Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 1, Episode 8 - What's a Father to Do? - full transcript
I heard that, Dreyfuss,
and I know what you're up to.
You're going into your pathetic
"pity me, pity me" look.
Gonna try to con me
out of half my dinner,
when you've already refused
to eat the dinner
I made for you.
No way, pal.
Not gonna happen. Not this time.
Finished.
Boy, you are good.
Here. All right, go.
No more.
Hi. You're going to love this.
Hi. Okay.
Daddy, I don't usually come
over here
talking personal triumph
but today, I can actually say
I think maybe, perhaps,
I might have a little bit.
Of a personal triumph.
Sort of.
How can you be so sure?
Look.
This is a portfolio
of pictures I took
for my photography class.
Dear, that's nice.
Why, I like this landscape.
It looks like
an Ansel Adams photograph.
It is.
I took a picture of one
for practice.
But what I came here
to tell you is...
What are you eating?
Nuked bacon and pop-up waffles.
You call that dinner?
I call that breakfast.
I'm having breakfast for dinner.
Why?
I had dinner for lunch.
So let me guess.
You had lunch for breakfast.
No, for breakfast,
I had chocolate cake.
I am dumping this,
and we are going out
for a decent meal.
All right, excuse me, now.
Before you dump that, I would...
Look over my left shoulder.
Awww.
No.
It's not good for him,
and it is not good for you.
Hi. I'm in a hurry.
Here's those insurance forms
you wanted me to sign.
I can't stay.
Mack's waiting for me.
Whoa, wait, Mack?
I never heard Mack before.
Who's Mack?
- My new guy.
And don't ask me about him.
You don't wanna know.
- No.
- Sounds like a big bike.
It's his Harley-Davidson.
- Yeah.
- Red beard, tank top.
Good catch.
You might ask him
to pull up his pants a little.
- He's getting impatient.
I gotta go.
Wait a minute. Wait, wait.
What happened to hello?
Hello?
Hello to your sister. Hello.
It's an old American greeting.
Harley used to say it
to Davidson.
He'd never say it to Carol.
- All right, come on.
Let's go, please.
What's going on?
Come on, come on.
Just talk it through now.
You'll feel better.
I promise
you will both feel better.
Your daughter...
Is the most irresponsible,
destructive,
careless brat
in the whole world.
Great,
from the overly sensitive,
hysterical queen
of exaggeration.
She borrows my brand-new car,
and the first thing she does
is put a gigantic dent in it.
It was not a dent.
It was a ding.
- Dent!
- Ding!
- No, stop, fine.
No, you were right.
The silent treatment
is much better.
Come on, let's go.
I will never let you borrow
anything again.
- Ding!
- Go, Mack is waiting.
You know how he gets.
Very impatient.
Well, that was touching.
Well, what is
this personal triumph?
Ok.
There's this new art gallery,
a very important gallery
opening in Orlando.
And as part of a special one-day
exhibition only,
they're going to hang
five pictures
from our photography class.
And one of them is yours!
- Two.
- Two!
That's twice as good as one.
They want me there
for the opening.
Daddy, I know it is impossible
for you to take time off,
but I can't bear the thought
of standing there
while 200 strangers
criticize my work.
I need a hand to hold.
I need a knuckle to bite on
that's not my own.
My knuckle is yours.
When is this?
- The 19th.
- The 19th?
I will clear my office calendar.
- Ha, ha, ha!
- You're really going?
Yeah, come on.
We'll fly up to Orlando.
I'll rent a car.
I love rental cars.
People steal 'em,
you don't care.
And then after the gallery,
we'll go out.
We'll have a really
kind of special dinner together.
We'll make it
a real father-daughter,
just the two of us together day,
all right?
Thank you, daddy.
No, don't say thank you.
You say you're welcome.
I'm doing the thank-you here.
You just said you needed
your daddy's knuckle.
Whoa, that's so nice.
Take your pick.
Laverne, did you check
on the 19th?
You have a 12-hour day
on the 19th,
plus a hospital board meetin'.
Downright impossible
for me to clear
that busy a schedule
on this short notice.
Clear it, and you get
the day off, too.
Cleared.
Señora Arrosco.
Aqui es el prescripcion
for Esteban.
Esteban.
Hasta la...
Vaya con...
Whatever, whatever.
Hasta la...
Hasta la...
Vista, hasta la vista.
Vista, vista.
Daddy.
You'll never guess
what happened to me.
Obviously, you've given up Mack.
No, I'm working undercover.
Do you remember when I got shot?
Yeah, I still remember that day.
It took the paramedics
three days, to get my heart
out of my throat.
Well, also, because I saved
my partner's life
in that operation,
the police commissioner
is giving me
the gold medal of valor.
The highest award they give!
Me, I'm getting it!
I am so impressed.
That's very impressive, dear.
This isn't just one
of those atta-boy awards.
You know, where they give you
a little pat on the back.
Winning this medal
is major police stuff.
I'm a monster cop.
Everything I ever wanted
in a daughter.
Honey. I am really...
I'm very proud of you.
And I can take anyone I want
to the ceremony.
And guess who I wanna take.
Does he wear his pants
at half mast?
No.
Then it's me!
Good! When, when is this?
- Next Wednesday.
- I'm there.
Thanks, daddy!
Honey,
could you shift a little bit?
Your gun is in my ribs.
I'm sorry.
Thanks so much.
No, no, you say you're welcome.
I'm the thank-you here,
for including your daddy
in such an important day.
I love you.
Listen, Harry Weston.
Harry Weston.
When they hand out trophies
for father of the year,
you're gonna need a moving Van
to get all yours home.
- Yes, Mrs. Gossett.
That'll be fine.
- Laverne, i...
- Excuse me.
Well, spit it out.
I need Dr. Gordon
to fill in for me
next Wednesday.
I have a very important day
with Barbara.
I know.
I'm already takin' care of that.
That's right, Mrs. Gossett.
Junior's next appointment
will be with Dr. Gordon.
That's right,
next Wednesday, the 19th.
The 19th is Wednesday?
Yes.
So that would make Wednesday
the 19.
Can't slip anything past you.
No, I mean, I didn't know
Wednesday was the 19th.
I have the thing with Carol,
and I have the thing
with Barbara the same day.
I have the Carol thing
and the Barbara thing.
Sounds to me
like you're over-thanged.
I mean, I-I can't be
in two cities
at the same time.
No matter which one I choose,
they're gonna think
I'm playing favorites.
So which one's it gonna be?
Agh, it's like the old riddle.
You have two daughters drowning,
which one do you save?
Well, what's the answer?
That's it.
There is no answer.
Well, that's a hell
of a dumb riddle.
This is nice.
So you and mom
used to come here?
All the time.
Dr. Weston.
It's soooo good to see you.
Albert, Albert.
This is my daughter, Carol.
Of course, of course.
Of course!
Yes, well, we've reserved
your usual table for you.
We still remember here.
Please.
Now, I want you
and your daughter
to have a magnificent luncheon.
That's an order. Enjoy.
Enjoy.
Enjoy!
Really, enjoy.
Actually, I don't come here
for the food.
I come
for the full-body massage.
I was so surprised
when you called me for lunch.
This will be fun.
Well, this is
a little more than lunch, dear.
I-I wanted to ask you
something important.
Our special today
is Maine lobster.
Something funny about lobster?
No, something wonderful
about your mother.
Tell me.
Well, I don't know.
One night we came here
for lobster.
That was before your sister,
Emily was born.
Now, halfway through
the main course,
your mother looks
at me and says,
"I want another baby."
Next thing I know,
her hand is
under my lobster bib,
and she's unbuttoning my shirt.
Mom? My mom?
Hey, the way your mother
could unbutton a shirt
was one of the reasons
I married her.
Anyway, I mean, I say,
"what, here?"
She goes, "no, that little motel
across the street.
"You check in as Dr. Smith.
I'll come as a bimbo
named Mitzy."
Next thing I know, I am.
I'm up there. I'm at the desk.
And I'm signing the register.
And... but I notice
this clerk is staring.
So I whispered to your mother,
"why is he staring?"
And she says "because darling...
"You're checking in
for a quickie,
and you're wearing
a lobster bib."
She knew it.
She let me wear that bib
over to the motel.
Daddy.
You're so lucky to have
such wonderful memories
of the good times in your life.
I have so few.
You know something, daddy?
That's what our trip
to Orlando this week
is gonna be all about.
My memory.
Well, what is it?
Wh-what?
You said you had
something important
you wanted to ask me.
What is it?
Who do you like better?
Siskel or Ebert?
I'll get you that
special dessert you ordered,
Dr. Weston.
I can see why mom loved it here.
You must have wonderful memories
of this place.
No, no memories.
Not at all. Nothing.
I don't remember Albert.
Well, I'm having fun.
Well...
For you.
Because you're getting
that medal.
A watch.
"My hero love, dad."
Made it up myself.
You're not coming.
What?
My awards ceremony.
You're not coming, are you?
Well, it's not
that I'm not coming.
Believe me, no. It's not that.
No, I mean,
I mean, I wanna be there
more than anything
in the world, dear.
It's... it's just that I can,
so yes, I'm not coming.
That has to be the worst excuse
I ever made up in my life.
- Daddy!
- Honey, Barbara, listen.
I had already promised
your sister
I would go with her to Orlando
to see a couple
of her photographs exhibited.
I am getting the highest medal
the police department can give.
You think
it's more important to see
a few photographs?
By a woman who photographs
the inside
of your maytag washer
and calls it "a mother's womb"?
I thought I recognized my socks.
Daddy, don't you know
how you're making me feel?
Come on, honey.
You know how easily
your sister gets hurt.
Carol's weak,
and Barbara's strong.
You can step on Barbara
because she's always
a good sport.
Where is it written
that I can't be hurt?
I'm hurting now.
Look, honey, Barbara...
Wait, she screams more,
and then she gets more.
Maybe I should learn
to scream more.
Good for you.
Listen, excuse me,
I'm having enough trouble here
without having an argument
at your table, too.
Please. Now come on, honey.
And worse!
You thought you could get
away with it
by bribing me.
I don't want the watch.
Albert, do not touch me.
Come on, Dreyfuss.
Give me emotion.
Give me anger.
Work with me.
Well, well.
What have we here?
Man's best friend
with the worlds worst date.
Here, Charlie.
What's this?
Still life with moron.
I want copies.
Where's your dad?
Upstairs getting dressed.
Is he in a good mood?
I got a favor to ask him.
Sure.
Good, then he's not still moping
over that thing with Barbara.
What are you talking about?
Ho, ho!
You don't know.
I'm in on something really good
about Barbara,
and you don't have a clue.
So tell me. What?
I know something you don't know
Hey, come on, let's go here.
Hi, Charlie, how you doing?
Hey, buddy.
I got a favor to ask you.
I came over to borrow something.
- What?
- Your house.
- My house?
- You're going away today.
It's not like you need it.
What would you want
my house for?
It's kinda personal.
I'd rather not get into it.
This is four bedrooms, right?
No, Charlie,
you may not have my house.
- Geez, come on.
I'm gonna give it back.
Goodbye, Charlie. Goodbye.
Okay.
But you better put a note
on the door.
There's a lotta people
coming over in togas.
What's up, daddy?
What's this problem with Barbara
Charlie was talking about?
I don't know.
It's nothing.
She's getting a police medal
right about now.
I'm not there, and she's angry.
Come on, let's go.
- A medal?
- The gold medal of valor.
Come on, let's go.
Isn't that kind of important?
It's the highest level
they give.
Come, let's go.
What kind of a father are you?
I beg your pardon?
This has got to be
the most important day
of her life.
And you're not there?
I had already promised
I would go with you.
That poor little Barb.
Poor little Barb?
What's going on? Who are you?
Daddy, even I know
the importance
of a gold medal of valor
over a couple of photographs.
Well, I didn't think
you could handle it, dear,
because you know how
emotional you...
Now I understand.
I am the overemotional,
neurotic, weak one.
Well, yes.
You give me no credit
for being adult.
You have absolutely no idea
who or what your daughters are.
And I resent
what you have done to me.
And my little sister.
Do you believe this?
Excuse me, daddy of the year.
You gonna hide out
in this office
all day long?
Do we have any aspirins
in this damn office
that aren't orange flavored?
Can't figure out how to get back
in the good graces
of your daughters?
None of them are talking to me.
I hate aspirins
you have to chew.
Blech.
You can warn Esteban,
the arrosco kid.
Didn't I see him last week?
His mama says
he keeps spitting out
the medicine you prescribed.
She thought he'd better talk
to the doctor personally,
mano a mano.
I'll go with you and translate.
Laverne, I can handle this.
My Spanish is getting
much better, thank you.
Yeah, I know.
Buenos días, Esteban.
El medico dice buenos días,
Esteban.
Laverne, you don't have
to translate Spanish
into Spanish.
I'm just lettin' him know
I'm the translator.
Now, Esteban...
Ahora, Esteban.
Laverne.
If you'll stop having trouble
in English,
I can go faster in Spanish.
Laverne, hasta la vista.
Okay, Esteban.
Usted, mi, dos amigos.
¿No dos amigos?
Okay, look.
No, no, let's talk. Let's talk.
Hablamos.
Nosotros hablamos...
Mono a mono.
You're giggling, I'm giggling.
I don't know why.
Laverne, mono a mono.
What did I say?
Monkey to monkey.
Monkey to monkey. Well.
Whoo, yeah.
Harry, usted es kooky.
Okay, Esteban.
Now, usted es un...
Mono poquito.
But if you...
Medicino,
mono grande.
Si, King Kong.
Mighty Jose-ong?
Bien. Por favor.
Bueno, ¿ See that?
All right. Laverne.
He'll be just fine
with his medicine.
Thank you.
Bueno, Esteban.
Vamonos.
Adios, amigo.
Harry.
Harry.
How is it
I can communicate better
with a 10-year-old boy
in a language I don't know
than I can
with my own daughters?
Because in this office,
you're good at what you do.
Doctorin'.
So stop feelin' guilty.
You can't be good at everything,
especially daughters.
Well, it makes me mad.
I should not be having
this problem.
Even the good lord Jesus
said, "god, why hast thou
forsaken me?"
Yeah, and?
Well, if he was upset
with his father,
what chance you think you got
with your kids?
Dr. Weston.
Um, they're both here.
Albert, I am facing
two very angry daughters.
I give you permission to hug me.
Good luck.
Good evening.
Would you like your menus now?
No, not... not yet please.
- Daddy...
- But..
Not a word. Don't say a word.
- The only reason...
- Not a... pro...
Not a word until I'm through.
I'm the only one talking here.
Menus, Dr. Weston.
No, no, not yet.
Now, I want the two of you
to know
that because of what's happened,
I am very grateful.
- Grateful?
- Did I ask for an echo?
If I wanna hear my words
come back to me,
I'll go to Switzerland
and yodel.
Are we ready for the specials?
- No, sir, I'll...
I'll let you know when,
all right?
Now.
These last couple of days,
I've learned a lot.
I've learned that you two
are much more loyal
to each other
than I ever imagined.
That Carol is
a much stronger person
than I ever imagined.
Barbara much more sensitive
than I ever imagined.
This is good.
Doesn't say much
for my imagination,
but this is good.
But what's even better
is that the lesson I got
out of this whole thing
for myself personally,
the thing that hit
the hardest and the deepest,
is this:
This has not been a fair fight.
- What?
- Wait a minute, here.
This was no contest, kids.
You've been playing at this
all your lives.
You are professional daughters.
You know when to smile
and when to cry.
When to back off,
when to move in.
You know how to say daddy
like it's the most loving word
in the English language.
You also know how to say daddy
so that it sounds like
it's the guy
who put the torch
to Joan of arc.
Come on,
what chance have I got here?
I'm an amateur father.
I love, I try,
I screw up, I feel guilty.
That's my style.
That's the way I work.
I'm being the best Harry Weston
I can be for you.
Now that we all know who we are,
let's eat.
Not a bad speech
for an amateur father.
Not bad at all.
On the house?
I have daughters, too.
Well.
Barbara.
Okay, daddy. Thank you.
He gave you a watch.
You shouldn't have.
"Say cheese."
Thank you, daddy.
Your watch has a second hand.
Agh.
and I know what you're up to.
You're going into your pathetic
"pity me, pity me" look.
Gonna try to con me
out of half my dinner,
when you've already refused
to eat the dinner
I made for you.
No way, pal.
Not gonna happen. Not this time.
Finished.
Boy, you are good.
Here. All right, go.
No more.
Hi. You're going to love this.
Hi. Okay.
Daddy, I don't usually come
over here
talking personal triumph
but today, I can actually say
I think maybe, perhaps,
I might have a little bit.
Of a personal triumph.
Sort of.
How can you be so sure?
Look.
This is a portfolio
of pictures I took
for my photography class.
Dear, that's nice.
Why, I like this landscape.
It looks like
an Ansel Adams photograph.
It is.
I took a picture of one
for practice.
But what I came here
to tell you is...
What are you eating?
Nuked bacon and pop-up waffles.
You call that dinner?
I call that breakfast.
I'm having breakfast for dinner.
Why?
I had dinner for lunch.
So let me guess.
You had lunch for breakfast.
No, for breakfast,
I had chocolate cake.
I am dumping this,
and we are going out
for a decent meal.
All right, excuse me, now.
Before you dump that, I would...
Look over my left shoulder.
Awww.
No.
It's not good for him,
and it is not good for you.
Hi. I'm in a hurry.
Here's those insurance forms
you wanted me to sign.
I can't stay.
Mack's waiting for me.
Whoa, wait, Mack?
I never heard Mack before.
Who's Mack?
- My new guy.
And don't ask me about him.
You don't wanna know.
- No.
- Sounds like a big bike.
It's his Harley-Davidson.
- Yeah.
- Red beard, tank top.
Good catch.
You might ask him
to pull up his pants a little.
- He's getting impatient.
I gotta go.
Wait a minute. Wait, wait.
What happened to hello?
Hello?
Hello to your sister. Hello.
It's an old American greeting.
Harley used to say it
to Davidson.
He'd never say it to Carol.
- All right, come on.
Let's go, please.
What's going on?
Come on, come on.
Just talk it through now.
You'll feel better.
I promise
you will both feel better.
Your daughter...
Is the most irresponsible,
destructive,
careless brat
in the whole world.
Great,
from the overly sensitive,
hysterical queen
of exaggeration.
She borrows my brand-new car,
and the first thing she does
is put a gigantic dent in it.
It was not a dent.
It was a ding.
- Dent!
- Ding!
- No, stop, fine.
No, you were right.
The silent treatment
is much better.
Come on, let's go.
I will never let you borrow
anything again.
- Ding!
- Go, Mack is waiting.
You know how he gets.
Very impatient.
Well, that was touching.
Well, what is
this personal triumph?
Ok.
There's this new art gallery,
a very important gallery
opening in Orlando.
And as part of a special one-day
exhibition only,
they're going to hang
five pictures
from our photography class.
And one of them is yours!
- Two.
- Two!
That's twice as good as one.
They want me there
for the opening.
Daddy, I know it is impossible
for you to take time off,
but I can't bear the thought
of standing there
while 200 strangers
criticize my work.
I need a hand to hold.
I need a knuckle to bite on
that's not my own.
My knuckle is yours.
When is this?
- The 19th.
- The 19th?
I will clear my office calendar.
- Ha, ha, ha!
- You're really going?
Yeah, come on.
We'll fly up to Orlando.
I'll rent a car.
I love rental cars.
People steal 'em,
you don't care.
And then after the gallery,
we'll go out.
We'll have a really
kind of special dinner together.
We'll make it
a real father-daughter,
just the two of us together day,
all right?
Thank you, daddy.
No, don't say thank you.
You say you're welcome.
I'm doing the thank-you here.
You just said you needed
your daddy's knuckle.
Whoa, that's so nice.
Take your pick.
Laverne, did you check
on the 19th?
You have a 12-hour day
on the 19th,
plus a hospital board meetin'.
Downright impossible
for me to clear
that busy a schedule
on this short notice.
Clear it, and you get
the day off, too.
Cleared.
Señora Arrosco.
Aqui es el prescripcion
for Esteban.
Esteban.
Hasta la...
Vaya con...
Whatever, whatever.
Hasta la...
Hasta la...
Vista, hasta la vista.
Vista, vista.
Daddy.
You'll never guess
what happened to me.
Obviously, you've given up Mack.
No, I'm working undercover.
Do you remember when I got shot?
Yeah, I still remember that day.
It took the paramedics
three days, to get my heart
out of my throat.
Well, also, because I saved
my partner's life
in that operation,
the police commissioner
is giving me
the gold medal of valor.
The highest award they give!
Me, I'm getting it!
I am so impressed.
That's very impressive, dear.
This isn't just one
of those atta-boy awards.
You know, where they give you
a little pat on the back.
Winning this medal
is major police stuff.
I'm a monster cop.
Everything I ever wanted
in a daughter.
Honey. I am really...
I'm very proud of you.
And I can take anyone I want
to the ceremony.
And guess who I wanna take.
Does he wear his pants
at half mast?
No.
Then it's me!
Good! When, when is this?
- Next Wednesday.
- I'm there.
Thanks, daddy!
Honey,
could you shift a little bit?
Your gun is in my ribs.
I'm sorry.
Thanks so much.
No, no, you say you're welcome.
I'm the thank-you here,
for including your daddy
in such an important day.
I love you.
Listen, Harry Weston.
Harry Weston.
When they hand out trophies
for father of the year,
you're gonna need a moving Van
to get all yours home.
- Yes, Mrs. Gossett.
That'll be fine.
- Laverne, i...
- Excuse me.
Well, spit it out.
I need Dr. Gordon
to fill in for me
next Wednesday.
I have a very important day
with Barbara.
I know.
I'm already takin' care of that.
That's right, Mrs. Gossett.
Junior's next appointment
will be with Dr. Gordon.
That's right,
next Wednesday, the 19th.
The 19th is Wednesday?
Yes.
So that would make Wednesday
the 19.
Can't slip anything past you.
No, I mean, I didn't know
Wednesday was the 19th.
I have the thing with Carol,
and I have the thing
with Barbara the same day.
I have the Carol thing
and the Barbara thing.
Sounds to me
like you're over-thanged.
I mean, I-I can't be
in two cities
at the same time.
No matter which one I choose,
they're gonna think
I'm playing favorites.
So which one's it gonna be?
Agh, it's like the old riddle.
You have two daughters drowning,
which one do you save?
Well, what's the answer?
That's it.
There is no answer.
Well, that's a hell
of a dumb riddle.
This is nice.
So you and mom
used to come here?
All the time.
Dr. Weston.
It's soooo good to see you.
Albert, Albert.
This is my daughter, Carol.
Of course, of course.
Of course!
Yes, well, we've reserved
your usual table for you.
We still remember here.
Please.
Now, I want you
and your daughter
to have a magnificent luncheon.
That's an order. Enjoy.
Enjoy.
Enjoy!
Really, enjoy.
Actually, I don't come here
for the food.
I come
for the full-body massage.
I was so surprised
when you called me for lunch.
This will be fun.
Well, this is
a little more than lunch, dear.
I-I wanted to ask you
something important.
Our special today
is Maine lobster.
Something funny about lobster?
No, something wonderful
about your mother.
Tell me.
Well, I don't know.
One night we came here
for lobster.
That was before your sister,
Emily was born.
Now, halfway through
the main course,
your mother looks
at me and says,
"I want another baby."
Next thing I know,
her hand is
under my lobster bib,
and she's unbuttoning my shirt.
Mom? My mom?
Hey, the way your mother
could unbutton a shirt
was one of the reasons
I married her.
Anyway, I mean, I say,
"what, here?"
She goes, "no, that little motel
across the street.
"You check in as Dr. Smith.
I'll come as a bimbo
named Mitzy."
Next thing I know, I am.
I'm up there. I'm at the desk.
And I'm signing the register.
And... but I notice
this clerk is staring.
So I whispered to your mother,
"why is he staring?"
And she says "because darling...
"You're checking in
for a quickie,
and you're wearing
a lobster bib."
She knew it.
She let me wear that bib
over to the motel.
Daddy.
You're so lucky to have
such wonderful memories
of the good times in your life.
I have so few.
You know something, daddy?
That's what our trip
to Orlando this week
is gonna be all about.
My memory.
Well, what is it?
Wh-what?
You said you had
something important
you wanted to ask me.
What is it?
Who do you like better?
Siskel or Ebert?
I'll get you that
special dessert you ordered,
Dr. Weston.
I can see why mom loved it here.
You must have wonderful memories
of this place.
No, no memories.
Not at all. Nothing.
I don't remember Albert.
Well, I'm having fun.
Well...
For you.
Because you're getting
that medal.
A watch.
"My hero love, dad."
Made it up myself.
You're not coming.
What?
My awards ceremony.
You're not coming, are you?
Well, it's not
that I'm not coming.
Believe me, no. It's not that.
No, I mean,
I mean, I wanna be there
more than anything
in the world, dear.
It's... it's just that I can,
so yes, I'm not coming.
That has to be the worst excuse
I ever made up in my life.
- Daddy!
- Honey, Barbara, listen.
I had already promised
your sister
I would go with her to Orlando
to see a couple
of her photographs exhibited.
I am getting the highest medal
the police department can give.
You think
it's more important to see
a few photographs?
By a woman who photographs
the inside
of your maytag washer
and calls it "a mother's womb"?
I thought I recognized my socks.
Daddy, don't you know
how you're making me feel?
Come on, honey.
You know how easily
your sister gets hurt.
Carol's weak,
and Barbara's strong.
You can step on Barbara
because she's always
a good sport.
Where is it written
that I can't be hurt?
I'm hurting now.
Look, honey, Barbara...
Wait, she screams more,
and then she gets more.
Maybe I should learn
to scream more.
Good for you.
Listen, excuse me,
I'm having enough trouble here
without having an argument
at your table, too.
Please. Now come on, honey.
And worse!
You thought you could get
away with it
by bribing me.
I don't want the watch.
Albert, do not touch me.
Come on, Dreyfuss.
Give me emotion.
Give me anger.
Work with me.
Well, well.
What have we here?
Man's best friend
with the worlds worst date.
Here, Charlie.
What's this?
Still life with moron.
I want copies.
Where's your dad?
Upstairs getting dressed.
Is he in a good mood?
I got a favor to ask him.
Sure.
Good, then he's not still moping
over that thing with Barbara.
What are you talking about?
Ho, ho!
You don't know.
I'm in on something really good
about Barbara,
and you don't have a clue.
So tell me. What?
I know something you don't know
Hey, come on, let's go here.
Hi, Charlie, how you doing?
Hey, buddy.
I got a favor to ask you.
I came over to borrow something.
- What?
- Your house.
- My house?
- You're going away today.
It's not like you need it.
What would you want
my house for?
It's kinda personal.
I'd rather not get into it.
This is four bedrooms, right?
No, Charlie,
you may not have my house.
- Geez, come on.
I'm gonna give it back.
Goodbye, Charlie. Goodbye.
Okay.
But you better put a note
on the door.
There's a lotta people
coming over in togas.
What's up, daddy?
What's this problem with Barbara
Charlie was talking about?
I don't know.
It's nothing.
She's getting a police medal
right about now.
I'm not there, and she's angry.
Come on, let's go.
- A medal?
- The gold medal of valor.
Come on, let's go.
Isn't that kind of important?
It's the highest level
they give.
Come, let's go.
What kind of a father are you?
I beg your pardon?
This has got to be
the most important day
of her life.
And you're not there?
I had already promised
I would go with you.
That poor little Barb.
Poor little Barb?
What's going on? Who are you?
Daddy, even I know
the importance
of a gold medal of valor
over a couple of photographs.
Well, I didn't think
you could handle it, dear,
because you know how
emotional you...
Now I understand.
I am the overemotional,
neurotic, weak one.
Well, yes.
You give me no credit
for being adult.
You have absolutely no idea
who or what your daughters are.
And I resent
what you have done to me.
And my little sister.
Do you believe this?
Excuse me, daddy of the year.
You gonna hide out
in this office
all day long?
Do we have any aspirins
in this damn office
that aren't orange flavored?
Can't figure out how to get back
in the good graces
of your daughters?
None of them are talking to me.
I hate aspirins
you have to chew.
Blech.
You can warn Esteban,
the arrosco kid.
Didn't I see him last week?
His mama says
he keeps spitting out
the medicine you prescribed.
She thought he'd better talk
to the doctor personally,
mano a mano.
I'll go with you and translate.
Laverne, I can handle this.
My Spanish is getting
much better, thank you.
Yeah, I know.
Buenos días, Esteban.
El medico dice buenos días,
Esteban.
Laverne, you don't have
to translate Spanish
into Spanish.
I'm just lettin' him know
I'm the translator.
Now, Esteban...
Ahora, Esteban.
Laverne.
If you'll stop having trouble
in English,
I can go faster in Spanish.
Laverne, hasta la vista.
Okay, Esteban.
Usted, mi, dos amigos.
¿No dos amigos?
Okay, look.
No, no, let's talk. Let's talk.
Hablamos.
Nosotros hablamos...
Mono a mono.
You're giggling, I'm giggling.
I don't know why.
Laverne, mono a mono.
What did I say?
Monkey to monkey.
Monkey to monkey. Well.
Whoo, yeah.
Harry, usted es kooky.
Okay, Esteban.
Now, usted es un...
Mono poquito.
But if you...
Medicino,
mono grande.
Si, King Kong.
Mighty Jose-ong?
Bien. Por favor.
Bueno, ¿ See that?
All right. Laverne.
He'll be just fine
with his medicine.
Thank you.
Bueno, Esteban.
Vamonos.
Adios, amigo.
Harry.
Harry.
How is it
I can communicate better
with a 10-year-old boy
in a language I don't know
than I can
with my own daughters?
Because in this office,
you're good at what you do.
Doctorin'.
So stop feelin' guilty.
You can't be good at everything,
especially daughters.
Well, it makes me mad.
I should not be having
this problem.
Even the good lord Jesus
said, "god, why hast thou
forsaken me?"
Yeah, and?
Well, if he was upset
with his father,
what chance you think you got
with your kids?
Dr. Weston.
Um, they're both here.
Albert, I am facing
two very angry daughters.
I give you permission to hug me.
Good luck.
Good evening.
Would you like your menus now?
No, not... not yet please.
- Daddy...
- But..
Not a word. Don't say a word.
- The only reason...
- Not a... pro...
Not a word until I'm through.
I'm the only one talking here.
Menus, Dr. Weston.
No, no, not yet.
Now, I want the two of you
to know
that because of what's happened,
I am very grateful.
- Grateful?
- Did I ask for an echo?
If I wanna hear my words
come back to me,
I'll go to Switzerland
and yodel.
Are we ready for the specials?
- No, sir, I'll...
I'll let you know when,
all right?
Now.
These last couple of days,
I've learned a lot.
I've learned that you two
are much more loyal
to each other
than I ever imagined.
That Carol is
a much stronger person
than I ever imagined.
Barbara much more sensitive
than I ever imagined.
This is good.
Doesn't say much
for my imagination,
but this is good.
But what's even better
is that the lesson I got
out of this whole thing
for myself personally,
the thing that hit
the hardest and the deepest,
is this:
This has not been a fair fight.
- What?
- Wait a minute, here.
This was no contest, kids.
You've been playing at this
all your lives.
You are professional daughters.
You know when to smile
and when to cry.
When to back off,
when to move in.
You know how to say daddy
like it's the most loving word
in the English language.
You also know how to say daddy
so that it sounds like
it's the guy
who put the torch
to Joan of arc.
Come on,
what chance have I got here?
I'm an amateur father.
I love, I try,
I screw up, I feel guilty.
That's my style.
That's the way I work.
I'm being the best Harry Weston
I can be for you.
Now that we all know who we are,
let's eat.
Not a bad speech
for an amateur father.
Not bad at all.
On the house?
I have daughters, too.
Well.
Barbara.
Okay, daddy. Thank you.
He gave you a watch.
You shouldn't have.
"Say cheese."
Thank you, daddy.
Your watch has a second hand.
Agh.