Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 1, Episode 7 - Tinker to Evers to Tucson - full transcript

And, Peter, I'm telling you,
no, I mean, believe me,

the great thing
about having your tonsils out

is that never again will anybody
ever walk up to you and say,

"agh, there's that kid
with the tonsils."

Wow! Do you know who that is?

That's the guy who plays
right field for the Mustangs.

That's Nick, my husband.

- Cool.
Does he ever visit sick kids

in the hospital like Babe Ruth?

For you, he'll be there
with cleats on.

That's so neat.



Hey, mom, did you hear that?

There goes that kid
with the tonsils!

Ha-ha.
You'll never hear that again.

Room one. Jill Hanover.

Regular check-up with
the welcome to womanhood talk.

Here's
the cutaway pelvic diagram

and the complimentary welcome
to womanhood starter kit.

So, sweetheart,

they tell you we've become
a woman since last we met.

Micky, Mick, Mick.

No, Mick. Sorry, Mick.

You wait. I'll be right back.

Laverne, I just told
a ten-year-old boy

that he has just become a woman.



Then he'll probably be wanting
a second opinion.

No, dear.
You gave me the wrong chart.

You never do that.

Well, excuse me
if things at home

have got my mind wandering
a little.

- Well, what is it?
What's wrong?

It's personal.

Well, now seeing as how you just
left a nine year old boy alone

in a room with hygiene products,
I suggest you get back in there

before
he gets bored and curious.

Hey.

Well, you know, Mick,

the good news is it turns out
you're not a woman after all.

The doctor'll be in in a minute.

Meantime, don't pick at it!

So now I'm gonna call
the school nurse

and tell her that your tine test
was negative, right?

Right. Look, I'm gonna see you
in a month.

Right, guy? Heh-heh. Yeah.

That's my guy.

Room two, Stevie foster.

Here you go. Here. Come. Come.

Laverne, that lunch appointment

I asked you to make
with Dr. Morse,

call him please.

Tell him I'll be
a little bit late.

What lunch?

Stevie, I'll be right with you.

Don't pick at it.

Laverne, dear,
you never make mistakes.

Now what's bothering you?

I told you, it's personal.

I'm a doctor.
Trust me. I'm here for you.

You can talk to me
about anything.

All right.

Nick is in a batting slump.

Well, maybe he should choke up
a little bit and...

What am I talking about?

I don't know anything
about that.

Right. Room two, doctor.

About time.

Charley,
what are you doing here?

I don't feel good.

What happened
to little Stevie foster?

You mean the kid
that was in here?

I made it worth his while
to give up the room.

Besides, he was driving me crazy
with his pick, pick, pick.

All right, okay, okay, okay.

What's wrong?

Well, I've got chills

and dizziness and...

- Nausea?
- Yeah.

Sorry about the potted plant
in the waiting room.

All right, Charley,

you just got the flu
that's going around.

It's gonna lay you up
for a couple of days.

You go home, get a lot of rest,

and drink plenty of fluids.

I'd rather stay here.

Charley, come on. Please, go.

I got things to do here.
Come. Let's go.

Okay, if I have to.

Get plenty of rest
and a lot of fluids, right?

Charley.

Yeah?

Leave the raccoon, please.

I brought this with me.

Shoot.

Dreyf!

Where's my dreyfuss, my big boy?

There you are.

I'm sorry I wasn't home,

but I had an all-nighter
at the hospital.

Hi, Barbara. Hi, Charley.

Not hi, Charley.
Why? Why, Charley?

Why are you here?

I'm burning up.

Charley called and said

you wanted me to come over
and watch him

because he was sick.
- I never said that.

You told me to drink
plenty of fluids.

Well, I'm fresh out of fluids
at my place,

so I said to myself,
who'd have fluids?

The doctor.

I knew you'd want me here
where the fluids are.

Charley, please, go home.

Daddy, he really is sick.

He's got a 102 fever,
and he can't keep anything down.

Yeah, sorry about
the potted plant in the study.

Harry, are you home
for good now?

Charley,
I cannot take care of you.

I have to go to work.

Daddy, I don't have to be
at the station until 3:00.

I can stay with Charley
till you get home.

I just have take a hot shower
and I'm ready.

What an angel of mercy.

I wonder what a little hot steam
from that shower

would do
for this congestion now.

It would kill you instantly.

Good morning, Laverne.

Well, Nick did great last night?

Two for three.

How's that
for coming out of a slump?

- Thank you.
He'll be tickled you cared.

Dr. Weston's office.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can't you tell this is personal?

Yeah. Okay.

Room two, Meredith winzel,

Good morning, Meredith,
Mrs. Winzel.

Room two.

Room two, Meredith winzel,

gummy bear lodged
in her left ear.

Her mother suspects
it had something to do

with a Disney channel special
on hibernation

and the approach of winter.

And I know
this isn't much notice,

but this'll be my last patient.

What?

That phone call was my husband.

He's been traded
to a team in Tucson.

What, that call?

You mean the "yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah" call?

I knew you were listening.

I heard, "yeah, yeah, yeah."

Nick's got to report to Arizona

after tonight's game,
so I have to quit.

Wait, you have to what?

Quit. A baseball bride's place

- Hey, wait, wait.
Wait a minute.

He got the call from Mr. Noack,

and he's got to go.

- Hey, wait, wait.
Wait a minute.

Wait. Who's Mr. Noack?

The team owner.

- Wait a minute.
You just can't walk out.

Look, I'd love to stay and chat
to sundown,

but I got to get home and pack.

- Wait a minute.
You just can't walk out.

What am I gonna do for a nurse?

What am I gonna do without you?

And tell her when Davey nesmith
gets his shots,

Just dial extension 665
and tell them

The Wonderful thing
about tiggers.

And tell her when Davey nesmith
gets his shots,

he likes for the nurse to sing

the wonderful thing
about tiggers.

That's important.

Wait a minute. Laverne.

What, after five years, you're
just down the hallway and gone?

I don't how how else to do it.

Wake up.
- Whoo.

Charley, wake up.

- I don't want to.
- Charley, come on.

Wake up.
- Whoo.

I have a chill.
Smother me with leather.

Charley, the reason
why I'm dressed like this

is because I'm on duty.

I'm going undercover.

I, am, sick!

The potted plant's in the study.

Carol, the reason why I called
you is because Charley is sick.

I've been watching him
for daddy,

but now it's your turn.

That's what this is all about.

No way am I being doctor to him.

Unless there's some unplugging
of life support involved.

Daddy'll be home soon. And it's easy.

Hey.

Careful. He might hear you.

- Daddy'll be home soon.
And it's easy.

You just give him
plenty of fluids,

fluff his pillows,
and, if he gets a cramp,

give him a quick massage.

That's so easy.

Forget it, Charley.

Carol.

Please. Come on.

Charley's on his best behavior.

Yow! Cramp.

It's my buttocks.

He has to do his own buttocks.

- Hi, daddy.
- Hi, Carol, baby.

How...

Hello, Barbara.

If you have a tattoo,
it better say "dad."

I'm infiltrating a biker gang.

Carol, Barbara, my buttocks.

What about your buttocks,
Charley?

Never mind.

Did his fever break?

No, and he still feels awful.

Well, I guess it's been
a lousy day for everybody.

What's the matter, daddy?

Laverne quit today.

- You're kidding.
- No.

Her husband got traded
to some team in Arizona,

so she's leaving. That's it.

Gone.

No wonder you're so upset.

What really kills me is
that it didn't faze her at all.

Out the door.
Not even a good-bye.

I guess you're wondering
about the buttocks thing.

Not really.

Well, I have
a god-fearing town to terrorize.

Bye, daddy.

Listen, babe,
I got to get to the hospital.

I got to get back.

Now, listen, Carol, baby,
do me a favor, dear.

Just for a couple of hours,
keep an eye on Charley.

Honey.

Okay.

Thank you, dear. I love you.

You better.

- Bye, daddy.
- Bye, daddy.

Bye, bye.

Time to take my temperature.

Wipe your feet and come in.

Hi, Laverne.

I was just, you know,
over at the hospital

checking on little Peter,

and your husband dropped by,
which is real sweet.

He even promised to hit
a home run for him tonight.

Yeah, Nick loves that stuff.

So how'd your temp nurse
work out?

Well, okay, I guess.

I mean, she knew all the words
to the tigger song

and everything, so...

Laverne, the reason I came over
is that, I don't know,

things felt funny the way
we left them this morning.

I mean, are you okay
with all of this?

Yeah, I guess so.

You know, my first time ever to
move was when Nick was drafted

and sent here to Miami.

At the time, we figured
it'd be just any day

before we'd be moving again
to Baltimore

or St. Louis
or some other major league city.

But a year passed, still here.

Another year, still here.

Another year, still here.

Another year...
- I think I know

where you're going with this.

You know, for some reason,
I'm not so ready to move

as when we first got here.

Yeah, well, it never gets
any easier saying good-bye,

at least not for me anyway.

It seems like I always end up
saying good-bye

to all the women in my life.

So when you leave,
you won't be the first.

Just the latest.

I'm one of the women
in your life?

- Of course you are.
You knew that.

You didn't know that?

Laverne, I'm sorry.

Listen, when you told me
you were leaving today...

now if you're about to start
in with carrying on sloppy,

I'll bounce you out of here
on one hump.

Last thing I need is for you
to set me off

to becoming a mushy mess again
like at the office this morning.

Really, that was mushy mess
I saw today?

Hell, I didn't think I was
gonna make it out to my car

on these wobbledy legs,
I had it so bad.

I just really hate good-byes
is all.

Well, okay, it's getting late.

You have a lot of packing to...
- Really, really hate good-byes.

Right.

You're really
tying my hands here.

Laverne, good-bye.

I really hated that.

What do you want now?

A pillow fluff.

I fluffed you two minutes ago.

I'm bored.

I need some entertainment.

Do me a puppet show.

Charley, get out of this house.

- But, Carol...
- I'm serious.

I've had it. Get out.

But I could die out there.

Great. I'll hold the door.

Charley, I don't care
what you do.

Find someone else
to take care of you.

Just get out. Out.

Fine. Fine.

Who needs you?
I'll call my family.

I'll call my friends.

I'll call the people
who really care about me.

I don't have anybody else
to call.

Come on, Charley.
You must have other friends.

Not really.

You're my friends.

You're my family.

Carol, if you kick me out,

I'll be all alone.

Don't make me go.

Please.

Okay.

You know, Charley,

if you would be more human
like this when you're well,

then other people
might like you more.

Maybe even
I might like you more.

Please, just sit, talk to me?

Carol, have you ever heard
the expression,

"feed a fever, boff the flu"?

Mr. Noack,

Dr. Weston.

I really do appreciate you
seeing me at this late hour.

Ordinarily, I see no one
during a night game.

But I was intrigued
by your persistence,

especially
after the 18th phone call.

So why are you here?

Well, sir, it's
about your team, the Mustangs.

Business.
Business hours are 9:00 to 5:00.

No, this really can't wait.
This is urgent.

Urgent business hours
are 9:00 to 5:00.

Please, Noack, please,
just five minutes.

Five very fast minutes.

Okay, please? Just...

Four very fast minutes.

All right, all right,
now you see I have

this terrific nurse,
and she's a very special lady,

and I do not want to lose her.

The point is she's married
to your right fielder Nick Todd.

I see.

And you want me
to call off the trade.

Well, Dr. Weston, let
tell you a little something

about Nick Todd.

He's batting only 193.

He leads the team in errors.

He has an annoying tendency
to strike out

in precious situations.

Well, you are aware
he's in a slump.

Doctor, baseball is a business.

Are you aware of the details
of the Tucson trade?

They send us

750 scoreboard lightbulbs

and a catcher who's developed
an ugly, unrequited crush

on their batboy.

Now we send them
50,000 paper beer cups

and Nick, who they need
to fill in

until their right fielder
makes bail.

Now, I'm sorry about your nurse.

But I'm a businessman.
The Mustangs are a business.

Good night, Dr. Weston.

May I ask you a favor?

- Favors are tomorrow,
- 9:00 to 5:00.

- No, I must.
I have two minutes left.

Okay, you see I have
this patient in the hospital,

ten years old,

great kid, bad tonsils,

big fan. I'm sure he's watching.

You see, he doesn't know
it's a business.

He thinks it's a game.

Anyway, Nick dropped
by the hospital, promised him

he'd hit a home run
for him tonight.

Now don't you think he should
at least get the chance

to keep that promise?

Mr. Noack, you're the owner.
You can put him in.

Dr. Weston, if I thought
he could hit a home run

on demand,
I wouldn't be trading him.

- Okay, that's great.
Put him in.

He hits a home run,
you don't trade him.

I like this. I like that idea.

Dr. Weston, I'm a businessman,

but I do dearly love
a friendly wager.

Now you think
he can come through.

What can you offer me?

Well, okay, you know,
I mean, I am a doctor.

That's something.

Okay, if he hits it out,
no trade.

If he doesn't hit it out,

free medical checkups
for all your grandkids.

Against 750 scoreboard
lightbulbs at five bucks per?

Bad business.

Bottom of the ninth there,
doctor.

Okay, okay, okay, okay,

Free medical care
for all the kids

of all your players
for six months.

All right, a year.

A year. Free medical care.

That's business.

- Yeah, this is noack.
Put Todd in.

Shall we?
- Okay.

So with two outs,
it looks like a change.

It's number three, Nick Todd,
stepping in to hit for boice.

He's... what's he doing?

He's pointing
at the centerfield fence.

- That's it.
He's pointing, pointing.

I like that.
At's a very good sign.

No idea what he sees out there.

Well. Here's the windup
and the pitch.

Swing and a miss.

Strike one, doctor.

- Look, come on.
That wasn't his best swing.

It was just one-handed.
He was still pointing.

Don't point!

You know, he's getting ready.
He's ready now.

All right, now.
- At the belt.

Big swing. Strike two.

- I'll tell you what, doctor.
It was a sucker bet anyway,

and I'm starting to feel guilty.

What say we just call it off.

Getting a little scared here?

You saw that swing. Two hands.

A little contact, home run.

No. Fine.
- Here's the windup.

Delivery. Strike three.

It's all over.

Dr. Weston,

welcome to the Miami Mustangs
health plan.

- Fine.
Mrs. Vinkus, now remember now,

try to cut down
on Bobby's refined sugar.

I had a coffee.
I had a cup of coffee.

Michelle, where is my coffee?

I think you left it
in the examining room.

Don't forget.

After lunch, you have
six Mustang health plan kids.

Thank you.

Now I told you
no coffee in the exam room.

Laverne.

Nick's trade is off. I'm back.

You're back. You're back.

Michelle, she's back.
Laverne's back.

I'll talk to you later.

You're back.

You're back!

Nick heard
through the players' grapevine

you put in a visit
to old man noack last night.

That was quite a bet you lost.

Just...

It was nice you did that for us.

Also a real stupid waste.

- Why? What?
You just said you were back.

I got all excited. I danced.

I gave a shot at a hug.

I am back.

Last night,
Nick up and pulled a muscle

his third swing, won't be
able to play for two weeks,

so the Tucson people got a right
fielder and a snow cone machine

out of waco instead.

- I see.
- No trade, pulled a muscle.

Well, I mean, it was not
exactly as I had planned,

but it was pretty close.

Well, there's only one thing
I hate worse than good-byes,

but here goes.

That was sweet
what you did for us.

Wait a minute,
this is not wobbledy-legged,

mushy mess I'm seeing, is it?

Maybe.

Well, I better go get changed.

Awful sweet.

All right, pack it up, darling.

You're in my chair.