Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 1, Episode 6 - Harry's Vacation - full transcript

Here, Dreyfuss,
kibbles and chow mein.

- You want chopsticks?
- God, no.

That's it, eat and run.

You'll be back in an hour.

Stop eating. Where's daddy?

He should have left the office
three hours ago.

This is classic, you know.

A man's wife dies,

he buries his grief in his work.

It seems so tragic.

Work is no place to bury grief.



Neiman Marcus is a place
to bury grief.

Would you stop eating the food.

This is not eating.
I'm not even hungry.

This is picking.

I pick at food when I'm nervous.

- You're nervous?
- You're not?

About what?
Talking to daddy? No.

We have had this argument
a million times,

and he has been wrong
a million times.

Hes tired, he needs a vacation,

and whether he likes it or not,
we're gonna give it to him.

And if he gets mad, well...

What are those, cashews?

He is gonna be angry.



I hate it when daddy gets angry.

His lips disappear.

Yeah, and when you tell him,

you can kiss those lips goodbye.

Why do I have to tell him?

You're the oldest.

What does that mean?
That doesn't mean anything.

It certainly has
for everything else.

You got to do everything first.

You got to drive first,
didn't you?

You got to wear makeup first,
bras.

You got the first peacoat.

You were the first
to wear stockings,

high heels, and miniskirts.

You had sex first.

I didn't have as much
to take off.

Well...

- Hi, daddy.
- Hi.

Hi. Dreyfuss, I'm home.

This is a great surprise here.

Three of my most
favorite things in life...

Chinese food,
daughter number one,

daughter number two.

Let's eat.

Daddy, you look a little tired.

- How was your day?
- Busy.

So very busy, but Thursday
is always a tough day.

On Thursday,
I have to give an allergy shot

to Stevie "catch me if you can"
Horowitz.

I'm okay, though.

So what have you girls
been up to?

What? What have you done?

What? Nothing. Why?

Why? Why?
Because of that look.

I've seen this look before.

There is this look again.
All right, come on.

Come on, come on, now.
What's happening here?

Come on, somebody tell me.

You. You're the oldest.

Daddy, we've made arrangements
for you to go to The Bahamas.

Our treat.
It's the trip of a lifetime.

A ten-day, fun-filled,
action-packed riot.

Well, that's very sweet
of you girls,

but I'm a little too old
to be sent to camp.

- You leave on Saturday.
- Carol...

We're taking you
to the airport...

- Carol...
- The flight leaves at 10:15,

and there is no discussion.

Bye-bye, lips.

We have been through this
a million times,

and a million times
you have been wrong!

Daddy, we're worried about you.

You're working too hard.
You're under stress.

Besides, you look like hell.

What is this, good cop, bad cop?

You haven't taken
a vacation since mom died.

You need to get away.

No, I can't.
I'm a doctor, remember?

What about my appointments?

What about little Bobby saffra?

I put Bobby in the hospital
this morning for mastoiditis.

Laverne said not to worry.
Dr. Gordon can cover for you.

Sure. Can Dr. Gordon
instill in my patients

the trust and confidence it has
taken me years to build up?

Laverne said yes.

Hi, friends. Carol.

Charley, we are having
a discussion here

that does not concern you.

Hey, that's okay.

I really don't come here
for the conversation.

I have a date in a half hour.

Do you want me to
drop you off at your house?

Daddy, I am leaving
the ticket right here

so you can change your mind.

You're gonna love
The Bahamas, daddy.

I am mot going to The Bahamas.

Hey, that's a shame.
You look like hell.

- Bye, daddy.
- See ya.

This is crazy. The Bahamas.

Why do I need to go
to The Bahamas?

I relax all over the place.

Friday, I'll take Barbara
to the ball game,

Saturday I'll take Carol
to the movies,

Sunday they come over here.

We all watch 60 Minutes,
eat pizza.

Who needs a vacation?

They do. Carol and Barbara.

What?

Hey, I see it all the time
on the cruise line.

Kids need some time
to themselves,

so they send the parents off
on a little trip.

Bon voyage sounds so much nicer
than "dad's a burden."

Burden?

Burden.

Someone who needs
to be watched over... burden.

No, no, I mean,
I just have never

thought of myself as a burden.

Of course not. You're the burden.

A burden to my daughters,
I hate that.

Great. Then go to The Bahamas.
I'll water the plants.

I can't just leave.
I have a medical practice.

What, the pediatrician thing?

Get a temp.

- Morning.
- Morning.

- Early again.
- Yes.

- Coffee?
- Please.

You're going.

I am not going!

I will be at the hospital
checking on Bobby Saffra.

Dr. Gordon will be
at the hospital

checking on Bobby Saffra.

You are going home
to pack for The Bahamas.

Now, you march them
skinny white legs of yourn

out of here and get yourself
a suntan.

Laverne, now,
listen to me, please.

Stay out of this
I do not need a vacation!

But I do.

You haven't had a vacation
in over 2 1/2 years.

Every month you get tireder.

That means every month
I get tireder.

I don't know how much longer

I can fake
this lighthearted exterior.

Laverne...

If you won't think of me,

at least think
of your daughters.

All I know is
those two girls have

scrimped and saved to raise
the money for this trip.

Hell, it was my $25
that put 'em over the top.

All right, all right,
all right, I'll go, I'll go.

You want to get rid of me.

The girls want get rid of me.

Everybody wants me out of town.

Don't go a-flatterin' yourself.

There's over a billion Chinese
that don't give a damn

where you are.

"Luxurious, single-occupancy,

"air-conditioned accommodations

"boasting manicured lawns,

"staff-led activities as well as
a tempting and varied menu.

Massages and special baths
available."

Sounds like a pretty good
kennel to me.

Aw, Dreyfuss... Dreyfuss,
I wish you could stay here,

but if you did, that wouldn't be

any vacation for the girls.

But you don't have to go
until tomorrow.

We can spend
the whole evening together.

We'll watch a little TV,

We'll play a game of sock.

Great, now I'm boring the dog.

So, today,
I went and saw the caves.

And then I stopped in town,
did all my gift shopping.

Hit the glass-bottom boat ride...

Saw a tuna.

And then I did lunch
and the plantation tour.

You know, it's not bad
for the beginning of the week.

So what's there to do tomorrow?

- Nothing.
- What?

That's it. You saw the tuna.

Excuse me, is this taken?

- No, no. Please.
- Thank you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Are you here alone?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Are you trying to pick me up?

No, no, no. God, no.

I was, you know, just looking
for somebody to talk to.

Well, then, excuse me.

Can I have the phone, please?

I didn't mean to be rude.

It's just so hard
to meet someone

in a place where
everyone is married, you know?

And if you're not interested,

I'm better off sitting alone.

Are you trying to pick me up?

No, no, no, operator.
I know there's somebody there.

Just let the phone ring
a few more times.

Hello?

Laverne, it's Harry.

Laverne's not here.

Laverne, I know it's you.

What gave me away?

About Bobby Saffra,
I was just wondering

how Dr. Gordon is doing
with Bobby.

Nothing's changed
since your last four calls.

Bobby's fine.

He's named his dog
after Dr. Gordon.

Really?

Well, I mean, that's...
That's real nice.

Have you heard from Barbara
or Carol?

No. Of course,
you call here so much,

they probably can't get through.

Look, the other line's blinking.

I better go. It might be you.

Don't worry, be happy.

- Usual?
- Please.

I'm beginning to worry
that's the only song he knows.

And I'm not happy.

Hi. Is this the service?
Where's Laverne?

In 30 years of practice,

my office has never
closed this...

What? It's Dr. Gordon's way?
What is?

Efficiency?

And what, exactly,
does that make my way?

Excuse me.

Did he... I mean, he actually used

the word "sloppy"?

No, don't put me through.
I don't want to talk to him.

Hi there, Dr. Gordon.
How are you?

Well, I just wanted you
to know, I mean,

I could come back early if,
you know, god forbid,

anything sloppy was going on.

You know, I wouldn't want
a lot of sloppy things

slopping all over you.

No? You sure? Good. Bye.

Things going all right?

- Yeah. Great.
- Good.

No, it's not great.
I just... i...

It's just hard
for me to be here.

I used to come to places
like this with my wife

before she died.

I'm sorry.
Your wife is dead?

Yes. It's almost two years now.

And you're not trying
to pick me up.

- It's just...
- I mean, really...

What is it? I mean,
what's wrong with me? Tell me.

It can't be my weight.

I lost 13 pounds to come here.

Actually, it was 15,
but today at the pool,

I accidentally swallowed
some water and gained back two.

Hi, this is Dr. Weston.

I'm checking on Dreyfuss Weston.

I brought him in three days ago.

Half St. Bernard,
half retriever.

Just to be clear,

we were having a conversation,

but instead, you decided
to call a dog?

No, I just wanted to make sure...

I mean, if... I could come back

if Dreyfuss is getting lonely...

Really?

A pretty little mixed collie?

You think it might be serious?

That's it, I'm going to bed.

Miss, your room number?

Thanks, but I think
I'd rather just be alone.

You know something,

you've been singing that song
for three days.

Now, I have to admit,
for the first 40, 50 times,

I really wasn't
paying attention.

But I think you finally
got through to me.

I'm gonna go someplace,
and I'm gonna get happy.

Don't worry, be happy.

God, what a hell of a way
to start the morning!

- I'm back.
- I see that.

How long have you been here?

You've gone through
all my files.

Well, the plane got in
at 3:00 A.M.,

so I had a little extra time.

When did you schedule
Cole Taylor's x-rays?

Tomorrow.

- Have you ordered any bactrim?
- I have.

- Who runs a better office?
- Dr. Gordon does.

- But the kids hate him.
- They do?

They do?

No, he run this place
like a factory.

Laverne, dear,
would you do me a favor?

If Carol or Barbara call,
don't tell them I'm here.

Laverne, I tried in The Bahamas,

but I was miserable.

I see. So now it's our turn.

Did I say welcome back?

No.

Well...

We'll see how the day goes,
and I'll let you know.

So I came back a little early.

I mean, I just was not
having a good time, Dreyf.

Although I heard on the phone
you were.

I tell me the truth,
am I a burden on you? Am I?

Aww...

Thanks, pal. Thank you so much.

But you know, I am
a burden on the girls,

and I don't want that.

But I want to be part
of their life.

And you don't know what
I'm talking about.

You just know that
you and I are okay?

Thank you so much.

Okay, Dreyf, let's go home.

Nice.

Hey...

Okay, I'll make a list
of all the cleaning jobs

and divide them up
equally between us.

If it's your job
to clean something,

I'll put a "B" next to it.

And if it's mine,
I'll put a "C."

Just like when we were kids.

We never did this
when we were kids.

What did we do?

We didn't do anything.

I did all the cleaning,
and you were a cheerleader.

God, you have
the most distorted memory

of anyone I've ever met.

It is not distorted.

I have a crystal-clear memory
of you flouncing out of here

waving those pompons
in that uniform.

- All right, fine.
- Fine.

Good. Then we'll just
do this for daddy.

- Fine.
- Good.

- Good.
- Fine. Make a list.

- I will.
- Good.

The uniform I had to iron.

- Carol!
- Okay, okay.

I will vacuum, you do the sinks.

You can't vacuum.
You're terrible at vacuuming.

If there was a vacuuming team,
you could cheer for them.

I'll get the mop.

God, would you look
at all this dust!

Daddy lets that cleaning woman
get away with murder.

He just doesn't know
how to run a house.

Maybe he should buy a condo.

- I see.
- You don't want to clean,

so he should sell the house.

Come on, Dreyf, let's go.

Let's go. Come on.

I know, I know. Here we are.

Being a meter maid
is dangerous work,

and very few people realize
how important.

You know, a lot of us think

it would really upgrade
our image

to be known as meter "analysts."

Did you say
you lived here alone?

Yep.

- Who are these women?
- Women?

- In these pictures.
Are they family?

Okay, sure. Good.

Family. My family.

My sisters and dear old dad.

I think family is so important.

Are you and your sisters close?

No, no. Forget about them.

I never see them.
We had a fight.

I don't even know
where they live.

How about a nice glass of wine?

Sure.

Wine... wine...

Where do I keep the wine?

What's this?
- Cooking oil.

Okay, let's hang on to that.

Come with me.

There's a refrigerator
in the garage.

Maybe the wine's in there.

I'll just dust the knick knacks.

Please don't touch
the knick knacks.

I don't feel like
picking up broken glass.

I will dust the knick knacks.

Then I'm gonna do the laundry.

Over my dead body.

Carol, you're doing
all the work.

And it's taken you
15 years to realize that.

Did you hear that?
I heard something.

Hey, what do we need wine for?

We'll go upstairs,
we'll get to know each other.

We'll kiss, we'll make love.

We'll tear up
that parking ticket.

I am sick.

Your sisters!

Right.

I am just sick.

Aren't you going
to introduce me?

I don't think so. She's
obviously not feeling very well.

But, Charley, they're here.

Isn't that all
that really matters?

No. I mean yes.

I mean, of course
I'm thrilled they're here.

It's just... wait a second.
Where are you going?

I can't believe
I was here for this.

Debbie, wait a second.

I'm dying to hear
the explanation

for this one, Charley.

Do you have anything
to say for yourself?

Yeah. Do you knowing
where dad keeps the wine?

Buh-bye.

What are you doing?
You're not going?

No, Charley, it's okay.

You must have so much
to say to each other.

God bless you all.

You are a worse sleazeball
than I even imagined.

Yeah...

You are really
the most disgusting,

insensitive person
that I have ever met.

Get off it.
You should be thanking me.

If it wasn't for me,
your father would have never

gone to The Bahamas.

- What does that mean?
- I'm the one who told him

what a burden he is to you.

He had no idea
you were shipping him down there

so you two could finally
have a life of your own.

Gee. And you call me
insensitive.

Hey, Debbie, wait up!

The family's reconciled,
and I moved next door.

She's buying it.

This is terrible.

This is horrible.

Right now, daddy is sitting
down in The Bahamas

all by himself,

and he thinks we sent him there

because we don't want him here.

- God.
- We gotta fix this.

We gotta call him.

How did things get
so turned around?

I don't want to get rid of him.

It's almost like
we just got him.

I know. I feel the same way.

When mom died,
it was scary, you know.

It was, like...

Well, like no one
was gonna be there anymore.

But then...
Kind of real quietly,

he was just there. You know?

All the time.

He just let you know
someone was there

for you to depend on.

I want him home.

Me too.

I'm home!

And I want to thank you girls

for the best time I ever had.

These three minutes
in the closet.