Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 1, Episode 5 - Father of the Bride - full transcript

Bottom of the ninth. Two out.

Runners on first and second.

Here's the pitch.

It's a long ball,
left centerfield!

Dreyfuss goes back! Back!

Plays it off the couch!
Runner rounding third!

Here's the throw!

Here he is and he's out!

Aww, good play.

Great play. Hit the showers.

All right.



- Good morning.
- Morning, babe.

These are for you.

You bought me pots?

I bought you pots
that aren't aluminum.

Aluminum pots can cause
brain damage.

If they fall on your head,
maybe.

There. You're all set.

You can cook safely.

I don't cook.

You never cook?

Never. At most, I heat up.

You mean you haven't made
a meal since mom died?

No.

How do you eat?



I eat mostly take-out, you know?

Ribs, Chinese, pizza.

And if I get real ambitious,

I make myself a TV dinner.

But then I feel obligated
to watch TV.

I had no idea you
were eating like this.

And you're a doctor.

We're human. We like crap.

I'm cooking you dinner.

What are you talking about?
Don't you have a date, baby?

You told me you were
going out with somebody.

We went. It's over.

What happened?

What happened? He dumped me.

I pick them.

Find me a guy who spits at me,
I'm his.

Anyway, he was a jerk.

He was a trainer.

You dated an animal trainer?

He trains people.

To do what?

To exercise.

Who needs a trainer to exercise?

What's to train?

You put on a jock strap and run.

Hi.

Hi, baby. Hi.

When did you get back?

I tried calling you
this morning.

- I just got in.
- Where'd you go?

To meet his parents.

I knew it.

The minute I saw this guy,
I knew it.

What guy?

I fixed her up a couple
of months ago with a doctor.

I date a trainer and you fix
her up with a doctor?

Why did you fix him up with her
and not with me?

I don't know.
It was just a feeling, dear.

He seemed more like a Barbara
kind of a guy

than a Carol kind of a guy.

And what exactly is
a Barbara kind of a guy?

I don't know, dear.

Kind of up, cheery, happy.

And what do you fix me up
with, a coroner, what?

Please. Come on.

So what happened?

This is serious, right?

We got serious here.

He asked me to marry him.

A-ha-ha!

Yeah! Married! Married!

I am so happy.

I am so happy!

Will you... I am so happy!

Hey, hey. Calm down.

I can only stay a little while.

He proposed.

The doctor proposed.

You gonna marry him?

- Maybe.
- Maybe?

Well, I'm not totally sure.

Totally sure?

Nothing's totally sure.

Are you mostly sure?

Mostly.

Mostly sure is sure.

I guess.

Baby! How wonderful!

I'm gonna call and tell
your baby sister.

Some kind of irony here.

Your sister gets doctors

and you get dumped by a trainer.

And what in the world
makes you think

I was dumped by a trainer?

He's my trainer.

He dumped you for this girl
I know.

And you should see this girl.

You better get yourself
a trainer.

So when is this wedding?

Probably not until
the middle of next month.

Probably a Saturday afternoon.

No.

I hate afternoon weddings.

You have it during the day
and then, well,

what do I do at night?

Do what you always do.

Drink too much, get loud, vomit,

and hit on all
the married women.

Yeah.

This is the flu season.

You cannot take an hour
and a half lunch

during the flu season.

Laverne, I would like you
to meet

my future son-in-law
Dr. Brent Wolcott.

Which one's he marrying?

- Barbara.
- How do you do?

- Hi.
- You got to go now.

I'll... I'll see you tonight.

Yeah, right.

Room one, a monkey bite.

Room two, a screamer.

All right.

I am so happy.

I am so happy
I can not tell you.

Did you see him? Did you see?

A doctor. A nice doctor.

Doesn't wear bracelets.
Isn't incorporated.

Just a nice, wonderful doctor.

She couldn't have ended up
with a more terrific guy,

unless of course she married me,

which is a very sick thought.

Not where I come from.

You people... you really...

It's a very small place.

Surrounded by mountains.

The roads are either closed
by snow or mud,

so what are you gon' do?

Enough hooch,
everybody looks the same.

Course, everybody really
does look the same.

We're all related.

Room one now.

Yes.

I don't know why we need a tent.

We have a very nice yard.

Rain.

Okay, napkins.

We need them, I guess.
Otherwise I'd use my sleeve.

What do you want
the napkins to say?

Talking napkins?

Printed.

Let's keep this simple, okay?

So far we have a tent,
we have flowers,

and we have napkins.

Now what's next?

Matchbooks.

No, this is absurd.

This is not what I want.

I want to throw a few hot dogs

on the barbecue
and call it a day.

How many at a table?

No tables.

Drive-through?

I don't want to do this, daddy.

- Come on.
- Honey, come on now.

I want something simple.

I mean, okay.

It's your wedding.

Now you're disappointed.

No, no.

You sure?

Yes. Absolutely.

Okay, now...

Maybe a little, you know?

Just a little.
It's natural, you know?

A tiny bit. It's nothing.

Well, I don't mean it's nothing.

It actually is really
quite something,

but, you know, it's not much.

I'm, you know,
moderately disappointed.

Big deal. So what?

I'm disappointed.

I can live with that. Please.

It's crushed I can't live with.

And I'm... I'm crushed, dear.

I'm sorry. I am just crushed.

Your mother and I had
to get married in city hall

because we couldn't afford
anything else.

Carol eloped.

We never had a real party here.

Except for Carol's divorce.

You know, I mean,
it's just that this

would have been a wedding,
you know,

for the whole family.

Your mother would have loved it

and it would just thrill me
to do it.

That's all. Go on.

Okay.

Are you sure?

- Yes.
- All right.

I'm not talking you into this?

- No.
- Thank you, sweetheart.

You won't regret it.

Okay, we've got 200 people.

What are we serving?

I don't know 200 people.

You know 100.

His family is the other hundred.

Who are all these people?

Mostly cops, people I work with.

Well, that makes it simple.

We know what to serve.

Coffee and glazed doughnuts.

That's funny.

We'll serve chicken.

A lot of people don't like
to eat meat.

Okay, 200 people.

We need 100 chickens.

We have four burners.

How do we do this?

Caterers.

Right. Of course.

Now, we have to board Dreyfuss.

No way.

Fine. Dreyfuss stays.

It'll be nice.

You get all dressed up
and a dog sniffs your crotch.

He's part of the family, Carol.

He's staying.

Wait. No, wait, wait, wait.

He can be the ring bearer.

Dreyfuss, here, shake. See that?

Now we just scotch tape
the ring to his paw.

You open the door
without looking?

Are you crazy?
It's 2:00 in the morning.

I thought you were someone else.

At 2:00 in the morning?

Barbara, why are you here?

I have to talk to you.

This is a nice place.

I've never been here.

I've lived here for three years.

You've never invited me.

You don't have to invite family.

Family comes.

Generally with a hanging plant
and a decent chardonnay.

So who's the guy?

What guy?

The guy that you were gonna
open the door for

at 2:00 in the morning?

You don't know him.

Barbara, what do you want
to talk to me about?

My situation.

You always let a guy
come over so late?

I'm sorry, but the night
before my sister

marries a doctor, I don't feel

like sleeping alone.

I can't marry him.

That's it. I can't marry him.

That's... that's it.

So I've told you and now
what am I gonna do?

Did you tell daddy?

Are you kidding?

You're the only one who knows.

But you never tell me anything.

You haven't told me
one single thing since 1978.

All of a sudden,
I'm your best friend?

I couldn't trust you before.

You used to listen in
on my phone calls.

Maybe that's because every
time I picked up the phone,

you were on it.

I can't help it if
I was popular.

- And I wasn't?
- Maybe not as much.

Maybe I didn't put out.

Are you saying I did?

I didn't!

That's not what I heard.

Yeah, right.

I can't believe we're arguing
like this.

Story of our lives.

Really.

Why?

Well, all I know
is I was perfectly happy

for the first 4 1/2 years
of my life,

when all of a sudden
this baby showed up.

And from then on all I ever
heard were two words

"adorable" and "Barbara.".

That's it.

It's the truth.

You were born. My life was over.

They forgot about me.

Sometimes there wasn't even
a place set dinner.

And all I ever heard was,
"isn't Carol smart?

"Have you seen Carol's
report card?

"She is just so smart.

She's an Einstein."

They said I was smart?

I never heard that.
I never heard "smart."

They said, "brilliant."

Carol, "adorable" doesn't last.

"Brilliant" does.

I mean, you can be brilliant
at 70.

You can not be adorable.

At 70, I won't be able
to find my house.

I'll take adorable till 40,
then a quick death.

I'd give anything to be smart.

You are smart.

Smart is knowing you're marrying
the wrong guy before,

not when you walk
into his office

and find he and his secretary
naked on the couch.

You didn't.

And he raised himself up
on one elbow and said,

"this is not what you think."

And I believed him.

That's not smart.

God.

So, my adorable sister...

What's the story?

I don't want to marry him.

You realize this is
the night before?

Everyone gets nervous
the night before.

It's not that. I wish it was.

Daddy's so excited.

You know I started dating him
because of daddy?

And then tonight, I realized
that I'm marrying him

because of daddy,
because daddy's so happy,

and I love seeing daddy happy.

Barbara, that is not the reason

to marry him,
to make daddy happy.

You marry him because it's right

and because you love him.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

This is not like
breaking a date.

This is big.

I mean, we're talking about
a wedding.

I know.

We're talking about
a man's life.

We're talking about
200 shrimp cocktails.

You're not making this
any easier.

I'm sorry.

I want that special thing
that mom and dad had.

I mean, even at their
worst times,

they never questioned
their relationship.

That's what I want.

It's tough to get by tomorrow.

Laverne, you're not dressed.

Is it the wrong date?

200 chickens and
it's the wrong day!

It's today. It's today.

Take it easy.

It's not for six hours yet.

Six hours. Six hours?

We'll never be ready.
Where is the food?

Where are the caterers?

Outside in the cooking tent.

Yes. No.

Yeah, the cooking tent.
Of course.

Laverne, thank you so much
for coming over

and helping out.

I don't know what
I would do without you.

Now, are you sure
you want to eat breakfast

dressed like this or do you have
many of these outfits?

No, I'm not eating breakfast.

I'm just too nervous.

Why did I order chicken?

Everybody saw that 60 Minutes
show on chicken.

They'll never eat it.

I'm not gonna eat it.

Actually, it's not chicken.

It's rock cornish game hens.

Same thing.

Completely different.

A swan is completely different.

Those are midget chickens.

A-ha-ha!

Look who's here.

The bride.

The beautiful, beautiful bride.

And what am I? A cow pie?

Look who's here.

The bride's beautiful sister.

Boy.

So how'd you sleep?

Tell him.

I can't.

Well, you know,
it's an easy one.

You slept well or you didn't.

Go on.

Forget it.
This is not so important.

I can't marry Brent, daddy.

You know, it's a question
that people always ask

and they don't really give
a damn about the answer.

I mean, "did you sleep well?"

If the answer's yes, so what?

If it's no, what the hell
you gonna do about it now?

It's already morning, you know?

Did you hear what she said?

You know, the sleeping
question is very much like

the "how are you" question.

Nobody really cares
what the answer is...

She said she can't marry Brent.

Except me, of course,

because I am a doctor
and I have to ask people

how they are and occasionally,
it occurs to me now,

I have to ask them how
they slept.

Now, no one at any time
this morning

said anything about
not getting married today.

I don't want
to marry him, daddy.

Of course you do.
He's a doctor.

So what?
She doesn't have gallstones.

And what makes you think doctors
are so great anyway?

We are. Everyone knows that.

We have a tent! You see?

We have over 200 people coming!

We have appetizers.
We have a band.

What are we supposed to do?

A tent!

I forgot about the tent.

Then of course I think
she should marry him.

There you go.

Daddy... I want a marriage
like you and mom had.

I want to look the way you did

when mom walked into a room.

And I don't have
to see my face to know

I've never looked like that.

I'm sorry to disappoint you.

I am not disappointed.

I am happy.

I'm happy your mother and
I raised such a smart girl.

Great.

Adorable and smart.

Calm down.

Calm down?

There's a terrific young man
who's gonna walk

through that door
any minute now to find out

the life he thought he had,
he doesn't.

- It's him.
- I'm out of here.

It's him.

It's him

It's him

Hey.

Hey.

You want to come in?
Sure.

I took a look out back.

Everything looks great.

Well, you know,
it's not so great.

The tent leaks. Barbara!

And we have... we have...
We have chicken.

People hate chicken.

Barbara!

And the helium balloons
are ridiculous,

and if you ask me,
this whole wedding

is third-rate.

Barbara!

Barbara, here. Barbara, Brent.

- Brent, Barbara.
- We've met.

Yeah, I'm not supposed
to see you before the wedding.

It's bad luck.

There you have it.

I can't do it.

What?

I can't marry you.

You're making a joke, right?

She's making a joke.

I wish.

Now, wait second. What...

Well, you're calling
the wedding off?

Now?

I'm sorry.

Well, Harry...

What happened?

It's not right.

I mean,
you're a wonderful person

and I love being with you
and we have

a great friendship.

You make me laugh
and I can talk to you.

Then marry him, for god's sake!

Are you supposed
to be helping me?

The magic isn't there.

Magic?

Magic is for adolescents.

Magic doesn't last.
Am I right, Harry?

I had magic for 30 years.

Well, gee.

I'd like to say that I feel good
about this, but, um...

I don't.

I mean, I don't even feel
sportsmanlike about it.

I feel like... I feel like...

I feel like crap.

Well, you're taking it
beautifully.

The one thing I guess
it's better now than later.

Much.

I mean, later would get
very complicated.

We'd have a house and
we'd have cars and kids.

I mean, how do you split that,
you know?

- Right.
- A boat.

We'd have a boat.

And a weekend place in the Keys.

No, not the Keys.
In The Bahamas.

Are you listening to this?

Nah.

It could have been a mess.

Yes.

Well...

I guess I better
go tell the family.

I think they're still
back at the hotel.

Listen

take some chicken.

So I'll...

I'll see you.

I'm really sorry, Brent.

You're an idiot.

The man's a prince.

Someone else's prince.

- Done?
- Done.

We better start making phone calls

unless you want to have
a sit-down dinner

for 100 cops.

Phone calls.

Carol?

Do you have plans
for the weekend?

No, why?

Brent is single.