Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 1, Episode 18 - The More Things Change... - full transcript

Joanne, that's the best
piece of gossip I heard

since Dr. Webster's receptionist
got caught a-xeroxin' her breasts.

Hey, Dan. Nice to see you.

Boss man, gotta go.

Come on, Laverne, let's go.

Who's next?

Hey, want to hear the latest
from the hospital grapevine?

That nurse lansky
used to be a man?

No, this is big.

Nurse Lansky used to be a man?

That explains the bald spot.



Come, Laverne, come on.
What's on the grapevine?

Our medical center
has been sold

to the Gray Kirk corporation.

Really, who did you hear
that from?

It leaked out of urology.

They say these Gray Kirk people
are ruthless.

Laverne, don't worry.

This place runs so smoothly,

anybody would be crazy
to fool with it.

Come, who's next?

Stanley Simmons,
room one, tetanus shot.

Stanley.

Stanley.

Hi, doc.



Hey, Stan "the iron man"
Simmons.

It's always great to see
my oldest patient.

Well, we will skip
the weight check.

My humpty dumpty scale
only goes up to 90.

Listen, you were terrific
in that Cincinnati game,

and when that guy forgot
to signal for the fair catch,

you drilled him.

Yeah, I always feel guilty

when I have to delay the game
like that.

So what, you need
a tetanus shot?

Yeah, you know, during one
of those five-man pileups,

the right tackle sunk his teeth
into my leg.

I love football.

Pretty good. Come, sit.

You know, I'll never forget
that tackle you made

in the end zone against Houston.

I mean, you slaughtered
that guy.

Doc, does this have to be
a shot?

I mean, couldn't you just
put it on a sugar cube?

Now, don't worry.

Come on, Stan,

it's gonna be over
in just a minute.

No, it won't. No, it won't.

I saw it! I saw it!

All right, come on now, Stan.

You remember how we do this,
don't you?

We close our eyes,
pinch our nose,

pinching hard,
pinching real hard,

real hard, real hard,
and it's over.

Boy, I didn't feel a thing.

You know, that's why
I keep coming to you, doc.

Though it is embarrassing being
the iron man and everything.

Bye, Laverne.

See ya, iron man.

Don't get a chance to say that
around here every day.

Mail's in.

This one's marked personal
and confidential.

It ain't neither.

This one, however,
is truly upsettin'.

"To Dr. Weston,
you are hereby notified

"that as of next Monday,
the 15th,

"your office will be moved to
room 208 on the second floor.

"Thank you, Janice Brattle,
vice president,

Gray Kirk corporation"?

I don't believe this.

Looks like the grapevine
was right.

They just bought this milk cow,

and they're already a-tweakin'
the udders.

No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

This is where I draw the line.

I've had enough... I've had enough
changes in my life.

I lost my wife;
My kids moved out;

my kids moved back.

I mean, this... this... this is
the only thing in my life

that has remained constant.

This is 25 years in this office.

I mean, I've treated thousands
of kids here,

and they just think
they can send me a memo

and tell me I'm out?

No, no, no, no, they're gonna
have to drag me out of here

kicking and screaming.

Well, in that case,

I am gonna need more
than two guys to help me move.

Laverne, you forget
about moving.

I want you to call down.

I want you to reserve
the auditorium for tomorrow

and then call every doctor
in this building

and tell them to be there
for a rally.

We are going to fight
the Gray Kirk corporation.

Well, it's an uphill battle
against these corporations,

but I'm with you all the way.

It's like my daddy used to say,

"never give up a pediatric's
office without a fight."

Your daddy said that?

Well, actually, he said it
about a whiskey still,

but I'm adapting it
to the present situation.

Come on.

Now, Dreyfuss,
I know I got upset with you,

but the next time
we run into Mr. Wilson,

I want you to remember,
a man's leg is his castle.

Good day, Barbara.

I thought I'd stop by
for a spot of tea.

Charley, is that a mustache?

How very observant of you.

It's fake, right?

Precisely.

Just between you and me,
I'm in a rut.

The chicks aren't happening,

so I thought I'd change
the old image.

I get it.

So you got a fake mustache.

This is like instead of reading
or being more courteous, right?

Right.

So I thought I try different
looks before I commit to any.

Charley, I don't know
if this cultured,

sophisticated mustache is you.

I know, but there was

a waiting list
for the fu manchu.

Good-bye, Charley.

Hi, Charley.

Aren't you going to mention
my mustache?

It's fake. It's stupid.

Can we move on now?

You bet.

What's this?
- Don't touch that.

That's my little sister
Emily's old diary.

I was cleaning, and I found it
behind her dresser.

I love diaries.

Do you want to read,
or should I?

Charley, no.

You and Grant Frasier
in an elevator?

Give me that.

And we're in.

Look, she's writing about
our old dog, Sergeant.

God.

This brings back
so many memories.

I loved old Sarge.

How about this?

Last night, Barbara and Carol
practically killed each other.

God, I remember this.

Barbara lost my charm bracelet,

and so to get back at her,

I broke her favorite
record album.

We didn't speak for weeks.
It was a nightmare.

I have never forgiven her
for that.

Speed it up.

I got to get this mustache back
by noon.

Wait a minute. What's this?

"I hate myself for having
caused this fight

"between Barbara and Carol,
but how do I tell Carol

that I'm the one
who lost her bracelet?"

Emily lost my bracelet,

and I've been blaming Barbara
all these years.

I feel terrible.

I forgot my badge.

I'm sorry, Barbara.

I love you so much.

I am so sorry, so sorry.

Carol, it is no big deal.
It's right he... here.

I got to go.

Carol, I'm late. I've got to go.

I'm gonna make it up to her.

I am going to replace
that record I broke.

It is the least I can do.

Bloody touching, Carol,
but must go.

Well, love, cheerios.

Charley, that's cheerio.

Hey, I have the cereal.
I know what it is.

Good, okay, right.

Harry.

Great, I'm glad you came by.

I was running a little late,
but I am ready.

We can march on down
to that rally together.

We just came from
the auditorium, Harry.

We are the rally.

- What, nobody came?
- Nope.

That's crazy. There are 125
doctors in this building.

You're the only ones
who showed up?

Well, I don't blame them, Harry.

I mean, nobody ever wins

a battle against
a big corporation.

Come on, this is too important
to give in without a fight.

Let me tell you what
your problem is here, Harry.

You got all your eggs
in one basket.

Now, me, I got the heart
surgery racket,

but say I hurt my hand
playing paddle tennis.

No problem. Why?

Because I own
a Der Wienerschnitzel.

And that, my friend,
is peace of mind.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait, wait,
just listen to me now.

I mean, not only
are they planning

to kick me out of my office
of 25 years.

They have all sorts of surprises
in store for us.

For instance,
they are planning to move

the physical therapy department
to another building.

Wait a minute, that's gonna be
very hard on the patients,

moving back and forth
from one building to another.

To hell with them.
There goes the jacuzzi.

They are planning to cut back
on building security.

We cannot let them
get away with this.

Harry, I'm behind you 100%,

because all these complaints

are really a subset
of a larger issue,

which is how this
medical center smells.

Here we go again.

I know, Lucy, please.

Just because it's a hospital

doesn't mean
it has to smell like one.

I heard some nasty rumors
about them upping the rents.

And don't quote me on this,

but I heard I they're
talking about

shutting down the cafeteria.

Now, now, see,
now we're rolling.

Come on, let's get these
complaints down on paper.

Pardon the interruption.

I just stopped by
the auditorium.

I guess you won't
be needing this.

I guess not, Laverne.

By the way, I just tried
to take a peek

at the new office
they assigned us to.

And so what happened?

Well, turns out
it's Dr. Harrison's lab.

Now, he's the one working on
that defense department Grant,

and it's strictly off-limits.

Really?

Some kind of ESP research.

Which explains Dr. Harrison's
23 consecutive wins

in the football pool.

Laverne, why don't you set up
a meeting for the four of us

and this Janice Brattle.

We are now ready to fight
the Gray Kirk corporation.

Harry, I see where
you're going with this thing

and I think maybe we should
just sit back

and watch this one take shape.

No, no, what we should do
is march down there,

tell this woman what we want,

and not leave until
we damn well get it.

Better.

I was going with it another way,

but I like your thing better.

Okay, here we go.

You do have the record album.

I don't believe it.

Yes, I know it's rare.

I've tried every store
and flea market in town.

Thank you very much.
I am on my way.

Hi, Carol.

Charley, I didn't think
it was possible,

but you have finally
out-jerked yourself.

Hey, the a-list thing
was a lot of work.

With this, I can just sit back
and stroke my chin,

and the chicks will think
I'm deep in thought.

When the truth is,

I'm undressing them
with my eyes.

Charley, I really don't
have time for this.

I have a hot tip

on where to find
that record album in Lauderdale.

Charley.

And listen to this.

If they do ask me
one of my deep thoughts,

I lay this baby on them.

"I think, therefore, I...

Am."

Charley, does it trouble you

that virtually every dolphin
in the ocean

is your intellectual superior?

Hi.

I'm Janice Brattle.
You must be Dr. Weston.

- Hi.
- Why don't you come on in now.

No, I'd rather wait
for my three colleagues.

If you're referring to doctors
Bloom, Coolidge, and Moss,

they're not coming.

It seems they've come down
with the flu.

Really?

They seemed just fine
this morning.

Yeah, well, flu seem to hit them

just around the same time
that I mentioned

that Gray Kirk also owns
the insurance company

that writes
their malpractice policies.

- Really?
- Yes.

You know, I've been feeling
a little sniffley myself lately.

No, no, no, no.

I would like very much
to talk with you.

Have it your own way, doctor.

I did try to reach you earlier,
doctor,

but you weren't there,
and now I'm late for a meeting,

so I'd appreciate it
if you'd be quick, okay?

All right, yeah, fine.

Yes, I will.
I'll be brief and to the point.

25 years ago, a young doctor,
Harry Weston, first hung his...

Doctor.

Number one,
you're moving physical therapy

to another building.

Number two, there's talk,
of course, of upping our rents.

Three, you're cutting back
on security.

Four, there is the nagging issue

of the way
this medical center... smells.

You're right; The smell thing
struck us immediately.

But we've isolated the problem.
It's the ventilation.

As for the other issues,
I can't help you.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You're giving me
the smell thing, and that's it?

That's right,
and if there's nothing further,

I've got to go.

No, wait, wait, no.

There's a lot more I would like
to discuss with you,

starting with my office
of 25 years.

Miss Brattle, there's a ring
on my desk

where my coffee cup goes.

There are pencil marks
on the wall

showing the heights of all
my kids going back to the '60s.

My entire life has been
in that office,

and this faceless corporation
comes by and says,

"relocate."

Everyone on the tenth floor
has to be moved.

It's a corporate decision.
It's not reversible.

Really. Really.

Well, that's too bad.

You know, I keep hearing
you can't win

against these big corporations.

I don't care.

I am staying in my office.

I am not moving. Period.

Dr. Weston, I have a long list
of physicians

who would be more than happy

to occupy the office
that you've been assigned.

So you have a choice.

Either you move,
or you're evicted.

Yeah?

You're gonna hear this whether
you like it or not.

25 years ago, a young doctor,
Harry Weston,

first hung his shingle on
an unseasonably warm day

in October!

Barbara, I've been waiting
for you for hours to get home.

Can you tell me why
without hugging me?

Because I found Emily's
old diary,

and I have to confess,
I read part of it.

But I'm glad I did,
because it's given me the chance

to make up for what I did to you
years ago.

What, that haircut you gave me
with the pinking shears?

No, this is much better.

Here, I got you the record album
I broke so unfairly so long ago.

You're kidding.
- No.

- You did this for me?
- Yes.

Carol, you're the best sister ever.

No, you're the best sister ever.

Now come on. Open it.

The bean boys?

Yes!

Carol, I've never heard
of the bean boys.

You broke the beach boys.

No, the beach boys I could
have bought down the street.

This was the bean boys.

It's right here in the diary.

Right, that's b-e-a-c-h.

That's not an "n"?

No, you know how
Emily scribbles.

The beach boys,
I don't believe it.

For this I drove all day
to a trailer park

and had lunch with a man
named Michael Dorf,

who claimed to be the fifth
bean boy.

- Carol, don't be upset.
- This is terrific.

I'm gonna love these guys.

Like this song.

A whole lot of beans.

- Evening, girls.
- Hi, daddy.

What's the matter, daddy?

Nothing, except that
this woman, Janice Brattle,

threatened to evict me
from my office.

What? That's terrible.

Daddy, she called.

Here's the message.

She wants
to meet me for lunch tomorrow

to reconsider
my list of demands.

Obviously she checked around

and found out with whom
she was dealing.

Ha, ha!

When will the fortune 500 learn

you cannot pull Harry Weston's
chain and get away with it?

Hi, everybody.

Charley, you took off the beard.

Yeah.

Hey, the bean boys.

I love the bean boys.

I got all their stuff at home.

You mean the beach boys.

No, I mean the bean boys.

Is this the one with
a whole lot of beans on it?

Yes.

I got a whole lot of beans

not their best work.

Charley, why'd you take off
that beard?

Well, I don't want
to change my image after all.

I'm happy with who I am.

Mistake.

No, I learned a lesson
from all this.

It's not the facial hair
that women look for in man,

it's the chest hair
that drives them crazy.

And I got that.

I got a whole lot of beans

Well, that was a very productive

and a very pleasant lunch,
and I thank you,

and we seem to have addressed
almost every issue on the list.

All except for the issue
of your office.

I think it's good we left that
till the last, don't you?

Won't you sit down?
- Yeah, thank you.

I hope I didn't strong-arm you
too much on the negotiations.

Well, you were tough,

but I think we reached
a reasonable compromise.

I'll just send this napkin down
to legal in the morning.

Harry, I'd like to apologize

for acting like such a beast
yesterday.

Sometimes I'm so busy being
a businesswoman,

I forget about being
a human being.

I must say, I like you
a lot better this way.

Me too.

You know what I hate most
about the corporate world?

It just doesn't give you time

to devote to certain
other aspects of your life.

That's true.

So sometimes you have
to take shortcuts.

Yeah, I know
exactly what you mean.

Good, I'm glad we're in synch,

because I have a little idea
I want to throw out to you.

Great.

Make love to me, and I'll let
you keep your office.

Harry, I realize that this is
sort of coming out of the blue,

but it's just the law
of supply and demand.

I have something you want:
Your office,

and you certainly
have something I want.

No, I don't.

I mean, I do. Of course I do.

But you can't have it.

Everything's negotiable.

Yes, I think that I should...
I should just go.

Harry, come over here
and kiss me,

or I'll Jack up your rent.

How can you talk to me
like that?

It makes me feel so cheap.

I mean today at lunch,
I thought you respected me.

Now it turns out you're
just like all the others.

What others?

I don't know; It just seemed
like the right thing to say.

Listen, as much as I would like
to keep my office,

there are certain ideals
I will not compromise.

And, miss Brattle,
let me tell you something.

I think you are
a very naughty woman,

and I shall have nothing more
to do with you.

What was that?
- Trash.

This isn't trash, Laverne.

This is all part of my life.

Bad news, there was a lot more
of your life

bagged up out there
in the dumpster.

Well, that's the last of it.
Come on.

I still can't believe it.

I got all my demands
but this one.

That took a lot of courage,

you standing up
to that corporation,

kind of like the way David
stood up to Goliath.

Well, thank you, Laverne.

But as I recall, Goliath never
demanded to sleep with David.

Where did you hear that?

Janice Brattle's secretary
is a chatty woman.

Let's get a move on.

I'd like to tell you I have
a good feeling about this,

but I don't.

I know what you mean.

There's a welcome mat
if I ever saw one.

This is it.

No.

Laverne, this is the same
floor plan as our old office.

I don't know.

I guess I could set up my stuff
over there.

It's the same.

We can probably make that
exam room one,

and that your private office.

It's exactly the same.
There's no difference.

Well, I'll see
where I can put my files.

I would try right over there
where they've always been.

Laverne, it's ex...
It's the same.

I can't believe
I went through all this,

and it's exactly the same.

Hi, doc.

They told me I'd find you
down here.

Iron man, our first patient
in our new office.

Yep.

So where are you gonna
put everything?

It's the same!