Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 1, Episode 17 - Dumped - full transcript

Carol?

Barbara.

Dreyfuss, my Butler.
How are you?

Anybody here?

No?

Ha-ha.
Great, Dreyfuss, we're alone,

just us guys?

Sunday morning...
You know what that means?

That means we go into the den.

Harry.

That means
we have no interruptions,



watch three or four games
at the same time,

and read the funnies
in our underwear!

Harry.

Dorothy.

What are you doing here?

Well, I just came over
to see you,

but I must say, this is more
than I'd ever hoped for.

Could I, please...

Certainly, certainly.

Yeah, and don't worry, Harry.

I didn't see a thing.

How can you live in Florida
and get so little sun?

Never mind.

Come on, I'll buy you
a cup of coffee.



Good, I want to do a little
dishing about Barbara and Jim.

Great, Barbara, Jim,
dishing: Terrific.

Now, who's Jim,
and what's dishing?

Jim is my favorite nephew

and the man that
your daughter's been dating.

Barbara's been dating someone?

For the past month.

Really?

Harry, the Japanese
have surrendered.

Now, you're gonna love
my nephew.

He is absolutely
a delicious kid.

He calls me. He writes me.

He remembers my birthday.

And the face?

Well, when you see him,

those are not dimples.

That's from me going like this:

So much.

Well, this Jim sounds
like quite a guy.

Well, Barbara's quite a girl.

And, Harry, they're in love.

Really?

I don't think Barbara's ever
truly been in love before.

What do you mean
you don't think?

Can't a father tell
when a daughter's in love?

Not without a wife.

That was Libby's job.

Libby knew everything
that was going on.

She just told me
what I needed to know.

You know, I would come home,

and she would tell me,
"Barbara's got a new guy."

Then a couple nights later,
she'd tell me,

"Barbara's got a new guy."

That would last about a week.

Then she would tell me,
"Barbara's got a new guy."

What about Carol?

Didn't tell Carol.

Depressed her too much.

Well, I'll tell you, Harry,

this has been going on
for over a month now,

and they are
just adorable together.

God, I am a genius.

What? You?

Of course me, Harry.

What, you think
these things just happen?

No.

You have to plan very carefully.

You have to arrange
chance meetings

that'll give them the desire
to see each other again.

No, it takes nurturing,

takes sensitivity,

not to mention
what I went through

to get rid of
that little slut he was seeing.

That was dishing.

I'd better get going.

And, Harry,
a little fashion tip:

Nobody wears
boxer shorts anymore.

Daddy, it's midnight.

What are you doing up?

I'm waiting up for your sister.

I mean, I had to find out
from a neighbor

that my own daughter's in love?

I want to see this guy.

I want to find out
who we're in love with.

Forget it.

You don't want to see him.

I've seen him.
He's just like all the others.

He's perfect. It makes you sick.

Hey, Carol.

I am serious, daddy.

I became physically ill
looking at this guy and Barbara.

It's that same feeling you get

when you think
about Jessica Lange.

She has babies with Baryshnikov.

She lives with Sam Shepard.

I mean, here, Jessica, please.

You take all the men.

The rest of us will just
lie down and die.

Eecsh, it's them. They're here.

No, you stay here.
You stay here.

I'll go get all the details.

Later on, we'll do
a little dishing.

You kiss with your eyes open.

I don't want to miss anything.

I like looking at you.

I like to look at you too.

Hi! Hi.

I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

I just thought I'd drop in
and say hello.

I'm Harry Weston.

Daddy, this is Jim harker.

Great. Hi.

Your aunt Dorothy called
and tells me

we're all having lunch together
next Wednesday?

Yeah, that's what she said.

We stopped over there earlier.

Those ladies are all so sweet.

Apparently our lunch is
the big news of the house.

That and the fact that
some guy in the neighborhood

is still wearing boxer shorts.

He is?

Get out.

Well, I guess
I'd better be going.

Bye-bye.

It was nice to meet you,
Dr. Weston.

Pleasure.

My god! I can't believe this!

My biggest fear in life
has always been

that I would fall in love,

and now it's here. I'm in love.

My biggest fear is that
there's no such thing as PMS

and this is who I really am.

Why? Why?

Why would you be afraid
of falling in love?

Because I'm afraid
that I'll change.

I have not been acting
myself lately.

I mean, if somebody cuts me off
in traffic,

I wave at them.

I was filling out
an arrest report the other day,

and I drew a little heart

over the letter "I" in "killer."

Ho-ho, the killer thing
is cute, sweet.

Daddy, it's so strange.

I mean, sometimes I'm so afraid,

and other times I think,

"please, god, please
don't let this feeling end!"

True or false:
I'm happy for her.

What are tsps?

And how many are there
in a tblsp?

Sorry this took
so long, Barbara.

I tried to save you money

by altering
the universal price codes,

but it backfired.

Thanks for picking
this stuff up for me, Charley.

I'm way behind.

It's bad enough
I've never cooked before,

but I'm cooking
for my family and Jim.

By the way, I didn't know
what zinfandel was,

so I picked up
some schlitz instead.

That's okay,
as long as you got the basil.

Better, bacon bits.

Charley, did you get
anything I asked for?

Yeah, I got you time.

The spice, Charley.

I wanted the spice.

Forget it. I'll figure it out.

Boy, you're sure going to
a lot of trouble for this guy.

Hey, brownies.

No! I made those for Jim.

People do that kind of thing
for each other

when they're really in love.

He does this kind
of thing for you?

Well, no. Men are different.

They're not able
to give of themselves

as freely as women do...

Or they are, and the whole thing
is just a huge lie

they've gotten away with
for years.

Well, good luck with everything.

I got to go.

Charley, don't you want
to stay for dinner?

I don't know, Barbara.
It smells real bad.

We'll do this, Barbara.

You go out and entertain
your boyfriend, okay?

What am I gonna tell him?

I doubt that we have
much of a secret here

after you started screaming,

"my god! My god! The flames!"

I know.

You stall him.

We'll run over to cafe francois,

pick up a little coq au vin,

and you can pretend
you cooked it.

Carol, you don't
have to do that.

Jim and I have feelings
for each other

that go far deeper

than whether someone
can cook or not.

Hi.

So, how's my little chef doing?

Fine.

Go!

So...

So are we gonna eat soon?
I'm getting kind of hungry.

Jim...

This is a new relationship,

and it would be foolish of me
to lie to you.

My sister Carol has eaten
our entire dinner.

What?

No, I can't do that.

I burned our dinner.

Well, that's okay.

Look, I should just go anyway.

I have a lot to do.

Go? No.

I've hardly seen you
at all this week.

Besides, my dad and Carol went
out to get us something to eat.

They wanted me to pretend
I cooked it.

Your family is so great.

As a matter of fact,
my aunt Dorothy was right.

You're the perfect girl.

The perfect girl?

You care how my day went.

You buy me gifts.

You send me cards that say
the perfect thing on them.

Barbara, you know me so well
that half the time, you...

Know what you're gonna say
before you say it?

Yes.

The thing is,

what's happening with us is,
it's happening pretty quick,

and...

It's a lot of responsibility,
and I...

My god, I know
what you're gonna say.

See?

I hate that.

Look, I really didn't want
to tell you this tonight,

but it can't wait.

It's not fair not to tell you.

I-I-I just can't do this
anymore.

I see.

Look, we could...
I mean, you know,

you wanna maybe
talk about it some more?

No.

Could you please go now?

Okay.

Poor Barbara.

She's still in bed.

Believe me, daddy,
she'll be fine.

She just has to go through
the whole breakup process.

When she finally gets up,

she'll call and beg off work

and spend the whole day
watching soap operas

in a feeding frenzy that will
end when and only when

she has eaten herself
into oblivion.

I did it:

200 sit-ups and three miles
in 25 minutes.

Okay, this is sick.

Barbara, honey, we thought
you were still in bed.

No way.

And I'm on a diet,
so no breakfast for me.

She's fine.

Now, hold it.

Barbara, honey,

you're depressed.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are,
my poor, sweet thing.

You just don't know it.

Now, tell your sister,

is this how you normally react
after you've been dumped?

I don't know.
I've never been dumped before.

Bitch.

Hey!

No, no, no.

Honey, honey, we're just...
We're worried about you.

Daddy, I'm fine.

My god, have you no soul?

All over the world,
women mourn lost relationships.

At the very least, Barbara,

they go out to the video store

and rent The Way We Were.

I'm going upstairs.

Vernon Beals.

What?

I remember now.

Vernon Beals dumped you.

Carol, Vernon Beals was ten.

His family moved
to Silver Springs, Maryland.

We still write.

Kenny Gross!

Kenny Gross dumped you.

Did Kenny Gross dump her?

No, me.

I'm so sorry, baby,

but I'm just glad
your sister's doing all right.

Barbara's a very strong
young lady.

And you believe that?

Daddy, she was in love with Jim,

really and truly in love

for the first time in her life.

And now he's gone,
and it's killing her.

So in order to avoid the pain,

she's refusing to deal with it.

She's in a total state
of denial.

I knew that.

No, Mrs. Butler.

Don't bother rushin'

we're a-runnin' way behind.

Doctor should have been
back from the hospital

30 minutes ago.

Well, he better have been
in an accident,

or he's got
a lot of explainin' to do.

Bye-bye.

How do you do?

I'm Dorothy Zbornak.

Geriatrics is two doors down
on the left.

Um, no, I'm here for Dr. Weston.

We have an appointment

with his daughter
and my nephew for lunch.

Well, Dr. Weston's not here,

and he didn't tell me
anything about lunch today.

Well, do you know where he is?

No, and he'd better hope
to god I never find out.

Well, he's a doctor.

Doesn't he have
a beeper or something?

Well, it's only for emergencies.

Does a broken nurse
constitute an emergency?

Doctor's office.

Hi.

Could you hold on a minute?

Listen, you'll just
have to wait.

I see no reason for that.

We're late for lunch already.

Now, please beep the doctor.

Look, I've got
people on the phone,

a waitin' room
full of sick young 'uns.

Now, why don't you just take
a load off and relax?

No, thank you.
I'm going to stand here

until you finish
your conversation

with Jethro or uncle Jed

or whoever the hell that is
on the phone.

I didn't appreciate that.

Could you hold on a minute,
Lurlene?

He's a child.
He doesn't feel well.

It makes him happy.

Excuse me. Is he contagious?

Well, we won't know that

until somebody figures out
what he has.

I see.

Tell me, honey,
is this your candy?

Sorry I'm late.

Dorothy, what are you
doing here?

Writing a check
to planned parenthood.

Come on. We got to get going.

I'm sure that Jim and Barbara
are waiting at the restaurant.

Dorothy, I need to speak
with you for a moment here.

I'll be with you guys
in just a minute, all right?

You got one minute

to stop socializin'
and start doctorin',

or I'm sendin'
all them young 'uns in at once.

Dorothy,
Barbara and Jim broke up.

Didn't you know?

You're kidding.

No, I'm not.

They broke up?

Yes.

What a shame.

I mean, they seemed so perfect
for each other.

I wonder what
Barbara did to him.

What do you mean,
what she did to him?

Well, I mean, I'm sure that
Jim would never have dumped her

if she didn't deserve it.

Deserved it? What is this?

What is this, she deserved it?

Harry, my nephew is a sweet,
loving, honest young man.

Excuse me.

And my Barbara is what,
a pimiento loaf?

Harry, will you be reasonable?

No wonder this didn't work out.

Your daughter is a little wild.

And what is that
supposed to mean?

Harry, that means
when they come looking

for someone to sacrifice
into the volcano,

she can relax.

I'm an adult. I'm in a bad mood.

That made me happy.

94... 95.

- Hi.
- Hi.

What do you want?

I came in here to help you cry.

Carol, I told you,

I don't feel like crying.

Yes, you do.

You have to cry, Barbara.

It is the only way
you're going to get over this.

Now, if you can't do it alone,

I'll just have to do
what I did when we were kids

and bend your fingers
all the way back to your wrist.

You never did that.

No, but I can't tell you
how badly I wanted to.

Carol, this is very sweet,

but I'm fine.

Barbara, I'm worried about you.

This isn't a natural way to act
after a breakup.

Just this once,
let me be your older sister

and help you through this, okay?

Now, I brought
everything you'll need:

Malted milk balls, essential;

cashews.

Carol, I swear,
I have never felt better.

The moment
Jim walked out that door,

I just stopped
thinking about him.

I was just looking
for a good time.

Have a dove bar.

Carol, really.

The way I see it,
I have this life,

and Jim can either choose to be
a part of it or not.

You really believe that?

Yes.

We can't be sisters.

There must have been
a hospital mix-up at birth.

Okay, well,

you seem to really have
a handle on this guy thing.

Sure, guys just want
to have a good time.

And of course,
you feel the same way.

Right?

Right.

It's not like
you were expecting Jim

to commit or anything?

No.

You are so lucky.

I wish I could be like that.

I wish I just wanted
to have fun,

and if somebody left me,
it didn't matter.

I'd kill to be like you.

But I'm not.

I want so much to find a man

who wants to have
a relationship.

I care so much
that somebody takes the time

and loves me back.

Carol, so do I.

I know.

It's okay.

This feels really terrible.

I know.

But I tell you something, Carol.

I'm gonna do this again.

This falling-in-love thing,

that felt really good.

You're right. It does.

I guess it's worth
risking a little hurt

to fall in love.

Good girl.

Besides, I lost 4 1/2 pounds.

Bitch.

Yes.

May I come in?

Dorothy, are you here
to apologize?

No, Harry, I'm test marketing
a new product:

Underwear on a stick.

Well, actually,
I thought I should

be the one who should
come to your house

to patch things up.

Aw, thank you.

Barbara all right?

I hope so.

Carol's up there with her now.

Want some coffee?

No, thanks.

Breaking up is never easy.

No.

At least, it wasn't for me
when I was young.

I once got dumped
on my birthday.

I got dumped at the prom.

Valentine's day.

New year's Eve.

Winter carnival.

New year's Eve.

Harry, you already said that.

I know.
I still can't believe it.

Hi, daddy. Hi, Dorothy.

Hi.

Carol and I are going out
to rent The Way We Were.

Barbara,

I just want to tell you that
I think Jim made a big mistake.

Thanks. That's nice of you.

I know.

Come on, Barbara. I love this.

I can't wait to get my hands
on that movie.

You're gonna be a mess
when this is over.

Harry, I'm glad
that the kids' breaking up

didn't destroy our friendship.

Me too.

You're a good friend, Harry.

And so are you, dear.

Well, friend, you want to watch
a little TV,

have a little popcorn?

Sorry, can't. Have a date.

Date? What's a date?

Friends are more important
than lovers.

Not getting any, Harry?