Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 1, Episode 16 - Blame It on the Moon - full transcript

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"Ramirez was ahead on points
when Collins caught him

"with a vicious right hand
to the head

"that sent his mouthpiece flying

and opened a huge, bloody gash
over his left eye."

Your mother couldn't give me
just one boy?

Look at this!

There's a panty-hose sale
at sak's.

Morning, everybody.

Hey. Panty-hose sale.

What's with the telescope,
Charley?



That's what I came by
to show you guys.

Borrowed this from a buddy
of mine on the cruise ship.

I'm gonna set it up tonight.

There's going to be a full moon.

A full moon?
That should be great.

Yeah, it should provide
just the right lighting

to watch the pool party
at the Tucker place.

Charley, don't you
have something better to do

with your evening?

As a matter of fact...

Thank you very much... I do.

This is just a minor diversion
until my late date with Darlene.

Darlene...

Let me guess... biochemist?



No, but who knows
what she might have become

if she hadn't gotten sidetracked
into that exotic dancing thing.

Charley, where do you find
these people?

Well, this particular one
fell right off the stage

into my lap.

Talk about your sure things.

This girl only knows two words:

"Yes" and "now."

Charley's not the only one
with a date tonight.

And who is the lucky guy?

His name is Kevin.

Kevin... isn't that
that cute guy

from your health club
you told me about?

I lifted weights every day
for almost a month

before I finally got him
to ask me out.

One more week, and I could have

physically intimidated him
into it.

Listen, I was thinking.

It might be kind of nice

if I made dinner
for the two of us,

so I would appreciate it
if you would

make yourself scarce
just till around 9:00.

But if the porch light
is off when you come home,

that means...

I don't want to know
what that means.

I will stay out till 10:00.

I got to go. I'm on stakeout.

There's this guy
that's been laundering money

for this car-theft ring,

and last night, we got a tip
that it's going down today.

Good luck.

I got to go.

I got to stop at the hospital.

One of the orthopedic surgeons

asked me to consult
on this little girl.

He's... you have a good date.

Bye, daddy.

Charley, you put
that telescope away!

Got it.

No, Mrs. Wieland.

That's a very detailed
description.

No need to bring
the diaper in too.

Bye-bye.

Good morning, Laverne.

Mrs. Beemer called.

Seems the baby prefers
her left breast.

What concerns her is,
so does Mr. Beemer.

And, Mrs. Wieland called again.

Not another diaper description.

That cute little nurse
from radiology is free now

if you want to ask her out.

I beg your pardon.

Don't play coy with me.

I seen the way
you been eyein' her.

And according
to the hospital grapevine,

little miss X-ray
wouldn't mind getting you

between those lead sheets, sir,

Laverne.

Well, I only bring this up.

Because if you are going
to ask her out,

tonight is the night to do it.

Full moon only comes
once a month.

What does a full moon
have to do with anything?

For a doctor,
you don't know much, do you?

Very strange and magical
and romantic things

happen under a full moon.

Laverne, you don't believe that.

It's true.

Nick and I met on the night
of a full moon.

That could have
happened anytime.

Not really.

If the moon hadn't been full,

Nick wouldn't have been
staring at it,

and if he hadn't been
staring at it,

he wouldn't have crashed
his pickup

into the tree in our front yard.

And if he hadn't crashed
into the tree,

my daddy,
who was on the top limb

picking apples at the time,

wouldn't have got so ticked off,

and I wouldn't have wound up
having to pick buckshot

from Nick's more-intimate parts.

And I can tell you for a fact,

if that hadn't happened,
we wouldn't be married today.

I don't know.
You might have met at a mixer.

Okay, Billy boy, my Billy.

There you go.

You were the best patient
of the day.

See ya.

You were the last patient
of the day.

Now, ain't
that full moon pretty?

It is nice.

You know, I'm not allowed
to go home

while Carol's
entertaining her friend.

I think I will drop by
radiology and see

if that lady has any plans
for the evening.

- Don't.
- Why not?

Hospital grapevine
got it a little mixed up.

Turns out it's
Dr. West she likes;

you shouldn' take it or leave.

Well, just as well.

You don't want to get involved
with a woman

who works with x-rays
for a living.

One day, she's sweet as punch.

Next day, she comes home.
She's 30 feet tall.

But don't worry.

You know, the moon
won't let you down.

Somebody'll turn up
when you least expect it.

The Dr. Weston?

Yes?

My name is Dr. Kenney.

Dr. Kenney,
what can I do for you?

For starters, you can leave
my patients the hell alone.

Pardon?

You saw Jenny Hopkins
at the hospital this morning.

You changed her medication.

That's right.

The attending surgeon asked
me to consult.

Well, I hope
you're pleased, doctor.

It wasn't easy to win

that little girl's trust
and confidence,

and now you've managed
to undermine it.

Excuse me. Wait just a minute.

You older doctors really get me.

Older doctors?

Older doctors?

You...

You young...

Woman.

Yeah.

She's gonna be reeling
from that one

for quite a while.

Dreyfuss, I've got
my hands full.

Can you get that?

Don't touch that dress.

That's what I'm wearing
for Kevin tonight.

Hello.

Hi. Kevin.

I was just talking
to someone about you.

Hey, listen.
I hope you're hungry.

I have got enough food here...

No, no. Of course.

I understand.

I mean, these things happen.

A rain check?

Of course. A rain check.

Right.

Bye.

A rain check.

What does he think I am,
the New York mets?

I thought for sure
it would go down tonight.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, is anything happening
out there?

Yeah, we're getting bored.

How about calling it a day?

Yeah, well, take off.

Don't worry.
We'll catch 'em tomorrow.

Right.

Why don't you go home, Doug?
I'll clean up.

- Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.
- Okay.

Damn criminal.

They say they're gonna show.

They don't show.

Their word means nothing.

That's it.

Take the bait.

Police! Freeze!

All right,
hands against the wall

and spread 'em!

You have just bought yourself
some serious jail time, buddy.

Okay, now, nice and easy,

put your hands on top
of your head.

That's it.

Now turn around... slowly.

Brad?

Barbara?

God.

You're even more beautiful
than when we were dating.

I don't believe this.

You've changed your hair
since high school.

I like it this way.

Brad, do you understand
what's happening here?

These are marked bills.
You're going to prison.

Yeah.

Well, it had to happen
sooner or later.

In a way, it's kind of a relief.

It's a perm, isn't it?

I like the way it frames
your face.

Where did I put my cuffs?

Still misplacing things?

I think they're over there.

Keep your hands
on top of your head.

Sorry.

Gawd.

Barbara, god.

Yeah, I can't tell you
how often I thought about you.

I always picture you
in that dress you were wearing

the last time I saw you,

the, the pink one
with the little straps

and the neckline.

Brad, I've never had to tell
a suspect this before,

but stop reminiscing.

And it was more salmon
than pink.

Let's go.

Hey, Barbara, wait.

Before we go,

there's something I got to know,

something at's been eating
away at me since high school.

What?

Well, if you weren't ready
to make love with me that night,

why didn't you talk
to me about it?

But to just stop seeing me
with no explanation...

I never understood that.

It really hurt.

What are you talking about?

I waited at my house
for you for hours.

You never showed.

Yeah, well, that's because

we were supposed to meet
at my place.

We changed plans, remember?

You didn't tell me about
any change of plans?

Barbara, I wrote you a note

and taped it inside your locker.

Well, I never saw any note.

My god.

What?

What did the note say?

I don't know.

Something like,
"meet me at my place.

I can't wait
to get you into bed."

Something like that. Why?

I meant to tell you.

I switched lockers
with Seymour Wasserman

the day before.

You mean my "I can't wait
to get you into bed" note

went to Seymour Wasserman?

Well, that certainly explains
his behavior at the prom.

I'm sorry, Brad.

Let me see if I understand this.

If not for the locker mix-up,

we would've made love
that night.

We would've kept
seeing each other.

God, who knows, our whole lives

might have turned out
entirely different.

Certainly, Seymour Wasserman
would have stopped

leaving messages on my machine.

Brad, you could have tried
to get me back.

You could have tried to explain.

I did.

I must've called you
about a thousand times,

and every time,
you hung up on me.

Well, why didn't
you come by, then?

I did, but you had
your sister answer the door

and say that you weren't home.

And the whole time,
I could see you

peeking through the curtains.

How is your sister?

Same.

God, Barbara.

I loved you so much.

That was high school, Brad.

Everything feels like love
in high school.

No, Barbara, this was special.

No one's made me feel
this good since.

Hey, Barbara,
tell me you don't sometimes

still think about me.

Brad, you're under arrest, okay?

It doesn't matter what I think.

It matters to me.

Damn you, Brad!

I mean, what kind of criminal
are you, anyway?

Didn't you think maybe
this place could be staked out?

Of course. I waited
till I saw the cop leave.

We work in pairs.
Everybody knows that.

Yeah, well, I guess
I wasn't thinking!

I guess not!

Brad, what are you doing?

Barbara, fate drove us apart
that night seven years ago.

Now fate has brought us
back together again.

Don't you see?

We've been given a chance
to make up

for what we lost that night.

Brad, I don't...

Ten years Barbara, I'm looking
at six to ten years

in prison.

Please, give me memory
to take with me.

Make me feel like I haven't felt
since high school.

When you and I were in love.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

It goes against
a lot of my training.

Yes. West Side animal shelter?

Yes, my dog's run off,

and I'm wondering
if maybe you picked him up.

His name is Dreyfuss.

He's part St. Bernard,
part retriever,

and he does
this cute little thing

with his eyebrows.

Well, they sort of go
up and down.

Well, no, actually.

One goes up
while the other's down,

and then the other...

You'd... you'd really
have to see it.

So he's not there?

No. I've already called
all the other shelters.

I have driven
all over the neighborhood.

Right.

Well, my phone number's
on his collar

if he should turn up.

Thank you.

Dreyfuss!

Dreyfuss!

Thank god!

I was so worried about you.

Where did you find him?

Well, actually,
he sort of found us.

I was walking her in the park,
and he showed up.

I... I think he likes her.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Alan. Alan Braddock.

Carol Weston.

Hi. This is Maggie.

Maggie?

Yeah, I named her
after Margaret Thatcher.

She also takes
a conservative approach

to politics and the economy.

I'm kidding.
She looked like a Maggie.

I mean...

Well, look,

you know, I tried calling
the number on the caller,

but first there was no answer,
then a line was busy.

Well, I was out looking for him,

and... and then I was calling
the shelters, so...

I figured.

I thought I'd
just bring him by, you know.

I'm glad you did.

Yeah, well...

Okay, um...

Okay, I'm going to...

Listen.

How would you feel about
having dinner with me tonight?

I mean, I know
this is last-minute,

but in my defense,
I didn't know you

till about a minute ago.

Yes.

Really? Hey, that's...

Great.

I... I know a wonderful
little restaurant on the beach.

They have these softshell crabs
that are just... a

Wait. I got Maggie.

Well, you can leave her here.

- You don't mind?
- No.

Terrific.

I don't know about you,

but I'm having
a pretty good time already.

I'll see you in a while,
sweetheart.

Be back in a while.

Well, shall we?

Jeez, it's a beautiful moon,
isn't it?

Very.

Wow...

That was so good.

And I was working
with only one hand.

You did good.

You know, I never thought
it could surpass

seven years of fantasies,
but it did.

Brad, there's something
I have to say to you,

and I don't want you
to take it the wrong way.

What?

- Brad...
- Yeah?

You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be
held against you...

Hey, Barbara, Barbara.

You think you could
read me my rights later?

It kind of hurts he mood.

Brad, I wish I could let you go.

I really do, but I can't.

I know.

Okay, let's go.

Barbara.

Yeah?

When I get out,
would you mind if I looked you up?

I'd like that.

- Barbara.
- Yes?

Now, I know
this isn't procedure,

but do you think
we could get 'em

to take a mug shot
of the two of us?

And after being informed
by the warden

that stabbings, rioting,
and rapes

are an everyday
prison occurrence,

the vice president replied,

"people like that
ought to be locked up."

And now turning
to the weather...

My, the time.

Excuse me. May I come in?

Sorry.
I couldn't hear what you said.

You know how it is
with those older doctors.

I deserved that.

Look, I came by here
to apologize.

I was rude and unprofessional,
and I'm really very sorry.

Apology accepted.

Thank you.

I appreciate you being
so decent about this.

I mean, really, I'm not usually
that hot-tempered,

but I had just come
from the parking lot,

where somebody put a big dent
in my car,

and I'm afraid I took
some of my anger out on you.

I don't know.

I think I was
in a strange mood myself.

I was having this silly argument
with my nurse.

About the moon.

And what about it?

Well, she is convinced
that a full moon

somehow brings about romance.

She really believes that?

Yes. Yes, she does.

You would think that somebody
in the medical profession

would be
a little more scientific,

but Laverne...

Laverne has those
that of down-home notions.

Well, it is a very pretty moon.

Yes. Yes, it is.

But of course it's silly
to think the moon

has any special power over you.

But then, I never had
any patience

for those mystical arts,

you know, channeling
and crystals

and that sort of thing.

I'm exactly the same way.

A little devil worship
now and again, maybe.

Otherwise...

Listen, I think I'm about
to kiss you.

I think I'm about to let you.

That's good, because I find
when it's a two-way thing,

it's usually
just so much better...

Yum.

Before this goes any further,
I think I better ask you,

just how serious are you
about this woman in radiology?

I hardly know her.

Well, I heard there was
something going on.

No, no, no, no.
That's that Dr. West.

You have a very bad
hospital grapevine here.

I know. I know.

You haven't eaten?
- No.

I will feed you.

I will take you

to the most wonderful
restaurant.

Morning, Carol.

Good morning, Barbara.

How was your date?

Very nice.

And your stakeout?

Fine.

Good morning.

How was your night, daddy?

Very full.

Well, I just had
one of the worst nights

of my life.

Darlene, my sure thing,
picked last night

of all nights to mend her ways.

She decides, she's
going back to school.

She wants to work with
under-privileged children,

if you can believe that.

This from the woman who once

made it on a high wire

with one of
the flying barzone brothers.

If I ever see another full moon
as long as I live,

it'll be too soon.

They're bad news.