Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 1, Episode 15 - Tears of a Clown - full transcript

Don't touch the phone.

I am waiting for a guy to call.

Is this a real guy,

or are we still hoping
for that miracle wrong number?

Just don't touch the phone.

I have an important phone call
to make.

No, you have been
on the phone all day.

Fine.
You want the phone, Carol?

You can have it.

I'm home. My Dreyfuss, my pal.

Give me the paw, yeah.



- Daddy, can I talk to you?
- I need to talk to him first.

Is this something
I should scold Dreyfuss for?

No. Barbara did it.

Carol started it.

Well, in that case,
bad daughters.

Good dog.

I was expecting a call.

I can use the phone too.
I live here.

Girls, please,
I had a rough day here.

It's been
hospital committee meetings.

It's the flu season,

and Mrs. Lundquist
won't leave me alone

about hiring a new
public relations director.

I thought the hospital
had a P.R. director.



Mr. Hopkins left.

He had a falling out
with urology.

It's a long story.

Anyway, it's been two weeks
since the hospital board

stuck me with the job
of replacing him,

and I still haven't found
anybody yet.

It's taking up all my time.

Daddy, what about me?

The company I work for
does some P.R.

I thought your company
made stain removers.

Well, you've got to promote
that stuff.

I was there when they came up
with "Rose wine away."

I helped with
the press releases.

I even wrote
some of the radio spots.

Remember Elaine,
the talking stain?

That was mine.

Well, we really
don't find much call

for that kind of stuff
at the hospital.

With this hospital job,

I could start building
a career for myself.

Honey,
I don't know about this.

I mean, I wish you had
a little more experience,

and I feel funny about
recommending my own daughter.

Daddy, I appreciate
what you're doing here,

because I think
I can see what it is.

You're trying to make me
a stronger person

by never helping me out.

Come on. I don't do...

All right, no. You're right.

No, let's go for it.

I mean, after 20 years
of Hopkins,

the hospital could use
somebody with a fresh approach.

I'm going to call Mrs. Lundquist

and talk to her about it
right now.

Daddy?

Of course
I may have to climb a pole.

My ship is in.

It's an ancient tradition

that when a sailor
comes home from the sea,

two lovely ladies
lick the salt off.

So now in addition
to all your other faults,

you're high in sodium.

Okay, forget that.

I got bigger fish to fry.
I got a problem.

Can you save it, Charley?

We are waiting
for some important news.

So anyway, this new captain
has taken over the cruise ship,

captain Burke.

He's a strictly by-the-book guy,

and he's cramping my style.

No more fraternizing
with the women passengers,

no more push-up life jackets,

no more
glass-bottomed deck chairs.

All he thinks about
is steering the ship,

steering the ship.

So he's looking
for a new chief purser.

I'm in the running,
but I need a favor.

What kind of favor?

I want to show captain Burke

that I'm a conservative
family man.

I need a lady to pretend to be
my straitlaced fiancee.

So which one of you
wants to do it?

Sorry, I can only take
one of you.

Carol would be best.

She's conservative,
more matronly,

none of that
threatening sexuality.

So what do you say?

I'm sorry.
I didn't hear you.

I was having a lynching fantasy.

Barbara.

Charley,
I don't know about this.

Did I mention there's

a free cruise to Aruba in it
for you?

I've never been on a cruise.

White sands,
crystal blue waters,

bronze native men.

Done.

Charley, what's going on?

Not much,
but your daughter there

is the future
Mrs. Charley Dietz.

Bad daughter.

- Daddy?
- Yes, dear?

- Well...
- Well, what?

Daddy.

You start tomorrow.

I got it!

"And I hope that we can let
bygones be bygones

"and reestablish
a pleasant relationship

"between this office
and urology.

Sincerely, Carol Weston,
director of public relations."

Does that sound
professional enough?

No, I shouldn't ask you that.

I should know. Shouldn't I?

No, don't tell me.
I should know that too.

Sorry. First day jitters.

Carol Weston's office.

One moment, please.

It's the assistant to the mayor.

That's pretty impressive.

Isn't it?

Okay, the mayor's assistant.

What do I say?

Hello.

Hello is a good thing to say.

Hello.

Yes.

Yes, I understand
that the mayor is a busy man,

but it would be helpful
to the hospital

and our many,
many voting employees

to have him attend
the fundraiser next Wednesday.

So the mayor will be there.

Well, that's wonderful.

I look forward to meeting him.

Yes. Bye.

Whee!

Daddy.

Whoa.

Not a bad start.

On the job only two hours,

you've got the mayor coming
to a hospital function.

Daddy, I am so excited
about this job.

I am going to change the image
of this hospital,

humanize it, give it heart.

As it is now,
when people think of this place,

they think,
"this is where I go to die."

Yeah, well, we tried that
as our motto,

but it never really stuck.

Ms. Weston,
channel 8 just called

to say they'll be covering
Poko the clown's visit today.

Channel 8 is coming?

Daddy, I called them as
a long shot, but they're coming.

I mean, this is such a coup.

This is wonderful,
and it's for Poko the clown.

Yes, we're having him dedicate
the new children's wing.

My kids love Poko the clown.

"Hey, I've got a raccoon
in my pants."

I beg your pardon?

No, that's Poko's famous line.

Then he goes into
the raccoon in my pants dance.

I don't know
how I could have missed that.

It must not have been
in his bio.

Ms. Weston, Mrs. Lundquist
is here to see you.

Send her in, Ann,

and would you pull
that clown file for me again?

Hi, Harry.

Carol, here's the publicity
budget for the next fiscal year.

I thought maybe
you should see it.

Thank you.

And, Mrs. Lundquist,

channel 8 will be covering
Poko's visit here today.

I'm very impressed.

Carol, you're doing
a terrific job.

I'll see you later.

Did you hear that, daddy?

She's impressed.

Yoo!

All right,
let's get this baby going.

Now, isn't this just perfect?

Hello, Laverne.

I've been looking all over
this damn hospital for you.

I just dropped by to say hello.

We got work to do.

I checked
all your usual hideouts:

The candy machine, your car,

the men's room.

By the way, Dr. Ford got himself
a nice new pair of shoes.

Now let's get
our stories straight

about what we did last weekend.

You were making peach cobbler

while I was helping
some amish people raise a barn.

Charley, I'm starting to have
second thoughts about this.

You can't back out now.
This is very important to me.

Barbara, a man reaches
a certain age,

and he naturally reevaluates
his life.

The truth is, I'm not
that satisfied with my career.

Seems like every time
a promotion comes along,

it goes to someone smarter,
more qualified, more skilled.

Poor Charley.

If I'm going to get anywhere
on this ship,

I'm going to have to revert
to the old standby:

Brownnosing.

Now, remember, tonight...
Conservative.

No cleavage.

And could you "Patty Duke up"
your hair a little?

But I can feel it.

You've got to trust me
on this one.

I know you swallowed a seed,
but I promise you,

there is no watermelon
growing in your tummy.

Come, I promise.

Go on.

Don't forget. Hey, hey, here.

Daddy, Laverne, quick,
turn on the TV.

My Poko story's on the news.

Isn't she something?

Wait till you see this.

I was nothing short
of wonderful.

And who better to dedicate
the new children's wing...

- Look.
- There you are, next to Poko.

TV kiddy show Poko the clown.

It's always nice to see
the little boys and girls.

Hey, everybody, what's this?

I've got a raccoon in my pants.

Ha-ha.

It is so wonderful
to have Poko

here with the kids today,

because Poko more than anyone
understands this hospital.

Poko is family,

our most generous donor,

our most loyal patient.

Every time Poko is here,

even during
his most acute depressions,

he still finds time and strength
to come down from psychiatric

and bring joy
to each child's bedside.

A cheery face, a caring heart,

a troubled soul...

That is the magic of our Poko.

The story of one hospital
and one man's struggle.

The tears of a clown.

For channel 8, I'm Pat Maloney.

Tears of a clown.
I wrote that for him.

Daddy,
I am so proud of myself.

I have shown that this hospital

is more than just
brick and mortar.

It's people reaching out
to those in need.

Well, I've got to run.

I want to see if I can get
this story picked up

on the wire services.

I think she took one too many
swivels in that chair.

Harry!

I know. I know. I know.
I saw it.

Harry, I've been on the phone
for the last hour

trying to keep channel 8
from airing that interview.

Look, Carol was just trying
to show the human side

of the hospital.

Well, Poko's attorney called.

They're suing for defamation
of character.

Well, no, I mean, come on.
You know lawyers.

They blow everything
out of proportion.

Poko's a nut! Poko's a nut!

Your daughter's
little P.R. stunt

could end up costing us
as much as the new wing.

I want her out of here.

Why? Why?

She made one little mistake.

She has been doing
a sensational job.

And, I mean, she's only been
here a few hours.

Thank god.

Think what she could do
in a full day.

All right.

Well, please, do me a favor
and break it to her gently.

Me? No.

You.

You hired her. You fire her.

Good thing we didn't bother
memorizing Carol's extension.

Excuse me.
Hello, Mr. Poko?

Yeah?

My name is Dr. Harry Weston.

I was...

I think you met
my daughter Carol

this morning at the hospital.

Well, I came by
because I wanted you to know

just how terrible we both feel
about what happened.

Your daughter killed
a 15-year career in two minutes.

I'm not really good at hiding
my emotions, Dr. Weston.

You are looking at
a very hostile man.

Um, look, Poko.

I am so sorry.

I am sorry, sir.

Look, I realize
this is not the best time

to ask you for a favor,

but, I mean, I know
how you must be feeling.

I doubt that.

I doubt that you know the joy

of conducting
an orchestra of seals

or sharing a Volkswagen
with 28 other men.

Poko, they fired Carol.

Actually, I have to fire her.

Do you know how hard
that's going to be for me,

and for her?

You know, I can see just by
looking at your face

that you're a very sensitive,
reasonable man,

and, I mean,
for my daughter's sake,

would you please consider
dropping the lawsuit?

If you do, maybe I can,
you know, get her job back.

What kind of fool
do you take me for?

Well, maybe if you understood

what Carol
was trying to do, Poko.

She was trying so hard
to humanize the hospital.

Humanize?

I'll tell you something
about humanity.

I was giving a performance
this afternoon

at the shopping mall
just after news came out,

and every one of those kids
there had seen the interview.

I could tell.

I open with a seltzer gag,

I segued into the unicycle,

and then I took a pie
in the face.

And you know what those children
were doing?

No.

They were laughing at me.

Yeah, well, I mean,
you know how cruel kids can be.

If kids think I'm crazy,
I'm ruined.

Let me put it this way,

when I put a stick of dynamite
in my mouth,

if they think I'm really trying
to kill myself,

it hurts the joke.

I know, but, Poko, this will
all blow over in a couple weeks,

and, I mean, you'll be fine,

but my daughter
will still be out of a job.

I have nothing more
to say to you.

I'm sorry.

Your daughter has crushed
my self-esteem.

She has stripped me
of my dignity.

Hey, boys and girls.

What's this?

I've got a raccoon in my pants.

- Hi, baby.
- Daddy, come in.

My mind is still buzzing.

It's been two hours
since the interview,

and I still haven't come down.

I think I can help you
with that.

Carol, um...

You revealed things about Poko
that he didn't want known,

and he has now slapped
the hospital with

a multimillion-dollar lawsuit

and Mrs. Lundquist
wants you out.

I'm fired?

But I thought I was doing
such a good job.

Well, you were, baby.
You were doing a great job.

Except for that little slip
that led to this pesky

multimillion-dollar lawsuit.

I can't believe this.

I just started today.

I mean, a few minutes ago,
I was buzzing.

I was dictating.
I was swiveling.

I know, baby. I'm so sorry.

I mean, you made
a little mistake,

a mistake of enthusiasm.

I know how hard you tried.

Thank you, daddy.

Honey, if there's anything
you need...

Just a little time alone.

Sure.

Well, I'm real proud of you.

Ready for captain Burke?

Ready for captain Burke.

Pop quiz: What do you say
if he compliments your dress?

This old thing?

What do you say
if you accidentally swear?

Oops. Pardon my French.

There he is.

Places, everybody.

Captain Burke,
thanks for coming.

My pleasure, Charles.

This is my fiancee, babs.

Pleased to meet you,
captain Burke.

My pleasure.

You look lovely.

This old thing.

Just a simplicity pattern.

Nice touch.

You're a lucky dog, Charles.

She's a good choice.

I'll get some refreshments;

some lemonade
and apple brown Betty

should hit the spot.

Sweetheart?

You know, I'm surprised

Charles spends as much time
at sea as he does,

with a lovely young lady
like you waiting for him.

Why, thank you, captain.

Yes.

Tell me, do you swing?

Charley, could you
come in here, please?

What's going on here, lamb chop?

Captain Burke tried
to navigate his way

under this old thing.

My dumpling must be joking.

Tell him.

I swing! I swing!

I'm sorry. I apologize.

My behavior was inexcusable.

Hey, hey, hey. Forget it.

Charley!

Hey, compadre,
let's go to my place

and talk about
that chief purser situation.

Good idea.

I got to level with you, sir.

I figured all you ever thought
about was steering the ship.

Wrong.

All I ever think about is women.

Captain, my captain.

Hi, daddy.

Yeah, hi.

What's the matter?

I had to fire Carol today.

Today? She just started today.

Well, I'll fill you in later.

Suffice it to say, there is
an angry clown, a lawsuit,

and a homeless raccoon.

Um, hello, Dr. Weston.

I hope you don't mind
my dropping by like this.

I'm sorry. Do I know you?

Poko. Please, come in.

This is my other daughter.
That's Barbara.

Nice to meet you.

I don't usually look like this.

Neither do I.

Anyway, after my behavior
this afternoon,

I wanted to come by personally

and tell you that I'm dropping
the lawsuit.

You're dropping the lawsuit.

I just can't believe
how my fans rallied around me

after that interview,

and the station manager
was so excited

that he renewed my contract.

And best of all,
there's talk of a book deal.

Great. An autobiography?

No, it's a comic book.
Poko man.

I'll have the power of flight,

and I'll be able to lift buses
and things.

So, well, you can say

that Carol actually helped
your career.

Don't push it.

Anyway, tell Carol
that I dropped by, all right?

Well, I got to run.

I finally got a date
with the woman

who plays the wedge of cheese
on our show.

I'm going to call Mrs. Lundquist

and get your sister's job back.

Hi, Barbara.

Am I seeing things,

or did someone
just drive away in a shoe?

That was Poko.

He came over to say
he's dropping the lawsuit,

and daddy's on the phone
right now with Mrs. Lundquist,

trying to get your job back.

You're kidding.

I can't believe you got fired
on the first day.

So you've racked up, what, about
15 minutes of vacation time?

Barbara, I am not embarrassed
about what happened.

I mean, it's not like
I compromised

our national security.

I irritated a clown,
for god's sake.

Hi, sweetheart.

How are you doing? Welcome home.

Daddy?

Yes, dear?

Well...

Well, what?

Daddy, did Mrs. Lundquist
give me back my job?

No, dear, I'm sorry.

She is still very mad at you.

Well, that's not
very mature of her.

I'm glad I put that banana
in her tailpipe.

So, baby, what are you
going to do now?

Well, tomorrow
I'm going to go out

and start looking
for a new P.R. job.

I mean, okay, maybe
I screwed up on this one,

but at least now I know
what it is I want to do.

That was one hell
of a four hours.

If you think that was fun,

wait till you try working
past lunch.

You're looking at
the new chief purser.

The captain said
the job is mine...

If you just sort of sleep
with him on the trip to Aruba.

And I said, "no way.

No job is worth it."

I can't get a break.

Good daddy.