Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 1, Episode 14 - Empty Nest - full transcript
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It's here!
It's here!
The paper covered
our demonstration yesterday.
Carol, how terrific.
Eric said if we demonstrated
in front of the hotel
where the San Rojos ambassador
was speaking, we'd get press.
He was right...
- Look.
- The heat beat the Knicks.
Muppets on Ice is in town.
No, no, no, look.
Here... here it is.
Look there. There.
There she is. There you are.
That's me holding
the "Freedom fighters: Yes,
Colonel Mendozzi: No" sign.
It feels so good to fight
for something you believe in.
Get off it, Carol.
If it weren't for Eric,
you wouldn't even be out there.
Barbara, your sister's out there
because she cares about
what's going on in the world,
and I, for one,
am very proud of her.
Daddy, she's horny for this guy.
Carol, tell her, please.
Barbara,
take a look at that butt.
You left me hanging here, Carol.
I have to admit,
the man has one great butt.
What do you think, daddy?
Now, you can't tell
from that picture with this...
Leave me out of this discussion.
I've got to get ready.
Eric will be here in a minute.
We're picketing
the San Rojos consulate today.
I really don't like
the idea of Carol
running around with
troublemakers like that.
It's dangerous.
Daddy. I got to go.
We're busting a crack house.
That's good news.
Hey, Charley.
Yeah, sure.
Barbara, I need a favor.
I'm applying for one of those
personalized license plates,
and I need one
that's going to make women
want to follow me home.
So?
Okay, picture this:
You're driving on the highway,
you see me
in a car
with a license plate that says,
"sex god."
What do you do?
Become an atheist.
Okay, forget that.
What about these?
"Hunk number one,"
"hot guy,"
"Mr. Sizzle."
Charley, the only person
who would respond to those
is a girl with a license plate
that reads "moron."
Interested. You know her?
Whoa, something wicked
this way comes.
Well, look
what the cat dragged in
and hawked up.
Like you have a cat.
- Eric, hi.
- Hi, how are you?
This is my father,
Dr. Harry Weston.
- Pleasure.
- How do you do?
And my sister, Barbara the cop.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Well, Eric, we've heard
a lot about you.
All true, I see.
Why don't you have a seat?
Would you like some coffee?
There's a little breakfast.
No, I'm fine, thanks.
So, Eric, what exactly do you
have planned for Carol today?
My dear little sister is
afraid I'll be dodging bullets
and storming
government buildings.
No, no, no.
Actually, we're pretty harmless.
Just some people who care,
picketing and passing out
informational material.
Well, have fun.
But keep it moving,
and don't block traffic.
So, Eric, Carol tells me
you're something of a cause man.
I don't go looking for fights,
Dr. Weston,
but when I was down in San Rojos
and saw the oppression
down there,
I had to get involved.
He was arrested and
interrogated by their military.
I really admire that.
You know, I was kind of sorry
that I missed out
on the whole protest movement
of the '60s, you know?
I know this probably
sounds silly,
but I've always regretted
that I was never tear-gassed.
Don't be.
I've been through it.
You want the experience?
Just dunk your head in a bucket
of vinegar and open your eyes.
On second thought,
maybe it was the love-in thing
I regretted missing, you know?
Good morning, Laverne.
That's still up for grabs.
Jeffrey millstein's
in your office.
He says it's just some guy talk.
I didn't pry any further.
Good morning, Jeffrey.
Always nice to see you.
And what can I do for you today?
I've been wrestling
with a major disturbance
of the psyche lately.
Well, isn't that what your
therapist, Dr. Philips, is for?
He fed me
the usual psychobabble.
Something about
a precocious midlife crisis.
Once again, he completely
ignored the obvious.
And what is the obvious?
Dr. Weston, I need a woman.
Aha.
A woman. A woman?
Preferably one in her 30s.
What's wrong with girls
your own age?
Girls my age are okay, I guess,
but they just don't make
my pants dance.
Jeffrey, you're too young
for dancing pants.
Dr. Weston, there's
an emptiness in my life
that only a woman can fill.
So I'll tell you what I'll do.
I will make an appointment
with Dr. Philips
for you and your dad,
and you can discuss
your problem, okay?
Okay.
But you will understand
if I begin my search
for the ideal woman
in the meantime?
- If you must.
- Okay.
Well, Dr. Weston,
wish me luck on my honey hunt.
Bye, Dr. Weston.
- Bye, Jeffrey.
Good-bye, nurse Todd.
Bye-bye, sweetheart.
Carol, I really appreciate
you staying here so late.
You must be exhausted.
Everybody else left hours ago.
No problem. I like the cause.
And I like the man
behind the cause.
Not to mention,
the behind behind the man
behind the cause.
I really enjoyed meeting
your dad this morning.
Yeah? Well, he liked you too.
You know, in his own way,
daddy really is into causes.
You know that he will not write
a prescription
on paper
that hasn't been recycled?
Middle-class guilt.
Without it, we'd be lost.
You have such a terrific way
of looking at everything.
Well, you got to keep
your faith in mankind, you know?
I mean, there's just
too much beauty around
worth fighting for.
That man in San Rojos
who only wants to give his kids
their piece of the future,
the endangered snow leopard
with both the blessing and
the curse of his beautiful pelt,
those incredible brown eyes
of yours...
They could make me forget
all about that man in San Rojos
and that cat.
Good morning, daddy.
Morning, total stranger.
I haven't seen you in two weeks.
I know.
We've been working hard.
I've been up since the crack
of dawn distributing leaflets.
Daddy, when Eric gets here,
tell him I'll be down
in a minute, okay?
Hold it, hon.
Hi. Rose.
Hi.
I just stopped by
to return these.
They were on the windshield of
every car in the neighborhood.
It took me most of the morning,
but I think I got them all.
I saw your address on the bottom
and I figured
you'd want them back.
Rose, these are leaflets.
They're supposed to be
on the windshields.
Of course.
Why?
So people can read them.
Well, how are you
supposed to read them
going back and forth like that?
Although maybe
on the slower speed,
they might be easier to read.
But, no, that would still
distract you from your driving.
Maybe intermittent speed.
No, Rose. Rose, Rose, Rose.
Dear, I thank you very much
for returning these.
It saves me the time of having
to do it all by myself.
Although, you know,
if you shut off the key
in the middle of a wipe,
it might hold it still.
But of course
then your car would stop
and you'd be stuck
in the middle of traffic.
Boy, this is a puzzler.
I'll have to get back to it.
I thought I got them all.
You can just put them
right over there on the table.
Thank you. Bye.
Bye-bye, Rose.
Carol, Eric's here.
Excuse me, listen. I got to run.
Listen.
Do me a favor, would you?
Picket my house for a while.
I never get to see
my daughter anymore.
- Eric.
- Hi. How are you?
Carol, sit down. We got to talk.
I knew it.
Things have been going too well
these past two weeks.
You're leaving me, aren't you?
- No.
- Thank god.
Well, yes.
Did I do something wrong
between answers?
Carol, I got a flight out
tomorrow to San Rojos.
You are leaving.
I told you, I'm not the kind
of guy who can stand idly by.
I've got to go down there
and see what I can do.
But what about us and the work
we've been doing?
Well, I'll do whatever I can
down there
and you stay here and keep
the home effigies burning.
All right?
Look, I got to update
my passport.
I'll swing by tonight
with the files,
and we can talk, okay?
I guess.
Baby, I'm sorry. I got to go.
I'm sorry too.
Good morning, Laverne
Jeffrey's done it again.
Another love sonnet.
Yeah.
But this one's not quite up
to the level of the others.
"My Bologna has a first name,
it's L-a-v-e-r-n-e."
Need I go further?
No, no.
I'm already misting up here.
Daddy, can we talk?
It's important.
Sure, baby. Yeah, yeah.
Excuse us, Laverne. Come here.
So what's the matter, baby?
Eric's leaving.
I just found out.
He's flying to San Rojos
tomorrow.
Honey. I'm sorry.
I know things
were getting serious.
The reason I'm here is
I need a couple of things.
Sure, dear. What?
Cholera vaccination.
Malaria medication.
What is all this?
It's for immigration.
I'm going to San Rojos
with Eric.
San Rojos?
Well, then, let me say this
in Spanish
so you really understand me:
No.
You're going to San Rojos?
You're going to South America?
This is crazy.
Carol, you've only known
this man a few weeks.
But I love him,
and it's important
what we're doing together.
What, this
killing your father thing?
Daddy, there's a plane leaving
for San Rojos tomorrow,
and I'm going to be on it.
I just want you
to be happy for me.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
Then I'll just have to settle
for the shots.
I can't do that either.
Will you at least validate
my parking?
See you later, Carol.
No, you won't.
I'm off to the jungles
of San Rojos.
All righty.
Hello, Jeffrey.
Hello, nurse Todd.
I brought you apple blossoms,
the Arkansas state flower.
Well, now, that is sweet.
I'll put these in some water.
I stopped by because I had
a dream about you last night.
Actually, it was
about a dinosaur,
but my therapist said
it represented you.
It was wearing white stockings
and everything.
Jeffrey, shouldn't you be
in school right now?
What is school when my
starched white goddess beckons?
I beg your pardon?
I think it's time
our relationship moved on
to a new level, nurse Todd.
Say, dinner tonight
at Andre's, 8:00-ish?
Jeffrey, no-ish.
Clearly I haven't sent
nearly enough sonnets.
Did you know I play the lute?
Jeffrey, maybe we better
have that dinner.
We need to talk.
Good. Tonight at 8:00.
I'm in southern-fried love.
Laverne, is it just me,
or has the whole world
gone insane?
Hello, Mr. Millstein.
It's Laverne Todd,
at Dr. Weston's office.
I'm calling about my date
with your son Jeffrey tonight.
I'll take that for a yes.
Thank you, Laverne.
Barbara, my personalized license
plate just came in the mail.
That's great, Charley.
What did you finally decide on?
I picked the word
that described me best:
Lover.
Then I combined it with my work
and got "sea lover,"
but that was too many letters.
So I just used the letter "c"
for "s-e-a"
and got "'c' lover."
And get this: The "c"
can also stand for Charley.
God, there are so many levels.
Ta-da.
Clover.
What?
It says "clover."
No, it doesn't.
It says "'c' lover."
You're the only one
that's going to think that.
Clover. I don't get it.
What's the matter, Carol?
Daddy wouldn't give me shots.
Have you tried
the Humane Society?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
You look lovely,
and it's such a relief.
I had concerns maybe I was only
attracted to the uniform.
- Your menu.
- Not necessary, thank you.
The lady will have
the Chateaubriand Bouquetiere
with chanterelle mushrooms.
And I'll have the Captain Jacques
happy face burger.
Very good, sir.
Sorry about that fake I.D.
incident at the bar.
Jeffrey, I guess your daddy
told you I called him
to make sure he approved of
our having dinner like this.
I know.
That's so old-fashioned.
You never disappoint me, Vernie.
Anyway, I've been thinking
about us, Jeffrey,
and it seems to me...
Did you just call me "Vernie"?
Don't ever do that again.
Anyway, I've been thinking,
and it seems to me that we
are just unfortunate victims
of bad timing.
You know, if I had been born
just a blink of an eye later
and you had been born
just a twitch earlier,
why, then, this whole thing
would be magic.
But as it is, I just feel like
everybody's staring at us.
Nurse Todd,
are you saying it's over?
I'm sorry, Jeffrey.
Phooey!
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm just grateful
I didn't move ahead
with the "Born to love Vernie"
tattoo.
Carol.
Daddy, please don't start again.
Carol, I dropped by
the San Rojos consulate
and picked up
a little information.
You crossed the picket line?
I had to.
By the way, someone named
Rainbow says hello.
Daddy, my mind is made up.
"San Rojos' annual average
temperature: 103 degrees."
- Daddy.
- No, wait.
"Average rainfall: 95 inches."
That's taller than you are.
Daddy.
No, Carol, it says here
they have a four to one
snake to human ratio.
Keep in mind, dear,
this is put out
by their tourist bureau.
What happened
to the man who said,
"deep inside I was always sorry
"that I missed the whole protest
movement in the '60s,
and I've always regretted
I was never tear-gassed"?
When did you
start listening to me?
You never listened to me before.
All of a sudden,
you're my stenographer.
Daddy, I want to be with him.
I believe in
the same things he does,
and I think that together
we can make a difference.
I wouldn't consider giving up
everything I have here
and all the people I care about
if I didn't think
this was important.
Well, at least
stay out of the sun.
You know how you burn.
- Thank you, daddy.
- Yeah.
That must be your Eric.
I can't wait to see
the look on his face
when I tell him
I'm going with him.
You haven't told him yet?
I wanted to keep it
for a surprise.
Him, you surprise;
me you hit with it
three, four times a day.
Thank you very much.
I'll be upstairs.
I'll leave you alone here.
- Eric, hi.
- Hi.
Well, here's the stuff.
I really wish
you were going with me.
- I am.
- You're what?
I am. I am going with you.
I've had the shots.
I got my passport today.
Don't even ask to see the photo.
Carol, you're not going with me.
Eric, if it's my safety
that you're worried about,
I'm ready to face that with you.
I wish it were that simple.
- Look, Eric...
- Whoa.
First of all,
it's "look, Robert."
Okay, my fault, I panic.
I forget names.
No, Eric is right.
Carol, my name is
Robert Williams.
Okay, it's not like I've had
anything monogrammed yet.
And I'm not what you think I am.
I work for the FBI.
Carol, the bureau was afraid
that this group
was being infiltrated
by radical elements.
Now we're satisfied
that it's nothing more
than a bunch of kids trying
to make up for being too young
to have been at Woodstock.
So I've been reassigned
to Chicago.
You've been lying to me
all this time.
I had to.
So you were lying
about the tear gas?
About going to San Rojos?
About being interrogated?
About my beautiful eyes?
Carol, believe me.
I wasn't lying about your eyes.
They're incredible.
You know, now that I think
about it,
maybe we shouldn't be meddling
in the problems of San Rojos.
I could learn to like Chicago.
Great.
No. No.
Listen to me, five minutes ago,
I was ready to go
to San Rojos with you.
Now I'm willing to move
to Chicago?
This is very wrong.
Eric, please leave.
It's Robert.
Fine.
Everybody out.
- We had fun.
- Please go.
I heard a door close.
I'm not going.
I really don't want
to get into it.
I'll tell you
all about it later.
Carol.
I'm so sorry things
didn't work out for you.
If that's Eric, tell him
I do not want to talk to him.
I'll take it.
Look.
Good evening, Dr. Weston.
I trust I'm not disturbing you.
No, no, no, no, no.
What brings you here?
Long story.
My date with nurse Todd
went sour.
I took a cab over here.
I was hoping maybe
we could talk.
Sure. Come on in.
Sure we can.
Listen, tell you what,
let me get my car keys,
I'll drive you home, and we'll
have a real guy-to-guy talk.
- Hi, there.
- Hi.
Bad night for you too?
- Love stinks.
- Yeah.
You know, you're pretty smart
for a kid your age.
Thanks.
---
It's here!
It's here!
The paper covered
our demonstration yesterday.
Carol, how terrific.
Eric said if we demonstrated
in front of the hotel
where the San Rojos ambassador
was speaking, we'd get press.
He was right...
- Look.
- The heat beat the Knicks.
Muppets on Ice is in town.
No, no, no, look.
Here... here it is.
Look there. There.
There she is. There you are.
That's me holding
the "Freedom fighters: Yes,
Colonel Mendozzi: No" sign.
It feels so good to fight
for something you believe in.
Get off it, Carol.
If it weren't for Eric,
you wouldn't even be out there.
Barbara, your sister's out there
because she cares about
what's going on in the world,
and I, for one,
am very proud of her.
Daddy, she's horny for this guy.
Carol, tell her, please.
Barbara,
take a look at that butt.
You left me hanging here, Carol.
I have to admit,
the man has one great butt.
What do you think, daddy?
Now, you can't tell
from that picture with this...
Leave me out of this discussion.
I've got to get ready.
Eric will be here in a minute.
We're picketing
the San Rojos consulate today.
I really don't like
the idea of Carol
running around with
troublemakers like that.
It's dangerous.
Daddy. I got to go.
We're busting a crack house.
That's good news.
Hey, Charley.
Yeah, sure.
Barbara, I need a favor.
I'm applying for one of those
personalized license plates,
and I need one
that's going to make women
want to follow me home.
So?
Okay, picture this:
You're driving on the highway,
you see me
in a car
with a license plate that says,
"sex god."
What do you do?
Become an atheist.
Okay, forget that.
What about these?
"Hunk number one,"
"hot guy,"
"Mr. Sizzle."
Charley, the only person
who would respond to those
is a girl with a license plate
that reads "moron."
Interested. You know her?
Whoa, something wicked
this way comes.
Well, look
what the cat dragged in
and hawked up.
Like you have a cat.
- Eric, hi.
- Hi, how are you?
This is my father,
Dr. Harry Weston.
- Pleasure.
- How do you do?
And my sister, Barbara the cop.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Well, Eric, we've heard
a lot about you.
All true, I see.
Why don't you have a seat?
Would you like some coffee?
There's a little breakfast.
No, I'm fine, thanks.
So, Eric, what exactly do you
have planned for Carol today?
My dear little sister is
afraid I'll be dodging bullets
and storming
government buildings.
No, no, no.
Actually, we're pretty harmless.
Just some people who care,
picketing and passing out
informational material.
Well, have fun.
But keep it moving,
and don't block traffic.
So, Eric, Carol tells me
you're something of a cause man.
I don't go looking for fights,
Dr. Weston,
but when I was down in San Rojos
and saw the oppression
down there,
I had to get involved.
He was arrested and
interrogated by their military.
I really admire that.
You know, I was kind of sorry
that I missed out
on the whole protest movement
of the '60s, you know?
I know this probably
sounds silly,
but I've always regretted
that I was never tear-gassed.
Don't be.
I've been through it.
You want the experience?
Just dunk your head in a bucket
of vinegar and open your eyes.
On second thought,
maybe it was the love-in thing
I regretted missing, you know?
Good morning, Laverne.
That's still up for grabs.
Jeffrey millstein's
in your office.
He says it's just some guy talk.
I didn't pry any further.
Good morning, Jeffrey.
Always nice to see you.
And what can I do for you today?
I've been wrestling
with a major disturbance
of the psyche lately.
Well, isn't that what your
therapist, Dr. Philips, is for?
He fed me
the usual psychobabble.
Something about
a precocious midlife crisis.
Once again, he completely
ignored the obvious.
And what is the obvious?
Dr. Weston, I need a woman.
Aha.
A woman. A woman?
Preferably one in her 30s.
What's wrong with girls
your own age?
Girls my age are okay, I guess,
but they just don't make
my pants dance.
Jeffrey, you're too young
for dancing pants.
Dr. Weston, there's
an emptiness in my life
that only a woman can fill.
So I'll tell you what I'll do.
I will make an appointment
with Dr. Philips
for you and your dad,
and you can discuss
your problem, okay?
Okay.
But you will understand
if I begin my search
for the ideal woman
in the meantime?
- If you must.
- Okay.
Well, Dr. Weston,
wish me luck on my honey hunt.
Bye, Dr. Weston.
- Bye, Jeffrey.
Good-bye, nurse Todd.
Bye-bye, sweetheart.
Carol, I really appreciate
you staying here so late.
You must be exhausted.
Everybody else left hours ago.
No problem. I like the cause.
And I like the man
behind the cause.
Not to mention,
the behind behind the man
behind the cause.
I really enjoyed meeting
your dad this morning.
Yeah? Well, he liked you too.
You know, in his own way,
daddy really is into causes.
You know that he will not write
a prescription
on paper
that hasn't been recycled?
Middle-class guilt.
Without it, we'd be lost.
You have such a terrific way
of looking at everything.
Well, you got to keep
your faith in mankind, you know?
I mean, there's just
too much beauty around
worth fighting for.
That man in San Rojos
who only wants to give his kids
their piece of the future,
the endangered snow leopard
with both the blessing and
the curse of his beautiful pelt,
those incredible brown eyes
of yours...
They could make me forget
all about that man in San Rojos
and that cat.
Good morning, daddy.
Morning, total stranger.
I haven't seen you in two weeks.
I know.
We've been working hard.
I've been up since the crack
of dawn distributing leaflets.
Daddy, when Eric gets here,
tell him I'll be down
in a minute, okay?
Hold it, hon.
Hi. Rose.
Hi.
I just stopped by
to return these.
They were on the windshield of
every car in the neighborhood.
It took me most of the morning,
but I think I got them all.
I saw your address on the bottom
and I figured
you'd want them back.
Rose, these are leaflets.
They're supposed to be
on the windshields.
Of course.
Why?
So people can read them.
Well, how are you
supposed to read them
going back and forth like that?
Although maybe
on the slower speed,
they might be easier to read.
But, no, that would still
distract you from your driving.
Maybe intermittent speed.
No, Rose. Rose, Rose, Rose.
Dear, I thank you very much
for returning these.
It saves me the time of having
to do it all by myself.
Although, you know,
if you shut off the key
in the middle of a wipe,
it might hold it still.
But of course
then your car would stop
and you'd be stuck
in the middle of traffic.
Boy, this is a puzzler.
I'll have to get back to it.
I thought I got them all.
You can just put them
right over there on the table.
Thank you. Bye.
Bye-bye, Rose.
Carol, Eric's here.
Excuse me, listen. I got to run.
Listen.
Do me a favor, would you?
Picket my house for a while.
I never get to see
my daughter anymore.
- Eric.
- Hi. How are you?
Carol, sit down. We got to talk.
I knew it.
Things have been going too well
these past two weeks.
You're leaving me, aren't you?
- No.
- Thank god.
Well, yes.
Did I do something wrong
between answers?
Carol, I got a flight out
tomorrow to San Rojos.
You are leaving.
I told you, I'm not the kind
of guy who can stand idly by.
I've got to go down there
and see what I can do.
But what about us and the work
we've been doing?
Well, I'll do whatever I can
down there
and you stay here and keep
the home effigies burning.
All right?
Look, I got to update
my passport.
I'll swing by tonight
with the files,
and we can talk, okay?
I guess.
Baby, I'm sorry. I got to go.
I'm sorry too.
Good morning, Laverne
Jeffrey's done it again.
Another love sonnet.
Yeah.
But this one's not quite up
to the level of the others.
"My Bologna has a first name,
it's L-a-v-e-r-n-e."
Need I go further?
No, no.
I'm already misting up here.
Daddy, can we talk?
It's important.
Sure, baby. Yeah, yeah.
Excuse us, Laverne. Come here.
So what's the matter, baby?
Eric's leaving.
I just found out.
He's flying to San Rojos
tomorrow.
Honey. I'm sorry.
I know things
were getting serious.
The reason I'm here is
I need a couple of things.
Sure, dear. What?
Cholera vaccination.
Malaria medication.
What is all this?
It's for immigration.
I'm going to San Rojos
with Eric.
San Rojos?
Well, then, let me say this
in Spanish
so you really understand me:
No.
You're going to San Rojos?
You're going to South America?
This is crazy.
Carol, you've only known
this man a few weeks.
But I love him,
and it's important
what we're doing together.
What, this
killing your father thing?
Daddy, there's a plane leaving
for San Rojos tomorrow,
and I'm going to be on it.
I just want you
to be happy for me.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
Then I'll just have to settle
for the shots.
I can't do that either.
Will you at least validate
my parking?
See you later, Carol.
No, you won't.
I'm off to the jungles
of San Rojos.
All righty.
Hello, Jeffrey.
Hello, nurse Todd.
I brought you apple blossoms,
the Arkansas state flower.
Well, now, that is sweet.
I'll put these in some water.
I stopped by because I had
a dream about you last night.
Actually, it was
about a dinosaur,
but my therapist said
it represented you.
It was wearing white stockings
and everything.
Jeffrey, shouldn't you be
in school right now?
What is school when my
starched white goddess beckons?
I beg your pardon?
I think it's time
our relationship moved on
to a new level, nurse Todd.
Say, dinner tonight
at Andre's, 8:00-ish?
Jeffrey, no-ish.
Clearly I haven't sent
nearly enough sonnets.
Did you know I play the lute?
Jeffrey, maybe we better
have that dinner.
We need to talk.
Good. Tonight at 8:00.
I'm in southern-fried love.
Laverne, is it just me,
or has the whole world
gone insane?
Hello, Mr. Millstein.
It's Laverne Todd,
at Dr. Weston's office.
I'm calling about my date
with your son Jeffrey tonight.
I'll take that for a yes.
Thank you, Laverne.
Barbara, my personalized license
plate just came in the mail.
That's great, Charley.
What did you finally decide on?
I picked the word
that described me best:
Lover.
Then I combined it with my work
and got "sea lover,"
but that was too many letters.
So I just used the letter "c"
for "s-e-a"
and got "'c' lover."
And get this: The "c"
can also stand for Charley.
God, there are so many levels.
Ta-da.
Clover.
What?
It says "clover."
No, it doesn't.
It says "'c' lover."
You're the only one
that's going to think that.
Clover. I don't get it.
What's the matter, Carol?
Daddy wouldn't give me shots.
Have you tried
the Humane Society?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
You look lovely,
and it's such a relief.
I had concerns maybe I was only
attracted to the uniform.
- Your menu.
- Not necessary, thank you.
The lady will have
the Chateaubriand Bouquetiere
with chanterelle mushrooms.
And I'll have the Captain Jacques
happy face burger.
Very good, sir.
Sorry about that fake I.D.
incident at the bar.
Jeffrey, I guess your daddy
told you I called him
to make sure he approved of
our having dinner like this.
I know.
That's so old-fashioned.
You never disappoint me, Vernie.
Anyway, I've been thinking
about us, Jeffrey,
and it seems to me...
Did you just call me "Vernie"?
Don't ever do that again.
Anyway, I've been thinking,
and it seems to me that we
are just unfortunate victims
of bad timing.
You know, if I had been born
just a blink of an eye later
and you had been born
just a twitch earlier,
why, then, this whole thing
would be magic.
But as it is, I just feel like
everybody's staring at us.
Nurse Todd,
are you saying it's over?
I'm sorry, Jeffrey.
Phooey!
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm just grateful
I didn't move ahead
with the "Born to love Vernie"
tattoo.
Carol.
Daddy, please don't start again.
Carol, I dropped by
the San Rojos consulate
and picked up
a little information.
You crossed the picket line?
I had to.
By the way, someone named
Rainbow says hello.
Daddy, my mind is made up.
"San Rojos' annual average
temperature: 103 degrees."
- Daddy.
- No, wait.
"Average rainfall: 95 inches."
That's taller than you are.
Daddy.
No, Carol, it says here
they have a four to one
snake to human ratio.
Keep in mind, dear,
this is put out
by their tourist bureau.
What happened
to the man who said,
"deep inside I was always sorry
"that I missed the whole protest
movement in the '60s,
and I've always regretted
I was never tear-gassed"?
When did you
start listening to me?
You never listened to me before.
All of a sudden,
you're my stenographer.
Daddy, I want to be with him.
I believe in
the same things he does,
and I think that together
we can make a difference.
I wouldn't consider giving up
everything I have here
and all the people I care about
if I didn't think
this was important.
Well, at least
stay out of the sun.
You know how you burn.
- Thank you, daddy.
- Yeah.
That must be your Eric.
I can't wait to see
the look on his face
when I tell him
I'm going with him.
You haven't told him yet?
I wanted to keep it
for a surprise.
Him, you surprise;
me you hit with it
three, four times a day.
Thank you very much.
I'll be upstairs.
I'll leave you alone here.
- Eric, hi.
- Hi.
Well, here's the stuff.
I really wish
you were going with me.
- I am.
- You're what?
I am. I am going with you.
I've had the shots.
I got my passport today.
Don't even ask to see the photo.
Carol, you're not going with me.
Eric, if it's my safety
that you're worried about,
I'm ready to face that with you.
I wish it were that simple.
- Look, Eric...
- Whoa.
First of all,
it's "look, Robert."
Okay, my fault, I panic.
I forget names.
No, Eric is right.
Carol, my name is
Robert Williams.
Okay, it's not like I've had
anything monogrammed yet.
And I'm not what you think I am.
I work for the FBI.
Carol, the bureau was afraid
that this group
was being infiltrated
by radical elements.
Now we're satisfied
that it's nothing more
than a bunch of kids trying
to make up for being too young
to have been at Woodstock.
So I've been reassigned
to Chicago.
You've been lying to me
all this time.
I had to.
So you were lying
about the tear gas?
About going to San Rojos?
About being interrogated?
About my beautiful eyes?
Carol, believe me.
I wasn't lying about your eyes.
They're incredible.
You know, now that I think
about it,
maybe we shouldn't be meddling
in the problems of San Rojos.
I could learn to like Chicago.
Great.
No. No.
Listen to me, five minutes ago,
I was ready to go
to San Rojos with you.
Now I'm willing to move
to Chicago?
This is very wrong.
Eric, please leave.
It's Robert.
Fine.
Everybody out.
- We had fun.
- Please go.
I heard a door close.
I'm not going.
I really don't want
to get into it.
I'll tell you
all about it later.
Carol.
I'm so sorry things
didn't work out for you.
If that's Eric, tell him
I do not want to talk to him.
I'll take it.
Look.
Good evening, Dr. Weston.
I trust I'm not disturbing you.
No, no, no, no, no.
What brings you here?
Long story.
My date with nurse Todd
went sour.
I took a cab over here.
I was hoping maybe
we could talk.
Sure. Come on in.
Sure we can.
Listen, tell you what,
let me get my car keys,
I'll drive you home, and we'll
have a real guy-to-guy talk.
- Hi, there.
- Hi.
Bad night for you too?
- Love stinks.
- Yeah.
You know, you're pretty smart
for a kid your age.
Thanks.