Empty Nest (1988–1995): Season 1, Episode 13 - Empty Nest - full transcript

And the beauty of it is,

you can turn it over
and do it again.

We don't need
any more toys, Stan.

Okay, okay,
you don't like this one.

I don't blame you.
I don't like it myself.

But this, this I like.

This I love.

Your huggable apache warrior.

This is hot.

The kids...
The kids can fight with him.

Why, you...



Or do a rain dance.

Hay-a-ma-ma, ay-ya-la-ya

or if they're into
the Indian rights thing,

they can just be
damn proud of him.

You...

Good-bye, Stan.

Unless you want me
to bury your heart

at wounded knee.

Okay.

I'll see you next month.

In the meantime,
it wouldn't hurt

if you watched
Death of a Salesman.

What a depressing place this is.

Everybody around here is sick.



- Another bad date last night?
- Yeah.

- She liked you?
- Yeah.

- You didn't like her?
- Yeah.

Now, you'll find somebody.

It'll happen all of a sudden
where you least expect it,

like a bat in your blouse.

Harry?

Harry, Harry,
I have to see you, please.

All right, Jenny,
just take it easy.

Hi, Alec. Hi, how are you?

All right,
just take a deep breath

and tell me what's wrong.

Well, you see,

Alec has developed
this little problem.

He has this fear of... um

well, balloons.

Balloons?

You mean he's afraid
of balloons when they go pop?

No, Harry, they don't have
to be doing anything,

just floating.

And he's just so scared
to death of them.

He hides behind my leg.

I mean, I don't know what to do.

There are gang fights
and drug addicts out there,

and I live in terror
the circus will come to town.

Just don't worry about it,
all right?

Now, listen, Alec,
your old pal Harry

is gonna take care
of your balloon problem, okay?

Okay.

Good, good.

Now, listen,
I have a good friend down.

He's a child psychologist.

His name is James Philips.

He's right down the hall.

He's a lovely man.

And he's gonna take care of you.
Come on.

And Laverne will call over

and tell him
that you're on the way.

Thank you, Harry.
I'm so grateful.

It's my pleasure, dear.

Come on, Alec.

Bye-bye, Alec, dear. See ya.

Alec...

Al...

You gonna walk him over?

I'm thinking about it.

It's all right, dear.
Don't worry about it.

All right, here we go.
Here we go.

Back to headquarters.
There you go.

Liz, is Jimmy with anybody?

- No, Harry.
- Thank you, dear.

But he's not...

But still I'm called buttercup

poor little buttercup

sweet little buttercup

Hi.

Um... you're not Dr. Philips.

And you're not Beverly Sills.

I'm, really...

I am so silly... solly...
Sorry, sorry.

That's okay.

If I hear Gilbert and Sullivan,

I get a little crazy,

because they're, like,
my favorite.

- Mine too.
- Really?

Did you know the two of them

never really got along?

Yes, I did know that.

Bud I have absolutely no idea
who you are.

Hi, I'm Dr. Harry Weston.

Pleased to meet you.

I'm Dr. Diane Hardy.

I'm filling in for Dr. Philips.

He spoke very highly of you.

Of course, he never
heard you sing, I'm sure.

Dr. Hardy...

well, Dr. Hardy,
I have a little patient.

His name is Alec.

And it seems
that he has developed

a kind of phobia for balloons.

And you'd like me
to see him as a patient?

I'd be glad to do that.

That's great.

I appreciate that very much.

Is there anything else?

Um...

Yeah I was wondering...

Well, I just... I was thinking
that maybe...

See, if you...

I would like to see you.

I don't see anyone over 12.

No, no, no, no.

No, I mean...

I mean I would like
to see more of you,

unprofessionally, I mean.

Out of uniform, so to speak.

Not entirely.

That's... that's... not...
Not what I meant.

You are asking me for a date.

Yes, I'm sorry.

No, don't be. I'd like that.

Really? That's terrific.

When?

I don't know.
Thursday, 8:00, dinner?

Dinner... I love dinner.

Something else
we have in common.

You want to ease up
on the starch?

At some point,
daddy's gonna want to bend.

You're giving homemaker tips?

You, whose idea
of a spring cleaning

is rotating boyfriends?

Girls! Girls!

I can't find my lucky shirt!

Where's my lucky shirt?

I'm ironing it!

Well, forget it.

I don't need it.

I don't have a suit.

I can't go without a suit.

I'm steaming the wrinkles
out of it, daddy.

Would you listen to him?

He's acting like this is
his first date.

He's been going out
with this lady for two weeks.

He likes Dr. Hardy a lot.

You know,
no matter how hard I try,

I do too.

I don't know.
There's something odd about her.

I always pictured daddy
with someone more...

I don't know, cozy.

Okay, here we go.

What?

I like her,
so you have to hate her.

You cannot stand, not once,
to agree with me, can you?

That's ridiculous.
I just don't like her.

She's a top psychologist...

Intelligent, cultured,
beautiful.

What is it you don't like
about her, Barbara?

Her clutch purse?

I don't know.
It's just something.

Well, this is perfect.

I've ruined my hair.

Here, put this on.

Your hair looks great.

No, it doesn't.
Look at this, watch.

It doesn't move.

It's that dumb men's hair spray.

I don't know I buy these things.

I got the hair of Gibraltar.

God forbid the woman wants

to run her fingers
through my hair.

She'll break a nail.

I'm talking too much, right?

No, it's okay.

No, you can tell me.

It's...

It's just that I...

I want to say so much to you.

You know how some things
seem unimportant

until you find the right person
to tell them to?

You know, like, big things,
little things,

like how your day was
and what your dreams are and...

Why you would pick
this restaurant.

Yes... no, well, it's fun.
And I want some fun.

I want to forget
about cholesterol

and forget about calories.

And, my god,
this is making me hungry.

Let's order.
Let's get some food here.

Hi, my name's Tracy,

and this is my first day-ay-ay!

Ordering may be tougher
than you think.

It's okay.

She'll be back,
and I will stop talking.

I promise. I will.

I'm acting like a child,
aren't I?

I am. No.

No, I'm acting
like Ernest Borgnine

in that movie Marty, you know,

where he couldn't stop talking

because he's having
such a wonderful time, you know?

I mean, Ernest Borgnine
is hardly a child,

although I'm sure he once was.

Have you decided?

Yeah, I want to have
double cheeseburgers,

everything on them,

chili fries,
and two chocolate shakes...

No, no, no, he'll have that.

I will have a green salad,
no dressing.

Diane, come on, live a little.

Order some croutons.

Excuse me, would you mind
giving me just a little push?

Sure, here we go.

Let's get back to you.

Ho-ho-ho.

What's the matter?

That girl.

She's coming back
skating towards me

with cheeseburgers
and chili fries

and a chocolate shake.

Come, come, move over.

God, I love Bruce Willis.

Sure, he's tough with
a bazooka stuck in his belt,

but you get him on my ship
in bad weather,

he'd be throwing up
with everybody else.

What an incredible night.

And look, my incredible family.

Daddy, what are you
so happy about?

Well, I had a hamburger,
and I had a chocolate shake,

and I wrapped the sprained ankle
of a waitress,

and I'm in love.

I am in love. I am in love.

Daddy, are you serious?
You're in love with her?

I just realized myself
while I was driving home.

I am in love.

I like the sound of that.

Where's camera?

I want to get a picture
of me in love.

Harry, you're my best buddy.

I got to be honest with you.

Dump her.

What?

Something about Diane
I can't put my finger on.

Charley, I'm happy.

Go home.

Okay, but I know women.

This one is t-r-u-b-e-l.

Daddy, about this whole thing
with you and Diane...

Baby, how dumb can I be?

I'm so sorry.

I know how difficult
this must be for you.

I know how you feel
about me and other women.

No, no, I just want to say
I think she's wonderful.

You do?

Yes.

She likes her.

And Barbara.

Barbara likes everybody,
right, sweetheart?

Heh?

Barbara?

Honey...

I'd like to say I like her.

I would really like to say that,
but I just can't.

I really like her, daddy.

Barbara, sweetheart,

spend a little time with Diane,

and you're gonna have to be
falling love with her too.

Okay, let's get a picture
of Harry Weston in love.

Let me think about Diane
just for a minute here.

I'm telling you, Laverne,

at Toys 'r' Us,
they're mauling each other

to get their hands
on these things.

Hold on, there, Tex.

Aren't you forgetting something?

You see that? He forgot his hat.

Stan, I don't want
to send you away empty-handed.

I'll take a box
of them Lincoln logs.

You got it.

And as a special bonus gift,

a ball-point pen.

A girl wearing a bikini?

Not anymore.

Stan, get out of here.

Hey, doc. Hi, doc.

- Hi.
- Hi, hi.

Thanks for lunch, Harry.

You're welcome.

You realize

that that was
our ninth meal together?

We should celebrate.

Let's go out to dinner.

Hey, did you tell her
about Alec?

Alec? Is there a problem?

Well, as a matter of fact...

Um... Alec's mother called,

and she just seems
a little concerned.

Shouldn't we discuss this
in private?

Yes, yeah, excuse me, dear.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Thank you, dear.

Diane, Alec thinks
you don't like him.

Aww.

He says you
won't let him call you Diane.

That's true.

And that when he got scared,
you wouldn't give him a hug.

Harry, I have to maintain
my professional distance.

I have to remain objective,
detached.

That's how I work.

I'm sorry. No, you're right.

None of my business.

Forgiven.

So what time are we having
dinner tonight?

Our tenth meal will be at 6:30,

and the theater at 8:00.

Okay.

Now, before I go,

let me see that shy smile
that makes me weak in the knees.

No, Harry, not here.

No, we can't do this here.

We can't do this here.

Here, take this.

No one will be suspicious.

Just act real normal.

All right, go ahead.

All right, now, you watch
that skinned knee,

and I want you to stay
on the mat during naptime.

Ha-ha.

She's an amazing woman.

I don't like her.

You don't?

She is tougher
than my mama's meatloaf,

and my mama's meatloaf
can drive nails.

Laverne, you don't understand.

That's not the way she is.

That's just her way
of treating patients.

What is it with everybody?

She's a terrific lady.

I don't like her.

Laverne, to save you

from some rather
painful embarrassment,

let me point out to you

that you're talking
about the woman I love.

And tonight after the theater,

I'm gonna drive to the beach,
and I'm gonna tell her so.

I don't like her.

Yeah.

Too dark.

It's too light.

It's too dark.

I wonder if God
had this problem.

Of course, he had six days
to work it all out.

I don't unders...

All right, perfect.

Coming!

Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

It's awfully dark in here.

Yeah, well, I didn't have
six days to figure it out.

What?

No, no, no, you're right.

It's dark. I will turn them up.

Dreyfuss!

Dreyfuss, what are you doing?

I'm sorry.

He's usually very friendly
with strangers.

If you had broken in,
he'd be licking your face.

Go on, get.

That's a beautiful table, Harry.

Thank you.

Dr. Hardy, dear,
may I have this dance?

I thought you'd never ask.

You know, I could do this
all night.

Well, so could I.

But we should probably eat
so we can get to the theater.

All right,
just another twirl or two.

Well, we better get there
on time

or parking will be a mess.

Wait a minute,
I thought I was leading.

Hold on. I have a great idea.

Let's forget the theater.

Harry, we can't forget
the theater.

Why not?

We have tickets.

Forget the tickets.

Harry, you're being
very irresponsible.

I know. Isn't it wonderful?

I haven't felt like this
in 30 years.

Yes.

Come on, listen.
I have an even better idea.

What?

Let's skip dinner,
skip the theater,

and go right to the beach.

I have this rather
major revelation

I would like to share with you.

You want to go to the beach...
At night.

Yeah. Isn't that romantic?

Well, Harry, it's...
It's very creative.

Maybe if we plan for it sometime

and we don't have tickets
for something, yeah?

No, Diane, this moment
may never come along again.

And if tickets are a problem,

I can take care of that for you.

There you go.

Gone.

Harry...

What did you do?

I made the world go away.

No, you didn't.

You made it very difficult
for us to get into the theater.

Diane, Diane, come over here.
Trust me on this.

I know what I'm talking about.

Is that the top half of a four?

Diane...

Harry, we're supposed
to be eating now

so we can get
to the theater on time.

We had a plan.

You don't just suddenly
change a plan

with no reason at all.

Of course you do, Diane.

That's what romance
is all about.

Not for sensible people.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Something's very wrong here.

Harry...

Let's just talk about this later

when you're not so upset.

No, no, just wait a minute.

You see, I have developed
these feelings for you,

and instead of having
a joyous celebration,

I'm having some dumb fight

over these unimportant,
stupid theater tickets.

Well, maybe if you'd just
calm down.

Calm down?
I don't want to calm down.

Why don't you get angry?

I just tore up your tickets.

Get a little steamed.

I am steamed.

That's your best steamed?

You think this is steamed?

Hi, guys.

I will show you steamed.

Charley,
get the hell out of here!

Okay.

Harry, I don't know what it is
you want from me.

Diane, I want you to laugh

when I tear up theater tickets
on a whim.

I want you to be happy

when I take you to a diner
with skating waitresses.

And to tell you the truth,

I want you to let your patients
call you by your first name,

and if they're scared,
give them a little hug.

I'm sorry.

I...

I can't be
what you want me to be.

Listen, let's just forget it,
please.

Um...

Make my knees weak again,

I can't.

Dreyfuss...

Life was a lot simpler
when we were young,

wasn't it?

Do you remember that?

We had a bad day,
we chewed a little shoe,

we felt better.

Remember? No more.

Hey, pal.

Daddy, what are you doing here?

Why aren't you at the theater?

The evening did not go well.

What went wrong?

Too much light.

But Diane's so terrific, daddy.

What happened?

Dear, I don't know.

I found out that I...

I was in love with somebody
I didn't really like.

We got into an argument.

At least I did.

She didn't get involved.

I wanted to pull my heart out.

She wanted a good parking space.

I knew it.

I knew there was something
wrong with her.

Yeah, that's true. You knew.

So did Laverne.

Laverne knew?

Yeah, Charley.

Charley?

Even Dreyfuss knew.

Dreyfuss knew?

Yeah, I think I knew too.

I just didn't want to admit it.

You know, when you're in love,

you just want to see
the good stuff.

Dreyfuss knew?

Daddy, don't be too hard
on yourself.

It happens to all of us.

I thought Diane was great.

I have the worst instincts
on the planet.

Everybody knew, but me.

The damn dog knew.

I'm sorry.

This must be very hard for you.

I don't know, dear.

I guess it hurt a little

but I found out something
very important.

I found out
I could fall in love again.

I can lift the garage door
and I can fall in love again,

and that feels very good.

That's my date.

I met him last weekend.

You're going to love him.

He is a wonderful,
wonderful guy.

Hi, Carol.

I'm sorry, Jeff. It's over.

Aren't you proud of me?

Well, not really, dear.

You were standing
on Dreyfuss' tail.

Jeff!