Eerie, Indiana (1991–1992): Season 1, Episode 15 - No Brain, No Pain - full transcript
Marshall and Simon witness a homeless man being attacked by a woman with a ray gun and decide to help him out. But things get really weird when they turn on the strange contraption the man was making.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
MARSHALL:
Simon and I had
decided to make a
rare appearance
with the family,
stuffing ourselves at
the Dragon of the Black
Pool Chinese Restaurant.
It's a place where the
egg rolls aren't too shabby
and the fortune cookies
are the kind you can
only find in Eerie.
Mine says,
"You will live
to tell the tale."
I don't get mine.
"You will see the world
through eyes of many."
MARSHALL:
Dad's fortune was
not only weird,
it came true.
"Oh, your immediate future
will be interrupted by
a mysterious stranger."
Oh, how exciting.
[MARILYN SCREAMS]
CHAPPY: There's not enough
money in the world
for my medulla oblongata.
They want my brain and that
is not part of the bargain.
[CHAPPY MUMBLES]
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Yes, I'm fine.
It's just a crazy old
what's his name.
No harm done.
MARSHALL:
Some people in Eerie said
this guy was insane.
But nobody had ever
bothered to find out
who he really was,
or how to help him.
Ed Meese wants my
Sharona but no soap!
The poor man.
Shouldn't we...
Don't even think about it, Mom.
That guy is the
mad whacker.
SIMON:
Syndi's right.
They call him the Whacker
because he used an
axe to kill his victims.
Now, come on.
I've heard rumors that he was
Eerie's last living liberal.
What's a liberal?
I'll explain it to you
when you're older.
Well, I don't care if he is
a liberal or an axe murderer,
I want you two boys to
stay clear of him, understood?
Yes, Mom.
My Sharona!
My Sharona!
My Sharona!
Come on, Marshall.
[MARSHALL SHUSHES]
Does he look like an
axe murderer to you?
Well, he's
shorter than most.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[GASPS AND SHOCKED]
What the...
You're not getting away
this time, baby.
Junior Police, halt!
What did you say,
little boy?
[FIRE ESCAPE CLANGING]
Hey,
don't you boys' know it's
not nice to tease a
poor, defenseless woman?
Wow.
Boy, somebody's
in a bad mood.
[SIRENS WAILING]
I'll be back.
I didn't know that there
was a Mrs. Terminator.
Is he alive?
MARSHALL:
We gotta help him.
Look, just forget the junior
do-gooder routine, all right?
Just, do like I do.
Ask yourself one
simple question.
What's in it for me?
Why don't you try
asking yourself
what if that was
you lying there and
you needed help.
I like my question better.
Look, he's all yours.
Me and sirens
don't get along.
MARSHALL:
Maybe he was right.
But anytime I see a guy get
roughed up by a lady with
a mega volt zapper thing,
I gotta find out
what's going on.
Help me.
MARSHALL:
It was risky.
But Simon and I decided to
keep the poor guy safe
until we could figure out
the old who, what and why.
It made sense to not get the
rest of the family involved.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come on Marshall,
what are you?
Some sort of
freak of nature?
Let me in.
Um... Uh...
Go away,
I'm shaving,
and it's my first time
and I need to concentrate.
Congratulations, son.
If you nick yourself,
just put a little piece of
toilet paper on the cut.
Yeah, thanks for
the tip, Dad.
[EXPRESSING MUTELY]
My Sharona!
My Sharona!
My Sharona!
My Sharona!
[BOTH SHUSH]
Give him a screwdriver.
It seems to
chill him down.
I almost got the knack
to take my cortex
for Sharona!
Oh.
Maybe Sharona is his
wife or sister.
Yeah, maybe.
Oh, gross.
Yeah, we don't have
much to go on.
No money,
no ID.
Poor guy's got nothing,
except one
handsome haircut.
And his shopping cart.
MARSHALL: Chappy didn't
seem like the kind of guy that
someone would want to kidnap.
But then again, he didn't
seem like an axe murderer
or a liberal either.
[DANFORTH SOBBING]
Oh, woe is me.
Oh, please, please,
can you help me
find this man?
He's my long lost brother.
He may be pushing a
shopping cart by now.
GUY: Hmm... No.
No? Very well,
all right.
Democrats.
This is the weirdest
town I've ever hit.
[DASH WHISTLES]
[SPUTTERS AND SOBS]
Oh, please.
Oh, please,
have you seen this man?
He's my long lost relative.
Cool the theatrics, Mom.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the
little boy
with the premature grey hair.
So,
where is he?
Who?
You'll have to
excuse me.
I have a very poor
short term memory.
This refresh
your memory?
It's all coming back to me.
I'll bring Mr. Crazy
right to you.
5 o' clock.
The old mill
down at Highway 48.
You bring some more
dead presidents with you.
We're a lot alike,
Tinsel Top.
You're gonna go
far in this world.
I swear I did not make
sticky buns with Carol.
TV: But, did you bake...
What a liar!
MARSHALL:
The streets weren't safe
for our newly scrubbed pal.
At least not with a
ninja grandma out there.
Fortunately,
babysitting was
one of the few things
Syndi was qualified for.
Uh, Syndi.
What?
This is Simon's
uncle Morris from
Latvia.
Uh, nice to meet you.
He doesn't
speak any English.
Oh.
The electron
modulator is finished!
Excuse me?
He speaks a
little English.
You know,
electron modulator.
That kinda thing.
Synd,
do you mind if he watches
Todd and Donna with you?
Uh... I guess not.
Come on,
Uncle Morris.
Sit right here.
We'll be right back.
When are you gonna
give me some time, Sharona?
Ya, that's right,
Uncle Morris.
We'll be right back.
MARSHALL:
We didn't have
much to go on.
Just the word Sharona that he
kept repeating over and over.
My hunch was
that you could tell a lot
about a guy by what he
kept in his shopping cart.
Good old Uncle Morris.
MARSHALL:
Sure, there was
a lot of junk.
But there's also about
a dozen gadgets and
crazy inventions.
What's that thing?
I think it's an antique
thing called an 8-Track.
Knack.
Didn't Chappy say
he had the knack?
Simon, look.
There's a song
on here, My Sharona.
Boy, I've heard of
people getting a song
stuck in their head,
but Chappy's got it bad.
That's Toddski and
that's Donnaski.
They take your
brain, too?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Don't you put down
Dr. Gladiator's big man's
retreat like that.
TV: It was a beautiful thing.
Hi.
I don't mean to
disturb you.
It's just that Simon might
have forgot to mention that
Uncle Morris needs
his medicine.
No problem.
We were just watching
Todd and Donna.
Ah, Todd and Donn yeah.
Poor Donna.
She will never learn.
Uncle Moe!
Long time, no see.
My, how he
loves to tinker.
It's finished.
Well, at least we know
he's not a liberal.
You know,
I bet he's a nice old guy
who wants his stuff back.
BOTH: Syndi!
Syndi!
Syndi!
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
SIMON:
Call 911.
We're too late.
You're alive.
Is everything okay?
It's fine.
Why wouldn't it be?
TV: Strong and proud.
Where's Uncle Morris?
He left here
with your cousin.
That grey haired guy.
What the heck is going on?
Oh, I bet the
answers aren't here.
To the secret spot.
[DOOR CREAKING]
You did it.
Charles?
Charles?
Charles?
Are you in there Charles?
Donna's a fool.
Todd's a liar.
And I'm leaving.
[BANGS DOOR]
You know, if you
don't mind me asking,
what is it about this
Mad Whacker that is
worth this much money?
Mad Whacker?
This is no Mad Whacker.
This is Charles Furnell,
the smartest man
in the world.
CHARLES: Oh... my...
My hair hurts.
Yeow.
Charles Furnell
was the youngest man
ever to calculate
Pi without scratch paper.
He was brilliant.
And very, very sexy.
In 1978,
he invented the
most powerful and
and valuable invention
since the atom bomb,
The Brainalyzer.
It could turn any
ordinary man
into a genius.
And any genius into... This.
I had the world
at my fingertips.
Everything was set.
Then, one day,
I returned from lunch,
the Brainalyzer
is destroyed,
the blueprints are gone,
and Charles
is like this.
My only hope
is that he has
enough brain cells left
to build it again.
Wait a minute.
Maybe he already has.
MARSHALL:
It was weird.
We didn't have Uncle Moe or
The Whacker or whoever he was.
But we had all his stuff.
And what amazing stuff it was.
[WHIRRING]
Even more amazing,
somehow it
all fit together.
This do-hickey
must go into this
thing-a-ma-bob.
Yeah.
And I bet this
goes in here.
MARSHALL: Hey, I wonder
what this does.
Simon.
Uncanny.
An obvious symbiotic
trans-neuro conversion.
I knew it.
Simon?
Are you all right?
Who's Simon?
My name is
Charles Furnell.
And I'd like a cigarette.
MARSHALL:
Thanks to The Brainalyzer,
my nine year old buddy
Simon now had an
Einsteinian intellect
and a pretty snobby
personality to boot.
An attenuator rotor
made from an ordinary
distributor cap.
How ingenious of me.
Wait... Wait a sec.
You are telling me that
you are the smartest
man in the world?
Yes. Yes, I am.
Okay then,
what's 43 times 106?
4,452.
You're a genius, Simon.
And because of
said genius,
your friend Simon
is actually on
this audio tape.
Once again,
I am Charles Furnell.
So Simon, I mean, Charles,
when do I get Simon back?
I am not abandoning
this boy's body.
And unless you can
assist me in locating
my rightful body,
I will gladly go through
puberty again.
Yeah, but that could...
I have been on that
tape for over a decade,
and I have a
lot of work to do.
By the way,
who's the President now?
George Bush.
Dan Quayle is the
Vice President.
This is worse
than I imagined.
I suggest we
pack up this gear
and find the real me
as soon as possible.
He made gadgets.
They were nothing more
than keepsakes really.
It would make
Charles so happy if
he could get them back.
EDGAR:
Oh, I assure you,
if they boys know anything,
they will tell you.
Oh, good.
Boys!
[WHISPERS]
Don't forget you're nine.
This is Miss. Danforth.
Hi.
That's my son Marshall.
He's shaving now.
And this is Simon
Holmes, Marshall's friend.
Can you say hi, Simon?
Oh, I suppose I could.
As the late philosopher
Walker Percy said,
"Why is it you
can meet someone
"and in ten seconds,
"know more about them
"then they will
ever know themselves?"
Hello, Sugar-buns.
I mean, Miss Danforth.
Miss Danforth is that bum's
I mean, Mr. Furnell's sister.
She's come to Eerie to
care for her brother.
Care for him!
Using acrobatic
massage techniques
to swindle a
Nobel Prize Winner
out of his life's work?
That's her idea of caring!
Sorry.
Simon's not himself.
Well, I hope you
find him, Miss.
Simon...
Chappy...
Sappy, wait up.
That's the most dangerous
woman on the planet.
What're you trying...
You can't do...
What're you doing?
Hey.
Simon, you can't do this.
[ENGINE STARTING]
You can do this.
Who is that lady anyway?
That's no lady.
That's my wife.
MARSHALL:
If there was a buck to be made
by kidnapping Charles Furnell,
the grey haired kid was
sure to be in on it.
Even though we weren't friends,
it still bugged me that
all he cared about was money.
Careful.
The guy with the
hair is kind of
whacko.
Don't worry.
[MAKING KUNG FU SOUNDS]
I know Tae Kwon Do.
These hands are
registered weapons.
Look, it's you.
Look at me.
I'm flabbergasted.
Remind me to join
a gymnasium when
all this is over.
Quick, the Brainalyzer.
[BLITHERING]
Right, now let me see
if I got this straight.
I download your
brain onto this tape,
then I put the
headset on him,
then I switch to upload,
and then hit the power.
Isn't that obvious? Hurry.
Download.
Oh, yeah,
all right.
Did it work?
Bravo. I'm a genius again
We did it. It worked.
All right,
what's 824 square?
Oh, it's elementary. 678,976
Close enough.
Now lets' get
Simon back.
Wait, where's the tape
with Simon's brain on it?
It was right here.
You mean, right here,
quiz kids.
What're you
trying to prove?
We'll let Grandma
Schwarzenegger decide that.
In the mean time,
one false move and
Simon here becomes
Vice Presidential.
Please, young man.
You are making a
grave miscalculation.
You must do
what is right.
What is right?
What is right?
Oh, come on. She told
me the whole story.
How you couldn't
handle the pressure,
how you went nuts.
What?
I invented the Brainalyzer
for the good of humanity.
To preserve intelligence
for coming generations.
And then that
great woman sold us out.
She negotiated a multi million
dollar deal with Ed Meese
to steal the 1980 election,
by pumping in MacGvyer's
brain into Ronald Reagan,
quadrupling his IQ.
So when I found that out,
for the good of my country,
there was only one thing
that I could possibly do,
and that was
scramble my own brain.
Destroying the
Brainalyzer technology
until now.
Why, Eunice.
Shut up, Babycakes.
Not bad, tinsel top.
Here's your Christmas bonus.
Thanks.
Now, make yourself scarce
while I get back
what's rightfully mine.
Just like that
you're selling us out.
Unless you've got
a better offer.
I didn't think so.
See you in the next life.
MARSHALL:
I guess when you're
all alone in this world,
it makes it tough to do
anything but think
about yourself.
Meanwhile, things weren't
weren't looking so hot
for Simon and me.
CHARLES: Darling?
Here, sweet pea.
Darling, don't do this.
No brains,
no wittinesses.
The boys at the Committee to
Re-Elect taught me that one.
Bye-bye.
CHARLES: No!
[GROANING]
Get back, you pigs.
Brainalyzer's mine.
Eunice?
Charles.
Marshall?
Simon?
Please, Eunice.
Don't make the
same mistakes again.
I loved you once.
I never loved you.
You're a dreamer and a fool.
I got it.
Counting that money
just didn't feel right.
Way to go.
You shut up lady.
I've heard enough from you.
Wait. You're making
a big mistake.
It's me, Marshall.
It's him you want.
Huh?
Don't listen to him, kid.
He's her.
Nail her.
There's 1,000 bucks
in it for you.
Wait a minute.
The real Marshall Teller
doesn't have
a 1,000 bucks.
Oops.
MARSHALL:
You can't underestimate anyone.
The guy everybody else
thought was a bum
turned out to be the
smartest man in the world.
What's going on around here?
MARSHALL:
And that homeless kid showed
that he had a heart after all.
Still, it wouldn't be over
till we reunited everyone
with their proper brain,
a process that took a while.
It's you.
So why'd you come back?
Well, I...
I just did like you said.
I asked myself what
if that was me
that needed help.
[SIGHS]
I must be coming down
with something.
"You will see the world
through eyes of many."
It came true.
MARSHALL:
A few days later,
I got a package from Chappy.
He said he destroyed the
Brainalyzer once and for all.
And that he and Sugar-buns
were moving to the country
to try and work things out.
Oh, yeah.
Chappy also thanked me
for stopping to help him out.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
MARSHALL:
Simon and I had
decided to make a
rare appearance
with the family,
stuffing ourselves at
the Dragon of the Black
Pool Chinese Restaurant.
It's a place where the
egg rolls aren't too shabby
and the fortune cookies
are the kind you can
only find in Eerie.
Mine says,
"You will live
to tell the tale."
I don't get mine.
"You will see the world
through eyes of many."
MARSHALL:
Dad's fortune was
not only weird,
it came true.
"Oh, your immediate future
will be interrupted by
a mysterious stranger."
Oh, how exciting.
[MARILYN SCREAMS]
CHAPPY: There's not enough
money in the world
for my medulla oblongata.
They want my brain and that
is not part of the bargain.
[CHAPPY MUMBLES]
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Yes, I'm fine.
It's just a crazy old
what's his name.
No harm done.
MARSHALL:
Some people in Eerie said
this guy was insane.
But nobody had ever
bothered to find out
who he really was,
or how to help him.
Ed Meese wants my
Sharona but no soap!
The poor man.
Shouldn't we...
Don't even think about it, Mom.
That guy is the
mad whacker.
SIMON:
Syndi's right.
They call him the Whacker
because he used an
axe to kill his victims.
Now, come on.
I've heard rumors that he was
Eerie's last living liberal.
What's a liberal?
I'll explain it to you
when you're older.
Well, I don't care if he is
a liberal or an axe murderer,
I want you two boys to
stay clear of him, understood?
Yes, Mom.
My Sharona!
My Sharona!
My Sharona!
Come on, Marshall.
[MARSHALL SHUSHES]
Does he look like an
axe murderer to you?
Well, he's
shorter than most.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[GASPS AND SHOCKED]
What the...
You're not getting away
this time, baby.
Junior Police, halt!
What did you say,
little boy?
[FIRE ESCAPE CLANGING]
Hey,
don't you boys' know it's
not nice to tease a
poor, defenseless woman?
Wow.
Boy, somebody's
in a bad mood.
[SIRENS WAILING]
I'll be back.
I didn't know that there
was a Mrs. Terminator.
Is he alive?
MARSHALL:
We gotta help him.
Look, just forget the junior
do-gooder routine, all right?
Just, do like I do.
Ask yourself one
simple question.
What's in it for me?
Why don't you try
asking yourself
what if that was
you lying there and
you needed help.
I like my question better.
Look, he's all yours.
Me and sirens
don't get along.
MARSHALL:
Maybe he was right.
But anytime I see a guy get
roughed up by a lady with
a mega volt zapper thing,
I gotta find out
what's going on.
Help me.
MARSHALL:
It was risky.
But Simon and I decided to
keep the poor guy safe
until we could figure out
the old who, what and why.
It made sense to not get the
rest of the family involved.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come on Marshall,
what are you?
Some sort of
freak of nature?
Let me in.
Um... Uh...
Go away,
I'm shaving,
and it's my first time
and I need to concentrate.
Congratulations, son.
If you nick yourself,
just put a little piece of
toilet paper on the cut.
Yeah, thanks for
the tip, Dad.
[EXPRESSING MUTELY]
My Sharona!
My Sharona!
My Sharona!
My Sharona!
[BOTH SHUSH]
Give him a screwdriver.
It seems to
chill him down.
I almost got the knack
to take my cortex
for Sharona!
Oh.
Maybe Sharona is his
wife or sister.
Yeah, maybe.
Oh, gross.
Yeah, we don't have
much to go on.
No money,
no ID.
Poor guy's got nothing,
except one
handsome haircut.
And his shopping cart.
MARSHALL: Chappy didn't
seem like the kind of guy that
someone would want to kidnap.
But then again, he didn't
seem like an axe murderer
or a liberal either.
[DANFORTH SOBBING]
Oh, woe is me.
Oh, please, please,
can you help me
find this man?
He's my long lost brother.
He may be pushing a
shopping cart by now.
GUY: Hmm... No.
No? Very well,
all right.
Democrats.
This is the weirdest
town I've ever hit.
[DASH WHISTLES]
[SPUTTERS AND SOBS]
Oh, please.
Oh, please,
have you seen this man?
He's my long lost relative.
Cool the theatrics, Mom.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the
little boy
with the premature grey hair.
So,
where is he?
Who?
You'll have to
excuse me.
I have a very poor
short term memory.
This refresh
your memory?
It's all coming back to me.
I'll bring Mr. Crazy
right to you.
5 o' clock.
The old mill
down at Highway 48.
You bring some more
dead presidents with you.
We're a lot alike,
Tinsel Top.
You're gonna go
far in this world.
I swear I did not make
sticky buns with Carol.
TV: But, did you bake...
What a liar!
MARSHALL:
The streets weren't safe
for our newly scrubbed pal.
At least not with a
ninja grandma out there.
Fortunately,
babysitting was
one of the few things
Syndi was qualified for.
Uh, Syndi.
What?
This is Simon's
uncle Morris from
Latvia.
Uh, nice to meet you.
He doesn't
speak any English.
Oh.
The electron
modulator is finished!
Excuse me?
He speaks a
little English.
You know,
electron modulator.
That kinda thing.
Synd,
do you mind if he watches
Todd and Donna with you?
Uh... I guess not.
Come on,
Uncle Morris.
Sit right here.
We'll be right back.
When are you gonna
give me some time, Sharona?
Ya, that's right,
Uncle Morris.
We'll be right back.
MARSHALL:
We didn't have
much to go on.
Just the word Sharona that he
kept repeating over and over.
My hunch was
that you could tell a lot
about a guy by what he
kept in his shopping cart.
Good old Uncle Morris.
MARSHALL:
Sure, there was
a lot of junk.
But there's also about
a dozen gadgets and
crazy inventions.
What's that thing?
I think it's an antique
thing called an 8-Track.
Knack.
Didn't Chappy say
he had the knack?
Simon, look.
There's a song
on here, My Sharona.
Boy, I've heard of
people getting a song
stuck in their head,
but Chappy's got it bad.
That's Toddski and
that's Donnaski.
They take your
brain, too?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Don't you put down
Dr. Gladiator's big man's
retreat like that.
TV: It was a beautiful thing.
Hi.
I don't mean to
disturb you.
It's just that Simon might
have forgot to mention that
Uncle Morris needs
his medicine.
No problem.
We were just watching
Todd and Donna.
Ah, Todd and Donn yeah.
Poor Donna.
She will never learn.
Uncle Moe!
Long time, no see.
My, how he
loves to tinker.
It's finished.
Well, at least we know
he's not a liberal.
You know,
I bet he's a nice old guy
who wants his stuff back.
BOTH: Syndi!
Syndi!
Syndi!
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
SIMON:
Call 911.
We're too late.
You're alive.
Is everything okay?
It's fine.
Why wouldn't it be?
TV: Strong and proud.
Where's Uncle Morris?
He left here
with your cousin.
That grey haired guy.
What the heck is going on?
Oh, I bet the
answers aren't here.
To the secret spot.
[DOOR CREAKING]
You did it.
Charles?
Charles?
Charles?
Are you in there Charles?
Donna's a fool.
Todd's a liar.
And I'm leaving.
[BANGS DOOR]
You know, if you
don't mind me asking,
what is it about this
Mad Whacker that is
worth this much money?
Mad Whacker?
This is no Mad Whacker.
This is Charles Furnell,
the smartest man
in the world.
CHARLES: Oh... my...
My hair hurts.
Yeow.
Charles Furnell
was the youngest man
ever to calculate
Pi without scratch paper.
He was brilliant.
And very, very sexy.
In 1978,
he invented the
most powerful and
and valuable invention
since the atom bomb,
The Brainalyzer.
It could turn any
ordinary man
into a genius.
And any genius into... This.
I had the world
at my fingertips.
Everything was set.
Then, one day,
I returned from lunch,
the Brainalyzer
is destroyed,
the blueprints are gone,
and Charles
is like this.
My only hope
is that he has
enough brain cells left
to build it again.
Wait a minute.
Maybe he already has.
MARSHALL:
It was weird.
We didn't have Uncle Moe or
The Whacker or whoever he was.
But we had all his stuff.
And what amazing stuff it was.
[WHIRRING]
Even more amazing,
somehow it
all fit together.
This do-hickey
must go into this
thing-a-ma-bob.
Yeah.
And I bet this
goes in here.
MARSHALL: Hey, I wonder
what this does.
Simon.
Uncanny.
An obvious symbiotic
trans-neuro conversion.
I knew it.
Simon?
Are you all right?
Who's Simon?
My name is
Charles Furnell.
And I'd like a cigarette.
MARSHALL:
Thanks to The Brainalyzer,
my nine year old buddy
Simon now had an
Einsteinian intellect
and a pretty snobby
personality to boot.
An attenuator rotor
made from an ordinary
distributor cap.
How ingenious of me.
Wait... Wait a sec.
You are telling me that
you are the smartest
man in the world?
Yes. Yes, I am.
Okay then,
what's 43 times 106?
4,452.
You're a genius, Simon.
And because of
said genius,
your friend Simon
is actually on
this audio tape.
Once again,
I am Charles Furnell.
So Simon, I mean, Charles,
when do I get Simon back?
I am not abandoning
this boy's body.
And unless you can
assist me in locating
my rightful body,
I will gladly go through
puberty again.
Yeah, but that could...
I have been on that
tape for over a decade,
and I have a
lot of work to do.
By the way,
who's the President now?
George Bush.
Dan Quayle is the
Vice President.
This is worse
than I imagined.
I suggest we
pack up this gear
and find the real me
as soon as possible.
He made gadgets.
They were nothing more
than keepsakes really.
It would make
Charles so happy if
he could get them back.
EDGAR:
Oh, I assure you,
if they boys know anything,
they will tell you.
Oh, good.
Boys!
[WHISPERS]
Don't forget you're nine.
This is Miss. Danforth.
Hi.
That's my son Marshall.
He's shaving now.
And this is Simon
Holmes, Marshall's friend.
Can you say hi, Simon?
Oh, I suppose I could.
As the late philosopher
Walker Percy said,
"Why is it you
can meet someone
"and in ten seconds,
"know more about them
"then they will
ever know themselves?"
Hello, Sugar-buns.
I mean, Miss Danforth.
Miss Danforth is that bum's
I mean, Mr. Furnell's sister.
She's come to Eerie to
care for her brother.
Care for him!
Using acrobatic
massage techniques
to swindle a
Nobel Prize Winner
out of his life's work?
That's her idea of caring!
Sorry.
Simon's not himself.
Well, I hope you
find him, Miss.
Simon...
Chappy...
Sappy, wait up.
That's the most dangerous
woman on the planet.
What're you trying...
You can't do...
What're you doing?
Hey.
Simon, you can't do this.
[ENGINE STARTING]
You can do this.
Who is that lady anyway?
That's no lady.
That's my wife.
MARSHALL:
If there was a buck to be made
by kidnapping Charles Furnell,
the grey haired kid was
sure to be in on it.
Even though we weren't friends,
it still bugged me that
all he cared about was money.
Careful.
The guy with the
hair is kind of
whacko.
Don't worry.
[MAKING KUNG FU SOUNDS]
I know Tae Kwon Do.
These hands are
registered weapons.
Look, it's you.
Look at me.
I'm flabbergasted.
Remind me to join
a gymnasium when
all this is over.
Quick, the Brainalyzer.
[BLITHERING]
Right, now let me see
if I got this straight.
I download your
brain onto this tape,
then I put the
headset on him,
then I switch to upload,
and then hit the power.
Isn't that obvious? Hurry.
Download.
Oh, yeah,
all right.
Did it work?
Bravo. I'm a genius again
We did it. It worked.
All right,
what's 824 square?
Oh, it's elementary. 678,976
Close enough.
Now lets' get
Simon back.
Wait, where's the tape
with Simon's brain on it?
It was right here.
You mean, right here,
quiz kids.
What're you
trying to prove?
We'll let Grandma
Schwarzenegger decide that.
In the mean time,
one false move and
Simon here becomes
Vice Presidential.
Please, young man.
You are making a
grave miscalculation.
You must do
what is right.
What is right?
What is right?
Oh, come on. She told
me the whole story.
How you couldn't
handle the pressure,
how you went nuts.
What?
I invented the Brainalyzer
for the good of humanity.
To preserve intelligence
for coming generations.
And then that
great woman sold us out.
She negotiated a multi million
dollar deal with Ed Meese
to steal the 1980 election,
by pumping in MacGvyer's
brain into Ronald Reagan,
quadrupling his IQ.
So when I found that out,
for the good of my country,
there was only one thing
that I could possibly do,
and that was
scramble my own brain.
Destroying the
Brainalyzer technology
until now.
Why, Eunice.
Shut up, Babycakes.
Not bad, tinsel top.
Here's your Christmas bonus.
Thanks.
Now, make yourself scarce
while I get back
what's rightfully mine.
Just like that
you're selling us out.
Unless you've got
a better offer.
I didn't think so.
See you in the next life.
MARSHALL:
I guess when you're
all alone in this world,
it makes it tough to do
anything but think
about yourself.
Meanwhile, things weren't
weren't looking so hot
for Simon and me.
CHARLES: Darling?
Here, sweet pea.
Darling, don't do this.
No brains,
no wittinesses.
The boys at the Committee to
Re-Elect taught me that one.
Bye-bye.
CHARLES: No!
[GROANING]
Get back, you pigs.
Brainalyzer's mine.
Eunice?
Charles.
Marshall?
Simon?
Please, Eunice.
Don't make the
same mistakes again.
I loved you once.
I never loved you.
You're a dreamer and a fool.
I got it.
Counting that money
just didn't feel right.
Way to go.
You shut up lady.
I've heard enough from you.
Wait. You're making
a big mistake.
It's me, Marshall.
It's him you want.
Huh?
Don't listen to him, kid.
He's her.
Nail her.
There's 1,000 bucks
in it for you.
Wait a minute.
The real Marshall Teller
doesn't have
a 1,000 bucks.
Oops.
MARSHALL:
You can't underestimate anyone.
The guy everybody else
thought was a bum
turned out to be the
smartest man in the world.
What's going on around here?
MARSHALL:
And that homeless kid showed
that he had a heart after all.
Still, it wouldn't be over
till we reunited everyone
with their proper brain,
a process that took a while.
It's you.
So why'd you come back?
Well, I...
I just did like you said.
I asked myself what
if that was me
that needed help.
[SIGHS]
I must be coming down
with something.
"You will see the world
through eyes of many."
It came true.
MARSHALL:
A few days later,
I got a package from Chappy.
He said he destroyed the
Brainalyzer once and for all.
And that he and Sugar-buns
were moving to the country
to try and work things out.
Oh, yeah.
Chappy also thanked me
for stopping to help him out.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]