Eerie, Indiana (1991–1992): Season 1, Episode 16 - The Loyal Order of Corn - full transcript
When Mr Teller joins Eerie's local lodge, the Loyal Order of Corn, Marshall and Simon decide to investigate. They discover that the Order is building what appears to be a giant TV screen, but Simon steps into it and gets transported to another planet. Meanwhile, the kid with gray hair, now calling himself Dash X, suspects that the lodge's bartender, Ned, may have the answers to some of his questions.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
MARSHALL: Sometimes
it gets tough battling
the forces of Eerie by myself,
even with a little bit
of help from Simon,
but I always thought
I could count on mom and dad
for a dose of normality.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
But then dad joined
The Loyal Order of Corn,
Eerie's version
of the Moose Lodge,
and started spending
all his free time there,
which drove mom crazy.
I'd never even
noticed the place.
Kind of makes me wonder
what else I haven't noticed.
A little order, please.
Come to order.
[MURMURINGS]
Thank you.
I give you...
the Kernel.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
Thank you.
Thank you Seedlings,
Knee-highs,
Third-degree ears
of The Loyal Order of Corn.
[PIANO NOTES PLAYING]
[CAWING]
As usual, we'll begin
with our song,
"Hail to Thee,
O Ears of Splendor."
* Hail to Thee,
O Ears of Splendor
* Joyously we pledge our job
* We declare
Our staunch allegiance
* To protect your kingly cob
* With fidelity
And devotion... *
Uh... excuse me, sir.
Is there, uh...
anything specific
I should be doing?
Simply watch...
and learn.
I can't believe
I'm actually here,
at The Loyal Order of Corn.
Simon, you've lived
in Eerie all your life.
What's the big deal anyway.
It's just a weirdo Lodge.
People say
they run things.
People say you
better do as they say.
Have people noticed
they are a bunch of goons
in stupid hats?
Come on.
[SINGING CONTINUES]
* There sprouts a Hardy
* Sturdy stalk
* The Loyal Order
* Of Corn
[DRAMATIC GONG]
[LOW RUMBLING]
You know what that means,
brother huskers.
Time to enter
the inner sanctum!
Seedling Teller,
are you prepared?
I submit.
Come forward.
Attaboy!
[CAWING]
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
[CAWING]
DASH X: Hey, you punks!
Get out of there.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
MARSHALL: I could only
imagine what kind
of vicious security thugs
The Loyal Order of Corn used.
Well, well, well!
If it isn't
Thelma and Louise!
What're you doing here?
I work here.
Since when?
Since this afternoon.
Boy, only...
six hours on the job
and I've nabbed myself
a couple of intruders.
Boy, is Ned gonna
be happy!
You're not gonna
to turn us in.
Oh, why wouldn't I?
All right,
if I give you
ten bucks,
would you forget
you saw us?
Forget who?
All right,
get out of here.
This is very private
stuff, very hush-hush.
I can't.
My old man's
in there.
So?
Marshall's worried about...
Simon!
Oh, you're breaking
my heart. [SNICKERS]
All right.
Come on. Give me
your best shot, Teller.
What?
[OWL HOOTING]
All right. If I
give you another
five bucks,
would you
let us in?
I didn't...
quite hear you.
All right.
Ten bucks.
You said the magic words.
Now, you guys should
get a job like this.
I'm making
a fortune.
All right. Wait here.
There's a camera
at the front door.
I'll go open
the window.
Have you noticed
ever since we met
this guy,
we're always broke?
Or in trouble.
Come on, hurry up.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Wow! The Loyal
Order of Corn.
SIMON: This is so neat.
MARSHALL: Hey,
check that out.
Simon, do you see
anything funny
about these pictures?
Yeah. Everybody's
wearing the same hat.
No, no, no.
Look closer.
Who's in every picture?
The bartender guy!
Ned.
He's been the same
since at least 19... 15.
Exactly how old is he?
Oh gee, how should I know?
You know something.
[LOUD THUD]
Maybe I do.
[DISTANT VOICES]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
I feel like
such a failure.
Nonsense, my boy.
Patience is one
of the supreme attributes.
You do know
the supreme attributes,
don't you, Seedling Teller?
Ah... patience, fortitude,
persistence, loyalty,
silence, strength,
I'm leaving
one out I know.
Loyalty.
I thought
I said loyalty.
Loyalty is a double
supreme attribute,
Seedling Teller.
Of course.
Loyalty is the corner stone
of The Order of Corn.
Loyalty to fellows,
loyalty to ideas,
loyalty to our
very important work
no matter how
long it takes.
How long has
it taken, Ned?
A very long time.
See? But...
something tells me
we're coming very close
to the finish
of, of, of, of, of...
well, you know.
You really
think so?
The alignment holds
for six more hours.
I think you should
try to complete
your work... tonight.
Yes. Well...
in that case,
Seedling Teller,
let's drop in
on the old
Teller workshop
and pick up that
one missing piece.
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
Are they gone?
No. Shh...
NED: Is there something
wrong here, huh?
No. No, no,
I'm fine.
Remember what I said
about following the rules.
It's very important
especially in
the early going.
Where's that picture?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Picture?
Oh, you mean
this picture.
I was just
cleaning it for you.
Well, you're enthusiastic.
Very good.
The members
will like that.
Ned. Is it time
for recitation?
Yes.
[DOOR SHUTS]
I must attend
to the closing
ceremonies.
But once the members
have gone,
you and I will
have a talk.
You may be getting
a promotion,
sooner than
you think.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
SIMON: Is he gone?
Yeah, come on.
What was all
that stuff about?
Getting a promotion.
I thought you just
started here.
Well, may be Ned sees
my obvious potential.
You're holding
out on us.
Oh, come on.
What are we?
The hole in the wall gang?
I don't have
to tell you anything.
Fine. Just remember,
we're the only other
people who believe
Eerie is weird.
[SIGHS] All right.
DASH X: Come on.
Our friend, Ned, doesn't
know I can do this.
Secret mysteries
of The Loyal
Order of Corn.
I can't look.
[ELECTRIC BUZZING]
Simon, you can open
your eyes now.
Get a load of this.
Looks like one
of those hulky
new age crystal things.
My sister has one
almost that big.
She thinks it will
get her a boyfriend.
The door's got
markings on it.
Just like the ones
on your hands.
What does that mean?
It means that our friend, Ned,
might know more about me than
he's saying.
May be he knows
where you came from.
Or where your
family is.
Maybe Ned knows
what your name is.
That's a lot of maybes.
And until then, I'm gonna use
these for a name.
Plus and minus?
No... no, no. Dash X.
Get it? Dash... X.
Plus. What kind
of name is that?
You guys are a constant
source of embarrassment.
So, Dash X,
what has Ned told you
about The Loyal
Order of Corn?
He didn't tell me
anything. I just...
knew that this stuff
was in here like I'd
seen it before or something.
Something is very weird.
Yeah, we knew that.
And we know where.
But how do we
get in there?
Come on. Let's
take a look.
Hey, check this out.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
How big is this place?
Bigger inside than
it is outside.
You know, my guess
is that this thing goes
right in here.
[ELECTRICAL STATIC]
Cool cable.
What is it?
What does it look like?
Looks like a giant
TV screen, but nobody
makes them this big.
Except The Loyal Order of Corn.
Oh, no.
Maybe they're working
for the Japanese.
Oh, no. Maybe they're working
for a Orville Redenbacher.
MARSHALL: Why so big?
Why all the secrecy?
May be it's some kind
of spy screen.
Hey, here's an idea.
What are the coordinates
for your sister's bedroom?
Oh, be serious.
All right. May be it's
for watching ESPN.
That's funny.
Mars, it's cold.
Simon, don't touch it.
It's all right, really.
MARSHALL: There's
something else.
Let's just change
the channel
and find out.
[ELECTRICAL STATIC]
Mars, help!
Simon!
It wasn't me!
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Help me, Mars!
I'm cold.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
MARSHALL: While penetrating
the inner sanctum
of the Loyal Order of Corn,
my trusted associate,
Simon, somehow got
transmitted to the planet Mars
no thanks to my
untrusted non-associate
who insisted
on being called Dash X!
Simon. Oh, man!
What is this?
Some kind of intergalactic
video zapping portal
kind of thing?
Yeah, but to where?
NED: To everywhere.
What do you think
you are doing?
Do you realize how long
I've been working
on this project?
Yeah. What do you think
you're trying to pull?
I'll go call the cops.
Drop the act.
He couldn't have
gotten here
without your help.
I ought to ship
you both to Neptune.
Ah, no thanks.
Lack of oxygen
is bad for my asthma.
SIMON: Hey. What about me?
You shouldn't have
gone through.
It isn't tuned in yet.
This is unconscionable.
Look. I know
you're upset.
But how do we
get him back?
SIMON: Is anybody out there?
All right.
You might as well know.
SIMON: Marshall?
Hang in there, Simon.
I'll be right back.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, I see someone
who's been doing
some research.
Yeah. Enough to know
you've been running
this Lodge for 80 years,
using those hats to make
people build this...
this portal
that's probably for some
alien invasion.
You're some kind
of advanced scout
for a race to
probably use us humans
for cattle or worse yet...
You're getting hysterical.
NED: Are you just
about finished?
Oh, you're right
about one thing.
I'm not of this earth.
No foolin'?
You're really an alien?
Yes.
But not an alien invader.
More of an
alien explorer.
That's what Cortez said.
So what? You're
like an astronaut?
Without a spacecraft.
Space travel takes
too long to get anywhere.
So our people invented
this tachyon portal.
A door between worlds.
Only our first test flight
didn't work out the way
we expected.
And I was placed
in a place you
call Siberia
in 1908.
And the minute
I walk through
the portal,
it failed.
Big deal. All you had
to do was build
another portal.
I said I was an explorer,
not a mechanic.
And you don't buy
tachyon portals from Sears.
I needed to create
a whole industry.
First, by forming
the Lodge itself.
Then helping a little
thing called radio.
The Loyal Order of Corn
invented radio?
Not exactly.
We encouraged
a couple of kids.
Sarnoff, Armstrong,
and De Forest.
Invested in the early
networks,
and also funded research
into television.
Now that was fun
for a while.
Of course I realized
things were getting
out of hand when
Milton Berle started
wearing dresses.
And now this.
One boy lost
on another world.
The whole project
threatened on the very night
it was ready to work.
What does his old man
have to do with this?
Your father is building
a universal tuner for that
screen in there.
My father?
Our VCR has been
flashing 12 o'clock
ever since we bought it.
Well, looks like your pal,
Simon, is gonna be
in the reruns for a while.
Simon is doomed.
Unless your father
finishes his work,
yes, I'm afraid so.
MARSHALL: So all I had to do
was make sure my dad
finished that universal
tuner gizmo before Simon
froze to death
on the surface of Pluto.
Or before my mom and dad
murderized each other.
First, it was adjusting
to this paternalistic town
where your opinion counts
only if you were a man.
Then, it was this
stupid Lodge.
There you are.
Young man, do you know
what time it is?
Ah... later than
it should be?
Mr. Radford?
Splendid timing, my boy.
Your mother and I were
just discussing
the merits of The Loyal
Order of Corn.
I'm holding you
responsible for this.
I gave him a ride.
Gee. Try to be
a helpful neighbor and...
[CLATTER]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHIRRING]
Dad, is it finished?
Mom!
I have had it with
your... your Loyal
Order of Hooey!
Dad, tell her.
Mr. Radford?
Tell her what?
Tell her what
you're working on.
I'm not sure, but
I think it's a universal
remote control.
It can tune any TV,
VCR or CD player with
just three buttons.
[BEEPS]
Ha-ha! It works!
It works!
[CAWING]
You, uh...
you have a lot
of answers.
Your friend had
a lot of questions.
Yeah, well, I have
some of my own.
Where do I fit
into all of this?
You are my...
assistant.
Possibly, even
my replacement.
So you're saying that
you'd have taken anybody
who answered that
"Help Wanted" sign?
Not just anybody.
No, no, no.
Why me?
I need to know.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[CAWING]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
This is the big
Loyal Order of Corn
project?
Mom, it's for their
secret big screen TV.
Careful, boy!
You're divulging the inner
secrets of The Loyal Order
to a woman.
Fabulous.
Secret tuner,
secret TV.
I think it's time
somebody let me
in on the secrets.
What is it about
you men and these
stupid hats?
Mrs. Teller!
Marilyn, my God!
In front of the Kernel?
Hail to Thee,
O Ears of Splendor.
Seedling Teller.
Come on, there are
shocking to be done.
Honey...
Mom...
The members were
so much easier
to handle
when I came up
with this and the hats
of course.
Oh, of course.
Now, we're running
out of time.
The planets are in
a once in a century
alignment tonight.
If I got through that
portal withing the hour,
I can get home.
If not... I don't know
if I can stand
another century.
Especially since Eerie
is getting wired for cable.
Ned!
Now what?
Now, Ned, I know we have
strict rules about
allowing women...
Yes, yes, but what
about the tuner, what
about the tuner?
It works.
Not a moment
too soon.
SIMON: Marshall!
I think she looks
great in a hat.
Please help.
Simon?
Anybody out there?
It's getting a little
hard to breathe.
Marshall. Dash.
What a great TV.
It seems almost real.
Yes, I suppose it does.
[BEEPS AND STATIC]
Hey! There you are!
[ELECTRICAL STATIC]
Marilyn?
Simon, how're you doing?
Great. If I had my mittens,
I would have been fine.
Now, what happens?
I... go home.
[BEEP]
[ELECTRONIC NOISES]
MARSHALL: Wow.
It looks neat.
You can go with me
if you like.
See other worlds,
other places.
Of all the humans
I've known, you'd
appreciate it the most.
Ah, no thanks.
I've too much
to do here.
What about me?
Aren't you going
to invite me, too?
I guess I'll just
have to invite myself.
What do you think
you're doing?
Look.
All I got in my life
are questions.
Who I am, where I came from.
The answers must be
through that.
You're wrong.
My destiny lies
through that portal.
Not yours.
Even I don't know
the meaning
of the marks.
Or why your hair
is gray?
These symbols go back
to a time long before any of us.
And are as much
a mystery to me
as they are to you.
I don't like
the sound of that.
Keep searching.
What you seek
is right here in Eerie.
The answer
to your questions,
is simpler than
you think
and stranger than
you imagined.
Just tell me
one thing.
Are you my father?
If only it were
as simple as that.
[ELECTRICAL STATIC]
[STATIC]
Pretty weird, huh,
Mr. Radford?
Well, still can't top
the Shuckers Bowlathon
we had back in 1974.
Now, that was weird.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
MARSHALL: The next morning,
mom and dad claimed to have
no memory of the events
at the Lodge.
And Radford changes
the subject whenever
I bring it up.
But that won't stop me,
Simon and our semi-friend
Dash X from digging deeper,
because in Eerie, Indiana,
when you scrape away
the surface weirdness,
what you find
is more weirdness.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
MARSHALL: Sometimes
it gets tough battling
the forces of Eerie by myself,
even with a little bit
of help from Simon,
but I always thought
I could count on mom and dad
for a dose of normality.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
But then dad joined
The Loyal Order of Corn,
Eerie's version
of the Moose Lodge,
and started spending
all his free time there,
which drove mom crazy.
I'd never even
noticed the place.
Kind of makes me wonder
what else I haven't noticed.
A little order, please.
Come to order.
[MURMURINGS]
Thank you.
I give you...
the Kernel.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
Thank you.
Thank you Seedlings,
Knee-highs,
Third-degree ears
of The Loyal Order of Corn.
[PIANO NOTES PLAYING]
[CAWING]
As usual, we'll begin
with our song,
"Hail to Thee,
O Ears of Splendor."
* Hail to Thee,
O Ears of Splendor
* Joyously we pledge our job
* We declare
Our staunch allegiance
* To protect your kingly cob
* With fidelity
And devotion... *
Uh... excuse me, sir.
Is there, uh...
anything specific
I should be doing?
Simply watch...
and learn.
I can't believe
I'm actually here,
at The Loyal Order of Corn.
Simon, you've lived
in Eerie all your life.
What's the big deal anyway.
It's just a weirdo Lodge.
People say
they run things.
People say you
better do as they say.
Have people noticed
they are a bunch of goons
in stupid hats?
Come on.
[SINGING CONTINUES]
* There sprouts a Hardy
* Sturdy stalk
* The Loyal Order
* Of Corn
[DRAMATIC GONG]
[LOW RUMBLING]
You know what that means,
brother huskers.
Time to enter
the inner sanctum!
Seedling Teller,
are you prepared?
I submit.
Come forward.
Attaboy!
[CAWING]
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
[CAWING]
DASH X: Hey, you punks!
Get out of there.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
MARSHALL: I could only
imagine what kind
of vicious security thugs
The Loyal Order of Corn used.
Well, well, well!
If it isn't
Thelma and Louise!
What're you doing here?
I work here.
Since when?
Since this afternoon.
Boy, only...
six hours on the job
and I've nabbed myself
a couple of intruders.
Boy, is Ned gonna
be happy!
You're not gonna
to turn us in.
Oh, why wouldn't I?
All right,
if I give you
ten bucks,
would you forget
you saw us?
Forget who?
All right,
get out of here.
This is very private
stuff, very hush-hush.
I can't.
My old man's
in there.
So?
Marshall's worried about...
Simon!
Oh, you're breaking
my heart. [SNICKERS]
All right.
Come on. Give me
your best shot, Teller.
What?
[OWL HOOTING]
All right. If I
give you another
five bucks,
would you
let us in?
I didn't...
quite hear you.
All right.
Ten bucks.
You said the magic words.
Now, you guys should
get a job like this.
I'm making
a fortune.
All right. Wait here.
There's a camera
at the front door.
I'll go open
the window.
Have you noticed
ever since we met
this guy,
we're always broke?
Or in trouble.
Come on, hurry up.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Wow! The Loyal
Order of Corn.
SIMON: This is so neat.
MARSHALL: Hey,
check that out.
Simon, do you see
anything funny
about these pictures?
Yeah. Everybody's
wearing the same hat.
No, no, no.
Look closer.
Who's in every picture?
The bartender guy!
Ned.
He's been the same
since at least 19... 15.
Exactly how old is he?
Oh gee, how should I know?
You know something.
[LOUD THUD]
Maybe I do.
[DISTANT VOICES]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
I feel like
such a failure.
Nonsense, my boy.
Patience is one
of the supreme attributes.
You do know
the supreme attributes,
don't you, Seedling Teller?
Ah... patience, fortitude,
persistence, loyalty,
silence, strength,
I'm leaving
one out I know.
Loyalty.
I thought
I said loyalty.
Loyalty is a double
supreme attribute,
Seedling Teller.
Of course.
Loyalty is the corner stone
of The Order of Corn.
Loyalty to fellows,
loyalty to ideas,
loyalty to our
very important work
no matter how
long it takes.
How long has
it taken, Ned?
A very long time.
See? But...
something tells me
we're coming very close
to the finish
of, of, of, of, of...
well, you know.
You really
think so?
The alignment holds
for six more hours.
I think you should
try to complete
your work... tonight.
Yes. Well...
in that case,
Seedling Teller,
let's drop in
on the old
Teller workshop
and pick up that
one missing piece.
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
Are they gone?
No. Shh...
NED: Is there something
wrong here, huh?
No. No, no,
I'm fine.
Remember what I said
about following the rules.
It's very important
especially in
the early going.
Where's that picture?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Picture?
Oh, you mean
this picture.
I was just
cleaning it for you.
Well, you're enthusiastic.
Very good.
The members
will like that.
Ned. Is it time
for recitation?
Yes.
[DOOR SHUTS]
I must attend
to the closing
ceremonies.
But once the members
have gone,
you and I will
have a talk.
You may be getting
a promotion,
sooner than
you think.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
SIMON: Is he gone?
Yeah, come on.
What was all
that stuff about?
Getting a promotion.
I thought you just
started here.
Well, may be Ned sees
my obvious potential.
You're holding
out on us.
Oh, come on.
What are we?
The hole in the wall gang?
I don't have
to tell you anything.
Fine. Just remember,
we're the only other
people who believe
Eerie is weird.
[SIGHS] All right.
DASH X: Come on.
Our friend, Ned, doesn't
know I can do this.
Secret mysteries
of The Loyal
Order of Corn.
I can't look.
[ELECTRIC BUZZING]
Simon, you can open
your eyes now.
Get a load of this.
Looks like one
of those hulky
new age crystal things.
My sister has one
almost that big.
She thinks it will
get her a boyfriend.
The door's got
markings on it.
Just like the ones
on your hands.
What does that mean?
It means that our friend, Ned,
might know more about me than
he's saying.
May be he knows
where you came from.
Or where your
family is.
Maybe Ned knows
what your name is.
That's a lot of maybes.
And until then, I'm gonna use
these for a name.
Plus and minus?
No... no, no. Dash X.
Get it? Dash... X.
Plus. What kind
of name is that?
You guys are a constant
source of embarrassment.
So, Dash X,
what has Ned told you
about The Loyal
Order of Corn?
He didn't tell me
anything. I just...
knew that this stuff
was in here like I'd
seen it before or something.
Something is very weird.
Yeah, we knew that.
And we know where.
But how do we
get in there?
Come on. Let's
take a look.
Hey, check this out.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
How big is this place?
Bigger inside than
it is outside.
You know, my guess
is that this thing goes
right in here.
[ELECTRICAL STATIC]
Cool cable.
What is it?
What does it look like?
Looks like a giant
TV screen, but nobody
makes them this big.
Except The Loyal Order of Corn.
Oh, no.
Maybe they're working
for the Japanese.
Oh, no. Maybe they're working
for a Orville Redenbacher.
MARSHALL: Why so big?
Why all the secrecy?
May be it's some kind
of spy screen.
Hey, here's an idea.
What are the coordinates
for your sister's bedroom?
Oh, be serious.
All right. May be it's
for watching ESPN.
That's funny.
Mars, it's cold.
Simon, don't touch it.
It's all right, really.
MARSHALL: There's
something else.
Let's just change
the channel
and find out.
[ELECTRICAL STATIC]
Mars, help!
Simon!
It wasn't me!
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Help me, Mars!
I'm cold.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
MARSHALL: While penetrating
the inner sanctum
of the Loyal Order of Corn,
my trusted associate,
Simon, somehow got
transmitted to the planet Mars
no thanks to my
untrusted non-associate
who insisted
on being called Dash X!
Simon. Oh, man!
What is this?
Some kind of intergalactic
video zapping portal
kind of thing?
Yeah, but to where?
NED: To everywhere.
What do you think
you are doing?
Do you realize how long
I've been working
on this project?
Yeah. What do you think
you're trying to pull?
I'll go call the cops.
Drop the act.
He couldn't have
gotten here
without your help.
I ought to ship
you both to Neptune.
Ah, no thanks.
Lack of oxygen
is bad for my asthma.
SIMON: Hey. What about me?
You shouldn't have
gone through.
It isn't tuned in yet.
This is unconscionable.
Look. I know
you're upset.
But how do we
get him back?
SIMON: Is anybody out there?
All right.
You might as well know.
SIMON: Marshall?
Hang in there, Simon.
I'll be right back.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, I see someone
who's been doing
some research.
Yeah. Enough to know
you've been running
this Lodge for 80 years,
using those hats to make
people build this...
this portal
that's probably for some
alien invasion.
You're some kind
of advanced scout
for a race to
probably use us humans
for cattle or worse yet...
You're getting hysterical.
NED: Are you just
about finished?
Oh, you're right
about one thing.
I'm not of this earth.
No foolin'?
You're really an alien?
Yes.
But not an alien invader.
More of an
alien explorer.
That's what Cortez said.
So what? You're
like an astronaut?
Without a spacecraft.
Space travel takes
too long to get anywhere.
So our people invented
this tachyon portal.
A door between worlds.
Only our first test flight
didn't work out the way
we expected.
And I was placed
in a place you
call Siberia
in 1908.
And the minute
I walk through
the portal,
it failed.
Big deal. All you had
to do was build
another portal.
I said I was an explorer,
not a mechanic.
And you don't buy
tachyon portals from Sears.
I needed to create
a whole industry.
First, by forming
the Lodge itself.
Then helping a little
thing called radio.
The Loyal Order of Corn
invented radio?
Not exactly.
We encouraged
a couple of kids.
Sarnoff, Armstrong,
and De Forest.
Invested in the early
networks,
and also funded research
into television.
Now that was fun
for a while.
Of course I realized
things were getting
out of hand when
Milton Berle started
wearing dresses.
And now this.
One boy lost
on another world.
The whole project
threatened on the very night
it was ready to work.
What does his old man
have to do with this?
Your father is building
a universal tuner for that
screen in there.
My father?
Our VCR has been
flashing 12 o'clock
ever since we bought it.
Well, looks like your pal,
Simon, is gonna be
in the reruns for a while.
Simon is doomed.
Unless your father
finishes his work,
yes, I'm afraid so.
MARSHALL: So all I had to do
was make sure my dad
finished that universal
tuner gizmo before Simon
froze to death
on the surface of Pluto.
Or before my mom and dad
murderized each other.
First, it was adjusting
to this paternalistic town
where your opinion counts
only if you were a man.
Then, it was this
stupid Lodge.
There you are.
Young man, do you know
what time it is?
Ah... later than
it should be?
Mr. Radford?
Splendid timing, my boy.
Your mother and I were
just discussing
the merits of The Loyal
Order of Corn.
I'm holding you
responsible for this.
I gave him a ride.
Gee. Try to be
a helpful neighbor and...
[CLATTER]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHIRRING]
Dad, is it finished?
Mom!
I have had it with
your... your Loyal
Order of Hooey!
Dad, tell her.
Mr. Radford?
Tell her what?
Tell her what
you're working on.
I'm not sure, but
I think it's a universal
remote control.
It can tune any TV,
VCR or CD player with
just three buttons.
[BEEPS]
Ha-ha! It works!
It works!
[CAWING]
You, uh...
you have a lot
of answers.
Your friend had
a lot of questions.
Yeah, well, I have
some of my own.
Where do I fit
into all of this?
You are my...
assistant.
Possibly, even
my replacement.
So you're saying that
you'd have taken anybody
who answered that
"Help Wanted" sign?
Not just anybody.
No, no, no.
Why me?
I need to know.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[CAWING]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
This is the big
Loyal Order of Corn
project?
Mom, it's for their
secret big screen TV.
Careful, boy!
You're divulging the inner
secrets of The Loyal Order
to a woman.
Fabulous.
Secret tuner,
secret TV.
I think it's time
somebody let me
in on the secrets.
What is it about
you men and these
stupid hats?
Mrs. Teller!
Marilyn, my God!
In front of the Kernel?
Hail to Thee,
O Ears of Splendor.
Seedling Teller.
Come on, there are
shocking to be done.
Honey...
Mom...
The members were
so much easier
to handle
when I came up
with this and the hats
of course.
Oh, of course.
Now, we're running
out of time.
The planets are in
a once in a century
alignment tonight.
If I got through that
portal withing the hour,
I can get home.
If not... I don't know
if I can stand
another century.
Especially since Eerie
is getting wired for cable.
Ned!
Now what?
Now, Ned, I know we have
strict rules about
allowing women...
Yes, yes, but what
about the tuner, what
about the tuner?
It works.
Not a moment
too soon.
SIMON: Marshall!
I think she looks
great in a hat.
Please help.
Simon?
Anybody out there?
It's getting a little
hard to breathe.
Marshall. Dash.
What a great TV.
It seems almost real.
Yes, I suppose it does.
[BEEPS AND STATIC]
Hey! There you are!
[ELECTRICAL STATIC]
Marilyn?
Simon, how're you doing?
Great. If I had my mittens,
I would have been fine.
Now, what happens?
I... go home.
[BEEP]
[ELECTRONIC NOISES]
MARSHALL: Wow.
It looks neat.
You can go with me
if you like.
See other worlds,
other places.
Of all the humans
I've known, you'd
appreciate it the most.
Ah, no thanks.
I've too much
to do here.
What about me?
Aren't you going
to invite me, too?
I guess I'll just
have to invite myself.
What do you think
you're doing?
Look.
All I got in my life
are questions.
Who I am, where I came from.
The answers must be
through that.
You're wrong.
My destiny lies
through that portal.
Not yours.
Even I don't know
the meaning
of the marks.
Or why your hair
is gray?
These symbols go back
to a time long before any of us.
And are as much
a mystery to me
as they are to you.
I don't like
the sound of that.
Keep searching.
What you seek
is right here in Eerie.
The answer
to your questions,
is simpler than
you think
and stranger than
you imagined.
Just tell me
one thing.
Are you my father?
If only it were
as simple as that.
[ELECTRICAL STATIC]
[STATIC]
Pretty weird, huh,
Mr. Radford?
Well, still can't top
the Shuckers Bowlathon
we had back in 1974.
Now, that was weird.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
MARSHALL: The next morning,
mom and dad claimed to have
no memory of the events
at the Lodge.
And Radford changes
the subject whenever
I bring it up.
But that won't stop me,
Simon and our semi-friend
Dash X from digging deeper,
because in Eerie, Indiana,
when you scrape away
the surface weirdness,
what you find
is more weirdness.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]