Eerie, Indiana (1991–1992): Season 1, Episode 14 - Mr. Chaney - full transcript

My name is Marshall Teller.

I knew my new hometown was
going to be different from
where I grew up in New Jersey,

but this is ridiculous.

Nobody believes me,

but Eerie, Indiana is
the center of weirdness
for the entire planet.

[CAWING]

Item, Elvis lives
on my paper route.

Thank you,
little paperboy.

Item, Bigfoot
eats out of my trash.

Item, even man's
best friend is weird.

Still don't believe me?



You will.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Men of Eerie.

If your 13 years old or over,

uh, step right up,
buy your ticket.

This is your chance
to do something good
for your community.

One dollar.

SYNDI: Why don't you
enter this thing?

I hear the Harvest King
gets all the Harvest Babes.

No thanks,
I've got a life.

Don't miss your chance

to see the
Eerie wolf.

Marshall,
guess who's back?



MARSHALL:
I wasn't the only one
who thought that

this Harvest King hoopla
was for the birds.

I hadn't seen that weird kid
with the grey hair since

our little adventure with
the ghost of Grungy Bill.

I could tell he wasn't
somebody to mess with.

Seems we were the only two guys
not buying lottery tickets.

Why?

Did he know something I didn't?

The Harvest King gets
all sorts of dorky prices.

But then he must go out into
the woods during a full moon

until he catches a glimpse of
the mysterious Eerie wolf.

What I wanted to know was,

how come there's no such thing
as an Ex-Harvest King?

I mean,

why do they have this
lottery thing every 13 years?

What's with the dumb wolf?

There's nothing dumb
about a wolf.

They're the most intelligent
and cunning of animals.

If the Harvest King is
able to see the Eerie Wolf,

not only will Eerie
have a big harvest,

We'll have 13 years of
good luck and low taxes.

It's tradition.

Not only that, Mars,

they put your
face on the wall.

You'll be a hero.

And what do you think of
the Harvest King tradition?

Oh, Mr. Chaney,

the day our son was
selected the 1979
Harvest King...

Was the happiest
day of our lives.

Yeah, but where's
your son now?

BOTH: He's in Spain.

You see that, Mars?

He even won a
trip to Europe.

MARSHALL: Yeah, right.

Let's go.

RADFORD: Hey, you!

Thought I told you to
stay away from here.

Get out of here!

Hey...

And don't come back you
prematurely grey little sneak.

Who was that?

It's a long story.

That kid keeps scourging
around here for food.

The nerve of some people.

MARSHALL:
I couldn't help but wonder,

who would be the
next Harvest Sucker?

That night,
behind closed doors,

powers that be
chose the Harvest King.

You know, Winston,

I was thinking,

maybe we shouldn't
do this anymore.

Watch your mouth.

We have no choice.

The lottery's traditional.

In case you
haven't noticed,

there's a recession out there.

Hmm.

Seeing the Eerie wo...

Wolf could really
turn things around.

But haven't you guys
ever wondered

why the Harvest
King always...

Disappears?

BOTH: Coincidence.

CHANEY: Look, we have to
pick somebody.

Otherwise, all the
crops will fail.

What about that sneaky kid
with the... With the hair.

Yeah, I did catch him
shoplifting today.

Give me a
blank ticket.

He's perfect.

No one will miss him.

What's his name?

Yeah, nobody
seems to know.

I'll just put

the kid with
the grey hair.

[KISSES]

Here.

[WOLF HOWLING]

C'mon.
Let's get home.

They're showing The Howling
on cable tonight.

Oh, The Howling.

I love that movie.

[WHISPERING]
Marshall...

Teller.

And the 1992
Harvest King is...

What's going on here?
This isn't the name.

What difference
does it make? Read it.

And the lucky winner is

our very own boy
from New Jersey,

Marshall Teller.

Me?

I won?

Wait a minute.

Wait.

What's going on here?

I didn't even enter.

MARSHALL:
I couldn't believe it.

I never won
anything in my life,

let alone a lottery
I didn't even enter.

All of a sudden,
everybody in Eerie,

farmers, store owners, even
cute girls and total strangers

wanted to be my friend.

[CLEARS THROAT]
On behalf of the
farming community in Eerie,

we'd like to
congratulate you

for winning the
Eerie lottery.

As a token of
our gratitude,

we'd like to
give you this cow.

[MOOING]

Mom!

Thank you.

That's a lovely animal.

Thank you very much.

Come on in,
everybody.

Which one is
Marshall Teller?

Peach fuzz.

* Ta-da

MARSHALL: Okay,

maybe being Harvest King
isn't so bad.

I mean, who am I to
turn down a Kingship?

[MOOING]

I am so proud.

Me too, honey.

I think... Is that
cow house broken?

Young Mr. Teller,
it's time to go to

Wolf Mountain to
see the Eerie Wolf.

MARSHALL:
But while my family and I
were raking in the loot,

that grey haired kid
was in the library

looking for 13 year old copies
of the Eerie Examiner.

No.

October, 1927.
This is it.

MARSHALL:
The next thing I knew,

it was my turn to go
up on the Wolf Mountain

with Mr. Chaney.

I wanted to see the
mysterious Eerie Wolf.

But I also wanted
to see tomorrow.

Hey, mister, can I
take off the goofy hat?

No.

It's tradition.

Great.

Geez, it's kind of cold
up here...

It's also traditional
not to talk.

Sorry.

It'll scare the wolf.

What's that?

Candy.

Tradition is
very clear on this.

You can't eat up here.

The wolf...

Wolf doesn't like it.

The wolf doesn't like it?

[WALKIE BUZZING]

What's that?

Look,

I don't care what
tradition says.

I'm going to stay in touch
with my pal Simon, okay?

Okay.

Yo, Simon,

is that you? Over.

Mars, are you there?

Are you there?

Mars, I can't find you.

Yo, Simon,
I can't hear you.

Simon, I can't hear you.

Come in Mars, come in.

Mars, Mars...

Where are you?

MARSHALL: So...

How long have you been
doing this Harvest King thing?

Long time.

Oh.

So is the wolf really
as scary as they say?

Worse.

So,

what exactly happened
to all the guys that
saw the wolf before?

They're in... Spain.

Oh.

You Simon,
are you there?

Simon?

I'm on station
wolf base one.

There's a high chance
of mega weirdness.

Try staying in contact.

The moon.

That means he's coming.

Yo, Simon,
come in.

Put that thing away.

Mr. Chaney,
are you okay?

[SNARLING]

Okay, if you're trying to
scare me, it's working.

Now cut it out.

MARSHALL:
Suddenly, I was nose to nose

with something so ugly,

my heart nearly exploded.

In it's eyes I
saw only I thought,

dinner time.

[GROWLING]

It's you.

Well, it ain't
the log lady.

Thanks, man.

You saved my life.

Don't get used to it.

Don't tell anybody.

Marshall,
you're alive.

Wow, is that
the Eerie Wolf?

More like the
Eerie Wolfman.

That's why
there's a lottery.

Feed the werewolf,
get 13 years of luck.

And low taxes.

Kind of a hairy
sucker, ain't he?

What're you doing here?

Check out these
newspaper clippings.

It says here,

the last five winners of
this Harvest Dude lottery,

they all went to Spain.

Kind of a coincidence,
don't you think?

I smell a cover-up.

Yeah, you got it, pal.

If I hadn't gotten here sooner,
you'd be werewolf kibble by now.

People wonder why
I have grey hair.

Marshall, look.
Your arm.

He got me.

The werewolf got me.

Would you quit whining,
it's just a flesh wound.

Don't you know
what this means?

Next full moon,
I could turn into him.

It.

MARSHALL:
After a few more whacks
with the log to make sure

he didn't wake up,

we lugged the werewolf
down to my house.

The good news was my
parents didn't wake up.

The bad news was the
werewolf had slashed me.

Yeah, that should hold him.

SIMON:
Sure is ugly.

Now what do we do?

I still say we out a stake
right through his heart.

That's for vampires.

Besides, I need to
talk to this guy.

DASH:
Talk about what?

You've seen those
old wolfman flicks.

As soon as this guy
wakes up, he ain't going
to remember anything.

I say we put him
out of his misery,

sell his sorry
carcass to the zoo,

and split the profits.

I'm telling you,

he's my werewolf and
he's staying right here.

DASH: Look, this is not
just a monster,

this is guaranteed
fast cash.

All we have to do is
call the Inquirer,
we'll be famous...

We're not calling anybody.

This thing scratched me.

I gotta find out if that
means I'm going to turn
into a werewolf too.

Think we should
call a doctor?

Simon, he's a werewolf.

An animal.

Should we call a vet?

[COW MOOING]

I've got an idea.
Listen, you stay
with the werewolf...

No, no, no.

The critter's half mine.
I go where you go.

All right.

Simon, you stay
with the werewolf.

If he comes to you,
ka-bong him.

Whatever you do,

don't let my sister or
my parents find out.

Got it.

What's the plan?

We're gonna pay the
powers-that- be a little visit.

By now our little
Harvest King is

halfway to Spain.

To 13 more years of
good luck and...

Low taxes.

And to the Mayor who
delivered it to Eerie.

Boy, if this doesn't give me
the farm vote, nothing will.

[DOORS OPEN]

It's Marshall Teller.

Mayor Chisel,
we gotta talk.

Yeah, and we won't take
no for an answer.

Unless of course you'd rather
we talked to Geraldo first.

Does he have to do that?

Every 13 years, Eerie
offers one of it's own
citizens to werewolf.

For what, Chisel?
Better harvest?

Low taxes?

Is that worth it?

Put the hardware
down, we'll talk.

CHISEL: Listen boys,

you have no idea what
Eerie was like before
this lottery was started.

Yeah, but you're feeding
people to a werewolf.

Marshall,

there's no such
thing as werewolves.

Look, I'm gonna blow
the whistle on you.

After today, everyone
in Eerie's gonna know.

Know what?

Some wild story
about a werewolf
from a couple of kids?

You have no evidence.

Yeah, but all those guys
disappeared the same...

It's a coincidence.

It is a coincidence, isn't it?

DASH: Now I get it.

You don't wanna know, do you?

Look guys,
deep inside,

everybody in Eerie
has their doubts, but

nobody talks about it.

And as long as people
don't talk about it,

everything is a-okay
and everyone's happy.

Well, I'm gonna
talk about this.

And I know plenty of people
who are going to listen.

You're dreaming, kid.

This town, heck...

This whole country

has a long tradition of

looking the other way.

The Warren Commission,
Watergate, Iran-Contra,

the October Surprise,
Eerie's Harvest King,

People don't want to
know about this stuff.

Because if they knew about
it, they might have to do
something about it.

So wake up and
smell the coffee, kiddo.

You're on your own.

Yeah, if you really
believe in werewolves,

I'd be more worried about that
little scratch on your arm.

See you around, kid.

Better stock up
on flea powder.

You too, Radford?

It's a...

It's a tradition.

Come on Marshall,

hurry up.

I'm hungry.

Stay here.

[ENJOYING]

Uh-oh.

[SCREAMING]

Oh, man, oh, man,
oh, man, oh, man.
Oh, man, oh, man.

[SIGHS]

[SNARLING]

[SCREAMING]

[CRASHING]

Syndi, are you okay?

Marshall,

it was the biggest,

hughest raccoon
you ever saw.

Enormous.

I'm never eating
apple pie again.

Umm, yeah, yeah.
Well, we took care of it.

Just, go get some sleep.

Go get some
beauty rest.

I'm fine, guys.

I'm fine.

I ain't afraid of
no werewolf.

Where's the werewolf?

He went out that door.

We gotta stop him.

But how?

How'd you stop a werewolf?

How'd you stop a werewolf?

According to the 1992
Werewolf Companion,

you shoot 'em.

With a silver bullet, of course.

I heard what
you said, Marshall.

I'm not looking the
other way anymore.

Let's go bag
a werewolf.

And when that's done,
I'm taking a aim at this
Warren Commission thing.

BOTH: Yes!

MARSHALL:
So that night, we
went werewolf hunting,

having decided the best
thing to do was end
this once and for all.

The only thing we
didn't know was

whether the silver bullet
will really work or not.

I mean, they
work in the movies.

This was real life.

MARSHALL:
[WHISPERING]
Must be close by.

RADFORD: I'm just a
little nervous.

We have only
one silver bullet.

If I miss...

Do you hear something.

There he is.

Get him Radford, get him.

Shoot him. Go on, hurry up.

Don't miss.

You only have
one shot.

Wait, don't shoot.

CHANEY: What's going on?
It's Chaney.

What am I doing here?

You're not going to
believe this, Mr. Chanye,

but you're a werewolf.

[HOWLING]

SIMON:
There he goes again.

[GROWLING]

[NERVOUSLY]
Later.

[ROARING]

Shoot him, Radford. Shoot him.

DASH: Do it, will ya?

I can't,
I'll hit Marshall.

[YELPING]

SIMON:
Do you see that?

You did it.
You got him!

[GROANS]

My foot.

Quite a shot, if I
do say so myself.

Come on guys,
give me a hand.

MARSHALL: We did it.

We shot the werewolf
with the silver bullet.

Okay, we just winged him.

But we cured Mr. Chaney.

He'll never again turn into
this mega-ugly monster,

terrifying Eerie
every 13 years.

But what about me?

That was Radford's
only silver bullet.

Who is gonna
cure me?

As soon as we
took care of Chaney,

we raided the
World O' Stuff

for anything that
might cure me of

turning into a werewolf.

"Two scoops of the
freeze dried liver

"of an Amazonian
vampire bat."

Yum-yum.

Two scoops.

Ah, we'll use it all.

All right. Now,

a quart of fresh
chicken blood.

It's good blood.

You don't expect me
to drink that, do you?

All right, this will
make you right as rain.

If it doesn't
kill you first.

Vlad the
Impaler's eyeball.

Careful, those are
hard to come by.

[DASH LAUGHS]

Guys, we're just
wasting our time.

I'm doomed to being
a teenage werewolf.

Bottoms up, Marsh.
[SNICKERS]

MARSHALL: I didn't quite
escape the effects of my
encounter with the werewolf.

The next night,

there was a full moon
and something strange
happened to me.

Good thing it was
just a scratch.

Think my parents will notice?

Knowing your parents,

nah.

Well, if they do,

I'll just chalk it
up to puberty.

Puberty.

Now that's eerie.

Just wait till
it's your turn.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]