Eerie, Indiana (1991–1992): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Hole in the Head Gang - full transcript

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

MARSHALL:
It seems like every town
has a haunted house and a

creepy story that
goes with it.

Kids all dare each other
to go inside,

but nobody ever does

because a friend of a friend
knows a guy that went in and

never came out.

Every town has one.

But here in Eerie,

Simon and I have counted over
50 haunted structures.

Today we were checking out
number 51.



[HOWLING]

"No trespassing."

Careful.
"Quarantine."

SIMON: "Condemned."

[SIMON STRAINING]

"This means you."

"No loitering."

What's that mean,
no loitering?

Keep moving.

MARSHALL:
Simon and I overheard some
of the locals talking about

how in the
last few weeks,

they'd seen strange
lights and heard voices.

The word was to
stay away from this joint,

which is why
we were here.



Look at all the
bullet holes.

Maybe this isn't
such a good idea.

We got a strict policy
about guns, remember?

I know. We don't like 'em.

Let's just get some
pictures and get out of here.

Sometimes I wish we
collected stamps for fun

instead of battling
the forces of weirdness.

[HOWLING]

[DOOR SLAMS]
[BOTH SCREAM]

[BATS SCREECHING]
Bats off!

SIMON:
Where are those bats?
I hate bats.

Just think of them
as flying rodents.

Thanks. I feel
much better now.

[WINGS FLUTTER]
[CROW CAWING]

Flashlight...

I can't tell where
it's coming from.

Over there.

SIMON:
Wow, what's holding
the chair up?

VOICE:
Let the dead stay dead.

[LAUGHTER]

[ELECTRIC STATIC AND CRACKLING]

Leave now or stay forever!
[BOTH SCREAM]

[EVIL LAUGHTER]
[BOTH CONTINUE SCREAMING]

I'm sorry if I
caused any inconvenience.

MARSHALL:
The weirdest thing happened
down at the World O' Stuff.

It turns out the
reason Radford always
acted so weird was

because he
wasn't really Radford.

He was Fred Suggs,

compulsive impostor.

Evidently, the real Radford

had been tied up in the
basement the whole time.

No need to
press charges.

Just get him
outta here.

Well boys,

you're my first customers
in quite some time.

Drinks are on the house.
What will you have?

Black Cow with
a nip of Java.

Black Cow with
a nip of Java.

Ditto.
Ditto.

Coming right up.

Hey, Mr. Radford,

how come you aren't
pressing any charges
against that impostor guy?

Well,

despite all his
faults, that guy

was one hell of a salesman.

He moved more merchandise
in six months with me
tied up in the basement

than I made in my past year.

Just can't find help
like that anymore.

Hey, new Mr. Radford.

Yes, young man?

How're we supposed
to know for sure

if you're the
real Radford?

You don't.

Oh, thanks.

Another dead soldier.

How'd the
pictures come out?

Everything's in focus and
perfectly exposed except
for the money shot.

You're kidding me.

Drat.

One Clack Cow.

One ditto.
Thanks.

Say,

that's a swell picture of
the old Hitchcock mill.

You boys amateur
photographers?

Sort of.

I used to have a
dark room myself.

[TAKES A DEEP SNIFF]
I love the smell of
fixer in the morning.

Mill is haunted, you know.

BOTH: We know.

Story goes back
more than a century.

Legend has it that the
mill is haunted by

Grungy Bill.

Worst bank robber,
East of the Mississippi.

Really evil, huh?

No, the worst.

As in, no good.
Incompetent.

Don't quit your
day job worst.

Oh, he was mean
all right, but

when it came to
robbing banks,

well...

Something always
went wrong.

If I remember right,

he was arrested 12 times.

Why is he
haunting the mill?

Of course you realize there's
no such thing as ghosts.

BOTH: [NERVOUSLY]
Of course.

But the story goes,

one day Grungy Bill was
robbing the Eerie Bank
for the 13th time.

Having already
failed 12 times,

well,

this time he
really blew it.

What happened?

He broke the first rule
of bank robbery.

He forgot his gun.

BOTH: [DISBELIEVINGLY]
Forgot his gun?

Big, big mistake.

Anyway, a sheriff's posse
tracked him down to the mill

where they surrounded the place
and shot it full of holes,

him along with it.

They say you can

see him some nights
up at the mill

looking for his gun.

I hate guns.

Of course,

there's no such
thing as ghosts.

BOTH: Of course.

MARSHALL:
You could spend years
in the weirdness biz

and never come close
to a good, clean photo

of a ghost by Grungy Bill.

We had to try again.

But this time, we were
gonna be prepared.

[CREAKING]

Stamp collecting is
looking better and better.

I mean, what's
the worst thing
that could happen?

Paper cut on your tongue?

MARSHALL:
Wait.

Somebody put that
chair back together.

Grungy Bill?

I'll get a shot of it.

MARSHALL:
[IN A SCARY VOICE]
Grungy Bill?

Grungy Bill?

We're calling you back from
the beyond, Grungy Bill?

Maybe he prefers William.

Maybe he was never here.

Here's something.

What is it?

Some sort of
wire and pulley.

Hey, rigged up
to that chair.

Why would a ghost
need to do that?

A ghost wouldn't.

[IN A GHOSTLY VOICE]
Simon.

Simon Holmes.

We've been had, Simon.

We've been
suckered, Simon.

You're kidding.

Get a shot of this.

That's not all,
check this out.

[CRACKLING]

This is so
embarrassing.

Looks like somebody's
been crashing here.

There's a sleeping bag
and candle and stuff.

Better get snaps
of everything
for our records.

Who'd be crazy enough to
live in a haunted house?

I mean, besides a ghost.

DASH: I've got a
better question for you.

Who would be crazy enough
to mess with someone's stuff

who's crazy enough to
live in a haunted house?

Ah, beats me.

Well Simon, guess we
better get going.

Nobody's going nowhere

till we finish a
little business.

Talk to my lawyer.
Come on, let's go.

Let us go.
We didn't do
nothing to you.

Shut up
Shrimpenstein.

Watch it.

[DASH LAUGHS DERISIVELY]

So,

what's with the
goony helmets, huh?

I mean, what's
the story here?

You guys some teenage
neighborhood watch
gone insane?

We thought you were a...

A what?

What?

We thought you were a ghost.

Ghost...
[LAUGHS]

You mean, this guy?

So it was you.

Maybe.

Maybe it was
my evil twin.

Maybe it was
your evil twin.

Maybe I'm your evil twin.

[LAUGHS]

What's with
the grey hair?

I'm starting a trend,
what's it to you?

Listen, junior mod squad,

if everyone in town wants
to believe there's some
sort of ghost living here,

that's great.

'Cause that's exactly what
I want them to think.

It keeps nosy locals
from poking around.

As far as you're concerned,

you've never been here,

you've never seen me.

I don't exist.

If you do tell
anyone about me,

you won't exist.

Got that,

Teenage Mutant Ghostbusters?

Now, give me the pictures
and the video tape.

Better do it, Simon.

C'mon.

This is one tape that's
not going to be in

America's Stupidest
Home Videos.

I gotta talk to the
landlord about these floors.

Wait-a-wait-a
wait a minute.

There's something under here.

Wow.

Check this thing out.

Hey, watch where you're
pointing that thing.
What're you, crazy?

Don't worry
about this thing.

It must be a
100 years old.

Solid rust.

It ain't even loaded.

[BULLET RICOCHETS]

I hate guns. I hate 'em,
I hate 'em, I hate 'em.

Anybody hit?

Look.

[YAWNING]

[YEEHAWING]

GRUNGY BILL:
At last.

There's my gun.

Right where I left it.

Thanks, boys.

I've been looking for
Betsy here for a long time.

Now, if you don't mind,

reach for the sky.

I can't believe this.

A real live...

I mean, a real, dead ghost.

I knew this town is weird
but this is too much.

Philately can be a very
rewarding pass time if
you give it a chance.

Stamps are beautiful.

They're good investments.

And they can't
kill you like a gun.

Cinch that up tight, partner.

Can't have these varmints
squirming loose and
muddying up our plan.

Our plan?

We have a plan?

Of course.

You don't go robbing the
Bank of Eerie without a plan.

I don't go robbing
banks, period.

This is getting interesting.

Oh, no.

The legend.

Legend?

Really?

About me?

What the heck are
we talking about?

Grungy Bill was the
worst bank robber...

Whoa. Whoa there.

That's meanest bank robber.

Not how we heard it.

We heard you tried to
unsuccessfully rob the
Bank of Eerie 13 times.

Twelve. It was just 12.

Whatever.

Anyway, the last time
he forgot his gun.

Nobody's perfect.

Besides, that
don't matter now.

I've got me a plan.

I've spent over a 100 years

dissecting every detail,

every step thought out
to the second.

So what is
this plan?

Well,

we ride to the bank,

we go inside,

we draw our guns,

tell them to give us
all the money.

What'd you think?

I think you're
an idiot.

What?
With

an incredibly brainy plan
for robbing the bank of Eerie.

Hey, uh,

Grungy,

what'd you want to
rob a bank for anyway?

I mean, what's a dead
guy like you gonna
do with the money?

Dat gumit, I ain't
in it for the money.

That is such a
common misconception
about bank robbers.

It's the principle
of the thing.

How would you like to be
known as the Worst Bank Robber
East of the Mississippi?

Don't you see,

I got to rob this bank.

Otherwise, I'm

doomed to wander around here
aimlessly for eternity.

Or...

till they demolish the
mill for a mini mall,

whichever comes first.

All right,

that's enough jaw-boning.

There's a bank with my name on
it and we're burning daylight.

You.

MARSHALL: Who? Me?

Yeah, you.
You're coming with me.

Now you two just cool
your heels till we get back.

And don't try to stop me or
your friend here gets it.

Gets what?

You know,

it.

SIMON: Marshall, don't do it.

Remember our policy.

Without guns.

This kinda stuff happens
to you guys a lot?

At least once a week.

[GRUNGY BILL STRAINING]

Where's the horses?

Horses?

Well, you've been
dead a long time.

All we've got is our bikes.

We walk.

Got to get you a disguise.

Looks like your friend
is headed for boot hill.

His name is Marshall.

And if anybody
can get out of it,

he will.

Big if.

What's your name?

Simon. What's yours?

I wish I knew.

You don't know your name?

How can you not
know your name?

Well,

okay.

I'll tell you.

See,

three months ago,

I wake up here in
Weirdsville, Indiana.

I don't remember anything.

How I got here,
who I am.

Nothing. Zip. Zero.
Not even my own name.

Wow.

No mom, no dad.

Just me looking out for myself.

I crash wherever I can

and I dumpster dive for food.

Why don't you go to
the police for help?

This town doesn't exactly take
kindly to strangers, and

in case you haven't noticed,

anyone who's even remotely
normal qualifies as
a stranger around here.

I know what you mean.

What're you doing?

What does it
look like I'm doing?

I'm getting out of Dodge.

If I were you,
I'd do the same thing.

What about Marshall?

Look, Simon,

this isn't all for one,
one for all.

This is every
man for himself.

And Eerie against all men.

But we got to help him.

You can't just leave.

Just watch me.

Next time you see me Simon,
you don't know me.

What would Marshall do?

What would Marshall do?

MARSHALL:
I was asking myself
that same question.

What was I going to do
when I got inside that bank?

But that wasn't
my only problem.

There was the
little matter
of my disguise.

Come on,
don't do this.

You don't have
anything to prove.

We can still turn back.

Shut up and
stick to the plan.

I'm robbing this bank if
it's the last thing you do.

NUN: Yeah, yeah,
put a rubberband around it.

Yeah, that's good right there.

May I help you, miss?

TELLER: Hey, no cutting.
We gotta wait in line.

Back off.

That makes it
an even 1,300,000.

Sign here.

Boy, this is
going great.

You know what
to do, right?

I hand him this note,

then when they give me the
money, I stuff it in here.

God, I love this business.

Just think,
my little freshness.

If you save up enough pennies,

you can buy a dolly sized
Foreverware tub

so your dolly
will never age,

just like you and mommy.

SYNDI:
I still don't see what the
big deal about a toaster is.

You've already
got a toaster.

Someday you kids
are gonna grow up and
leave us and when you do,

you're gonna need a toaster.
And you can't beat the price.

SYNDI:
Just because they
give you a toaster,

doesn't mean I'm
going to eat toast.

I hate toast.

But sweetheart, you
can't beat the price.

So, Simon,

where's Marshall?

Marshall? He's...

I'm not sure.

Last I saw, he was

nowhere near the bank.

Well, if you see Marshall,
tell him we're having
Swedish toast for dinner.

You're invited too.

Thank you, Mrs. Teller.

[MUMBLES]
I'll try to make it.

Next.

May I help you, young lady?

Aren't you...
The note.

Would you like me to
throw this away for you?

Read it.

GIRL: Oh, my piggy.

He broke my piggy.

[GIRL WAILS]

Sorry.

SYNDI: I don't even
like toast and now
I broke the rule.

Eat lead, you dat
burned sidewinder.

My gun.

I need my gun.

[DASH LAUGHS]

Come here, you...

[DASH LAUGHS LOUDLY]

I ain't leaving without
robbing this place.

Pardon me, ma'am.

[LADY GASPS]

Excuse me.

That is the strangest
looking girl I've ever seen.

Next.

GRUNGY BILL:
Well, you gotta admit,
this is a very nice toaster.

I don't know exactly
what a toaster does, but

I can tell that this toaster
does it very well.

SIMON: Can't beat the price.

So, what'd you say, Grungy?

Now that you've secured
your place in history by
robbing the Bank of Eerie,

why don't you give this
ghost thing a rest?

You know, die?

Well, there's the
little matter of my gun.

Not the "G" word.

DASH: Reach for the skies!

[CHUCKLES]

Gotcha.

You again.

What'd you do
with my gun?

Right here.

Not my gun.

I'm nothing
without Betsy.

Well boys,

looks like I've come to
the end of my trail.

MARSHALL:
Oh, don't worry, Bill.

Lots of people are
just plain dead.

You'll make new friends.

Adios.

Wow.

Haunted toaster.

Cool.

[GRUNGY BILL YODELS]

That's weird
even for us.

Don't you think?

Hey, where'd
that guy go?

He's gone.

Something tells me
that guy's gonna get
us in big trouble.

And we don't even
know his name.

That's okay.

Neither does he.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]