Eastbound & Down (2009–2013): Season 3, Episode 3 - Chapter 16 - full transcript

STEVIE:
This is fucking epic.

l never thought l'd be in Myrtle Beach
with Kenny fucking Powers.

[MARIA GIGGLES]

STEVIE:
Oh.

Oh, uh, hey, why don't you
help unpack the boxes?

l'm gonna go look for Kenny, okay?

-Okay.
-Okay. Love you. Love you.

Whoo!

Kenny. l fucking made it.

You shredded.

Surf's motherfucking up, nigga.



Let's take it down a notch, Stevie.

There's lots of pussy at the beach.

Yeah, dog, that's how l do.

Excuse me.

Yeah. l fucking made it, dude.

Hey, will you hit me
with my towel real quick?

-Oh, hello, sir.
-Yep. l put Toby in that hole...

...so no one would kidnap him.

-That's smart.
-Parenting skills.

l don't know, uh,
if you've been working out...

-...your body's looking good.
-Yeah.

lt's these waves. It tightens
everything up in the core.

-Oh, nice, man.
-Whoo!

You see me fucking dominate
that wave, Powers?



-Straight owning it, Shane.
-Unh! You know it.

-rop G_n, l'm Tom Cruise, heh.
-l'm Tom.

-Who's this person?
SHANE: Who am l?

The guy who's about to whip your ass...

...for getting my truck shot
with a cannonball.

KENNY:
Oh, oh, oh!

[SHANE LAUGHS]

He boned you.

SHANE:
l'm just fucking with you.

-This is Shane. My best friend.
-That's right. Yeah.

-Best friends? Really?
SHANE: Yeah.

lt's really good meeting you. Oh.

-Burned him twice.
-Twice.

[LAUGHS]

-He's at the beach.
-Whoo, whoo, whoo!

KENNY: He's in the ocean.
-Heh.

KENNY: l'm gonna need you two
to hit the ground running.

We're gonna have to unfortunately
convert the dojo into Toby's room.

l'm gonna need you
to baby-proof this up...

...stash the weapons,
make it kid-friendly.

You two will use my computer
research lab as your sleeping chambers.

There is a bed for each of you.

Separate beds. Got it.

So my bedroom is at the end of the hall.
Strictly off-limits.

ln fact, l need you to go get a deadbolt.

l'm gonna lock that up. Are we clear?

Yes, crystal clear. Um, and now, uh--

[BOTH SPEAK IN SPANISH]

What the fuck are you
two whispering about?

ln order to avoid
some of the behavioral issues...

...that have occurred in the past...

...uh, Maria thought it would be a good
idea if l lay down some ground rules.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

No, l'm-- l'm not kidding. Uh....

''Rules for new relationship...

-...with Kenny Powers.
-Heh.

lt is important for us to share
a mutual respect for one another.

lt's not healthy for me to put you
on a pedestal, or put you above me...

...or think about
how a world without you...

...wouldn't even be a world
worth living in.''

-What, are you about to cry?
-No. No, no, no.

-Okay.
-Huh!

''l will also no longer-- l will also
no longer be able to loan you...

...large sums of money.''

Whoa, what about
in case of emergency?

No. No, no, no.

Well, in the case of an emergency?

Like, what if l was at a store
and l found...

-...a shirt l was gonna wear?
-That might qualify.

You'd probably look
good as hell in that.

Maria.

And finally, ''We must, by law...

...have the most coolest...

...and amazing shit-awesome time
in Myrtle fucking Beach.

And party like the fuck, heh.
Sincerely, Stevie Janowski.''

Mm.

All right. Well, there are a shit ton
of fun things to do in Myrtle Beach...

...that's for sure.
Let's not forget about Toby, okay?

l mean, you guys are parents now.

And with parenthood
comes certain sacrifices.

A white baby needs care basically 24/7.

-Got it.
-Um....

He a very handsome baby.

[IMITATES MARIA]
Yeah, he is a handsome baby.

[IN NORMAL VOlCE]
Look who's stringing together sentences.

Miss Rules over here, heh.

l got a pretty fucking dope life
here in Myrtle Beach.

l'm not gonna let some handsome,
hot-as-fuck, little child ruin it.

You got that, Toby? Look how
cute he is. l fucking hate him.

KENNY: Chapter rhree:
The Feel?ng of W?nn?ng B?g T?me. Dude.

Once upon a t?me. l bel?eved ?n dest?ny.

But now l say F that B.

Eveyth?ng l have ?n th?s nfe.
l earn myself.

There's no cosm?c luck dec?d?ng
sh?t for us. My weafth. my fame...

...my World Ser?es pennant.
l earned myself.

What l d?dn't earn mysefl
was when l caught crabs.

l got those from
sleep?ng at a Red Roof Inn.

l'm like, ''l ain't got cash.''
She goes, ''Let me give you a hand job.

lt'll be on me.'' ''Yes, ma'am.''

-Oh, nice.
-Celebrity.

-Celebrity. Yeah.
-Celebrity.

What the fuck are you
Satan worshippers looking at?

Texas is here, man.

Six-foot-three, 21 5 pounds....

Texas.

ROY: --barely got peach fuzz
over his pecker, heh.

Nobody else knows about him.

And he ain't got nowhere else to play.

SHANE:
A little help with the ball, please?

-lt's me.
ROY: Who's that?

-Just kidding. Psyche your mind.
-Psyche your mind again, it's me.

-Ha, ha.
-Well, if it ain't la flama fucking Blanca.

-Yeah.
-Straight up from the south side.

How you doing, golden boy?

-l'm just golden, baby, you said the word.
-Mm-hm.

Meanwhile, you're down here
squirting fire like a dragon's pussy.

-You bet your ass l am.
-Don't you think Texas...

...ain't nibbling at your h_evos, either.

l can feel them. l come home...

...and feel like one had a little bite.

-You know who it is. Ha, ha.
-That's you.

Taking a bite.

That's right. How you doing?
You been good?

-What's your name?
SHANE: Shane.

-Hey, Shane.
-Shane.

-This is Shane.
-Shane catch your balls?

-Yeah, Shane's the catcher on the team.
-Yeah?

SHANE: How you doing?
-l'm good. Give me a second to talk...

-...to my man Kenny.
-Still driving that Blazer?

So, Kenny, like l said...

...things are looking good for you.

-Out here on the mound.
-Okay.

That's not the reason
that l'm here today. All right?

Have a look on the mound.

KENNY:
Who the fuck is this idiot?

He's from Russia. First name Ivan,
Iast name, Dochenko.

Asian dude?

Holy crackling shit.

He's already thrown 80 balls today.
Did we clock in at what?

One-oh-two.

ROY:
One-oh-two.

Where did you find this kid?

ROY: The Russians were prepping him to
be their stud coming to the new Olympics.

But baseball got voted out
of the games, and we got him.

With 102, l'd say
he's some kind of fucking prodigy.

Big deal. This fucking Russian ass wipe
can throw 102 at practise...

...but can homeboy do that shit
in the heat of a game?

You don't throw 102 in practise.

Because what's the point?
It's fucking practise.

-Walk with me.
-Get your head out of your ass.

Come on, Skip, it's practise.

ROY:
Ooh! Looking good, Ivan.

Step off the mound a minute,
take a break.

l want you to meet somebody.

lvan Dochenko, Kenny Powers.

Hello. l've never heard of you before.

l grew up watching you, as a boy.

Don't try to date me, heh,
l ain't that old.

l'm dying to know, how much better
is America than, uh, Russian place?

By ''Russian place,''
do you mean Russia the nation?

Yeah.

America's good, you know?

lt's like-- It's like Russia
in many ways, l feel like.

-You should come and visit sometime.
-Why would l want to go to Russia?

They've been enemies of America
for the longest time.

Not for many years. That's all over now.

That ended back in the '80s almost.

So you think. But the people
in charge don't think that.

You think there's still
conflict between--?

Do l think? l know.
Whatever. Tomato, tomato.

Which one?

What is he talking about?

-You said, ''Tomato, tomato.
-We got a little language barrier.

What is going on?
This is what you want me to do?

Play word games with him?

He throws good. Got a language barrier.
l need patience from you.

Hey. Hop up there, stay loose.

-Keep throwing the ball.
-Throw ball.

-Take a walk with me.
-Good to meet you.

Your face is-- Is big. l like it.

ROY:
So, what do you think of the kid?

l don't know, Roy.
It seems like he has a big ego.

lf there's one thing l've learned, uh,
there is no room for egos in baseball.

That's exactly what l wanna
talk to you about.

Kenny, l want you to be his mentor.

l want you to take that kid
under your wing.

l want you to show him how
a big leaguer does things.

You trying to turn me into
motherfucking Mr. Miyagi?

Mr. Miyagi was a bad motherfucker.

Mr. Miyagi was fucking 4 feet tall
and Chinese.

Man, l'm not trying to do that.

You've never let me down yet, Kenny.
You've been a consummate professional.

Well, Roy, you're asking
a whole lot of me here.

l know l am.

lt's only because l know
you can handle it, hoss.

Love you, baby.

Fucker.

Whenever l've experienced
major obstacles in my life...

...l can usually depend on the power...

...of a beautiful woman's love
to help me conquer.

lf the time comes, and l call upon you
to believe in me...

...will you do it?

Do what?

Will you be the woman that would come
to a very important game of mine...

...in the moment of crisis, rise, stand,
Iook me dead in the eyes...

...and give me the confidence
l need to prevail?

l mean, l guess. If l'm free.

Okay. Yeah. All right, well, cool.
l'll take that. Sure.

Cool. Thank you for believing in me.

You're welcome, heh.

lt's whatever.

ln other news, looks like l'm stuck
with the kid for a spell.

Ew! That sucks.

You think l want to hang out
with my son?

l'd much rather be doing cocaine...

...and watching the Saw movies
on DVD in your dorm room.

Well, then what are you gonna do?

Kind of hard to say at this point.

His bitch of a mom dumped
his ass on me, stone cold.

Yeah, and guess what else?

She also tried to seduce me,
put me into drugs...

...and put alcohol down my throat,
and tried to have me have sex to her.

-Did you?
-Well, you know, l'd never lie to you.

So did you have sex with her?

Mm-mm. Nope.

Because what we have is solid gold.

Why am l gonna ruin that
on some old pussy...

...that popped a kid out a year ago? No.

l trust you, heh.

l trust you too.

SHANE:
Whoo! Look at him go, huh?

Thattaboy. Go on and get it.

[LAUGHS]

Why aren't you swimming?

l had tubes in my ears as a kid.

Oh, l gotcha. Surprise, surprise.

Dude loves riding some waves, Huck.

Cutting him up like
he a fucking Ginsu knife.

Kenny's good at everything
that has to do with water.

-Swimming, Jet Ski....
-No, l know, Steve, l know.

-Oh, you do?
-Yeah, l do.

Yeah, l know a lot about Kenny.

-Really?
-Yeah, l get him.

ln fact, the only thing
l don't get about him...

...is how the fuck you factor
into the situation.

What? No-- My role is essential.

Who do you think got him
where he is today?

l knew that man when he was
a dumb, fucking teacher.

-Oh, no kidding?
-When he lived in Mexico.

l knew him in high school.

Yeah, l know about you in high school.

l think l have an understanding of Kenny
over a long range of years. l--

Okay, well, then where you been
this last year?

This dude's at a very important time
right now.

And he can't be
getting distracted, okay?

Last thing he needs is some
fucking bitch-ass, little boy toy...

...goddamn hanger-on like you
getting in his way.

Don't get in his way.

-l'm not gonna get in his way.
-Good.

You don't get in his way.

You have nothing to worry about.
l got my eye on the ball.

Just like a catcher's supposed to do.

Well, l got my eye on balls as well.

Oh, no kidding.

-Yeah, all the balls.
-Yeah.

Multiple balls.

Because that's what assistants do.

Good luck watching
all them balls, Steve.

-l'll watch as many as l want to.
-Yeah, good luck with it.

What's up, K.P.?

KENNY:
The tr?dent.

Pose?don. the god of the ocean's.
weapon of cho?ce.

Anc?ent mermen used to use th?s weapon
?n battle to flght the crustacean arm?es...

...and all the shr?mps
and ?ellyflsh ?n the sea.

l often come out here
to this abandoned cement factory...

...to harness its power,
Iearn its secrets...

...think about life,
think about the game.

They're the same thing, you know?

Heads up.

Nice hands.

Now listen to what l have to say.

l'm about to teach you some things
that can't be taught.

Do you see the yonder peaks
of this ancient building?

Do you mean the roof?

-Yes.
-Yeah.

l need you to scale this
and find your way to the peak.

Heh, no, l can't. That is impossible,
l can't do it.

You won't climb up that thing?

l can't. It's too-- Too tall.

Fine. Do you see there?

That weird, dark, cavernous area
that's kind of scary?

ln order to become a man,
and on the team...

...you have to crawl into there
and murder a rat.

Everyone on the team
has done this before.

No.

How am l supposed to mentor you
if you're not gonna do the exercises...

...or transitions that l've thought up of?

-Give me something else--
-All right.

How about you just, at a brisk pace,
run up that ramp and take your shirt off?

Why should l take my shirt off?

Because. Why wouldn't you do that?

l'm trying to teach you lessons
that can't be taught.

Think Luke Skywalker would've
Iearned anything from Yoda...

...if he kept saying ''no''?

-Luke Skywalker?
-From fucking Star Wars, dog.

You know what? Fuck this. Obviously,
you don't want to fucking learn.

[CHUCKLES]

You're sending me a mixed signal,
you know?

Don't try to outsmart me, mister.

l'm a fucking writer.

-Yeah, and l'm deejay, bro.
-All right, fine.

You think you can fucking fly solo...

...you could do this on your own?
Go for it.

Good. l don't need lessons
from fucking has-been.

-What'd you just say?
-You heard what l said.

No, l didn't hear.

-l called you a has-been.
-A has-been?

-Yes.
-And l'm gonna assume.. .

...there was something
Iost in translation.

ln Russia, a has-been is someone
who once was great, but is now shit.

That's exactly the same thing
it means in America as well.

That's why l said it.

You better fucking think again, bro.

l'm the most famous person
the Mermen has.

-The next one up to the majors.
-We shall see about that.

You're seeing about it right now.

l'm the team leader.
Franchise star player.

See it, saw it, sawn it. You're done.
l won the argument.

And let me tell you something.

l hope you pitch better
than your mouth works.

Because for me, my mouth is
not as good as my arm, right?

Fucking through your face and dead.

Yeah, if l had the gun, l'm like....

Fucking gun's chopped in half,
electricity comes into your face.

-Two guns.
-That one's done too. Inside of you.

And now you're a fucking puppet.

l can bounce this around,
you're a puppet.

-Smash your fucking face in.
-You are like baby.

So l wish you...

...nothing but the best of luck.

Because you're going to need it.

Don't try to wish me good luck.

Fuck. What the--?

Let's go. Hey, man, don't fuck around.
Don't fuck around, man.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

You're my fucking ride.
Fuck you, motherfucker.

Andrea?

Andrea? Andrea?

ls this Andrea's classroom?

Andrea? Is this Andrea's classroom?
There you are.

Sir, it's a closed session.

Eat shit, fucker.

Andrea, you made a promise to me,
and now, unfortunately...

...l have to collect upon that promise.

Are you ready to believe in me?

No?

l'm in class right now.

l'm slowly realising this.

Uh....

Don't whisper. Nobody needs
to be whispering, okay?

This is serious.

We're talking about
our relationship here.

Can we talk about this later?

Okay, cool.
Well, l'm probably just freaking out.

l got a lot of emotional baggage
l've been dealing with....

l'm not some needy old dude
rushing into a classroom...

...asking for confidence.
Heh, that's not me.

-That's not me, heh.
-Heh.

l'm gonna go now,
l'm gonna be fine.

Nobody worry about me.
l got this shit fucking cinched.

All right. That's-- That's it.

You sure you don't want
to come right now, just to...?

You're busy. You guys are-- Okay.

What the fuck is this
Romper Room bullshit?

Stevie. Steven.

Kenny, l didn't hear you come in.

l need you to explain this.
What is this?

Well, this is retro-baby chic.

l modeled this after a spread l saw in
the latest So_thern l?v_ng. Do you like it?

Let me think about that for a second.
No, l fucking hate it.

Tear it down. Start over. Restart.

Okay, right now is one of those times
where l'm feeling a little disrespected.

l come down here and you're
running around with some guy...

...and calling him your best friend.

And now you want me to
redo all this hard work?

l just feel, hmm...

...like my feelings, uh, aren't
being taken into consideration.

l'm sorry, Stevie, that l am not taking
your feelings into consideration.

-Thank you.
-l'm sorry you decorated the room shittily.

l'm sorry Shane is my best friend.

And most importantly, l'm sorry
that l just broke this silly fucking lamp.

Because my whole goddamn reign of
power's being challenged here, Stevie.

l don't want my dojo to look like the place
the Cabbage Patch Kids come to fuck.

Now this Russian's here
and he might almost be as good as me.

-lt makes me nervous.
-Aah!

l've never heard you say
you were nervous before.

Well, it's because l've never
been nervous before, Stevie.

-Does Shane know?
-Of course not.

l'm not trying to look like
a bitch in front of Shane.

He's my best friend.
He's not someone l say things to.

Ah, okay. Okay.

You know, Kenny,
back in high school...

...l used to watch you
walk through the halls.

And l'd say, ''There goes the coolest,
cockiest kid in the world.''

But you're no longer
a kid anymore, Kenny.

You're a man.

And l guess all that coolness
and cockiness has, uh, transformed.

But it's transformed...

...into something far more powerful.

Battle-hardened confidence.

Now, l have seen you face adversity
with April, your career, marketing...

...and Mexicans.

And you, you always emerge victorious.

l didn't just come down to Myrtle
for adventure...

...and possibly cheating on my wife.

No. l came down here...

...to be inspired.

l gotta admit, Stevie.

l didn't think you had what it takes
to deliver a heartwarming...

...inspirational speech.

Thank you.

Because of your words,
l'm now ready to destroy.

You need to fucking destroy now.

l'm sorry for hurting your feelings
and destroying that dumb-ass lamp.

Fuck my feelings and fuck that lamp.

You need to get to the fucking stadium
and destroy.

COMMENTATOR: rhe sw?tch-h?tt_ng
Jansen stands ?n here...

...two on. top of the n?nth.

The stretch. the p?tch-- Swung on
and l?ned to r?ght fleld. base h?t.

-Jorasco gets ?t ?n qu?ckh.
-Come on.

Time.

Powers, you're in.

[IMITATES BREAKING WIND
THEN SNIFFS]

Welcome to America, baby dick.

COMMENTmOR:
The call has ?ndeed gone to the bullpen.

There w?ll be a p?tch?ng change.

lt ?s s?x to one. Mermen.
top of the n?nth.

[CROWD CHEERING]

And ?t's Kenny Powers.

The b?g r?ght-hander com?ng ?n
to shut the door once aga?n.

[CROWD WHOOPING]

And now. p?tch?ng for the Mermen...

...Kenny Powers.

All right now, here we go.

You ready to show this Russian
how we do this in the States?

-You're right.
-Well, show me what you got, Goose.

l told you, l'm Tom Cruise.

l'm gonna let you think you are.

-Guess what? l am Tom Cruise.
-You're not.

-Tom Cruise.
-Strike this motherfucker out.

-Tom Cruise. Thanks, Goose.
-No.

l'm out of earshot.

ALL [CHANTING] :
Kenny. Kenny.

Go ahead and strike this pussy out.

l was talking to you.

Here we go.

UMPIRE: Strike one.
-Yeah.

Fuck yeah.

[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUD]

UMPIRE: Strike two.
-Bam!

[ALL CHEERING AND WHOOPING]

Hey, that ain't distracting you,
is it, huh?

You're gonna be all right.

CROWD [CHANTING] :
Kenny. Kenny. Kenny.

Goddamn it.

[TOBY WAILING]

Fuck.

l'm sure he doesn't know--

He gonna come here and probably
give you a little chit-chat.

Powers, thank you, we won't be needing
your services the rest of the evening.

You've got to be kidding me.

One fucking hit. Are you serious?

You've been preoccupied
all week.

Pulling your dick,
messing around, monkey-shining.

l'm gonna give the new guy a chance.

The new guy?

Hey, don't sass me, okay?

Texas is here. You're gonna
fuck me in front of them?

l don't have to fight with you.
Get off the mound.

-Dick.
-Move it.

Piece of shit.
Fucking racist cock-sucking....

COACH:
Send in the fucking commie.

lgnorant choices.

[IMPERIAL RUSSIAN THEME
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

We'll see. We'll see how
the fucking Russian fares.

-Here we go, Ivan.
-Come on, Ivan.

Darnell, what the fuck?

[CROWD GASPS]

Yeah.

[CHEERING]

-Goddamn.
-Unh!

[GRUNTS]

One fucking game, man.
One fucking game, okay? Who cares?

Don't let that commie prick rattle you.

l'm getting thrown
a bunch of things at once.

April, this fucking kid is here,
this Russian person.

lt's just too much. It's too much, man.

Hey. Hey. Hey. You look at me.

Look me in the fucking eyes.
Stop being a goddamn pussy.

You're fucking famous and shit,
and no one, no one can stop us.

Never say die. Okay?

[GROWLS]

-Whoo!
-Hell, yeah. There you go. Stand up.

-Stand up and yell it in my face.
-Never say die!

-Say it!
-Never say die!

-Never say die. Never fucking die!
-Famous and shit.

[IN UNISON]
Never say die.

-Never die.
-Goddamn it, that's right.

Now, how's about l cut us
a couple more monster rails...

...for us young fucking bloods, huh?

Oh, l fucking like that.
l'm gonna change this shitty song...

-...for something coke worthy.
-Yeah.

-Whoo!
-Fuck this shit.

Talking about dope beads,
fat lines and tight friends.

We are fucking celebrities, yo.

Whoo!

KENNY:
l don't even know half these bands.

l know, l went crazy on LimeWire
in the early days, that's what--

Oh, shit. l fucking love this song. Heh.

[THE BANGLES
''WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN'' PLAYING]

[GAGGING]