Eastbound & Down (2009–2013): Season 3, Episode 4 - Chapter 17 - full transcript

May the white horse take you
to the furthest reaches...

...of man's imaginations.

I'm gonna miss you, bro.

Hey, man. You know I have this kid
and shit right now...

...and lowering him into the Can-Am...

...and carrying him around town is
a little illegal and impractical.

If you don't want me to take your truck,
give me a sign right now.

Three seconds to give a sign.
Two, one.

No more signs can be given.

Well played, hombre. I won't forget you.

Maria! Have you seen my Gold Bond?



Good morning, everyone.

What's up, Kenny?

This kid is cursed.

Cursed? What are you talking about?

Think about it, all right?
It's some straight-up Omen shit.

Kid drives me and April apart.
Kid drives April nuts.

You bring him to my game,
and then for no reason at all...

...I momentarily lose ali my abilities.

And now Shane is dead.

Shane is dead?

- Yeah.
- What? How?

It doesn't matter, I wasn't there.

- Oh, my God. I can't believe this.
- Toby.

Hey. What do you want from me'?



I've been super-cool to you.

I've given you a bowl of Chex Mix
and some water.

Why are you making curses upon me?

I don't know. I thought your baby
would be cooler. No offense.

Stevie, shut up.
How do I erase this curse?

If I give you a toy,
will that erase the curse?

Will you stop fucking up my life, Toby?

Fuck.

Kenny. How is it going in this morning?

My best friend's dead.

How do you think
it's going in this morning?

Yes, I am sorry to hear
about Shine.

- Shane.
- Yeah, Shane.

A lot of people think
that if you hadn't come here...

...none of this would have happened.
Maybe Shane would still be alive.

He overdosed to death on drugs.
Correct?

Alone. Yes. That's what the doctors say.

Maybe if someone listened to their mentor
and Wouldn't have been showboating...

...maybe Shane wouldn't have been
so compelled to do a shit ton of cocaine.

He would have done the normal amount,
he'd still be alive.

I was not showboating, okay?
I was playing to win.

Oh. Aren't you a poet and a murderer.

You're crazy if you think you can swoop In
and I'm weak...

...and you can take my power.
You're not gonna be team leader.

I'm unstoppable.

You really have major problems inside
your brain, my friend.

Oh, yeah? Well...

...your dick is all dumb
and smashed in and played out...

...in those roller-skating shorts.

You don't know nothing
about my dick.

And you don't know nothing
about surfing.

Yeah, and you don't know anything
about Lance Mountain.

- Or fucking Steve Caballero.
- This is porno?

No, these are goddamn
skateboarders, bro.

Well, let's just agree to agree.

- Learn the language, dog.
- Maybe I will do that.

After I go and eat these waves
and make them in my shit.

Hopefully, when you go out,
you'll find your green card...

...and surf on the fuck home.

Hey, Balki.

We already lost one Mermen this week.
Maybe you can make it two.

Fucking poser.

Crazy, man.

I know. I can't believe he's dead.

No, I mean the fact that you can
capture HD video on a little phone like this.

- Is that a video or the camera?
- It's HD videos.

Oh, HD.

I win.

Stevie, what are you doing?

I'm just making sure he's dead.

Come In, close. Let's get a shot
of you guys together.

We'll miss you, Shane.

- Don't smile in this one.
- Okay.

Say "it's sad."
Wave, though?

- Be sad. Shane is dead.
- Okay.

Oh, hey. Uh... Hello.

Are you guys the family?

Immediate family.

The viewing doesn't start
for another hour.

Yes, sir, I know.

That's why we got here early.

Just wanted to spend a little alone time
with the cadaver.

Well, that's what we wanna do too.

What a coincidence.

Welcome. We're all in this
together now.

Except for you, Stevie.

- Give us some space.
- Oh, sorry.

This is him. This is your son, guys.

Shane.

He looks so peaceful.

Oh, my boy. They did a nice job.

The heavens needed another star
in the sky.

Here, take these back.

Uh... Heh.

These are Shane's favorite pair of
Oakley Blades. I think he'd want them.

No. No.

Who are you, again?

I am Kenny Powers. I was--

I was Shane's best friend.

With your Messing...

...I am prepared to deliver the eulogy
at the funeral.

Um...

Uh, no. His grandfather
has prepared some words.

Grandfather?

Well, just so you know, I have performed
at funerals before.

So if the old man Muses his nerve
or chokes up...

...I can easily fill In.

Or if you want me and gramps to do
a back-and-forth type thing.

That can also be arranged.

- Would you just go ahead and heave?
- My God.

We'd like to spend some time
with our son.

I'd love for you guys to do that.
That's fantastic.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

I know how you guys feet

I'd give absolutely anything to see
his smiling face alive one more time.

What the fuck?

Hi, how you doing? I'm Cole.

Shane's brother?

I'm Kenny Powers.
I'm Shane's best friend.

In the year that I spent
hanging out with this dude...

...he has never mentioned once
that he has a twin brother.

Yeah, well that's Shane for you.

Man of mystery.

What are you doing?

That's a good one.
I gotta get your guys' e-mail.

This one got all three of you
and the tip of Shane's face.

I don't know Why you're wasting your time
reading to him in Spanish.

To him, it sounds like garbly-gook,
like it does to me.

- He like stories.
- Oh, I bet he does.

But I got something here I think
he's gonna like more than foreign words.

Toby, in an attempt to make peace
so you stop fucking up my shit...

...I present you with this,
your first pet.

It's a hermit crab and I believe
his name is Spurgen.

Ooh, with a name like Spurgen...

...you know he gets pussy.

So there you go. Enjoy him.
Lift the curse.

Stop fucking up my life,
and get on the Myrtle Beach vibe, man.

And now we'll observe...

...a moment of silence...

...for our late, great Merman,
Shane Gerald.

Fuck you.

- Shh.
- Shh.

- Shh.
- Shh.

- Shh.
- Shh.

Shh.

Moment of silence!

Shh.

What? Uh...

I'm just" Tm just meditating, baby.

You help with him. I go take shower.

Just take a shower with him.
Take him in there with you.

It doesn't matter
if he sees your private parts.

You could put him
an inch away from your pussy...

...and he wouldn't even know
where he was.

This life is no good for me and you.
We go home.

You're doing a great job,
even Kenny says so.

Okay, just--
Please, will you just go inside?

I need to focus on some work.

Great job. Keep it up.

Loss, Fears and Doubts.

Have I had moments
where I question this comeback?

Moments where doubt
haunted my mind?

The easy answer is yes.

But the difficult
and truly great answer is no.

I've trained my mind and heart
to the methods only known to myself...

...to have no doubt and only fear of things
you should be afraid of...

...like fire or bears,
or even angel dust.

Mr. Powers?

'Hey, What's going on?
- Can I help you?

I don't know. I don't even know
why I came over here.

I guess, instinctually, this is
the place I would always run to...

...whenever I had questions
that only Shane could answer.

What are you looking at me for?

I thought I could take you to where
me and Shane used to hang...

...to discuss our feelings
and emotional issues.

Uh. No, I-- That's okay.

I'm just gonna stay here with the family.
Thank you.

No, I get it.
You guys are mourning and stuff.

- I am too.
- Yeah.

We should be together
in this time of need.

Just hang here. Pop a few beers.

Maybe throw on some
high-definition Bm-rays.

I'll go. I'll go. Let's go,

Ah. Okay, great. This is gonna be fun.

- Awesome.
- Let's go.

- Thanks a lot.
- Thank you.

Why did you invite me out
and not bring any cash?

Oh, I know, that's my bad.

But I'll get you on the next one.
I got a tab.

Look at all this fine trim
walking around here, huh?

A little young for my taste.

Heh. Not for Shane's.

One time, Shane lost his pinky ring...

...fucking around with a girl's C-section
scar in the bathroom here. Ha, ha.

I'm gonna shoot you straight, Cole.

Tsk. I'm not doing so hot.

Really?

- Yeah, my brother died, Kenny, 50--
- I know, shut up. Listen.

Right now I could really use
a Shane pep talk.

I'm sorry, I don't know
what to do for you.

Well, I do, because you guys are twins.

Do you think It'd be possible
for you to maybe channel him?

Or is Shane too far gone
to the spirit realm now...

...that the twin-hold connection
no longer works?

I'm not a medium for my twin brother
that just passed away from an overdose.

Have you ever tried to communicate
with him when he's dead? Probably not.

I don't know what to tell you.

He's gone, Kenny. All right?

To Shane.

I gotta go take a leak.

I bet you have a talent
for cleaning bathrooms.

I have an eye for talent. Heh

Okay, here's the deal.
The next thing they do, we have to do.

That would be lusty, huh?

Deal?

- Go ahead, touch it.
- Deal.

Okay.

That's right, Don.

Turn around. Bend over.

Oh, yes.

You've been
thinking about this all day?

Huh, you little whore?
I want you to turn over, Don.

Uh... I'm gonna go
take care of Toby, okay?

- Where are you taking me'?
- Come on. Jesus. Shh.

Why are you--?

Watch.

- Unbelievable. All right, all right.
- Shh.

- What's up, dudes?
- Hey, Kenny.

Hey, what's up, Kate?

She's a mess.
She's been crying nonstop.

Kate. Sweetheart?

What?

Uh...

Would you mind coming to the door
real quick, for just a second?

What is it?

You look like
you've been crying bunches.

Death Isn't nice, is it?

Kate, do you behave in magic?

You mean like tricks and stuff?

Just like any kind of magic,
just sorcery, mysticisms.

- I believe in sorcery.
- Cool.

Then say it with me.

Magical adventures, 1, 2, 3.

- Magical adventures, 1, 2, 3.
- Magical adventures, 1, 2, 3.

He has risen, indeed.

What is this, Kenny?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my fucking God!
What have you done?

- Shane?
- What Ts this?

Ha, ha. This isn't Shane. This is Cole.

- It's Shane's fucking twin brother.
- What?

- Ha-ha-ha.
- Are you fucking kidding me?

You're a fucking asshole.

It's okay. It's okay.

I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

I would never have come in
and been a part of this.

He's a twin.
You have to pull this trick with someone.

She's having an asthma attack!

- I'm out of here.
- No, no. Just let me make it better.

Sorry.

Okay, we're good.
Let's go. Come on.

Let's go, let's go.

That didn't really go over as planned.

Heh. I thought it was a good way
to cut through the gravity of the situation.

But guess you can never tell
with women.

No, actually, I agree with her.
You are a fucking asshole.

- Excuse me?
- I'm not my brother, Kenny.

Okay, I've been biting my tongue
all day today, but I just can't do it anymore.

I know it's the decent thing,
but I just can't do it anymore, all right?

Shane was a goddamn deadbeat.
There, I said it.

HEY, Easy, man.

That's no way to talk about
a dead person.

I talked about him like that
when he was living. I don't give a shit.

Goddamn asshole thought
he was 18 years old.

Made life miserable for anyone
that even cared about him.

Fuck Shane.

Goddamn. Well, you know what?

Underneath your identical face,
you are nothing like your brother.

I'm just floored
you would say "Fuck Shane."

That's because
you're a fucking idiot too.

I want you to get out of my truck
right now.

- Your truck? That's hilarious.
- Yeah.

Heh. That's a good one.

You know this truck is identical to the one
that's described on Shane's lease.

I'm sure that's just a coincidence, right?

- Nope. Shane and I had identical tastes.
- Hmm.

We bought the same truck.

Mine has a Cannonball in the tailgate.
That's how we tell them apart.

Are you kidding me?
Do you think we're idiots?

- Like we don't know what's going on here?
- You know what? I've had enough.

I brought you to show you how Shane
used to live, to make you feel good.

Instead, you been cussing him
and throwing accusations.

I want you out. Go.

Fine.

These are the dumbest doors
I've ever seen.

- It's up and then in.
- Yeah, I get it. Thanks.

Know what? You and Shane
were meant for each other.

Two peas in a fucking pod.

Semi-decent turnout to the funeral
These people are looking super-sad.

There's a lot of hot babes, though.

This isn't what Shane would have wanted.

Watch the truck.

I'm gonna go pay my final respects.

I just want to say a few words
about my grandson.

He was always my little man...

...even when he wasn't so little.

We're gonna miss you, little man.

Don't bury him yet.

I'd love to add to the speeches.

Oh, my fucking God.

What's wrong?

Do you have a cigarette?

No. I only smoke weed.

I just couldn't handle seeing
my brother like that;.

Were you a friend of his?

Um...

Yeah, you could say that.

Do you"? Do you want me to come sit
with you for a while?

That'd be nice;
Okay.

End of intro to funeral speech.

Good afternoon to everyone.

I'm Kenny Powers, and if you're here,
then you're someone Shane cared about.

You're someone Shane loved.

Or maybe you're just somebody
who has no business being here at all.

Who's just here because you think it's
gonna make you more popular, like Ivan.

Everyone's wondering why you're here
because you didn't even know Shane.

Don't worry about it, though. It's cool.
No one's complaining.

You know, Shane and I
used to fuck around, big-time.

We'd fucking party hard.

We'd ride our vehicles around.
Slay ass.

We also watched a lot
of cinema films together.

We loved the movie Top Gun.

Oftentimes, we would joke
with each other.

Who was Goose
and who was Torn Cruise.

Well, now that Shane is dead,
I guess we know who is Goose.

- Oh, my God.
- Shane is Goose.

Because in that motion picture,
Goose dies, so...

Shane is dead,
so he would be Goose.

And that would make me Tom Cruise.

I'm Tom Cruise, guys.

Do you"? Would you like a hug?

Yeah? Oh, it's all right. It's okay.

We all die. We all die.

Everyone at the funeral, close your eyes.

Ojos fucking closos. Now.

- No, you don't have to close your eyes.
- Cole, I know you're sad, dog.

Don't let your sadness make you rude.

Everyone, close your eyes.
Close your eyes, everybody.

Now picture Shane's face.

Happy.

Well-manicured facial hair.

His body youthful and full of life.

Now picture Shane now.

His cold, lifeless face.

Eyeballs mushed and smashed in.

Little strands of hair still
just coming off of his head.

Looks all scary,
like that little smart-ass...

"from Tales From the Crypt.
The little Crypt Keeper guy.

That's the kind of skeleton
that Shane is now.

Open your eyes. Everyone open them.

What do you see?

You see me.

Shane now lives through me.
I have his power.

Oh, I wanna fuck you. Get that dick out.

Get your belt, get your belt.

Get your pussy out, get your pussy out.

Not only do I have the fuel
of Kenny Powers inside of me...

...I now have all of Shane's
fucking powers too.

So anyone who wants to step up
to this shit...

... better recognize.

Not that one.
We already heard that one.

This next song is the one
for this part of the funeral.

This is Shane's favorite song, guys.

I came twice.

Me too. Oh.

Yeah.

- You should get off me now.
- Really?

Sorry. I have to...

- I gotta go.
- No, stay.

- No, no. Watch the funeral.
- Please.

Watch the funeral.

This funeral is my brother's.

- I love you.
- No, you don't.

Oh, God.

Just grab him. Grab him, grab him.

Grab him, grab him.

- Kenny, give it up!
- This is what Shane would have wanted.

Give it! Unh!

I'm still alive.

Come on, man.

Stevie!

Stevie!

What's with the human chain?
You guys trying to play Red Rover?

It's a funny thing, Kenny.

The VIN number on your truck
matches Shane's VIN number.

- You don't even like him.
- Get out of the fucking truck.

Jesus Christ.

Goddamn moron. Fucking...

He gave it to me.

He gave it to me!

What the hell is that smell?

I puked myself.

Oh, Jesus.

I left my mobile, cellular smartphone
in the center console.

Please call it.

It went to voice-mail.

Hello, uh, Kenny's phone.

Uh... Well, I believe this is Cole.

Uh... This is Steve. Did--? Uh...

That's my phone.
Now nobody has a phone.

That was dumb, Kenny.
Now nobody has a phone.

Where is this battery?

Now nobody has a phone.

How about a bedtime story?

After all my years
as a travelling salesman...

...I finally was gonna get into;
the Mile High Club.

When I unzipped my pants
and slipped my...

...Pixy Stix
into her Barbie Dream House...

...I thought I would blow
my Big League Chew.

Instead, I concentrated on her huge...

party balloons and pepperonis.

And when I inserted a finger
into her Play-Doh factory...

to shoot my pacifier-Q...

all over her beautiful, shaved

Her beautiful, shaved lamp.

Then I shook the porridge...

...off of my LEGO sword
and smiled warmly...

...knowing she was satisfied
by her shivering...

...baby crib.

The end.