Early Edition (1996–2000): Season 2, Episode 10 - A Bris Is Just a Bris - full transcript

Chuck begins dating a rabbi, and is compelled to tell the truth around her and be honest in his dealings with others. This creates a myriad of problems, forcing him to break up with her. Gary saves the life of an accident prone librarian several times in one day, and she falls head-over-heels in love with him. Unfortunately, Gary's cook at McGinty's was planning on asking the librarian out. Becoming jealous of Gary, he quits, but is hired back as Gary tries to be a matchmaker for the young lovers.

(traffic passing, horns honking)

All right, I'll call her!

Hey, lady, watch it!

Trying to get
yourself killed?!



Hey, lady,
look out!

Excuse me, ma'am.

Hey, you may want
to take your head

out of that book
once in a while.


(theme music playing)

CHUCK: What if you
knew, beyond a doubt,

what was going
to happen tomorrow?

What would you do?

There's no easy answer

for a guy
who gets tomorrow's news today.

Come say hello to Aunt Estelle.

(baby crying)

Say hi!

Hurry up, Justin.

You're gonna miss it.

Why do I have
to do the video?

Why can't
Grandpa Jerry?

'Cause Grandpa Jerry's
the sandek.

The what?
The sandek.

He gets to hold the baby while
the mohel does the procedure.

Lucky him.

Hey, Justin, who's
your favorite uncle?

You are,
Uncle Chuck.

That's right.
And don't you forget it.

You need a haircut.

Join the army, son.

I can't believe I'm
related to that guy.

(doorbell rings) MAN: Couldn't they
have done this in the hospital?

WOMAN: It's tradition.

Besides, they say it's
totally painless.

The baby doesn't
feel a thing.

Mom, go over there.
(doorbell rings)

WOMAN: Will somebody
please get the door?!

(indistinct chattering)


Whoa, Chuck, what
are you doing here?

What am I doing here?
These are my people.

That's my third cousin
about to get it...

What are you doing here?

Th-th-that's why I'm here.

MOHEL: The whole thing will be
over in a matter of seconds.

Oh, my God.
The poor kid.

Hey, you gotta
help me, huh?

CHUCK: Oh, my God.

I can't even
pronounce that word.

Stop the mohel!

Hey, watch the camera!

How dare you interrupt
this ceremony?!

Look, this man's sick.
He needs medical attention.

Are you a doctor? I'm not
sick; I resent that!

Look at this guy! He's an
accident waiting to happen.

I appreciate the advice,
Chuck, but you know what?

I am a doctor. I'm board
certified in cardiology...

Here we go.

Every function I gotta hear
about Arnie the doctor.

"Chuck, why can't you be
a doctor, like Arnie?"

MOHEL: Oh! I'm sorry!
I'm sick of it, Arnie!

You know, I... you know,
actually I don't...

Sit down.
I don't feel so good.

No, I'll be all right.
Somebody call a paramedic.

Look, there's one outside.
MOHEL: So soon?

How can that be?

He was in the neighborhood.

I'm gonna be all right, doctor.

Oh, my God.

If that had happened
during the bris...

Fishman, you know what you did?

You saved my son's, uh...

Thank you.

Yeah, don't mention it.

Is, uh, is he gonna be okay?

You were terrific.

Oh, it was nothing.

Do I know you?

Uh, my name is, uh,
Chuck, Chuck Fishman.

I'm Arnie's cousin.

Ellen Goodman.


Ellen, and how do you
know, uh, Arnie and Ilene?

I'm their rabbi.

I should be going
to temple more often.


(lively opera playing loudly)

Music's a little loud,
don't you think?


The music, it's a little
loud, don't you think?

It's not my music.


Ah, Mr. Hobson.

Just the man
I wanted to see.

The music?

It's good, yes?

It's loud.

Love song.

You have to play it loud.

Yeah, well, Tony, the
neighbors are complaining.

Oh, yes.

The walls, they are thin.

Everything you hear.

Yeah, but, Tony, they're
calling in from Skokie.


Now you make a tease.

But for you, Mr. Hobson,
I turn the music down.

And, uh, maybe you
do me a favor.

What is that?

Hamburger patties.

I call it heart-burger.


It is obvious, no?

It is shaped like a heart.

That's not what I mean, Tony.

What I'm asking you is,

why are you making
hamburger hearts?

Because my own heart
is bursting with happiness.

Which brings me to the favor.

Today is the day, Mr. Hobson.

After today, nothing
will be the same.

Why is that?

Because, today, I am a man.

I'm going to ask Miss Abby,
the woman of my dreams,

if she will go out with me.

Oh, that's very nice.

That's wonderful.

What's the favor?

Ah, I need the afternoon off.

You need the whole afternoon
off to ask a girl out?

Well, I need time to prepare.


Hey, Mario?

Hey, where's Mario?

Where'd he go?

Now, look...
I beg you.

I never ask you for another
favor in my entire life.

Look, get up off your feet.

Would you just be back
by dinner, huh?

Molto grazie.

You are a God among men.

Hey, Tony, how you doing?

How else could I be?

I am in love.

I drip with happiness.

Dripped all over me.

Me, too.

Listen, I got
to talk to you.

I got trouble.

What kind of trouble?

Big trouble.

It's the rabbi.

What rabbi?

From yesterday.

Oh, the nice rabbi
from yesterday?

Nice? Gare, she's
more than nice.

That is one hot rabbi.

I mean, you expect
that kind of look from a nun.

You know, like Julie Andrews
or Sally Field,

but a rabbi?

I can't get her out of my head.

So what's your problem?


She's a rabbi.

Oh. Well,
rabbis can date.

Can't they?

She talks to God.

Chuck, phone call.

Who is it?

Rabbi Ellen.

There you go.

(clears throat)


Hello, Miss Abby.

I'm glad to see you.

You are?

I'm always glad to see you.

You're my big success story.

I am?

I've turned you into a lover.

Yes. Yes!

A book lover.

Yes... books.


And I love
to see that.

Someone who loves books
as much as I do.


Well, um, I...
I wanted to, uh, ask you...

You have Great Expectations.

Yes! How, how, how do you know?

You checked it out last week.

Ah, Dickens.


That little Pip,
he has such spunk.

(both laughing)

Is there anything
I can help you with?


I-I wanted to ask you, uh...

I-I wanted to ask you...


What I mean to say is...

Do you have any more


(cat mews)

Don't make
a mess of it, huh?

Buddy, I am floating.

Got a date
with the rabbi, huh?

She could be the one.

A chance encounter
of biblical proportions.

Two lonely people
meet at a bris,

and it's all because of you.


If you hadn't
crashed that party,

none of this would've happened.

I could kiss you.

No, you don't have to do that.

Come here, you little cutie.

Stop that.
What's wrong with you?

I got things to do,
I tell you.

"Woman impaled by sword.

Juggler's act proves deadly."

Hey, you! Park's closed.

Shooting a commercial.

Hold it right there.

Where are my extras?

Where are my extras?
Where are they?

Camera's ready!


Look at that
man over there.


Hey! Come back here!

Hey, you!


Stop right there!





(crowd gasps)

You all right?
Oh, my God, I almost...


Abby, are you all right?

You're Abby?


Your Abby?

You... saved my life.

(horse neighs)

I just want you
to know, Mr. Hobson,

I had everything
under control.

You know, I-I could
have saved her.

Well, I know you
could have, Tony.

Abby was never
in any danger.

I-I-I was ready.
And I realize that now.

I just happened to be there, and I just...
I could have run like that.

I am very fast.

Tony, uh, just to make one
thing clear, though, you know,

I'm not trying to move in
on your... territory.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Well, I'm talking about Abby.

You know, it was, it was the right
place, right time kind of thing.

But of course.

Abby is, she is
not my property.

I mean, if you were
to try and uh, woo her,

impress her with your horseback
riding bravado, I couldn't.

No, no, wait.

No, but I'm not
trying to do that, okay?

Sure, sure, sure.
Okay. Oh, yeah.

Hey, how you doin'?

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What, what's with all that?

You ever read the Talmud?

No, I can't say I have.

Oh, there's no
way I'm gonna

get through this
thing before tonight.

Oh, I was hoping to
find out how it ended.

I can't even read Hebrew.

Well, why this?

Gotta cram.

I gotta figure out how

I'm gonna fill two hours
of conversation with a rabbi.

Why don't you try
talking to her?

I'm making a horrible
mistake, aren't I?

I mean, who are we kidding here?

Me and a rabbi?

I skipped out
on my own bar mitzvah.

I ended up going to a movie...

Any Which Way
But Loose.

I loved that monkey.

Hey, Chuck,
can I ask you something?

Two hours ago,
you were floating.

Now all of a sudden...

It's a disaster.
It's Chernobyl. I'm doomed.

It's all your fault.
My fault?

If it weren't for you, I would
have never met that rabbi.

Now, wait a second.
You're not shoving

this responsibility
off on me, pal.

Yeah, you. You and that
stupid paper of yours.

I gotta go.

Sure, leave me now...

now that I'm pouring
my guts out to you.

What do you want me
to do for you?

I want your advice.
Now tell me,

what would you do
if you were in my situation?

Well, I wouldn't tell her
about the bar mitzvah.



Oh, you, you, you must
be looking for Tony.

I came here to see you.

To thank you.

Well, you already did.

Not for this
morning, I didn't.

Excuse me?

You saw me on the street.

You told me to take
my head out of my book.

I knew I had
seen you before.

You may not believe me,

but I've seen you
many times before.

Oh, well, that, that's because
I get around town, Abby.

Look, I'm kind of busy right now.
Not in the flesh.


In my dreams, Gary.

That's where I've seen you.

I read a lot.
I'm, I'm a librarian.

Oh, of course, you know
that already, don't you?

Could I have a drink?

Uh, maybe some coffee, or water?

We're out.

But of course, there's a...
there's a coffee shop

on the way to the library, and
they have fantastic espresso.

TONY: Bastardo. Tony.

No speak.

It is not important
what you say.

You are a snake
in the grass.

Miss Abby, I... I...

GARY: Tony, this isn't
what it looks like.

Tony, Tony. Oh.

Poor Tony.

He's such a sweet man.

I could hardly believe he'd
get so angry about anything.

You know, Abby, you
shouldn't underestimate Tony,

'cause Tony, he's
very passionate. He's...

So am I, Gary.
Can, can I admit something?


I read... romance novels.

Does that shock you?

Does that shock me?

Well, no, it doesn't, but...

Pretty silly, huh?

I mean, I did my doctoral
thesis on Russian poets.

Yeah, well, right now, I've got
a crisis in the kitchen.

I-I speak four languages.

I spend my days surrounded
by the classics:

Dante, Dostoyevsky, Dickens.

Great, great books,
every one of them.

But not the kind of books
you'd want to take to bed.

It is hot in here.

You don't want to take your coat
off, because it's cold outside.

Did I tell you we're closing early today?
Do you believe in fate, Gary?

Que sera sera.

What will be will be.
That nothing can change it?


But Tony does.
And Tony's right...

Do you believe that
if two people

were meant to find each other,
they will.

Yes, I believe in that.

Oh! Shh, say no more.

Abby, listen to me.

Je dois retourner
à la bibliothèque.

Oh, my God, I'm speaking French.

I-I do that when
I get excited.

Yeah, Abby, you, you...

Au revoir, mon ami.

I did it again.

I did it. I...

Good-bye, Gary.


Who was that?

Th-That was a woman
that I helped today.


She thinks it's fate.

She thinks we're supposed
to be together.

Maybe she's right.
Maybe it is fate.

No, it's not fate.

She's accident-prone.


She's in love.

She's in love
with the wrong guy.

She's supposed to be
in love with Tony.

So what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna fix it.

(piano playing mellow jazz)

♪ I wanna be around

♪ To pick up the pieces...

Hey, can you turn it
down a little bit?

♪ When somebody breaks your heart...
♪ No. Please, what are you doing?

(music stops)

Look, Tony, I didn't know she
was gonna come by the bar.

This morning,
I didn't even know

that was the woman
you were talking about.

Well, how could I?

Do you see the way
she looks at you?

No, I hadn't noticed.

It is like
once upon a time,

someone asked her the most
important question in the world

and when she looks at you,
she sees the answer.

Well, no,
I bet you're wrong there.

Not about this.

I go to the library.

Twice a week, I see her.

She recommends books.

Some are good, and some
I do not understand.

But I read them all.

Not for the stories,
but, uh...

to see what she sees
when she reads them.

So when I read the books, it's
like she's in the room with me.

Tony, have you told Abby this?

I try.

But the words,
they... they get stuck,

right here, I know.

I-I'm not like you,
Mr. Hobson.

I don't ride stallions,

and I don't rescue women
from falling swords.

How do you do that?

Look, Tony, uh,

words... everyone,
their words, they get stuck.

Well, if you
don't tell Abby,

you're, you're never gonna know
how Abby really feels.

You are right.

I will try.

Well, no, Tony, don't try...
do it.

I will do it.

I will tell her how I feel.



WOMAN (over P.A.):
Attention, library patrons.

The library is now closed.

Tony, we're closing.

Miss Abby, I need
to ask you something.

Oh, sure.
More recommendations?

You have changed my life, Abby.

Tony... No, no,
no, no, no, wait.

It's hard for me
to get these words out.

And if I don't do it now,
I may never do it,

and then I
will be lost.

So, please, let me finish.

Abby, ever since the time
I first saw you,

I have been
living a lie.

I tell myself it is just
an infatuation, Tony.

It, it will pass.

But I know it is not true.

I tell myself it is okay

not to know if she
shares my feelings.

That it is better not to know.

To hope that she does is enough.

More lies.

It is not enough, Abby.

And I have to know.

Probably you feel you do
not know me very well,

but I love you,

Abby, and I
have to know.

How do you feel?

So you want to tell
me what happened?

"Feelings are not negotiable."

What's that?

It is what Abby said
when I told her how I felt.

She said that she was sorry.

She wished she could return
my feelings, but she could not.

"Are you sure," I asked her.

"Have you looked
inside your heart?"

She shook her head.

"Feelings are not negotiable."


Tony, maybe you should
give her some more time.

You are not listening,
Mr. Hobson.

She told me she is not
in love with me.

She's in love with you.

I was better off before

when at least I
still had hope.

Well, now wait
a second, Tony.

Now, listen...

If it's all right
with you, Mr. Hobson,

I wish to be alone
with my misery.


All right.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Biggest idiot in
the world? Fishman.

That'd be Fishman, too.

What's wrong with him?

Bad date.

Spill it.

I blew it.

I completely blew it.

It was like I left part
of my brain at home.

Oh, come on, it couldn't
have been that bad.

Gary, I told the truth.

You told the, the...
the truth about what?

About everything.

So uh, did you have
a good day?

Oh, yeah.
It was busy.

Uh, I had a funeral
this morning.

And then a
board meeting.

And then I helped three
students back-to-back

on their bar mitzvah

I skipped mine.


My bar mitzvah.
I skipped it.

I thought you should know.

That, that's okay, Chuck.

I'm not a religious cop.
I'm just a rabbi.

I don't speak Greek either.


I didn't assume that you did.

I'm just telling you that
because the last time I was here

in this restaurant,
I was on a date

with this gorgeous model.

Anyway, I tried to impress her
by ordering in Greek.

Before she arrived, I had
a little chat with the waiter.

He told me what to say.

You, you didn't tell her
about your brother

and the candy at Halloween?

Oh, yeah. That came out
before the appetizers.

When I was a kid,

I stole my little brother's
Halloween candy.

He was on crutches; broken leg.

You know how hard
that little guy had to work

to get that candy?


I don't know.

There I was,
sitting across from a rabbi,

and it was like God himself
was listening in.

I-I-I... that was it.

I was just compelled
to tell the truth.

She's never gonna want
to see me again.

(phone rings)

It was like fate
brought us together,

and the truth tore us apart.

Hey, Chuck?


I'm so ashamed.

Gary Hobson.

Huh? Yeah.
Oh, that's...

What's that?

A rump roast.
What's it look like?

It's your lucky
night, lover boy.

Hey, sign here.

Who from?



(man blows nose)

Excusa. I go home now.

Oh, are you feeling better,

My heart is like a tenderloin
on a spit.

Well, I-I'm I'm sure you'll
feel better in the morning.

I do not think so.

But thank you for saying that.

CHUCK: Gare, you're not
gonna believe this.

She wants
to see me again.

The rabbi.
Ooh, those are beautiful.


Who are they from,


Now look, Tony, I...

CHUCK: Hey, don't
worry about him.

Listen, back to me.
The rabbi called.

She told me
that I was one

of the most interesting guys
she's ever met.

We got another date.

You know what?

This truth thing,

I, I think there might be
something to it.

Now what am I gonna do
about Abby?

My advice?
Try the truth.

GARY: Now look, Abby, I
don't want to hurt you,

but here it is...

I don't share your feelings.

You're trying to protect me.

No, I'm not trying
to protect you.

What I'm saying is...

You're married,
aren't you?


You've got a wife, and you
don't love her anymore.

Maybe you never did,
but she's sick.

That's it!
She's-she's dying!

And even,
even if she wasn't,

you would never leave her

because you made
a commitment to her.

And in a world of broken
promises and shattered dreams,

you are the kind of man that
stands by his commitment!

Yeah, but, Abby, listen.
No, I'm not married.

I, I was married.



She died!

She left you alone

with a lifetime
of memories.


I know.
You have suffered.

But life has given you
a second chance,

and you must
grab it, Gary!

Grab it with both hands!

(doorbell rings)


Ellen, hi.

I'm sorry I'm early, but I was
in the neighborhood and I...

No, that's not true.

Uh, actually, I, I just
couldn't wait to see you.

I'm glad.

Well, come in.


Uh, these are
for you.

Oh, Chuck,
they're beautiful.

Well, let me go put them
in some water.


Do you want something
to drink?

No, I'll wait until we,
uh, we have dinner.


Well, why don't you take off
your jacket

and make yourself comfortable?

Oh, they're
really beautiful.

I've always loved roses.


who's Abby?


This card, it says,
"To Gary, From Abby".

Let me see that.

Oh, the stupid florist.

They must have changed
the orders...

And I had roses, too.

No, that's not true.

Actually, uh, these were
sent to my partner,

and it didn't seem like he
wanted 'em, so I took 'em.


I mean, I figured
why waste the 50 bucks?

Not that you're not worth
50 bucks.

Gosh, you're worth much more
than 50 bucks.

You're worth a million
billion zillion dollars.

Chuck, it's okay.

I like a man
who's practical...

who's honest.

I like you.

You do?

Just, um, get rid
of the card next time.


Mr. Hines, my name is
Chuck Fishman,

and, uh, I'm the guy
that dinged

your blue Mercedes
last weekend.

Well, uh, actually,
it was more than dinged.

I, I imagine you need
a whole new door.

Anyway, I can be reached
at McGinty's Bar.

And, uh, we're listed
in the phone book. Thank you.


What was that all about?

The truth, Gare.

The whole truth,
and nothing but.

I'm telling you, it's...
it's gonna be my new motto.

So, you're clicking
with the rabbi, huh?

Oh, yeah. The truth...
what a concept.

How's it going with Abby?

Oh, I told her the, the truth.

It didn't work.

Yeah, well, the truth's
not for everyone.

Oh, I'm in a real mess.

Abby thinks you're a hero,

Yeah. It's not me,
it's the paper.

What if the paper made someone
else a hero for a change?

If the paper thought
someone else was a hero...

You mean Tony?

And down comes the duck.

Wait a second.
Now, the paper comes to me.

I'm not supposed
to loan out the paper.

What? It comes with
instructions? I don't think so.

Well, no,
it doesn't, but...

Look, the paper got
you into this mess,

let it help you get out of it.

Well, how do you suppose
it's gonna do that?

Boy meets girl.
Boy loses girl.

Boy gets paper.

Paper helps boy
get girl back.

Gary loses girl. End credit.

Well, I-I suppose, yeah,
I-if it was a small story.

Something, uh,
something minor.

Something harmless.

Something, uh,
like this.

I don't understand.

Wh-What do you
want me to do?

I just want you
to watch after her.

It's a dangerous park,

and I don't want anything
to happen to her.

What is going
to happen?

Well, nothing's
gonna happen to her, Tony,

because you're gonna
be watching her.

I'll be right back.

Oh, eshpet!
Una momente.

Thanks, Tony.

What, Mister?

I don't understand.


Oh, Gary.

I am sorry I'm late.

Would you like
to take a stroll?

Lead on, MacDuff.

Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

Here, pretty baby.

Come on, pretty baby.

Come on.
Here's the corn.

Come on. Come on.

There's 500 benches
in this park,

and you've got to pick mine.

I told you,

all the pigeons are here.

What are you doing, Gloria?

I told you, don't feed
the pigeons at my bench.

Oh, leave me
alone, Herb.

You don't own
the bench.

Give me the pigeon food.

Hey! Hey, what are you doing?!
That's my purse!

Yeah, I knew you'd call.

Call it fate,
call it intuition.

I was looking at the phone,

and I got one
of those tingly feelings.

You ever get
one of those?

Look, Abby, I-I don't
think you heard

what I was trying to say
in the library.

Oh, my God, look!

GARY: That man's trying to steal
that woman's purse, Abby.

Aren't you gonna stop him?

Me? No, I'm not gonna
get involved.

I'm not the hero type.

Why, look, look,

that, that looks
like Tony.

That is Tony.

Now that's a brave man.

Unhand that purse,
you scoundrel!

What are you...



That's the wrong
purse snatcher.

I'm trying to help you!

(blow lands)


What are you doing?!

Oh, girls,
take a look at a real hero.


So I, uh, take it
your experiment

of turning Tony into a hero
didn't go too well, huh?

Train wreck.

Yeah, that's what
I figured.

Thought you had a date
with a rabbi.

Oh, yeah. She invited me
to her service; her gig.

I left early.

Isn't that kind of,
uh, frowned upon?

I couldn't take it anymore.

You should have heard
her sermon.

We all know the story of Daniel;
thrown into the lion pit,

kept alive by the virtue
of his honesty.

Tonight I want to talk
about the Daniels among us;

people who can teach us
something about the truth.

And I want to talk
about one man in particular.

This is a man who is not afraid

to admit that he cries

And this is a man who has no
need to create a fake persona,

a shield.

This is a man who, who's proud
to show the world his flaws.

Yes, um, he can be shallow,
but honestly shallow.

And yes, like the rest of us,
he can be superficial, vain,

but honest about it.
Always honest.

Like this time he took his date
to a Greek restaurant...

Obviously, she likes you.

I mean, the guy she's
describing, it's you.

That's just it.

I couldn't stand the guy
she was describing.

Who could?

I'd like to track
that guy down

and beat the living snot
out of him.

That guy is
ruining it

for everyone else.

He's raising the bar to a level
of impossible heights.

He's a wimp, a loser and a jerk.

And worst of all, Gare,

the guy she was talking about
was me.

MAN: Fishman. I'm looking
for Chuck Fishman.

What do you need?

I'm looking for Chuck Fishman.

Who are you?


Chester Hines.

Fishman trashed my Mercedes.

Which one is he?





Put this on.

What's that?

It's my heart.


Believe me, couple of weeks,
no one will notice.

That guy was pretty fast
for his size, huh?

What happened to
the new Chuck?

You know, the truth,
the whole truth,

nothing but the
truth Chuck.

It got old.



You do not say a word to me!

Chuck, someone's looking
for you up front.

Tell you what, I'm gonna
let you two have your privacy.


(groans softly)

Look, Tony, what-what happened
today at the park,

it was all a mistake.

It was my mistake.


The only mistake was me thinking
that a woman like Abby

would ever be interested
in a man like me.

Congratulations, Mr. Hobson.

You've won.

But I beg you,
take good care of Abby.


Where you going?

To Palermo,
where I will sit and wait

for word that you have died.

until you do,

no man stands a chance
with Abby!

I'll finish packing
in the morning.


"Fatal accident at library,
woman crushed.

"A woman was crushed to death
yesterday morning

"at the Chicago Public Library,
when a hanging mobile

"fell from the ceiling.

"The victim was attending
a weekly meeting

of the Bronte reading society."

(women screaming)



The-the Nelson Reading Room,

the-the Bronte reading society,
they're meeting today?


Where are they doing that?

At the end
of that hall.

ARLENE: "...were so angry, they
flung me out onto the heath

on top of Wuthering Heights."





(speaking French)

Not now, Abby.


Get out of the way!


"I am..."

Hey, lady, get out of
the way, would you?



(women screaming)


ABBY: You, you'll just
save anyone, won't you?


You're just
an indiscriminate saver.

Excuse me?

No, no, don't try that
puppy dog look on me.

Save it for
the Bronte society women

or the, or the Jane Austin
group; they'll be here at 3:00.

Maybe you'll get lucky, one of
them will have a coronary.


Look, Abby...

I thought what we
had was special.

We don't have anything.

That's what I've been trying to
tell you, but you don't listen!

Well, I'm
listening now.

Oh, no...

Look, Abby,
you're a very smart woman.

I... you've memorized more books
than-than I'll ever read,

but-but for such a smart woman,
sometimes you can be very dense.

What is that
supposed to mean?

Well, it means,
open up your eyes.

You blew it.

Look, there's a guy out there
who-who's in love with you.

A real guy, not-not a romance
novel guy, but-but a guy who,

a guy who would give
up his life for you.

And-and I think, if you
just lift your eyes up

out of your book
and-and look around,

I think you might feel
the same way for him.

(clears throat)

I got to go.

I like you, Ellen.

I really do.

It's just...

I'm gonna get
right to the point here.

You and me,
it's not gonna work out.


I can't do it anymore.

The problem...

the problem is that the truth...

and I mean this literally...

the truth hurts.

Oh, God, how did that happen?!

Ever since I met you,

my life has taken
a turn for the weird.

The weird?

You've had a tremendous impact
on me, Ellen.

You've changed my life.

And I don't like it.


Last week, I dented
a guy's blue Mercedes.

And, uh, like an idiot,
I gave him my name.

He came to see me yesterday.

And he hit you in the face?

No, not me.

He popped my best friend Gary.

It was the guy
who came in after him.

The cable guy,

the former cable guy.

I gave him 50 bucks
to get free HBO two years ago.

So I called
the cable company because,

you know, total honesty,

and I told them
exactly what happened.

He lost his job, and, uh,
he wanted to talk things over.

So, you're-you're
breaking up with me

because when you're with me,


Compulsively honest.



I see.

certainly a new one.


(clears throat)

I'm sorry, Chuck.

Well, I'll be seeing you around.

You mean that?


Maybe on the high holidays.

Buy a ticket.


"Dear Miss Abby,

"I am finally through
with Great Expectations.

"I apologize for its lateness.

"Attached, please find
my overdue fine of $1.24.

"Thank you for all
your book recommendations.

"You're a kind
and patient woman.

"I am returning to Sicily,

"but I will
think of you fondly.

"My feelings remain

Thank you.

Ah, that's cold.

So it's all over
for Tony, huh?

That's too bad.

Love is tough.

Oh, you got
that right, Robin.

You know,
there are some mysteries

that-that will
never be solved.

(door opens)

Here comes
one of them right now.

Excuse me.



Uh, we're kind of busy
right now, so...

Actually, I was here
to see Tony.


Uh, Tony's back
in the kitchen.


he's cleaning out his stuff.



What are you...?

I made a mistake.

I thought I had fallen in love
with a hero.

But I had no idea

what a hero
really was.

Anyone can run around and save
princesses from burning castles.

That doesn't take a hero,
it just takes good timing.

But two days ago,
I met a real hero,

a man who had the courage
to stand in front

of the woman he loved
and show her his heart.

Can you forgive me?

Well, somebody pack my bags.

I'm going straight to hell.

I did it,
I dumped the rabbi.

You got socked in
the eye by a rabbi?

Well, not quite.

It's a, it's a long,
complicated story, Gary.




I'll get you another one.

You know, Gare,
this love stuff...

it's-it's not
all it's cracked up to be.

Right now, I am inclined
to agree with you.


You do nice work.


Hey, Gare,

you have a visitor.

(door closes)

(pool balls clacking)

Gary Hobson?

Can I help you?

I just wanted to thank you
for saving my life.


Uh, I, uh...