Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 5, Episode 6 - Who Is The Memory Thief Pt 2 - full transcript

Dwight: 'Kay guys, this
oughtta get you up to speed.

Principal Shoemaker,
what happened?

- 'Twas a speed demon.

- A speed demon?

Brodogg: Don't you remember?

Dwight: Why were we
in the faculty men's room?

Sharing a stall?

Why are we dressed
like football players?

Why do I have a bunny
in a bag?

Why is Jacopo unconscious
dressed as Woodie the Woodchuck

in a trash can?



Why don't we remember anything?

- Someone has stolen
our memories.

Jacopo: That is the villain.

Dwight: Guys, we know
who the memory thief is.

[intense music]

Principal Shoemaker:
Well, you're certainly

a very strong candidate,
Mr. Hammond,

but as you can see,

we've had a lot
of applications

for this position, so...

- Well, don't let that worry ya.

Principal Shoemaker: Huh?

- I'll just take those.

Principal Shoemaker: Those
are confidential, Mr. Hammond.



- Uh-huh.

Principal Shoemaker: Excuse me.

[high-pitched whirring]

- Uh, hey!

What are you doing?

[whirring continues]

Principal Shoemaker:
Hey! Mr. Hammond, what--

- I'm almost finished here.

I'm an intensely
competitive person.

You could say
it's my great fault.

Hm.

There it is.

No changing it.

I hate to lose.

- I have no idea

what you thought you'd get out
of that little prank,

but I can guarantee
you will never work

at Woodside High.

This interview is over,
Mr. Hammond.

- Uh, not quite.

- Uh.

- Principal Shoemaker!

- Yes!

Both: [chuckling]

- Hi!

- Mr. Hammond.

Mr. Hammond: Yes!

- Oh, glad to meet you.

Please, have a seat.

Mr. Hammond: Thank you.

- So, I gotta, I gotta level
with you, Mr. Hammond.

[sigh]

I thought that I'd have
a stack of applications

here on my desk
for this position,

but as you can see
it's only you.

And frankly, we're in a pickle.

Uh, Miss Hernandez
just up and left mid-semester.

- Did she really?

Principal Shoemaker: We need
a history teacher ASAP.

When could you start?

- How about tomorrow?

[clap]

- Great!

Welcome to Woodside High.

- Excellent.

Dwight: Okay, so
about a thousand years ago,

there was this princess, Gretta,
and she was in big trouble

'cause she had lots of enemies

and not a lot of friends.

So, her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.

It put everyone
in the woods to sleep

until a champion would come,

break the spell with his kiss

and deal with Gretta's
big, scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Ah!

Instead,

[kiss]

they got me.

Ah!

♪

Ow!

♪

♪

Mr. Hammond: Good morning,
history buffs!

I'm Mr. Hammond,

and I'm your new teacher
for this World History class.

Let's get right into it.

History,
what do we mean by that?

We talk about history?

Gretta: [light snore]

- [clears throat]

Uh, Gretta Besieged?

Gretta: [loud snore]

- Good morning, Gretta.

Gretta: [clears throat]

- Here we are again.

Like so many times before.

But this time, make no mistake,
I will win, and you...

will lose.

Gretta, can you tell us
what you think history means?

- Certainly, uh,
a record kept by scribes

of a bygone time detailing acts
of valor or villainy.

[bell rings]

Mr. Hammond: Hey there, Gretta.

Um, do either of your parents
have any flexibility

in their schedule?

Gretta: I shouldn't think so,

the one is dead
and the other is an oak tree.

- But her guardian
is pretty much available

pretty much all the time.

- Well, um, please give this
to your uh, guardian, and uh,

let me know
if tonight could work?

[flutter]

- Tonight?

Ah, Mr. Hammond,
this is my court magician--

Mr. Hammond: Oh,
I know who you are.

[shink]

Gretta: Uh!

Mr. Hammond: One move,
and he dies.

[metallic ring]

You're the only magician
in history

to have ever built
a scrying pool.

Surely you remember how.

Baldric: [echoey] I am sworn
to protect you, princess.

Princess!

Gretta: Baldric!

[gasp]

Baldric: I'm sworn
to protect you, princess.

To give my very life.

[echoing] ever give life,
ever give life, ever give life

You should not
have come here.

- I need just one memory.

The one you're hiding
behind that door.

[shink]

[explosion]

[yells]

Mr. Hammond: Uh!

Gretta: Ha!

[clank]

Who are you?

Mr. Hammond: [chuckles]

Someone you've forgotten.

Thanks so much for coming in

for our little parent
teacher powwow.

Baldric: Ah.

Mr. Hammond: Have a seat,
let's get started.

Baldric: Hm.
Gretta: [happy gasp]

♪

♪

♪

♪

Speed Demon: Mm,

[wild growl]

[manic laughter]

- What are you doing here?

Speed Demon: [gibberish]

[gobbling]

- I pray your patience.

We're close.

- I found him.

But the memory I need
is not so easily stolen.

He's protecting it.

I'll need time.

Speed Demon: [growling]

Woohooooo.

Gretta: Bring on the biffels!

Pip, pip.

Baldric: Pip, pip.

[clears throat]

Hm?

- Oh, oh, me, yep.

[clears throat]

Hi.

Gretta: Behold
the Rogemorian national pastry.

[swelling power]

[splat]

[pops and exclamations]

Gretta: [gasp]

[splat]

Mr. Hammond: You know,

it's been ages
since I've had a biffel.

Must have been
your third birthday party.

But I'm not here
to share old memories.

I'm here to steal one.

Mr. Hammond: [growl to yell]

[thunderous crash]

Baldric: You should not
have come here!

[shattering]

- Ah!

Mr. Hammond: [groan]

[clang]

- You can't keep me out forever.

- Who are you?

- Don't worry about it.

[sweeping]

Jacopo: Come!

Honored guests, feast
at my buffet of little brunches.

Try them all.

Eat!

Enjoy.

[Fwwp-shh]

Mr. Hammond: Sh.

[Shh-fwwp]

Dwight: Hey, Mr. Hammond.

It's so good to see you.

Mr. Hammond:
[awkward chuckle]

- Grab some more food,
the show's about to start.

Relax, and be appreciated.

Gretta: Good morrow,
Mr. Hammond.

Do have an orange juice.

Mr. Hammond: Oo.

Principal Shoemaker:
Prepare to be amazed.

[applause]

Principal Shoemaker:
Joining us today exclusively

for our Teacher
Appreciation Brunch,

I present to you,
the one, and only,

Brodogg the Astonishing.

[applause]

[explosion]

Brodogg: Oh!

[chuckles loudly]

[applause]

Baldric: Huzzah!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

- Who of you peasants

would like to see
a little magic?

[skittering]

[fwap]

- What could be in here?

Huh?

[Fwp]

Mr. Hammond: No, wait, not him!

[crashing]

Brodogg: Uh, hup.

[distressed noises]

Get him off!

Get it off!

Baldric: Oh.

- Get him off!

Brother, get him out of here.

[clunk]

[skittering, bang]

[group gasps]

- Woohoo!

[claps]

[scattered clapping]

- Sweet heaven.

- The speed demon!

- Not that magician,

that magician!

- [maniacal laugh]

- [screams]

- Wait.

[clattering]

Speed Demon:
[maniacal laugh]

Baldric: [screaming]

[skittering]

Speed Demon: [maniacal laughing]

Baldric: [screaming]

Dwight: Baldric!

[screaming and
laughter continue]

- Give chase!

[splat]

Principal Shoemaker: Woo hoo!

[slow clap]

[screaming and laughing]

- Can I have
everyone's attention, please?

Right up here.

All eyes on me.

[whooshing]

Principal Shoemaker:
Whoa, uh, what the.

What happened?

- Raccoons!

Someone must have left
a window open last night.

I'll go update
animal control.

Anyone think
they need a rabies shot?

No?

- Rabies?

[screaming, maniacal laughter]

[thud]

[slam]

[screaming]

- What was that thing?

- And where
is it taking Baldric?

- And who is
that angry fellow?

Dwight: Mr. Hammond?

Gretta: What's wrong?

Jacopo: RUN!

No!

[slam]

[distant clunk]

[clunk]

- Why is Mr. Hammond chasing us?

- And why does that creature
do his bidding?

Jacopo: And what does it want
with your fat man?

[rattling]

[banging]

Dwight: No, Gretta,

Gretta.

Gretta: Whoop!

Brodogg: It's all part
of the show.

It's all part of the show.

That was not part
of the show.

- What was that creature?

Brodogg: That was
a speed demon.

No doubt sent
by a rival magician

trying to make me
look like a fool.

Jacopo: And to ruin
my beautiful buffet of brunches.

- Okay, wait, a speed demon?

Brodogg: Oh, Foofoo.

You poor thing.

Hold Foofoo.

Dwight: Foofoo?

Brodogg: Anything broken,

I'm holding that speed demon
personally responsible.

- Oh, it's a bunny.

Oh, Gretta, look it's so cute.

Gretta: We'll eat him later,
Sir Dwight.

Dwight: Huh?

Gretta: Now we must find
Baldric.

[ominous music]

Jacopo: RUN!

Go!

[clunk]

Jacopo: [groan]

Oo-oo-oh.

[slam]

[shoe squeak]

[clang]

[clatter]

[breathing hard]

- Hey.

Dwight: Hey.

Gretta: Where is Baldric?

- Tied up in the basement.

Gretta: Who are you?

- Really?

You still haven't figured
that out?

I'm the memory thief.

Baldric: [struggling]

- Thanks so much
for your patience.

I do apologize
for keeping you waiting.

Baldric: You sir, are a villain,
and a rogue, and,

and you have no business
teaching youngsters.

- I agree.

The only thing keeping me
here is you.

I've spent more time
in your head

than anybody else's.

I think
I may finally understand you.

Me again.

- You should not have
come here!

- [chuckles]

[shink]

Ha!

[clang, clang]

Baldric: Yah!

[mild explosion]

Uh.

Mr. Hammond:
I will take them all.

Every memory you have of her.

- Don't.

Mr. Hammond: [grunt]

Baldric: Ah!

Mr. Hammond: [grunt]

Baldric: NOOO!

Uhh.

Uhh.

Uh.

[breathing hard]

Yah.

Uh.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

- And that's how
you reset a breaker,

if we ever blow a fuse again.

Baldric: Oh.

Mr. Hammond: Thanks so much
for your help, Mr. Baldric.

I gotta admit,

I hate going down in
that creepy basement alone.

Baldric: Happy to give you aid,
Mr. Hammond.

Mr. Hammond: Have a good one.

Baldric: Ah.

Jacopo: The speedy demon
took you away.

This Signore Hammond pursued us
and we assumed these disguises.

Gretta: Mr. Hammond?

Dwight: I didn't want
to believe it either,

but look he's the guy
giving the orders.

Baldric: But,

I just helped him reset
the breaker in his dungeon.

Dwight: His dungeon?

Baldric: Mmhm.

Gretta: Why on earth
would Mr. Hammond pursue us?

- Guys.

- And why would he be
in league with a speed demon?

- Guys!

Baldric: And now
that I think of it,

why would
a peasant schoolteacher

need a dungeon?

- Guys!

We know
who the memory thief is.

- Mr. Hammond.

- The scoundrel.

Baldric: Well,
that explains the dungeon.

Gretta: [scoffs]

Dwight: Wait,
where are you going?

- To confront
and capture the villain.

- Jacopo, make
for the princess's house.

Gretta: With all due stealth.

Baldric: If we haven't returned
within the hour,

ring the alarm bells.

- [steadying breath]

Hm.

As you command.

- And there will be
two short essays on--

Baldric: Be gone,
peasant youths.

- The jig is up, Mr. Hammond.

Dwight: If that's even
your real name.

- [laughs]

I'll be here
before first tomorrow

if you have any more questions.

That's right.

Baldric: Away with you.

- You're gonna do great!

So, doing this again, are we?

- What?

Baldric: Indeed, we are, sir.

Dwight: Wait,
what do you mean, again?

Gretta: We know who you are.

- Uh-huh.

Gretta: You are
the memory thief.

- So?

Dwight: So.

That's not cool!

- It actually is.

Super cool.

Baldric: Why have
you come here?

Gretta: And why are you
pilfering our memories?

- And why
are you pretending

to be a history teacher?

- All good questions.

I'll do my best
to answer them.

I came here to steal a memory
from you,

so that I could kill you.

And I just really enjoy history.

Well, that was fun.

Thanks so much for coming by.

You guys are gonna do great
on the quiz Monday.

You guys want
a Soup and Scoop gift card?

I'm doing a no sugar thing.

Baldric and Gretta:
[eager noises]

♪

- [breathing heavily]

Oh.

This is nice.

Ay!

Ay, uh.

Mama Mia.

Mama Mia!

No.

[distant laughing]

Jacopo: No.

Dwight: Oh, hey Jacopo!

- What happened?

Dwight: We got free ice cream.

- With Signore 'ammond?

Dwight: Oh, he says
we're ready for the quiz.

Baldric: Hm.

Jacopo: But. But.

Did you catch him?

- Catch whom?

- Signore Hammond.

The memory thief!

Baldric: Wha?

- See here!

Huh.

Ha!

No, ah ha!

- Floof.

- Come, we shall confront
and capture the villain.

- So, you've said before.

- He shan't escape
this time!

Dwight: Wait, wait, wait,
Mr. Hammond is the memory thief?

Jacopo: Ay!

Dwight: I don't believe it.

Baldric: You wait here.

- Eh.

Gretta: If we haven't returned
within the hour,

ring the alarm bells.

- Be on your guard,
he is a clever one.

Dwight: He should be in
his classroom until about 3:30.

We'd better hurry.

Baldric: Yeah.

[door shuts]

Dwight: Woo-ay.

All: [laughing]

Dwight: You know who's the best?

Baldric: Uh, Mr. Hammond?

Dwight: Right?

All: [laughing]

Dwight: Oh, hey Jacopo.

Gretta: We brought you
a smoovie.

- Signore 'ammond
is the memory thief!!

Dwight: Ah!

Gretta: [gasps]

Baldric: What?

- Si.

Dwight: I think
we need to change our strategy.

Baldric: Yes, we must confront
and capture the villain.

Jacopo: This you have
already done twice.

Dwight: And it looks like
about 50 times before that.

Jacopo: There can be
no confronting, no capturing.

Gretta: We need
professional help.

Ha.

He said there was a way
to steal our memories back,

when we knew the answer
to this question.

♪

- And so we do.

Dwight: At least
for right this second.

- We must see the Contrarian.

- Oh.

[ominous music]

[skittering]

- I have what we need.

Tell your mistress it is time.

Speed Demon: [maniacal laughter]

♪