Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 5, Episode 5 - Who Is The Memory Thief Pt 1 - full transcript

Dwight: Previously on Dwight
in Shining Armor...

Contrarian: Till today
I'd never encountered

the victim of a memory thief.

Now, I've encountered three
at once.

Baldric: You mean to say,

our memories
have been stolen?

Contrarian: They were taken

without your knowledge
or consent.

Gretta: Which of our memories
were stolen?

Contrarian: I couldn't say.

Find the thief.



[upbeat music]

- Ah.

[sucking noises]

Baldric: [humming]

Jacopo: You must make sure

these little brunches
are just so.

Dwight: All right,
everybody ready?

- Ah, champion boy!

Champion boy!

Behold, my beautiful buffet
of brunches.

- You mean
the brunch buffet?

Jacopo: So many little brunches
of many shapes and sizes.

See, we have
little muffin brunches,

and little pastry brunches



and tiny little
doughnutto brunches,

all made with the blood,
the sweat, and the tears

of my Swine and Slosh cook.

- Not literally the blood,
the sweat, and the tears though,

right?

- What is literally?

[phone ring tone]

- Doors open
in five minutes, everybody!

Remember
the Teacher Appreciation Brunch

is the one day a year
that we spoil our teachers,

so pile on the love, guys.

Oh, big smile, Gretta!

Gretta: Ah.

Dwight: Love the energy, Zeke!

Hairnet, Baldric!

Jacopo: Uh, hold still!

I do it!

Baldric: I-I've got it!

Gah.

Don't help me.

- Ah, Sir Dwight.

When do I perform
for the peasant teachers?

Dwight: Uh, let's say,
15, 20 minutes

after the buffet opens.

Principal Shoemaker
will make an announcement.

Brodogg: And I will be ready.

Dwight: Ha!

Gretta: Oh, ooh.

Ha.

What a festive holiday,
this Teacher's Appreciation Day.

- Right? It is my favorite
Woodside High tradition.

Gretta: Hm?

- Oh, uh.

Just, uh.

- Oh.

Dwight: Nope, you don't, uh.

- [slurps]

Dwight: That's.

- Ah.

Dwight: Great.

- Hand-squeezed.

Dwight: 'Kay.

Oh, you ready to roll, Zeke?

Zeke: Yeah, I'll get
a mix of videos and stills

so we can optimize
all social media platforms.

Dwight: Nice.

All right.

Gretta: [sighs]

Dwight: Everybody ready?

- Si.

Dwight: Baldric?

Hm?

Okay.

It's showtime.

[anticipatory music]

Dwight: Hey everybody, welcome!

Happy Teacher Appreciation
Brunch!

Come on in!

Jacopo: Come, honored guests!

- Hand-squeezed.

Dwight: Let us teach you
how to relax and be appreciated.

[camera shutters]

[squeak]

- Dwight!

Gretta!

What are you doing in here?

Dwight: Uuuuuh.

Gretta: I c-couldn't say.

Dwight: That is
a great question.

- Okay, well,

how about you two
take your business

outside the faculty men's room?

Both: Yeah.

Dwight: That's,
that's a good idea.

Um, I'm, I'm just, I'm, yeah--

[thunk]

Dwight: Oh, um.

Gretta: Lead on, Sir Dwight.

Dwight: Okay.

[fake chuckle]

[creak]

♪

Dwight: [clears throat]

[clang]

Dwight: Gretta?

Why are we wearing
football helmets

and shoulder pads?

Gretta: Why do you have
a bunny in a bag?

Dwight: Eh-- What?

Holy moly,
I have a bunny in a bag!

Gretta: That's what
I just said.

Dwight: Why? Why?

Why do I have a bunny
in a bag?

Gretta: There must be
a sensible explanation.

Dwight: Well, I'm gonna need

more like
ten sensible explanations.

Like, why were we
in the faculty men's room...

sharing a stall?

Why are we dressed
like football players?

Why do I have a bunny
in a bag?

And why don't
we remember anything?

Okay, that's five.

- 'Tis strange.

[ominous music]

- Yes, 'tis.

- I hate to say it, Sir Dwight.

- We're both thinking it.

- Someone has stolen
our memories.

- Yep.

Gretta: Someone here
in this peasant school

on this very morning.

Dwight: Oh, that is so creepy.

Gretta: Think, Sir Dwight!

What's the last thing
you remember?

- Uh, I, uh, um, uh,

the Teacher Appreciation Brunch.

- Ah, yes.

To the faculty lounge!

Dwight: [grunts]

Dwight: Okay, so about
a thousand years ago,

there was this princess, Gretta,

and she was in big trouble,

'cause she had lots of enemies,
and not a lot of friends.

♪

So, her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.

It put everyone in the woods
to sleep

until a champion would come,

break the spell
with his kiss,

and deal with Gretta's
big, scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Instead...

Ahhh!

[kiss]

they got me.

Ah!

♪

Ow!

♪

♪

[brushing]

Dwight: [breathless huh]

Principal Shoemaker,
what happened?

Principal: Raccoons.

Gretta: Pardon?

- Well, a whole pack of them.

I didn't see it myself,
but apparently they uh,

ransacked the brunch buffet.

- [breathless huh]

Foofoo!

Dwight: Foofoo?

Brodogg: I was sick
with worry.

Oh, how's my little Foofoo, huh?

How's my little bunnikins?

Yeah.

Principal: Okay,
careful, people.

You're gonna track
orange juice everywhere.

Okay, come on.

Brodogg: I missed you.

Oh, good--

- Foofoo is your bunny?

Brodogg: Oh, Foofoo,

who would I pull out
of my hat if I lost you?

[mwah]

Dwight: Oh, she's part
of your magic show.

Gretta: Ah, see, there is
always a sensible explanation.

Dwight: But how come
I had her?

- 'Twas a time of chaos,
Sir Dwight.

Dwight: 'Twas?

Gretta: When?

Brodogg: During
my spectacular performance

for the peasant teachers?

- What happened?

- Mayhem!

Dwight: You mean
the raccoon attack?

- 'Twas no raccoon, Sir Dwight.

- 'Twasn't?

- 'Twas a speed demon.

Both: A speed demon?

- Don't you remember?

Gretta: Uh.

Dwight: The last thing
I remember was

we were setting up

for the Teacher's
Appreciation Brunch,

Principal Shoemaker was
by the mic,

Gretta was holding
the orange juices,

you were backstage,

Zeke was getting ready
to video...

Where's Zeke?

Maybe he has video
of what happened.

[piano ring tone]

- Wait.

[piano ringtone]

Gretta: Where is that?

[gasp]

Dwight: That's Zeke's phone.

- Why is it in a fruity tart?

Dwight: Locked.

Of course.

We have to find Zeke.

- Did either of you witness
the raccoon attack?

- Not personally.

I was watching the magic show
when it happened.

Female Teacher: I was buttering
my sticky buns.

Zeke: Um, have uh,

raccoons ever disrupted
a school activity before?

Female Teacher: Hm, there was
one time back in '86 or '87,

uh, the raccoons got
into the snack shack

at the football stadium,
they ate all the nacho cheese.

Dwight: Oh! Zeke!

Zeke: Thank you guys.

Dwight: Hi!

Hi, hi.

Hope you enjoyed the brunch--

Hi.

Zeke: Dwight, Gretta.

Good to see you.

We need all our people power
on this raccoon attack story,

all right?

I want an exclusive online
before sixth period.

Dwight: Zeke,
did you get any pictures

of whatever happened
at the brunch?

- [huffs]

I don't know,
I can't find my phone.

Where was it?

Gretta: In a fruity tart.

- Fruity tart?

Wh- Why was my phone
in a fruity tart?

Dwight: You don't remember?

- Uh, no.

Gretta: Show us our self-mes.

Zeke: Uh, okay.

Principal: Joining us today,

exclusively for
our Teacher Appreciation Brunch,

I am proud to present
the one and only--

Dwight: Oh, there I am.

Principal:
Brodogg the Astonishing!

[clapping]

[magical noise]

[clapping]

Audience: Oh!

Brodogg: Who wants to see
some magic?

Yes.

[magical noise]

[crazed laughing]

Zeke: What was that?

Gretta: The speed--

Dwight: The speeeecies
of raccoon, yeah,

that's the one.

Aggressive little guys.

[crazed gibberish]

Brodogg: [sounds of discomfort]

Get him off!

Demon: [aggressive noises]

[satisfied hmm]

Zeke: You ever see
a raccoon do that?

Dwight: [noncommittal] Uh, yeah.

Zeke: What is that thing?

- You, you know, I can't,

uh, uh,
I can't really make it out,

it's, uh, pretty,

okay, yeah, now,

I see it now.

- Brodogg called it
the speed demon.

Zeke: The, the speed what?

Dwight: Uh, [stutters]

Baldric: Sweet heaven--

Demon: [high-pitched noise]

Baldric: speed demon.

Ahh!

[continues to scream]

Gretta: Give chase!

[gasp]

Principal: Woo. Hoo.

[clapping]

Principal: [indistinct]

Dwight: I'm not sure
what I expected,

but it was not that.

Gretta: The speed demon
has taken Baldric.

Zeke: W-w-wait.

- Why?

Gretta: We can only assume
its purposes are evil.

- Maybe, maybe not.

Gretta: We must find Baldric
before it's too late.

Zeke: Whoa-

everybody just hold up!

All right.

Nobody's going anywhere
until I get some answers.

Who are you really?

Gretta: I am Princess Gretta
the Besieged.

Ruler of Rogemore,

and the last heir
of the House of Moondragon.

- And Mr. Baldric is...

Gretta: My court magician.

Zeke: And you guys are here
because...

Gretta: Baldric cast a spell
to save our lives

putting everyone in the woods
to sleep for a thousand years

until my champion
awakened me.

- Her champion?

- Yep.

Zeke: Awakened you how?

- Doesn't matter.

- It does.

He kissed me.

Dwight: On accident.

Gretta: Fate.

- 'Kay.

[clears throat]

Dwight: 'Kay?

- Paradigm shift just,
just takes me a minute.

- Oh.

Gretta: Paradigm shift.

Zeke: Okay,
who is this speed demon

and what does it want
with Mr. Baldric?

Dwight: We, we don't know.

Gretta: We must find him.

- Agreed,
just one more question.

I was there, right?

Taking those videos
with my phone,

so why don't I remember
any of it?

Dwight: So,
that's a really weird story.

- Weirder than the story

that she's
a thousand-year-old princess

from a magical kingdom
and you're her champion?

- Let's say equally as weird.

- [tsks]

Go ahead.

Blow my mind.

Dwight: Well, our
best working theory right now

is that our memories
were kinda... stolen.

- Stolen?

Gretta: By a memory thief.

Dwight: A memory thief
who erased your memory

but didn't get a chance
to erase your phone.

Send me everything you've got
on the brunch.

- Um, all right.

Da, da, da, da.

[bling]

Done.

Dwight: Great, now, can you get
to class and cover for us?

Please?

- On it.

Dwight: We owe you, man.

Gretta: Let's go.

♪

Mr. Hammond: Hey, Zeke!

Have you seen
Dwight and Gretta?

- Not since this morning.

- Do you have any idea

why they might have been hiding

in a faculty men's room
a few minutes ago?

Zeke: Uh...

- Wearing football helmets?

- Unh-uh.

- Huh.

Gretta: [gasping]

There!

[breathing heavily]

Baldric.

Dwight: Hey,
we'll find him, Gretta.

Okay.

Man: [muttering]

Man: [muttering]

Man: [muttering]

Dwight: Woodie the Woodchuck?

Man: [gurgling]

Dwight: Uh, quick! Quick!

Get him out!

Both: [grunting]

Dwight: Wait, oh, I got it!

[grunting]

Man: [groaning]

- Jacopo?

Gretta: [gasps]

He's unconscious.

- But, why?

Gretta: A blow to the forehead
from the looks of it.

Dwight: No, no,

why is Jacopo unconscious
dressed as Woodie the Woodchuck

in a trashcan?

- Only he can say.

- Wh-wh--

[school bell rings]

Dwight: Quick-quick-quick!

Uh, uh, get him up!

Gretta: Get in there, chin up.

Okay, good, Jacopo.

Both: [groaning]

Gretta: Spin, spin, spin.

Dwight: Who-oa.

Both: [groaning
and breathing heavily]

Dwight: Act natural.

Gretta: Get the...

Whooo!

Guh.

Girl: Woodie the Woodchuck!

Dwight: Uh.

Girls: [chanting] Woodie!

Woodie!

Woodie!

[chanting continues]

Dwight and Gretta:
[weakly] Woodie!

Woodie!

Dwight: Go Woodside!

Gretta: Long live the Woodchuck!

Dwight: Oh, uh, ah.

Gretta: Mm, ah.

Dwight: Oh!

[grunting]

I'll get you back to--

Gretta: That's a good Jacopo.

Good Jacopo.

Good Jacopo.

Good Jacopo.

Good Jacopo.

Both: [groaning]

Gretta: [panting]

[door clangs shut]

Dwight: Oh, sorry.

Uh.

[groans]

[panting]

Gretta: Legs.

Dwight: Hey Jacopo.

Buddy!

Rise and shine!

Hello?

Gretta: Sir Dwight.

Stay with him.

When he wakes up,
hear what he says.

I must find Baldric.

Send me a bat
if anything's amiss.

- Will do.

Uh, Gretta?

Be careful.

[clang]

[thud]

- Brr- geez.

Ah, oh.

- Hey! Jacopo!

You okay, pal?

- I have a giant ache
in my face.

- Oh, well you uh,
uh, you fell pretty hard.

and you got hit
by a paper towel roll

in the head.

- No, a door hit me
when we fled for our lives.

- Wait, what happened?

Do you remember?

- Of course I remember.

My beautiful buffet of brunches
was destroyed.

- Right,
by the little gremlin guy,

the, the speed demon.

- Uh, no.

There was another.

A man who commanded
the speedy demon.

- What?

Jacopo: He gave us chase
all about the school.

Dwight: Somebody chased us?

- Si.

Why else would I disguise myself
as a bear?

- Oh, you're a woodchuck.

Jacopo: Scusi?

- You're not a bear,
you're a woodchuck.

- Oh, no.

- It doesn't matter,
what did he look like?

- He was evil...

with a wicked smile
in the face of a devil.

- Okay.

None of that tells me
what he looked like.

Jacopo: He looked
like a villain.

Dwight: Do you see him in any
of these pictures?

Jacopo: No,

no,

no,

no.

Gretta: [breathing heavily]

- Oh, man.

Are you kidding me right now?

Gretta: Zeke!

[water dripping]

- What's amiss?

Zeke: Oh, hey Gretta.

I just dropped my phone
in a mop bucket.

Now it's fried.

Oh.

- Most unfortunate,
but we have bigger concerns.

There is no sign
of the speed demon.

- Whoa, whoa, the what?

Gretta: The speed demon!

That took Baldric!

- Huh?

- From the self-mes
on your beckoning device.

Don't you remember?

Jacopo: Stop!

Make it bigger.

There.

That is the villain.

See, the wicked smile
in that devil face.

Dwight: Mr. Hammond?

Oh no.

I need to warn Gretta.

- Remember what?

- Well, think!

What is the last thing
you remember?

- [uncomfortable chuckle]

Gretta, [grunt] are you okay?

[phone notification]

- Highness!

Highness!

Gretta: Baldric!

Baldric: Oh, there you are.

- [breathing heavily]

Baldric: Wh- what's amiss,
princess?

- Well, how did
you escape the speed demon?

- Speed demon?

Uh--

- Ah, floof.

[knocking]

- [whispering] Answer!

- [falsetto] Who is it?

Gretta: 'Tis I.

- [exhales]

- Gretta!

Oh.

Baldric!

You're okay!

Gretta: I received your bat.

[clunk]

Baldric: Why are you two hiding
in a scullery closet?

And why are you dressed
as a woodchuck?

- I--thought it was a bear.

Baldric: Oh, how disappointing
for you.

Dwight: Never mind that. We--

- I had a bear costume
once as a child.

Dwight: Can we move on?

- Oh, how I loved it!

Dwight: Can we stop talking
about Jacopo's bear costume?

Jacopo and Baldric:
Woodchuck!

Dwight: Where's the speed demon?

Gretta: Uh.

- What speed demon?

- [sighs]

Dwight: Ah geez.

Jacopo: The speedy demon
that destroyed my brunches

and carried you off.

- [scoffs]

Come now.

I think I would remember
if I had been carried off

by a speed demon.

♪

Baldric: Sweet heaven--

Demon: [high-pitched noise]

Baldric: a speed demon!

Demon: [aggressive noises]

Baldric: Ah!

But, but, I, I,
I don't recall any of this.

Demon: [laughing maniacally]

Gretta: Give chase!

- Oh!

Huh.

I did wonder
what happened to my boot.

Gretta: Ah!

Right here.

[sighs]

- Much obliged, Your Highness.

Jacopo: Ah!

During the speedy demon
took you away,

this Signore 'ammond pursued us
and we assumed these disguises.

Gretta: Mr. Hammond?

Dwight: I didn't want
to believe it either,

but look.

He's the guy giving the orders.

Baldric: But, I just helped him
reset the breaker.

In, in his dungeon.

- His dungeon?

- Mm-hm.

Gretta: Why would Mr. Hammond
pursue us?

Dwight: Guys.

Gretta: And why would
he be in league

with a speed demon?

- I...

Dwight: Guys.

Baldric: And now that
I think of it,

why would
a peasant schoolteacher

need a dungeon?

- Guys!

We know
who the memory thief is.

[ominous music]

[ominous music]

[clang]

[ominous music]

♪