Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Clapper - full transcript

Dwight: Previously
on Dwight in Shining Armor...

- Keep 'em coming.

- Want to talk
about it, Baldric?

Baldric: I was voted most likely

to become the Greatest Magician
of All Time.

- Wow, no kidding.

- Now, look at me.

Hardly better
than a royal nanny.

- I thought
you were a royal nanny.

You're, you're a magician?

Do a trick!



- I do not do...

[grunt]

tricks.

[birds chirping]

[distant laughter]

Baldric: [snoring]

- Oh! Baldric!

Baldric, Baldric, Baldric!

Baldric: Huh?

What?

Woo.

Hello.

Hi.

Gretta: See what Sir Dwight
and I have discovered.



Quickly, Sir Dwight!

Show him my self-me.

Baldric: What?

Your self-me?

What? Oh?

Oh, huh.

Well.

[clears throat]

[fan blowing]

Dwight: Here it is!

Gretta's first interaction
with a wacky, wavy tubeman!

Gretta: Yah!

Dwight: Oh!

[fan blowing]

Dwight: [laughing]

Store clerk: [angrily]
Can I help you?

Dwight: Oh, gotta go, Gretta!

- Most peculiar, Highness.

Gretta: Oh, Baldric.

I believe
if I were to have

a wacky, wavy tubeman

I should never be bored again
in my life.

- Well, that's a stretch.

- I could take it on walks,
and peasant school,

and on quiet evenings at home

it could entertain me
with its antics.

Dwight: It really just has
the one antic.

- Baldric.

- What?

Gretta: I need
a wacky, wavy tubeman

immediately.

My life is empty without it.

Baldric: Now, now Highness,
we do not know anything

about this wavy, wacka
tubey man.

Dwight: Well, I know
those things are power hogs.

Your electric bill would go
through the roof.

- Oh.

Yes, yes, yes.

And, and my first priority
must be your safety, Highness.

[creaking]

- Hm.

[clears throat]

Baldric.

- Hm?

- It is my royal command,
as ruler of Rogemore

that you bring me
a wacky, wavy tubeman.

Baldric: [sighs heavily]

- Oh, come on, Gretta.

Really?

What?

[stutters in disbelief]

- As you command,
Your Royal Highness.

- [sighs contentedly]

- [disgusted] Ugh.

Gretta: [joyful sound]

- Baldric.

- Yay!

Gretta: [giggles]

[slam]

- Uncool, Gretta.

- Being a princess
has its benefits.

- So does not being
a big, bossy jerk

to your friends.

- I am not a big, bossy jerk.

Dwight: Okay, so
about a thousand years ago,

there was this princess, Gretta

and she was in big trouble
because she had lots of enemies

and not a lot of friends.

So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.

It put everyone
in the woods to sleep

until a champion would come,

break the spell with his kiss

and deal with Gretta's
big, scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Instead...

Ah!

[kiss]

they got me.

Ah!

♪

Ow!

♪

♪

Dwight: Where would you even put
a wacky, wavy tubeman?

Gretta: Right here.

[loud slow knocking]

Agravain: Her Highness,
Princess Pridwyn of Elvendale.

[door shuts]

Dwight: Uh. Hey.

Agravain: Grovel,
unworthy peasant.

- Huh?

Agravain:
At Princess Pridwyn's feet,

grovel at once!

Gretta: Hold there,
Sir Dwight grovels for no one.

- Yeah, ew.

Princess Pridwyn: Sir Dwight?

You are Sir Dwight,
Desolator of the Undead?

Dwight: Uh, just Dwight's good.

Gretta: Yes, 'tis he.

Agravain: This slimy ball
of cat hair?

- 'Kay.

Gretta: Quite so.

- This bulging little bunion.

Gretta: The very same.

Agravain: This puddle
of pig piddle.

Dwight: Wow.

- I like him.

- He is magnificent.

Yes.

Pridwyn: Where is
Princess Gretta the Besieged,

Ruler of Rogemore?

- I am she.

- Oh.

[sniffs]

You smell like bacon.

Must we stay here Agravain?

Agravain: We have no place else
to go, my princess.

- You don't?

- I invoke the royal right
of sanctuary.

Dwight: Uh, what,
what does that mean?

- Ugh, by the treaty of royals
signed by Osric the Grim,

I am duty-bound to grant you
sanctuary within my walls.

- [sniffing]

What is that smell?

[sniffing]

Oh.

Still you.

Gretta: [sighs]

Pridwyn: Agravain,
fetch my lilac water.

Agravain: Alack,

we left in such haste
I had to leave it behind.

Pridwyn: [deep inhale]

Ah!

- Oh!

- [one high-pitched sob]

Agravain: No, no, no, no, no.

I believe we still have
some rose water, yes.

Pridwyn: Rose water!

Dwight: So, you had to leave
your home?

- Taking only
what Agravain could carry.

[jangling]

Dwight: Which turns out
is a lot.

[slam]

Agravain: All right.

[sighs]

- But why?

- Elvendale is overrun,

with demons.

- Demons?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Yes.

Agravain: Woe, woe, woe.

Oh, Elvendale.

Pridwyn: Shall I e'er see
thy marble halls again?

Oh! Woe!

- Woe.

- Woe.

- Woe.

Pridwyn: Woe.

Dwight: No!

No, no.

No, I meant, whoa, whoa, whoa

as in are we saying
there are actual, real demons?

- Now
we are homeless vagabonds.

Forced to live
in this squalid castle.

Dwight: It's not really
a castle.

Pridwyn:
With this smelly princess.

- [growls quietly]

Agravain: Princess Gretta
the Besieged.

By rule of sanctuary,

you are to provide
Princess Pridwyn with safety...

[spritz]

- [gags]

I shall protect her
with my own sword.

- [small giggle]

Agravain: comfort...

[spritz]

- [gags]

Sir Dwight,
make ready the air mattress.

- and amusement.

Dwight: Really? Amusement?

[spritz]

Dwight: [coughs]

Gretta: We know
many sprightly ballads

and festive songs
and the YouTube can supply us

with an endless variety
of diverting self-mes.

- No, if we are to live
among the funny humans,

we must do
as the funny humans do.

Let's away to the tavern
to mingle

and dance the Rufty-Tufty.

- Uh, humans
don't really do that kind

of stuff anymore.

- my princess.nd,

- Lead on,
stinky human princess girl.

- [heavy breathing]

[grunting]

Yes.

[slam]

[fan blowing]

- Huh.

You look taller
in your self-me.

♪

[grunting]

Hands to yourself, sir!

[grunting]

Oo! Oo!

Ah!

Unhand me, sir!

Gah!

Pridwyn: I've heard
the tales and the songs

of your great deeds, Sir Dwight.

Dwight: You have?

Pridwyn: Agravain, fetch me
that delightful wheelie board.

Agravain: At your command,
princess.

Gretta: You do not need
a wheelie board.

Dwight: Wait, what?

Pridwyn: Is it true,

you single-handedly bested
a pack of vargers?

Dwight: Just one.

Pridwyn: And did you
truly liberate a water dragon?

Dwight: Uh.

Hey, how did you?

Gretta: Give that back
at once.

Pridwyn: And how did you defeat

an entire brotherhood
of Tovenaars?

Dwight: Oh well,
it was a group effort.

Pridwyn: Agravain, fetch me
that adorable little animal.

- As you command, princess.

- We are not taking a dog home.

Dwight: Wait just a second.

- Sir Dwight, is it true

you challenged the Grim Reaper
for your life and won?

Dwight: I can't take the credit
for that one.

Pridwyn: And I'm told
the Severian chief, Militsa

had a statue made
in your honor.

Dwight: Oh? For real?

[chuckle]

What the heck?

[dog whines]

- Return that beast
to its owner.

Pridwyn: Never in my life
have I heard

of such valor and bravery
in one man.

Dwight: Oh, well.

Uh, I didn't do it all alone.

Pridwyn: Agravain!

Fetch me that darling
little...

- Don't even think it, hm.

♪

Agravain: [heralding]
Princess Pridwyn of Elvendale!

Jacopo: Welcome to my tavern,
Principessa degli Elfi.

Uh, and the other principessa
is here too.

Oh, it's an animal.

Grazie, grazie.

I take it to the kitchen.

- Hey, Jacopo.

How's business?

- Magnifico!

And all thanks
to the champion boy, eh?

- Indeed?

Jacopo: Because of him,

we are famous
on the public access television.

Dwight: It's local.

Jacopo: For the champion
I have the best table.

Dwight: Ah, you shouldn't have.

Jacopo: Follow me [indistinct]

Pridwyn: Agravain,
I want a champion.

Agravain: Well, then I will
find you one, my princess.

The most glorious champion
this world has ever seen.

Pridwyn: I want him.

Here.

Give him my royal favor.

Agravain: Yes, of course.

Sir Dwight,
I must inspect the kitchen

if the Princess Pridwyn
is to eat here.

Dwight: Oh, yeah, sure.

Okay, um,

Oh, I'll have you know

this place was just featured
on Forks Up

which is kind of a big deal.

[chuckles]

Right this way,
I'll take you to the back.

[ominous music]

Dwight: Well, here it is.

It's a bit rustic,

but Eberulf the ogre chef
is actually

quite the food innovator.

You know,
his mom had this recipe--

Agravain: Silence!

- Okay.

- The Princess Pridwyn
has chosen... you,

to be her champion.

- Oh.

Uh.

Wow, yeah,

I'm flattered,

but I'm actually already
Gretta's champion, so,

what, whatcha...

Agravain: Put this on.

- puttin'--

[chokes]

Agravain: You will forget all
about your smelly princess.

Instead you will devote
yourself, heart and soul

to Princess Pridwyn
of the Elves

until such time as she chooses
to remove her royal favor.

- Okay, first of all,
Gretta is not smelly.

She just had bacon
for breakfast

and that smell kinda sticks
to your clothes.

It happens to everybody.

And second of all,

you can't just snap your fingers

and change who I care about
and don't care about.

- Elves don't snap.

We clap.

[clap, clap]

- Princess Pridwyn.

- Mm-hm.

- Where is she?

Agravain: Hold, hold!

Fool.

You are a disgrace.

- Yes.

- A cat-hair ball
of a bulging bunion

of a puddle of pig piddle.

Dwight: That's me.

Yeah.

Agravain: Instead,
under my spell,

you will be the most valiant,

the most daring,

[swish, swish]

- Hyah, hyah.

Hyah!

- The most heroic champion
this world has ever seen.

[thud]

Better.

Now, pathetic human,

your feeble mind
is mine to toy with.

A clap of the hands brings
you under my spell

and the clap of the hands,

[clap, clap]

releases you.

- Wha?

Wha! Whoa!

[thumping]

Ow.

[high-pitched groan]

Dude, what the?

[clap, clap]

Agravain: Hm, I am the best.

Baldric: [grunting]

Got you!

- Hey!

Hey!

Excuse me!

Sir!

[rip]

[crash]

Store Clerk: [groaning]

Wait!

Stop!

- Have you anything
besides human food?

Gretta: Ugh.

I'll have the kidney pie.

Pridwyn: Oh lovely,

now you'll smell like bacon
and kidneys.

Agravain: [clears throat]

His mightiness, Sir Dwight,
Desolator of the Undead.

[thump]

Patrons: [gasp]

- I am he.

Now, where is my princess?

Gretta: Oh, over here,
Sir Dwight.

- 'Tis she.

Patrons: [gasp]

- My princess.

- Oh, Sir Dwight.

You're too gallant.

Dwight: You flatter me.

Tell me your deepest desire,
princess, and I will make it so.

- I want to dance
the Rufty-Tufty!

Dwight: Very well.

Piper, pipe!

We dance the Rufty-Tufty!

Ah!

Patrons: [cheer in agreement]

- Tally-ho!

[cheering continues]

- To me!

- Would you honor me,
my princess?

Pridwyn: We need
another couple.

Dwight: You there!

Jacopo: I?

Dwight: You too!

Rise to your feet!

Now we dance!

[music plays]

Dwight: Princess Pridwyn,
you may think me too bold,

but I must ask
would you do me the honor

of accepting me
as your champion?

- I will.

[clap, clap]

- Huh?

Wha?

Where am I?

Gretta: Sir Dwight,
are you unwell?

Dwight: No...uh.

Yeah.

I don't know what's going on.

I'm freaking out.

I don't know how to say this,
but

[clap, clap]

I am devoted heart and soul
to Princess Pridwyn.

- What?

Whoa.

Trouble is afoot.

- Your champion boy
is not himself.

- My princess.

How should I prove
my devotion to you?

Slay a dragon?

Fell a giant?

[clap, clap]

Call Nana?

I'm having a panic attack.

Gretta?

[clap, clap]

Gretta: What's amiss,
Sir Dwight?

- Nothing shall ever be--

Gretta: Wha!

- amiss again,

now that Princess Pridwyn
has accepted me

as her champion.

- But?

But she can't, you,
you are my champion.

- And, who are you?

[clap, clap]

Help!

I don't know
what's happening!

I don't know what's going on.

I, I have a theory!

It is a freaky theory,
but it's a theory.

I think
I'm under some kinda...

- spell.

- Ah, geez.

Gretta: I remember
the first time,

I was placed under a spell.

- Oh, hey,
so you've done this before.

So, how do I--

[clap, clap]

Dwight: prove my worthiness
to Princess Pridwyn?

- Ah, floof.

- Oh.

Gretta: Ah.

Sir Dwight is
under some kind of spell.

Jacopo: Who's spell?

That snotty little elf girl?

Gretta: No, she could not throw
out her own bath water.

Jacopo: Ha.

- I believe that is the culprit.

Jacopo: Oh.

[clapping]

[clap, clap]

- Gretta?

- Oh.

Hold.

I think I found the trick.

Hm.

[clap, clap]

Dwight: Command me, my princess!

[clap, clap]

Dwight: Would everybody
please stop clapping!

Gretta: Leave it to me.

Hm?

[disgusted] Oh.

Now see here,
you pointy-eared scullion,

release Sir Dwight
from your villainous spell.

- [laughs]

Gretta: Or it shall be war
between Rogemore and Elvendale.

Dwight: Hey!

Hey, hey, hey,

let's not go
for the nuclear option.

- Run along.

[clap, clap]

Dwight: [operatically]
♪ Running along! ♪

[music begins]

Allow me to display
my immense strength for you,

my princess.

- Oh!

Agravain: My spell will end

when Princess Pridwyn
removes her favor,

and not a moment before.

And there's nothing
you can do about it,

you paltry, pitiful,
little princess.

- [disgusted] Oh.

[clears throat]

[sighs gracefully]

Oh, Pridwyn,
I just heard the good news.

Sir Dwight is to be
your champion now.

Is he?

Pridwyn: Yes, he seems
to prefer my company to yours.

Gretta: Oh,

[laughs delicately]

I am so pleased.

Hm.

Pridwyn: You are?

- I confess.

I'm happy to see him go,

though you mustn't tell him
I said so.

The dear boy is so sensitive.

Pridwyn: Sensitive?

Gretta: Mm-hm.

Patron: Yah!

[thump]

Dwight: [patronizing laugh]
Better luck next time, fellow.

Gretta: Oh, terribly, terribly,
terribly sensitive.

If I'm quite honest,

I find him more
than a bit smothering.

- Smothering.

- Though I'm sure
you'll probably love

having a champion
who sticks to your side

like honey to a bun, hm?

Hm?

- Hm.

Gretta: Oh,
here's the honey now.

- Whom shall I fight
in your honor, my princess?

Name the man!

Gretta: [delicate yawn]

It never ends with him.

Pridwyn: Go away, Sir Dwight!

Gretta: Hm.

Dwight: Going away.

Gretta: And now, I am free
to find a new champion,

perhaps one a bit taller,

maybe with a beard.

Patrons: [cheer]

- Woo!

[crickets chirping]

[slam]

Gretta: I am so relieved

that Sir Dwight will go
to a good home,

but I only feel it right
to tell you most

of the legends
and songs about him,

well, you mustn't believe
everything you hear.

- Mm.

Dwight: Thank you, squire.

[slam]

[clap, clap]

Dwight: Ow!

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Gretta: See what I mean?

[clap, clap]

- Ow, ow,

I relish pain.

[clap, clap]

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow,

I think I broke my toe.

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

Uh.

Gretta: [gasps]

Pridwyn: [screams]

Agravain: [screams]

Take cover!

[sobs in fear]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Woe, woe, all is lost.

Dwight: Guys, it's just the--

- Demon!!

Demon!

Ah..demon!

Woe!

- First Elvendale,
now Rogemore?

Gretta: No,
here we make our stand.

Pridwyn: Sir Dwight,
my champion, save me.

Dwight: From
the wacky, wavy tubeman?

- Shhh.

See, Sir Dwight is no match
for a demon.

I tried to tell you the stories
are hugely exaggerated.

Pridwyn: No!

Then all is vain!

Gretta: Then we die with honor.

Pridwyn: But I don't want to.

Agravain: Then we flee
with haste.

- Yes.

Agravain: And find another place
for sanctuary.

Pridwyn: Yes, yes.

- Go, elf princess.

I shall keep the demon at bay

and buy your escape
with my own blood.

Dwight: Huh?

Pridwyn: Yes, yes, yes.

Agravain, fetch my things.

Agravain: Done, my princess.

Pridwyn: And you,
give me back my royal favor.

- Okay.

- Find me
a better champion, Agravain.

A taller one with a beard.

Agravain: As you command,
my princess.

Gretta: Three, two, one...run!

Pridwyn: [screams]

Gretta: [slow-motion screams]

[happily yells and laughs]

- I feel like
I missed most of that.

Gretta: Wait,
we must be certain.

[clap, clap]

Dwight: What happened
to my toe?

- Hm?

[clap, clap]

- Why was
I wearing a cowboy hat?

- [sigh of relief]

Oh, Baldric!

Huh.

- Your Royal Highness.

[fan whirs down]

I have delivered
your wavy, wacka tubeman,

[clears throat]

as commanded.

Gretta: Well done, Baldric.

- Hmm.

Gretta: This wacky, wavy tubeman
has just saved us

from a horrid, rotten
little elf princess.

- Indeed?

- Her butler put me
under some kind

of clapper spell.

Gretta: Uh, Baldric,

she was dreadful, spoiled,
and snootsy,

the way she bossed
everybody about,

like she owned the whole...

- Yeah.

- world.

- Mm.

Oh, yes, go on,
Your Royal Highness.

- I owe a debt
to this wacky, wavy tubeman

that I should not soon forget.

- [clears throat]

- But, I should hate
for him to come

between you and me.

'Tis true that being a princess
has its benefits

but so does not being
a big, bossy jerk.

- Fact.

Gretta: It was wrong of me
to order you about, Baldric.

You are not my servant,

you are my most loyal
and trusted friend.

I know you only ever have
my welfare at heart,

so if you have concerns
about this wacky, wavy tubeman.

Baldric: No, no, no, Highness.

Surely he has proven
his loyalty,

and his antics are strangely
amusing and terrifying

at the same time.

- Right?

Baldric: Yes.

Gretta: Perhaps
we should keep him, then?

To ward off elf princesses.

- [inhales],
yeah, very wise, princess.

Gretta: [laughs]

♪

- ♪ Livin' my, livin' my,
livin' my own pace, ♪

♪ ain't no runnin' round,
runnin' round, ♪

♪ wrappin' my, wrappin' my,
wrappin' myself up, ♪

♪ eh, eh, pullin' me,
pullin' me, ♪

♪ pullin' me back up, ♪

♪ ain't no knockin' down,
knockin' down♪

♪ healin' my, healin' my,
healin' my heartache. ♪

♪ Ooo-oo. ♪

♪ Flying miles ahead
on my shadow. ♪

♪ Mojo, mojo. ♪

♪ I'll be climbin' up
another level. ♪

♪ Mojo, mojo, ♪

♪ Flying miles ahead
on my shadow. ♪

♪ Mojo, mojo. ♪

♪ I'll be climbing up
another level. ♪