Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 5, Episode 1 - Forks Up - full transcript
Jacopo is the new owner of the Swine and Slosh tavern, and after taking money from several elderly women as an investment, he has invited the very popular Forks Up. food review show to come...
Dwight: Here's pretty much
everything you need to know.
- The tavern is closed.
- Health code violation.
Gretta: For one case
of the plague?
Who's running the tavern now?
- Welcome to my tavern.
[exhale]
You give the good smell,
the bubbles,
they go into your nose,
it's very--
Ah! More customers.
Dwight: Hey Jacopo.
You seen Gretta?
We're supposed to meet her
here for lunch.
- Our lunches are
the finest in the land.
All: [cheering]
- Why are you still here?
Where's Hellibad?
- He has fled from the IRF.
- IRS.
- Eh, no.
- I have a plan!
- [clears throat]
- I'm happy for you, man.
And super impressed.
Owning your own business,
it takes grit and guts
and hard work and...
Woman: Here's the cash.
Jacopo: Oh.
Dwight: Cash?
- Bravo!
My angel ladies.
[mwah, mwah]
Ah.
[mwah, mwah]
[sigh]
[mwah, mwah]
Ah.
Dwight: Mrs. Brinkelhurst.
Mrs. Walton.
Mrs. Tenney.
- All of you know
each other?
Dwight: From
Nana's fitness class
at the senior center.
Mrs. Tenney:
How's business, partner?
Jacopo: [chuckles] Bene.
Bene!
All: [cheering]
- We can't stay.
Mrs. Tenney: We've got
Jazzercise in 20 minutes.
Mrs. Walton: Oh, remember,
our shareholders meeting
is Friday at 4.
Dwight: Shareholders.
Mrs. Walton: I'm bringing
fruit kebabs.
- Perfetto, my dear ones.
Addio.
[mwah]
Dwight: Hm.
Jacopo: [laughs]
[sigh of relief]
- Tell me
if I've got this right?
You bought this tavern
with the money you took
from a bunch
of little old ladies?
- The savings
of their entire lives.
- Which you sunk
into this greasy,
medieval tavern?
Jacopo: Corretto.
Mrs. Walton: Oh,
break a leg today.
Jacopo: [chuckles]
- What's today?
- [sniffs deeply then sighs]
Dwight: Thanks.
By entering this venue,
you consent to be filmed
by the Woodside Food Network.
The Woodside Food Network
is coming here?
- Si.
At this very moment.
Come, and meet
the Signore Nick Reeves.
Dwight: Did you say
Nick Reeves?
Jacopo: Si!
Ha, ha!
- Jacopo.
Nick Reeves is the most
respected restaurant critic
in Woodside.
Jacopo: Si.
Dwight: One bad review
and those little old ladies
could lose their life savings.
Jacopo: But whyever should
the review be bad, eh?
No more plague in my tavern!
Have no fear, peasants!
- Oh, wow.
- Eh, what's amiss?
- It's Nick Reeves.
Jacopo: Ah, ha ha.
Signore Nick Reeves.
Dwight: No!
Okay, so
about a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta.
And she was in big trouble,
'cause she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal
with Gretta's big scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up...
instead...
[crash]
[kiss]
they got me.
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
[upbeat modern music]
- Welcome to Forks Up!
brought to you
by the Woodside Food Network.
I'm your host, Nick Reeves,
and here we are
at the grand reopening
of the Swine and Slosh Tavern.
A quaint and cozy restaurant
with old world decor
and an eccentric menu.
I'm here
with the tavern's new owner,
Jacobo Troubadour.
Jacopo: Uh, Jacopo, noble sir.
And I am no longer a troubadour.
Dwight: And I'm Dwight.
[light chuckle]
I represent the investors.
This is a big day for them.
For all of us,
for the Swine and Slosh Tavern,
and for Woodside.
The Swine and Slosh Tavern.
You can get your swine
and your slosh?
Nick: So, Jacopo,
what gives
the Swine and Slosh Tavern
its unique character?
- It has no more plague.
The plague, she has
[breathy sounds]
all gone away.
Dwight: And, this is a place
where everybody
from everywhere is welcome.
[laughs]
[distant coughing]
Jacopo: No! No!
Not you!
You bring the disease!
Ha!
He!
Hi!
Ah-ha-ha!
- We're very pro-hygiene,
uh, the previous owner had
a very small, minor
health code violation,
way back when.
- The cook died
of the rat plague.
It was a tragic loss.
He made the best kidney pie
in the kingdom.
Jacopo: I have taken
measures, si?
We check the tongues.
We burn the incense.
Oh.
[jangling]
- And, oh,
come, come, come, come.
Ha, yes.
Every leper
must wear a bell, huh?
[loud bell]
- That's actually,
if you think about it,
not a bad idea.
[bell continues]
Chlodwig: Hear ye, one and all!
What men among you have
the courage to join me in battle
against the tyrannous knights
of the IRF?
- He means the IRS.
Chlodwig: For glory!
For honor!
Yes, Hellibad was a ruthless,
and cruel and vicious,
but at least he wasn't
a lute-plucking, scullion.
Dwight: More to see inside,
come on.
Let's go.
[nervous laugh]
Yeah, this way.
This is where the real,
this is the place
that we're going to.
Jacopo: Come.
Come inside,
Signore Nick Reeves.
Say goodbye
to the angry lunatic.
[laughs]
He has the plague.
- I don't have the plague.
- Then what has disfigured
your face so horribly?
- Welcome
to the Swine and the Slosh!
All: [cheering]
- I have always dreamed
of having my own tavern.
Well, that is not so true.
My heart's dream is to be
king of the realm and rule
with the iron fist
of justice.
But until that day,
having a tavern is not so bad.
Nick: Wow!
This really does feel like
stepping into a different world.
Dwight: Right? Right?
And old-timey.
Baldric: Barkeep!
Another soda.
After a long day
of seeing to the needs
of Princess Gretta,
I do enjoy a pint
of orange soda,
perhaps it's the tickly bubbles
up the nose,
or the pleasantly fruity burps,
or perhaps it's the...
- It's the high fructose
corn syrup..
Jacopo: This is Andirk.
All: Andrus!
Jacopo: And this is Ilka.
All: Ilka!
Jacopo: And this is Baldric.
All: Baldric!
Jacopo: And this is my good
fr--
Hexela: Hexela's concentrated
age-reversing serum.
All: Hexela's
concen..trated..age...
- The Swine and Slosh Tavern
is just a hop and skip
from my salon,
Hexela's lotions and potions.
Where my products
are guaranteed
to make you less old.
And less ugly.
Jacopo: Shoo, off, shoo, shoo.
- Shoo me again, sir,
and you'll wake up a CABBAGE!
Nick: Did she say cabbage?
Dwight: Did she?
I missed it.
Um, oh, whoa, watch it.
Bodies all over.
[nervous chuckle]
How about a tour
of the kitchen, huh?
Jacopo: [nervous yelps]
Dwight: Right this way.
Jacopo: The kitchen, come.
Dwight: Come on, this is
where the real magic happens.
Jacopo: Uh, si.
The magic.
[chickens bocking,
wings flapping]
- Where are--
Are we in the parking lot?
[truck rattling]
Jacopo: What a smell, eh?
[sighs happily]
Dwight: The menu follows
a basically paleo diet
with simple ingredients
that you can pronounce like,
um...
Jacopo: Squirrels...
pigeons...
a woodchuck.
- Just kidding!
[nervous chuckle]
It's not actually a,
a real woodchuck in there.
Holy moly!
Jacopo: You see this pot
for the stew.
- Yeah.
Jacopo: This pot is filled
with the flavors of the ages.
It has not been washed
since 952.
Eh?
Dwight: This morning.
9:52, this morning.
We take our food handling
very, very seriously.
Jacopo: Assolutamente.
You see here.
Huh?
Eh?
Ha, ha!
Dwight: We're very proud
of that.
- Si.
Nick: Well.
You guys seem
to be bringing back
some old school
cooking techniques.
- By a chef
with a genuine passion
for cooking.
Ogre: [humming to himself]
[cat meows]
Jacopo: Ah, my cook!
You must meet him.
Signore Nick Reeves.
[cat meows]
Come, come!
Dwight: No, no, no...
no.
Uh.
Jacopo: He is Eberulf the Ogre.
- [hiss]
Dwight: Eberulf?
Nick: The ogre?
Dwight: Yeah.
Yeah, we just,
we like to give him a hard time
'cause he's kind of
a grumpy ogre of a guy.
[fake laughs]
Hey Eberulf, why you gotta be
such an ogre all the time, man?
[nervous chuckle]
Ogre: [growls]
Dwight: [screams]
Ogre: [growls]
Dwight: Ah!
Oof!
[groans]
Ogre: [growls]
Jacopo: [laughs]
- [laughs]
Eberulf, what a character
that guy.
Man, he's uh, he's
uh, he's the best.
Ah.
Nick: So uh,
whatcha cooking up, chef?
Ogre: [imitates chicken
in distress]
- He's uh, he's
[breathing heavily]
Flemish.
- Ah!
There you are fellows.
- Oh, hey Gretta.
- [growls]
[shink]
- Hya.
Ogre: [bellows]
[fighting sounds]
Jacopo: [laughs]
'Tis a simple quarrel.
The ogre wishes
to cook the princess,
and the princess wishes
not to be cooked.
- Prinducken.
'Tis an ogre delicacy.
A chicken, stuffed in a duck,
stuffed in a princess.
[fighting sounds]
Jacopo: It will end
in disappointment
for one of them.
[fighting sounds continue]
- They're just uh,
practicing for the um,
tavern brawl dinner show.
Jacopo: Scusa me?
[clang]
Dwight: Yes!
The tavern brawl dinner show.
Gretta: [grunt]
[clang]
Dwight: Oh, come on, Nick,
uh how about
we just go this way.
No spoilers,
that's just a sneak peek.
Get ready
for the full thing.
Let's go, you don't want--
- [roars]
Jacopo: Your table is ready,
Signore Nick Reeves.
Ah,
[mwah]
[sighs]
Nick: Grazie.
Jacopo: Prego.
Ah, your Italian is bene.
Nick: [chuckles]
Eh, who's that guy?
Jacopo: [happy sigh]
Barber: Anson Swift,
Barber Surgeon.
I visit the tavern
every Thursday
from midday to sundown
to offer my services.
Baldric: Well, I've been going
to Anson Swift for years.
I will allow no one else
to touch this hair,
or this beard.
Anson: I cut hair
and shave beards.
[pleasant chuckle]
Also apply leeches,
when necessary.
And, who here
needs a tooth pulled?
Sundry Patrons: Here!
Right here!
[clink, clink]
Anson: [pleasant laugh]
- Think of him
like a one stop shop
for all
your physical maintenance.
Dwight: What'll you have, Nick?
these are my choices?
Dwight: No.
Jacopo: Si.
Dwight: These are just
the options for,
for the shape of your pot pie.
We have a squirrel-shaped,
uh, the classic pigeon-shaped,
and woodchuck shape,
and uh, we broke
our cat-shaped pie pan,
so you know, hard times.
- Okay, I'm going to go
with the
woodchuck-shaped potpie.
Jacopo: Ah, it will be done,
immediatamente, Signore.
- [pained groans]
[loud relieved sighs]
Gretta: [grunting with effort]
Jacopo: What is the potty pie?
Dwight: It's not a potty pie,
it's a pot, I,
I'm sure Eberulf can--
Ah man!
Gretta: [yell]
Dwight: Hey!
Time out!
Don't!
Stop!
I--Uh--
Knock it off!
You two,
Ogre: [growls]
Dwight: Get.. over.
- You may fight
all you wish
after the closing time, for now,
you must make the potty pie.
Dwight: Pot pie.
Jacopo: Yes!
Shaped into the figure
of a woodchuck.
- Hoo!
Dwight: Okay, all right.
We're good.
We're all right.
How can we, uh, how can we help?
Chef, how can we help?
Okay, come on, Gretta.
All hands on deck.
- This ogre
can chop his own turnips.
- [growl]
Dwight: [clears throat]
- [high-pitched growl]
- [very low growl]
Dwight: [forced cheerfulness]
This is not the time
for petty grudges.
Gretta: Petty?
- Get chopping.
Nick Reeves wants a pot pie
shaped like a woodchuck.
Gretta: A, a what?
Dwight: We need to put
our differences aside
and pull together
or those little old ladies
are gonna be out on the street.
And this place will go
out of business
by the end of the month
and then where will you get
your squirrel pudding
and your pigeon muffins
and your, your uh,
cat kidney puffs?
Gretta: I do like those.
Dwight: Come on.
All right, we got this.
Jacopo, you go entertain
Nick Reeves.
Jacopo: Si.
I, I know just
the entertainment.
- [mocking] Uh, uh, uh, uh.
- The Swine and Slosh
is my most favorite tavern,
and Jacopo the Troubadour
is my least favorite fellow,
therefore I am on a quest
to defeat the knights
of the IR--
[thump]
- Over there, that is
where Agnet of Troll Tower
finally married Edenberry Elf.
Nick: Huh, ha.
Edenberry Elf.
Baldric: Yeah.
Oh, back there,
that is where
a cannibal baker tried
[laughs]
making Princess Gretta
into a pie.
[laughs loudly]
Oh, and right over here,
this is the spot where I--
- ♪ Hexela's concentrated
age-reversing seruuuum-- ♪
[screams]
Jacopo: I told you not now,
witch.
You disturb
the Signore Nick Reeves.
Nick: No, I'm good,
I'm not disturbed.
Hexela: Oh.
Jacopo: Oh,
but say the word Signore
and we burn the witch.
Hexela: Oh, well,
I'd love to see you try.
Jacopo: It will take
but a match.
Dwight: Drop it!
Hexela: [angry huff]
Baldric: Hexela! Hexela!
Jacopo: Where is the potty pie?
Dwight: We need more time.
Jacopo: [indistinct]
- Almost ready,
Mr. Reeves.
[nervous chuckle]
Don't you worry.
You just, you hang in there.
Stall him.
- Come.
Come.
And now, we throw the knives!
All: [cheering]
- Chlodwig!
It's, it's really actually way,
way safer than it looks.
[cheering]
Dwight: Oh.
Okay,
let's just talk about this.
Okay.
Jacopo: This tavern is not only
for the food
and the bubbly Shasta.
- Hey can
you just, uh,
go,
over,
oh.
- [yells]
All: [cheering]
Jacopo: It's also
for the entertainment
for the whole family.
Bring the kids,
everybody has a good time.
- Wait, wait, wait.
[yells]
- [yells]
Jacopo: [cheers]
Dwight: Oh no,
is someone stealing
the guys horse
that's spinning the wheel?
- Get me down!
- I give my people
what they want.
- Where's my sword?
[growls]
- Hey!
Hey, hey!
Jacopo: And my people
they love me.
[thwap]
Jacopo: Ah!
Dwight: Nick, I am so sorry,
don't worry about them.
They used to like
the same girl, and...
Nick: Is the show starting?
Dwight: The show?
Nick: The tavern brawl
dinner show.
Jacopo: [groan]
Dwight: Yep.
No flash photography please.
Jacopo: Yah!
[thump]
Chlodwig: Yah!
All: [cheering]
Jacopo: [growls]
[thump]
[cheering]
[thump]
Jacopo: [yell]
[crash]
[cheering]
Dwight: Good show!
Yeah.
- Whoa, bravo!
Wow.
De.
- I know how you feel, Nick.
- You do?
- Like time is marching
relentlessly on
leaving you every day older
and older and...
- Uh.
- Older.
Nick: [exhales] Well.
Hexela: Your youth fading
like a distant happy memory.
Nick: Oh,
I guess maybe sometimes--
- Shhh!
[tsking]
I have the remedy.
[breathy sound and gasp]
Hexela's concentrated
age-reversing serum.
See results
in just one teensy sip.
Jacopo: Go, go, go!
Hexela: [scream]
Jacopo: Witch,
or I will light the stick.
Hexela: [growls]
- Is that cinnamon?
- Hexela's concentrated
age-reversing serum
is distilled for potency.
One bottle should,
well, if used correctly,
last an entire lifetime.
[thunk]
[explosion]
[puff]
- I have the potty pie.
Dwight: Pot pie.
Jacopo: Where is
the Signore Nick Reeves?
Dwight: He was right here.
Nick: I can give.
Hexela: [tsking]
Gretta: [gasp]
- Oh Nick.
Nick: No, go, look, look.
Dwight: [nervous chuckles]
Dwight: Nick.
Nick: Yeah.
[indistinct]
Hexela: Give me that,
you naughty wittle tease.
Jacopo: Nick Reeves?
Hexela: Did you drink
too much concentrated
age-reversing serum,
yes, you did.
Jacopo: For this
we burn the witch.
Gretta: That shall not be
helpful.
How do we reverse
the reversing spell?
Hexela: Uh, we wait.
Dwight: How long?
Hexela: About 60 years.
Jacopo: Gkk.
This is my little godson,
Dolmitzio.
Nick: Mitzibo.
Jacopo: Dolmitzio.
Dwight: My nephew...
Nick: [whispers] Good job.
Dwight: George.
Gretta: Just an orphan
we found in the gutter.
[sniffs]
[gags]
Dwight: [agitated yelps]
You gotta have some kind
of an antidote,
like an undo spell.
Hexela: Hm, ho.
We could try this.
Gretta: What is it?
Hexela: Ah, it's an undo spell.
Dwight: We could try that.
Nick: 'Kay.
Gretta: Okay.
Nick: Whoa.
Dwight: Whoa!
What is that?
Over there in the place,
on the...
[powerful whoosh]
Dwight: Nick Reeves!
You're old again!
I mean, you're back.
I mean, you look good.
You look good, man.
Jacopo: Buon appetito,
Signore.
Nick: That looks fantastic!
Gretta: I know.
Jacopo: Grazie,
not for you, Principessa.
Nick: Forks up!
My compliments
to Eberulf the chef,
who in spite of being a bit
of an ogre cooked up
the best woodchuck-shaped
pot pie I've ever had.
Nick and Baldric: [chuckle]
Nick: But you don't come
to the Swine and Slosh Tavern
just for the unique food,
you come
for an immersive experience
that transports you
to a fantastical,
fairytale world.
Jacopo the tavern owner,
the staff,
and even the tavern regulars,
stick to their roles
with delightful commitment.
Oh, and be sure not to miss
the tavern brawl dinner show.
It's one of the real highlights
of the Swine and Slosh
experience.
This is Nick Reeves
from the Woodside Food Network
giving the Swine and Slosh
Tavern two forks up!
[cheering]
Dwight: Unbelievable.
[cheering continues]
Jacopo: We win.
I win.
[laughs]
I win. I win.
I win.
I win. I win.
I win.
Ah!
♪
everything you need to know.
- The tavern is closed.
- Health code violation.
Gretta: For one case
of the plague?
Who's running the tavern now?
- Welcome to my tavern.
[exhale]
You give the good smell,
the bubbles,
they go into your nose,
it's very--
Ah! More customers.
Dwight: Hey Jacopo.
You seen Gretta?
We're supposed to meet her
here for lunch.
- Our lunches are
the finest in the land.
All: [cheering]
- Why are you still here?
Where's Hellibad?
- He has fled from the IRF.
- IRS.
- Eh, no.
- I have a plan!
- [clears throat]
- I'm happy for you, man.
And super impressed.
Owning your own business,
it takes grit and guts
and hard work and...
Woman: Here's the cash.
Jacopo: Oh.
Dwight: Cash?
- Bravo!
My angel ladies.
[mwah, mwah]
Ah.
[mwah, mwah]
[sigh]
[mwah, mwah]
Ah.
Dwight: Mrs. Brinkelhurst.
Mrs. Walton.
Mrs. Tenney.
- All of you know
each other?
Dwight: From
Nana's fitness class
at the senior center.
Mrs. Tenney:
How's business, partner?
Jacopo: [chuckles] Bene.
Bene!
All: [cheering]
- We can't stay.
Mrs. Tenney: We've got
Jazzercise in 20 minutes.
Mrs. Walton: Oh, remember,
our shareholders meeting
is Friday at 4.
Dwight: Shareholders.
Mrs. Walton: I'm bringing
fruit kebabs.
- Perfetto, my dear ones.
Addio.
[mwah]
Dwight: Hm.
Jacopo: [laughs]
[sigh of relief]
- Tell me
if I've got this right?
You bought this tavern
with the money you took
from a bunch
of little old ladies?
- The savings
of their entire lives.
- Which you sunk
into this greasy,
medieval tavern?
Jacopo: Corretto.
Mrs. Walton: Oh,
break a leg today.
Jacopo: [chuckles]
- What's today?
- [sniffs deeply then sighs]
Dwight: Thanks.
By entering this venue,
you consent to be filmed
by the Woodside Food Network.
The Woodside Food Network
is coming here?
- Si.
At this very moment.
Come, and meet
the Signore Nick Reeves.
Dwight: Did you say
Nick Reeves?
Jacopo: Si!
Ha, ha!
- Jacopo.
Nick Reeves is the most
respected restaurant critic
in Woodside.
Jacopo: Si.
Dwight: One bad review
and those little old ladies
could lose their life savings.
Jacopo: But whyever should
the review be bad, eh?
No more plague in my tavern!
Have no fear, peasants!
- Oh, wow.
- Eh, what's amiss?
- It's Nick Reeves.
Jacopo: Ah, ha ha.
Signore Nick Reeves.
Dwight: No!
Okay, so
about a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta.
And she was in big trouble,
'cause she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal
with Gretta's big scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up...
instead...
[crash]
[kiss]
they got me.
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
[upbeat modern music]
- Welcome to Forks Up!
brought to you
by the Woodside Food Network.
I'm your host, Nick Reeves,
and here we are
at the grand reopening
of the Swine and Slosh Tavern.
A quaint and cozy restaurant
with old world decor
and an eccentric menu.
I'm here
with the tavern's new owner,
Jacobo Troubadour.
Jacopo: Uh, Jacopo, noble sir.
And I am no longer a troubadour.
Dwight: And I'm Dwight.
[light chuckle]
I represent the investors.
This is a big day for them.
For all of us,
for the Swine and Slosh Tavern,
and for Woodside.
The Swine and Slosh Tavern.
You can get your swine
and your slosh?
Nick: So, Jacopo,
what gives
the Swine and Slosh Tavern
its unique character?
- It has no more plague.
The plague, she has
[breathy sounds]
all gone away.
Dwight: And, this is a place
where everybody
from everywhere is welcome.
[laughs]
[distant coughing]
Jacopo: No! No!
Not you!
You bring the disease!
Ha!
He!
Hi!
Ah-ha-ha!
- We're very pro-hygiene,
uh, the previous owner had
a very small, minor
health code violation,
way back when.
- The cook died
of the rat plague.
It was a tragic loss.
He made the best kidney pie
in the kingdom.
Jacopo: I have taken
measures, si?
We check the tongues.
We burn the incense.
Oh.
[jangling]
- And, oh,
come, come, come, come.
Ha, yes.
Every leper
must wear a bell, huh?
[loud bell]
- That's actually,
if you think about it,
not a bad idea.
[bell continues]
Chlodwig: Hear ye, one and all!
What men among you have
the courage to join me in battle
against the tyrannous knights
of the IRF?
- He means the IRS.
Chlodwig: For glory!
For honor!
Yes, Hellibad was a ruthless,
and cruel and vicious,
but at least he wasn't
a lute-plucking, scullion.
Dwight: More to see inside,
come on.
Let's go.
[nervous laugh]
Yeah, this way.
This is where the real,
this is the place
that we're going to.
Jacopo: Come.
Come inside,
Signore Nick Reeves.
Say goodbye
to the angry lunatic.
[laughs]
He has the plague.
- I don't have the plague.
- Then what has disfigured
your face so horribly?
- Welcome
to the Swine and the Slosh!
All: [cheering]
- I have always dreamed
of having my own tavern.
Well, that is not so true.
My heart's dream is to be
king of the realm and rule
with the iron fist
of justice.
But until that day,
having a tavern is not so bad.
Nick: Wow!
This really does feel like
stepping into a different world.
Dwight: Right? Right?
And old-timey.
Baldric: Barkeep!
Another soda.
After a long day
of seeing to the needs
of Princess Gretta,
I do enjoy a pint
of orange soda,
perhaps it's the tickly bubbles
up the nose,
or the pleasantly fruity burps,
or perhaps it's the...
- It's the high fructose
corn syrup..
Jacopo: This is Andirk.
All: Andrus!
Jacopo: And this is Ilka.
All: Ilka!
Jacopo: And this is Baldric.
All: Baldric!
Jacopo: And this is my good
fr--
Hexela: Hexela's concentrated
age-reversing serum.
All: Hexela's
concen..trated..age...
- The Swine and Slosh Tavern
is just a hop and skip
from my salon,
Hexela's lotions and potions.
Where my products
are guaranteed
to make you less old.
And less ugly.
Jacopo: Shoo, off, shoo, shoo.
- Shoo me again, sir,
and you'll wake up a CABBAGE!
Nick: Did she say cabbage?
Dwight: Did she?
I missed it.
Um, oh, whoa, watch it.
Bodies all over.
[nervous chuckle]
How about a tour
of the kitchen, huh?
Jacopo: [nervous yelps]
Dwight: Right this way.
Jacopo: The kitchen, come.
Dwight: Come on, this is
where the real magic happens.
Jacopo: Uh, si.
The magic.
[chickens bocking,
wings flapping]
- Where are--
Are we in the parking lot?
[truck rattling]
Jacopo: What a smell, eh?
[sighs happily]
Dwight: The menu follows
a basically paleo diet
with simple ingredients
that you can pronounce like,
um...
Jacopo: Squirrels...
pigeons...
a woodchuck.
- Just kidding!
[nervous chuckle]
It's not actually a,
a real woodchuck in there.
Holy moly!
Jacopo: You see this pot
for the stew.
- Yeah.
Jacopo: This pot is filled
with the flavors of the ages.
It has not been washed
since 952.
Eh?
Dwight: This morning.
9:52, this morning.
We take our food handling
very, very seriously.
Jacopo: Assolutamente.
You see here.
Huh?
Eh?
Ha, ha!
Dwight: We're very proud
of that.
- Si.
Nick: Well.
You guys seem
to be bringing back
some old school
cooking techniques.
- By a chef
with a genuine passion
for cooking.
Ogre: [humming to himself]
[cat meows]
Jacopo: Ah, my cook!
You must meet him.
Signore Nick Reeves.
[cat meows]
Come, come!
Dwight: No, no, no...
no.
Uh.
Jacopo: He is Eberulf the Ogre.
- [hiss]
Dwight: Eberulf?
Nick: The ogre?
Dwight: Yeah.
Yeah, we just,
we like to give him a hard time
'cause he's kind of
a grumpy ogre of a guy.
[fake laughs]
Hey Eberulf, why you gotta be
such an ogre all the time, man?
[nervous chuckle]
Ogre: [growls]
Dwight: [screams]
Ogre: [growls]
Dwight: Ah!
Oof!
[groans]
Ogre: [growls]
Jacopo: [laughs]
- [laughs]
Eberulf, what a character
that guy.
Man, he's uh, he's
uh, he's the best.
Ah.
Nick: So uh,
whatcha cooking up, chef?
Ogre: [imitates chicken
in distress]
- He's uh, he's
[breathing heavily]
Flemish.
- Ah!
There you are fellows.
- Oh, hey Gretta.
- [growls]
[shink]
- Hya.
Ogre: [bellows]
[fighting sounds]
Jacopo: [laughs]
'Tis a simple quarrel.
The ogre wishes
to cook the princess,
and the princess wishes
not to be cooked.
- Prinducken.
'Tis an ogre delicacy.
A chicken, stuffed in a duck,
stuffed in a princess.
[fighting sounds]
Jacopo: It will end
in disappointment
for one of them.
[fighting sounds continue]
- They're just uh,
practicing for the um,
tavern brawl dinner show.
Jacopo: Scusa me?
[clang]
Dwight: Yes!
The tavern brawl dinner show.
Gretta: [grunt]
[clang]
Dwight: Oh, come on, Nick,
uh how about
we just go this way.
No spoilers,
that's just a sneak peek.
Get ready
for the full thing.
Let's go, you don't want--
- [roars]
Jacopo: Your table is ready,
Signore Nick Reeves.
Ah,
[mwah]
[sighs]
Nick: Grazie.
Jacopo: Prego.
Ah, your Italian is bene.
Nick: [chuckles]
Eh, who's that guy?
Jacopo: [happy sigh]
Barber: Anson Swift,
Barber Surgeon.
I visit the tavern
every Thursday
from midday to sundown
to offer my services.
Baldric: Well, I've been going
to Anson Swift for years.
I will allow no one else
to touch this hair,
or this beard.
Anson: I cut hair
and shave beards.
[pleasant chuckle]
Also apply leeches,
when necessary.
And, who here
needs a tooth pulled?
Sundry Patrons: Here!
Right here!
[clink, clink]
Anson: [pleasant laugh]
- Think of him
like a one stop shop
for all
your physical maintenance.
Dwight: What'll you have, Nick?
these are my choices?
Dwight: No.
Jacopo: Si.
Dwight: These are just
the options for,
for the shape of your pot pie.
We have a squirrel-shaped,
uh, the classic pigeon-shaped,
and woodchuck shape,
and uh, we broke
our cat-shaped pie pan,
so you know, hard times.
- Okay, I'm going to go
with the
woodchuck-shaped potpie.
Jacopo: Ah, it will be done,
immediatamente, Signore.
- [pained groans]
[loud relieved sighs]
Gretta: [grunting with effort]
Jacopo: What is the potty pie?
Dwight: It's not a potty pie,
it's a pot, I,
I'm sure Eberulf can--
Ah man!
Gretta: [yell]
Dwight: Hey!
Time out!
Don't!
Stop!
I--Uh--
Knock it off!
You two,
Ogre: [growls]
Dwight: Get.. over.
- You may fight
all you wish
after the closing time, for now,
you must make the potty pie.
Dwight: Pot pie.
Jacopo: Yes!
Shaped into the figure
of a woodchuck.
- Hoo!
Dwight: Okay, all right.
We're good.
We're all right.
How can we, uh, how can we help?
Chef, how can we help?
Okay, come on, Gretta.
All hands on deck.
- This ogre
can chop his own turnips.
- [growl]
Dwight: [clears throat]
- [high-pitched growl]
- [very low growl]
Dwight: [forced cheerfulness]
This is not the time
for petty grudges.
Gretta: Petty?
- Get chopping.
Nick Reeves wants a pot pie
shaped like a woodchuck.
Gretta: A, a what?
Dwight: We need to put
our differences aside
and pull together
or those little old ladies
are gonna be out on the street.
And this place will go
out of business
by the end of the month
and then where will you get
your squirrel pudding
and your pigeon muffins
and your, your uh,
cat kidney puffs?
Gretta: I do like those.
Dwight: Come on.
All right, we got this.
Jacopo, you go entertain
Nick Reeves.
Jacopo: Si.
I, I know just
the entertainment.
- [mocking] Uh, uh, uh, uh.
- The Swine and Slosh
is my most favorite tavern,
and Jacopo the Troubadour
is my least favorite fellow,
therefore I am on a quest
to defeat the knights
of the IR--
[thump]
- Over there, that is
where Agnet of Troll Tower
finally married Edenberry Elf.
Nick: Huh, ha.
Edenberry Elf.
Baldric: Yeah.
Oh, back there,
that is where
a cannibal baker tried
[laughs]
making Princess Gretta
into a pie.
[laughs loudly]
Oh, and right over here,
this is the spot where I--
- ♪ Hexela's concentrated
age-reversing seruuuum-- ♪
[screams]
Jacopo: I told you not now,
witch.
You disturb
the Signore Nick Reeves.
Nick: No, I'm good,
I'm not disturbed.
Hexela: Oh.
Jacopo: Oh,
but say the word Signore
and we burn the witch.
Hexela: Oh, well,
I'd love to see you try.
Jacopo: It will take
but a match.
Dwight: Drop it!
Hexela: [angry huff]
Baldric: Hexela! Hexela!
Jacopo: Where is the potty pie?
Dwight: We need more time.
Jacopo: [indistinct]
- Almost ready,
Mr. Reeves.
[nervous chuckle]
Don't you worry.
You just, you hang in there.
Stall him.
- Come.
Come.
And now, we throw the knives!
All: [cheering]
- Chlodwig!
It's, it's really actually way,
way safer than it looks.
[cheering]
Dwight: Oh.
Okay,
let's just talk about this.
Okay.
Jacopo: This tavern is not only
for the food
and the bubbly Shasta.
- Hey can
you just, uh,
go,
over,
oh.
- [yells]
All: [cheering]
Jacopo: It's also
for the entertainment
for the whole family.
Bring the kids,
everybody has a good time.
- Wait, wait, wait.
[yells]
- [yells]
Jacopo: [cheers]
Dwight: Oh no,
is someone stealing
the guys horse
that's spinning the wheel?
- Get me down!
- I give my people
what they want.
- Where's my sword?
[growls]
- Hey!
Hey, hey!
Jacopo: And my people
they love me.
[thwap]
Jacopo: Ah!
Dwight: Nick, I am so sorry,
don't worry about them.
They used to like
the same girl, and...
Nick: Is the show starting?
Dwight: The show?
Nick: The tavern brawl
dinner show.
Jacopo: [groan]
Dwight: Yep.
No flash photography please.
Jacopo: Yah!
[thump]
Chlodwig: Yah!
All: [cheering]
Jacopo: [growls]
[thump]
[cheering]
[thump]
Jacopo: [yell]
[crash]
[cheering]
Dwight: Good show!
Yeah.
- Whoa, bravo!
Wow.
De.
- I know how you feel, Nick.
- You do?
- Like time is marching
relentlessly on
leaving you every day older
and older and...
- Uh.
- Older.
Nick: [exhales] Well.
Hexela: Your youth fading
like a distant happy memory.
Nick: Oh,
I guess maybe sometimes--
- Shhh!
[tsking]
I have the remedy.
[breathy sound and gasp]
Hexela's concentrated
age-reversing serum.
See results
in just one teensy sip.
Jacopo: Go, go, go!
Hexela: [scream]
Jacopo: Witch,
or I will light the stick.
Hexela: [growls]
- Is that cinnamon?
- Hexela's concentrated
age-reversing serum
is distilled for potency.
One bottle should,
well, if used correctly,
last an entire lifetime.
[thunk]
[explosion]
[puff]
- I have the potty pie.
Dwight: Pot pie.
Jacopo: Where is
the Signore Nick Reeves?
Dwight: He was right here.
Nick: I can give.
Hexela: [tsking]
Gretta: [gasp]
- Oh Nick.
Nick: No, go, look, look.
Dwight: [nervous chuckles]
Dwight: Nick.
Nick: Yeah.
[indistinct]
Hexela: Give me that,
you naughty wittle tease.
Jacopo: Nick Reeves?
Hexela: Did you drink
too much concentrated
age-reversing serum,
yes, you did.
Jacopo: For this
we burn the witch.
Gretta: That shall not be
helpful.
How do we reverse
the reversing spell?
Hexela: Uh, we wait.
Dwight: How long?
Hexela: About 60 years.
Jacopo: Gkk.
This is my little godson,
Dolmitzio.
Nick: Mitzibo.
Jacopo: Dolmitzio.
Dwight: My nephew...
Nick: [whispers] Good job.
Dwight: George.
Gretta: Just an orphan
we found in the gutter.
[sniffs]
[gags]
Dwight: [agitated yelps]
You gotta have some kind
of an antidote,
like an undo spell.
Hexela: Hm, ho.
We could try this.
Gretta: What is it?
Hexela: Ah, it's an undo spell.
Dwight: We could try that.
Nick: 'Kay.
Gretta: Okay.
Nick: Whoa.
Dwight: Whoa!
What is that?
Over there in the place,
on the...
[powerful whoosh]
Dwight: Nick Reeves!
You're old again!
I mean, you're back.
I mean, you look good.
You look good, man.
Jacopo: Buon appetito,
Signore.
Nick: That looks fantastic!
Gretta: I know.
Jacopo: Grazie,
not for you, Principessa.
Nick: Forks up!
My compliments
to Eberulf the chef,
who in spite of being a bit
of an ogre cooked up
the best woodchuck-shaped
pot pie I've ever had.
Nick and Baldric: [chuckle]
Nick: But you don't come
to the Swine and Slosh Tavern
just for the unique food,
you come
for an immersive experience
that transports you
to a fantastical,
fairytale world.
Jacopo the tavern owner,
the staff,
and even the tavern regulars,
stick to their roles
with delightful commitment.
Oh, and be sure not to miss
the tavern brawl dinner show.
It's one of the real highlights
of the Swine and Slosh
experience.
This is Nick Reeves
from the Woodside Food Network
giving the Swine and Slosh
Tavern two forks up!
[cheering]
Dwight: Unbelievable.
[cheering continues]
Jacopo: We win.
I win.
[laughs]
I win. I win.
I win.
I win. I win.
I win.
Ah!
♪