Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 4, Episode 10 - The Grim Reaper - full transcript

Dwight: Here's pretty much
everything you need to know.

- Fly away with me.

- Anywhere.

Dwight: Whatever happened
with you and Agnet?

- She was eaten
by a rampaging giant.

A deal.

- Not a soul
to be seen within.

Dwight: And there it is.

Health code violation.

- For one case
of the plague?

[stuttering]



Who is this hysterical
health inspector?

Hm?

Chlodwig: What ho, Barkeep?

- The tavern is closed.

And Hellibad is fled.

Chlodwig: Fled?

- From the health inspector?

- From the IRS.

- Oh.

Chlodwig: What the devil
is that?

- The guys who make sure
you pay your taxes.

Chlodwig: No, not the IRF.

That!

Oh no!



It's her!

Barkeep: Who?

[horn honking]

- Agnet.

Agnet: Sweet heaven!

Dwight: Agnet.

What happened?

- Where's my true love?!

Dwight: Uh.

Chlodwig: For the last time,
Agnet.

I will never marry you.

- Ugh, not you, Chlodwig.

Where is my sweet Jacopo?

'Twas my good fortune
that the giant was old

and all but toothless.

[chuckles]

I suffered
an unpleasant gumming.

Dwight: Ew.

So there is a super old giant
out here,

chomping on people
with his toothless old gums?

Agnet: I managed to leap
from his jaws for my life,

oh and now I wish
only to find my prince.

Chlodwig: Prince, hm.

Dwight: Well, the last time
we saw Jacopo,

he was running off
trying to find a cave

to hide out in
from the Tovenaars.

Well, the only caves out here
are right up this way.

[whirling]

[thuds]

- Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Jacopo: Who goes there?

Chlodwig: 'Tis I,
Prince Chlodwig the Unstable.

Gretta: And I,
Princess Gretta the Besieged.

- And Dwight.

Jacopo: How shall I know that
you are truly the Principessa,

the Piggy Prince
and the Champion Monkey Boy?

Gretta/Dwight/Chlodwig: Jacopo?

Agnet: Jacopo?

My Jacopo?

- Cara mia?

- Jacopo!

- Yah!

[romantic music]

Agnet: [squeals]

[thoink]

Jacopo: Oh my lost love.

Agnet: My darling.

Jacopo: Quickly to the cave

before the undead
skeleton demon finds us.

Gretta: Never fear, Jacopo.

The Tovenaars are no more.

Chlodwig: Sir Dwight
vanquished them.

- Oh.

- Oh, who cares,

now that I have finally found
my handsome prince

we may move on
to the wedding plans.

- Ah si, bella.

Agnet: [giggles]

♪

Dwight: Okay, so about
a thousand years ago

there was this princess, Gretta,
and she was in big trouble

'cause she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.

♪

So, her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.

It put everyone in the woods
to sleep

until a champion would come
break the spell with his kiss

and deal with Gretta's
big scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Instead,

Ahhh!

[kiss]

they got me.

Ahh!

♪

Ow!

♪

♪

Agnet: Play the fanfare
Prince Chlodwig!

[fanfare plays loudly]

Agnet: [squeals]

Read the scroll.

- Hear ye, one and all.

The joyous pronouncement
of the wedding

betwixt Agnet of the Troll Tower

and her chosen betrothed,
Jacopo the Troubador.

The blessed ceremony
will take place

at noon day tomorrow.

Jacopo: Tomorrow?

Dwight: Tomorrow?

Agnet: The invitation.

Chlodwig: You are all invited
to the happy occasion.

- The gifts.

- Bring a gift.

Agnet: Now play the trumpet,
you oaf!

- [plays two notes]

- It's official my love,
we are engaged to be married!

Jacopo: Ah yes, my dream,
but uh, tomorrow?

- Isn't that only
a day away?

- A long engagement
leads to nothing but misfortune.

Jacopo: Si, but tomorrow?

- It gives the evil spirits
more time

to curse the beautiful bride.

Gretta: She does have a point.

Agnet: Speaking of, Gretta.

[slap]

Agnet: Gretta,
will you be my bridesmaid?

- I suppose someone must.

- [squeal]

So Sir Dwight, you must be
Jacopo's groomsman.

- Wow, oh, okay, sure,

but I still think one day
is rushing things.

- Si.

Is much too much of a rush.

- There is no such thing
as rushing into a marriage.

Okay, should we get changed?

- Changed?

- Between the engagement
and the wedding--

Agnet: [screams]

Don't say that.

- Wedding?

- [screams]

It is bad luck to say that word
during an engagement.

Instead one should say
day of joys,

or blissful occasion

or an answer
to a maiden's prayer.

[chuckle]

- Between the engagement
and the

[stuttering] the day of joys,

the bridesmaid wears
the bride's clothes

and the bride wears
the bridesmaid's clothes.

- Oh.

Why?

Gretta: To confuse
the evil spirits

who are bent on cursing
the bride and her

[stuttering] marriage.

Agnet: And the groom will wear
the groomsman's clothes

and the groomsman will wear
the groom's clothes.

- So that I get cursed
instead of this guy?

- Esattamente.

Dwight: Ah.

[coughing]

Agnet: [squeal]

- You okay?

Gretta: To ensure good fortune,

the groom must carry the bride
over every threshold.

- Oh, that sounds...

exhausting.

Gretta: Just from the day
of the engagement

to the day of their wedding.

Agnet: [screams]

- Ugh.

Day of joys.

Dwight: Is nobody else concerned
that we are hosting a wedding--

Agnet: [screams]

Dwight: --a husband and wife
creating ceremony tomorrow,

and we don't even have a venue?

Chlodwig: I know of
an inescapable pit.

Dwight: Come on, Gretta.

You're the bridesmaid
and I'm the...

I'm the groomsman,

so we have to pull
this thing together.

Gretta: I have it!

Dwight: This place has...

a lot of character, right?

Jacopo/Agnet: [grunting]

Agnet: You can set me down,
my darling.

No, no, no!

Not here.

Um, over there is fine.

Yes, thank you.

[grunt]

Dwight: So, I worked a miracle
with the landlord

and we're good
as long as nobody crosses

the quarantine tape
to the kitchen.

Agnet: [gasps]

Elves!

It's good luck to have elves
at a wedding.

[screams]

Blissful occasion.

Nathan: Hi there.

You must be the bride and groom.

Congratulations.

We are Edenberry and the Elves.

[soft off key strum]

Dwight: They play Ren fairs
and LARPing events.

Nathan: And medieval-themed
weddings.

Agnet: [screams]

Nathan: Okay...

Dwight: Try not to say wedding.

Agnet: [screams]

Dwight: [yelp]

Lucky for us,
they're available tomorrow.

Nathan: Mm-hm.

Agnet: That is lucky indeed.

Dwight: Okay.

Guys, we just have to settle
on a catering menu

and the bouquets.

Also, we have all the dresses
in your size

available to rent
from the bridal shop.

Agnet: I will leave
the trivial decisions to you.

I'm far too busy choosing
a suitable cheese wheel.

Gretta: [whispering] Ah.

- Translation?

Gretta: The bridesmaid
rolls a cheese wheel

down the aisle before the bride
for good luck.

- Fine.

It's your wedding.

Agnet: [screams]

- Mmh, sorry.

♪

Agnet: Oh-ho-ho!

I love this song.

Dance with me, my Prince.

♪

So tell me, my Prince.

After we are married, what next?

- Never fear, dolcezza.

I am a man of ambition.

[clap, clap, clap]

I have a little money set aside
for the right

[clap, clap, clap]

business venture.

Agnet: Oh, no, no, no,
my darling.

I was hoping to have a future
with no cares,

only focusing on each other.

Jacopo: Oh.

[clap, clap, clap]

How nice that will be.

[clap, clap, clap]

- The Troll Tower
where I grew up

is standing vacant.

- Troll... Tower?

Agnet: Deep in the most
uncharted woods

where never a soul ventures.

[clap, clap, clap]

- Never?

Not a soul?

Agnet: No.

[clap, clap, clap]

Oh, I have thousands of ideas
on how to fix it up.

We can make it into
our little love nest.

Just you, me,
and a flock of children.

[clap, clap, clap]

- Flock?

[clap]

Agnet: Oh.

- Thank you.

Forgive me but a moment, my...

[stuttering] adored one.

Agnet: [giggle]

Nathan: So, how did
you two meet?

- He rescued me from
getting roasted by the orcs.

- Wow.

Agnet: And after tomorrow,

we shall run away
to my Troll Tower in the woods

and never, ever, ever return.

[sigh]

- That sounds amazing.

- Well, we have each other.

What more do we need?

Dwight: Okay, people.

Since we are actually
going through with this thing,

I have a florist delivering
the bouquets

and the centerpieces
tomorrow morning.

Gretta: And,

Popeyes [popeez] fried chicken

will provide the chicken strips.

- 'Tis the cheese wheel
we must find.

Gretta, come, come.

We must.

As my bridesmaid,
you must come.

You must.

Jacopo: [crying]

- Jacopo?

You okay, man?

Jacopo: Certamente.

I am bound by the rules
of chivalry.

Yeah.

[muttering]

♪

Male singer: ♪ You're singin'
our song, yeah. ♪

♪ La la la laaa. ♪

♪ Your voice always carries
to me. ♪

♪ So I'll listen
as the days go by. ♪

♪ I'll listen
as the days go by. ♪

♪ I'll listen
as the years go by. ♪

♪ I'll listen as the years... ♪

Dwight: Thank you.

Male singer: ♪ ...go by. ♪

♪

Dwight: [sighs]

Gretta: [grunts]

[thumping]

- Hey there, Jacopo.

How you feelin'?

- Like a condemned man
at the gallows.

- Uhhh...

Well, weddings put a lot
of strain on relationships.

But after today
it'll just be you and--

- The crazy woman.

- Oh.

Jacopo: I'm trapped like a rat
in the rat trap.

But the rules of chivalry.

I cannot break an engagement.

Dwight: Dude, it's not too late
to put the brakes on.

- No.

I am a man of my honor.

Gretta: [indistinct whispering]

♪

Baldric: Step forward,
bridegroom.

♪

[shoes thudding]

Dwight: What are you doing?!

- Throwing a shoe
at the groom for good luck.

Gretta: Time to roll the cheese.

[grunts]

♪

[panting]

- Step forward, bride.

Female singers: ♪ Oooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la-la,
sha-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Oooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la-la,
sha-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Oooooh. ♪

Baldric: We gather
on this day of joys

to marry this man...

and this woman.

If anyone here objects
to this marriage,

let them speak now.

♪

Dwight: Sorry,
I gotta say something.

Audience/Agnet: [gasp]

Baldric: What?

No.

Gretta: What are you doing?

Chlodwig: Sit down this instant.

Dwight: I just think
this whole thing

was maybe a little bit rushed.

Baldric: Oh.

Dwight: You'd known each other
for less than a day

when the giant gummed you,
right?

And then you'd only been
back together a few hours

when you got engaged.

And that was yesterday.

I mean, what is the big hurry?

Agnet: Sir Dwight,
I am terribly flattered.

You know I've always
been fond of you.

But I am sworn to Jacopo.

Jacopo: [deranged laughing]

No more, signorina.

I am a gentleman
in that I step aside.

You are free, bella.

[continues deranged laughing]

I wish you all the joy!

[laughing]

Oh!

Here I come!

Ohh, this day is mine!

- Huh?

Wha--

I-I--

He's still got my clothes.

Gretta: What have you done?

- I couldn't let the guy
marry a girl he doesn't love.

Chlodwig: And you would rather
marry the girl yourself?

- What?

Gretta: If a man objects
to the wedding,

he must take the place
of the groom

if the groom has stepped aside.

- No way.

Chlodwig: Or face
the consequences.

- [scared groan]

♪

Baldric: Step forward,
bridegroom.

♪

Dwight: I...

♪

It turns out this is--

[shoes thudding]

Oh, ow, ow, ouch!

--a big misunderstanding.

Oh!

Baldric: Okay, just breathe.

Breathe, breathe.

♪

Step forward, bride.

Female singers: ♪ Oooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la-la,
sha-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Oooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la-la,
sha-la-la-la-la. ♪

Gretta: We must do something.

Female singers: ♪ Oooooh. ♪

Chlodwig: I have it!

I'll set fire
to the window dressings.

In the commotion we shall escape
through the quarantined kitchen

and start a new life
in a far away land.

Gretta: Ugh.

Baldric: We are gathered
on this day of joys...

to marry this thunder-headed
poop-noddy

and this fluffy-headed dingbat.

If anyone here present
objects to this marriage,

let them speak now.

[tense music]

- Listen, Agnet.

This is what happened.

I--

Chlodwig: I object!

Dwight: [gasping]

- Chlodwig!

Chlodwig: I cannot stand by
and watch my guy club brother

set a torch to his life.

- Oh, Chlodwig.

I didn't think
you still had feelings.

[chuckle]

But I've already given my heart
to Sir Dwight.

Baldric: All of two minutes ago.

Agnet: Oh, but I would hate
to disappoint him.

Dwight: No, no, no, we're cool.

I'm over it.

I'm, we're good.

- [squealing]

Baldric: He he he!

- I seriously owe you, man.

♪

Baldric: Step forward,
bridegroom.

♪

Gretta: We must save Chlodwig.

Dwight: How?

The guy with the axe
is still standing there.

Gretta: We shall set
the window dressings on fire

and during the ensuing panic

we shall flee
through the quarantined kitchen

and start a new life
for ourselves in a distant land.

Ugh, I must roll
the cheese again.

Baldric: You have the valor
of a thousand men,

Prince Chlodwig.

I salute you.

♪

Here comes the cheese.

♪

Step forward, bride.

Female singers: ♪ Oooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la-la,
sha-la-la-la-la. ♪

♪ Oooooh, ooh ♪

Agnet: Chlodwig, my prince.

How long I have dreamed
of this moment.

Baldric: We... are gathered
here today

to witness an act of nobility
and self sacrifice

the likes of which have never
been seen before in this realm.

To marry this saintly man
to this batty woman.

If anyone here present
objects to this marriage,

let them speak.

Dwight: Stop it Gretta!

No, you're not burning
the building down.

Nathan: I object.

Audience: [gasps]

Chlodwig: Ohh.

[thump]

Baldric: Chlodwig?

- Edenberry Elf?

Baldric: Who?

Nathan: Look, I know
this is crazy

'cause we've only known
each other

for like a day,

but you are the most amazing,
authentic, and alive person

I have ever known.

And I feel like I understand you
better than anyone

because you, you don't want
real life.

Real life is just
a day after day horror show

of alarm clocks and cubicles
and emails

and conference calls
and half-hour lunches

and twelve dollars
for a bad sandwich

and mandatory overtime

and then you do it again
tomorrow

and the next day
and the next day

until you're old

and you have nothing
to show for it

but a bunch of pay stubs

that add up to just like
a very small number.

But you don't want that.

And neither do I.

- Twelve dollar sandwiches?

- Let us flee from it all,
my queen.

Disappear into the great
wilderness of the world,

never to return.

- Step forward, bridegroom.

Female singers: ♪ Oooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la-la,
sha-la-la-la-la ♪

- Oh.

Uh-- Let's go.

Female singers: ♪ ...ooh ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la-la,
sha-la-la-la-la. ♪

- And the cheese.

♪

Step forward, bride.

Female singers:
♪ Sha-la-la-la-la, ♪

♪ sha-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Oooooh, ooh ♪

- Mm-kay.

[clears throat]

And here we are, again.

This odd little elf
wants to marry

this pea-brained woman.

Anyone object?

Audience: [indistinct mumbling]

- Anyone?

No?

Ah.

Do you, Edenberry Elf...

Nathan: Nathan Murray.

- Whatever.

...take Agnet of the Troll Tower
as your wife?

Answer yea or nay.

Nathan: Yea.

Baldric: And do you,
Agnet of the Troll Tower,

take Edenberry Elf--

Nathan: Nathan Murray.

- Eh.

...to be your husband?

- Yea.

Verily.

[giggle]

- I now pronounce you,
uh, elf and wife.

Nathan/Agnet:
[squealing excitedly]

[audience applause]

Nathan/Agnet:
[joyful laughter]

Nathan: Bye!

Dwight: And no more plague.

That's good news.

Chlodwig: What about Hellibad
fleeing the knights of the IRF?

Dwight: IRS.

Gretta: Who's running
the tavern now?

[chatter]

Jacopo: Ahhh.

Principessa, Champion Boy,
Piggy Brains.

Welcome to my Tavern!

♪