Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 5, Episode 3 - What's Amiss? - full transcript
Deep in the forest of Woodside, Baldric and Hexela discover a stone soldier that leads them to a witch's lair. When they find the witch's remains, Hexela contacts the witch's spirit and uncovers a murder mystery. Meanwhile, Gretta...
Dwight: 'Kay guys,
this outta get you
up to speed.
Hexela: [gasp]
A champion spell!
Oh!
I know of only one magician
who can command that spell.
[giggles]
The day may come
when I need your help
as badly as you needed mine.
- And you shall have it.
Gretta: My first experience
with love.
Baldric: Real love is
a different thing all together.
- It is?
Baldric: You'll know it.
♪
Hexela: Any moment now.
Baldric: You are certain?
Hexela: Beyond a doubt.
The miracle magnolias bloom
in this forest
six days, six hours
and six minutes
after the sixth rain
of the sixth new moon.
Baldric: But how many?
- Six.
- Six?
In all the woods?
- Yes.
Oh.
Oh!
It's time.
Look sharp.
They only bloom
for six hours.
- Six hours.
Hexela: Mmm.
- But we can't possibly search
this entire wood in six hours.
Hexela: Did you come to help
or spout negativity?
- [small growl]
- Dear me.
- What's amiss?
[rustling]
Hexela: A soldier.
- Sweet heaven.
- Made of stone.
- Where are the others?
Hexela: Others?
Baldric: Legions of them,
just like this one.
[intense music]
Baldric: Here!
Hexela: Look!
Another!
[ominous music]
- Baldric.
- They're still here.
- You've seen
these soldiers before?
- During the siege.
♪
We were attacked
from all sides
by all kinds of foe.
Hexela: And you turned them
to stone?
Baldric: No,
they were already stone.
And they were alive.
Hexela: Alive?
Baldric: Yes.
An army made of stone.
- Who was their commander?
- I don't know.
I had no choice
but to cast the champion spell
to put all the woods to sleep.
I know, I know, stone soldiers.
It sounds impossible.
- Not impossible.
I know of a spell
that can bring stone to life,
a liven spell
but in all my days
I've never heard
of a witch actually using it.
Baldric: Why not?
Hexela: Because a liven spell
costs the life of a witch.
She must be close by.
Baldric: Who?
Hexela: The witch.
Baldric: Which witch?
- Follow close.
- [disgusted] Oh.
Uchh.
[spooky music]
Baldric: What is this place?
Hexela: A witch's lair.
But where is the witch?
- [sniffs]
Hexela: [gasps]
Found her.
- Ew.
Dwight: Okay, so
about a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta,
and she was in big trouble
because she had lots of enemies,
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone
in the woods to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with
Gretta's big, scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Ah!
Instead...
[crash]
[kiss]
they got me.
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
Gretta: Oh.
Good morning, Baldric.
Gone on a quest.
[knocking]
[door squeaks]
♪
[slam]
[soft thump]
[shifting object]
- Hm.
To Baldric.
Royal Court Magician.
♪
[knocking]
Dwight: Hey, Mr. Hammond.
Mr. Hammond: Hey Dwight,
how can I help ya?
Dwight: Well, I'm on
the Teacher Appreciation
Brunch Committee.
Mr. Hammond:
But of course you are.
Dwight: And I'm about to put
the food order in.
- So, where's your girlfriend?
- My what?
- Gretta, she wasn't in class
today.
- Uh.
Well, she's, she's not uh,
I mean, you know, we're,
I, I think she just overslept
this morning.
And she's not my girlfriend.
I mean, we're just, we're,
we're, it's just, we're just,
we're, it's kinda complicated.
- It always is, Dwight.
Put me down
for a cinnamon French toast
and a yogurt berry parfait.
- Huh.
Mr. Hammond: And tell
your not-girlfriend
we have a quiz on Thursday.
♪
Baldric: Not much left of her.
Hexela: Just ash.
Baldric: Any idea
who she was?
[rustling]
- She was
from the Daugava coven.
- Your coven.
Gretta: [reading] No time
for delay.
Open this instant
or all is lost.
Hmm.
Oop.
[sighs happily]
[sniffs]
[explosion]
[gasp]
[slimy sound]
Hexela: It doesn't make
any sense Baldric.
Why would a witch
sacrifice herself
to bring an army
of stone soldiers to life?
Baldric: To lay siege
to our castle.
To overthrow Princess Gretta.
Hexela: But what's in it
for her?
Baldric: Well, she, I,
[unknowing grunt].
Hexela: We'll have to ask her.
- Who?
Hexela: The witch!
Baldric: How?
- Follow me.
[grinding click]
Baldric: [sighs]
♪
Hexela: This is
a Daugava pendant.
It holds a piece
of the owner's soul.
If we're lucky
she'll feel like talking.
- [clears throat]
- [sighs]
[satisfied sigh]
[waves crashing on shore]
[intense music]
- Oh, let me
ask the questions, Baldric.
Dead witches
are famously irritable.
- So are some live ones.
- Excuse me?
- Continue.
- You ready?
Baldric: [grunts]
- We'll only have
a minute or two.
- [grunts assent]
- [inhales sharply]
[loud phone vibrations]
- A thousand pardons.
- [huffs]
[click]
Baldric: Oh.
Good morrow, Highness.
- [distressed]
Baldric, the house!
It's at sea.
- Pardon?
Hello?
- I'm in an expanse
of water.
Baldric: I heartily agree,
Your Highness,
pants are hotter,
which is why
I prefer this airy robe.
[clears throat]
Let us continue this discussion
when I get home.
[clears throat]
Gretta: Baldric!
[click]
Baldric: Do carry on.
Hexela: Oh, thank you.
- [gasp]
Siri, send a message by text
to Baldric.
Siri: Text Baldric.
- At once.
Tell him I am afloat.
On the SEA!!
[frustrated growl]
[loud phone vibration]
Hexela: [frustrated huff]
Baldric: Oh. Do forgive me.
It's Her Highness.
Hexela: Oh.
Baldric: Tell,
Himey flow Tennessee.
Who is Himey?
Hexela: A mystery.
For another time,
don't you think?
Baldric: Ah, yes, of course.
Pray continue.
- [loud sigh]
[sniffs]
[clears throat]
Baldric: [clears throat]
- [exhales]
- [exhales]
Hexala: [inhales]
[explosion]
Both: Ahh!
Hexela: [gasps]
Witch: [tiny sneeze]
Hexela: Bless you.
Witch: Uchh.
Dusty.
Hexela!
Hexela: Yetza.
- You look amazing, Hexie.
Your hair,
is that a spell or a potion?
Hexela: Extensions.
Listen Yetza,
we haven't much time.
Yetza: Who's the dream muffin?
Hexela: [snapping]
Eyes over here, Yetza.
We have to talk, love.
Yetza: [shrieks]
Where is the rest of my body?
Hexela: You're dead, darling.
- Uchh.
Hexela: Just a floating head,
I'm afraid,
and not even that
in another minute.
Yetza: What happened?
Hexela: I'd hoped
you could tell me.
Baldric: You cast a liven spell
and attacked our castle
with a stone army.
- [dismissive laugh]
Why would I do that?
Baldric: Uh?
Yetza: Contrary to appearances,
I don't wish to be dead.
Why would I cast a spell
I know would kill me?
Hexela: You didn't cast
the spell?
Baldric: [stammering]
Who did then?
Speak up, madame!
Hexela: What's the last thing
you remember?
Yetza: I was in the woods
on the way to the Witch's Inn
and then--
Hexela, I met someone.
An old friend of ours.
- Who?
Yetza: She tied me to a stake.
Both: Who?
Yetza: She used me in her spell.
Both: Who?
Yetza: Oh, when I get my hands
on that little...
Both: No!
NO!
[banging]
Hexela: No, no!
Chlodwig: Oh.
Dwight: Hey guys!
Jacopo: Ah, champion boy.
And where is your princess?
Dwight: I don't know
what you're talking about,
she's not my princess,
we're just really good friends,
and I,
this is the food order
for the Teacher
Appreciation Brunch.
[clattering]
Jacopo: Ah, I take this
to my ogre in the kitchen.
It will be the most glorious
of brunches.
Ha!
Dwight: You're the best!
[clunk]
Dwight: You still
won't go inside?
- [growled uh-unh]
Where's Gretta?
- How would I know?
We're just friends.
We hang out.
We do stuff together.
I don't know why
everyone's trying to make it
into such a big thing.
-I see.
Dwight: What?
No! No, you don't.
You don't see, because
there is nothing to see,
whatever you think
you're seeing it's not there.
- You forget, Sir Dwight.
[thunk]
That I am an expert
in matters of love.
Dwight: Ah man.
[ringtone]
Chlodwig: Is it she?
Dwight: Quit it!
Chlodwig: How long
do you think
you can keep your feelings
from her?
Dwight: Dude, chill!
Gretta: [from phone] Dwight!
Dwight: Hey... Gretta.
Gretta: Can you hear me?
[crashing waves]
Sir Dwight!
Help!
[sounds of distress]
Dwight: Uh.
Gretta, can you hear me?
Chlodwig: Now is your moment
to pledge your troth.
Dwight: Ew.
Uh, Gretta, can you, uh,
sorry, can you say that again?
- I have gone to sea!
[breathing heavily]
Dwight: Gone to see what?
Gretta, can you say that again?
Sorry, I didn't,
I didn't quite get it.
Gretta, can you...
Gretta: Ah--
Dwight: Weird.
Chlodwig: What's amiss?
Dwight: Eh,
just a bad connection.
Chlodwig: Well, what do you
intend to do about it?
- Get a signal booster
out here?
Gretta: I am stranded
on the ocean within my house.
Send.
[text notification]
Chlodwig: A text
from your lady love.
Chlodwig: Who's Homie?
- Oh, curse you, autocorrector!
[frustrated yell]
Dwight: Not sure
how to respond to that.
Uh.
[creak]
[thunder]
Gretta: [gasp]
[slam]
Dwight: [startled yell]
Chlodwig: Faint heart
never won fair lady.
Jacopo: What fair lady?
Dwight: There's no fair lady.
Chlodwig: Princess Gretta.
Jacopo: Ah.
Dwight: Wow, really dude?
Jacopo: So I suspected.
Dwight: What?
No, you didn't.
Jacopo: Eh, si.
Dwight: You did?
Jacopo: Mm-hm.
Chlodwig: 'Tis plain,
Sir Dwight,
you are enamored
of the princess.
Dwight: That's,
that's just overstating it.
I think, in my opinion.
Just big overstatement.
Chlodwig: If you love her,
you must tell her.
Jacopo: [giggles]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That way is catastrophe.
You must hide your true desires
behind a mask of cool contempt.
The lady will want
what she thinks she cannot have.
Eh?
Chlodwig: Poppycock!
Lay bare your bosom!
- Please, don't say bosom.
Chlodwig: Overwhelm her
with displays of your love.
Jacopo: Certamente, no!
Entice her with your disdain.
Chlodwig: You must tell her
at once!
Jacopo: You do nothing!
Chlodwig: And let Homie
win the princess's affections?
- Homie?
Jacopo: You pretend
you care not at all.
Dwight: Okay, both of you stop.
Gretta is the best friend
I've ever had in my life,
and no matter what I want
or how I feel,
I'm not going to do anything
that could change that.
Jacopo and Chlodwig:
[sounds of disgust]
[door opening]
- Where are you going?
- I must summon a tribunal.
[exhales softly]
[inhales]
[melodic whistle]
- I did not know
you could whistle.
Hexela: Sh.
We'll see who answers.
[explosive poof]
Hexela: [relieved sigh]
Vika: Hexela, darling.
What's amiss, my love?
Hexela: Vika, Dyrena,
thank you for coming.
- Where's the emergency?
- A witch is dead.
One of our own coven.
- Who?
- Yetza.
Dyrena: Oh no, what happened?
Hexela: I suspect foul play.
Another witch.
This matter requires a tribunal.
[wheels clicking]
- Hey Gretta.
- Dwight!
Dwight, can you hear me?
- Gretta?
[static]
Uh, Gretta, you're cuttin' out.
[speaking loud and slow]
I'm almost to your house.
Gretta: Dwight!
[panicked breathing]
Dwight?
Don't go!
Don't leave me!
Uh.
Witches: [inhale]
[exhale]
Dyrena: As sisters
of the Daugava coven
we join hands
to form a tribunal.
Hexela: If a wrong has been done
we will find it and avenge it.
Vika: May truth prevail,
may justice reign.
Witches: [inhale]
[exhale]
Vika: Hexela.
You are called
to investigate this case
and bring back what you find
to the tribunal.
- I go at once.
Baldric: Uh, uh, at once?
But, but Hexie.
When will you be back?
Hexela: When I find the witch
who killed Yetza.
Dyrena: May truth prevail.
[explosive poof]
- May justice reign.
[explosive poof]
♪
[crash]
- 'Kay.
[phone vibration]
[click]
- [grouchily]
Yes, what is it, Sir Dwight?
Dwight: [on phone]
Your house is gone.
Baldric: [stammering]
Pardon?
Dwight: It's, it's gone.
All of it.
Even the plumbing.
Baldric, where's Gretta?
[thunder, crashing waves]
[splash]
Gretta: [panicked breathing]
Siri, take my final words
to Dwight.
Siri: Texting Dwight.
- [strained gasp]
Yes, please.
[gasping]
Tell him, tell him,
you are the finest man,
the worthiest knight,
and the noblest heart
I have ever known.
I bless the day
that fate brought you to me.
You are my truest friend.
[crack of thunder]
Baldric: [incoherent speech]
What's that?
Ha!
Those pranksters!
[laughing]
Dwight: Who? What?
Baldric: Oh, what a silly bunch
of jesters.
[laughs]
Dwight: What
are you talking about?
Where's Gretta?
Where is your house?
Baldric: Help me find the lid,
it has to be here somewhere,
Ha!
I do enjoy a good joke.
Oh! There it is!
Found it!
Ha, ha!
Ha, ha, ha!
- Wait, wait, wait.
Joke!?
Baldric: Ah.
[sigh]
From my brother magicians
in the guild.
Just a bit of harmless fun.
[crashing waves]
- If I am never able
to see you again,
I must tell you that, I, I
[electricity crackling]
[door creaking]
Gretta: Dwight!
Siri: Send to Dwight.
Gretta: No! No, no, no.
Delete message.
Destroy message
forever and all eternity.
Dwight: Are you okay?
Gretta: I, I was floating
on a billowing sea.
I, and I, tried to beckon you.
- Yeah, yeah, I couldn't hear.
Gretta: I, I tried
to message you by text,
but I was foiled
by the, the au, au...
- Autocorrect.
Gretta: Autocorrector.
Baldric: [chuckling]
[slam]
Baldric: I will show them
a thing or two about comedy.
Ha, ha, ha!
The gauntlet is down!
[continues laughing]
Dwight: You know what we need?
A bat signal.
A simple,
straightforward way to say,
come quick, I'm in trouble.
Like in Batman.
- Batman?
- I'll think of something.
- A bat signal, like uh,
Ah, ha!
Like this one.
- Ah, that's kinda literal.
When I said bat signal.
Gretta: Bat signal,
a simple
and straight forward way
for a princess to say
to her champion,
come at once, I am in peril.
- Yeah, but
when I said bat signal.
Gretta: Bat.
It's a bat.
Bat signal.
- It's perfect, Gretta.
- Shall we test it?
- Yes, yes, we shall.
- I'll find some trouble.
You just wait
for my, my bat, bat signal.
Bat signal.
- Wait, what?
Baldric: Here, Sir Dwight.
Reach in this sack.
And, and let's see what happens.
[weak laugh]
[door shuts]
- I don't think I will.
- But, but...
[phone vibration]
♪
Baldric: Anything amiss?
Dwight: No, just champion stuff.
Nothing I can't handle.
Baldric: Oh, but...
[slam]
- [sniff]
What a mess.
♪
this outta get you
up to speed.
Hexela: [gasp]
A champion spell!
Oh!
I know of only one magician
who can command that spell.
[giggles]
The day may come
when I need your help
as badly as you needed mine.
- And you shall have it.
Gretta: My first experience
with love.
Baldric: Real love is
a different thing all together.
- It is?
Baldric: You'll know it.
♪
Hexela: Any moment now.
Baldric: You are certain?
Hexela: Beyond a doubt.
The miracle magnolias bloom
in this forest
six days, six hours
and six minutes
after the sixth rain
of the sixth new moon.
Baldric: But how many?
- Six.
- Six?
In all the woods?
- Yes.
Oh.
Oh!
It's time.
Look sharp.
They only bloom
for six hours.
- Six hours.
Hexela: Mmm.
- But we can't possibly search
this entire wood in six hours.
Hexela: Did you come to help
or spout negativity?
- [small growl]
- Dear me.
- What's amiss?
[rustling]
Hexela: A soldier.
- Sweet heaven.
- Made of stone.
- Where are the others?
Hexela: Others?
Baldric: Legions of them,
just like this one.
[intense music]
Baldric: Here!
Hexela: Look!
Another!
[ominous music]
- Baldric.
- They're still here.
- You've seen
these soldiers before?
- During the siege.
♪
We were attacked
from all sides
by all kinds of foe.
Hexela: And you turned them
to stone?
Baldric: No,
they were already stone.
And they were alive.
Hexela: Alive?
Baldric: Yes.
An army made of stone.
- Who was their commander?
- I don't know.
I had no choice
but to cast the champion spell
to put all the woods to sleep.
I know, I know, stone soldiers.
It sounds impossible.
- Not impossible.
I know of a spell
that can bring stone to life,
a liven spell
but in all my days
I've never heard
of a witch actually using it.
Baldric: Why not?
Hexela: Because a liven spell
costs the life of a witch.
She must be close by.
Baldric: Who?
Hexela: The witch.
Baldric: Which witch?
- Follow close.
- [disgusted] Oh.
Uchh.
[spooky music]
Baldric: What is this place?
Hexela: A witch's lair.
But where is the witch?
- [sniffs]
Hexela: [gasps]
Found her.
- Ew.
Dwight: Okay, so
about a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta,
and she was in big trouble
because she had lots of enemies,
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone
in the woods to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with
Gretta's big, scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Ah!
Instead...
[crash]
[kiss]
they got me.
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
Gretta: Oh.
Good morning, Baldric.
Gone on a quest.
[knocking]
[door squeaks]
♪
[slam]
[soft thump]
[shifting object]
- Hm.
To Baldric.
Royal Court Magician.
♪
[knocking]
Dwight: Hey, Mr. Hammond.
Mr. Hammond: Hey Dwight,
how can I help ya?
Dwight: Well, I'm on
the Teacher Appreciation
Brunch Committee.
Mr. Hammond:
But of course you are.
Dwight: And I'm about to put
the food order in.
- So, where's your girlfriend?
- My what?
- Gretta, she wasn't in class
today.
- Uh.
Well, she's, she's not uh,
I mean, you know, we're,
I, I think she just overslept
this morning.
And she's not my girlfriend.
I mean, we're just, we're,
we're, it's just, we're just,
we're, it's kinda complicated.
- It always is, Dwight.
Put me down
for a cinnamon French toast
and a yogurt berry parfait.
- Huh.
Mr. Hammond: And tell
your not-girlfriend
we have a quiz on Thursday.
♪
Baldric: Not much left of her.
Hexela: Just ash.
Baldric: Any idea
who she was?
[rustling]
- She was
from the Daugava coven.
- Your coven.
Gretta: [reading] No time
for delay.
Open this instant
or all is lost.
Hmm.
Oop.
[sighs happily]
[sniffs]
[explosion]
[gasp]
[slimy sound]
Hexela: It doesn't make
any sense Baldric.
Why would a witch
sacrifice herself
to bring an army
of stone soldiers to life?
Baldric: To lay siege
to our castle.
To overthrow Princess Gretta.
Hexela: But what's in it
for her?
Baldric: Well, she, I,
[unknowing grunt].
Hexela: We'll have to ask her.
- Who?
Hexela: The witch!
Baldric: How?
- Follow me.
[grinding click]
Baldric: [sighs]
♪
Hexela: This is
a Daugava pendant.
It holds a piece
of the owner's soul.
If we're lucky
she'll feel like talking.
- [clears throat]
- [sighs]
[satisfied sigh]
[waves crashing on shore]
[intense music]
- Oh, let me
ask the questions, Baldric.
Dead witches
are famously irritable.
- So are some live ones.
- Excuse me?
- Continue.
- You ready?
Baldric: [grunts]
- We'll only have
a minute or two.
- [grunts assent]
- [inhales sharply]
[loud phone vibrations]
- A thousand pardons.
- [huffs]
[click]
Baldric: Oh.
Good morrow, Highness.
- [distressed]
Baldric, the house!
It's at sea.
- Pardon?
Hello?
- I'm in an expanse
of water.
Baldric: I heartily agree,
Your Highness,
pants are hotter,
which is why
I prefer this airy robe.
[clears throat]
Let us continue this discussion
when I get home.
[clears throat]
Gretta: Baldric!
[click]
Baldric: Do carry on.
Hexela: Oh, thank you.
- [gasp]
Siri, send a message by text
to Baldric.
Siri: Text Baldric.
- At once.
Tell him I am afloat.
On the SEA!!
[frustrated growl]
[loud phone vibration]
Hexela: [frustrated huff]
Baldric: Oh. Do forgive me.
It's Her Highness.
Hexela: Oh.
Baldric: Tell,
Himey flow Tennessee.
Who is Himey?
Hexela: A mystery.
For another time,
don't you think?
Baldric: Ah, yes, of course.
Pray continue.
- [loud sigh]
[sniffs]
[clears throat]
Baldric: [clears throat]
- [exhales]
- [exhales]
Hexala: [inhales]
[explosion]
Both: Ahh!
Hexela: [gasps]
Witch: [tiny sneeze]
Hexela: Bless you.
Witch: Uchh.
Dusty.
Hexela!
Hexela: Yetza.
- You look amazing, Hexie.
Your hair,
is that a spell or a potion?
Hexela: Extensions.
Listen Yetza,
we haven't much time.
Yetza: Who's the dream muffin?
Hexela: [snapping]
Eyes over here, Yetza.
We have to talk, love.
Yetza: [shrieks]
Where is the rest of my body?
Hexela: You're dead, darling.
- Uchh.
Hexela: Just a floating head,
I'm afraid,
and not even that
in another minute.
Yetza: What happened?
Hexela: I'd hoped
you could tell me.
Baldric: You cast a liven spell
and attacked our castle
with a stone army.
- [dismissive laugh]
Why would I do that?
Baldric: Uh?
Yetza: Contrary to appearances,
I don't wish to be dead.
Why would I cast a spell
I know would kill me?
Hexela: You didn't cast
the spell?
Baldric: [stammering]
Who did then?
Speak up, madame!
Hexela: What's the last thing
you remember?
Yetza: I was in the woods
on the way to the Witch's Inn
and then--
Hexela, I met someone.
An old friend of ours.
- Who?
Yetza: She tied me to a stake.
Both: Who?
Yetza: She used me in her spell.
Both: Who?
Yetza: Oh, when I get my hands
on that little...
Both: No!
NO!
[banging]
Hexela: No, no!
Chlodwig: Oh.
Dwight: Hey guys!
Jacopo: Ah, champion boy.
And where is your princess?
Dwight: I don't know
what you're talking about,
she's not my princess,
we're just really good friends,
and I,
this is the food order
for the Teacher
Appreciation Brunch.
[clattering]
Jacopo: Ah, I take this
to my ogre in the kitchen.
It will be the most glorious
of brunches.
Ha!
Dwight: You're the best!
[clunk]
Dwight: You still
won't go inside?
- [growled uh-unh]
Where's Gretta?
- How would I know?
We're just friends.
We hang out.
We do stuff together.
I don't know why
everyone's trying to make it
into such a big thing.
-I see.
Dwight: What?
No! No, you don't.
You don't see, because
there is nothing to see,
whatever you think
you're seeing it's not there.
- You forget, Sir Dwight.
[thunk]
That I am an expert
in matters of love.
Dwight: Ah man.
[ringtone]
Chlodwig: Is it she?
Dwight: Quit it!
Chlodwig: How long
do you think
you can keep your feelings
from her?
Dwight: Dude, chill!
Gretta: [from phone] Dwight!
Dwight: Hey... Gretta.
Gretta: Can you hear me?
[crashing waves]
Sir Dwight!
Help!
[sounds of distress]
Dwight: Uh.
Gretta, can you hear me?
Chlodwig: Now is your moment
to pledge your troth.
Dwight: Ew.
Uh, Gretta, can you, uh,
sorry, can you say that again?
- I have gone to sea!
[breathing heavily]
Dwight: Gone to see what?
Gretta, can you say that again?
Sorry, I didn't,
I didn't quite get it.
Gretta, can you...
Gretta: Ah--
Dwight: Weird.
Chlodwig: What's amiss?
Dwight: Eh,
just a bad connection.
Chlodwig: Well, what do you
intend to do about it?
- Get a signal booster
out here?
Gretta: I am stranded
on the ocean within my house.
Send.
[text notification]
Chlodwig: A text
from your lady love.
Chlodwig: Who's Homie?
- Oh, curse you, autocorrector!
[frustrated yell]
Dwight: Not sure
how to respond to that.
Uh.
[creak]
[thunder]
Gretta: [gasp]
[slam]
Dwight: [startled yell]
Chlodwig: Faint heart
never won fair lady.
Jacopo: What fair lady?
Dwight: There's no fair lady.
Chlodwig: Princess Gretta.
Jacopo: Ah.
Dwight: Wow, really dude?
Jacopo: So I suspected.
Dwight: What?
No, you didn't.
Jacopo: Eh, si.
Dwight: You did?
Jacopo: Mm-hm.
Chlodwig: 'Tis plain,
Sir Dwight,
you are enamored
of the princess.
Dwight: That's,
that's just overstating it.
I think, in my opinion.
Just big overstatement.
Chlodwig: If you love her,
you must tell her.
Jacopo: [giggles]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That way is catastrophe.
You must hide your true desires
behind a mask of cool contempt.
The lady will want
what she thinks she cannot have.
Eh?
Chlodwig: Poppycock!
Lay bare your bosom!
- Please, don't say bosom.
Chlodwig: Overwhelm her
with displays of your love.
Jacopo: Certamente, no!
Entice her with your disdain.
Chlodwig: You must tell her
at once!
Jacopo: You do nothing!
Chlodwig: And let Homie
win the princess's affections?
- Homie?
Jacopo: You pretend
you care not at all.
Dwight: Okay, both of you stop.
Gretta is the best friend
I've ever had in my life,
and no matter what I want
or how I feel,
I'm not going to do anything
that could change that.
Jacopo and Chlodwig:
[sounds of disgust]
[door opening]
- Where are you going?
- I must summon a tribunal.
[exhales softly]
[inhales]
[melodic whistle]
- I did not know
you could whistle.
Hexela: Sh.
We'll see who answers.
[explosive poof]
Hexela: [relieved sigh]
Vika: Hexela, darling.
What's amiss, my love?
Hexela: Vika, Dyrena,
thank you for coming.
- Where's the emergency?
- A witch is dead.
One of our own coven.
- Who?
- Yetza.
Dyrena: Oh no, what happened?
Hexela: I suspect foul play.
Another witch.
This matter requires a tribunal.
[wheels clicking]
- Hey Gretta.
- Dwight!
Dwight, can you hear me?
- Gretta?
[static]
Uh, Gretta, you're cuttin' out.
[speaking loud and slow]
I'm almost to your house.
Gretta: Dwight!
[panicked breathing]
Dwight?
Don't go!
Don't leave me!
Uh.
Witches: [inhale]
[exhale]
Dyrena: As sisters
of the Daugava coven
we join hands
to form a tribunal.
Hexela: If a wrong has been done
we will find it and avenge it.
Vika: May truth prevail,
may justice reign.
Witches: [inhale]
[exhale]
Vika: Hexela.
You are called
to investigate this case
and bring back what you find
to the tribunal.
- I go at once.
Baldric: Uh, uh, at once?
But, but Hexie.
When will you be back?
Hexela: When I find the witch
who killed Yetza.
Dyrena: May truth prevail.
[explosive poof]
- May justice reign.
[explosive poof]
♪
[crash]
- 'Kay.
[phone vibration]
[click]
- [grouchily]
Yes, what is it, Sir Dwight?
Dwight: [on phone]
Your house is gone.
Baldric: [stammering]
Pardon?
Dwight: It's, it's gone.
All of it.
Even the plumbing.
Baldric, where's Gretta?
[thunder, crashing waves]
[splash]
Gretta: [panicked breathing]
Siri, take my final words
to Dwight.
Siri: Texting Dwight.
- [strained gasp]
Yes, please.
[gasping]
Tell him, tell him,
you are the finest man,
the worthiest knight,
and the noblest heart
I have ever known.
I bless the day
that fate brought you to me.
You are my truest friend.
[crack of thunder]
Baldric: [incoherent speech]
What's that?
Ha!
Those pranksters!
[laughing]
Dwight: Who? What?
Baldric: Oh, what a silly bunch
of jesters.
[laughs]
Dwight: What
are you talking about?
Where's Gretta?
Where is your house?
Baldric: Help me find the lid,
it has to be here somewhere,
Ha!
I do enjoy a good joke.
Oh! There it is!
Found it!
Ha, ha!
Ha, ha, ha!
- Wait, wait, wait.
Joke!?
Baldric: Ah.
[sigh]
From my brother magicians
in the guild.
Just a bit of harmless fun.
[crashing waves]
- If I am never able
to see you again,
I must tell you that, I, I
[electricity crackling]
[door creaking]
Gretta: Dwight!
Siri: Send to Dwight.
Gretta: No! No, no, no.
Delete message.
Destroy message
forever and all eternity.
Dwight: Are you okay?
Gretta: I, I was floating
on a billowing sea.
I, and I, tried to beckon you.
- Yeah, yeah, I couldn't hear.
Gretta: I, I tried
to message you by text,
but I was foiled
by the, the au, au...
- Autocorrect.
Gretta: Autocorrector.
Baldric: [chuckling]
[slam]
Baldric: I will show them
a thing or two about comedy.
Ha, ha, ha!
The gauntlet is down!
[continues laughing]
Dwight: You know what we need?
A bat signal.
A simple,
straightforward way to say,
come quick, I'm in trouble.
Like in Batman.
- Batman?
- I'll think of something.
- A bat signal, like uh,
Ah, ha!
Like this one.
- Ah, that's kinda literal.
When I said bat signal.
Gretta: Bat signal,
a simple
and straight forward way
for a princess to say
to her champion,
come at once, I am in peril.
- Yeah, but
when I said bat signal.
Gretta: Bat.
It's a bat.
Bat signal.
- It's perfect, Gretta.
- Shall we test it?
- Yes, yes, we shall.
- I'll find some trouble.
You just wait
for my, my bat, bat signal.
Bat signal.
- Wait, what?
Baldric: Here, Sir Dwight.
Reach in this sack.
And, and let's see what happens.
[weak laugh]
[door shuts]
- I don't think I will.
- But, but...
[phone vibration]
♪
Baldric: Anything amiss?
Dwight: No, just champion stuff.
Nothing I can't handle.
Baldric: Oh, but...
[slam]
- [sniff]
What a mess.
♪