Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 4, Episode 7 - Hansel and Gretta - full transcript
Business is booming at Lotions and Potions, so Hexela hires Baldric to assist with customer support. Gretta is not happy with Baldric's absence and decides to eat her feelings by partaking of the treats of Hansel the Baker.
Hexela: I'll be right with you,
my darlings.
[pleased chuckle]
Ten more minutes.
Ah, well done.
Now take the thimble out
from under your tongue
and stick it in your ear.
[chuckle]
♪ Keep that fish swinging. ♪
No green food
until sundown tomorrow.
Next in line!
Oh, you must be here
because of your cheek bones.
There is hope, my dear.
[gentle giggle]
Baldric: Excuse me.
- Oh! There you are!
Baldric: Coming through.
Hexela: Baldric!
Baldric: Uh.
Hexela: Would you kindly join me
for a brief conference?
Baldric: Oh, yeah.
Hexela: I'll be right back.
Baldric: What is the emergency?
- The YouTube has made me
a sensation.
There's a line out my door
stretching two furlongs.
- Oh, most unfortunate.
Hexela: I am drowning
in my own success, Baldric.
Baldric: Oh.
- I need your help.
Just for this week until
I find a permanent solution.
- Madame,
I should be honored
to assist you.
[coy chuckle]
Hexela: You're a dream
come true, Baldric.
Baldric: [chuckles]
Hexela: Or rather
you will be in mm, mm, mm, mm.
Four minutes time.
[gasp]
- Pardon?
Hexela: This salon is my baby.
Baldric: Yes.
Hexela: And you are about to
become the face of it, Baldric.
The beautiful face
of my beautiful baby.
Are you ready?
- Uh.
♪
Dwight: Okay, so about
a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta.
And she was in big trouble
'cause she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with Gretta's
big, scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Instead...
Ahhh.
[kiss]
Dwight: they got me.
Ahhh!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
Dwight: The function
of the spleen.
Gretta: To contain dark bile
and chase away dark thoughts
that incline to melancholy.
Dwight: Uh, no.
- Hm.
[phone ringing]
[electronic music]
♪
♪
♪
[phone buzzing]
Baldric: Good day.
Uh, this is Lotions and Potions.
It's a client.
Uh, how may I help you
become more enchanting?
Both: [giggling]
- Baldric?
Baldric: Oh!
Yes, princess, 'tis I.
Gretta: It's Thursday night,
did you get the kidney pie?
Hexela: Is this
a work-related call?
Baldric: Uh,
[nervously] uh -huh.
I shan't make it for dinner.
I am needed
on more urgent business tonight.
- More urgent
than kidney pie night?
Baldric: I fear so.
I am assisting Hexela
in beautifying her...hags.
[laughs]
Who told you to stop swinging?
Swing, madame!
Swing!
Now place this bacon
on your offending cheekbones.
Ah, good, good, yes,
until tonight Highness,
I take my leave of you.
Ah, yes.
Next hag, in the chair.
Well, don't just stand there
getting uglier,
sit!
[sighs]
Hexela: [sighs]
- Baldric?
- What's the matter?
- Baldric is not
bringing home
a kidney pie tonight.
- Hey, it's okay.
You know, life happens
and you just gotta roll with it.
We can figure out
our own dinner tonight.
- Quite so, Sir Dwight.
To the Swine and Slosh Tavern!
Dwight: Whoa, whoa, whoa,
no we have a quiz tomorrow.
- We need to find
ourselves a kidney pie,
since Baldric has more
important matters
he must attend to on this night.
- I do too actually.
Gretta: Come along.
- Oo, uh.
♪
Gretta: Good day, Hellibad.
Our usual Thursday night
kidney pie if you please.
- We lost our cook
this morning.
Gretta: Lost him?
Dwight: Like
to another restaurant?
- To the plague.
Dropped dead at the stove.
- Oh, good gracious.
- But we found a replacement.
Got the kitchen up
and running again
in just three hours.
Dwight: After a guy died
from the plague in there?
Gretta: But can
he make a kidney pie?
Dwight: With the plague in it?
- He'll tell you himself.
[magical music]
♪
♪
Cook: Well hello my good lady,
my good sir.
How may I tempt you
on this fine day.
Gretta: We'd like a kidney pie.
Dwight: She'd like a kidney pie.
- Oh.
Wouldn't you know
I just sold the last one.
- Well, uh, no matter.
It's just that, uh,
a kidney pie was a special
thing we like to share
on Thursday nights.
- Oh, you
and this fine young sir?
Dwight: Uh, no.
No.
I'm not a kidney guy.
- Baldric and I,
but he's busy tonight,
attending
to important matters.
- You're feeling
a bit forgotten today, are you?
Just a itsy bit abandoned?
I have just the thing
for you, little lady.
A treacle tart.
No charge.
And I hope it makes you feel
all better.
One for you, young sir?
- Nah, I'm good, thanks.
I'm trying not to eat stuff
with the plague in it.
- [chuckle]
- This is amazing.
Cook: Mm.
Gretta: What else have you got?
Cook: Whatever
your sweet heart pleases.
Cakes and pies,
tarts and biscuits
and custards.
I bake them all myself
with special ingredients
that search inside you
for woe or strife
and replace it
with sunshine and joy.
- Which is not how food works.
Cook: How 'bout I make up
a little basket?
- Yes, please, kind sir.
- Name's Hansel the baker.
Gretta: Well met,
Hansel the baker.
I am Princess Gretta
the Besieged.
- Your Highness!
I am honored
from the top of my crown
to the tip of my toes.
Never has a royal person
graced my humble table.
How 'bout I make you
a nice big basket?
Eh, Your High and Mightiness?
[smacking]
Dwight: Gretta,
I think you may be
eating your feelings.
- Hm?
- You know, uh, eating
to satisfy emotional needs.
- Oh!
Yes.
Mm-hm.
Dwight: Which is,
let me clarify,
not a good thing.
If you're upset
about something,
there are healthier ways
of coping.
- I am not upset,
Sir Dwight.
This tart and this custard
and this cookie,
oo, and this cake
they made everything better.
- But whatever triggered
this uh, emotional binge
is still there
and still unresolved.
Baldric, that's
a new look for ya.
- Cream puff?
Or rather half a cream puff?
Baldric: Uh, thank you, no,
Your Highness.
Uh, I must be light on my feet
tomorrow.
[chuckles]
- What's tomorrow?
- I continue
my assisting duties
at Hexela's Lotions and Potions.
- [gulp] You do?
Baldric: For the rest
of the week.
- The rest of the week?
Dwight: Gretta,
this is what we call a trigger.
- Cream puff.
- Is anything amiss, princess?
- Not a thing.
- Oh.
- I am surrounded
by my real friends
who love me and whom I love.
Baldric: Aw.
- I can't watch this.
Good night.
Good luck
in biology tomorrow.
Baldric: And remember
you are to sleep with a spider
under your bed tonight or all
of our hard work will be undone.
And then don't you
come crawling back to us.
- Oh, your satisfaction
is our guarantee.
Do drop in anytime,
always lovely, mwa,
to see you, mwa.
[gentle chuckle]
- Sweet heaven!
What are we supposed to do
about this?
Crowd: [chanting]
Cake, cake, cake, cake.
Dwight: Hey Hellibad,
have you seen Gretta?
She didn't show up
at school today.
[Crowd continues chanting]
Dwight: Sorry, 'scuse me.
Crowd: [cheers]
- Sir Dwight!
Hansel: Sticky bun?
- No, thank you.
- Mm, I'll eat it.
- No!
She won't.
Have you been here all day?
Gretta: Mm-hm.
Hansel: And look what
just came out of the oven.
- Mmm.
Dwight: Dude, are you trying
to put her in a coma?
Come on, Gretta.
Let's go.
[grunting]
Come.
- Let me make you up
a little basket for the road.
Gretta: Yes!
- No!
Gretta: But I'm going to want
a gooseberry pie for later.
I already promised it to myself.
- Tough!
You're out of control and
I'm not gonna enable you.
Gretta: Ah!
Dwight: Uh.
Gretta: One more cupcake!
[phone ringing]
Baldric: Lotions and Potions.
How may I make you
less heinous?
Dwight: We've got
a mini-crisis here, Baldric.
Oh, uh.
- Oo.
- Oh.
Is the princess facing
imminent danger?
Dwight: Well maybe not
imminent danger,
but she's making a lot
of self-destructive diet choices
that will definitely catch up
with her.
Baldric: Sir Dwight,
please educate yourself
to the difference
between imminent danger
and vague anxiety.
[huffs]
And do not call me at work!
[beep]
[door squeaks]
Dwight: 'Kay.
[door closes]
All right.
Mm.
After the carbs
comes the crash.
- Uh, I feel ill.
- Consequences.
I'm just sayin'.
- Where's Baldric?
- He's still at work.
But I brought some stuff
to make you some real food.
- Oo.
Dwight: Kale, cauliflower,
and cabbage soup.
- Blechh.
Dwight: Because your body
is dying for vegetables.
And the soup is like
a real cleanse
for the intestines.
- I look forward to it,
Sir Dwight.
You set to work
on your intestine soup.
- Not intestine soup.
Gretta: And I'll lie here
for just a bit longer.
Dwight: Good,
you're gonna love it once
you embrace the texture.
[slurp]
Mm.
Okay, Gretta.
Dinner's ready.
Gretta?
Come on!
Up and at 'em!
[sigh]
Hey, Hellibad.
Is Gretta here?
Hellibad: She was
a while ago.
That girl could eat.
- What about that Hansel guy?
Hellibad: Well, he went below
to do tomorrow's baking.
- Copy that.
Maybe he knows where she is.
[squeak]
[ominous music]
[knocking]
Dwight: Hello!
Hansel!
Essence of overconfidence.
Extract of giddiness.
Fattening flakes.
Ground gullibility?
Gretta: What ho, Sir Dwight?
Dwight: What the?
Gretta, are you,
are you in a pot?
- A hot tub.
- Is that gravy?
- Mm-hm.
It's so nice and warm.
Oo, do you want a cinnamon roll?
- Gretta,
I hate to jump to the obvious
conclusion here,
but it looks to me like
you're marinating in gravy
in a great big soup pot.
- [laughs] That's silly.
- Every one of you guys
is a freak show!
Come on, Gretta.
Gotta go, right now.
We're going.
- But Hansel the baker
is going to come right back
and make me a mincemeat pie.
- Ah, let me guess,
with gravy and potatoes
and carrots.
- Yes.
He told me to stay right here
in this warm carrot,
potato hot tub
and eat this
sweet roll filled with --
- Ground gullibility?
- Frosting.
[phone ringing]
- [gently blows]
[phone ringing]
[beep]
Lotions and Potions.
How may I get you to go away?
- Pst!
- Imminent danger!
Right now!
It's happening!
Baldric: I'll be the judge
of your imminent danger,
Sir Dwight.
- Gretta's in a big pot
in a kitchen of horrors
with a psycho baker
that is going to make her
into a pie!
Hurry!
We're in the Swine and Slosh
basement.
- On my way!
Oh, oh.
Oh.
Hexela: Oh, oh,
where are you going?
Baldric: Out of my way!
Ah.
Hexela: [sighs]
Thank heaven.
[sigh]
He was killing my Yelp score.
Gretta: [grunt]
Hansel the baker is going
to make me a mincemeat pie
that will be the rarest delicacy
that has ever graced his table.
Gretta: Ooo.
Cookies!
[whoosh]
Dwight: Get down!
Gretta: Hansel the baker?
- Mm-hm.
- But why?
I'm your best customer!
[gasp]
[crash]
- Would you rather
be a lattice top pie,
or a crumb top?
- Whatever.
- You choose.
- Essence of apathy.
It does come in handy.
Dwight: So, I guess we die now
or what?
Gretta: Meh.
Dwight: Right?
- Let's make some pie!
Baldric: Ahhhh!
Hansel and Baldric: Ahhhh!
- Is that Baldric?
- Mm-hm.
Baldric: Run, Highness!
- Nah.
- Save yourselves!
- We're good here.
[crash]
Baldric and Hansel: [laughing]
Baldric: What is so funny?
- Chuckle Chaff.
Hansel and Baldric: [laughing]
[splash]
Dwight and Gretta: [choking]
Gretta: Baldric!
Baldric: [laughing]
That is the only exit.
[laughing]
Dwight: Why is that funny?
Baldric: [laughs]
Hansel: Do you know
what I could charge
for a slice of princess pie?
Huh?
[laughing]
I've never had a royal person
grace my table.
[laughs]
- [laughing]
- Cover me.
- What?
[laughing]
[thwap]
Baldric: [laughing]
- [grunt]
- [light coughing]
- Hey! Hansel, old buddy.
So, uh, we're totally on board
for mince-princess pie night.
- What?!
- [laughing]
Sir Dwight, what are you doing?
[laughing]
Whoa.
- Oh.
- But hear me out here,
everyone knows
that you can't have pie
without ice cream.
Gretta: It's true.
It's true.
Baldric: It is
a well-known fact.
[laughing]
Dwight: So,
how 'bout you stay here.
Keep going
on all the prep work,
and we'll go make
an ice cream run.
We'll get a variety
of flavors and you can tell us
what goes good
with minced princess pie.
- Hazelnut.
Dwight: Done!
Hey, don't start without us.
We'll be right back, okay?
Hey, you got spoons and bowls?
Oh, why don't you go get
the oven pre-heated?
- Salted caramel.
- Mm, mm.
Coming right up.
- Hooray, hurrah.
Dwight: Wahoo!
[high-pitched laugh]
Baldric: [laughing]
Dwight: Go, go, go, go.
Baldric: There is
a cannibal in your cellar, sir.
[laughing]
- [sigh]
Hexela: Oh, Baldric.
You're early.
- I came to tell you
that I am sorry, madame.
I do, of course, wish
to be of assistance to you,
but I am needed at home.
Hexela: [sighs]
Baldric, you are a darling,
and a gem,
and the worst witch's assistant
in the history of witches,
or assistants.
Baldric: Well.
Hexela: It's true.
Baldric: Hm.
- Ah, but not to worry.
I found a solution
to my problem.
[laughs]
A revolutionary idea.
I can't believe I didn't think
of it centuries ago.
I saw it on the YouTube.
Baldric: Ah.
Hexela: [giggles]
- [humming to himself]
♪ Hey nonny, nonny. ♪
Ah! Highness!
It is Thursday night!
Gretta: I thank you, Baldric,
but though I do enjoy
a good kidney pie,
I am making a greater effort
not to eat my feelings.
- Good for you.
Baldric: To that end, Highness,
I have hit upon a new
Thursday night tradition.
Ah.
Tater Tot night.
- Uh.
- They are made
from potatoes.
- Which are vegetables!
- More like straight starch
and trans fats.
Gretta: Like a cleanse
for your intestines.
- Ah.
Gretta/Baldric: [inhale] Oh.
- Uh. Mm.
♪
my darlings.
[pleased chuckle]
Ten more minutes.
Ah, well done.
Now take the thimble out
from under your tongue
and stick it in your ear.
[chuckle]
♪ Keep that fish swinging. ♪
No green food
until sundown tomorrow.
Next in line!
Oh, you must be here
because of your cheek bones.
There is hope, my dear.
[gentle giggle]
Baldric: Excuse me.
- Oh! There you are!
Baldric: Coming through.
Hexela: Baldric!
Baldric: Uh.
Hexela: Would you kindly join me
for a brief conference?
Baldric: Oh, yeah.
Hexela: I'll be right back.
Baldric: What is the emergency?
- The YouTube has made me
a sensation.
There's a line out my door
stretching two furlongs.
- Oh, most unfortunate.
Hexela: I am drowning
in my own success, Baldric.
Baldric: Oh.
- I need your help.
Just for this week until
I find a permanent solution.
- Madame,
I should be honored
to assist you.
[coy chuckle]
Hexela: You're a dream
come true, Baldric.
Baldric: [chuckles]
Hexela: Or rather
you will be in mm, mm, mm, mm.
Four minutes time.
[gasp]
- Pardon?
Hexela: This salon is my baby.
Baldric: Yes.
Hexela: And you are about to
become the face of it, Baldric.
The beautiful face
of my beautiful baby.
Are you ready?
- Uh.
♪
Dwight: Okay, so about
a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta.
And she was in big trouble
'cause she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with Gretta's
big, scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Instead...
Ahhh.
[kiss]
Dwight: they got me.
Ahhh!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
Dwight: The function
of the spleen.
Gretta: To contain dark bile
and chase away dark thoughts
that incline to melancholy.
Dwight: Uh, no.
- Hm.
[phone ringing]
[electronic music]
♪
♪
♪
[phone buzzing]
Baldric: Good day.
Uh, this is Lotions and Potions.
It's a client.
Uh, how may I help you
become more enchanting?
Both: [giggling]
- Baldric?
Baldric: Oh!
Yes, princess, 'tis I.
Gretta: It's Thursday night,
did you get the kidney pie?
Hexela: Is this
a work-related call?
Baldric: Uh,
[nervously] uh -huh.
I shan't make it for dinner.
I am needed
on more urgent business tonight.
- More urgent
than kidney pie night?
Baldric: I fear so.
I am assisting Hexela
in beautifying her...hags.
[laughs]
Who told you to stop swinging?
Swing, madame!
Swing!
Now place this bacon
on your offending cheekbones.
Ah, good, good, yes,
until tonight Highness,
I take my leave of you.
Ah, yes.
Next hag, in the chair.
Well, don't just stand there
getting uglier,
sit!
[sighs]
Hexela: [sighs]
- Baldric?
- What's the matter?
- Baldric is not
bringing home
a kidney pie tonight.
- Hey, it's okay.
You know, life happens
and you just gotta roll with it.
We can figure out
our own dinner tonight.
- Quite so, Sir Dwight.
To the Swine and Slosh Tavern!
Dwight: Whoa, whoa, whoa,
no we have a quiz tomorrow.
- We need to find
ourselves a kidney pie,
since Baldric has more
important matters
he must attend to on this night.
- I do too actually.
Gretta: Come along.
- Oo, uh.
♪
Gretta: Good day, Hellibad.
Our usual Thursday night
kidney pie if you please.
- We lost our cook
this morning.
Gretta: Lost him?
Dwight: Like
to another restaurant?
- To the plague.
Dropped dead at the stove.
- Oh, good gracious.
- But we found a replacement.
Got the kitchen up
and running again
in just three hours.
Dwight: After a guy died
from the plague in there?
Gretta: But can
he make a kidney pie?
Dwight: With the plague in it?
- He'll tell you himself.
[magical music]
♪
♪
Cook: Well hello my good lady,
my good sir.
How may I tempt you
on this fine day.
Gretta: We'd like a kidney pie.
Dwight: She'd like a kidney pie.
- Oh.
Wouldn't you know
I just sold the last one.
- Well, uh, no matter.
It's just that, uh,
a kidney pie was a special
thing we like to share
on Thursday nights.
- Oh, you
and this fine young sir?
Dwight: Uh, no.
No.
I'm not a kidney guy.
- Baldric and I,
but he's busy tonight,
attending
to important matters.
- You're feeling
a bit forgotten today, are you?
Just a itsy bit abandoned?
I have just the thing
for you, little lady.
A treacle tart.
No charge.
And I hope it makes you feel
all better.
One for you, young sir?
- Nah, I'm good, thanks.
I'm trying not to eat stuff
with the plague in it.
- [chuckle]
- This is amazing.
Cook: Mm.
Gretta: What else have you got?
Cook: Whatever
your sweet heart pleases.
Cakes and pies,
tarts and biscuits
and custards.
I bake them all myself
with special ingredients
that search inside you
for woe or strife
and replace it
with sunshine and joy.
- Which is not how food works.
Cook: How 'bout I make up
a little basket?
- Yes, please, kind sir.
- Name's Hansel the baker.
Gretta: Well met,
Hansel the baker.
I am Princess Gretta
the Besieged.
- Your Highness!
I am honored
from the top of my crown
to the tip of my toes.
Never has a royal person
graced my humble table.
How 'bout I make you
a nice big basket?
Eh, Your High and Mightiness?
[smacking]
Dwight: Gretta,
I think you may be
eating your feelings.
- Hm?
- You know, uh, eating
to satisfy emotional needs.
- Oh!
Yes.
Mm-hm.
Dwight: Which is,
let me clarify,
not a good thing.
If you're upset
about something,
there are healthier ways
of coping.
- I am not upset,
Sir Dwight.
This tart and this custard
and this cookie,
oo, and this cake
they made everything better.
- But whatever triggered
this uh, emotional binge
is still there
and still unresolved.
Baldric, that's
a new look for ya.
- Cream puff?
Or rather half a cream puff?
Baldric: Uh, thank you, no,
Your Highness.
Uh, I must be light on my feet
tomorrow.
[chuckles]
- What's tomorrow?
- I continue
my assisting duties
at Hexela's Lotions and Potions.
- [gulp] You do?
Baldric: For the rest
of the week.
- The rest of the week?
Dwight: Gretta,
this is what we call a trigger.
- Cream puff.
- Is anything amiss, princess?
- Not a thing.
- Oh.
- I am surrounded
by my real friends
who love me and whom I love.
Baldric: Aw.
- I can't watch this.
Good night.
Good luck
in biology tomorrow.
Baldric: And remember
you are to sleep with a spider
under your bed tonight or all
of our hard work will be undone.
And then don't you
come crawling back to us.
- Oh, your satisfaction
is our guarantee.
Do drop in anytime,
always lovely, mwa,
to see you, mwa.
[gentle chuckle]
- Sweet heaven!
What are we supposed to do
about this?
Crowd: [chanting]
Cake, cake, cake, cake.
Dwight: Hey Hellibad,
have you seen Gretta?
She didn't show up
at school today.
[Crowd continues chanting]
Dwight: Sorry, 'scuse me.
Crowd: [cheers]
- Sir Dwight!
Hansel: Sticky bun?
- No, thank you.
- Mm, I'll eat it.
- No!
She won't.
Have you been here all day?
Gretta: Mm-hm.
Hansel: And look what
just came out of the oven.
- Mmm.
Dwight: Dude, are you trying
to put her in a coma?
Come on, Gretta.
Let's go.
[grunting]
Come.
- Let me make you up
a little basket for the road.
Gretta: Yes!
- No!
Gretta: But I'm going to want
a gooseberry pie for later.
I already promised it to myself.
- Tough!
You're out of control and
I'm not gonna enable you.
Gretta: Ah!
Dwight: Uh.
Gretta: One more cupcake!
[phone ringing]
Baldric: Lotions and Potions.
How may I make you
less heinous?
Dwight: We've got
a mini-crisis here, Baldric.
Oh, uh.
- Oo.
- Oh.
Is the princess facing
imminent danger?
Dwight: Well maybe not
imminent danger,
but she's making a lot
of self-destructive diet choices
that will definitely catch up
with her.
Baldric: Sir Dwight,
please educate yourself
to the difference
between imminent danger
and vague anxiety.
[huffs]
And do not call me at work!
[beep]
[door squeaks]
Dwight: 'Kay.
[door closes]
All right.
Mm.
After the carbs
comes the crash.
- Uh, I feel ill.
- Consequences.
I'm just sayin'.
- Where's Baldric?
- He's still at work.
But I brought some stuff
to make you some real food.
- Oo.
Dwight: Kale, cauliflower,
and cabbage soup.
- Blechh.
Dwight: Because your body
is dying for vegetables.
And the soup is like
a real cleanse
for the intestines.
- I look forward to it,
Sir Dwight.
You set to work
on your intestine soup.
- Not intestine soup.
Gretta: And I'll lie here
for just a bit longer.
Dwight: Good,
you're gonna love it once
you embrace the texture.
[slurp]
Mm.
Okay, Gretta.
Dinner's ready.
Gretta?
Come on!
Up and at 'em!
[sigh]
Hey, Hellibad.
Is Gretta here?
Hellibad: She was
a while ago.
That girl could eat.
- What about that Hansel guy?
Hellibad: Well, he went below
to do tomorrow's baking.
- Copy that.
Maybe he knows where she is.
[squeak]
[ominous music]
[knocking]
Dwight: Hello!
Hansel!
Essence of overconfidence.
Extract of giddiness.
Fattening flakes.
Ground gullibility?
Gretta: What ho, Sir Dwight?
Dwight: What the?
Gretta, are you,
are you in a pot?
- A hot tub.
- Is that gravy?
- Mm-hm.
It's so nice and warm.
Oo, do you want a cinnamon roll?
- Gretta,
I hate to jump to the obvious
conclusion here,
but it looks to me like
you're marinating in gravy
in a great big soup pot.
- [laughs] That's silly.
- Every one of you guys
is a freak show!
Come on, Gretta.
Gotta go, right now.
We're going.
- But Hansel the baker
is going to come right back
and make me a mincemeat pie.
- Ah, let me guess,
with gravy and potatoes
and carrots.
- Yes.
He told me to stay right here
in this warm carrot,
potato hot tub
and eat this
sweet roll filled with --
- Ground gullibility?
- Frosting.
[phone ringing]
- [gently blows]
[phone ringing]
[beep]
Lotions and Potions.
How may I get you to go away?
- Pst!
- Imminent danger!
Right now!
It's happening!
Baldric: I'll be the judge
of your imminent danger,
Sir Dwight.
- Gretta's in a big pot
in a kitchen of horrors
with a psycho baker
that is going to make her
into a pie!
Hurry!
We're in the Swine and Slosh
basement.
- On my way!
Oh, oh.
Oh.
Hexela: Oh, oh,
where are you going?
Baldric: Out of my way!
Ah.
Hexela: [sighs]
Thank heaven.
[sigh]
He was killing my Yelp score.
Gretta: [grunt]
Hansel the baker is going
to make me a mincemeat pie
that will be the rarest delicacy
that has ever graced his table.
Gretta: Ooo.
Cookies!
[whoosh]
Dwight: Get down!
Gretta: Hansel the baker?
- Mm-hm.
- But why?
I'm your best customer!
[gasp]
[crash]
- Would you rather
be a lattice top pie,
or a crumb top?
- Whatever.
- You choose.
- Essence of apathy.
It does come in handy.
Dwight: So, I guess we die now
or what?
Gretta: Meh.
Dwight: Right?
- Let's make some pie!
Baldric: Ahhhh!
Hansel and Baldric: Ahhhh!
- Is that Baldric?
- Mm-hm.
Baldric: Run, Highness!
- Nah.
- Save yourselves!
- We're good here.
[crash]
Baldric and Hansel: [laughing]
Baldric: What is so funny?
- Chuckle Chaff.
Hansel and Baldric: [laughing]
[splash]
Dwight and Gretta: [choking]
Gretta: Baldric!
Baldric: [laughing]
That is the only exit.
[laughing]
Dwight: Why is that funny?
Baldric: [laughs]
Hansel: Do you know
what I could charge
for a slice of princess pie?
Huh?
[laughing]
I've never had a royal person
grace my table.
[laughs]
- [laughing]
- Cover me.
- What?
[laughing]
[thwap]
Baldric: [laughing]
- [grunt]
- [light coughing]
- Hey! Hansel, old buddy.
So, uh, we're totally on board
for mince-princess pie night.
- What?!
- [laughing]
Sir Dwight, what are you doing?
[laughing]
Whoa.
- Oh.
- But hear me out here,
everyone knows
that you can't have pie
without ice cream.
Gretta: It's true.
It's true.
Baldric: It is
a well-known fact.
[laughing]
Dwight: So,
how 'bout you stay here.
Keep going
on all the prep work,
and we'll go make
an ice cream run.
We'll get a variety
of flavors and you can tell us
what goes good
with minced princess pie.
- Hazelnut.
Dwight: Done!
Hey, don't start without us.
We'll be right back, okay?
Hey, you got spoons and bowls?
Oh, why don't you go get
the oven pre-heated?
- Salted caramel.
- Mm, mm.
Coming right up.
- Hooray, hurrah.
Dwight: Wahoo!
[high-pitched laugh]
Baldric: [laughing]
Dwight: Go, go, go, go.
Baldric: There is
a cannibal in your cellar, sir.
[laughing]
- [sigh]
Hexela: Oh, Baldric.
You're early.
- I came to tell you
that I am sorry, madame.
I do, of course, wish
to be of assistance to you,
but I am needed at home.
Hexela: [sighs]
Baldric, you are a darling,
and a gem,
and the worst witch's assistant
in the history of witches,
or assistants.
Baldric: Well.
Hexela: It's true.
Baldric: Hm.
- Ah, but not to worry.
I found a solution
to my problem.
[laughs]
A revolutionary idea.
I can't believe I didn't think
of it centuries ago.
I saw it on the YouTube.
Baldric: Ah.
Hexela: [giggles]
- [humming to himself]
♪ Hey nonny, nonny. ♪
Ah! Highness!
It is Thursday night!
Gretta: I thank you, Baldric,
but though I do enjoy
a good kidney pie,
I am making a greater effort
not to eat my feelings.
- Good for you.
Baldric: To that end, Highness,
I have hit upon a new
Thursday night tradition.
Ah.
Tater Tot night.
- Uh.
- They are made
from potatoes.
- Which are vegetables!
- More like straight starch
and trans fats.
Gretta: Like a cleanse
for your intestines.
- Ah.
Gretta/Baldric: [inhale] Oh.
- Uh. Mm.
♪