Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 4, Episode 8 - Four Weddings and a Health Code Violation - full transcript
Baldric: Seize the scoundrel!
Gretta: Hold your position!
[pluck]
Gretta: Nyah!
- [pained grunts]
Oh!
Gretta: Huzzah.
- Mrs. White
in the conservatory
with the rope.
Gretta: [laughing]
Ah.
Mrs. White with a rope.
[laughing]
How could such
a tiny round woman
strangle a man
with a rope?
Kirk: But not this rope.
It's too thick.
- Perhaps this weapon
would be a good choice
for such a frail old woman.
- Mm.
Gretta: The rope would be
a good choice
for Co-lo-nel Mus-tard, hm?
Kirk: Hm.
And the knife,
would be a better weapon for...
the peacock lady.
Dwight: Guys, I think
we're missing the objective
of the game here.
- I got it.
Professor Plum in the kitchen
with the revolver.
- The professor?
Gretta: [gasps] But he has
such a kind face.
What would push such a man
to murder?
Kirk: Desperation, and love.
Gretta: [gasp] Miss Scarlet.
Look, she is
in the kitchen also.
- He was defending
his lady love.
Gretta: Valiant Professor Plum.
- Mm.
Baldric: Oh no, there are
legions more of them.
It's no use.
I cannot go.
- But, you must.
- Will you go
in my place, Sir Dwight?
Tell him I've a bad case
of half-off sushi,
and have taken to my bed.
- Go where?
Gretta: To the Swine
and Slosh Tavern.
- And tell who what?
- Brodogg.
- Baldric's brother.
- Brodogg?
Nana: I didn't know
you had a brother.
Dwight: For real,
his name is Brodogg?
Baldric: 'Twas my father's name
and my grandfather's.
- Baldric and Brodogg
went to
magician school together.
Oo.
Baldric: Oh, no,
there is no need
to revisit ancient history.
- Oh, Baldric,
you're such a cutie!
- I was, yes.
Kirk: What is this?
- [gasp]
My medal of honor.
Uh.
Give me that, berserker.
I was voted most likely
to become
the greatest magician
of all time.
- Wow, no kidding.
- What splendid days
those were.
The magician's guild begged
me to be their chancellor
and the warrior mages wanted me
as their commander.
- Oh.
- And thank heavens
you turned them both down.
- You did?
Baldric: Yes, I received
a letter from the queen,
Princess Gretta's mother
entreating my help.
Gretta: Baldric came at once
and has never left since.
Baldric: Consequently
my brother, Brodogg
became the chancellor
of the magician's guild
and then commander
of the warrior mages.
- Good for him.
- He's been named
Greatest Magician
in the Kingdom
three consecutive years,
and the kingdom's
most eligible bachelor
four consecutive years.
[huff]
- He sounds like
kind of a big deal.
Nana: Come on, Baldric.
He's your brother,
and he's come all this way
to see you.
- He has come all this way
for a mage's assembly.
Dwight: Still, he's here.
Kirk: At least your brother
wants to see you.
- [sigh]
Kirk: Now.
What is this?
Baldric: Hands off my things,
berserker.
[huff]
I am off.
Hands off!
[sigh]
Dwight: You got this!
- Ugh!
[slam]
- And what is this?
Nana: Oh.
Kirk: [blows dust]
Dwight: The Bestiary:
A Guide to Magical Creatures.
Nana: Oh.
- Unicornis Regificus.
[poof]
[neigh]
[birds chirping]
[neighing]
Gretta: How I do love unicorns.
I had a unicorn party
for my ninth birthday.
- I had a unicorn party
for my ninth birthday!
Kirk: I had a pillaging party
for my ninth birthday.
Nana: Oh.
Dwight: Huh.
Nana: Oh, Expiravit Iratus.
[poof]
Dwight: What's that?
Kirk: Banshee.
They're trouble.
[breathy banshee scream]
Nana/ Dwight: Oh, hm.
Dwight: Horridus Messorum.
[poof]
[birds chirping]
Dwight: That looks
a lot like the--
Gretta: The Grim Reaper.
Nana: Oh.
[crackling]
Look.
It's a note from Hexela.
Gretta/Dwight: Oooo.
Nana: My sweetest Baldi-boo.
All: [laughing]
Kirk: Baldi-boo.
Nana: Meet me
behind the stocks at half--
[loud knocking]
Nana: past the hour--
[loud knocking]
Dwight: Oh, I got it.
Oh, wait for me.
- [chuckle]
[ravens cawing]
- [whimper]
♪
Okay, so about
a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta,
and she was in big trouble
'cause she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
♪
So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone
in the woods to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with Gretta's
big, scary enemies,
but that guy never showed up.
Instead...
Ahhh!
[kiss]
they got me.
♪
Ahhh!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
Patrons: Baldric!
Barkeep: Orange Shasta?
- Diet.
- Rough day?
- It is surely about to be.
- Gretta!
There's a guy here.
He looks kinda,
quite a bit like--
Kirk: Death.
- May I come in?
Gretta: Of course not.
- Too late.
[door shuts]
- Hold this would you?
- Uh.
Nana: Wow, Death is
a snappy dresser.
- Thank you.
Kindly.
[thump]
Voilà.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm--
Gretta: The Grim Reaper.
- Grimbo, to my friends.
- Do you have any friends?
- I have you four.
Dwight: Oh.
- Nana.
You take such good care
of yourself.
If everyone were like you,
I could finally take a vacation.
Gretta, so close, so many times,
my dear,
but you are protected,
I can't blame myself.
Kirk, how are you, old friend?
What's the plan?
Stay around here forever?
Invisible and forgotten?
How long do you think
you can delay
the inevitable, hmm?
And Dwight,
you're the reason I'm here.
- M-me?
- Mm, you invoked my name,
and summoned me.
- He did?
- Horridus Messorum.
- I- I really didn't mean
to do that.
Grimbo: Well, uh, I'm here now.
What do you want to do?
Dwight: Uh.
We're just playing Clue.
- Oh.
Gretta: But you need not stay.
We know how terribly busy
you are.
- I'm free till sundown.
Then Dwight and I
have to get back.
- Get back?
- Mm.
But there's plenty of time
to play Clue.
Kirk: Where are you taking him?
- To regions of the dead.
I can't return empty-handed
and since you're the one
who summoned me.
- By total accident.
- Oo, it really should be you.
[guzzle]
- Ah.
Keep 'em comin'.
- Wanna talk about it, Baldric?
- They named me
the most likely to become
the greatest magician
of all time.
[sigh]
Now look at me.
Hardly better
than a royal nanny.
- I thought
you were a royal nanny.
You're a magician?!
Do a trick!
- I do not do [grunt] tricks.
- [gasp]
- [giggling]
- Dad?
Dad, is that you?
[laughs]
- Oh.
Brodogg: Look at you.
I always knew you were
an amazing magician.
But this, might be
your greatest feat yet.
You've added a half century
to your face.
Ho-ho!
[laughing]
All: [laughing mockingly]
[phone buzzing]
- Baldric,
beckon me back at once.
It's a nine hundred
and eleven.
Kirk: I say we stuff him
in the sack.
Nana: Okay, and then what?
Kirk: Sell him
to the gypsies.
Nana: No, Kirk.
Give me the sack.
Dwight: The Grim Reaper may
only remain in the land
of the living until the setting
of the sun
and then must take
a soul with him
when he returns
to the realm of the dead.
Grimbo: Then can I be
Mr. Green?
Nana: Uh, sure thing, Grimbo!
Grimbo: I've got
the board set up.
Everybody remember
how to play?
Oh, oo.
Dice.
I love dice.
Dwight: Hold up.
Defio mortemus domino!
Uh, no, wait.
Defio, morto, dominus!
- Well-played, young man,
well-played.
- What?
Dwight: It says right here
if you ever accidentally
summon the Grim Reaper--
- This happens a lot?
Grimbo: More
than you'd think.
Dwight: You can cheat him
by defeating him in a challenge.
- So if Sir Dwight
defeats you in a challenge
he doesn't have to go with you
at sunset.
Grimbo: Correct.
Nana: Wow.
That's a loophole.
- That I wish more people
knew about.
Dwight: You do?
Grimbo: Mm, makes death
a little more fun.
We can do as many challenges
as you want.
Let's make it interesting,
why don't we?
And then at sunset,
fun's over and off we go.
Hm?
Dwight: Just a sec.
Team huddle.
Kirk: I don't trust him.
Nana: Me neither.
Kirk: I'll sit on him.
And you run.
Nana: Good plan.
Gretta: There's no use running
from death.
You have to best him
in a challenge.
Dwight: Right.
What challenge?
Gretta: Something
you are exceptionally good at.
[giggling]
Brodogg: Mingus.
Never give up on your dreams.
Huh?
- Did you want my?
- So, big brother.
You were the greatest magician
in the kingdom and now,
you have pretzels
in your beard.
- Huh?
Oh.
Uh, uh.
Well, life happened, Brodogg.
I took a job to help a friend
thinking it would
only be temporary.
Brodogg: It was taking care
of a small human, wasn't it?
- A princess, in fact,
and though she's taken
my life in a new direction,
I have no regrets.
- [laughs]
Oh-ho-ho.
I have no regrets.
[crowd laughs]
Brodogg: I have no regrets.
I have no regrets.
I love this guy.
Mwah.
I have no regrets.
I love this man.
[ding]
- Wow.
[sloshy thump]
[ding]
[cheering]
- Good job!
Good for you.
What's the name
of this game again?
- Bottle flipping.
It's actually a lot harder
than it--
- Just uh, sort of--
[ding]
- Delightful.
[laughs]
Sorry.
[phone buzzing]
Brodogg: And this
I got in a little scrap
with the necromancers
of Niflia.
Uh, uh, uh.
Behave yourself.
And this I got from a bout
with a bad-tempered
beetle beast.
[giggles]
Baldric: Well,
I got this nasty little scar
when I pulled a pan
of brownies out of the oven
and in my understandable
excitement
forgot to wear
an oven mitt!
Oh, ho.
Oo.
Oh, it hurt like the smickens.
Ho, the brownies were delicious.
- You better get over here.
[crunch]
Gretta: Mm, perfectly delicious.
Nana: So good.
The tofu is firm,
and the lettuce is crispy,
and the cashews are
the perfect crunchy.
Kirk: Good.
Dwight: Mm. Great.
Now turn your plates around
and try contestant number two.
Gretta: Good, sweet, kind,
merciful heavens above,
this is absolutely incredible!
Nana: Mm.
The tofu!
The lettuce!
The cashews.
Mwa.
You made more of these,
right Dwight?
Kirk: More?
Where are they?
Grimbo: Help yourselves.
[crunching]
Dwight:
C-H-R-Y-
S-A-N-
T-H-I-M-U-M
Chrysanthemum.
Grimbo: [sighs]
That is a toughie.
C-H-R-Y-S-A-N-
T-H-E-M-U-M.
Chrysanthemum.
Gretta: Oh.
- Sorry.
Oh, Mr. Green in the dining room
with the candlestick.
Hm?
All: [groaning]
[clink]
Dwight: Uh, heads.
- Mm.
Sorry.
Gretta: [sigh]
Dwight: Again.
Brodogg: Are you ready?
You ready, huh?
Huh? Huh?
[applause]
Huh?
[laughs]
Good e'en.
Couldn't help but notice
how attractive we both are.
[crunch]
- Yeoaahhh!
Hexela: I've been looking
everywhere for you Baldric.
I need a magician.
Brodogg: A magician.
Hexela: The greatest magician
in the world.
Brodogg: It's your lucky day.
Hexela: Kind,
tender,
selfless,
devoted,
and dearly, dearly loved.
[kiss]
Shall we go?
Baldric: Mm-hm.
Hexela: You're family is waiting
for you.
- Little brother,
you may have fame,
wealth,
strength,
fans,
[cheering]
age-defying good looks,
a confident gaze,
a nice head of hair,
but I,
I am the luckiest man
in the world
[phone buzzing]
oh, eleven missed beckonings,
oh,
so you can keep your celebrity
and your abnormally smooth face,
I have this.
- A beckoning device?
- No, uh.
My little girl,
she is my everything.
It was good
to see you brother.
Quickly.
Brodogg: [sigh]
Hm.
Who wants to see
my snapping dragon scar?
[cheering]
- Tails.
Dwight: Gah!
Do you realize what
the statistical probability is
of you getting every coin flip
right 212 times in a row?
- I know!
I'm curious to see how long
I can keep this going.
- Tails.
Gah!
Grimbo: Well, it's been fun.
You ready to go?
- Is it sunset already?
- Yeah.
Time flies.
- [gasp] Grimbo!
- Hexela!
You've been avoiding me.
And Baldric,
you're time is coming
don't you worry.
- What are you doing
here, Grimbo?
- Well, I was invited.
- What?
- Horridus Messorum,
as it were.
Baldric: No.
Which one of you dunderheads
uttered his name?
Dwight: That would be me?
Hexela: Uh.
- Oh, it's time to get going.
Baldric: [stuttering]
Not so fast.
We both know the rules.
'Tis true you cannot return
to your realm empty-handed,
but there's nothing saying
that Sir Dwight must be
the one to go with you.
Grimbo: True enough,
if you think you can find me
a volunteer
in the next three minutes.
Baldric: Uh.
Nana: I'll go
in Dwight's place.
- Absolutely not.
- I shall be the one who goes.
Baldric: Princess!
Dwight: Heck no!
Forget it!
Gretta: I insist!
Dwight: Well, I double-insist.
Gretta: I'm going
by royal decree.
Dwight: Whatever,
you can't play the princess card
with me.
Gretta: Nah.
Baldric: Both of you
stand aside!
Baldric: I will go.
Hexela: Baldric!
Gretta: Absolutely not!
- I am sworn
to protect you, princess.
To give my very life
if it were necessary.
- Well, it isn't.
I shall go
in Baldric's place.
Baldric: Hexela, now.
Hexela: Uh.
- Really?
Baldric: You're not going
anywhere,
you exasperating witch.
- If anyone is going, 'tis I.
- I'm the one
that summoned him,
come on Grimbo,
let's get out of here.
Gretta: No!
- Not on your life.
I'll go in Dwight's place.
Dwight: Yeah, no way.
I'm going and that's final.
Gretta: Over my dead body!
[fighting sounds]
Dwight: If you die, I die,
remember?
Baldric: Out of my way.
Gretta: No!
[thwap]
Hexela: Don't ever
forget me, Baldric!
[screaming]
[fighting sounds]
[bang]
Kirk: [yells]
I'm going!
You will take me.
- Kirk.
It would be my honor
to escort you.
You are dearly awaited.
- No.
- In the Hall of the Fallen.
- Not me.
- Ah, right.
You're verboten.
- I'll just wait on the steps.
- Barred from the Hall
of the Fallen,
until you save
one human life.
Dwight: Kirk!
[crying]
Kirk: You are my friend.
- Thank you.
- Farewell, my lady fair.
- Bye, Kirk.
Grimbo: C'mon,
you don't want to be late
for your own party.
- Party?
- Mead and roast beast,
and music and dancing.
Your brothers even worked up
a special song.
- For me?
Grimbo: Well, who else?
Are you ready?
Kirk: [sigh]
[bagpipe dancing music]
[chanting] Kirk! Kirk! Kirk!
[thump]
- Catch you all later.
[door shuts]
Baldric: The Co-lon-el
of Mu-stard in the billiard room
with the golden bludgeon.
Sir Dwight?
- [emotional] Sorry, what?
- You okay, honey bear?
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm just really happy
we're all here.
Baldric: I would wish to be
nowhere else.
[kiss]
Baldric: Hm.
[tender music]
♪
Gretta: Hold your position!
[pluck]
Gretta: Nyah!
- [pained grunts]
Oh!
Gretta: Huzzah.
- Mrs. White
in the conservatory
with the rope.
Gretta: [laughing]
Ah.
Mrs. White with a rope.
[laughing]
How could such
a tiny round woman
strangle a man
with a rope?
Kirk: But not this rope.
It's too thick.
- Perhaps this weapon
would be a good choice
for such a frail old woman.
- Mm.
Gretta: The rope would be
a good choice
for Co-lo-nel Mus-tard, hm?
Kirk: Hm.
And the knife,
would be a better weapon for...
the peacock lady.
Dwight: Guys, I think
we're missing the objective
of the game here.
- I got it.
Professor Plum in the kitchen
with the revolver.
- The professor?
Gretta: [gasps] But he has
such a kind face.
What would push such a man
to murder?
Kirk: Desperation, and love.
Gretta: [gasp] Miss Scarlet.
Look, she is
in the kitchen also.
- He was defending
his lady love.
Gretta: Valiant Professor Plum.
- Mm.
Baldric: Oh no, there are
legions more of them.
It's no use.
I cannot go.
- But, you must.
- Will you go
in my place, Sir Dwight?
Tell him I've a bad case
of half-off sushi,
and have taken to my bed.
- Go where?
Gretta: To the Swine
and Slosh Tavern.
- And tell who what?
- Brodogg.
- Baldric's brother.
- Brodogg?
Nana: I didn't know
you had a brother.
Dwight: For real,
his name is Brodogg?
Baldric: 'Twas my father's name
and my grandfather's.
- Baldric and Brodogg
went to
magician school together.
Oo.
Baldric: Oh, no,
there is no need
to revisit ancient history.
- Oh, Baldric,
you're such a cutie!
- I was, yes.
Kirk: What is this?
- [gasp]
My medal of honor.
Uh.
Give me that, berserker.
I was voted most likely
to become
the greatest magician
of all time.
- Wow, no kidding.
- What splendid days
those were.
The magician's guild begged
me to be their chancellor
and the warrior mages wanted me
as their commander.
- Oh.
- And thank heavens
you turned them both down.
- You did?
Baldric: Yes, I received
a letter from the queen,
Princess Gretta's mother
entreating my help.
Gretta: Baldric came at once
and has never left since.
Baldric: Consequently
my brother, Brodogg
became the chancellor
of the magician's guild
and then commander
of the warrior mages.
- Good for him.
- He's been named
Greatest Magician
in the Kingdom
three consecutive years,
and the kingdom's
most eligible bachelor
four consecutive years.
[huff]
- He sounds like
kind of a big deal.
Nana: Come on, Baldric.
He's your brother,
and he's come all this way
to see you.
- He has come all this way
for a mage's assembly.
Dwight: Still, he's here.
Kirk: At least your brother
wants to see you.
- [sigh]
Kirk: Now.
What is this?
Baldric: Hands off my things,
berserker.
[huff]
I am off.
Hands off!
[sigh]
Dwight: You got this!
- Ugh!
[slam]
- And what is this?
Nana: Oh.
Kirk: [blows dust]
Dwight: The Bestiary:
A Guide to Magical Creatures.
Nana: Oh.
- Unicornis Regificus.
[poof]
[neigh]
[birds chirping]
[neighing]
Gretta: How I do love unicorns.
I had a unicorn party
for my ninth birthday.
- I had a unicorn party
for my ninth birthday!
Kirk: I had a pillaging party
for my ninth birthday.
Nana: Oh.
Dwight: Huh.
Nana: Oh, Expiravit Iratus.
[poof]
Dwight: What's that?
Kirk: Banshee.
They're trouble.
[breathy banshee scream]
Nana/ Dwight: Oh, hm.
Dwight: Horridus Messorum.
[poof]
[birds chirping]
Dwight: That looks
a lot like the--
Gretta: The Grim Reaper.
Nana: Oh.
[crackling]
Look.
It's a note from Hexela.
Gretta/Dwight: Oooo.
Nana: My sweetest Baldi-boo.
All: [laughing]
Kirk: Baldi-boo.
Nana: Meet me
behind the stocks at half--
[loud knocking]
Nana: past the hour--
[loud knocking]
Dwight: Oh, I got it.
Oh, wait for me.
- [chuckle]
[ravens cawing]
- [whimper]
♪
Okay, so about
a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta,
and she was in big trouble
'cause she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
♪
So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone
in the woods to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with Gretta's
big, scary enemies,
but that guy never showed up.
Instead...
Ahhh!
[kiss]
they got me.
♪
Ahhh!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
Patrons: Baldric!
Barkeep: Orange Shasta?
- Diet.
- Rough day?
- It is surely about to be.
- Gretta!
There's a guy here.
He looks kinda,
quite a bit like--
Kirk: Death.
- May I come in?
Gretta: Of course not.
- Too late.
[door shuts]
- Hold this would you?
- Uh.
Nana: Wow, Death is
a snappy dresser.
- Thank you.
Kindly.
[thump]
Voilà.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm--
Gretta: The Grim Reaper.
- Grimbo, to my friends.
- Do you have any friends?
- I have you four.
Dwight: Oh.
- Nana.
You take such good care
of yourself.
If everyone were like you,
I could finally take a vacation.
Gretta, so close, so many times,
my dear,
but you are protected,
I can't blame myself.
Kirk, how are you, old friend?
What's the plan?
Stay around here forever?
Invisible and forgotten?
How long do you think
you can delay
the inevitable, hmm?
And Dwight,
you're the reason I'm here.
- M-me?
- Mm, you invoked my name,
and summoned me.
- He did?
- Horridus Messorum.
- I- I really didn't mean
to do that.
Grimbo: Well, uh, I'm here now.
What do you want to do?
Dwight: Uh.
We're just playing Clue.
- Oh.
Gretta: But you need not stay.
We know how terribly busy
you are.
- I'm free till sundown.
Then Dwight and I
have to get back.
- Get back?
- Mm.
But there's plenty of time
to play Clue.
Kirk: Where are you taking him?
- To regions of the dead.
I can't return empty-handed
and since you're the one
who summoned me.
- By total accident.
- Oo, it really should be you.
[guzzle]
- Ah.
Keep 'em comin'.
- Wanna talk about it, Baldric?
- They named me
the most likely to become
the greatest magician
of all time.
[sigh]
Now look at me.
Hardly better
than a royal nanny.
- I thought
you were a royal nanny.
You're a magician?!
Do a trick!
- I do not do [grunt] tricks.
- [gasp]
- [giggling]
- Dad?
Dad, is that you?
[laughs]
- Oh.
Brodogg: Look at you.
I always knew you were
an amazing magician.
But this, might be
your greatest feat yet.
You've added a half century
to your face.
Ho-ho!
[laughing]
All: [laughing mockingly]
[phone buzzing]
- Baldric,
beckon me back at once.
It's a nine hundred
and eleven.
Kirk: I say we stuff him
in the sack.
Nana: Okay, and then what?
Kirk: Sell him
to the gypsies.
Nana: No, Kirk.
Give me the sack.
Dwight: The Grim Reaper may
only remain in the land
of the living until the setting
of the sun
and then must take
a soul with him
when he returns
to the realm of the dead.
Grimbo: Then can I be
Mr. Green?
Nana: Uh, sure thing, Grimbo!
Grimbo: I've got
the board set up.
Everybody remember
how to play?
Oh, oo.
Dice.
I love dice.
Dwight: Hold up.
Defio mortemus domino!
Uh, no, wait.
Defio, morto, dominus!
- Well-played, young man,
well-played.
- What?
Dwight: It says right here
if you ever accidentally
summon the Grim Reaper--
- This happens a lot?
Grimbo: More
than you'd think.
Dwight: You can cheat him
by defeating him in a challenge.
- So if Sir Dwight
defeats you in a challenge
he doesn't have to go with you
at sunset.
Grimbo: Correct.
Nana: Wow.
That's a loophole.
- That I wish more people
knew about.
Dwight: You do?
Grimbo: Mm, makes death
a little more fun.
We can do as many challenges
as you want.
Let's make it interesting,
why don't we?
And then at sunset,
fun's over and off we go.
Hm?
Dwight: Just a sec.
Team huddle.
Kirk: I don't trust him.
Nana: Me neither.
Kirk: I'll sit on him.
And you run.
Nana: Good plan.
Gretta: There's no use running
from death.
You have to best him
in a challenge.
Dwight: Right.
What challenge?
Gretta: Something
you are exceptionally good at.
[giggling]
Brodogg: Mingus.
Never give up on your dreams.
Huh?
- Did you want my?
- So, big brother.
You were the greatest magician
in the kingdom and now,
you have pretzels
in your beard.
- Huh?
Oh.
Uh, uh.
Well, life happened, Brodogg.
I took a job to help a friend
thinking it would
only be temporary.
Brodogg: It was taking care
of a small human, wasn't it?
- A princess, in fact,
and though she's taken
my life in a new direction,
I have no regrets.
- [laughs]
Oh-ho-ho.
I have no regrets.
[crowd laughs]
Brodogg: I have no regrets.
I have no regrets.
I love this guy.
Mwah.
I have no regrets.
I love this man.
[ding]
- Wow.
[sloshy thump]
[ding]
[cheering]
- Good job!
Good for you.
What's the name
of this game again?
- Bottle flipping.
It's actually a lot harder
than it--
- Just uh, sort of--
[ding]
- Delightful.
[laughs]
Sorry.
[phone buzzing]
Brodogg: And this
I got in a little scrap
with the necromancers
of Niflia.
Uh, uh, uh.
Behave yourself.
And this I got from a bout
with a bad-tempered
beetle beast.
[giggles]
Baldric: Well,
I got this nasty little scar
when I pulled a pan
of brownies out of the oven
and in my understandable
excitement
forgot to wear
an oven mitt!
Oh, ho.
Oo.
Oh, it hurt like the smickens.
Ho, the brownies were delicious.
- You better get over here.
[crunch]
Gretta: Mm, perfectly delicious.
Nana: So good.
The tofu is firm,
and the lettuce is crispy,
and the cashews are
the perfect crunchy.
Kirk: Good.
Dwight: Mm. Great.
Now turn your plates around
and try contestant number two.
Gretta: Good, sweet, kind,
merciful heavens above,
this is absolutely incredible!
Nana: Mm.
The tofu!
The lettuce!
The cashews.
Mwa.
You made more of these,
right Dwight?
Kirk: More?
Where are they?
Grimbo: Help yourselves.
[crunching]
Dwight:
C-H-R-Y-
S-A-N-
T-H-I-M-U-M
Chrysanthemum.
Grimbo: [sighs]
That is a toughie.
C-H-R-Y-S-A-N-
T-H-E-M-U-M.
Chrysanthemum.
Gretta: Oh.
- Sorry.
Oh, Mr. Green in the dining room
with the candlestick.
Hm?
All: [groaning]
[clink]
Dwight: Uh, heads.
- Mm.
Sorry.
Gretta: [sigh]
Dwight: Again.
Brodogg: Are you ready?
You ready, huh?
Huh? Huh?
[applause]
Huh?
[laughs]
Good e'en.
Couldn't help but notice
how attractive we both are.
[crunch]
- Yeoaahhh!
Hexela: I've been looking
everywhere for you Baldric.
I need a magician.
Brodogg: A magician.
Hexela: The greatest magician
in the world.
Brodogg: It's your lucky day.
Hexela: Kind,
tender,
selfless,
devoted,
and dearly, dearly loved.
[kiss]
Shall we go?
Baldric: Mm-hm.
Hexela: You're family is waiting
for you.
- Little brother,
you may have fame,
wealth,
strength,
fans,
[cheering]
age-defying good looks,
a confident gaze,
a nice head of hair,
but I,
I am the luckiest man
in the world
[phone buzzing]
oh, eleven missed beckonings,
oh,
so you can keep your celebrity
and your abnormally smooth face,
I have this.
- A beckoning device?
- No, uh.
My little girl,
she is my everything.
It was good
to see you brother.
Quickly.
Brodogg: [sigh]
Hm.
Who wants to see
my snapping dragon scar?
[cheering]
- Tails.
Dwight: Gah!
Do you realize what
the statistical probability is
of you getting every coin flip
right 212 times in a row?
- I know!
I'm curious to see how long
I can keep this going.
- Tails.
Gah!
Grimbo: Well, it's been fun.
You ready to go?
- Is it sunset already?
- Yeah.
Time flies.
- [gasp] Grimbo!
- Hexela!
You've been avoiding me.
And Baldric,
you're time is coming
don't you worry.
- What are you doing
here, Grimbo?
- Well, I was invited.
- What?
- Horridus Messorum,
as it were.
Baldric: No.
Which one of you dunderheads
uttered his name?
Dwight: That would be me?
Hexela: Uh.
- Oh, it's time to get going.
Baldric: [stuttering]
Not so fast.
We both know the rules.
'Tis true you cannot return
to your realm empty-handed,
but there's nothing saying
that Sir Dwight must be
the one to go with you.
Grimbo: True enough,
if you think you can find me
a volunteer
in the next three minutes.
Baldric: Uh.
Nana: I'll go
in Dwight's place.
- Absolutely not.
- I shall be the one who goes.
Baldric: Princess!
Dwight: Heck no!
Forget it!
Gretta: I insist!
Dwight: Well, I double-insist.
Gretta: I'm going
by royal decree.
Dwight: Whatever,
you can't play the princess card
with me.
Gretta: Nah.
Baldric: Both of you
stand aside!
Baldric: I will go.
Hexela: Baldric!
Gretta: Absolutely not!
- I am sworn
to protect you, princess.
To give my very life
if it were necessary.
- Well, it isn't.
I shall go
in Baldric's place.
Baldric: Hexela, now.
Hexela: Uh.
- Really?
Baldric: You're not going
anywhere,
you exasperating witch.
- If anyone is going, 'tis I.
- I'm the one
that summoned him,
come on Grimbo,
let's get out of here.
Gretta: No!
- Not on your life.
I'll go in Dwight's place.
Dwight: Yeah, no way.
I'm going and that's final.
Gretta: Over my dead body!
[fighting sounds]
Dwight: If you die, I die,
remember?
Baldric: Out of my way.
Gretta: No!
[thwap]
Hexela: Don't ever
forget me, Baldric!
[screaming]
[fighting sounds]
[bang]
Kirk: [yells]
I'm going!
You will take me.
- Kirk.
It would be my honor
to escort you.
You are dearly awaited.
- No.
- In the Hall of the Fallen.
- Not me.
- Ah, right.
You're verboten.
- I'll just wait on the steps.
- Barred from the Hall
of the Fallen,
until you save
one human life.
Dwight: Kirk!
[crying]
Kirk: You are my friend.
- Thank you.
- Farewell, my lady fair.
- Bye, Kirk.
Grimbo: C'mon,
you don't want to be late
for your own party.
- Party?
- Mead and roast beast,
and music and dancing.
Your brothers even worked up
a special song.
- For me?
Grimbo: Well, who else?
Are you ready?
Kirk: [sigh]
[bagpipe dancing music]
[chanting] Kirk! Kirk! Kirk!
[thump]
- Catch you all later.
[door shuts]
Baldric: The Co-lon-el
of Mu-stard in the billiard room
with the golden bludgeon.
Sir Dwight?
- [emotional] Sorry, what?
- You okay, honey bear?
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm just really happy
we're all here.
Baldric: I would wish to be
nowhere else.
[kiss]
Baldric: Hm.
[tender music]
♪