Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 4, Episode 6 - The Draugar - full transcript
[groovy music]
♪
Zeke: We need more
body parts in here, people!
Come on, let's move,
let's move, let's move!
♪
[coffin rattling]
Dwight: Ahh!
Hello?
Help!
- Anything amiss?
[rattling]
Dwight: Gretta?
[gasping breaths]
That lid is super sticky.
- Hm.
- Hey Zeke!
- Woooo.
Look alive, people.
Doors open in 11 minutes.
Oh, [chuckles]
love the costume, Gretta.
- I am a Somu warrior.
- Ah, Sumo wrestler.
- What is your disguise?
Zeke: Zombie surfer.
Dwight: Hey guys,
we're not gonna have
a vampire jumpscare
out of this coffin
unless I get some WD-40
in here STAT.
- On it.
- Thanks, man.
- What, pray,
is a zombie surfer?
- A surfer is somebody
who rides waves in the ocean
and a zombie is a dead body
come back to life...
which is not a real thing.
- Obviously.
[raspberry]
Rides waves in the ocean,
[laugh snorts]
Baldric: Ah, Highness.
The bastion torches are
in place.
- Oh, tiki torches
go to Juliet,
she's in charge
of the voodoo temple.
- Not tiki torches,
Sir Dwight.
- Bastion torches.
- Where did you secure them?
- At the entrance, Highness.
Dwight: Well, you just can't go
putting torches
wherever you want,
the voodoo temple is
in the west corner of the gym.
- But it's All Hallow's Eve.
- The bastion torches must burn
from sundown to sunrise,
else the unsettled dead
will rise from their graves.
- To settle old scores.
Baldric: Mm.
- You mean, actually burn?
[crackling]
- You mean,
you put actual burning torches
in front of the school?
Gretta: To keep us
perfectly safe.
Baldric: You are welcome.
- Well, the fire marshal's
gonna be all over us.
- Better the marshal of fires
than legions of unsettled dead.
Zeke: [panting] Here you go.
All right, you good here?
Gotta get over
to the graveyard.
Dwight: Yeah, I got this.
Zeke: All right, cool.
Uh, show time in nine minutes.
Positions everybody!
Gretta: This is so exciting.
I've never enjoyed such
a festive All Hallow's Eve.
- Most years we spend it
hiding under our beds
waiting for the sun to rise.
- Well,
we can all celebrate Halloween
in our own way.
- Yes.
Dwight: All right.
Ha!
How do I look?
- Most convincing.
Baldric/Gretta: Oooo.
- [unconvincingly] Terrifying.
Oooh.
- Well, I'll just get
into position here.
You guys get in line
with everybody else
and remember, no spoilers.
[bam]
Dwight: Oh!
♪
Dwight: Okay, so about
a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta,
and she was in big trouble,
'cause she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
♪
So, her court magician,
Baldric cast the champion spell.
It put everyone
in the woods to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with
Gretta's big, scary enemies.
But that guy, never showed up,
instead...
Ahhh!
[kiss]
Dwight: They got me.
Ahh!
♪
Dwight: Ow!
♪
♪
Gretta: Burning brightly
and just in time.
Baldric: We have nothing to fear
this year.
♪
[bang]
[bang]
[multiple bangs]
Dwight: Help!
Hello?
Help!
Baldric: Oo.
[laughs]
Oh.
[laughs]
[scary sounds]
- [laughs]
Zeke: [scary yell]
Gretta: Huh!
Zeke: [grunt]
[thud]
Gretta/ Baldric: [laugh]
- Oo, oo, oo.
[rattling]
- [frustrated grunts]
Gretta!
[scary noises]
Gretta/ Baldric: [scream]
[thumping]
- Baldric!
Gretta!
[screaming]
- [grunting]
Dwight: [hyperventilating]
That was
a freakin' nightmare!
- I remember the first
time I was trapped in a coffin.
- The first time?
Gretta: Count yourself lucky
there wasn't a corpse
in there with you.
- Ew.
Baldric: Ah, don't let it
spoil the festivities,
Sir Dwight.
- Why did we never make
a holiday of All Hallow's Eve?
- Hm.
Gretta: Instead of lighting
our bastion torches
and cowering under our beds?
Baldric: Oh, have you seen
the voodoo temple?
Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha.
- Most amusing.
Baldric: Or
the haunted boneyard? Rawr.
- Delightful.
Baldric: I never thought
I'd say it,
but I love All Hallow's Eve.
- Shall we make our way
to the bake sale of horrors?
- Indeed we shall
and buy cookies in the shape
of human fingers.
[evil laugh]
- We'll make merry
until sun up.
- Except we close at 10.
Gretta: Knowing
our bastion torches
burn brightly.
[whoosh]
Fireman 1: Numbskull kids.
[whoosh]
[eerie music and sounds]
[intense music]
[rustling leaves]
[groans]
[clang]
♪
[clatter]
- [gasp]
Ha.
Ah floof.
Children: Trick or treat!
[general happy chatter]
[soft growls]
Girl: [excited yell]
Zombie Walk!
Woo!
Zombie Wa-a-alk!
[growls]
♪
- Are those zombies?
Oh, sweetie, give
those zombies some candy.
Isn't that so fun?
[growls]
[ding dong]
- Whoa!
- I seek the heir
of the house of Moondragon.
- You are awesome.
- The ruler of Rogemore.
Lincoln: Hey guys,
come check this out!
Hotdog: Sick!
Lincoln: Right?
How'd you do the blood?
Hotdog: Hey Derrick!
You gotta come see this guy!
Mr. Hammond: Hey there,
Mr. Baldric.
Nice costume.
- Ah, hm.
I am a luchador.
A mighty warrior from the south.
- Love that.
What can I get ya?
Spider cupcake?
Baldric: Yep.
Mr. Hammond: Or a pirate guts
hot dog?
Baldric: Yes.
Ye--
Well met, Brother Magician.
- Hey, Happy Halloween.
[chuckles]
Baldric: Yes,
I, too am a magician,
but in disguise.
- Nice.
Baldric: Did you bring
bastion torches of your own?
Ours are already in place
at the main gate.
Gretta: [giggling]
Baldric, Mr. Hammond,
eyeballs!
There are eyeballs
in my drink.
Baldric: Eyeballs indeed.
[laughs heartily]
How disturbing.
[laughs]
Vaseeli: And so good friends,
the last thing I remember was
Brunella the Blighter
ramming this stick
into my heart.
Putting an abrupt and
unpleasant end
to what had been a very nice
rampage of bloodsucking.
- Hang on Vaseeli.
If she rammed a stake
through your heart,
shouldn't you be dead?
- Oh yes, dead
as a mutton in a butcher shop.
- So, if you're dead.
- As a rat cut in half!
- Then how are you sitting here?
Come on, Vaseeli.
You gotta keep
your own rules.
- It is All Hallow's Eve, Jake.
The one night a year,
when the unsettled dead
may roam.
- So you are dead.
- As a head on a pike.
- But unsettled.
Vaseeli: Deeply unsettled.
And so, I must be on my way.
Lincoln: No, no, no,
Vaseeli, come on.
We're about to play
Texas Hold'em.
- Yeah.
- You are a most
generous group of bloodsnacks.
If I weren't saving
my appetite.
I would gladly feast
upon you all.
[deep inhale]
Brunella the Blighter is gone.
[deep inhale]
But not her bloodline.
The house of Moondragon
has an heir.
- So where you headed?
- To settle a score.
Lincoln: Hey, well,
come on back
if you get bored with that.
- That guy was awesome.
- Hey, maybe we can have
him back next year.
- Yeah.
- [hiss]
Santa Claus: Whoa.
[chuckles]
Gretta: Look, Sir Dwight.
Eyeballs!
Baldric: Would you like
a human finger cookie?
- Shh,
I gotta stay in character.
Baldric: Oh,
should I close you in?
- No!
No, no, no.
Open is good.
- Oh.
- I don't do
closed coffins any more.
- Hm, very wise.
Mr. Hammond: Everything okay
in the vampire crypt?
Dwight: Mr. Hammond, hey.
Hail Caesar.
- Uh, yeah.
- What's wrong?
Zeke: The fire marshal,
he was this close
to shutting us down.
- What?
Mr. Hammond: I talked him
out of it,
but only because
we're giving our proceeds
to the music program
and his daughter
is first chair trumpet.
- Let me guess,
a couple of numbskulls
lit a couple of torches
outside the school.
Baldric: Well.
Gretta: Hm? Numbskulls?
Zeke: The culprits
haven't been identified,
but yeah.
Let's assume, numbskulls.
Dwight: Coulda set the school
on fire.
Mr. Hammond: Well,
the torches are out now
and we got off
with a warning.
- What?
Zeke: Really just a slap
on the wrist.
- The torches are out.
- How long
have they been out?
- Uh...about an hour.
Gretta: We are undone!
Baldric: I have
more fire twigs, Highness.
Quickly!
- No!
No, no, no, no.
Torches are out
and they are staying out.
Give me those matches!
Baldric: Uh.
Gretta: [panting]
Dwight: Guys!
If you light that match,
I am pulling that fire alarm.
Gretta: Sir Dwight,
the bastion torches are
the only thing keeping
the unsettled dead
in their graves this night.
- Listen,
I appreciate
your cultural traditions,
you have a different way
of observing Halloween,
and I respect that
but you are taking
this unsettled dead thing
way too far.
It's all fun and games
until you set the school
on fire.
[growls]
Dwight: Wow, who put together
the zombie walk?
- Those aren't zombies,
Sir Dwight.
- What are zombies?
- Corpses that have
been brought back to life.
- Except zombies
are not real.
- Right.
- Then those are
definitely not zombies.
- Right, again.
- They are draugar.
- What are draugar?
- Corpses
that have come back to life.
- So, like zombies.
- We-mm.
Gretta: Except draugar are real.
- Guys, it's just a..
bunch of dudes in..
cosplay outfits, and--
Draugar: [growling]
[swords drawing]
Dwight: and costume shop makeup.
[sloppy thud]
- Really good
costume shop makeup.
- We must draw them away
from the peasants.
Run!
Dwight: Uh, uh.
[fire alarm]
Various people:
Is that the fire alarm?
Dwight: Come on everybody!
Baldric: Flee while you can,
you simpletons!
Run for your lives.
Mr. Hammond: No running.
Gretta: Run, push, shove!
Mr. Hammond: No pushing.
Just exit in an orderly fashion.
Zeke: Okay everyone is out.
Meet at the rally point.
Baldric: Oh.
Uh.
We're trapped.
This way.
Dwight: Uh!
- Uh.
How do Somu warriors
fight in this ridiculous armor?
- Zombies!
Real zombies!
Zombies are real
and those are real zombies!
- They are draugar,
Sir Dwight.
- Those are
totally zombies!
Baldric: They are soldiers
who died dishonorably,
doomed to roam
on All Hallow's Eve.
Gretta: What do they want
with us?
[draugar growl]
Baldric: Uh, uh!
Gretta: Ah!
Dwight: [yelping]
Draugar: [growling]
Dwight: [yelping]
Dwight: Hey!
No swords at school!
Gretta: Sir Dwight,
it is All Hallow's Eve!
The one night of all nights
I need a sword!
Draugar: [growling]
All humans: [yelping]
- I just didn't think
I'd go out this way.
Killed by real zombies
in a fake voodoo temple.
Baldric: We die
with honor, Highness.
Unlike these foul fiends!
Gretta: If you've a score
to settle,
settle it now.
[clang]
Gretta: Uh.
All: [gasp]
- There you are.
Heir of Rogemore.
Blood of the house
of Moondragon.
- Vaseeli, the vampire.
- Vampire?
Well, now you're telling me
there's zombies and vampires?
- They roam
on All Hallow's Eve.
- Hence
the bastion torches.
The only force
that would've kept them
in their graves this night.
- Freaking fire marshal.
Gretta: What do you want,
creature of evil?
- I want to drain the blood
of Brunella the Blighter.
- My granny?
- Down
to the last savory drop.
- Your grandmother was
the one that drove that stake
in this vile vampire's heart.
- Yes, as you see here.
- Go, granny.
- Alas, she is dead
and gone to dust.
So, my vengeance must fall
upon you.
You have
your grandmother's sword.
And her blood.
[deep inhale]
- Ew.
Draugar: [growls]
Baldric: Run, Highness!
Run!
[crash]
- Hm.
- Ah-ah.
[swords clanging]
Dwight: What do we do now?
Gretta: We stand our ground.
Baldric: We should find a bed
and hide under it until sun up.
[thumping and sword noises]
Draugar: [growl]
- [inhale]
- Ahhh!
[thump and crash]
Gretta: Baldric!
Dwight: Ahhh!
[crash]
- You do so remind me
of your grandmother.
- She taught me well.
Uh.
Ah.
Uh.
[strangled breath]
- I think this revenge
is going to be sweet.
[growls]
[thump]
Gretta: Ha!
[clunk]
[thump]
- Take that!
Dwight: Oh, uh, u-u-uh.
Gretta: Are you unscathed?
Yeah, no worries.
I-I'm totally unscathed.
[panting]
Just traumatized.
- I well recall
my first encounter
with a vampire.
- Oh, huh.
- Your first?
Draugar: [growls]
- And now we're back
to the zombies.
What are they doing?
- Captain?
- Good heavens.
It is he.
- Who?
Gretta: The captain...
of my Royal Guard.
- They fled
during the siege.
Gretta: Abandoning us
to a certain death.
- [growl]
- Captain,
what happened to you?
Captain: [growl]
Gretta: Orcs.
- You fled one death
only to find another.
- A death without honor.
Dwight: So they didn't come
to settle a score, they came--
- to make amends.
Dwight: Huh.
Nice zombies.
[knocking]
Vaseeli: Hello there,
hello there.
Bloodsnacks?
Shall we let bygones
be bygones?
Now what say you?
- Not on your life,
you bloodsucker!
[slap]
That should hold him.
Dwight: Good job, guys.
- Captain.
I thank you and your men
for fulfilling your duty
and defending me from harm,
even in death you are still
my Royal Guards
worthy to bear that name.
Your honor is now restored.
Go to your graves and
rest there forever in peace.
Captain: [growls]
All draugar: [growl]
- Interiors clear,
let's work the perimeter.
Dwight: Go, go, go, go, go.
Hurry up.
Please.
[knocking]
Vaseeli: I only get
this one night out fellows.
I was supposed to play
Texas Hold 'Em.
♪
[rustling]
[wolf howling]
[shimmering sound]
[school bell rings]
Zeke: Great day, Woodchuckians.
Great day!
Johnson, Bush, outstanding
leaky faucet follow-up.
Seigel, Carmichael,
Principal Schumaker
state of the school address
should be ready to post
by 10 p.m.
Got it?
And a special shout out
to Dwight and Gretta,
their first frontpage story
hit the website this morning.
We've already had 198 hits.
[clapping and snapping]
Zeke: Police conclude it was
a random act of hooliganism.
- Just some Halloween fun
that got out of hand.
Gretta: And had nothing to do
with a vampire
or battalions of the undead.
Or my granny Brunella.
Zeke: Oh it's the biggest story
to hit Woodside High
since the expired TruMoo
in the vending machines.
Now, onto the next one, people.
Hunt, Gwaldeck, keep digging
into that Pizza Friday scam.
All right, somebody's not
telling me the whole truth,
and I want answers.
- Answers.
Zeke: What's the odor
in the computer lab?
Huh?
Who wants that one?
Bring it on, guys.
Masked luchador
sets burning torches
outside of Woodside High.
Anybody?
Gretta: [sighs]
Dwight: Um.
♪
♪
Zeke: We need more
body parts in here, people!
Come on, let's move,
let's move, let's move!
♪
[coffin rattling]
Dwight: Ahh!
Hello?
Help!
- Anything amiss?
[rattling]
Dwight: Gretta?
[gasping breaths]
That lid is super sticky.
- Hm.
- Hey Zeke!
- Woooo.
Look alive, people.
Doors open in 11 minutes.
Oh, [chuckles]
love the costume, Gretta.
- I am a Somu warrior.
- Ah, Sumo wrestler.
- What is your disguise?
Zeke: Zombie surfer.
Dwight: Hey guys,
we're not gonna have
a vampire jumpscare
out of this coffin
unless I get some WD-40
in here STAT.
- On it.
- Thanks, man.
- What, pray,
is a zombie surfer?
- A surfer is somebody
who rides waves in the ocean
and a zombie is a dead body
come back to life...
which is not a real thing.
- Obviously.
[raspberry]
Rides waves in the ocean,
[laugh snorts]
Baldric: Ah, Highness.
The bastion torches are
in place.
- Oh, tiki torches
go to Juliet,
she's in charge
of the voodoo temple.
- Not tiki torches,
Sir Dwight.
- Bastion torches.
- Where did you secure them?
- At the entrance, Highness.
Dwight: Well, you just can't go
putting torches
wherever you want,
the voodoo temple is
in the west corner of the gym.
- But it's All Hallow's Eve.
- The bastion torches must burn
from sundown to sunrise,
else the unsettled dead
will rise from their graves.
- To settle old scores.
Baldric: Mm.
- You mean, actually burn?
[crackling]
- You mean,
you put actual burning torches
in front of the school?
Gretta: To keep us
perfectly safe.
Baldric: You are welcome.
- Well, the fire marshal's
gonna be all over us.
- Better the marshal of fires
than legions of unsettled dead.
Zeke: [panting] Here you go.
All right, you good here?
Gotta get over
to the graveyard.
Dwight: Yeah, I got this.
Zeke: All right, cool.
Uh, show time in nine minutes.
Positions everybody!
Gretta: This is so exciting.
I've never enjoyed such
a festive All Hallow's Eve.
- Most years we spend it
hiding under our beds
waiting for the sun to rise.
- Well,
we can all celebrate Halloween
in our own way.
- Yes.
Dwight: All right.
Ha!
How do I look?
- Most convincing.
Baldric/Gretta: Oooo.
- [unconvincingly] Terrifying.
Oooh.
- Well, I'll just get
into position here.
You guys get in line
with everybody else
and remember, no spoilers.
[bam]
Dwight: Oh!
♪
Dwight: Okay, so about
a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta,
and she was in big trouble,
'cause she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
♪
So, her court magician,
Baldric cast the champion spell.
It put everyone
in the woods to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with
Gretta's big, scary enemies.
But that guy, never showed up,
instead...
Ahhh!
[kiss]
Dwight: They got me.
Ahh!
♪
Dwight: Ow!
♪
♪
Gretta: Burning brightly
and just in time.
Baldric: We have nothing to fear
this year.
♪
[bang]
[bang]
[multiple bangs]
Dwight: Help!
Hello?
Help!
Baldric: Oo.
[laughs]
Oh.
[laughs]
[scary sounds]
- [laughs]
Zeke: [scary yell]
Gretta: Huh!
Zeke: [grunt]
[thud]
Gretta/ Baldric: [laugh]
- Oo, oo, oo.
[rattling]
- [frustrated grunts]
Gretta!
[scary noises]
Gretta/ Baldric: [scream]
[thumping]
- Baldric!
Gretta!
[screaming]
- [grunting]
Dwight: [hyperventilating]
That was
a freakin' nightmare!
- I remember the first
time I was trapped in a coffin.
- The first time?
Gretta: Count yourself lucky
there wasn't a corpse
in there with you.
- Ew.
Baldric: Ah, don't let it
spoil the festivities,
Sir Dwight.
- Why did we never make
a holiday of All Hallow's Eve?
- Hm.
Gretta: Instead of lighting
our bastion torches
and cowering under our beds?
Baldric: Oh, have you seen
the voodoo temple?
Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha.
- Most amusing.
Baldric: Or
the haunted boneyard? Rawr.
- Delightful.
Baldric: I never thought
I'd say it,
but I love All Hallow's Eve.
- Shall we make our way
to the bake sale of horrors?
- Indeed we shall
and buy cookies in the shape
of human fingers.
[evil laugh]
- We'll make merry
until sun up.
- Except we close at 10.
Gretta: Knowing
our bastion torches
burn brightly.
[whoosh]
Fireman 1: Numbskull kids.
[whoosh]
[eerie music and sounds]
[intense music]
[rustling leaves]
[groans]
[clang]
♪
[clatter]
- [gasp]
Ha.
Ah floof.
Children: Trick or treat!
[general happy chatter]
[soft growls]
Girl: [excited yell]
Zombie Walk!
Woo!
Zombie Wa-a-alk!
[growls]
♪
- Are those zombies?
Oh, sweetie, give
those zombies some candy.
Isn't that so fun?
[growls]
[ding dong]
- Whoa!
- I seek the heir
of the house of Moondragon.
- You are awesome.
- The ruler of Rogemore.
Lincoln: Hey guys,
come check this out!
Hotdog: Sick!
Lincoln: Right?
How'd you do the blood?
Hotdog: Hey Derrick!
You gotta come see this guy!
Mr. Hammond: Hey there,
Mr. Baldric.
Nice costume.
- Ah, hm.
I am a luchador.
A mighty warrior from the south.
- Love that.
What can I get ya?
Spider cupcake?
Baldric: Yep.
Mr. Hammond: Or a pirate guts
hot dog?
Baldric: Yes.
Ye--
Well met, Brother Magician.
- Hey, Happy Halloween.
[chuckles]
Baldric: Yes,
I, too am a magician,
but in disguise.
- Nice.
Baldric: Did you bring
bastion torches of your own?
Ours are already in place
at the main gate.
Gretta: [giggling]
Baldric, Mr. Hammond,
eyeballs!
There are eyeballs
in my drink.
Baldric: Eyeballs indeed.
[laughs heartily]
How disturbing.
[laughs]
Vaseeli: And so good friends,
the last thing I remember was
Brunella the Blighter
ramming this stick
into my heart.
Putting an abrupt and
unpleasant end
to what had been a very nice
rampage of bloodsucking.
- Hang on Vaseeli.
If she rammed a stake
through your heart,
shouldn't you be dead?
- Oh yes, dead
as a mutton in a butcher shop.
- So, if you're dead.
- As a rat cut in half!
- Then how are you sitting here?
Come on, Vaseeli.
You gotta keep
your own rules.
- It is All Hallow's Eve, Jake.
The one night a year,
when the unsettled dead
may roam.
- So you are dead.
- As a head on a pike.
- But unsettled.
Vaseeli: Deeply unsettled.
And so, I must be on my way.
Lincoln: No, no, no,
Vaseeli, come on.
We're about to play
Texas Hold'em.
- Yeah.
- You are a most
generous group of bloodsnacks.
If I weren't saving
my appetite.
I would gladly feast
upon you all.
[deep inhale]
Brunella the Blighter is gone.
[deep inhale]
But not her bloodline.
The house of Moondragon
has an heir.
- So where you headed?
- To settle a score.
Lincoln: Hey, well,
come on back
if you get bored with that.
- That guy was awesome.
- Hey, maybe we can have
him back next year.
- Yeah.
- [hiss]
Santa Claus: Whoa.
[chuckles]
Gretta: Look, Sir Dwight.
Eyeballs!
Baldric: Would you like
a human finger cookie?
- Shh,
I gotta stay in character.
Baldric: Oh,
should I close you in?
- No!
No, no, no.
Open is good.
- Oh.
- I don't do
closed coffins any more.
- Hm, very wise.
Mr. Hammond: Everything okay
in the vampire crypt?
Dwight: Mr. Hammond, hey.
Hail Caesar.
- Uh, yeah.
- What's wrong?
Zeke: The fire marshal,
he was this close
to shutting us down.
- What?
Mr. Hammond: I talked him
out of it,
but only because
we're giving our proceeds
to the music program
and his daughter
is first chair trumpet.
- Let me guess,
a couple of numbskulls
lit a couple of torches
outside the school.
Baldric: Well.
Gretta: Hm? Numbskulls?
Zeke: The culprits
haven't been identified,
but yeah.
Let's assume, numbskulls.
Dwight: Coulda set the school
on fire.
Mr. Hammond: Well,
the torches are out now
and we got off
with a warning.
- What?
Zeke: Really just a slap
on the wrist.
- The torches are out.
- How long
have they been out?
- Uh...about an hour.
Gretta: We are undone!
Baldric: I have
more fire twigs, Highness.
Quickly!
- No!
No, no, no, no.
Torches are out
and they are staying out.
Give me those matches!
Baldric: Uh.
Gretta: [panting]
Dwight: Guys!
If you light that match,
I am pulling that fire alarm.
Gretta: Sir Dwight,
the bastion torches are
the only thing keeping
the unsettled dead
in their graves this night.
- Listen,
I appreciate
your cultural traditions,
you have a different way
of observing Halloween,
and I respect that
but you are taking
this unsettled dead thing
way too far.
It's all fun and games
until you set the school
on fire.
[growls]
Dwight: Wow, who put together
the zombie walk?
- Those aren't zombies,
Sir Dwight.
- What are zombies?
- Corpses that have
been brought back to life.
- Except zombies
are not real.
- Right.
- Then those are
definitely not zombies.
- Right, again.
- They are draugar.
- What are draugar?
- Corpses
that have come back to life.
- So, like zombies.
- We-mm.
Gretta: Except draugar are real.
- Guys, it's just a..
bunch of dudes in..
cosplay outfits, and--
Draugar: [growling]
[swords drawing]
Dwight: and costume shop makeup.
[sloppy thud]
- Really good
costume shop makeup.
- We must draw them away
from the peasants.
Run!
Dwight: Uh, uh.
[fire alarm]
Various people:
Is that the fire alarm?
Dwight: Come on everybody!
Baldric: Flee while you can,
you simpletons!
Run for your lives.
Mr. Hammond: No running.
Gretta: Run, push, shove!
Mr. Hammond: No pushing.
Just exit in an orderly fashion.
Zeke: Okay everyone is out.
Meet at the rally point.
Baldric: Oh.
Uh.
We're trapped.
This way.
Dwight: Uh!
- Uh.
How do Somu warriors
fight in this ridiculous armor?
- Zombies!
Real zombies!
Zombies are real
and those are real zombies!
- They are draugar,
Sir Dwight.
- Those are
totally zombies!
Baldric: They are soldiers
who died dishonorably,
doomed to roam
on All Hallow's Eve.
Gretta: What do they want
with us?
[draugar growl]
Baldric: Uh, uh!
Gretta: Ah!
Dwight: [yelping]
Draugar: [growling]
Dwight: [yelping]
Dwight: Hey!
No swords at school!
Gretta: Sir Dwight,
it is All Hallow's Eve!
The one night of all nights
I need a sword!
Draugar: [growling]
All humans: [yelping]
- I just didn't think
I'd go out this way.
Killed by real zombies
in a fake voodoo temple.
Baldric: We die
with honor, Highness.
Unlike these foul fiends!
Gretta: If you've a score
to settle,
settle it now.
[clang]
Gretta: Uh.
All: [gasp]
- There you are.
Heir of Rogemore.
Blood of the house
of Moondragon.
- Vaseeli, the vampire.
- Vampire?
Well, now you're telling me
there's zombies and vampires?
- They roam
on All Hallow's Eve.
- Hence
the bastion torches.
The only force
that would've kept them
in their graves this night.
- Freaking fire marshal.
Gretta: What do you want,
creature of evil?
- I want to drain the blood
of Brunella the Blighter.
- My granny?
- Down
to the last savory drop.
- Your grandmother was
the one that drove that stake
in this vile vampire's heart.
- Yes, as you see here.
- Go, granny.
- Alas, she is dead
and gone to dust.
So, my vengeance must fall
upon you.
You have
your grandmother's sword.
And her blood.
[deep inhale]
- Ew.
Draugar: [growls]
Baldric: Run, Highness!
Run!
[crash]
- Hm.
- Ah-ah.
[swords clanging]
Dwight: What do we do now?
Gretta: We stand our ground.
Baldric: We should find a bed
and hide under it until sun up.
[thumping and sword noises]
Draugar: [growl]
- [inhale]
- Ahhh!
[thump and crash]
Gretta: Baldric!
Dwight: Ahhh!
[crash]
- You do so remind me
of your grandmother.
- She taught me well.
Uh.
Ah.
Uh.
[strangled breath]
- I think this revenge
is going to be sweet.
[growls]
[thump]
Gretta: Ha!
[clunk]
[thump]
- Take that!
Dwight: Oh, uh, u-u-uh.
Gretta: Are you unscathed?
Yeah, no worries.
I-I'm totally unscathed.
[panting]
Just traumatized.
- I well recall
my first encounter
with a vampire.
- Oh, huh.
- Your first?
Draugar: [growls]
- And now we're back
to the zombies.
What are they doing?
- Captain?
- Good heavens.
It is he.
- Who?
Gretta: The captain...
of my Royal Guard.
- They fled
during the siege.
Gretta: Abandoning us
to a certain death.
- [growl]
- Captain,
what happened to you?
Captain: [growl]
Gretta: Orcs.
- You fled one death
only to find another.
- A death without honor.
Dwight: So they didn't come
to settle a score, they came--
- to make amends.
Dwight: Huh.
Nice zombies.
[knocking]
Vaseeli: Hello there,
hello there.
Bloodsnacks?
Shall we let bygones
be bygones?
Now what say you?
- Not on your life,
you bloodsucker!
[slap]
That should hold him.
Dwight: Good job, guys.
- Captain.
I thank you and your men
for fulfilling your duty
and defending me from harm,
even in death you are still
my Royal Guards
worthy to bear that name.
Your honor is now restored.
Go to your graves and
rest there forever in peace.
Captain: [growls]
All draugar: [growl]
- Interiors clear,
let's work the perimeter.
Dwight: Go, go, go, go, go.
Hurry up.
Please.
[knocking]
Vaseeli: I only get
this one night out fellows.
I was supposed to play
Texas Hold 'Em.
♪
[rustling]
[wolf howling]
[shimmering sound]
[school bell rings]
Zeke: Great day, Woodchuckians.
Great day!
Johnson, Bush, outstanding
leaky faucet follow-up.
Seigel, Carmichael,
Principal Schumaker
state of the school address
should be ready to post
by 10 p.m.
Got it?
And a special shout out
to Dwight and Gretta,
their first frontpage story
hit the website this morning.
We've already had 198 hits.
[clapping and snapping]
Zeke: Police conclude it was
a random act of hooliganism.
- Just some Halloween fun
that got out of hand.
Gretta: And had nothing to do
with a vampire
or battalions of the undead.
Or my granny Brunella.
Zeke: Oh it's the biggest story
to hit Woodside High
since the expired TruMoo
in the vending machines.
Now, onto the next one, people.
Hunt, Gwaldeck, keep digging
into that Pizza Friday scam.
All right, somebody's not
telling me the whole truth,
and I want answers.
- Answers.
Zeke: What's the odor
in the computer lab?
Huh?
Who wants that one?
Bring it on, guys.
Masked luchador
sets burning torches
outside of Woodside High.
Anybody?
Gretta: [sighs]
Dwight: Um.
♪