Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 4, Episode 5 - Smooch - full transcript
Dwight helps Hexela promote her salon on social media. But when a new magical lip-balm turns Gretta, Hexela, and Nana into goats, Dwight, Baldric, and Kirk the Berserker must turn to the infuriating Contrarian for a counter-spell.
Dwight: 'Kay guys, this ought
to get you up to speed.
[whistle]
[loud rumble]
Gretta: Look what
Sir Dwight has done.
Hm?
- Uh.
Gretta: He has conjured
the invisible ghost
of a berserker.
Baldric: Sound this whistle
to call to your side
the ghost who waits
upon the steps.
Dwight: What steps?
- Outside the Hall
of the Fallen.
Dwight: You can't get
into the Hall of the Fallen
with all
of the other berserkers?
- I did something.
- It doesn't matter.
It was a long time ago.
Dwight: From now on,
you're with us, okay?
♪
- Is your nose too big?
Your teeth too small?
Are your ears like
a couple of dinner gongs
stuck to the sides of your head?
Don't despair.
There's nothing
you hate about yourself
that can't be remedied
with a Hexela exclusive
lotion and potion.
[squeak]
[music whirs down]
Dwight: Cut!
Boom in the shot!
Ah.
Baldric, um, in general
the boom should never be
between the camera
and the actor, right?
- Ah.
Let me make a note of that.
Dwight: Great.
Baldric: Camera,
actor between,
never.
Boom.
- Are we almost through?
Nana: Get comfortable, honey.
There are no short days
in production.
Dwight: True facts.
Nana: Dwight
could tell you stories.
He's done three semesters
of film studies.
- Oh.
Dwight: I was Jason
in Mick's horror short
last fall.
Nana: Saturday the 14th.
- Yeah, and I was also
Darcy the lifeguard
in Juliet's romance this spring.
Nana: Poolside and Prejudice.
- [short laugh]
- Oh, Dwight.
What kind of energy
are you looking for from me?
- Just super amazed
and thrilled.
Really sell it.
Nana: Copy that.
Dwight: Uh, Hexela,
you're doing great,
just remember that the key
to being successful on YouTube
is relatability.
- And there's nothing
more relatable
than not wanting to be hideous.
Loud and clear.
Dwight: All right, everyone set?
Hexela: Mmhm.
Dwight: First positions.
[soft thunk]
Baldric: Ready!
Dwight: Baldric, you--
Baldric: Thousand pardons.
[soft thunk]
Baldric: Oh!
Pray, forgive me.
Shan't happen again.
- 'Kay.
[soft thunk]
[clink]
Baldric: [clears throat]
Dwight: Uh, just pick up
where you left off.
And...
action.
- We all know
you can't make a silk purse
out of a sow's ear.
[elegant laugh and snort]
Well, you can.
But wouldn't you rather make
a remedy for sagging jowls?
[gasp]
Oh, and here it is.
Hexela's sow's ear
jowl poultice.
[elegant laugh]
[door opens]
Hexela: [gasp]
Dwight: And cut!
Baldric: [sigh]
Nana: Hey there, Kirk.
Is that a ham?
Kirk: A shank of a Hormel.
Have all you like, lady fair.
Nana: Oh!
Wow, uh, juicy.
Kirk: Mm.
- I'm just gonna...
You got this, honeybear?
Dwight: Yeah.
Kinda in the middle
of something here, Kirk.
- Good!
I need a purpose.
- How 'bout you keep track
of this ham?
Kirk: [small growl]
- Dwight?
- What?
- [sniff]
[growl]
Ah!
Dwight: You wanna hold
the bounce board?
Kirk: [growl]
Dwight: Yeah.
- Bounce board.
- So just spin around.
Face that wall,
and now just don't move
or say a word,
until I say, "Cut."
- [growl]
- Right?
- [growl]
Dwight: [growl]
Kirk: [growl]
Dwight: [growl]
- [growly laugh]
- Awesome.
All right.
- Finally.
[clears throat]
Dwight: And...
action.
- I know
what you're thinking.
So much to do here.
- I beg your pardon.
Hexela: Where to begin?
The lifeless hair.
The dull skin.
The eye color.
Blech.
- What's wrong
with my eye color?
No, we begin with the lips.
Beautiful,
beguiling,
enticing lips
that will make up
for the rest
of this sad, sad shipwreck.
- Uh, uh.
Dwight: Stay with me, Baldric.
- I can't hold on.
- Hexela's lustrous lip gloss.
Take the gloss, take it.
It will transform you...
into a new creature.
- Uh.
Dwight: Nope, nope.
Saved it.
Still rolling, still rolling.
Uh, uh.
Lip gloss on, go,
lip gloss on,
lip gloss on.
- [gasp]
Behold.
[magical sound]
[bleating]
- [gasp]
- Good gravy!
Hexela's a...
[magical sound]
[bleating]
Kirk: Lady fair!
[bleating]
- Ah floof.
[magical sound]
[bleating]
Baldric: Princess!
- Holy cow!
- Holy goat!
Dwight: What!
What the heck?
Kirk: Those are goats!
Dwight: Nana!
Kirk: You thought those
were cows?
Have you ever seen a cow?
[bleating]
- They're goats!
♪
Dwight: Okay, so
about a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta
and she was in big trouble
'cause she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
♪
So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with Gretta's
big, scary enemies,
but that guy never showed up.
Instead,
ahhh,
[kiss]
they got me.
♪
Ahhh!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
[bleating]
Dwight: What happened?
Baldric: Ah.
Here it is.
can include goatness.
- What?
[bleating]
- Oh.
- GOATS!
- No, no, no,
nobody is going berserk!
Kirk: GOATS!
- KEEP IT TOGETHER!
Dwight/Kirk: [yelling]
- If I can reach him
before he leaves for the day.
[phone ringing]
- Who?
- I must see the contrarian.
Dwight: Come on.
Let's go, let's go.
[bleating]
Dwight: Come on.
Baldric: Right this way.
Dwight: Come on, Kirk.
- No goats allowed
in my tavern.
- Oh, these aren't really goats.
[bleat]
Baldric: This is Her Highness,
Princess Gretta the Besieged.
- And this is my Nana,
and this is Hexela.
[bleating]
Dwight: Oh, and this is Kirk.
You can't see him
'cause he's a ghost.
Baldric: We have
an appointment
with the contrarian.
- In the back.
Dwight: So, what's a contrarian?
Baldric: A specialist
in counterspells.
Don't let him ruffle you.
Dwight: Huh?
Baldric: Contrarians can be
rather... trying.
Good day to you, sir!
- I wouldn't say good.
The day has been passable
at best.
Dwight: And you must be
the contrarian.
- I prefer counterarian,
apparently no one cares
what I prefer.
Baldric: This is an emergency.
- If your skin were melting off,
that would be an emergency.
Dwight: We can all agree
on that.
- I don't like him.
He's a turd.
Dwight: Hey, be nice.
Sorry, you can't see him
'cause--
- A verboten curse.
You are forever barred
from the Hall of the Fallen.
Dwight: That's kind of
a sensitive subject.
Contrarian: The curse
may be counteracted
by saving one human life.
Next.
Baldric: Oh, that's me.
I'm next.
I'm the one who made
the appointment with you.
- Not with me,
with my assistant.
- As you say.
[stammering]
We need your help.
- No.
I do not offer help.
I offer
my professional opinion.
- [strained laughter]
Quite right.
We would like
your professional opinion
of these animals.
Contrarian: Not just animals,
let's be specific
and call them goats.
[bleating]
- Goats.
Baldric: [chuckles angrily]
Fine.
Goats they are.
- Ah, there's your mistake.
These are not goats,
these creatures are humans
in goat shape.
A lip gloss spell
can sometimes cause goatness.
Baldric: Yes!
Yes, yes.
Less than half an hour ago.
Contrarian: You have four hours
from the onset of goatness
to permanence of goatness.
- Permanence?
- What, so they'll stay goats?
Contrarian: I didn't say that.
I said, their goatness
will be permanent.
Dwight: So, they'll stay goats.
Contrarian: Follow these
instructions to the letter.
- We shall with haste.
- Not with haste.
With care and precision.
Dwight: Come on.
[bleating]
Dwight: I can't handle that guy.
Kirk: Let's twist his head off.
Dwight: No.
Ew.
But... yeah.
[glug, glug, glug]
- Ahhh.
[bleating]
- No, Hexela, slow down.
Kirk, can I get a hand?
Kirk?
Baldric: Oh.
- Hey!
Hey.
Wow, that looks great.
- It's from Soup and Scoop.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
The marionberry is amazing.
- Ew.
Oh, wow.
Oh, great.
Yeah.
Come on.
Come over here, please.
Goats,
I'm talking to the goats.
[laughing]
Kirk, get your butt over here.
- [small growl]
Dwight: Thank you.
[chuckle]
Thanks, buddy.
[sigh]
What does it say?
Baldric: Walk the goats
across troll bridge
bearing a bushel of stress.
- Stress is measured
in bushels?
Baldric: Ingest one mouthful
of stress.
Dwight: What?
Let me see that.
Whoa, that is ridiculous.
What? Are we supposed
to read this?
Baldric: Contrarians
pride themselves
on their illegible handwriting.
Dwight: Of course they do.
Baldric: Yes.
Dwight: Walk the soaps.
- Goats.
Dwight: I do not see that.
Baldric: Uh, um.
Dwight: Hey!
Excuse me,
you're a doctor, right?
Guy in Scrubs:
I'm a dental hygienist.
- Can you read this?
Guy in Scrubs: Walk the goats
across troll bridge
bearing a bushel of stress.
Baldric: Ha, ha!
Ha! See.
- Oh wait, sorry, straw.
Dwight: Ha! Thank you.
Thanks.
Thank you!
Gretta!
No!
Don't eat the trash,
that's gross.
Baldric: We must find a bushel
of straw without delay.
- I'm on it.
Uh.
Baldric: Yes, yes.
Dwight: That way.
Baldric: Come along.
Leave the pizza, princess.
[bleating]
Kirk: [growling bite]
[growl]
[bleating]
[bleating]
[growling]
Dwight: That's easily
a bushel, right?
Baldric: Yes.
To troll bridge!
Oh.
And quickly!
All right, come along ladies.
No time for grazing.
Let's go.
[bleating]
Dwight: So, what makes this
a troll bridge?
- The troll.
Troll: Heigh-ho there.
Dwight: [loud yelp]
Troll: Who wants
to cross my bridge?
Dwight: Uuuuh.
Baldric: We do.
- Yessirree, good sir,
that'll be one crown.
Baldric: Oh,
that's quite reasonable.
Oh, oh, oh,
did you mean both of you?
Uh, that'll be another crown.
Two people, two crowns,
that's our policy.
Baldric: Fine,
we are pressed for time.
Troll: Oh.
Well, crossing quickly
will cost you a crown more
than crossing slowly.
Dwight: What?
How does that make sense?
Troll: Eh, rules are rules.
- [small growl]
Baldric: Hurry, Sir Dwight.
Come along, ladies.
[bleating]
Troll: You.
You taking those goats across?
No, that'll cost ya.
Baldric: How much?
Troll: Well, three goats,
three crowns.
- Unbelievable.
Baldric: Three more crowns
gains crossing
for ourselves
and the goats, yes?
Troll: Yessirree.
Oh, but did I forget,
you're wearing clothes.
Baldric: Pardon?
Troll: That's
an additional crown.
- For wearing clothes?
Troll: Eh, that's our policy.
Dwight: [stammering
in frustration]
Fine.
[muttering]
- Sir Dwight!
Dwight: No,
we're doing this naked.
- I'd prefer to pay.
- I can go either way.
Dwight: Nope, on principle.
This guy does not get
one more coin from us.
- In fact I have to charge
you two more crowns
for stopping on the bridge
and holding up traffic.
Dwight: Uh.
What traffic?
Troll: Rules are rules.
Dwight: Are you freaking
kidding me?
You are standing there
making up the rules!
- That'll be another crown
for insulting talk back.
Dwight: Oh.
Troll: You know,
I have the right
to refuse service
to snotty little boys.
Dwight: [scoffs]
Troll: I have half a mind
to throw you off this bridge.
Kirk: [growls loudly]
Troll: [screaming]
[thunk]
[bleating]
- Move along.
Baldric: Yes, uh.
Yes, yes.
- Finally, now what.
- Ingest one mouthful
of the straw.
Dwight: Copy that.
Kirk.
Baldric.
Here you go.
Baldric: Thank you.
Dwight: Here Gretta.
Gretta.
Kirk: [small growl]
- Nothing's happening.
Baldric: A kiss with
uh, moronic dopes
will complete the counter spell.
- Moronic dopes?
[bleating]
- We know any?
- Insufferable contrarian.
Undoubtably he means
the three of us.
- That guy is the worst.
Baldric: Time grows short.
- Pucker up, men.
Dwight: Um, I, uh,
I call Nana goat.
She's my grandmother.
So it won't be weird.
- Uh, hm.
I mean, weird compared
to her being a goat.
Baldric: I'll kiss
Her Highness goat.
- That leaves me
with the witch.
- Oh. Hm.
- [kiss]
- [kiss]
- [kiss]
- Ugh.
- Ugh.
- What's the problem?
Baldric: I don't understand it.
Ingest one mouthful
of the straw.
- Wait, who ingests
one mouthful of straw?
- Well if not the goats,
then perhaps...
- Don't say it.
- Oh.
[crunching]
- It's not bad.
- Do we kiss the goats
now or what?
- That should do it.
[kiss, kiss, kiss]
- Ick.
[spits]
[bleating]
- Uh.
It says,
"A kiss with moronic dopes
will complete
the counter spell."
Perhaps we do not qualify.
Dwight: That's validation.
Baldric: We must find
a moronic dope posthaste.
- They're everywhere.
Troll: [groaning]
- There's one now.
Troll: [groan]
What, what happened?
Oh, how, how, how did I,
what's going on?
Baldric: You lost your footing
and had a bad tumble.
Dwight: And took a header
into the ditch.
Baldric: Now eat that straw
and kiss this goat.
Dwight: I know it sounds weird,
but these three goats
are actually people
who went under
a bad lip gloss spell.
- Oh, so you're working
a counter spell.
Baldric: Exactly so.
Now we just require a kiss
from a moronic--
Dwight: Handsome troll.
- A handsome troll, yes.
- Let me see.
[strange laugh]
Ingest the straw.
Mm-hmm.
Dwight: Got it right here.
- [odd sound]
A kiss with romantic hopes
will complete the counter spell.
- Sorry, a kiss with what?
- Romantic hopes.
- How did you see
handsome troll in that?
Uh, so uh,
you fellows have romantic hopes
for these three?
- Uh.
- Uh.
Kirk: Oh, yes.
Dwight: You do?
- Any warm-blooded man
with a heartbeat would.
- Now see here, berserker.
My romantic hopes predate
your romantic hopes
by lifetimes.
Dwight: He just does this
every now and then.
Baldric: And nobody kisses
this goat but me.
[bleating]
- Isn't that the witch?
Baldric: My witch!
You cad!
Kirk: She's all yours.
There is my lady fair.
- Nana?
Kirk: She is a sweet, tender,
gorgeous woman, my lad.
- Stop.
- She puts a fire in me.
- La, la, la, la, la.
Baldric: And I wish both
of you joy.
I hope you'll forgive
that little misunderstanding.
[chuckle]
- You like witches,
that's your business.
Baldric: It falls to you
Sir Dwight
to kiss Princess Gretta
back to human form.
Troll: Only if he has
romantic hopes for the lady.
- Do you?
- Well?
Do you?
- I mean.
Possibly.
Before the goat stuff, maybe I,
there was, I,
well, uh,
maybe just,
like, teensy ones.
Baldric: The fate
of Princess Gretta hangs
on your teensy hopes.
- Zero pressure.
Baldric: [clears throat]
Every man has his goat.
[kiss]
[magical sound]
Dwight: Huh!
- [kiss]
Hexela: Huh!
Baldric: Ha, ha!
[magical sound]
Nana: [squeak]
Hexela: Whoa!
- Where are we?
Nana: Why is Kirk
holding my face?
Dwight: Who knows?
Come stand by me, Kirk.
Hexela: Oh, ugh.
Were we goats just now?
Baldric: You were.
Hexela/Gretta: Ugh.
- What happened?
Dwight: Bad lip gloss.
Hexela: Uh!
Dwight: Turns out can
cause goatness.
- Who's that guy?
Dwight: A troll.
Troll: Who wants to cross
my bridge?
- [growls]
Hexela: Wait.
How did you counteract
the goatness spell?
Oh, well, we, uh.
Sorry, madame.
A magician never
reveals his secrets.
Kirk: Come with me, lady fair.
The shank of Hormel--
Nana: Oh.
Kirk: awaits us at home.
Nana: Okay.
Wow, you're muscly.
Kirk: Mmm.
Baldric: Shall we?
Hexela: I thought
you'd never ask.
Baldric: [chuckle]
- We should, um,
we should go.
Troll: One, two, three, four,
five people.
Baldric: With clothes.
Hexela: [gasp]
- That'll cost ya.
Baldric: [angry sigh]
Kirk.
If you please.
Kirk: [growl]
[loud yell]
Troll: [screaming]
[thud]
[laughing]
Hexela [on screen]:
Is your nose too big?
Are your teeth too small?
- How goes the YouTube?
Dwight: All good.
We actually got
some good stuff
before you all turned
into goats.
[small laugh]
- A most unsettling experience.
Dwight: I'll bet.
You, you.
You don't remember anything
from your goat time?
- [sigh]
Perhaps just one thing.
Dwight: Yeah.
- Tell me truly Sir Dwight.
Dwight: I
Gretta: Did I eat a pizza box?
[laughs]
- Yeah.
Yeah, right out of the trash.
It was, it was pretty,
it was gross.
- Good night.
♪
to get you up to speed.
[whistle]
[loud rumble]
Gretta: Look what
Sir Dwight has done.
Hm?
- Uh.
Gretta: He has conjured
the invisible ghost
of a berserker.
Baldric: Sound this whistle
to call to your side
the ghost who waits
upon the steps.
Dwight: What steps?
- Outside the Hall
of the Fallen.
Dwight: You can't get
into the Hall of the Fallen
with all
of the other berserkers?
- I did something.
- It doesn't matter.
It was a long time ago.
Dwight: From now on,
you're with us, okay?
♪
- Is your nose too big?
Your teeth too small?
Are your ears like
a couple of dinner gongs
stuck to the sides of your head?
Don't despair.
There's nothing
you hate about yourself
that can't be remedied
with a Hexela exclusive
lotion and potion.
[squeak]
[music whirs down]
Dwight: Cut!
Boom in the shot!
Ah.
Baldric, um, in general
the boom should never be
between the camera
and the actor, right?
- Ah.
Let me make a note of that.
Dwight: Great.
Baldric: Camera,
actor between,
never.
Boom.
- Are we almost through?
Nana: Get comfortable, honey.
There are no short days
in production.
Dwight: True facts.
Nana: Dwight
could tell you stories.
He's done three semesters
of film studies.
- Oh.
Dwight: I was Jason
in Mick's horror short
last fall.
Nana: Saturday the 14th.
- Yeah, and I was also
Darcy the lifeguard
in Juliet's romance this spring.
Nana: Poolside and Prejudice.
- [short laugh]
- Oh, Dwight.
What kind of energy
are you looking for from me?
- Just super amazed
and thrilled.
Really sell it.
Nana: Copy that.
Dwight: Uh, Hexela,
you're doing great,
just remember that the key
to being successful on YouTube
is relatability.
- And there's nothing
more relatable
than not wanting to be hideous.
Loud and clear.
Dwight: All right, everyone set?
Hexela: Mmhm.
Dwight: First positions.
[soft thunk]
Baldric: Ready!
Dwight: Baldric, you--
Baldric: Thousand pardons.
[soft thunk]
Baldric: Oh!
Pray, forgive me.
Shan't happen again.
- 'Kay.
[soft thunk]
[clink]
Baldric: [clears throat]
Dwight: Uh, just pick up
where you left off.
And...
action.
- We all know
you can't make a silk purse
out of a sow's ear.
[elegant laugh and snort]
Well, you can.
But wouldn't you rather make
a remedy for sagging jowls?
[gasp]
Oh, and here it is.
Hexela's sow's ear
jowl poultice.
[elegant laugh]
[door opens]
Hexela: [gasp]
Dwight: And cut!
Baldric: [sigh]
Nana: Hey there, Kirk.
Is that a ham?
Kirk: A shank of a Hormel.
Have all you like, lady fair.
Nana: Oh!
Wow, uh, juicy.
Kirk: Mm.
- I'm just gonna...
You got this, honeybear?
Dwight: Yeah.
Kinda in the middle
of something here, Kirk.
- Good!
I need a purpose.
- How 'bout you keep track
of this ham?
Kirk: [small growl]
- Dwight?
- What?
- [sniff]
[growl]
Ah!
Dwight: You wanna hold
the bounce board?
Kirk: [growl]
Dwight: Yeah.
- Bounce board.
- So just spin around.
Face that wall,
and now just don't move
or say a word,
until I say, "Cut."
- [growl]
- Right?
- [growl]
Dwight: [growl]
Kirk: [growl]
Dwight: [growl]
- [growly laugh]
- Awesome.
All right.
- Finally.
[clears throat]
Dwight: And...
action.
- I know
what you're thinking.
So much to do here.
- I beg your pardon.
Hexela: Where to begin?
The lifeless hair.
The dull skin.
The eye color.
Blech.
- What's wrong
with my eye color?
No, we begin with the lips.
Beautiful,
beguiling,
enticing lips
that will make up
for the rest
of this sad, sad shipwreck.
- Uh, uh.
Dwight: Stay with me, Baldric.
- I can't hold on.
- Hexela's lustrous lip gloss.
Take the gloss, take it.
It will transform you...
into a new creature.
- Uh.
Dwight: Nope, nope.
Saved it.
Still rolling, still rolling.
Uh, uh.
Lip gloss on, go,
lip gloss on,
lip gloss on.
- [gasp]
Behold.
[magical sound]
[bleating]
- [gasp]
- Good gravy!
Hexela's a...
[magical sound]
[bleating]
Kirk: Lady fair!
[bleating]
- Ah floof.
[magical sound]
[bleating]
Baldric: Princess!
- Holy cow!
- Holy goat!
Dwight: What!
What the heck?
Kirk: Those are goats!
Dwight: Nana!
Kirk: You thought those
were cows?
Have you ever seen a cow?
[bleating]
- They're goats!
♪
Dwight: Okay, so
about a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta
and she was in big trouble
'cause she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
♪
So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with Gretta's
big, scary enemies,
but that guy never showed up.
Instead,
ahhh,
[kiss]
they got me.
♪
Ahhh!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
[bleating]
Dwight: What happened?
Baldric: Ah.
Here it is.
can include goatness.
- What?
[bleating]
- Oh.
- GOATS!
- No, no, no,
nobody is going berserk!
Kirk: GOATS!
- KEEP IT TOGETHER!
Dwight/Kirk: [yelling]
- If I can reach him
before he leaves for the day.
[phone ringing]
- Who?
- I must see the contrarian.
Dwight: Come on.
Let's go, let's go.
[bleating]
Dwight: Come on.
Baldric: Right this way.
Dwight: Come on, Kirk.
- No goats allowed
in my tavern.
- Oh, these aren't really goats.
[bleat]
Baldric: This is Her Highness,
Princess Gretta the Besieged.
- And this is my Nana,
and this is Hexela.
[bleating]
Dwight: Oh, and this is Kirk.
You can't see him
'cause he's a ghost.
Baldric: We have
an appointment
with the contrarian.
- In the back.
Dwight: So, what's a contrarian?
Baldric: A specialist
in counterspells.
Don't let him ruffle you.
Dwight: Huh?
Baldric: Contrarians can be
rather... trying.
Good day to you, sir!
- I wouldn't say good.
The day has been passable
at best.
Dwight: And you must be
the contrarian.
- I prefer counterarian,
apparently no one cares
what I prefer.
Baldric: This is an emergency.
- If your skin were melting off,
that would be an emergency.
Dwight: We can all agree
on that.
- I don't like him.
He's a turd.
Dwight: Hey, be nice.
Sorry, you can't see him
'cause--
- A verboten curse.
You are forever barred
from the Hall of the Fallen.
Dwight: That's kind of
a sensitive subject.
Contrarian: The curse
may be counteracted
by saving one human life.
Next.
Baldric: Oh, that's me.
I'm next.
I'm the one who made
the appointment with you.
- Not with me,
with my assistant.
- As you say.
[stammering]
We need your help.
- No.
I do not offer help.
I offer
my professional opinion.
- [strained laughter]
Quite right.
We would like
your professional opinion
of these animals.
Contrarian: Not just animals,
let's be specific
and call them goats.
[bleating]
- Goats.
Baldric: [chuckles angrily]
Fine.
Goats they are.
- Ah, there's your mistake.
These are not goats,
these creatures are humans
in goat shape.
A lip gloss spell
can sometimes cause goatness.
Baldric: Yes!
Yes, yes.
Less than half an hour ago.
Contrarian: You have four hours
from the onset of goatness
to permanence of goatness.
- Permanence?
- What, so they'll stay goats?
Contrarian: I didn't say that.
I said, their goatness
will be permanent.
Dwight: So, they'll stay goats.
Contrarian: Follow these
instructions to the letter.
- We shall with haste.
- Not with haste.
With care and precision.
Dwight: Come on.
[bleating]
Dwight: I can't handle that guy.
Kirk: Let's twist his head off.
Dwight: No.
Ew.
But... yeah.
[glug, glug, glug]
- Ahhh.
[bleating]
- No, Hexela, slow down.
Kirk, can I get a hand?
Kirk?
Baldric: Oh.
- Hey!
Hey.
Wow, that looks great.
- It's from Soup and Scoop.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
The marionberry is amazing.
- Ew.
Oh, wow.
Oh, great.
Yeah.
Come on.
Come over here, please.
Goats,
I'm talking to the goats.
[laughing]
Kirk, get your butt over here.
- [small growl]
Dwight: Thank you.
[chuckle]
Thanks, buddy.
[sigh]
What does it say?
Baldric: Walk the goats
across troll bridge
bearing a bushel of stress.
- Stress is measured
in bushels?
Baldric: Ingest one mouthful
of stress.
Dwight: What?
Let me see that.
Whoa, that is ridiculous.
What? Are we supposed
to read this?
Baldric: Contrarians
pride themselves
on their illegible handwriting.
Dwight: Of course they do.
Baldric: Yes.
Dwight: Walk the soaps.
- Goats.
Dwight: I do not see that.
Baldric: Uh, um.
Dwight: Hey!
Excuse me,
you're a doctor, right?
Guy in Scrubs:
I'm a dental hygienist.
- Can you read this?
Guy in Scrubs: Walk the goats
across troll bridge
bearing a bushel of stress.
Baldric: Ha, ha!
Ha! See.
- Oh wait, sorry, straw.
Dwight: Ha! Thank you.
Thanks.
Thank you!
Gretta!
No!
Don't eat the trash,
that's gross.
Baldric: We must find a bushel
of straw without delay.
- I'm on it.
Uh.
Baldric: Yes, yes.
Dwight: That way.
Baldric: Come along.
Leave the pizza, princess.
[bleating]
Kirk: [growling bite]
[growl]
[bleating]
[bleating]
[growling]
Dwight: That's easily
a bushel, right?
Baldric: Yes.
To troll bridge!
Oh.
And quickly!
All right, come along ladies.
No time for grazing.
Let's go.
[bleating]
Dwight: So, what makes this
a troll bridge?
- The troll.
Troll: Heigh-ho there.
Dwight: [loud yelp]
Troll: Who wants
to cross my bridge?
Dwight: Uuuuh.
Baldric: We do.
- Yessirree, good sir,
that'll be one crown.
Baldric: Oh,
that's quite reasonable.
Oh, oh, oh,
did you mean both of you?
Uh, that'll be another crown.
Two people, two crowns,
that's our policy.
Baldric: Fine,
we are pressed for time.
Troll: Oh.
Well, crossing quickly
will cost you a crown more
than crossing slowly.
Dwight: What?
How does that make sense?
Troll: Eh, rules are rules.
- [small growl]
Baldric: Hurry, Sir Dwight.
Come along, ladies.
[bleating]
Troll: You.
You taking those goats across?
No, that'll cost ya.
Baldric: How much?
Troll: Well, three goats,
three crowns.
- Unbelievable.
Baldric: Three more crowns
gains crossing
for ourselves
and the goats, yes?
Troll: Yessirree.
Oh, but did I forget,
you're wearing clothes.
Baldric: Pardon?
Troll: That's
an additional crown.
- For wearing clothes?
Troll: Eh, that's our policy.
Dwight: [stammering
in frustration]
Fine.
[muttering]
- Sir Dwight!
Dwight: No,
we're doing this naked.
- I'd prefer to pay.
- I can go either way.
Dwight: Nope, on principle.
This guy does not get
one more coin from us.
- In fact I have to charge
you two more crowns
for stopping on the bridge
and holding up traffic.
Dwight: Uh.
What traffic?
Troll: Rules are rules.
Dwight: Are you freaking
kidding me?
You are standing there
making up the rules!
- That'll be another crown
for insulting talk back.
Dwight: Oh.
Troll: You know,
I have the right
to refuse service
to snotty little boys.
Dwight: [scoffs]
Troll: I have half a mind
to throw you off this bridge.
Kirk: [growls loudly]
Troll: [screaming]
[thunk]
[bleating]
- Move along.
Baldric: Yes, uh.
Yes, yes.
- Finally, now what.
- Ingest one mouthful
of the straw.
Dwight: Copy that.
Kirk.
Baldric.
Here you go.
Baldric: Thank you.
Dwight: Here Gretta.
Gretta.
Kirk: [small growl]
- Nothing's happening.
Baldric: A kiss with
uh, moronic dopes
will complete the counter spell.
- Moronic dopes?
[bleating]
- We know any?
- Insufferable contrarian.
Undoubtably he means
the three of us.
- That guy is the worst.
Baldric: Time grows short.
- Pucker up, men.
Dwight: Um, I, uh,
I call Nana goat.
She's my grandmother.
So it won't be weird.
- Uh, hm.
I mean, weird compared
to her being a goat.
Baldric: I'll kiss
Her Highness goat.
- That leaves me
with the witch.
- Oh. Hm.
- [kiss]
- [kiss]
- [kiss]
- Ugh.
- Ugh.
- What's the problem?
Baldric: I don't understand it.
Ingest one mouthful
of the straw.
- Wait, who ingests
one mouthful of straw?
- Well if not the goats,
then perhaps...
- Don't say it.
- Oh.
[crunching]
- It's not bad.
- Do we kiss the goats
now or what?
- That should do it.
[kiss, kiss, kiss]
- Ick.
[spits]
[bleating]
- Uh.
It says,
"A kiss with moronic dopes
will complete
the counter spell."
Perhaps we do not qualify.
Dwight: That's validation.
Baldric: We must find
a moronic dope posthaste.
- They're everywhere.
Troll: [groaning]
- There's one now.
Troll: [groan]
What, what happened?
Oh, how, how, how did I,
what's going on?
Baldric: You lost your footing
and had a bad tumble.
Dwight: And took a header
into the ditch.
Baldric: Now eat that straw
and kiss this goat.
Dwight: I know it sounds weird,
but these three goats
are actually people
who went under
a bad lip gloss spell.
- Oh, so you're working
a counter spell.
Baldric: Exactly so.
Now we just require a kiss
from a moronic--
Dwight: Handsome troll.
- A handsome troll, yes.
- Let me see.
[strange laugh]
Ingest the straw.
Mm-hmm.
Dwight: Got it right here.
- [odd sound]
A kiss with romantic hopes
will complete the counter spell.
- Sorry, a kiss with what?
- Romantic hopes.
- How did you see
handsome troll in that?
Uh, so uh,
you fellows have romantic hopes
for these three?
- Uh.
- Uh.
Kirk: Oh, yes.
Dwight: You do?
- Any warm-blooded man
with a heartbeat would.
- Now see here, berserker.
My romantic hopes predate
your romantic hopes
by lifetimes.
Dwight: He just does this
every now and then.
Baldric: And nobody kisses
this goat but me.
[bleating]
- Isn't that the witch?
Baldric: My witch!
You cad!
Kirk: She's all yours.
There is my lady fair.
- Nana?
Kirk: She is a sweet, tender,
gorgeous woman, my lad.
- Stop.
- She puts a fire in me.
- La, la, la, la, la.
Baldric: And I wish both
of you joy.
I hope you'll forgive
that little misunderstanding.
[chuckle]
- You like witches,
that's your business.
Baldric: It falls to you
Sir Dwight
to kiss Princess Gretta
back to human form.
Troll: Only if he has
romantic hopes for the lady.
- Do you?
- Well?
Do you?
- I mean.
Possibly.
Before the goat stuff, maybe I,
there was, I,
well, uh,
maybe just,
like, teensy ones.
Baldric: The fate
of Princess Gretta hangs
on your teensy hopes.
- Zero pressure.
Baldric: [clears throat]
Every man has his goat.
[kiss]
[magical sound]
Dwight: Huh!
- [kiss]
Hexela: Huh!
Baldric: Ha, ha!
[magical sound]
Nana: [squeak]
Hexela: Whoa!
- Where are we?
Nana: Why is Kirk
holding my face?
Dwight: Who knows?
Come stand by me, Kirk.
Hexela: Oh, ugh.
Were we goats just now?
Baldric: You were.
Hexela/Gretta: Ugh.
- What happened?
Dwight: Bad lip gloss.
Hexela: Uh!
Dwight: Turns out can
cause goatness.
- Who's that guy?
Dwight: A troll.
Troll: Who wants to cross
my bridge?
- [growls]
Hexela: Wait.
How did you counteract
the goatness spell?
Oh, well, we, uh.
Sorry, madame.
A magician never
reveals his secrets.
Kirk: Come with me, lady fair.
The shank of Hormel--
Nana: Oh.
Kirk: awaits us at home.
Nana: Okay.
Wow, you're muscly.
Kirk: Mmm.
Baldric: Shall we?
Hexela: I thought
you'd never ask.
Baldric: [chuckle]
- We should, um,
we should go.
Troll: One, two, three, four,
five people.
Baldric: With clothes.
Hexela: [gasp]
- That'll cost ya.
Baldric: [angry sigh]
Kirk.
If you please.
Kirk: [growl]
[loud yell]
Troll: [screaming]
[thud]
[laughing]
Hexela [on screen]:
Is your nose too big?
Are your teeth too small?
- How goes the YouTube?
Dwight: All good.
We actually got
some good stuff
before you all turned
into goats.
[small laugh]
- A most unsettling experience.
Dwight: I'll bet.
You, you.
You don't remember anything
from your goat time?
- [sigh]
Perhaps just one thing.
Dwight: Yeah.
- Tell me truly Sir Dwight.
Dwight: I
Gretta: Did I eat a pizza box?
[laughs]
- Yeah.
Yeah, right out of the trash.
It was, it was pretty,
it was gross.
- Good night.
♪