Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 4, Episode 4 - Kirk the Berserker - full transcript
Baldric/Gretta:
♪ Hey nonny, nonny. ♪
♪ Hey nonny, nonny. ♪
♪ Hey nonny, nonny. ♪
- Woo!
Okay, guys.
It's game day.
Gretta: Glory to the brave.
Baldric: Mm.
Dwight: Are those the banners?
- Indeed they are, Sir Dwight.
- What think you?
- All hail the Woodside
Senior Center dodgeball team.
Gretta: Hm?
- Nice.
And a scourge upon Lakeview
and its senior citizens.
Baldric: [clears throat]
Dwight: Surrender
Lakeview Senior Center
or die like dogs.
- Ha, ha!
- I don't know
what I expected.
Baldric: Our banners will
demoralize the enemy.
- Guys,
the Lakeview Senior Center
is not our enemy.
- You said it is
the most important game
of the season.
- Yes.
Dwight: Well, there is
a long-standing
dodgeball rivalry there.
- Don't be nervous.
- I'm not.
I mean,
I'm, not really, I mean,
just a little bit, maybe,
I'm just, you know,
pre-game jitters,
but win or lose,
we get rootbeer floats.
Gretta: I have just the thing
for you, Sir Dwight.
Hm.
Ah.
Hm.
Baldric: Oh.
Gretta: 'Tis a rabbit's foot.
Dwight: Eh!
Really?
You just had that
in your pocket?
- For good luck.
- Oh.
- Well, luck doesn't win
dodgeball games, Gretta.
Good coaching and
strong fundamentals
wins dodgeball games.
Baldric: We must leave
nothing to chance, Sir Dwight.
I have made a wager of 20 crowns
on the Woodside Senior Center
to win the day.
- You made a bet on
a Senior Center dodgeball game?
- And I do not intend
to lose.
Ahh.
- I finished my banner.
- May the Lakeview
Senior Center dodgeball team
perish in flame.
Hexela: I got 15 crowns
ridin' on Woodside.
Baldric: Not to worry,
we gave Sir Dwight
a rabbit's foot.
Hexela: Oooh.
Baldric: Yes.
Hexela: What else have ya got?
Baldric: Oh, well.
[clatter]
Hexela: Oh.
- [sniffs]
[gags]
- This is cool.
- What is it?
Baldric: I think perhaps,
I won it in a game
of knuckle bones
when I was in school.
Hexela: Oh.
Baldric: I think.
I don't know.
- It looks like.
[snaps fingers]
A twig on a twine.
Dwight: Really, guys?
You don't know what this is?
Baldric: A stick on a string?
Dwight: You mean,
I know something about
a weird old-timey thing
that you guys don't know?
Baldric: Well.
- It's a whistle.
Baldric: Oh.
- The Vikings
used to make them.
I saw it in a documentary
on history channel.
Baldric: I knew that.
- Here, watch.
[phone alert]
Game time.
Let's go.
- You two go ahead.
Hexela and I are going to walk
to the senior center.
Hexela: Backwards,
holding these hen's eggs.
Baldric: Yes.
Gretta: Ooo.
For good luck.
Hm.
- 'Kay.
Hexela: A five, six,
seven, eight.
Baldric: On to victory!
Hexela: [chuckles]
Dwight: All right, Woodside!
Let's warm up!
Nana: Woohoo!
[tapping]
[loud whistle]
[loud rumble]
[loud rumble]
[loud rumble]
[thump]
♪
Dwight: Okay, so
about a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta
and she was in big trouble
because she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with Gretta's
big, scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Instead...
Ahhh!
[kiss]
they got me.
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
Gretta: Sir Dwight!
Sir Dwight!
Sir Dwight!
- Honeybear?
Kirk: Honey...bear.
[small growl]
Dwight: [gasp]
Ah!
Who the heck?
- [growl]
- Stop growling like that!
- That's the reason.
- Uh, uh!
Nana: Dwight, honey, sit up.
- No.
- [growls]
Dwight: No.
Uh.
Nana: Now let me look
at your pupils.
- Listen,
we have on site security.
Nana, get Stanley in here.
- He gets so nervous
about the Lakeview game.
Last year he threw up
into the ball bin.
We had to sanitize all the balls
before we could play.
- Are you a berserker?
- Huh?
- That that you have there
is the sound for retreat.
It called us back
to the ships.
Now it calls me to you.
From the regions of the dead.
- My bad.
You can get back
to those regions,
false alarm.
- Sir Dwight?
To whom are you speaking?
Nana: I'm calling Dr. McLaren.
I think you've got
a concussion.
- Are you for real
saying you can't see this guy?
- [growling]
Dwight: Like seven feet tall,
red beard with a bear
on his head?
Kirk: Are you a berserker?
[growls]
- Guys, I am
in very serious trouble.
[crash]
[cheering]
- Get it together, coach.
Game's on.
Bob: Welcome to
the Senior Center dodgeball
grudge match of the year.
I'm Bob.
Marla: And I'm Marla.
We've been bringing you
senior center dodgeball
for 21 years.
- That's right.
We've been old longer than
some of you have been alive.
Marla: Today
we're streaming to you live
from the senior dodgeball
YouTube channel.
- Be sure to thank
your grandkids
for helping you get
on the Internet
so you could be part
of the big game.
- Well,
we meet again Woodside.
- Hey, Wayne.
Uh, heard you got a new coach.
Wayne: Oh, yeah.
She's from the semi-pros.
- Let's kick
some Woodside butt!
Wayne: Ye-ah hoo!
Gretta: [gasp]
Muster your courage, Sir Dwight.
Hm.
Wayne: Well, if it isn't
Coach Yaki-puuuu.
Don't worry, son.
We brought extra sanitizer.
[mocking laughter]
Dwight: Looking forward
to a [gags] good game.
- Uh, you should be
looking forward
to a good butt-kicking!
[laughing]
Kirk: I don't like them.
[growling]
Let's kick in their faces.
Dwight: What?
- Or we can pull their arms off!
- No!
Nooo!
No, no, he's,
he's messing with you.
You can't play dodgeball
without arms.
- We could use the little one
to bludgeon the others.
Dwight: Would you stop that!
- Stalling?
Let's play some dodgeball!
- [whistle]
Warming up, seniors.
Wayne: Let's go.
Come on.
All right, ready.
One, two, three.
Dwight: We've got a problem,
and his name is...
What's your name?
- Kirk.
Dwight: Kirk.
His name is Kirk.
And he is a big problem.
Thick, hairy, growly,
the kind of problem that
wants to pull people's arms off
and use Wayne
as a bludgeon.
- I believe
you are suffering
from pre-battle hysteria.
- It's this thing.
- The stick on a string?
Dwight: Whistle.
Blow it.
[whistles]
[rumble]
- [gasps]
Oh, sweet heavens!
It's a berserker.
- Berserker?
Kirk the Berserker?
Gretta: Baldric, Hexela!
Baldric: There.
Now,
nothing unfortunate can happen.
Dwight: That's what you think.
Gretta: Look what
Sir Dwight has done.
Hm?
Dwight: Me?
- Uh.
Gretta: He has conjured
the invisible ghost
of a berserker.
Baldric/Hexela: Why?
- Oh, you know,
it's just something
I've always wanted to do.
Conjure the berserker ghost
that no one can see
and I figured why not do it
right before
the big Lakeview game,
that'll be fun.
Baldric: Oh, well sure, yes,
understandable.
Hexela: Oh, well. Very.
- Blow this whistle.
Hexela: [clears throat]
Baldric: All righty.
[whistle]
[rumble]
- Oh.
Gretta: Hm?
Baldric: It is a berserker.
Hexela: Give me that.
[whistles]
[rumble]
Hexela: [gasp]
But how?
The berserkers are long dead.
Gone to a...
what's berserker heaven?
Baldric: The Hall of the Fallen.
Kirk: Not me.
I am verboten.
- What's verboten?
- Forbidden.
Kirk: [sighs]
Monica: [whistle]
There we go!
Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!
Ooo.
Dwight: Okay, Kirk.
How 'bout you stay here
with Gretta.
No kicking in faces.
No pulling off arms
and no using Wayne
as a bludgeon.
[pats]
- Where are you going?
Dwight: To coach this game.
'Cause this is important.
- Ah.
[scattered applause]
Marla: Woodside and Lakeview
are ready to duke it out.
After Woodside's
embarrassing defeat last year,
Coach Dwight is out to prove
that he deserves
that coach's polo.
Bob: And Coach Monica
of Lakeview,
she's here to keep
the Lakeview streak alive.
Marla: It's time for dodgeball.
- [whistle]
Monica: Hustle, hustle.
Come on, quick, quick.
Keep moving.
Player: We got it.
Monica: Oh.
Bob: Woodside comes out strong.
- What the?
Bob: Another one goes down.
Monica: Help them!
- I had that same injury
last week.
Checking the mail.
- Lakeview's offense
seems to be off.
Bob: And so does their defense.
- Oh, suck it up,
this is dodgeball.
Come on guys!
We got this.
Woo!
Bob: They're so good at flopping
they ought to be playing
senior center soccer.
Marla: [laughs]
Good one, Bob.
Bob: I'm just sayin'.
Both: [laughing]
Monica: [whispering]
Do you see my team, ref?
Do you see my team?
Do you see that they are all
injured and on the ground?
Are you gonna make the call?
Ref: Yes.
Monica: Okay.
Ref: [whistle]
According to league rules,
any player who must leave
the court due to injury
may be substituted by a player
who is not
a senior center member.
- What?
- Bring in the subs!
[multiple unzips]
Bob: Whoa!
- This is
a whole new ball game, folks.
These Lakeview subs are--
Bob: Not a day over 40.
Look at the muscles
on that one.
Baldric: Boo!
Gretta: This is villainy!
Kirk: [growling]
- What is the matter
with you?
- He's a berserker, Sir Dwight.
- He's going berserk.
- It's what berserkers do.
- Nobody is going berserk!
Not on my court, pal!
Monica: Boy, you weren't kidding
about this kid.
- [yells]
Wayne: Total basketcase.
- [growls]
Kirk: [growls]
Dwight: Woop!
Lakeview Team: [cheers]
Dwight: Okay, Team.
We got this!
[claps]
Hey, they look big and scary
but they got nothing on skill.
Nana: Okay.
- [whistle]
Monica: Yes, yes, yes!
Dwight: Go, go, go.
[smack]
Bob: Ooo.
[smack]
[smack]
[smack]
Woman: Hiyah.
[smack]
Baldric: Oh.
[smack]
Bob/Marla: Euh.
Hexela: Boo!
- First set, Lakeview.
[cheering]
Bob: Lakeview wins
the first set in an ambush.
I haven't seen anything like
that since the OK corral.
Marla: Oh, Bob.
Bob: What?
Too soon?
- Lying, cheating bilge rats!
Gretta: Shame and disgrace
and dishonor upon Lakeview!
- Guys!
Come on!
Take it down a few notches.
- Please, Sir Dwight.
Let me turn them into parsnips.
Baldric: You would be doing
the world a service.
- I second
the berserkers idea
that we pull their arms off.
Baldric: Because you can't
play dodgeball without arms.
Ah?
- Absolutely not.
Baldric: Oh.
- It is up to us to be
the better human beings.
Baldric: Bah.
- Where's Kirk?
Ahhh.
Hey, knock it off,
what do you think
you're doing?
- Is there a problem, coach?
- No-o.
No.
No.
No!
No.
No.
Kirk: [spitting]
Dwight: Noo.
Ew.
No!
Hexela: Oo.
- [whistle]
- Have fun out there!
That's the most important thing.
- Dodgeball!
- Oh.
Lakeview Team: Hiyah!
[repeated smacks]
Ref: [whistle]
Foul on Lakeview.
Illegal hits.
- [yells]
- Come on. Come on.
- Wha?
Kirk: Ha.
- Whoa.
What was that?
Nana: You wanna tell me
what the dickens?
- Blow this whistle.
Nana: [whistles]
[rumble]
Kirk: [growls]
Nana: What am I looking at?
- A berserker gone berserk.
Kirk: Ha!
[crash]
Kirk: Ha!
Bob: The Lakeview players
are down like bowling pins.
- Uh.
Out of bounds Lakeview,
second set, Woodside.
- Ha, ha!
[cheering and applause]
Marla: It's tied up.
One to one.
The next set wins it.
Bob: It's getting good.
[laughs]
- That's it.
I said, no berserking!
Are you trying to kill someone,
you maniac?
I'm the coach,
and you are banned
from this dodgeball team.
[all gasp]
- [sighs]
Marla: We may be witnessing
a total emotional collapse
from Coach Dwight.
Bob: Poor kid, you remember
last year with the ball bin?
- [whistle]
Take five, seniors.
Dwight: Kirk.
Kirk.
Hey, Kirk.
I- I'm sorry.
- Ah. Sir Dwight.
Look at this tiny writing.
Sound this whistle to call
to your side,
the ghost who waits
upon the steps.
Dwight: What steps?
- Outside the Hall
of the Fallen.
Baldric: Berserker heaven.
- Where all
my berserker brothers have gone.
Dwight: So, you're
the ghost of a berserker,
but you can't get
into the Hall of the Fallen
with all the other berserkers?
Why not?
- I did something.
- It doesn't matter.
It was a long time ago.
Kirk: 1200 years.
- You've been waiting
outside on the stairs
for 1200 years?
Come on, Kirk.
From now on,
you're with us, okay?
- [sniff]
Dwight: Okay,
here you go, Janice.
Here, here you go.
Monica: It's been more
than five minutes,
so if they're not going to play,
then they forfeit.
- Death first!
Hm, ha.
Dwight: No.
- I don't know, Dwight.
We're pretty beat up.
Dwight: We bring in the subs.
[rock 'n' roll music]
- Have you got a sixth player?
- Kirk!
- Ha.
Dwight: Come on, buddie!
- Only the big, invisible guy.
- Five it is.
Nana: Okay.
Ref: [whistle]
Dodgeball.
- [growls]
You are safe, my lady fair.
Nana: Thanks, Kirk!
Kirk: [growls]
[growls]
Hexela: [shrieks]
- There we go!
Hexela: [giggles]
Woman: [grunts]
[hissing]
Bob: These dadburn trifocals.
- [whistles]
Dodgeball!
Kirk: [yelling]
[growls]
Ref: [whistles]
Best of three, Woodside.
[cheering]
- [yelling]
Monica: No!
Do over!
Marla/Bob: Yes!
Bob: All right!
- There's no prize money,
there's no trophy,
but Woodside gets to walk away
with a year of bragging rights.
Bob: And you don't want to be
on the wrong side of that one.
[cheering]
Dwight: This is
a rootbeer float.
It's a gamechanger.
Baldric: Look at this in
my encyclopedia of curses.
- What have we here?
- Roots afloat in beer.
- Nope.
Baldric: Listen,
a verboten curse may be broken
in only one way.
The accursed must save
a human life.
[slurping]
Dwight: Kirk! Kirk!
Great news!
Like the best news
you've heard in 1200 years!
There's a way to break
a verboten curse!
All you have to do is
save a human life.
I mean,
that sounds doable, right?
You could be a fireman,
or a paramedic.
- [sigh] No.
- How about a lifeguard?
- Even if I did break the curse,
I wouldn't enter
the Hall of the Fallen.
I can't face my brothers.
Dwight: Listen,
whatever happened,
I'm sure they're over it.
1200 years is a long time.
Kirk: Some things
cannot be forgiven.
[sigh]
Dwight: You can tell me.
I'll listen.
- I went to battle
with my berserker brothers,
the battle went awry.
They sounded the retreat,
and called us back
to the ships.
I knew I could make it.
That I would live,
and then I saw one
of my brothers,
wounded,
and calling for help,
and I didn't go back.
I left him!
I ran for the ship.
That day,
he earned his place
in the Hall of the Fallen.
And I earned my place forever
outside of it.
[sighs] I'll stay here.
If that's all right with you.
Dwight: You can stay here
as long as you want.
[pats]
Come on,
let's get a rootbeer float.
Come on, they're good.
[laughs]
♪
♪ Hey nonny, nonny. ♪
♪ Hey nonny, nonny. ♪
♪ Hey nonny, nonny. ♪
- Woo!
Okay, guys.
It's game day.
Gretta: Glory to the brave.
Baldric: Mm.
Dwight: Are those the banners?
- Indeed they are, Sir Dwight.
- What think you?
- All hail the Woodside
Senior Center dodgeball team.
Gretta: Hm?
- Nice.
And a scourge upon Lakeview
and its senior citizens.
Baldric: [clears throat]
Dwight: Surrender
Lakeview Senior Center
or die like dogs.
- Ha, ha!
- I don't know
what I expected.
Baldric: Our banners will
demoralize the enemy.
- Guys,
the Lakeview Senior Center
is not our enemy.
- You said it is
the most important game
of the season.
- Yes.
Dwight: Well, there is
a long-standing
dodgeball rivalry there.
- Don't be nervous.
- I'm not.
I mean,
I'm, not really, I mean,
just a little bit, maybe,
I'm just, you know,
pre-game jitters,
but win or lose,
we get rootbeer floats.
Gretta: I have just the thing
for you, Sir Dwight.
Hm.
Ah.
Hm.
Baldric: Oh.
Gretta: 'Tis a rabbit's foot.
Dwight: Eh!
Really?
You just had that
in your pocket?
- For good luck.
- Oh.
- Well, luck doesn't win
dodgeball games, Gretta.
Good coaching and
strong fundamentals
wins dodgeball games.
Baldric: We must leave
nothing to chance, Sir Dwight.
I have made a wager of 20 crowns
on the Woodside Senior Center
to win the day.
- You made a bet on
a Senior Center dodgeball game?
- And I do not intend
to lose.
Ahh.
- I finished my banner.
- May the Lakeview
Senior Center dodgeball team
perish in flame.
Hexela: I got 15 crowns
ridin' on Woodside.
Baldric: Not to worry,
we gave Sir Dwight
a rabbit's foot.
Hexela: Oooh.
Baldric: Yes.
Hexela: What else have ya got?
Baldric: Oh, well.
[clatter]
Hexela: Oh.
- [sniffs]
[gags]
- This is cool.
- What is it?
Baldric: I think perhaps,
I won it in a game
of knuckle bones
when I was in school.
Hexela: Oh.
Baldric: I think.
I don't know.
- It looks like.
[snaps fingers]
A twig on a twine.
Dwight: Really, guys?
You don't know what this is?
Baldric: A stick on a string?
Dwight: You mean,
I know something about
a weird old-timey thing
that you guys don't know?
Baldric: Well.
- It's a whistle.
Baldric: Oh.
- The Vikings
used to make them.
I saw it in a documentary
on history channel.
Baldric: I knew that.
- Here, watch.
[phone alert]
Game time.
Let's go.
- You two go ahead.
Hexela and I are going to walk
to the senior center.
Hexela: Backwards,
holding these hen's eggs.
Baldric: Yes.
Gretta: Ooo.
For good luck.
Hm.
- 'Kay.
Hexela: A five, six,
seven, eight.
Baldric: On to victory!
Hexela: [chuckles]
Dwight: All right, Woodside!
Let's warm up!
Nana: Woohoo!
[tapping]
[loud whistle]
[loud rumble]
[loud rumble]
[loud rumble]
[thump]
♪
Dwight: Okay, so
about a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta
and she was in big trouble
because she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with Gretta's
big, scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Instead...
Ahhh!
[kiss]
they got me.
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
Gretta: Sir Dwight!
Sir Dwight!
Sir Dwight!
- Honeybear?
Kirk: Honey...bear.
[small growl]
Dwight: [gasp]
Ah!
Who the heck?
- [growl]
- Stop growling like that!
- That's the reason.
- Uh, uh!
Nana: Dwight, honey, sit up.
- No.
- [growls]
Dwight: No.
Uh.
Nana: Now let me look
at your pupils.
- Listen,
we have on site security.
Nana, get Stanley in here.
- He gets so nervous
about the Lakeview game.
Last year he threw up
into the ball bin.
We had to sanitize all the balls
before we could play.
- Are you a berserker?
- Huh?
- That that you have there
is the sound for retreat.
It called us back
to the ships.
Now it calls me to you.
From the regions of the dead.
- My bad.
You can get back
to those regions,
false alarm.
- Sir Dwight?
To whom are you speaking?
Nana: I'm calling Dr. McLaren.
I think you've got
a concussion.
- Are you for real
saying you can't see this guy?
- [growling]
Dwight: Like seven feet tall,
red beard with a bear
on his head?
Kirk: Are you a berserker?
[growls]
- Guys, I am
in very serious trouble.
[crash]
[cheering]
- Get it together, coach.
Game's on.
Bob: Welcome to
the Senior Center dodgeball
grudge match of the year.
I'm Bob.
Marla: And I'm Marla.
We've been bringing you
senior center dodgeball
for 21 years.
- That's right.
We've been old longer than
some of you have been alive.
Marla: Today
we're streaming to you live
from the senior dodgeball
YouTube channel.
- Be sure to thank
your grandkids
for helping you get
on the Internet
so you could be part
of the big game.
- Well,
we meet again Woodside.
- Hey, Wayne.
Uh, heard you got a new coach.
Wayne: Oh, yeah.
She's from the semi-pros.
- Let's kick
some Woodside butt!
Wayne: Ye-ah hoo!
Gretta: [gasp]
Muster your courage, Sir Dwight.
Hm.
Wayne: Well, if it isn't
Coach Yaki-puuuu.
Don't worry, son.
We brought extra sanitizer.
[mocking laughter]
Dwight: Looking forward
to a [gags] good game.
- Uh, you should be
looking forward
to a good butt-kicking!
[laughing]
Kirk: I don't like them.
[growling]
Let's kick in their faces.
Dwight: What?
- Or we can pull their arms off!
- No!
Nooo!
No, no, he's,
he's messing with you.
You can't play dodgeball
without arms.
- We could use the little one
to bludgeon the others.
Dwight: Would you stop that!
- Stalling?
Let's play some dodgeball!
- [whistle]
Warming up, seniors.
Wayne: Let's go.
Come on.
All right, ready.
One, two, three.
Dwight: We've got a problem,
and his name is...
What's your name?
- Kirk.
Dwight: Kirk.
His name is Kirk.
And he is a big problem.
Thick, hairy, growly,
the kind of problem that
wants to pull people's arms off
and use Wayne
as a bludgeon.
- I believe
you are suffering
from pre-battle hysteria.
- It's this thing.
- The stick on a string?
Dwight: Whistle.
Blow it.
[whistles]
[rumble]
- [gasps]
Oh, sweet heavens!
It's a berserker.
- Berserker?
Kirk the Berserker?
Gretta: Baldric, Hexela!
Baldric: There.
Now,
nothing unfortunate can happen.
Dwight: That's what you think.
Gretta: Look what
Sir Dwight has done.
Hm?
Dwight: Me?
- Uh.
Gretta: He has conjured
the invisible ghost
of a berserker.
Baldric/Hexela: Why?
- Oh, you know,
it's just something
I've always wanted to do.
Conjure the berserker ghost
that no one can see
and I figured why not do it
right before
the big Lakeview game,
that'll be fun.
Baldric: Oh, well sure, yes,
understandable.
Hexela: Oh, well. Very.
- Blow this whistle.
Hexela: [clears throat]
Baldric: All righty.
[whistle]
[rumble]
- Oh.
Gretta: Hm?
Baldric: It is a berserker.
Hexela: Give me that.
[whistles]
[rumble]
Hexela: [gasp]
But how?
The berserkers are long dead.
Gone to a...
what's berserker heaven?
Baldric: The Hall of the Fallen.
Kirk: Not me.
I am verboten.
- What's verboten?
- Forbidden.
Kirk: [sighs]
Monica: [whistle]
There we go!
Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!
Ooo.
Dwight: Okay, Kirk.
How 'bout you stay here
with Gretta.
No kicking in faces.
No pulling off arms
and no using Wayne
as a bludgeon.
[pats]
- Where are you going?
Dwight: To coach this game.
'Cause this is important.
- Ah.
[scattered applause]
Marla: Woodside and Lakeview
are ready to duke it out.
After Woodside's
embarrassing defeat last year,
Coach Dwight is out to prove
that he deserves
that coach's polo.
Bob: And Coach Monica
of Lakeview,
she's here to keep
the Lakeview streak alive.
Marla: It's time for dodgeball.
- [whistle]
Monica: Hustle, hustle.
Come on, quick, quick.
Keep moving.
Player: We got it.
Monica: Oh.
Bob: Woodside comes out strong.
- What the?
Bob: Another one goes down.
Monica: Help them!
- I had that same injury
last week.
Checking the mail.
- Lakeview's offense
seems to be off.
Bob: And so does their defense.
- Oh, suck it up,
this is dodgeball.
Come on guys!
We got this.
Woo!
Bob: They're so good at flopping
they ought to be playing
senior center soccer.
Marla: [laughs]
Good one, Bob.
Bob: I'm just sayin'.
Both: [laughing]
Monica: [whispering]
Do you see my team, ref?
Do you see my team?
Do you see that they are all
injured and on the ground?
Are you gonna make the call?
Ref: Yes.
Monica: Okay.
Ref: [whistle]
According to league rules,
any player who must leave
the court due to injury
may be substituted by a player
who is not
a senior center member.
- What?
- Bring in the subs!
[multiple unzips]
Bob: Whoa!
- This is
a whole new ball game, folks.
These Lakeview subs are--
Bob: Not a day over 40.
Look at the muscles
on that one.
Baldric: Boo!
Gretta: This is villainy!
Kirk: [growling]
- What is the matter
with you?
- He's a berserker, Sir Dwight.
- He's going berserk.
- It's what berserkers do.
- Nobody is going berserk!
Not on my court, pal!
Monica: Boy, you weren't kidding
about this kid.
- [yells]
Wayne: Total basketcase.
- [growls]
Kirk: [growls]
Dwight: Woop!
Lakeview Team: [cheers]
Dwight: Okay, Team.
We got this!
[claps]
Hey, they look big and scary
but they got nothing on skill.
Nana: Okay.
- [whistle]
Monica: Yes, yes, yes!
Dwight: Go, go, go.
[smack]
Bob: Ooo.
[smack]
[smack]
[smack]
Woman: Hiyah.
[smack]
Baldric: Oh.
[smack]
Bob/Marla: Euh.
Hexela: Boo!
- First set, Lakeview.
[cheering]
Bob: Lakeview wins
the first set in an ambush.
I haven't seen anything like
that since the OK corral.
Marla: Oh, Bob.
Bob: What?
Too soon?
- Lying, cheating bilge rats!
Gretta: Shame and disgrace
and dishonor upon Lakeview!
- Guys!
Come on!
Take it down a few notches.
- Please, Sir Dwight.
Let me turn them into parsnips.
Baldric: You would be doing
the world a service.
- I second
the berserkers idea
that we pull their arms off.
Baldric: Because you can't
play dodgeball without arms.
Ah?
- Absolutely not.
Baldric: Oh.
- It is up to us to be
the better human beings.
Baldric: Bah.
- Where's Kirk?
Ahhh.
Hey, knock it off,
what do you think
you're doing?
- Is there a problem, coach?
- No-o.
No.
No.
No!
No.
No.
Kirk: [spitting]
Dwight: Noo.
Ew.
No!
Hexela: Oo.
- [whistle]
- Have fun out there!
That's the most important thing.
- Dodgeball!
- Oh.
Lakeview Team: Hiyah!
[repeated smacks]
Ref: [whistle]
Foul on Lakeview.
Illegal hits.
- [yells]
- Come on. Come on.
- Wha?
Kirk: Ha.
- Whoa.
What was that?
Nana: You wanna tell me
what the dickens?
- Blow this whistle.
Nana: [whistles]
[rumble]
Kirk: [growls]
Nana: What am I looking at?
- A berserker gone berserk.
Kirk: Ha!
[crash]
Kirk: Ha!
Bob: The Lakeview players
are down like bowling pins.
- Uh.
Out of bounds Lakeview,
second set, Woodside.
- Ha, ha!
[cheering and applause]
Marla: It's tied up.
One to one.
The next set wins it.
Bob: It's getting good.
[laughs]
- That's it.
I said, no berserking!
Are you trying to kill someone,
you maniac?
I'm the coach,
and you are banned
from this dodgeball team.
[all gasp]
- [sighs]
Marla: We may be witnessing
a total emotional collapse
from Coach Dwight.
Bob: Poor kid, you remember
last year with the ball bin?
- [whistle]
Take five, seniors.
Dwight: Kirk.
Kirk.
Hey, Kirk.
I- I'm sorry.
- Ah. Sir Dwight.
Look at this tiny writing.
Sound this whistle to call
to your side,
the ghost who waits
upon the steps.
Dwight: What steps?
- Outside the Hall
of the Fallen.
Baldric: Berserker heaven.
- Where all
my berserker brothers have gone.
Dwight: So, you're
the ghost of a berserker,
but you can't get
into the Hall of the Fallen
with all the other berserkers?
Why not?
- I did something.
- It doesn't matter.
It was a long time ago.
Kirk: 1200 years.
- You've been waiting
outside on the stairs
for 1200 years?
Come on, Kirk.
From now on,
you're with us, okay?
- [sniff]
Dwight: Okay,
here you go, Janice.
Here, here you go.
Monica: It's been more
than five minutes,
so if they're not going to play,
then they forfeit.
- Death first!
Hm, ha.
Dwight: No.
- I don't know, Dwight.
We're pretty beat up.
Dwight: We bring in the subs.
[rock 'n' roll music]
- Have you got a sixth player?
- Kirk!
- Ha.
Dwight: Come on, buddie!
- Only the big, invisible guy.
- Five it is.
Nana: Okay.
Ref: [whistle]
Dodgeball.
- [growls]
You are safe, my lady fair.
Nana: Thanks, Kirk!
Kirk: [growls]
[growls]
Hexela: [shrieks]
- There we go!
Hexela: [giggles]
Woman: [grunts]
[hissing]
Bob: These dadburn trifocals.
- [whistles]
Dodgeball!
Kirk: [yelling]
[growls]
Ref: [whistles]
Best of three, Woodside.
[cheering]
- [yelling]
Monica: No!
Do over!
Marla/Bob: Yes!
Bob: All right!
- There's no prize money,
there's no trophy,
but Woodside gets to walk away
with a year of bragging rights.
Bob: And you don't want to be
on the wrong side of that one.
[cheering]
Dwight: This is
a rootbeer float.
It's a gamechanger.
Baldric: Look at this in
my encyclopedia of curses.
- What have we here?
- Roots afloat in beer.
- Nope.
Baldric: Listen,
a verboten curse may be broken
in only one way.
The accursed must save
a human life.
[slurping]
Dwight: Kirk! Kirk!
Great news!
Like the best news
you've heard in 1200 years!
There's a way to break
a verboten curse!
All you have to do is
save a human life.
I mean,
that sounds doable, right?
You could be a fireman,
or a paramedic.
- [sigh] No.
- How about a lifeguard?
- Even if I did break the curse,
I wouldn't enter
the Hall of the Fallen.
I can't face my brothers.
Dwight: Listen,
whatever happened,
I'm sure they're over it.
1200 years is a long time.
Kirk: Some things
cannot be forgiven.
[sigh]
Dwight: You can tell me.
I'll listen.
- I went to battle
with my berserker brothers,
the battle went awry.
They sounded the retreat,
and called us back
to the ships.
I knew I could make it.
That I would live,
and then I saw one
of my brothers,
wounded,
and calling for help,
and I didn't go back.
I left him!
I ran for the ship.
That day,
he earned his place
in the Hall of the Fallen.
And I earned my place forever
outside of it.
[sighs] I'll stay here.
If that's all right with you.
Dwight: You can stay here
as long as you want.
[pats]
Come on,
let's get a rootbeer float.
Come on, they're good.
[laughs]
♪