Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 4, Episode 2 - Guy Club - full transcript
The Guy Club guys come back through a portal in Gretta's fridge with some new members from the cosmos, but the fate of the world hangs on sending one of the new guys back home. Gretta and Baldric attend a parent teacher conference.
Dwight: 'Kay guys,
this ought to get you
up to speed.
- The honor
has fallen upon me
to host this month's
Guy Club assembly.
[knock, knock, knock]
- Am I late?
- Exactly punctual, brother.
Do come in.
[knocking]
Gretta: Uncle Arnolf.
- I have no need of you.
[magical poof]
[magical whoosh]
Dwight: Wha-What?
Where did they go?
- On a journey
through the cosmos.
[magical poof]
- Doughnut anyone?
- Keep these handy.
You never know when
you'll desperately want one.
I must be off.
- Off?
♪
Gretta: [lightly snoring]
- Hey,
where's Ms. Hernandez?
Mr. Hammond: Good morning,
history buffs.
I'm Mr. Hammond
and I'm your new teacher
for this world history class.
Ms. Hernandez has gone
to New York
to chase her dream of becoming
a puppeteer for The Muppets.
[silence]
Class: [soft chuckles]
Which...
I maybe wasn't supposed
to tell you, so...
that stays between you, me,
and these four walls.
[soft clap]
- Yeah.
Gretta: [lightly snoring]
- Let's get right into it.
History.
What do we mean by that?
We talk about history.
Uhh, Gretta Besieged?
Gretta: [startled snore]
- Good morning, Gretta.
Gretta: [clears throat]
- Can you tell us
what you think history means?
Gretta: Certainly.
Uh.
A record kept by scribes
of a bygone time
detailing acts of valor
or villainy.
Mr. Hammond: Uh,
history definition, take it.
- Events that have
happened in the past.
Mr. Hammond: Okay.
You're not wrong.
But what about all that stuff
that happened in the past
that nobody remembers?
Those forgotten things,
which is almost everything
actually.
Are they still history?
I would encourage you
to doubt history.
Mistrust it.
Consider it the dirty,
rotten liar that it is.
'Cause history isn't a record
of all the things
that've happened.
It's a story of what
we've chosen to remember.
♪
Dwight: Okay, so about
a thousand years ago
there was this princess, Gretta,
and she was in big trouble
'cause she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss,
and deal with Gretta's big,
scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Instead...
Ahhhh!
[kiss]
...they got me.
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
[school bell ringing]
Mr. Hammond: Hey there Gretta.
Um, do either of your parents
have any flexibility
in their schedule?
- I shouldn't think so.
The one is dead
and the other is an oak tree.
- But her guardian
is pretty much available
pretty much all the time.
- Well, um.
Please give this
to your uh, guardian,
and um, let me know
if tonight would work.
Gretta: Tonight?
Dwight: Here it comes.
Look, you miss school,
you blow off homework,
and you sleep through class.
This is what you get.
Gretta/Baldric:
Parent teacher conference.
Baldric: A summons of some sort.
- Oh, he just wants
to talk to you
about how you're doin'
in history.
- Oh.
Well why didn't he
just say that then.
- He seeks an audience
tonight at six of the clock.
- Which is actually
pretty cool of him.
Teachers don't get overtime.
Gretta/Baldric: Hm.
Gretta: Ooo.
We must be off.
- Will there be food
at this conference
of barren teachers?
Dwight: Uh, not barren teachers.
Gretta: No, Chlodwig,
you are not invited.
This is for Baldric and myself
to chronicle our noble deeds
for posterity.
- Wait what?
Baldric: We have much to tell,
Highness.
Gretta: Don't expect us back
before dawn.
Baldric: [chuckling]
Ha!
- I should probably
give Mr. Hammond a heads-up.
[refrigerator rattling]
- Did that come from...?
[refrigerator rattling]
- What are you guys putting
in your fridge?
- Only food stuffs
and Baldric's nightgown.
- His what?
Why is Baldric's nightgown
in the fridge?
[refrigerator rattling]
- It wants out.
- What does?
- Baldric's nightgown.
- Oh come on.
No, there has to be
a logical explanation for--
[powerful whoosh]
[air hissing]
Dronelover 99:
And we're back!
All: [congratulating each other]
Dwight: It's the Guy Club guys.
Chlodwig: Back from the cosmos.
How was your journey, brothers?
Dronelover 99:
Kinda all over the place.
Dwight: How did you get back?
- Doughnuts.
- Huh?
[refrigerator rattling]
[magical whoosh]
- [disgustedly] Ughhh.
- Whoa.
Who's that?
Chlodwig: A dead man in a chair.
- His name's Phil.
Dwight: Phil?
Phil?
Phil: [disembodied] That's me.
I'm just happy to be here.
Thug: Phil.
That's Phil.
Dwight: [confused mumbling]
- Welcome to Guy Club,
ancient Phil.
- Hi.
Dronelover 99:
Not the guy in the wheelchair,
the guy in the jar.
- Pardon?
Phil: Right here.
See the old guy?
See his hands?
See the jar in his hands?
See the good-looking gas
in the jar?
Dronelover 99: That's Phil.
He's a telepathic gas
we picked up
in a realm called Feeech.
Dwight: Hm.
- [startled yell]
I have a plan.
Thug: [clears throat]
No you don't Chlodwig.
Dronelover 99:
The plan is Chick-Fil-A, dude.
Barkeep: Chicken strips!
Thug: Yeah.
- Chlodwig?
- Impossible.
♪
Chlodwig/Old Chlodwig:
Balderdash!
Enough of this.
How dare you, sir.
- Holy cow.
Chlodwig, is that really you?
Old Chlodwig: Never doubt me.
Chlodwig: Look at me.
I'm so old.
Phil: Mm, 108.
- Eh?
Speak up, you poop-noddy.
Phil: We picked him up
on a visit to the future realm.
He wanted to come back
to give a message
to a princess and a magician.
Dwight: You mean Gretta
and Baldric?
- Where are they?
Dwight: At a parent teacher
conference
with Mr. Hammond.
- Ohhh.
I must tell them...
[snoring]
Dwight: So this is pretty much
Woodside.
Nice town,
great place to grow up.
Phil: So, what should I do
while I'm here?
Dwight: Well, really depends
on what you're into.
Uh, we have a lot
of great hiking trails.
There's a waterfall
not too far from here.
Chlodwig: Potato chips.
Phil: I'm game for everything.
But time is a limiting factor.
I don't wanna overstay
my welcome.
Dwight: Nah, Phil,
we love having you here.
Phil: Well you say that now
but you'll be singin'
a different tune
when I destroy
all carbon-based life
on this planet.
- Pardon?
Phil: It'll be like
a high-pitched
screamy kind of tune.
- Why would you
wanna do that?
Phil: Oh, I wouldn't.
But given the highly unusual
atmosphere you guys have here,
my containment in this jar
is really unstable.
- When you say unstable...
Phil: Well, this is what we
in Guy Club
call a mayonnaise jar.
It wasn't really designed
to contain something like me,
especially not in a place
like this.
And when I finally
break through?
So we should probably just hit
the Woodside highlights
and get me back to Feeech.
Chlodwig: You have seen all.
Dwight: Check mark on Woodside.
Let's get you home.
How do we do that?
Like right now?
Phil: We need a Doughnut.
- A doughnut?
Phil: From the box Arnolf
gave to Chlodwig in the cosmos.
Not you Chlodwig, the old one.
He keeps them
under his wheelie chair seat.
Chlodwig: Where has he gone?
Dwight: Nobody panic.
Chlodwig: [screams]
Dwight: [short shriek]
I said nobody panic!
We have to find
old Chlodwig now.
Chlodwig: Sir Dwight.
You are speaking
about a master of stealth,
speed, and agility.
How ever are we to find
such a man?
- Well, we'll just have to
find our own master of stealth,
speed, and agility.
Someone who thinks
like Chlodwig.
Someone who plans
like Chlodwig.
- Mm-hm.
- Because he is Chlodwig.
- I have it!
Who better to find myself
than myself?
- Okay.
Let's show some hustle
before Phil cracks his jar
and destroys the world.
Phil: Go-o-o guy club!
Old Chlodwig: [panting]
Woman: Sir?
Are you okay?
- Where is
the barren teacher conference?
- The what?
- The barren teacher conference.
They've gone to meet
with Mr. Hammond.
- You mean
the parent teacher conference?
Old Chlodwig: Yeah, that's it.
Where is it?
I must warn them.
Woman: Uh, the school?
Maybe Woodside Elementary?
Woodside Middle?
Woodside High?
- That's the one!
Uhh.
Which way?
Woman: It's about three
or four miles that way.
Sir, do you need a ride?
Old Chlodwig: Oh.
I got a ride.
[grunt]
Weeee!
♪
Dwight: Okay, Chlodwig.
You're 108 years old,
where would you go?
Chlodwig: Difficult to say.
I'm an inscrutable,
unpredictable mystery,
Sir Dwight.
Even to myself.
Phil: He has a message
for the princess
and the magician.
Dwight: Gretta and Baldric.
Phil: Where are they?
Dwight: At the parent teacher
conference.
Chlodwig: After me!
Dwight: How you feelin' Phil?
How's that jar?
Phil: Don't worry about it.
Everything's going to be fine.
Until the instant
when it suddenly isn't.
Dwight: [nervous groan]
Mr. Hammond: So, Gretta.
Tell me a little about
your goals in world history.
- Well, they are
the simple goals
of any monarch.
To be remembered as a just,
wise, and benevolent ruler.
Baldric: Her people adore her
and her enemies cower in fear
before her.
Write that down.
Mm.
♪
- [grunting]
Ahhhh!
[crash]
[panting]
[spits]
[grunting]
Runner: Hey there.
Where you headed, buddy?
- To the conference
of parent leeches
at Woodside High.
- All right, well,
I'm headed that way.
You want a push?
Yeah?
All right.
- Faster!
- Faster!
- You wanna do the pedaling?
Phil: Uh-oh.
Chlodwig: What's amiss?
Dwight: Phil said uh-oh.
What uh-oh?
Phil: Oh, never mind.
- Never mind?
Phil: I don't want you guys
to worry.
- We are already worried, Phil.
That mayonnaise jar
is the only thing
keeping you from destroying
all carbon-based life
on this planet.
Phil: Well yeah.
[light cracking]
And it's cracking.
I don't do well in tight spaces.
I need my wiggle room.
- We've gotta get you
out of there.
Phil: In the next six
or seven minutes
would be ideal.
- Oh geez.
- I have a plan!
Dwight: Not now Chlodwig.
We have to get Phil out
of that mayonnaise jar
and into something
with wiggle room.
- I have it.
Dwight: Chlodwig,
the world is gonna end
in five to six minutes
if we don't think of something.
Children: [squealing]
Dwight: Oh, that could work.
Runner: Okay man.
So, Woodside High is just
a block that way.
Sorry, but I got a brisket
in the crock pot.
Chlodwig: Ohhh,
I know that feeling.
Runner: All right, so you sure
you got it from here?
- Most certainly.
I'm quite capable.
Runner: All right, well you have
a good one brother.
Old Chlodwig: [panting]
[grunting]
Oh floof.
Ahhhhh!
Dwight: Okay.
Justin: Okay Phil.
Nozzle valve's in place.
Phil: Great!
Thanks Justin!
Chlodwig, you found a hammer?
Chlodwig: Yes.
Phil: Now ever so gently,
suuuper gently,
just as extra incredibly gently
as you can,
hammer the nozzle valve
through the lid
of the mayonnaise jar
while being veeery gentle.
Dwight: This is it guys.
Phil: Did you get
the gentle part?
Dwight: Chlodwig?
No matter what happens,
you're always gonna be
my brother.
Oh and Justin,
it's been an honor knowing you
these past five or six minutes.
- Let's save the world, men.
You ready, Phil?
Phil: Ready!
Gently.
Gennntly.
[pop!]
Dwight/Justin/Chlodwig: [shriek]
Phil: That girl is adorable,
but I'm about to destroy
the world.
[tap, tap]
Phil: Gently!
[tap]
Justin: [frightened groan]
We have pressure!
Dwight: Okay.
Moving balloon into position.
Justin: Commencing
gas transference.
See you on the other side Phil.
[air hissing]
Phil: Well done, boys!
Dwight/Justin/Chlodwig:
[relieved laughter]
Phil: And that's how
you do that.
Old Chlodwig: [panting]
[grunts]
You jabber-nulling,
pop-doodling,
yellow-feathered liver-eater!
Dwight: [sigh]
You good, Phil?
You got your wiggle room?
Phil: Oh yeah.
So much better.
This ought to hold me
for a good 40 minutes.
- Forty minutes?
Phil: An eternity
on some worlds.
- Well on this world
it's 40 minutes!
Chlodwig: We must find
my ancient self
and retrieve
my ancient doughnuts.
Dwight: Time's tickin'.
Gretta: By the age of 10
I had already vanquished
a dragon
and driven a mob of orcs
out of my kingdom.
- Your kingdom?
- Rogemore,
we've been over this.
Baldric: Long may it flourish.
- Wow.
I sure appreciate you both
coming in.
- Ooh!
Which leads us
to my early adolescence.
Baldric: Ha.
Gretta: A time of trial
that tempered me
like a fine steel blade.
- Oh-ho!
Indeed.
This is good.
- [struggling]
Huzzah!
Victory.
[grunting]
- Man.
That's quite a story.
- Ah.
Mr. Hammond: But,
it's getting kind of late so--
Baldric: Oh!
But we're just getting
to the good part.
- Of course you are.
Gretta: Now, imagine my surprise
when I awaken
to see Sir Dwight
staring me in the face.
- [laughing]
- Dwight?
- Not what I expected
but he has risen to the task
commendably.
- Mm.
- From world history class?
Gretta: Indeed, yes.
Mr. Hammond: The kid who sits
in the front row?
- That's the one.
- The guy
who volunteered to organize
the history fair?
Old Chlodwig: Where is the
errant teacher conference?
Mr. Hammond: What the--
[confused stuttering]
Is he with you?
Gretta: Are you lost,
ancient one?
- Gretta?
[gasp]
Gretta: Do I know you?
Old Chlodwig: I have a warning
from the future.
- From the future?
- What warning?
- Doom, doom, doooom!
Mr. Hammond: Sir, are you okay?
Old Chlodwig: Ohh,
out of my way.
Gretta, Baldric,
you must listen.
- I think
he might be having a stroke.
- Step aside.
- We're listening.
What is your warning?
- My warning.
Baldric/Gretta: Yes.
Old Chlodwig: Eh, um,
I don't recall.
I'm um...
I know I had a warning
and it was a very good warning.
It was, um.
Never eat the last lemon fritter
at a dwarf banquet.
- Prince Chlodwig?
Dwight: [short yelp]
Chlodwig!
Chlodwig: Ancient self.
Mr. Hammond: Dwight,
do you know this man?
Dwight: Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, he's with me.
I'm with him.
I just, I have to find a, a...
Old Chlodwig:
Hands to your own person.
- They're not here.
Gretta: What's not here?
- The doughnuts Phil,
they're not here.
- Who's Phil?
Phil: That's me.
Just passin' through.
[laughs]
Little gas joke.
- Where are the doughnuts,
grandpa?
- They're all gone.
Baldric: We can stop
for more doughnuts
on the way home, Sir Dwight.
Dwight: No, no, no,
we need his doughnuts.
Old Chlodwig: I used them up
getting here.
- Can we still stop
and get doughnuts
on the way home?
- How much time
we got, Phil?
Phil: Feels like oh, I'd say
about 20 minutes-ish.
- Where are your doughnuts,
you fop-doodle?
Chlodwig: Fop-doodle?
- Think, you lubber-wart.
- Oh.
- Oh dear.
Old Chlodwig: Your first journey
through the cosmos.
What did Uncle Arnolf give you
to bring back?
Dwight/Chlodwig: Doughnuts!
Dwight: Go, go!
Gotta go.
Thanks, Mr. Hammond.
Love your class!
[hurried groaning]
- Same time tomorrow.
Hm.
Dwight: You didn't
throw them away did you?
Gretta: Uncle Arnolf
told us not to.
Baldric: He said they could
prove useful.
Phil: That guy's hilarious.
- The ice box.
Chlodwig: Oh.
Dwight/Chlodwig: [grunting]
Baldric: My nightgown!
Dwight: Okay, I gotta know
before Phil blows us all up.
Why is your nightgown
in the freezer?
Baldric: I like a cold nightgown
on a warm night.
- And why not?
- Huzzah!
Two left.
Phil: Take one out,
throw it up in the air,
and I will do the rest.
Oh!
And don't any of you think about
any specific times or locations
while the doughnut's in the air.
You don't wanna confuse it.
- 'Kay?
So I'll just think
of Cap'n Crunch.
I mean that can't be considered
a time or a destination, right?
Phil: We'll see, won't we?
Baldric: I shall think
of my toes.
Gretta: I shall think about
how to spell perseverance.
Baldric: Ah.
Chlodwig: Wait, wait, wait.
- Gotta go.
Lives of billions hangin'
in the balance here, man.
- I've got it.
I shall think of nothing at all.
Dwight: Love it.
Ready, Phil?
Phil: Nice meeting you guys.
Glad I didn't blow you all
to smithers.
- Ready?
Phil: Ready.
Take me to Feeeeech!
[magical whoosh]
Dwight: [nervous breathing]
Wow.
Okay.
I need to, I need to sit down.
- My turn.
- Not so soon, ancient self.
We have so much to discuss.
- It's time to go.
- But...
my future.
What must I know?
- You already know
everything you must know.
- Farewell, ancient self.
- Get on with it,
you whippersnapper.
Take me to my lady's arms.
[magical whoosh]
Gretta: [short laugh]
Dwight: Did he say lady's arms?
Gretta: Incredible.
- Tell us.
What was the message
my ancient self so wanted
to share with you?
Gretta: Oh.
[clears throat]
Never eat the last lemon fritter
at a dwarf banquet.
- You're kidding me.
That was the message?
- Excellent advice.
♪
this ought to get you
up to speed.
- The honor
has fallen upon me
to host this month's
Guy Club assembly.
[knock, knock, knock]
- Am I late?
- Exactly punctual, brother.
Do come in.
[knocking]
Gretta: Uncle Arnolf.
- I have no need of you.
[magical poof]
[magical whoosh]
Dwight: Wha-What?
Where did they go?
- On a journey
through the cosmos.
[magical poof]
- Doughnut anyone?
- Keep these handy.
You never know when
you'll desperately want one.
I must be off.
- Off?
♪
Gretta: [lightly snoring]
- Hey,
where's Ms. Hernandez?
Mr. Hammond: Good morning,
history buffs.
I'm Mr. Hammond
and I'm your new teacher
for this world history class.
Ms. Hernandez has gone
to New York
to chase her dream of becoming
a puppeteer for The Muppets.
[silence]
Class: [soft chuckles]
Which...
I maybe wasn't supposed
to tell you, so...
that stays between you, me,
and these four walls.
[soft clap]
- Yeah.
Gretta: [lightly snoring]
- Let's get right into it.
History.
What do we mean by that?
We talk about history.
Uhh, Gretta Besieged?
Gretta: [startled snore]
- Good morning, Gretta.
Gretta: [clears throat]
- Can you tell us
what you think history means?
Gretta: Certainly.
Uh.
A record kept by scribes
of a bygone time
detailing acts of valor
or villainy.
Mr. Hammond: Uh,
history definition, take it.
- Events that have
happened in the past.
Mr. Hammond: Okay.
You're not wrong.
But what about all that stuff
that happened in the past
that nobody remembers?
Those forgotten things,
which is almost everything
actually.
Are they still history?
I would encourage you
to doubt history.
Mistrust it.
Consider it the dirty,
rotten liar that it is.
'Cause history isn't a record
of all the things
that've happened.
It's a story of what
we've chosen to remember.
♪
Dwight: Okay, so about
a thousand years ago
there was this princess, Gretta,
and she was in big trouble
'cause she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss,
and deal with Gretta's big,
scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Instead...
Ahhhh!
[kiss]
...they got me.
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
[school bell ringing]
Mr. Hammond: Hey there Gretta.
Um, do either of your parents
have any flexibility
in their schedule?
- I shouldn't think so.
The one is dead
and the other is an oak tree.
- But her guardian
is pretty much available
pretty much all the time.
- Well, um.
Please give this
to your uh, guardian,
and um, let me know
if tonight would work.
Gretta: Tonight?
Dwight: Here it comes.
Look, you miss school,
you blow off homework,
and you sleep through class.
This is what you get.
Gretta/Baldric:
Parent teacher conference.
Baldric: A summons of some sort.
- Oh, he just wants
to talk to you
about how you're doin'
in history.
- Oh.
Well why didn't he
just say that then.
- He seeks an audience
tonight at six of the clock.
- Which is actually
pretty cool of him.
Teachers don't get overtime.
Gretta/Baldric: Hm.
Gretta: Ooo.
We must be off.
- Will there be food
at this conference
of barren teachers?
Dwight: Uh, not barren teachers.
Gretta: No, Chlodwig,
you are not invited.
This is for Baldric and myself
to chronicle our noble deeds
for posterity.
- Wait what?
Baldric: We have much to tell,
Highness.
Gretta: Don't expect us back
before dawn.
Baldric: [chuckling]
Ha!
- I should probably
give Mr. Hammond a heads-up.
[refrigerator rattling]
- Did that come from...?
[refrigerator rattling]
- What are you guys putting
in your fridge?
- Only food stuffs
and Baldric's nightgown.
- His what?
Why is Baldric's nightgown
in the fridge?
[refrigerator rattling]
- It wants out.
- What does?
- Baldric's nightgown.
- Oh come on.
No, there has to be
a logical explanation for--
[powerful whoosh]
[air hissing]
Dronelover 99:
And we're back!
All: [congratulating each other]
Dwight: It's the Guy Club guys.
Chlodwig: Back from the cosmos.
How was your journey, brothers?
Dronelover 99:
Kinda all over the place.
Dwight: How did you get back?
- Doughnuts.
- Huh?
[refrigerator rattling]
[magical whoosh]
- [disgustedly] Ughhh.
- Whoa.
Who's that?
Chlodwig: A dead man in a chair.
- His name's Phil.
Dwight: Phil?
Phil?
Phil: [disembodied] That's me.
I'm just happy to be here.
Thug: Phil.
That's Phil.
Dwight: [confused mumbling]
- Welcome to Guy Club,
ancient Phil.
- Hi.
Dronelover 99:
Not the guy in the wheelchair,
the guy in the jar.
- Pardon?
Phil: Right here.
See the old guy?
See his hands?
See the jar in his hands?
See the good-looking gas
in the jar?
Dronelover 99: That's Phil.
He's a telepathic gas
we picked up
in a realm called Feeech.
Dwight: Hm.
- [startled yell]
I have a plan.
Thug: [clears throat]
No you don't Chlodwig.
Dronelover 99:
The plan is Chick-Fil-A, dude.
Barkeep: Chicken strips!
Thug: Yeah.
- Chlodwig?
- Impossible.
♪
Chlodwig/Old Chlodwig:
Balderdash!
Enough of this.
How dare you, sir.
- Holy cow.
Chlodwig, is that really you?
Old Chlodwig: Never doubt me.
Chlodwig: Look at me.
I'm so old.
Phil: Mm, 108.
- Eh?
Speak up, you poop-noddy.
Phil: We picked him up
on a visit to the future realm.
He wanted to come back
to give a message
to a princess and a magician.
Dwight: You mean Gretta
and Baldric?
- Where are they?
Dwight: At a parent teacher
conference
with Mr. Hammond.
- Ohhh.
I must tell them...
[snoring]
Dwight: So this is pretty much
Woodside.
Nice town,
great place to grow up.
Phil: So, what should I do
while I'm here?
Dwight: Well, really depends
on what you're into.
Uh, we have a lot
of great hiking trails.
There's a waterfall
not too far from here.
Chlodwig: Potato chips.
Phil: I'm game for everything.
But time is a limiting factor.
I don't wanna overstay
my welcome.
Dwight: Nah, Phil,
we love having you here.
Phil: Well you say that now
but you'll be singin'
a different tune
when I destroy
all carbon-based life
on this planet.
- Pardon?
Phil: It'll be like
a high-pitched
screamy kind of tune.
- Why would you
wanna do that?
Phil: Oh, I wouldn't.
But given the highly unusual
atmosphere you guys have here,
my containment in this jar
is really unstable.
- When you say unstable...
Phil: Well, this is what we
in Guy Club
call a mayonnaise jar.
It wasn't really designed
to contain something like me,
especially not in a place
like this.
And when I finally
break through?
So we should probably just hit
the Woodside highlights
and get me back to Feeech.
Chlodwig: You have seen all.
Dwight: Check mark on Woodside.
Let's get you home.
How do we do that?
Like right now?
Phil: We need a Doughnut.
- A doughnut?
Phil: From the box Arnolf
gave to Chlodwig in the cosmos.
Not you Chlodwig, the old one.
He keeps them
under his wheelie chair seat.
Chlodwig: Where has he gone?
Dwight: Nobody panic.
Chlodwig: [screams]
Dwight: [short shriek]
I said nobody panic!
We have to find
old Chlodwig now.
Chlodwig: Sir Dwight.
You are speaking
about a master of stealth,
speed, and agility.
How ever are we to find
such a man?
- Well, we'll just have to
find our own master of stealth,
speed, and agility.
Someone who thinks
like Chlodwig.
Someone who plans
like Chlodwig.
- Mm-hm.
- Because he is Chlodwig.
- I have it!
Who better to find myself
than myself?
- Okay.
Let's show some hustle
before Phil cracks his jar
and destroys the world.
Phil: Go-o-o guy club!
Old Chlodwig: [panting]
Woman: Sir?
Are you okay?
- Where is
the barren teacher conference?
- The what?
- The barren teacher conference.
They've gone to meet
with Mr. Hammond.
- You mean
the parent teacher conference?
Old Chlodwig: Yeah, that's it.
Where is it?
I must warn them.
Woman: Uh, the school?
Maybe Woodside Elementary?
Woodside Middle?
Woodside High?
- That's the one!
Uhh.
Which way?
Woman: It's about three
or four miles that way.
Sir, do you need a ride?
Old Chlodwig: Oh.
I got a ride.
[grunt]
Weeee!
♪
Dwight: Okay, Chlodwig.
You're 108 years old,
where would you go?
Chlodwig: Difficult to say.
I'm an inscrutable,
unpredictable mystery,
Sir Dwight.
Even to myself.
Phil: He has a message
for the princess
and the magician.
Dwight: Gretta and Baldric.
Phil: Where are they?
Dwight: At the parent teacher
conference.
Chlodwig: After me!
Dwight: How you feelin' Phil?
How's that jar?
Phil: Don't worry about it.
Everything's going to be fine.
Until the instant
when it suddenly isn't.
Dwight: [nervous groan]
Mr. Hammond: So, Gretta.
Tell me a little about
your goals in world history.
- Well, they are
the simple goals
of any monarch.
To be remembered as a just,
wise, and benevolent ruler.
Baldric: Her people adore her
and her enemies cower in fear
before her.
Write that down.
Mm.
♪
- [grunting]
Ahhhh!
[crash]
[panting]
[spits]
[grunting]
Runner: Hey there.
Where you headed, buddy?
- To the conference
of parent leeches
at Woodside High.
- All right, well,
I'm headed that way.
You want a push?
Yeah?
All right.
- Faster!
- Faster!
- You wanna do the pedaling?
Phil: Uh-oh.
Chlodwig: What's amiss?
Dwight: Phil said uh-oh.
What uh-oh?
Phil: Oh, never mind.
- Never mind?
Phil: I don't want you guys
to worry.
- We are already worried, Phil.
That mayonnaise jar
is the only thing
keeping you from destroying
all carbon-based life
on this planet.
Phil: Well yeah.
[light cracking]
And it's cracking.
I don't do well in tight spaces.
I need my wiggle room.
- We've gotta get you
out of there.
Phil: In the next six
or seven minutes
would be ideal.
- Oh geez.
- I have a plan!
Dwight: Not now Chlodwig.
We have to get Phil out
of that mayonnaise jar
and into something
with wiggle room.
- I have it.
Dwight: Chlodwig,
the world is gonna end
in five to six minutes
if we don't think of something.
Children: [squealing]
Dwight: Oh, that could work.
Runner: Okay man.
So, Woodside High is just
a block that way.
Sorry, but I got a brisket
in the crock pot.
Chlodwig: Ohhh,
I know that feeling.
Runner: All right, so you sure
you got it from here?
- Most certainly.
I'm quite capable.
Runner: All right, well you have
a good one brother.
Old Chlodwig: [panting]
[grunting]
Oh floof.
Ahhhhh!
Dwight: Okay.
Justin: Okay Phil.
Nozzle valve's in place.
Phil: Great!
Thanks Justin!
Chlodwig, you found a hammer?
Chlodwig: Yes.
Phil: Now ever so gently,
suuuper gently,
just as extra incredibly gently
as you can,
hammer the nozzle valve
through the lid
of the mayonnaise jar
while being veeery gentle.
Dwight: This is it guys.
Phil: Did you get
the gentle part?
Dwight: Chlodwig?
No matter what happens,
you're always gonna be
my brother.
Oh and Justin,
it's been an honor knowing you
these past five or six minutes.
- Let's save the world, men.
You ready, Phil?
Phil: Ready!
Gently.
Gennntly.
[pop!]
Dwight/Justin/Chlodwig: [shriek]
Phil: That girl is adorable,
but I'm about to destroy
the world.
[tap, tap]
Phil: Gently!
[tap]
Justin: [frightened groan]
We have pressure!
Dwight: Okay.
Moving balloon into position.
Justin: Commencing
gas transference.
See you on the other side Phil.
[air hissing]
Phil: Well done, boys!
Dwight/Justin/Chlodwig:
[relieved laughter]
Phil: And that's how
you do that.
Old Chlodwig: [panting]
[grunts]
You jabber-nulling,
pop-doodling,
yellow-feathered liver-eater!
Dwight: [sigh]
You good, Phil?
You got your wiggle room?
Phil: Oh yeah.
So much better.
This ought to hold me
for a good 40 minutes.
- Forty minutes?
Phil: An eternity
on some worlds.
- Well on this world
it's 40 minutes!
Chlodwig: We must find
my ancient self
and retrieve
my ancient doughnuts.
Dwight: Time's tickin'.
Gretta: By the age of 10
I had already vanquished
a dragon
and driven a mob of orcs
out of my kingdom.
- Your kingdom?
- Rogemore,
we've been over this.
Baldric: Long may it flourish.
- Wow.
I sure appreciate you both
coming in.
- Ooh!
Which leads us
to my early adolescence.
Baldric: Ha.
Gretta: A time of trial
that tempered me
like a fine steel blade.
- Oh-ho!
Indeed.
This is good.
- [struggling]
Huzzah!
Victory.
[grunting]
- Man.
That's quite a story.
- Ah.
Mr. Hammond: But,
it's getting kind of late so--
Baldric: Oh!
But we're just getting
to the good part.
- Of course you are.
Gretta: Now, imagine my surprise
when I awaken
to see Sir Dwight
staring me in the face.
- [laughing]
- Dwight?
- Not what I expected
but he has risen to the task
commendably.
- Mm.
- From world history class?
Gretta: Indeed, yes.
Mr. Hammond: The kid who sits
in the front row?
- That's the one.
- The guy
who volunteered to organize
the history fair?
Old Chlodwig: Where is the
errant teacher conference?
Mr. Hammond: What the--
[confused stuttering]
Is he with you?
Gretta: Are you lost,
ancient one?
- Gretta?
[gasp]
Gretta: Do I know you?
Old Chlodwig: I have a warning
from the future.
- From the future?
- What warning?
- Doom, doom, doooom!
Mr. Hammond: Sir, are you okay?
Old Chlodwig: Ohh,
out of my way.
Gretta, Baldric,
you must listen.
- I think
he might be having a stroke.
- Step aside.
- We're listening.
What is your warning?
- My warning.
Baldric/Gretta: Yes.
Old Chlodwig: Eh, um,
I don't recall.
I'm um...
I know I had a warning
and it was a very good warning.
It was, um.
Never eat the last lemon fritter
at a dwarf banquet.
- Prince Chlodwig?
Dwight: [short yelp]
Chlodwig!
Chlodwig: Ancient self.
Mr. Hammond: Dwight,
do you know this man?
Dwight: Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, he's with me.
I'm with him.
I just, I have to find a, a...
Old Chlodwig:
Hands to your own person.
- They're not here.
Gretta: What's not here?
- The doughnuts Phil,
they're not here.
- Who's Phil?
Phil: That's me.
Just passin' through.
[laughs]
Little gas joke.
- Where are the doughnuts,
grandpa?
- They're all gone.
Baldric: We can stop
for more doughnuts
on the way home, Sir Dwight.
Dwight: No, no, no,
we need his doughnuts.
Old Chlodwig: I used them up
getting here.
- Can we still stop
and get doughnuts
on the way home?
- How much time
we got, Phil?
Phil: Feels like oh, I'd say
about 20 minutes-ish.
- Where are your doughnuts,
you fop-doodle?
Chlodwig: Fop-doodle?
- Think, you lubber-wart.
- Oh.
- Oh dear.
Old Chlodwig: Your first journey
through the cosmos.
What did Uncle Arnolf give you
to bring back?
Dwight/Chlodwig: Doughnuts!
Dwight: Go, go!
Gotta go.
Thanks, Mr. Hammond.
Love your class!
[hurried groaning]
- Same time tomorrow.
Hm.
Dwight: You didn't
throw them away did you?
Gretta: Uncle Arnolf
told us not to.
Baldric: He said they could
prove useful.
Phil: That guy's hilarious.
- The ice box.
Chlodwig: Oh.
Dwight/Chlodwig: [grunting]
Baldric: My nightgown!
Dwight: Okay, I gotta know
before Phil blows us all up.
Why is your nightgown
in the freezer?
Baldric: I like a cold nightgown
on a warm night.
- And why not?
- Huzzah!
Two left.
Phil: Take one out,
throw it up in the air,
and I will do the rest.
Oh!
And don't any of you think about
any specific times or locations
while the doughnut's in the air.
You don't wanna confuse it.
- 'Kay?
So I'll just think
of Cap'n Crunch.
I mean that can't be considered
a time or a destination, right?
Phil: We'll see, won't we?
Baldric: I shall think
of my toes.
Gretta: I shall think about
how to spell perseverance.
Baldric: Ah.
Chlodwig: Wait, wait, wait.
- Gotta go.
Lives of billions hangin'
in the balance here, man.
- I've got it.
I shall think of nothing at all.
Dwight: Love it.
Ready, Phil?
Phil: Nice meeting you guys.
Glad I didn't blow you all
to smithers.
- Ready?
Phil: Ready.
Take me to Feeeeech!
[magical whoosh]
Dwight: [nervous breathing]
Wow.
Okay.
I need to, I need to sit down.
- My turn.
- Not so soon, ancient self.
We have so much to discuss.
- It's time to go.
- But...
my future.
What must I know?
- You already know
everything you must know.
- Farewell, ancient self.
- Get on with it,
you whippersnapper.
Take me to my lady's arms.
[magical whoosh]
Gretta: [short laugh]
Dwight: Did he say lady's arms?
Gretta: Incredible.
- Tell us.
What was the message
my ancient self so wanted
to share with you?
Gretta: Oh.
[clears throat]
Never eat the last lemon fritter
at a dwarf banquet.
- You're kidding me.
That was the message?
- Excellent advice.
♪