Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 4, Episode 1 - Another Slice of Pilot - full transcript
While the gang waits in line to buy pie from a food truck, Prince Chlodwig the Unstable tells his side of the story about what happened to him on the day the Champion Spell was broken, from...
[ominous music]
[birds chirping]
[bike chain clicking]
[birds continue chirping]
Chlodwig: It all began
on that fateful day.
[camera buzzing]
[bird calling]
[crash]
Chlodwig: You remember the one.
Dwight: [screaming]
[crash]
[kiss]
[coughs]
[whoosh]
[magical thrum]
[birds calling]
♪
[bushes rustling]
Chlodwig: Get this off of me.
Urgh!
Pfft.
Hm.
♪
[bushes continue rustling]
[grunts]
[yawns]
Now, what was I about?
♪
[paper rustling]
There you are, my love.
Thought you could hide,
little goose?
♪
[softly groans]
I'm coming, my darling.
And won't you be surprised.
Gretta: Hold just a moment.
You carried around my portrait?
Chlodwig: 'Twas
a long time ago.
Gretta: [shudders]
- Still creepy, dude.
- Don't interrupt,
I am telling a story.
♪
I could've sworn
it was here.
How does one lose a castle?
[crash]
Chlodwig: [screaming]
[crash]
Dwight: Whew, yeah.
Now, that-that's a hard fall.
♪
Chlodwig: Pffft.
[coughs]
[softly groans]
[coughs]
[groans]
[yelling] Princess?
♪
Long, long ago,
I set out to win the heart
of a princess who has a knack
for making enemies.
So, her magician cast
the most inconsiderate spell
that put me and all the woods
to sleep.
I slept and slept
and slept and slept.
I'd be sleeping still
if fate had not intervened.
Dwight: [screaming]
[crash]
[kiss]
Dwight: Ah!
♪
Dwight: Ow!
♪
♪
- Where is she?
- Who are you?
Baldric: Hexela.
Gskulking about my castle?g
- Thaof my life period
that I care to recall.
Hm.
Gretta: Oh.
- Is she... dead?
- Is who dead?
- That would save me
so much bother.
- Dear heaven.
You are old!
You're the most ancient hag
I've ever beheld!
- [growls]
Chlodwig: I have to ask--
How are you not dead yet?
- [gasps]
I'll ask the questions,
you sputtle puffkin!
Chlodwig: Sputtle puffkin,
is it?
- What happened?
- I fell
a sizeable distance
down a hole.
- Not to you, you oaf.
To this castle!
Ah!
By walking these pixies...
Oh, confound it.
Who can read this tiny writing?
[frustrated groan]
- "By waking
this Princess with your kiss,
you agree to perform the office
and function of her Champion
until her hordes of enemies
are defeated."
Hexela: [gasps]
A Champion spell.
[high-pitched] Ohh!
I know of only one magician
who can command that spell.
[giggles]
- You mean to say
that some fat-lipped oaf
has been kissing my betrothed?
Hexela: And now she's gone
and taken all her bones
with her.
- Pardon?
- The little twerp.
Making a woman of my age
chase her all through creation?
Troll: [snorts and snarls]
- [screams]
- Let me guess.
Gretta/Chlodwig: Trolls.
- [snarling]
[magical sound]
Chlodwig: Are you a witch?
Hexela: Run, you fool!
These won't hold them for long.
Chlodwig: I'll fly to your arms,
my love.
Trolls: [snarling, groaning]
♪
[birds chirping]
[skateboard wheels rolling]
[Segway buzzing]
[footsteps]
Chlodwig: Hm.
- Hey there.
What can I get you?
- I'm looking
for my true love.
- Ah man, I feel you.
Wow, are you dying of heat
in that costume?
- 'Tis warm to be sure.
- How's the Ren Fair
going?
- Pardon?
- Tell you what--
I'll give you a slice
of Swiss apple
if you send all your
Ren Fair buddies this way.
Oh, and do you have
our punch card?
Chlodwig: I believe not.
- Buy 50 slices
and you get a free pie.
[hole punch clicks]
Don't lose that.
- I shall protect it
with my life, fair Phoebe.
[medieval folk music,
swords clanging]
♪
♪
- [breathy laugh]
[water sloshing]
Crowd: Ooohh.
- [sighs]
- Hey.
Uh, I'm Edenberry Elf.
Have you uh, signed in yet?
- Edenberry Elf?
- Mm-hm.
- I thought elves
migrated south
this time of year.
- Uhh...
Chlodwig: Would you do me
a kindness, Edenberry Elf?
- A uh, a kindness?
- I'm on a quest
to win the hand
of Princess Gretta,
the Besieged.
- What ho!
- The lady's castle
now lies in ruins
and the lady herself
is not to be found.
- A lass, alack.
[grunts]
- Will you use
your elvish powers to find her?
- I would be honored,
black knight of the realm.
- Prince Chlodwig.
Edenberry Elf: Your Highness.
My elvish powers
are at your disposal
in your search
for the princess.
- What a fellow.
Edenberry Elf: Mm, yes.
I call upon my elvish powers
now.
Oh, my elvish powers.
[struggling]
Oh, my elvish powers
searching the elemental
energy reverberations
to locate the Princess.
- Amazing.
Edenberry Elf: There she is...
quite close.
- [whispering] Where?
- She is very close.
- Where is she, Elf?
- Somewhere.
Straight over there!
[triumphant music]
- [in awe] Oh.
Huzzah!
Oh, well done.
- Oh.
Chlodwig: Edenberry Elf!
- Thank you.
Chlodwig: You're all invited
to the nuptials.
Crowd: [cheering]
Juliet: I'm thinking
a caption like...
"Bellybutton owl gives a hoot
in Woodside Woods."
Chlodwig: Ah, peasants.
Where is the Princess?
- What are you
supposed to be?
Juliet: Oh, ohhh.
Shakespeare improv troupe, yeah!
Dwight booked 'em.
- Oh, I thought
they were booked through May.
Juliet:
Good e'en, sir knight.
- Prince Chlodwig.
- I know
the princess you seek.
Me thinks she's gone
to revel in bingo night.
Make haste!
Uh... [laughs]
I'm sorry, I think your show's
about to start.
Down the hall on the right.
- My love awaits.
Ladies, how do I look?
[school bell ringing]
♪
What a story
to tell our grandchildren.
[crash]
Students:
[frightened exclaiming]
[armor clanking]
- Okay, that guy's trying
to kill you.
Male singer: One, two,
three, four.
♪
[swords clanging]
[crash]
[swords clanging]
[music fades out]
Dwight: Okay!
Okay man, okay.
Hey, we all know violence
is never the answer, right?
Gretta: Save your breath,
Champion.
Chlodwig: Champion.
Him?
Gretta: Sadly, yes.
Chlodwig:
This spineless tadpole?
- Can we not do this again?
Baldric/Hexela: [chuckling]
[armor clanging]
[applause]
Gretta: [grunts]
You scoundrel!
You knave!
You brute!
Male thespian 2: Hey, hey!
You guys were so awesome!
Holy moly.
- Your hand!
- Yeah.
Gretta: [grunts] What?
Male thespian 2: [chuckles]
Hey, sorry, real quick.
I know you guys are headin' out,
but I just wanted to ask.
Do you do ongoing casting?
I mean, I was in a production
of Macbe--
Or, sorry, the Scottish play,
[laughs]
and it was an ensemble cast...
Gretta: My dagger!
[dagger clangs]
Gretta: [grunts]
Male thespian 2: Wow!
[incredulous laugh]
You should be careful,
that could've really
hurt someone.
Gretta: [grunts]
Male thespian 2: So anyway,
I know a little
about stage combat,
I took a few workshops,
but you know,
I'm at like, intermediate level
so--
- Help!
Male thespian 2: That was
an advanced level move.
Okay, I'm just gonna um,
I'm just gonna look you guys up
on your website.
Gretta: [struggling grunts]
Unhand me, you fiend!
You blackguard!
You.. bilge.. rat-faced brute.
Chlodwig: You're rat-faced.
[crash]
[thud]
- [blows]
[thump]
Jacopo: You are free,
warrior maiden.
I have subdued the bilge,
rat-faced brute.
Gretta: Most chivalrous of you.
- Hm.
- To whom do I owe
my thanks?
- I am Jacopo,
a troubadour.
- Oh.
A troubadour.
Jacopo: Yes, si.
- Pray, do sing me the news.
- Another time perhaps,
senorita.
I go on important business.
Gretta: Godspeed to you,
good sir.
And take the thanks of
Princess Gretta the Besieged
with you along your way.
[thump]
- The.. Princess?
The Besieged?
You are she?
- The very same.
- Hm.
The fate, she is a...
a funny mistress.
We meet at long last,
Principessa.
And now, we stand on the field
of combat.
By the rules of chivalry,
you may fight or you may yield.
[short chuckle]
Ah.
- I will fight.
- Bravo.
[both grunting]
[clang]
[thud]
[sword clinks]
[grunting continues]
- Shall we discuss terms?
I give you... your life.
You give me your kingdom.
Heh?
Chlodwig: No one threatens
this Princess but I.
- [strained yell]
Chlodwig: How dare you ruin
my day of joy?
Jacopo: [growls]
[sword clangs]
Chlodwig: Yield, peasant.
Jacopo: You yield.
[spits]
Knave.
- What do you mean?
Why should I--
I have a sword, you have a lute.
- Esattamente
[lute strum]
[strumming continues]
Jacopo: Mi amore.
Mwah.
Yes, come along Principessa.
[lute strumming]
Gretta: Ah!
Jacopo: Oh, you are too kind.
[lute strums]
Jacopo: Too adoring.
No need to worship me,
on your faces.
[strum]
Jacopo: [sighs]
[strum]
Jacopo: I win.
[strum]
- I win.
[strum]
Jacopo: Oh, I win.
I win, I--
[crash]
[screaming]
[crash]
Grh.
Ah.
Oh mi amore,
she will not be happy.
[mumbles]
Gretta: [panting]
[clink]
Gretta: No!
[grunting]
No!
Unhand me!
Chlodwig: Almost there,
my darling.
Gretta: Unhand me!
[fire roars]
- [frightened yell]
[anxious panting]
Let me go this instant, you--
Chlodwig: Call me... sugarplump.
- Chlodwig?
- Hey man.
[sword clinks]
Dwight: Hey, no, I--
I didn't come here to fight.
It's been what,
a thousand years
since you last,
you know, circulated?
It's a different world now.
I just wanna make sure
that you have the skills
to survive and thrive.
- But I am on a quest
to win the hand
of Princess Gretta
by fair means or foul.
Dwight: Yeah, turns out
that's not a good quest.
She's just not that into you,
man.
It sucks,
but we've all been there.
Welcome to guy club.
- Guy club?
Thank you.
[fire roars]
Gretta: [shrieks]
Hexela: [sighs] You poor thing.
Chlodwig: She?
A poor thing?
Have you any idea
how difficult it was
to hoist your person
over that dragon pit?
- You never say that
to a lady.
Gretta: Thank you.
- I'm in your debt,
guy club brother.
- Call me Dwight.
- See you
in yon village, Dwight.
[upbeat music]
♪
[honking]
Female singer: ♪ There's a light
in my chest, ♪
♪ growing deep down. ♪
♪ She's talking 'bout the best,
but she's so loud. ♪
♪ Tell me why, ♪
♪ tell me why. ♪
♪
Chlodwig: [delightedly] Oh.
Oh, good lady.
You must try this.
[chuckles]
♪
Female singer: ♪ Show the flow,
get it fresh and get it shine. ♪
♪ Tell me why, ♪
♪ tell me why, ♪
♪ tell me why, ♪
♪ tell me why. ♪
- Fair Phoebe.
- Oh, hey!
Hot knight guy.
I mean, you're dressed
like a knight and you look hot.
Warm.
I mean warm,
because it's hot outside.
Chlodwig: I have news,
fair Phoebe.
- Spill it.
Chlodwig: I am no longer
betrothed.
Phoebe: Aw man, that sucks.
I'm sorry.
- 'Tis all for the best.
All I lack in this world
is a slice of Swiss apple pie.
Phoebe: O...kay.
Comin' right up.
[dramatic sound effect]
[bushes rustling]
Phoebe: Here you go.
- Chlodwig.
- Really?
- Quickly, fair Phoebe.
My punch card.
I must follow yon trolls
and see what mischief
they are about.
- Great plan.
Have fun!
[cicadas singing]
Trolls: [grunting]
[ding-dong]
[intense music]
- [whispering]
Brother Dwight.
Troll: [grunts, snarls]
Dwight: Ah!
[thud]
Trolls: [snarling]
- Grrrh!
Ugh!
[sword clinks]
- For guy club!
[swords clanging, grunting]
Gretta: Get off my land,
Chlodwig!
We have no need of your help.
- Gretta, are you still upset
at the silly affair
with the kidnapping
and the dragon pit?
- You!
Chlodwig: That's all
in the past.
Troll: [growls]
Baldric: Take cover!
Ta-shal-ah-vi-ta-shal-ah-va!
[magical sound]
♪
Gretta: [panting]
He's going to be fine.
Well done, Baldric.
- A tidy piece of work.
Gretta: Let me make one thing
abundantly clear.
I will never marry you,
Chlodwig.
- And I will never marry you.
I will find a woman who
appreciates romantic gestures.
- Romantic gestures?
- You hung me
over a dragon pit.
- So ungrateful.
- So we are agreed
we shall never marry each other?
- Agreed.
Chlodwig/Gretta: [spit]
Dwight: Wait, all that happened
while I was in the dirt?
How long was I out?
Chlodwig: Ah, finally!
Phoebe, well met.
- Hey, Chlodwig.
Wow, I love the new cape.
Chlodwig: Sir Dwight made it
for me.
- Nice.
What can I get you?
- I'll try the key lime.
- Coconut cream for me.
[clink]
Chlodwig: Five slices
of Swiss apple.
- That'll be $21.50.
- Hand it over, fellows.
Come come, pay up.
Phoebe is running a pie shop,
not a poor house.
Phoebe: Here you go.
Chlodwig: Ah-ha.
Phoebe: Witches first.
- Huzzah.
Finally!
The realization of a dream.
I believe that should do it.
- Well, look at that.
[click, click, click]
- Wait,
[click, click]
Is that why you
dragged us all out here
and made us get apple pie?
Chlodwig: Swiss apple.
- And pay for yours.
[ding, ding, ding]
- That's a free pie!
Chlodwig: Free pie!
[laughs]
- Unbelievable.
- But--
- Swiss apple.
- What else, fair Phoebe?
[laughs]
What else?
♪
[birds chirping]
[bike chain clicking]
[birds continue chirping]
Chlodwig: It all began
on that fateful day.
[camera buzzing]
[bird calling]
[crash]
Chlodwig: You remember the one.
Dwight: [screaming]
[crash]
[kiss]
[coughs]
[whoosh]
[magical thrum]
[birds calling]
♪
[bushes rustling]
Chlodwig: Get this off of me.
Urgh!
Pfft.
Hm.
♪
[bushes continue rustling]
[grunts]
[yawns]
Now, what was I about?
♪
[paper rustling]
There you are, my love.
Thought you could hide,
little goose?
♪
[softly groans]
I'm coming, my darling.
And won't you be surprised.
Gretta: Hold just a moment.
You carried around my portrait?
Chlodwig: 'Twas
a long time ago.
Gretta: [shudders]
- Still creepy, dude.
- Don't interrupt,
I am telling a story.
♪
I could've sworn
it was here.
How does one lose a castle?
[crash]
Chlodwig: [screaming]
[crash]
Dwight: Whew, yeah.
Now, that-that's a hard fall.
♪
Chlodwig: Pffft.
[coughs]
[softly groans]
[coughs]
[groans]
[yelling] Princess?
♪
Long, long ago,
I set out to win the heart
of a princess who has a knack
for making enemies.
So, her magician cast
the most inconsiderate spell
that put me and all the woods
to sleep.
I slept and slept
and slept and slept.
I'd be sleeping still
if fate had not intervened.
Dwight: [screaming]
[crash]
[kiss]
Dwight: Ah!
♪
Dwight: Ow!
♪
♪
- Where is she?
- Who are you?
Baldric: Hexela.
Gskulking about my castle?g
- Thaof my life period
that I care to recall.
Hm.
Gretta: Oh.
- Is she... dead?
- Is who dead?
- That would save me
so much bother.
- Dear heaven.
You are old!
You're the most ancient hag
I've ever beheld!
- [growls]
Chlodwig: I have to ask--
How are you not dead yet?
- [gasps]
I'll ask the questions,
you sputtle puffkin!
Chlodwig: Sputtle puffkin,
is it?
- What happened?
- I fell
a sizeable distance
down a hole.
- Not to you, you oaf.
To this castle!
Ah!
By walking these pixies...
Oh, confound it.
Who can read this tiny writing?
[frustrated groan]
- "By waking
this Princess with your kiss,
you agree to perform the office
and function of her Champion
until her hordes of enemies
are defeated."
Hexela: [gasps]
A Champion spell.
[high-pitched] Ohh!
I know of only one magician
who can command that spell.
[giggles]
- You mean to say
that some fat-lipped oaf
has been kissing my betrothed?
Hexela: And now she's gone
and taken all her bones
with her.
- Pardon?
- The little twerp.
Making a woman of my age
chase her all through creation?
Troll: [snorts and snarls]
- [screams]
- Let me guess.
Gretta/Chlodwig: Trolls.
- [snarling]
[magical sound]
Chlodwig: Are you a witch?
Hexela: Run, you fool!
These won't hold them for long.
Chlodwig: I'll fly to your arms,
my love.
Trolls: [snarling, groaning]
♪
[birds chirping]
[skateboard wheels rolling]
[Segway buzzing]
[footsteps]
Chlodwig: Hm.
- Hey there.
What can I get you?
- I'm looking
for my true love.
- Ah man, I feel you.
Wow, are you dying of heat
in that costume?
- 'Tis warm to be sure.
- How's the Ren Fair
going?
- Pardon?
- Tell you what--
I'll give you a slice
of Swiss apple
if you send all your
Ren Fair buddies this way.
Oh, and do you have
our punch card?
Chlodwig: I believe not.
- Buy 50 slices
and you get a free pie.
[hole punch clicks]
Don't lose that.
- I shall protect it
with my life, fair Phoebe.
[medieval folk music,
swords clanging]
♪
♪
- [breathy laugh]
[water sloshing]
Crowd: Ooohh.
- [sighs]
- Hey.
Uh, I'm Edenberry Elf.
Have you uh, signed in yet?
- Edenberry Elf?
- Mm-hm.
- I thought elves
migrated south
this time of year.
- Uhh...
Chlodwig: Would you do me
a kindness, Edenberry Elf?
- A uh, a kindness?
- I'm on a quest
to win the hand
of Princess Gretta,
the Besieged.
- What ho!
- The lady's castle
now lies in ruins
and the lady herself
is not to be found.
- A lass, alack.
[grunts]
- Will you use
your elvish powers to find her?
- I would be honored,
black knight of the realm.
- Prince Chlodwig.
Edenberry Elf: Your Highness.
My elvish powers
are at your disposal
in your search
for the princess.
- What a fellow.
Edenberry Elf: Mm, yes.
I call upon my elvish powers
now.
Oh, my elvish powers.
[struggling]
Oh, my elvish powers
searching the elemental
energy reverberations
to locate the Princess.
- Amazing.
Edenberry Elf: There she is...
quite close.
- [whispering] Where?
- She is very close.
- Where is she, Elf?
- Somewhere.
Straight over there!
[triumphant music]
- [in awe] Oh.
Huzzah!
Oh, well done.
- Oh.
Chlodwig: Edenberry Elf!
- Thank you.
Chlodwig: You're all invited
to the nuptials.
Crowd: [cheering]
Juliet: I'm thinking
a caption like...
"Bellybutton owl gives a hoot
in Woodside Woods."
Chlodwig: Ah, peasants.
Where is the Princess?
- What are you
supposed to be?
Juliet: Oh, ohhh.
Shakespeare improv troupe, yeah!
Dwight booked 'em.
- Oh, I thought
they were booked through May.
Juliet:
Good e'en, sir knight.
- Prince Chlodwig.
- I know
the princess you seek.
Me thinks she's gone
to revel in bingo night.
Make haste!
Uh... [laughs]
I'm sorry, I think your show's
about to start.
Down the hall on the right.
- My love awaits.
Ladies, how do I look?
[school bell ringing]
♪
What a story
to tell our grandchildren.
[crash]
Students:
[frightened exclaiming]
[armor clanking]
- Okay, that guy's trying
to kill you.
Male singer: One, two,
three, four.
♪
[swords clanging]
[crash]
[swords clanging]
[music fades out]
Dwight: Okay!
Okay man, okay.
Hey, we all know violence
is never the answer, right?
Gretta: Save your breath,
Champion.
Chlodwig: Champion.
Him?
Gretta: Sadly, yes.
Chlodwig:
This spineless tadpole?
- Can we not do this again?
Baldric/Hexela: [chuckling]
[armor clanging]
[applause]
Gretta: [grunts]
You scoundrel!
You knave!
You brute!
Male thespian 2: Hey, hey!
You guys were so awesome!
Holy moly.
- Your hand!
- Yeah.
Gretta: [grunts] What?
Male thespian 2: [chuckles]
Hey, sorry, real quick.
I know you guys are headin' out,
but I just wanted to ask.
Do you do ongoing casting?
I mean, I was in a production
of Macbe--
Or, sorry, the Scottish play,
[laughs]
and it was an ensemble cast...
Gretta: My dagger!
[dagger clangs]
Gretta: [grunts]
Male thespian 2: Wow!
[incredulous laugh]
You should be careful,
that could've really
hurt someone.
Gretta: [grunts]
Male thespian 2: So anyway,
I know a little
about stage combat,
I took a few workshops,
but you know,
I'm at like, intermediate level
so--
- Help!
Male thespian 2: That was
an advanced level move.
Okay, I'm just gonna um,
I'm just gonna look you guys up
on your website.
Gretta: [struggling grunts]
Unhand me, you fiend!
You blackguard!
You.. bilge.. rat-faced brute.
Chlodwig: You're rat-faced.
[crash]
[thud]
- [blows]
[thump]
Jacopo: You are free,
warrior maiden.
I have subdued the bilge,
rat-faced brute.
Gretta: Most chivalrous of you.
- Hm.
- To whom do I owe
my thanks?
- I am Jacopo,
a troubadour.
- Oh.
A troubadour.
Jacopo: Yes, si.
- Pray, do sing me the news.
- Another time perhaps,
senorita.
I go on important business.
Gretta: Godspeed to you,
good sir.
And take the thanks of
Princess Gretta the Besieged
with you along your way.
[thump]
- The.. Princess?
The Besieged?
You are she?
- The very same.
- Hm.
The fate, she is a...
a funny mistress.
We meet at long last,
Principessa.
And now, we stand on the field
of combat.
By the rules of chivalry,
you may fight or you may yield.
[short chuckle]
Ah.
- I will fight.
- Bravo.
[both grunting]
[clang]
[thud]
[sword clinks]
[grunting continues]
- Shall we discuss terms?
I give you... your life.
You give me your kingdom.
Heh?
Chlodwig: No one threatens
this Princess but I.
- [strained yell]
Chlodwig: How dare you ruin
my day of joy?
Jacopo: [growls]
[sword clangs]
Chlodwig: Yield, peasant.
Jacopo: You yield.
[spits]
Knave.
- What do you mean?
Why should I--
I have a sword, you have a lute.
- Esattamente
[lute strum]
[strumming continues]
Jacopo: Mi amore.
Mwah.
Yes, come along Principessa.
[lute strumming]
Gretta: Ah!
Jacopo: Oh, you are too kind.
[lute strums]
Jacopo: Too adoring.
No need to worship me,
on your faces.
[strum]
Jacopo: [sighs]
[strum]
Jacopo: I win.
[strum]
- I win.
[strum]
Jacopo: Oh, I win.
I win, I--
[crash]
[screaming]
[crash]
Grh.
Ah.
Oh mi amore,
she will not be happy.
[mumbles]
Gretta: [panting]
[clink]
Gretta: No!
[grunting]
No!
Unhand me!
Chlodwig: Almost there,
my darling.
Gretta: Unhand me!
[fire roars]
- [frightened yell]
[anxious panting]
Let me go this instant, you--
Chlodwig: Call me... sugarplump.
- Chlodwig?
- Hey man.
[sword clinks]
Dwight: Hey, no, I--
I didn't come here to fight.
It's been what,
a thousand years
since you last,
you know, circulated?
It's a different world now.
I just wanna make sure
that you have the skills
to survive and thrive.
- But I am on a quest
to win the hand
of Princess Gretta
by fair means or foul.
Dwight: Yeah, turns out
that's not a good quest.
She's just not that into you,
man.
It sucks,
but we've all been there.
Welcome to guy club.
- Guy club?
Thank you.
[fire roars]
Gretta: [shrieks]
Hexela: [sighs] You poor thing.
Chlodwig: She?
A poor thing?
Have you any idea
how difficult it was
to hoist your person
over that dragon pit?
- You never say that
to a lady.
Gretta: Thank you.
- I'm in your debt,
guy club brother.
- Call me Dwight.
- See you
in yon village, Dwight.
[upbeat music]
♪
[honking]
Female singer: ♪ There's a light
in my chest, ♪
♪ growing deep down. ♪
♪ She's talking 'bout the best,
but she's so loud. ♪
♪ Tell me why, ♪
♪ tell me why. ♪
♪
Chlodwig: [delightedly] Oh.
Oh, good lady.
You must try this.
[chuckles]
♪
Female singer: ♪ Show the flow,
get it fresh and get it shine. ♪
♪ Tell me why, ♪
♪ tell me why, ♪
♪ tell me why, ♪
♪ tell me why. ♪
- Fair Phoebe.
- Oh, hey!
Hot knight guy.
I mean, you're dressed
like a knight and you look hot.
Warm.
I mean warm,
because it's hot outside.
Chlodwig: I have news,
fair Phoebe.
- Spill it.
Chlodwig: I am no longer
betrothed.
Phoebe: Aw man, that sucks.
I'm sorry.
- 'Tis all for the best.
All I lack in this world
is a slice of Swiss apple pie.
Phoebe: O...kay.
Comin' right up.
[dramatic sound effect]
[bushes rustling]
Phoebe: Here you go.
- Chlodwig.
- Really?
- Quickly, fair Phoebe.
My punch card.
I must follow yon trolls
and see what mischief
they are about.
- Great plan.
Have fun!
[cicadas singing]
Trolls: [grunting]
[ding-dong]
[intense music]
- [whispering]
Brother Dwight.
Troll: [grunts, snarls]
Dwight: Ah!
[thud]
Trolls: [snarling]
- Grrrh!
Ugh!
[sword clinks]
- For guy club!
[swords clanging, grunting]
Gretta: Get off my land,
Chlodwig!
We have no need of your help.
- Gretta, are you still upset
at the silly affair
with the kidnapping
and the dragon pit?
- You!
Chlodwig: That's all
in the past.
Troll: [growls]
Baldric: Take cover!
Ta-shal-ah-vi-ta-shal-ah-va!
[magical sound]
♪
Gretta: [panting]
He's going to be fine.
Well done, Baldric.
- A tidy piece of work.
Gretta: Let me make one thing
abundantly clear.
I will never marry you,
Chlodwig.
- And I will never marry you.
I will find a woman who
appreciates romantic gestures.
- Romantic gestures?
- You hung me
over a dragon pit.
- So ungrateful.
- So we are agreed
we shall never marry each other?
- Agreed.
Chlodwig/Gretta: [spit]
Dwight: Wait, all that happened
while I was in the dirt?
How long was I out?
Chlodwig: Ah, finally!
Phoebe, well met.
- Hey, Chlodwig.
Wow, I love the new cape.
Chlodwig: Sir Dwight made it
for me.
- Nice.
What can I get you?
- I'll try the key lime.
- Coconut cream for me.
[clink]
Chlodwig: Five slices
of Swiss apple.
- That'll be $21.50.
- Hand it over, fellows.
Come come, pay up.
Phoebe is running a pie shop,
not a poor house.
Phoebe: Here you go.
Chlodwig: Ah-ha.
Phoebe: Witches first.
- Huzzah.
Finally!
The realization of a dream.
I believe that should do it.
- Well, look at that.
[click, click, click]
- Wait,
[click, click]
Is that why you
dragged us all out here
and made us get apple pie?
Chlodwig: Swiss apple.
- And pay for yours.
[ding, ding, ding]
- That's a free pie!
Chlodwig: Free pie!
[laughs]
- Unbelievable.
- But--
- Swiss apple.
- What else, fair Phoebe?
[laughs]
What else?
♪