Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 3, Episode 5 - Just Desserts - full transcript
Hexela and Baldrick are captured by a witch with designs on Baldrick. Meanwhile Dwight defends a cow on trial.
♪
- [humming]
[self-satisfied growl]
[humming]
Ha, ha, ha.
[pop]
- [coughs]
Mm, ha, ha.
[humming]
Baldric/Gretta: Oh!
Dwight: Hey, Baldric--
Gretta: Care for a smoovie?
- Oh uh, thank you,
no, Highness.
I must be off.
Dwight: Whew!
What's that stench?
Gretta: [gasps]
Baldric: Oh, uh.
Gretta: Is that hawk's blood
with a splash of stallion sweat?
Baldric: I-I-I smell nothing.
Beckon me if you need anything.
I uh, must bid you both
a uh, good... day.
Dwight: [coughs] Whew.
Ah, Gretta--
You might want to slow down
or you'll get a serious--
- [high-pitched moan]
- --brain freeze.
- [groans]
What is happening to me?
[knocking]
- [groaning]
- Um, okay.
[trumpet sounding]
- [loudly] A message
for the princess!
- Whoa.
Who are you?
Gretta: A Herald.
Dwight: Oh, hey Harold.
- Enter, my good man.
What is your message?
Herald: [loudly]
All Citizens of the Realm
are summoned to trial,
to cast their vote
in the fate of the wrong-doer.
- The wrong-doer?
- [loudly] Recently apprehended.
Your presence is expected
at the trial.
- When is the trial?
- [loudly] Presently,
Your Highness.
We assemble at the tavern.
Gretta: Excellent.
Carry on, good Herald.
- Oh, I uh, I got you.
- [loudly] Enjoy your smoovies.
- Later, Harold.
Gretta: Uuugghhh.
- What?
- I am bound by duty
to give my vote on a jury.
- Oh.
Jury duty, huh?
Ouch.
Baldric: Ready for lunch..?
[lights buzzing softly]
- Hexie?!
[soft footsteps]
- [grunts]
[lights buzzing]
[magical noise]
- Oh.
- I have your witch.
If you ever want her back,
come to the sunken castle.
And come alone.
[wicked laughter]
[intense music]
♪
Dwight: Okay, so about
a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta,
and she was in big trouble
'cause she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician, Baldric,
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss,
and deal with Gretta's big,
scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Instead...
Ahhhh!
[kiss]
...they got me.
[screams]
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
Hexela: [gasps]
Baldric!
Baldric: Oh.
Sweet heaven..!
[frightened yell]
I am here, as you asked.
- Have you come alone?
- I have.
[girlish giggles]
- Oh, how romantic!
- [disgusted sigh]
Baldric: I know you--
You're that brazen hussy
of a witch from the Inn!
- You remember.
Hexela: Ugh.
Madgie, let me out of here!
Of all the absurd,
outrageous pranks!
Madgie: Oh, not a prank,
sweetums!
A proposition.
My offer still stands.
Two prince earlobes
for your hefty servingman.
Hexela: Well I simply
can't sell him to you, Madgie,
much as I'd love to--
Baldric: Hummpphh!
Hexela: Because
he's not my servant.
He's my...
Madgie/Baldric: What?
- Magician... colleague.
- Co-- You see madame,
I am nobody's servant.
Now, release this witch
and good day to you!
- But I don't want a servant.
I have a servant.
- Ho there.
How may I serve you?
Madgie: Not now, Mann.
I'm looking for a sweet,
adoring companion
to share the rest of my days.
So, Baldi-shmoo...
may I call you Baldi-shmoo?
- Under no circumstance.
Madgie: Shall we
run away together?
Just you and I
and Mann to carry the luggage
and live lives
of head-spinning romance
and breathless adventure?
- Thank you, no.
We must be off.
You have already cost us
our lunch reservation.
Madgie: Oh,
but won't you reconsider?
- Run, Baldric!
- [yelling]
[poof]
Baldric: [grunting]
Madgie: [laughing]
- What in the--
Now see here, madame!
Hexela: Madgie, my sweet, dear,
unhinged little thing--
Psst, come here.
Come here.
You don't want Baldric.
You can do so much better,
my darling.
This big lumbering oaf--
[snort laughs]
He'll bore you to tears
in an afternoon.
Mann: I'm bored
after five minutes.
Madgie: No one asked you, Mann.
Hexela: Honestly, darling,
I fail to see the attraction.
Madgie: I like his silky hair
and his flowing beard,
his twinkly eyes,
and his cute round cheeks,
and his broad, burly stature.
Oh! twinkly eyes,
and his cute round cheeks,
And the way he says,
"Now see here, madame!"
[giggles]
Boop!
[giggles]
- Now see here, mad--!
Hexela: Hands off my magician,
you little tart!
Madgie: Oh, so that's how it is?
I suspected
there was a little something
between you two.
Baldric: [stammering]
Not even a bit of a something.
Hexela is only a...
witch friend.
- [offended squeak]
Madgie: [inhales] Not to worry.
It's nothing a whiff of this
won't remedy.
Hexela/Mann: Is that..?
- Mmmm-hmmm.
[giggles]
- What?
Wh-What is it?
- Adoration Aroma.
- Ooh.
Madgie: One little sniff
and you'll adore me forever.
- But, mistress, wait..!
Baldric: Stand back!
Hexela: Hold your breath,
Baldric!
- [sharp inhale]
[magical noise]
Madgie: [laughs]
Hexela: Baldric!
Oh Madgie, how dare you!
You rotten,
beastly little cheater!
- Oh, as if you've never
used a love potion before,
Hexie.
- [gasps for air]
[coughing and wheezing]
Madgie: Well,
what do you think of me now,
Baldi-shmoo?
[giggling]
- I think you...
are a wallowing warthog
of a witch!
Madgie: [frustrated squealing]
Expired!
[frustrated squealing continues]
We must make more
Adoration Aroma at once.
[sighs]
Dwight: So,
based on what you're saying,
it's just like
the modern justice system.
Somebody did something bad
and as citizens of the realm,
it's your job to...
[cow bell rattling]
Why the cow?
- That's the wrongdoer.
[cow moos]
[bell ringing]
Lord Steward: Hear ye, hear ye.
Today the fate of this beast
shall be decided.
Of what is she accused?
- My dear husband
was minding his own business,
plowing his own field,
when this cantankerous old cow
kicked him in the head
and nearly killed him!
Crowd: [gasps]
- I call to give testimony--
Angus Pewlet, Barber Surgeon.
Master Pewlet, you treated
this man for his ailments,
did you not?
- Aye.
I was called to his house
two nights ago
whereupon his wife
paid me a pot of milk
to examine his injuries
and make a diagnosis.
- And what
was your diagnosis?
Angus: Pain of the head.
Crowd: [gasps]
Gretta: [gasps]
- [exaggerated moan]
- I prescribed
a treatment of leeches,
applied twice daily.
Dwight: For a headache?
Lord Steward:
And how fares your patient now?
Neighbor's Wife:
He's worse than ever!
The poor man's
wracked with pain,
just look at him!
- [moans loudly]
Gretta: Oh.
- Seriously?
You're buying this?
Dude's fine.
He just wrapped a bandage
around his head.
The leeches probably
did more damage
than the cow kick.
Gretta: Shh.
- And how do you plead?
- You're kidding.
Baldric: It all comes, madame,
from your misspent youth.
Hexela: So I'm to blame, sir?
- Your school friends are
a horrid lot
of hideous harpies!
- Well, be that as it may,
this is all your fault.
- My fault?
I came to rescue you!
- If you weren't
so devilishly handsome
and utterly irresistible.
- Well, this is true.
- [deep sniff]
Is that scent of hawk's blood
with a splash of stallion sweat?
- Maybe.
Hexela: Oooh.
Madgie: It shan't be long now,
Baldi-shmoo.
[giggles]
- Listen here,
you scheming she-devil--
Madgie: Oh!
Call me Madgie.
Oh, or "Divine Darling."
[laughs]
Mann, why are you
standing there
with your teeth in your head?
Build. The. Fire.
- Right away.
Lord Steward: And who
speaks for this cow?
Cow's Owner: I tell you truly,
Lord Steward,
my Lucinda is no evil beast.
She never set hoof
in my neighbor's field.
- Liar!
That monster of a cow
chased him down
and kicked his lights out!
- It's not true!
Lucinda would never hurt anyone.
Would you, girl?
[cow moos]
- See?
Dwight: What happens
if the cow is found guilty?
[fire crackling]
[shink, shink, shink]
Madgie: [humming]
Almost ready!
Hazelnut shells.
Fairy Wings.
[sighs]
Moments away, my lover!
Hexela: Baldric,
we haven't much time.
In a few moments,
your mind and your heart
will no longer be your own.
And I shall never
forgive myself.
Madgie: Dried bat.
- Half a dried bat.
Madgie/Baldric: What?
- Half a dried bat,
you ninny.
Baldric: What are you doing?
- Every witch in the world
knows this recipe!
Madgie: Mind your own business.
I know what I'm doing.
- You're right Baldric,
this is all my fault...
for having such a vile
and repugnant childhood friend.
Can't even follow
a simple recipe.
If only I had
a better judge of character
when I was young
we wouldn't be here.
- Now, now, Hexela.
Don't blame yourself.
You said it and it's true--
my tremendous animal magnetism
is at fault and nothing else.
Madgie: Last step,
my sweetie sweetikins.
Quickly, Mann...
Zest of a prince's earlobe.
- Mistress, don't do it.
He doesn't deserve you.
- Mann, what on earth?
- He won't make you happy.
- He's right-- I won't!
Madgie: Ohh, of course you will!
You'll have no choice.
Mann: He won't know
how you take your tea
or which are
your favorite slippers...
He won't know that you like
whipped cream on your eggs--
- Ewww.
- --and beetles sprinkled
over your bathwater.
He won't know that when
you pull on your ear like that,
You're actually checkinge,
nto make surere.
your ear didn't fall off again.
Only a man who knows you so well
and loves you so perfectly
could possibly make you happy.
- That's why I need you, Mann...
to teach him everything.
[laughs]
Lord Steward: Now that
we've heard both sides,
it's time for final pleas.
Dwight: That's it?
No one's gonna present
any actual evidence?
- We've heard each side
of the story.
Whom do you believe?
Dwight: This is literally
the epitome
of a he said, she said case.
- Silence!
Peasant woman,
do you have any final plea?
Neighbor's Wife:
I most certainly do!
This cow has cost us
our livelihood.
Without my husband's labor,
we'll starve.
This devil cow
should be slaughtered
to-to fill our bellies!
Crowd: [soft clapping]
Neighbor's Wife: AND its owner
should pay us 40 crowns!
Crowd: [soft clapping]
- I mean 50 crowns!
Crowd: [indistinct chatter]
- Milk man--
do you have a final plea?
- Please don't take my Lucinda.
She's a good girl.
And the only milk cow
to be had in twenty furlongs!
Gretta: Poor cow.
Her fate is sealed.
Lord Steward: Are there
any other pleas
before we cast our votes?
Dwight: I have a plea,
your honor!
- Come forward.
Crowd: [indistinct whispering]
- Who are you?
- My name's Dwight.
- And what have you to do
with this case?
Dwight: I'm a... Cow Advocate,
your honor.
I speak for the cows.
Lord Steward:
And what has the cow to say?
Dwight: Before we go there,
I was hoping I could ask
the guy on the stretcher
a couple of questions.
You say this cow
chased you down in your field
and kicked you in the head?
Neighbor: 'Tis true.
[exaggerated moaning]
Dwight: Well, how do you know
it was this cow?
- 'Tis the only cow
in twenty furlongs.
- And you say
that Lucinda here
has never set a hoof
in your neighbor's field?
- Not a single hoof.
They're always
trying to steal her milk;
I have to keep her
locked up in the barn.
- Liar!
- Thief!
Crowd: [murmurs]
- And you--
You're saying this woman paid
you a pot of milk two nights ago
after her husband
was kicked in the head.
Angus: Aye.
Dwight: Well,
if Lucinda's the only milk cow
in twenty furlongs...
Where'd you get the pot of milk?
Cow Owner: They're always
trying to steal Lucinda's milk!
Dwight: And what might a cow do
if some dirtbag
broke into her barn
and tried to steal her milk?
- Why, she'd kick him
good and proper.
[crowd murmurs in agreement]
Dwight: Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
it's possible that this cow
chased this man down
in his field for no reason
and kicked him in the head.
But it's just as possible
that that man
broke into this cow's barn
and stole her milk,
which makes the cow's kick
a kick of milk defense.
Crowd: [indistinct whispering]
Lord Steward:
Citizens of the realm.
It is time to cast your votes.
Madgie: [giggling]
[sighs]
Hexela: Baldric, my darling--
what fools we've been.
We've had so many chances
and we've squandered them all...
- I should have told you
years ago and every day since...
Hexela, I lo--
[magical noise]
Baldric: [coughing]
Madgie: [laughing evilly]
Hexela: You sow!
[grunts]
Madgie: Well, Baldi-shmoo?
Be honest.
How much do you love me now?
- Love?
Pah!
Adore you!
Madgie: [relieved laughter]
Baldric: I worship you.
You are my goddess.
My... Divine Darling.
Madgie: [giggles]
Fly to my arms, my love!
Baldric: [grunts] I can't fly--
- Mann, let him out at once!
Baldric: At once, Mann!
Madgie: Over herrrre.
Baldric: [grunting]
♪
Baldric: Holding you
is like dancing
on a cloud of ethereal joy!
♪
Madgie: And what else?
Baldric: You're as light
as a butterfly.
Madgie/Baldric: Ohhhh!
Madgie: And what else?
- You're as beautiful
as a plate of eggs
with whipped cream.
Madgie: [laughing]
And what else?
[laughing continues]
Ohhh!
[screams]
Baldric: As mad
as a cuckoo bird!
Boop.
Hexela: Baldric?
You're not...
you don't... adore her?
- I adore you, madame.
Madgie: [groaning]
Let me OUT!!!!
[groaning continues]
Hexela: Wait!
Not just yet.
[thud]
- Half a dried bat,
if you please.
Baldric: Oh-ho, madame!
That was your mistake!
- Mann, if you know
what's good for you,
you'll let me out of here
right this second!
Hexela:
Zest of a prince's earlobes.
Madgie: [grunting]
- Ready!
Madgie: [groaning]
Madgie: [groaning]
Mann: I-I don't know, fellows.
She's a beautiful, talented,
and very angry witch
and I'm just--
Baldric: Far better
than she deserves.
Madgie: [groaning]
- You're welcome.
[coughing and sharply inhaling]
Oh.
Aren't you dreamy?
Mann: Oh!
Madgie: What now, my adored one?
Mann: We will live lives
of head-spinning romance
and breathless adventure.
Madgie: Yes!
Mann: I'll get the luggage,
my Divine Darling.
Madgie: [giggling]
- Citizens of the realm,
you have decided--
and in near unanimous numbers,
you have voted
to find this cow...
innocent.
All: [cheering]
Dwight: Yes! Yes!
Neighbor's Wife: What?
Both: No!
[thump]
Neighbor's Wife: Ow, ow.
Lord Steward:
You are... off the hook.
Crowd: [cheering]
[cow moos]
♪
- [humming]
[self-satisfied growl]
[humming]
Ha, ha, ha.
[pop]
- [coughs]
Mm, ha, ha.
[humming]
Baldric/Gretta: Oh!
Dwight: Hey, Baldric--
Gretta: Care for a smoovie?
- Oh uh, thank you,
no, Highness.
I must be off.
Dwight: Whew!
What's that stench?
Gretta: [gasps]
Baldric: Oh, uh.
Gretta: Is that hawk's blood
with a splash of stallion sweat?
Baldric: I-I-I smell nothing.
Beckon me if you need anything.
I uh, must bid you both
a uh, good... day.
Dwight: [coughs] Whew.
Ah, Gretta--
You might want to slow down
or you'll get a serious--
- [high-pitched moan]
- --brain freeze.
- [groans]
What is happening to me?
[knocking]
- [groaning]
- Um, okay.
[trumpet sounding]
- [loudly] A message
for the princess!
- Whoa.
Who are you?
Gretta: A Herald.
Dwight: Oh, hey Harold.
- Enter, my good man.
What is your message?
Herald: [loudly]
All Citizens of the Realm
are summoned to trial,
to cast their vote
in the fate of the wrong-doer.
- The wrong-doer?
- [loudly] Recently apprehended.
Your presence is expected
at the trial.
- When is the trial?
- [loudly] Presently,
Your Highness.
We assemble at the tavern.
Gretta: Excellent.
Carry on, good Herald.
- Oh, I uh, I got you.
- [loudly] Enjoy your smoovies.
- Later, Harold.
Gretta: Uuugghhh.
- What?
- I am bound by duty
to give my vote on a jury.
- Oh.
Jury duty, huh?
Ouch.
Baldric: Ready for lunch..?
[lights buzzing softly]
- Hexie?!
[soft footsteps]
- [grunts]
[lights buzzing]
[magical noise]
- Oh.
- I have your witch.
If you ever want her back,
come to the sunken castle.
And come alone.
[wicked laughter]
[intense music]
♪
Dwight: Okay, so about
a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta,
and she was in big trouble
'cause she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician, Baldric,
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss,
and deal with Gretta's big,
scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Instead...
Ahhhh!
[kiss]
...they got me.
[screams]
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
Hexela: [gasps]
Baldric!
Baldric: Oh.
Sweet heaven..!
[frightened yell]
I am here, as you asked.
- Have you come alone?
- I have.
[girlish giggles]
- Oh, how romantic!
- [disgusted sigh]
Baldric: I know you--
You're that brazen hussy
of a witch from the Inn!
- You remember.
Hexela: Ugh.
Madgie, let me out of here!
Of all the absurd,
outrageous pranks!
Madgie: Oh, not a prank,
sweetums!
A proposition.
My offer still stands.
Two prince earlobes
for your hefty servingman.
Hexela: Well I simply
can't sell him to you, Madgie,
much as I'd love to--
Baldric: Hummpphh!
Hexela: Because
he's not my servant.
He's my...
Madgie/Baldric: What?
- Magician... colleague.
- Co-- You see madame,
I am nobody's servant.
Now, release this witch
and good day to you!
- But I don't want a servant.
I have a servant.
- Ho there.
How may I serve you?
Madgie: Not now, Mann.
I'm looking for a sweet,
adoring companion
to share the rest of my days.
So, Baldi-shmoo...
may I call you Baldi-shmoo?
- Under no circumstance.
Madgie: Shall we
run away together?
Just you and I
and Mann to carry the luggage
and live lives
of head-spinning romance
and breathless adventure?
- Thank you, no.
We must be off.
You have already cost us
our lunch reservation.
Madgie: Oh,
but won't you reconsider?
- Run, Baldric!
- [yelling]
[poof]
Baldric: [grunting]
Madgie: [laughing]
- What in the--
Now see here, madame!
Hexela: Madgie, my sweet, dear,
unhinged little thing--
Psst, come here.
Come here.
You don't want Baldric.
You can do so much better,
my darling.
This big lumbering oaf--
[snort laughs]
He'll bore you to tears
in an afternoon.
Mann: I'm bored
after five minutes.
Madgie: No one asked you, Mann.
Hexela: Honestly, darling,
I fail to see the attraction.
Madgie: I like his silky hair
and his flowing beard,
his twinkly eyes,
and his cute round cheeks,
and his broad, burly stature.
Oh! twinkly eyes,
and his cute round cheeks,
And the way he says,
"Now see here, madame!"
[giggles]
Boop!
[giggles]
- Now see here, mad--!
Hexela: Hands off my magician,
you little tart!
Madgie: Oh, so that's how it is?
I suspected
there was a little something
between you two.
Baldric: [stammering]
Not even a bit of a something.
Hexela is only a...
witch friend.
- [offended squeak]
Madgie: [inhales] Not to worry.
It's nothing a whiff of this
won't remedy.
Hexela/Mann: Is that..?
- Mmmm-hmmm.
[giggles]
- What?
Wh-What is it?
- Adoration Aroma.
- Ooh.
Madgie: One little sniff
and you'll adore me forever.
- But, mistress, wait..!
Baldric: Stand back!
Hexela: Hold your breath,
Baldric!
- [sharp inhale]
[magical noise]
Madgie: [laughs]
Hexela: Baldric!
Oh Madgie, how dare you!
You rotten,
beastly little cheater!
- Oh, as if you've never
used a love potion before,
Hexie.
- [gasps for air]
[coughing and wheezing]
Madgie: Well,
what do you think of me now,
Baldi-shmoo?
[giggling]
- I think you...
are a wallowing warthog
of a witch!
Madgie: [frustrated squealing]
Expired!
[frustrated squealing continues]
We must make more
Adoration Aroma at once.
[sighs]
Dwight: So,
based on what you're saying,
it's just like
the modern justice system.
Somebody did something bad
and as citizens of the realm,
it's your job to...
[cow bell rattling]
Why the cow?
- That's the wrongdoer.
[cow moos]
[bell ringing]
Lord Steward: Hear ye, hear ye.
Today the fate of this beast
shall be decided.
Of what is she accused?
- My dear husband
was minding his own business,
plowing his own field,
when this cantankerous old cow
kicked him in the head
and nearly killed him!
Crowd: [gasps]
- I call to give testimony--
Angus Pewlet, Barber Surgeon.
Master Pewlet, you treated
this man for his ailments,
did you not?
- Aye.
I was called to his house
two nights ago
whereupon his wife
paid me a pot of milk
to examine his injuries
and make a diagnosis.
- And what
was your diagnosis?
Angus: Pain of the head.
Crowd: [gasps]
Gretta: [gasps]
- [exaggerated moan]
- I prescribed
a treatment of leeches,
applied twice daily.
Dwight: For a headache?
Lord Steward:
And how fares your patient now?
Neighbor's Wife:
He's worse than ever!
The poor man's
wracked with pain,
just look at him!
- [moans loudly]
Gretta: Oh.
- Seriously?
You're buying this?
Dude's fine.
He just wrapped a bandage
around his head.
The leeches probably
did more damage
than the cow kick.
Gretta: Shh.
- And how do you plead?
- You're kidding.
Baldric: It all comes, madame,
from your misspent youth.
Hexela: So I'm to blame, sir?
- Your school friends are
a horrid lot
of hideous harpies!
- Well, be that as it may,
this is all your fault.
- My fault?
I came to rescue you!
- If you weren't
so devilishly handsome
and utterly irresistible.
- Well, this is true.
- [deep sniff]
Is that scent of hawk's blood
with a splash of stallion sweat?
- Maybe.
Hexela: Oooh.
Madgie: It shan't be long now,
Baldi-shmoo.
[giggles]
- Listen here,
you scheming she-devil--
Madgie: Oh!
Call me Madgie.
Oh, or "Divine Darling."
[laughs]
Mann, why are you
standing there
with your teeth in your head?
Build. The. Fire.
- Right away.
Lord Steward: And who
speaks for this cow?
Cow's Owner: I tell you truly,
Lord Steward,
my Lucinda is no evil beast.
She never set hoof
in my neighbor's field.
- Liar!
That monster of a cow
chased him down
and kicked his lights out!
- It's not true!
Lucinda would never hurt anyone.
Would you, girl?
[cow moos]
- See?
Dwight: What happens
if the cow is found guilty?
[fire crackling]
[shink, shink, shink]
Madgie: [humming]
Almost ready!
Hazelnut shells.
Fairy Wings.
[sighs]
Moments away, my lover!
Hexela: Baldric,
we haven't much time.
In a few moments,
your mind and your heart
will no longer be your own.
And I shall never
forgive myself.
Madgie: Dried bat.
- Half a dried bat.
Madgie/Baldric: What?
- Half a dried bat,
you ninny.
Baldric: What are you doing?
- Every witch in the world
knows this recipe!
Madgie: Mind your own business.
I know what I'm doing.
- You're right Baldric,
this is all my fault...
for having such a vile
and repugnant childhood friend.
Can't even follow
a simple recipe.
If only I had
a better judge of character
when I was young
we wouldn't be here.
- Now, now, Hexela.
Don't blame yourself.
You said it and it's true--
my tremendous animal magnetism
is at fault and nothing else.
Madgie: Last step,
my sweetie sweetikins.
Quickly, Mann...
Zest of a prince's earlobe.
- Mistress, don't do it.
He doesn't deserve you.
- Mann, what on earth?
- He won't make you happy.
- He's right-- I won't!
Madgie: Ohh, of course you will!
You'll have no choice.
Mann: He won't know
how you take your tea
or which are
your favorite slippers...
He won't know that you like
whipped cream on your eggs--
- Ewww.
- --and beetles sprinkled
over your bathwater.
He won't know that when
you pull on your ear like that,
You're actually checkinge,
nto make surere.
your ear didn't fall off again.
Only a man who knows you so well
and loves you so perfectly
could possibly make you happy.
- That's why I need you, Mann...
to teach him everything.
[laughs]
Lord Steward: Now that
we've heard both sides,
it's time for final pleas.
Dwight: That's it?
No one's gonna present
any actual evidence?
- We've heard each side
of the story.
Whom do you believe?
Dwight: This is literally
the epitome
of a he said, she said case.
- Silence!
Peasant woman,
do you have any final plea?
Neighbor's Wife:
I most certainly do!
This cow has cost us
our livelihood.
Without my husband's labor,
we'll starve.
This devil cow
should be slaughtered
to-to fill our bellies!
Crowd: [soft clapping]
Neighbor's Wife: AND its owner
should pay us 40 crowns!
Crowd: [soft clapping]
- I mean 50 crowns!
Crowd: [indistinct chatter]
- Milk man--
do you have a final plea?
- Please don't take my Lucinda.
She's a good girl.
And the only milk cow
to be had in twenty furlongs!
Gretta: Poor cow.
Her fate is sealed.
Lord Steward: Are there
any other pleas
before we cast our votes?
Dwight: I have a plea,
your honor!
- Come forward.
Crowd: [indistinct whispering]
- Who are you?
- My name's Dwight.
- And what have you to do
with this case?
Dwight: I'm a... Cow Advocate,
your honor.
I speak for the cows.
Lord Steward:
And what has the cow to say?
Dwight: Before we go there,
I was hoping I could ask
the guy on the stretcher
a couple of questions.
You say this cow
chased you down in your field
and kicked you in the head?
Neighbor: 'Tis true.
[exaggerated moaning]
Dwight: Well, how do you know
it was this cow?
- 'Tis the only cow
in twenty furlongs.
- And you say
that Lucinda here
has never set a hoof
in your neighbor's field?
- Not a single hoof.
They're always
trying to steal her milk;
I have to keep her
locked up in the barn.
- Liar!
- Thief!
Crowd: [murmurs]
- And you--
You're saying this woman paid
you a pot of milk two nights ago
after her husband
was kicked in the head.
Angus: Aye.
Dwight: Well,
if Lucinda's the only milk cow
in twenty furlongs...
Where'd you get the pot of milk?
Cow Owner: They're always
trying to steal Lucinda's milk!
Dwight: And what might a cow do
if some dirtbag
broke into her barn
and tried to steal her milk?
- Why, she'd kick him
good and proper.
[crowd murmurs in agreement]
Dwight: Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
it's possible that this cow
chased this man down
in his field for no reason
and kicked him in the head.
But it's just as possible
that that man
broke into this cow's barn
and stole her milk,
which makes the cow's kick
a kick of milk defense.
Crowd: [indistinct whispering]
Lord Steward:
Citizens of the realm.
It is time to cast your votes.
Madgie: [giggling]
[sighs]
Hexela: Baldric, my darling--
what fools we've been.
We've had so many chances
and we've squandered them all...
- I should have told you
years ago and every day since...
Hexela, I lo--
[magical noise]
Baldric: [coughing]
Madgie: [laughing evilly]
Hexela: You sow!
[grunts]
Madgie: Well, Baldi-shmoo?
Be honest.
How much do you love me now?
- Love?
Pah!
Adore you!
Madgie: [relieved laughter]
Baldric: I worship you.
You are my goddess.
My... Divine Darling.
Madgie: [giggles]
Fly to my arms, my love!
Baldric: [grunts] I can't fly--
- Mann, let him out at once!
Baldric: At once, Mann!
Madgie: Over herrrre.
Baldric: [grunting]
♪
Baldric: Holding you
is like dancing
on a cloud of ethereal joy!
♪
Madgie: And what else?
Baldric: You're as light
as a butterfly.
Madgie/Baldric: Ohhhh!
Madgie: And what else?
- You're as beautiful
as a plate of eggs
with whipped cream.
Madgie: [laughing]
And what else?
[laughing continues]
Ohhh!
[screams]
Baldric: As mad
as a cuckoo bird!
Boop.
Hexela: Baldric?
You're not...
you don't... adore her?
- I adore you, madame.
Madgie: [groaning]
Let me OUT!!!!
[groaning continues]
Hexela: Wait!
Not just yet.
[thud]
- Half a dried bat,
if you please.
Baldric: Oh-ho, madame!
That was your mistake!
- Mann, if you know
what's good for you,
you'll let me out of here
right this second!
Hexela:
Zest of a prince's earlobes.
Madgie: [grunting]
- Ready!
Madgie: [groaning]
Madgie: [groaning]
Mann: I-I don't know, fellows.
She's a beautiful, talented,
and very angry witch
and I'm just--
Baldric: Far better
than she deserves.
Madgie: [groaning]
- You're welcome.
[coughing and sharply inhaling]
Oh.
Aren't you dreamy?
Mann: Oh!
Madgie: What now, my adored one?
Mann: We will live lives
of head-spinning romance
and breathless adventure.
Madgie: Yes!
Mann: I'll get the luggage,
my Divine Darling.
Madgie: [giggling]
- Citizens of the realm,
you have decided--
and in near unanimous numbers,
you have voted
to find this cow...
innocent.
All: [cheering]
Dwight: Yes! Yes!
Neighbor's Wife: What?
Both: No!
[thump]
Neighbor's Wife: Ow, ow.
Lord Steward:
You are... off the hook.
Crowd: [cheering]
[cow moos]
♪