Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 2, Episode 9 - Agnet - full transcript
Chlodwig's stalker arrives in Woodside with the intention of winning his undying love; Gretta and Dwight get roped into helping Chlodwig avoid his persistent follower.
[ominous music]
♪
[coughing]
[exhales]
- Not again.
Gretta: Did you remember
to pack your night clothes
and your socks?
Baldric: Yes, yes,
yes.
Gretta: And your tooth
cleaning brush?
- Everything is ready,
but this is folly.
I cannot go
and leave you unattended.
Gretta: Nonsense.
Prince Chlodwig and
Sir Dwight will attend to me.
Baldric: But, Highness...
Gretta: The assembly
of the magician's guild meets
once only every...
Baldric: Five hundred years.
- You must go.
- [frustrated sigh]
[door squeaks]
Dwight: Oh, hey Gretta,
hey Baldric.
You ready for your trip?
Baldric: Yes.
I must be off.
Dwight: You guys know
about this note
on the front of your door?
[door shuts]
Gretta: What note?
Oh, it's addressed
to you, Chlodwig.
- Is it?
- Hey man, soundin' good.
- My first performance
is tomorrow.
You will attend, Sir Dwight?
Dwight: Wouldn't miss it, buddy.
Baldric: I take my leave
of you, Highness.
Gretta: Good journey, Baldric.
- See you Thursday.
Have fun.
Baldric: Protect the princess
with your very life,
nay your very soul.
Dwight: Will do.
[slap]
[grunt]
Chlodwig: 'Tis a challenge,
written in most rude language.
Gretta: What manner
of challenge?
Chlodwig: I've been called
out to defend my title
as champion of the hammer throw.
- By whom?
Chlodwig: It doesn't say,
but the contest is
at mid-day.
I must be off at once.
Dwight: Hey, hang on,
we promised Baldric
that we'd stay with Gretta.
Gretta: And so you shall.
We shall all go
to the contest.
I do so love a hammer throw.
Chlodwig: Brilliant.
Baldric couldn't possibly
object to a brief excursion
into the woods.
- Uh.
- Oh, don't be such
a mubble-fubble, Sir Dwight.
[smack]
We promised we'd stay together,
and so we will.
Let's away.
- [sigh]
[theme music]
Dwight: Okay, so
about a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta.
And she was in big trouble
because she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
♪
So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell
with his kiss,
and deal with Gretta's
big, scary enemies.
But that guy, never showed up.
Instead...
Ah!
[kiss]
they got me.
♪
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
[thwacking]
Dwight: Are you sure you know
where you're going?
Chlodwig:
The challenge was clear,
we're to meet
upon the great knoll,
just north of the muddy peat,
two furlongs
from the brambly oak.
- It's almost mid-day.
- We must make haste.
Dwight: I can't make
much more haste, man.
Oh.
Uh.
Chlodwig: There,
the brambly oaks.
[bird calls]
[crunch]
Dwight: Ah!
[crash]
[coughing]
Dwight: What?
Is everybody okay?
[coughing]
Dwight: [screaming]
Snakes!
Snakes everywhere!
[screaming]
- They're not poisonous.
Dwight: How do you know?
That one there,
that one looks poisonous.
What is it?
Red touches black,
you're dead Jack,
or yellow touches red,
you're dead Fred?
[thwap]
Ah!
Dwight: What?
Agnet: Oh, dear me.
Poor, hapless soul,
wherefore art thou
at the bottom
of this deep pit full of snakes?
Chlodwig: Oh no.
It's her.
Dwight: Hey there,
is this your rope thing?
- 'Tis a braid of hair.
Agnet: Is that you,
Prince Chlodwig?
[Dwight yelping]
- Agnet!
- Oh! My darling.
Chlodwig: You go too far.
[Dwight making
panicked noises]
Agnet: There are no lengths
I wouldn't go for you,
my love.
- Who is this maiden?
Chlodwig: The scourge
of my life,
the bane of my existence.
- I've come to rescue you.
Dwight: Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Chlodwig: Absolutely no.
Agnet: Absolutely yes.
I shall save you from this pit
of deadly snakes.
Gretta: Deadly?
- Very deadly.
- Red touches black,
you're dead, Jack.
Agnet: Chlodwig, my sweet,
simply grab hold
of my long, luscious braid
and pull yourself out
of the pit to safety.
- I love this plan.
Agnet: That we may be married
and live happily ever after.
Chlodwig: I will never
marry you, Agnet.
[thwap]
Dwight: Maybe dump the girl
after we get out
of this snake pit?
- But you are
my prince charming.
Gretta: The snakes
are growing restless.
Stabilize your head, maiden.
We are climbing up.
- Is that a girl?
- I am
Princess Gretta the Besieged.
Agnet: [gasp] Gretta?
Ugh, why did you bring Gretta?
Unhand my braid,
this is a plan for my prince,
not for you.
Dwight: Wait, you,
you planned this?
- See, see how much I love you?
Chlodwig: She is out
of her tiny mind.
You cannot believe,
was it you who sent this
challenge of the hammer throw
on the great knoll?
- It was.
Gretta: And filled this pit
with deadly snakes?
- Oh yes.
- And got us to fall into it?
- All to prove my love
for you, my darling prince.
Dwight: Wow.
You think about the logistics
of actually pulling this off--
Chlodwig: What kind
of a lunatic
would imperil someone's life
to prove their love?
Agnet: Chlodwig, my sweet,
start climbing,
we are on a schedule today.
Chlodwig: I suggest instead
that we live out our lives
down here.
'Tis a comfortable pit
of ample size
and well- stocked
with snake meat.
- [sigh]
- Mm.
[exhales]
- Ow!
Ow.
[crash]
[coughing]
- This, this is all your fault.
- My fault?
Agnet: Yes, you, and
your immense poundage.
[Agnet screaming]
[Agnet and Dwight screaming]
Gretta: Get off me!
Agnet: You have made
a vile mess
of my perfectly lovely plan.
Dwight: What exactly was
your perfectly lovely plan?
Agnet: Oh, well the handsome
prince climbs up
the beautiful maiden's hair.
Dwight: Woo!
Agnet: The way it happens
in all my books.
Chlodwig:
Of all the potty ideas.
Agnet: But this ton
of princess has gone
and ruined everything
and now we shall all die
of snakebite.
Gretta: I think not!
Agnet: Oh,
ah,
oh.
Ah!
[squeals]
My hair!
Gretta: [grunt]
Dwight: Nice.
[grunting]
- Okay, I'm out.
Ah!
[grunting]
[coughing]
Agnet: Chlodwig, my sweet,
now that we are free
from the snake pit,
we may move on
to the wedding plans.
- Agnet,
I would sooner marry
the snake named Jack!
Dwight: Dude, come on!
That was kinda harsh.
Agnet: You!
You spoiled my snake pit, you,
you mangled my hair,
do you have any idea how long
it took me to grow this braid?
Gretta: Lay a hand on me,
you lunatic,
and I'll chop it off.
Dwight: No, no, she won't.
- [growls]
Dwight: No, you won't.
Agnet: Why does Chlodwig love
you so, you horrid princess.
Gretta: He doesn't love me.
- He doesn't?
- No, no, he doesn't.
Listen, Agnet.
Chlodwig is
a complicated guy,
with a lot of deep feelings
that are sometimes hard
to express.
- [sighs]
Oh, do keep talking
about Chlodwig.
He is my favorite subject.
Dwight: Well, here's the thing
about Chlodwig.
He just sees you as a friend.
- A friend?
Dwight: Yeah.
Hey, there will come a time
when you realize
that this was for the best.
- So, my prince--
Dwight:
Is still out there, Agnet.
He's waiting for you
to find him
and he's hoping you
won't give up on him.
[bird call]
- I understand.
Dwight: Good.
Yeah, great.
Great.
Chin up, off you go!
Best of luck.
Best foot forward,
go get 'em tiger.
Gretta: Goodbye.
Dwight: Oh!
Bye.
- [giggles]
Gretta: Oh.
Dwight: Hey man.
Chlodwig: You are just
in time.
I believe I follow the man
with the embarrassingly
puny mandolin.
[ukulele plays]
M. C.: Let's give Liam
here a big hand.
[applause]
- All right, next up,
please welcome Chodwedge.
Chlodwig: Ah, 'tis my moment.
Gretta: Hm.
- I dedicate this song
to Princess Gretta,
my former betrothed,
and to Sir Dwight,
my brother in the order
of Guy Club.
Dwight: Woo!
[mandolin plays]
- ♪ Mommy promised you to me, ♪
♪ but I had to set you free, ♪
♪ so I did, ♪
♪ and wrote this poem
to sing to other girls ♪
♪ once I know 'em. ♪
♪ Gretta, Gretta,
you were my love, ♪
♪ my cousin, my quest. ♪
♪ Gretta, Gretta,
Gretta, ♪
♪ it's over now and
for the best. ♪
♪ Gretta, Gretta,
Gretta, Gretta, ♪
♪ you were my looooooooove. ♪
[exhales]
Thank you.
[applause]
Dwight: Yeah.
Yeah, come on.
M.C.: Okay, awesome.
Uh, uh, next up
let's welcome Agnet.
[blasting on bagpipe]
- ♪ I was a beautiful
maiden in a tower ♪
♪ that was guarded
by a troll. ♪
[bagpipe blast]
♪ The troll did not let me leave
the tower, never. ♪
♪ Not once in my entire life,
just me by myself in a tower. ♪
♪ It was exceedingly boring. ♪
[bagpipe blast]
♪ Until one day
my prince came ♪
♪ and left the troll unconscious
and set me free. ♪
[bagpipe blast]
♪ Chlodwig, I will never give up
on our love, never, ♪
♪ never, never, never, never. ♪
[bagpipe blast]
Thank you.
[tepid applause]
[slap]
M. C.: Uh, uh--
[bagpipe moaning]
That's uh, that's gonna be
a tough act to follow.
Agnet: Did you--
[all gasp]
love the love song
I wrote for you, my prince?
Would you like
to get married now?
- Not now,
not ever Agnet.
Agnet: Oh, fluffy stuff.
If there is one thing a maiden
in a tower must learn
it is patience.
You have to kiss
a lot of frogs
before the frog you want
wants to marry
[slap] you.
- You kiss frogs?
Agnet: A maiden must do
what a maiden must do.
[gasp]
[magical sounds]
Gretta: Chlodwig!
Dwight: He's a frog!
[ribbit]
- One kiss from me
and he will be back
to his handsome self,
and much more ready
to get married.
[ribbit]
[ribbit]
Agnet: [gasp] No,
no, no, no, no.
- Chlodwig!
Agnet: No! No!
He's my prince!
No! No!
He's mine.
[ribbit]
Chlodwig!
My love!
Gretta: Chlodwig!
[thump]
[ribbit]
Dwight: I am so sorry.
Are you okay?
[girls fighting]
Mr. Dale?
[crow caws]
Mr. Dale: Do you see that crow?
Gretta: Chlodwig!
Dwight: Yeah.
Mr. Dale: So,
you would say it's real.
It's a real crow!
Dwight: Mr. Dale, are you okay?
- It's following me,
everywhere I go.
I have to get home.
It's almost dark.
And I have no idea what
happens when it's dark.
[cawing]
Dwight: Uh- huh.
Mr. Dale: We have tampered
with dark forces
that will be our undoing.
[ribbit]
Agnet: Oh! Dang it!
Give me my Frogwig back.
Gretta: You do not seriously
intend to kiss this?
[ribbit]
- Ew.
Chlodwig:
Off with your foul lips!
- But I--
Dwight: Look,
I think what Chlodwig is
trying to say is--
Chlodwig: I find you hideous.
Dwight: It's not you.
Chlodwig: It is you.
Dwight: He's just not looking
for a relationship right now.
Chlodwig: Because
you are grotesque.
Dwight: If he's being
completely honest,
he's not into girls
that put his life in danger.
Chlodwig: Especially
when they are
heinously disgusting.
Dwight: Stop.
Close your mouth.
Chlodwig: Honestly,
I tried to be nice.
Dwight: I hope
that makes sense, Agnet.
Agnet: Of course.
My prince wants
to be the hunter,
not the prey.
[door opens]
Dwight: [clears throat]
- What's amiss?
- Note.
My darling Chlodwig,
I have gone to orc territory
to meet certain death.
Chlodwig: Orc territory.
Dwight:
That's a bad place, right?
- Mm-hm.
Dwight: Know that
my final thoughts are of you,
Agnet.
Ouch.
Chlodwig: Orc territory is vast.
Who knows
where she could have gone.
Dwight: Oh, it looks like
she drew you a little map.
Dwight: How will we know
we're in orc territory?
Maybe a sign or something?
[a man singing]
Gretta: Sh.
[man continues
to sing in Italian]
[thwa-a-ang]
- Who goes there?
[birds calling]
Principessa,
and the champion boy.
Could it be fate?
Gretta: Uh!
Dwight: Hey, hey,
hey.
Jacopo, how you been man?
Chlodwig: You know this villain?
- Who do you call villain?
Gretta: You did try
to steal my throne.
Dwight: That was
a long time ago.
- I admit I tried and I failed.
I am bound by the rules
of chivalry.
Chlodwig: And by the rules
of chivalry,
release me from this tree,
I am a prince.
- Oh, why such a rush, eh?
You are too tense.
Your face is squished
like an angry little pig.
- How dare you, peasant!
- Fortune smiles
on the patient soul,
does she not?
Now, here we are,
together once more,
but this time, I am ready!
Ha!
Dwight: Dude.
You've been practicing.
- ì.
Grazie.
Chlodwig: Enough tomfoolery,
out of the way, juggling jester.
Jacopo: I do not jest,
piggy little prince.
Chlodwig: Ha!
[metal clanking]
[grunting]
Jacopo: I demand a rematch.
Dwight: Can he do that?
Gretta: By the rules
of chivalry,
Jacopo can demand
a single rematch.
Agnet: Help me!
Jacopo: What was that?
Chlodwig: With any luck,
a maiden being roasted by orcs.
Dwight: Dude!
- What maiden?
Agnet: Hello! Anybody?!
- The little blister,
I have half a mind
to let the orcs do their worst.
Jacopo: What kind
of prince are you?
A damsel cries out
in distress.
- Pfft.
- [sound of shock]
Dwight: So...
Agnet: Anybody?
Dwight: Jacopo,
are there any rules of chivalry
about a damsel in distress?
- Hundreds.
- There's no higher
expression of chivalry
than to give aid
to a damsel in distress.
- ì.
Agnet: Anyone!
Help me!
Gretta: But Prince Chlodwig
could easily save her.
Chlodwig: Ugh.
Dwight: Yeah, we're right
in the middle
of this bottle flip
rematch thing,
it's kind of important.
Gretta: Very important.
Dwight: Yeah.
Agnet: Help!
Help!
Help me!
- [grunt] The bottles can wait!
I will save the damsel,
you may go home,
pig-faced prince.
[Agnet screams]
Chlodwig: Pig- faced prince,
halt at once,
that is my damsel
and my rescue!
Jacopo: No, she is mine!
I call the dibs!
Agnet: Somebody help me!
[grunts]
Chlodwig: [growls] Agnet!
- Chlodwig!
Jacopo: Have no fear, maiden,
I have come to rescue you.
Agnet: Hurry!
The orcs are on their way.
Chlodwig: And the earth
is a big blue ball
circling a big yellow ball.
Dwight: Uh, Chlodwig--
Jacopo: I will have you free
in but a moment.
Chlodwig: I was here first,
you scully.
- You are a brute,
not worthy to rescue a maiden
so beautiful as she.
- [chuckles] Thank you.
- I will rescue
whatever maiden I choose,
beautiful or otherwise.
- Oh, I would like
to see you try.
- How in the world
did you hoist yourself up
in this net?
- I didn't.
- What do you mean?
Agnet: Well, I intended to tie
myself to yon tree
and wait for my prince
to come rescue me.
Jacopo: [background] your
squealing voice.
Chlodwig: [background] Oh
yes, he--
- Of course you did.
Agnet: But then I stepped
in this trap.
Gretta: Orcs.
- Let a real man save
the fair damsel.
Chlodwig: No one saves
the fair damsel but I.
[grunts]
- But how can you
when your nose is bleeding?
- My nose is not
bleeding, I don't--
Ah!
[thump]
[metal ringing]
Chlodwig: You blaggard!
Jacopo: Beautiful maiden,
behold your rescuer!
[fighting noises]
Agnet: Oh kind sirs,
I pray you do not fight over me.
[metal ringing]
Stop it.
Stop it, I say.
[fighting noises continue]
Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop,
stop,
stop it, I say.
[laughing]
[thump]
Jacopo: Here is a squeal.
- Oo.
Jacopo: Signorina bella,
you are safe now.
Dwight: I don't know
about safe.
Gretta: The orcs that set
this trap will be here
at any moment.
Jacopo: Then, fly away with me,
[kiss]
dolcezza.
- Anywhere, my prince.
- Come marry me.
Agnet: Oh, you are so noble,
so chivalrous,
and that accent.
- Oh, what about my accent?
Cara mia.
- [squeal and giggle]
Hurry my prince,
we are on a schedule today.
Jacopo: Goodbye
baby-faced monkey,
say hello to the fat man
and my favorite wrinkly lady.
Dwight: Will do!
Gretta: They are perfect
for each other.
Dwight: Right?
Chlodwig: I give it six months.
[laughing]
Chlodwig: My next song
will be a ballad
about my many deeds of valor.
I've just written
the first verse.
Dwight: Oh, no, no!
Um, don't spoil it for us.
Baldric: [sigh of exhaustion]
Gretta: Oh! Baldric!
Dwight: Hey.
[Baldric grunts]
Dwight: How did your
magician's guild assembly go?
Baldric: I know now
why they only hold it
once every five hundred years.
Oh.
Oh, ah.
Mm.
[crow cawing]
[spooky music]
[spooky music]
[metal ringing]
- Show yourself, pretender.
[footsteps]
Aldred: I am bound
to obey a tovenaar summons,
but you are no tovenaar.
I am the only remaining.
- No more.
♪
♪
[coughing]
[exhales]
- Not again.
Gretta: Did you remember
to pack your night clothes
and your socks?
Baldric: Yes, yes,
yes.
Gretta: And your tooth
cleaning brush?
- Everything is ready,
but this is folly.
I cannot go
and leave you unattended.
Gretta: Nonsense.
Prince Chlodwig and
Sir Dwight will attend to me.
Baldric: But, Highness...
Gretta: The assembly
of the magician's guild meets
once only every...
Baldric: Five hundred years.
- You must go.
- [frustrated sigh]
[door squeaks]
Dwight: Oh, hey Gretta,
hey Baldric.
You ready for your trip?
Baldric: Yes.
I must be off.
Dwight: You guys know
about this note
on the front of your door?
[door shuts]
Gretta: What note?
Oh, it's addressed
to you, Chlodwig.
- Is it?
- Hey man, soundin' good.
- My first performance
is tomorrow.
You will attend, Sir Dwight?
Dwight: Wouldn't miss it, buddy.
Baldric: I take my leave
of you, Highness.
Gretta: Good journey, Baldric.
- See you Thursday.
Have fun.
Baldric: Protect the princess
with your very life,
nay your very soul.
Dwight: Will do.
[slap]
[grunt]
Chlodwig: 'Tis a challenge,
written in most rude language.
Gretta: What manner
of challenge?
Chlodwig: I've been called
out to defend my title
as champion of the hammer throw.
- By whom?
Chlodwig: It doesn't say,
but the contest is
at mid-day.
I must be off at once.
Dwight: Hey, hang on,
we promised Baldric
that we'd stay with Gretta.
Gretta: And so you shall.
We shall all go
to the contest.
I do so love a hammer throw.
Chlodwig: Brilliant.
Baldric couldn't possibly
object to a brief excursion
into the woods.
- Uh.
- Oh, don't be such
a mubble-fubble, Sir Dwight.
[smack]
We promised we'd stay together,
and so we will.
Let's away.
- [sigh]
[theme music]
Dwight: Okay, so
about a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta.
And she was in big trouble
because she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
♪
So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell
with his kiss,
and deal with Gretta's
big, scary enemies.
But that guy, never showed up.
Instead...
Ah!
[kiss]
they got me.
♪
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
[thwacking]
Dwight: Are you sure you know
where you're going?
Chlodwig:
The challenge was clear,
we're to meet
upon the great knoll,
just north of the muddy peat,
two furlongs
from the brambly oak.
- It's almost mid-day.
- We must make haste.
Dwight: I can't make
much more haste, man.
Oh.
Uh.
Chlodwig: There,
the brambly oaks.
[bird calls]
[crunch]
Dwight: Ah!
[crash]
[coughing]
Dwight: What?
Is everybody okay?
[coughing]
Dwight: [screaming]
Snakes!
Snakes everywhere!
[screaming]
- They're not poisonous.
Dwight: How do you know?
That one there,
that one looks poisonous.
What is it?
Red touches black,
you're dead Jack,
or yellow touches red,
you're dead Fred?
[thwap]
Ah!
Dwight: What?
Agnet: Oh, dear me.
Poor, hapless soul,
wherefore art thou
at the bottom
of this deep pit full of snakes?
Chlodwig: Oh no.
It's her.
Dwight: Hey there,
is this your rope thing?
- 'Tis a braid of hair.
Agnet: Is that you,
Prince Chlodwig?
[Dwight yelping]
- Agnet!
- Oh! My darling.
Chlodwig: You go too far.
[Dwight making
panicked noises]
Agnet: There are no lengths
I wouldn't go for you,
my love.
- Who is this maiden?
Chlodwig: The scourge
of my life,
the bane of my existence.
- I've come to rescue you.
Dwight: Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Chlodwig: Absolutely no.
Agnet: Absolutely yes.
I shall save you from this pit
of deadly snakes.
Gretta: Deadly?
- Very deadly.
- Red touches black,
you're dead, Jack.
Agnet: Chlodwig, my sweet,
simply grab hold
of my long, luscious braid
and pull yourself out
of the pit to safety.
- I love this plan.
Agnet: That we may be married
and live happily ever after.
Chlodwig: I will never
marry you, Agnet.
[thwap]
Dwight: Maybe dump the girl
after we get out
of this snake pit?
- But you are
my prince charming.
Gretta: The snakes
are growing restless.
Stabilize your head, maiden.
We are climbing up.
- Is that a girl?
- I am
Princess Gretta the Besieged.
Agnet: [gasp] Gretta?
Ugh, why did you bring Gretta?
Unhand my braid,
this is a plan for my prince,
not for you.
Dwight: Wait, you,
you planned this?
- See, see how much I love you?
Chlodwig: She is out
of her tiny mind.
You cannot believe,
was it you who sent this
challenge of the hammer throw
on the great knoll?
- It was.
Gretta: And filled this pit
with deadly snakes?
- Oh yes.
- And got us to fall into it?
- All to prove my love
for you, my darling prince.
Dwight: Wow.
You think about the logistics
of actually pulling this off--
Chlodwig: What kind
of a lunatic
would imperil someone's life
to prove their love?
Agnet: Chlodwig, my sweet,
start climbing,
we are on a schedule today.
Chlodwig: I suggest instead
that we live out our lives
down here.
'Tis a comfortable pit
of ample size
and well- stocked
with snake meat.
- [sigh]
- Mm.
[exhales]
- Ow!
Ow.
[crash]
[coughing]
- This, this is all your fault.
- My fault?
Agnet: Yes, you, and
your immense poundage.
[Agnet screaming]
[Agnet and Dwight screaming]
Gretta: Get off me!
Agnet: You have made
a vile mess
of my perfectly lovely plan.
Dwight: What exactly was
your perfectly lovely plan?
Agnet: Oh, well the handsome
prince climbs up
the beautiful maiden's hair.
Dwight: Woo!
Agnet: The way it happens
in all my books.
Chlodwig:
Of all the potty ideas.
Agnet: But this ton
of princess has gone
and ruined everything
and now we shall all die
of snakebite.
Gretta: I think not!
Agnet: Oh,
ah,
oh.
Ah!
[squeals]
My hair!
Gretta: [grunt]
Dwight: Nice.
[grunting]
- Okay, I'm out.
Ah!
[grunting]
[coughing]
Agnet: Chlodwig, my sweet,
now that we are free
from the snake pit,
we may move on
to the wedding plans.
- Agnet,
I would sooner marry
the snake named Jack!
Dwight: Dude, come on!
That was kinda harsh.
Agnet: You!
You spoiled my snake pit, you,
you mangled my hair,
do you have any idea how long
it took me to grow this braid?
Gretta: Lay a hand on me,
you lunatic,
and I'll chop it off.
Dwight: No, no, she won't.
- [growls]
Dwight: No, you won't.
Agnet: Why does Chlodwig love
you so, you horrid princess.
Gretta: He doesn't love me.
- He doesn't?
- No, no, he doesn't.
Listen, Agnet.
Chlodwig is
a complicated guy,
with a lot of deep feelings
that are sometimes hard
to express.
- [sighs]
Oh, do keep talking
about Chlodwig.
He is my favorite subject.
Dwight: Well, here's the thing
about Chlodwig.
He just sees you as a friend.
- A friend?
Dwight: Yeah.
Hey, there will come a time
when you realize
that this was for the best.
- So, my prince--
Dwight:
Is still out there, Agnet.
He's waiting for you
to find him
and he's hoping you
won't give up on him.
[bird call]
- I understand.
Dwight: Good.
Yeah, great.
Great.
Chin up, off you go!
Best of luck.
Best foot forward,
go get 'em tiger.
Gretta: Goodbye.
Dwight: Oh!
Bye.
- [giggles]
Gretta: Oh.
Dwight: Hey man.
Chlodwig: You are just
in time.
I believe I follow the man
with the embarrassingly
puny mandolin.
[ukulele plays]
M. C.: Let's give Liam
here a big hand.
[applause]
- All right, next up,
please welcome Chodwedge.
Chlodwig: Ah, 'tis my moment.
Gretta: Hm.
- I dedicate this song
to Princess Gretta,
my former betrothed,
and to Sir Dwight,
my brother in the order
of Guy Club.
Dwight: Woo!
[mandolin plays]
- ♪ Mommy promised you to me, ♪
♪ but I had to set you free, ♪
♪ so I did, ♪
♪ and wrote this poem
to sing to other girls ♪
♪ once I know 'em. ♪
♪ Gretta, Gretta,
you were my love, ♪
♪ my cousin, my quest. ♪
♪ Gretta, Gretta,
Gretta, ♪
♪ it's over now and
for the best. ♪
♪ Gretta, Gretta,
Gretta, Gretta, ♪
♪ you were my looooooooove. ♪
[exhales]
Thank you.
[applause]
Dwight: Yeah.
Yeah, come on.
M.C.: Okay, awesome.
Uh, uh, next up
let's welcome Agnet.
[blasting on bagpipe]
- ♪ I was a beautiful
maiden in a tower ♪
♪ that was guarded
by a troll. ♪
[bagpipe blast]
♪ The troll did not let me leave
the tower, never. ♪
♪ Not once in my entire life,
just me by myself in a tower. ♪
♪ It was exceedingly boring. ♪
[bagpipe blast]
♪ Until one day
my prince came ♪
♪ and left the troll unconscious
and set me free. ♪
[bagpipe blast]
♪ Chlodwig, I will never give up
on our love, never, ♪
♪ never, never, never, never. ♪
[bagpipe blast]
Thank you.
[tepid applause]
[slap]
M. C.: Uh, uh--
[bagpipe moaning]
That's uh, that's gonna be
a tough act to follow.
Agnet: Did you--
[all gasp]
love the love song
I wrote for you, my prince?
Would you like
to get married now?
- Not now,
not ever Agnet.
Agnet: Oh, fluffy stuff.
If there is one thing a maiden
in a tower must learn
it is patience.
You have to kiss
a lot of frogs
before the frog you want
wants to marry
[slap] you.
- You kiss frogs?
Agnet: A maiden must do
what a maiden must do.
[gasp]
[magical sounds]
Gretta: Chlodwig!
Dwight: He's a frog!
[ribbit]
- One kiss from me
and he will be back
to his handsome self,
and much more ready
to get married.
[ribbit]
[ribbit]
Agnet: [gasp] No,
no, no, no, no.
- Chlodwig!
Agnet: No! No!
He's my prince!
No! No!
He's mine.
[ribbit]
Chlodwig!
My love!
Gretta: Chlodwig!
[thump]
[ribbit]
Dwight: I am so sorry.
Are you okay?
[girls fighting]
Mr. Dale?
[crow caws]
Mr. Dale: Do you see that crow?
Gretta: Chlodwig!
Dwight: Yeah.
Mr. Dale: So,
you would say it's real.
It's a real crow!
Dwight: Mr. Dale, are you okay?
- It's following me,
everywhere I go.
I have to get home.
It's almost dark.
And I have no idea what
happens when it's dark.
[cawing]
Dwight: Uh- huh.
Mr. Dale: We have tampered
with dark forces
that will be our undoing.
[ribbit]
Agnet: Oh! Dang it!
Give me my Frogwig back.
Gretta: You do not seriously
intend to kiss this?
[ribbit]
- Ew.
Chlodwig:
Off with your foul lips!
- But I--
Dwight: Look,
I think what Chlodwig is
trying to say is--
Chlodwig: I find you hideous.
Dwight: It's not you.
Chlodwig: It is you.
Dwight: He's just not looking
for a relationship right now.
Chlodwig: Because
you are grotesque.
Dwight: If he's being
completely honest,
he's not into girls
that put his life in danger.
Chlodwig: Especially
when they are
heinously disgusting.
Dwight: Stop.
Close your mouth.
Chlodwig: Honestly,
I tried to be nice.
Dwight: I hope
that makes sense, Agnet.
Agnet: Of course.
My prince wants
to be the hunter,
not the prey.
[door opens]
Dwight: [clears throat]
- What's amiss?
- Note.
My darling Chlodwig,
I have gone to orc territory
to meet certain death.
Chlodwig: Orc territory.
Dwight:
That's a bad place, right?
- Mm-hm.
Dwight: Know that
my final thoughts are of you,
Agnet.
Ouch.
Chlodwig: Orc territory is vast.
Who knows
where she could have gone.
Dwight: Oh, it looks like
she drew you a little map.
Dwight: How will we know
we're in orc territory?
Maybe a sign or something?
[a man singing]
Gretta: Sh.
[man continues
to sing in Italian]
[thwa-a-ang]
- Who goes there?
[birds calling]
Principessa,
and the champion boy.
Could it be fate?
Gretta: Uh!
Dwight: Hey, hey,
hey.
Jacopo, how you been man?
Chlodwig: You know this villain?
- Who do you call villain?
Gretta: You did try
to steal my throne.
Dwight: That was
a long time ago.
- I admit I tried and I failed.
I am bound by the rules
of chivalry.
Chlodwig: And by the rules
of chivalry,
release me from this tree,
I am a prince.
- Oh, why such a rush, eh?
You are too tense.
Your face is squished
like an angry little pig.
- How dare you, peasant!
- Fortune smiles
on the patient soul,
does she not?
Now, here we are,
together once more,
but this time, I am ready!
Ha!
Dwight: Dude.
You've been practicing.
- ì.
Grazie.
Chlodwig: Enough tomfoolery,
out of the way, juggling jester.
Jacopo: I do not jest,
piggy little prince.
Chlodwig: Ha!
[metal clanking]
[grunting]
Jacopo: I demand a rematch.
Dwight: Can he do that?
Gretta: By the rules
of chivalry,
Jacopo can demand
a single rematch.
Agnet: Help me!
Jacopo: What was that?
Chlodwig: With any luck,
a maiden being roasted by orcs.
Dwight: Dude!
- What maiden?
Agnet: Hello! Anybody?!
- The little blister,
I have half a mind
to let the orcs do their worst.
Jacopo: What kind
of prince are you?
A damsel cries out
in distress.
- Pfft.
- [sound of shock]
Dwight: So...
Agnet: Anybody?
Dwight: Jacopo,
are there any rules of chivalry
about a damsel in distress?
- Hundreds.
- There's no higher
expression of chivalry
than to give aid
to a damsel in distress.
- ì.
Agnet: Anyone!
Help me!
Gretta: But Prince Chlodwig
could easily save her.
Chlodwig: Ugh.
Dwight: Yeah, we're right
in the middle
of this bottle flip
rematch thing,
it's kind of important.
Gretta: Very important.
Dwight: Yeah.
Agnet: Help!
Help!
Help me!
- [grunt] The bottles can wait!
I will save the damsel,
you may go home,
pig-faced prince.
[Agnet screams]
Chlodwig: Pig- faced prince,
halt at once,
that is my damsel
and my rescue!
Jacopo: No, she is mine!
I call the dibs!
Agnet: Somebody help me!
[grunts]
Chlodwig: [growls] Agnet!
- Chlodwig!
Jacopo: Have no fear, maiden,
I have come to rescue you.
Agnet: Hurry!
The orcs are on their way.
Chlodwig: And the earth
is a big blue ball
circling a big yellow ball.
Dwight: Uh, Chlodwig--
Jacopo: I will have you free
in but a moment.
Chlodwig: I was here first,
you scully.
- You are a brute,
not worthy to rescue a maiden
so beautiful as she.
- [chuckles] Thank you.
- I will rescue
whatever maiden I choose,
beautiful or otherwise.
- Oh, I would like
to see you try.
- How in the world
did you hoist yourself up
in this net?
- I didn't.
- What do you mean?
Agnet: Well, I intended to tie
myself to yon tree
and wait for my prince
to come rescue me.
Jacopo: [background] your
squealing voice.
Chlodwig: [background] Oh
yes, he--
- Of course you did.
Agnet: But then I stepped
in this trap.
Gretta: Orcs.
- Let a real man save
the fair damsel.
Chlodwig: No one saves
the fair damsel but I.
[grunts]
- But how can you
when your nose is bleeding?
- My nose is not
bleeding, I don't--
Ah!
[thump]
[metal ringing]
Chlodwig: You blaggard!
Jacopo: Beautiful maiden,
behold your rescuer!
[fighting noises]
Agnet: Oh kind sirs,
I pray you do not fight over me.
[metal ringing]
Stop it.
Stop it, I say.
[fighting noises continue]
Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop,
stop,
stop it, I say.
[laughing]
[thump]
Jacopo: Here is a squeal.
- Oo.
Jacopo: Signorina bella,
you are safe now.
Dwight: I don't know
about safe.
Gretta: The orcs that set
this trap will be here
at any moment.
Jacopo: Then, fly away with me,
[kiss]
dolcezza.
- Anywhere, my prince.
- Come marry me.
Agnet: Oh, you are so noble,
so chivalrous,
and that accent.
- Oh, what about my accent?
Cara mia.
- [squeal and giggle]
Hurry my prince,
we are on a schedule today.
Jacopo: Goodbye
baby-faced monkey,
say hello to the fat man
and my favorite wrinkly lady.
Dwight: Will do!
Gretta: They are perfect
for each other.
Dwight: Right?
Chlodwig: I give it six months.
[laughing]
Chlodwig: My next song
will be a ballad
about my many deeds of valor.
I've just written
the first verse.
Dwight: Oh, no, no!
Um, don't spoil it for us.
Baldric: [sigh of exhaustion]
Gretta: Oh! Baldric!
Dwight: Hey.
[Baldric grunts]
Dwight: How did your
magician's guild assembly go?
Baldric: I know now
why they only hold it
once every five hundred years.
Oh.
Oh, ah.
Mm.
[crow cawing]
[spooky music]
[spooky music]
[metal ringing]
- Show yourself, pretender.
[footsteps]
Aldred: I am bound
to obey a tovenaar summons,
but you are no tovenaar.
I am the only remaining.
- No more.
♪