Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 2, Episode 8 - Invincible - full transcript

Dwight: Previously
on Dwight in Shining Armor.

- I need something.

It belongs to a friend of mine

and I think
it might have ended up here

in this secret chamber.

- What is it?

- It's hard to describe,

but it's in a stone box
with this emblem on it.

[leaves scraping]

- There you go.

[grating stone]



- Empty!

- Unhand my scepter, you thief.

[magical swirling wind]

Don't!

[blorp]

- How long do we have?

Baldric: Difficult to say,
Your Highness.

Chlodwig: Weeks? Days?

Hexela: More likely hours.

Dwight: Before what?

Gretta: Before Sir Aldred
is back.

[blub, blub]

[suspenseful music]

[knob clatters to the floor]



[drawers opening
and shutting]

[Bop-It noises]

- Sh! Sh!

[loud crash]

Wenzo: Silence!

[banging]

[Bop-It continues briefly
then stops]

[rummaging]

Baldric: HALT!

Thief!

[yell]

[fighting]

[thud]

Baldric: Ha, ha, ha.

[gasping]

Baldric: You!

[thwap]

Baldric: [yells]

[electric crash]

Gretta: [convulsive noises]

[grunts]

Did you see that?

- Most strange.

Quickly.

We leave at first light.

Gretta: Whither?

- The woods.

[theme music]

Dwight: Okay, so about
a thousand years ago,

there was this princess, Gretta.

And she was in big trouble

because she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.

So her court magician,
Baldric cast the champion spell.

It put everyone in the woods
to sleep

until a champion would come
break the spell with his kiss

and deal with
Gretta's big, scary enemies.

That guy never showed up.

Ah!

Instead...

[kissing noise]

they got me.

♪

Ah!

♪

Ow!

♪

♪

Dwight: Guys we should
just call the police

or maybe contact
the neighborhood watch,

whoever broke
into your house.

Gretta: We know who broke
into our house.

Dwight: You do?

Baldric: His name
is Wenzo Thief.

Gretta: He comes
from a long line of cut-purses,

pickpockets, and burglars.

Dwight: Well,
with a last name like Thief,

what more can you really do?

Baldric: The last time
I saw Wenzo Thief,

he was leaping
from the window

of the great hall.

It was on a night
of a new moon.

Dark as pitch,

just days before our castle
came under siege.

Wenzo Thief broke
into the castle,

but he was discovered
by the royal guards.

We chased him into
the great hall where he jumped

from the window and escaped
into the woods.

I personally conducted
an inventory

of the castle's valuables
but nothing was missing.

Dwight: So, the guy breaks
into your castle,

runs from the royal guards,
throws himself out of a window

and he doesn't take anything?

Gretta: So it appears.

Dwight: Then what happened?

Baldric: Our castle came
under siege.

Gretta: All
of my royal guards fled.

Baldric: Cowards.

Gretta: Baldric cast
the champion spell.

Baldric: And we all fell asleep
for a thousand years.

Gretta: Then you fell on me
and you kissed me.

- On accident.

- All who were under
the champion spell awakened.

Gretta: We moved
into the village.

Dwight: Yeah, all right, I think
we're all up to speed now.

Baldric: I don't find any
of that unsettling.

Dwight: I find pretty much
all of that unsettling.

Baldric: How did Wenzo Thief
come to be wearing

a Quiet Friar's robe?

Dwight: A what?

Baldric: A Quiet Friar's robe.

Dwight: I'm sorry those words
don't mean anything.

Gretta: The robe
that Wenzo Thief was wearing

that made him invincible
to all of our weapons.

They are worn only
by the Quiet Friars.

Dwight: And who are
the Quiet Friars?

Baldric: Finally!

Finally, ah, finally
we have arrived.

Dwight: Oh. Nice.

Here we are.

- Insplinkt hatvandoon
inyorwegonda!

[magical noise]

[noise intensifies]

Ha, ha, ha.

Your Highness, Sir Dwight,
welcome to the Quiet Friary.

Ha, ha.

- 'Kay.

[bagpipe-like music plays]

Dwight: What is this place?

Gretta: The home
of the Quiet Friars.

Dwight: And who are
the Quiet Friars?

Ah!

- Friar Siggy!

[Baldric laughing]

Baldric translating:
Look at you, all grown up.

Who is this?

- Allow me to present
Sir Dwight,

my champion.

Baldric translating:
This gaping codfish?

- The very same.

Baldric translating:
This twitchy, little muskrat.

- Does anyone mind
if we skip this part?

- Well, he...

- We need your help
Friar Siggy.

Baldric translating:
What danger do you flee?

Trolls?

Fairies?

Ah, brain-eating cannibals?

Gretta: No danger.

We come seeking answers.

- [clears throat]
Gretta, just to be clear,

the friars are quiet
because...

- They have taken a vow
of silence.

- Well, yeah, but...

Baldric: [clears his throat]
Most reverent friars,

our hearts leap with joy
to see you all again.

How fondly we remember the
months we spent among you,

hiding
from the rampaging draugar.

When you guarded us
with your impenetrable walls

and shielded us
with your invincible robes.

We now come with a new fear
in our hearts.

Tell us,

has one of your Quiet Friar
robes recently gone missing?

- Did you see the thief
who stole it?

[frantic scribbling]

Gretta: That's him!

Wenzo Thief.

- Expertly drawn
Friar Frody.

Gretta: Is that the thief
that stole the invincible robe?

Baldric: Can you tell us
what happened?

Oh.

Gretta: Oh dear.

[joints cracking]

Baldric: Yes, apparently they're
still as competitive as ever,

I can see.

Dwight: Oh, I'm on a team?

Okay.

Baldric: All right,
he's just walking along.

Dwight: You're drawing,

no, that's what you're doing,

you're um,

those are squiggles,

um, you were in the forest.

You were in the forest.

Baldric: Forest, good one.

All right, and you're...

- [stammering]

Baldric: And
you're picking something,

getting crops...

- He's gathering.

Baldric: Ah!

Gathering, gathering.

What are you gathering...

You're gathering...

Gretta: Gathering...

Baldric: Gathering...

Oh! Poop!

- Baguettes?

- Sticks!

Gathering sticks!

Baldric: Oh yes, I s that now.

Oh, he's standing
because he has--

he's lost weight.

Gretta: A man!

- It was a guy,
uh, a person.

No.

Oh! Wenzo Thief!

Baldric and Gretta: Oh, oh!

Baldric: Of course, yes.

Oh, and he fell down,

he's on his knees,

he's having a heart attack.

Dwight: Oh no, he was a--

Gretta: Begging for help!

He was begging for help.

- Oh. Yeah.

Um, he was,

he was doing yoga, squats,

he's working out.

Oh, no, he was running.

Baldric: A monster.

- Someone was chasing him!

Baldric: Oh, yes, yes.

Dwight: Someone's chasing him.

Baldric: Someone's after him!

Gretta: Toy soldier.

Baldric: Chased by who?

Someone with a strap
on their shoulder.

Dwight: Uh, uh, Tin Man!

Baldric: Marching back
and forth--

The royal guard,
the royal guard,

the royal guard!

Baldric and Gretta: [rejoicing]

Gretta: He said he had stolen
nothing from the castle.

Baldric: So you gave him
sanctuary here,

in the Quiet Friary.

And everything was quiet
for many days.

Dwight: The royal guards
couldn't find Wenzo Thief

so they gave up and went home.

Gretta: And that's when Wenzo
Thief showed his true colors.

- He turned
into a blob monster!

It's a-- It's a blob monster.

Baldric: Nope, nope, nope.

No, no, no.

He took it,

he took something.

He took something.

Gretta: [gasps]

A Quiet Friar's robe!

Baldric: Yes, yes!

Gretta: Yes!

Baldric and Gretta: [laugh]

Baldric: Good one.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

- Sorry.

[pen clatters to floor]

- [clears throat]

But why?

Gretta: Who wouldn't want
a robe of invincibility?

- Oh, when you put it like that.

Baldric: The more troubling
question is this,

why is Wenzo Thief
come back now?

- You said
he was looking for something

in your house.

Baldric: Mm.

- Probably the same thing
he was looking for

when he broke into your castle.

- But what?

Baldric: Well, whatever it is,
he hasn't found it.

Which means...

Gretta: He'll be back.

Dwight: Come here!

You guys are the best.

Let's do this again soon, okay?

Baldric translating:
The Quiet Friar's robe

is invincible
against all weapons

except the shears used to cut it

and the needle
used to stitch it.

Take these weapons,

and use them
to defeat Wenzo Thief.

Gretta: We shall.

And you have my word,

we will return to you
your Quiet Friar's robe.

Dwight: Everybody, jazz hands!

[fork scrapes on plate]

Dwight: Are you sure
Mr. Thief is watching us?

Baldric: Without doubt.

He bides his time and
awaits his chance to strike.

Gretta: A chance
we will give him tonight.

- Mm.

Dwight: Guys, what's with
all the hay bales?

Gretta: Insulation.

Baldric:
The nights are getting chilly.

- You know you can just
turn the thermostat up, right?

[knocking]

Baldric: Ah, finally.

- Baldric!

If you think I'm at your beck
and call, then you are not--

- AH, DO COME IN,

WE'RE ALMOST READY TO GO
TO THE MOVIE SPECTACLE

TO BE ENTERTAINED
FOR 90 MINUTES.

[door slams]

Hexela: Movie spectacle?

Baldric: [angrily] What took
you so long, madame?

Hexela: [angrily] Would you
care to rephrase yourself, sir!

Dwight: Thanks for coming.

We know
you're a buswitch lady.

Hexela: [sweetly] Never too busy
to help a friend,

even if that friend is
an ungrateful oaf

with the manners of a warthog.

Baldric: [growls]

Hexela: [hisses]

- We need your help.

- You so often do--

- To set a trap
for a thief.

- What thief?

- Wenzo Thief.

- That's actually his name.

- Ah, yes,
I know the Thiefs.

They're thiefs,
every one of them.

Baldric: This Thief wants
to steal something

from this house.

Hexela: What?

Gretta: Well, that is what
we hope to learn tonight.

Baldric: Did you bring
the tent?

- The tent?

- I did,

but I'm a working witch
with bills to pay,

and nails to keep pretty.

Baldric: What's your price?

[suspenseful music]

- Rub this turtle.

- Uh.

Baldric: That's it?

Hexela: Yes.

- Why?

Hexela: Why not?

Speak some flattering words
to it.

- Pardon?

- The turtle.

Butter him up!

- Aren't you
a handsome little guy.

Gretta: And
of such regal bearing.

Baldric: What a pleasantly
smooth shell you have.

Hexela: [sniffs]

That'll do.

There.

I shudder to think
what you'd do without me...

Baldric.

- I'm still a little fuzzy
on the plan.

Gretta: We go to the movies.

[door opens]

- LET US DEPART,
YOUR HIGHNESS.

Gretta: LEAD ON
MY TRUSTY MAGICIAN,

QUICKLY LEST
WE MISS THE PREVIEWS.

Hexela: AND I SHALL BUY
THE CORN THAT POPS.

Dwight: So if we're not going
to the movies,

then what's the plan?

Baldric: Make haste.

Dwight: Ah.

- Oh.

Dwight: Uh, [laughs]

That is so freaky cool.

[door handle jiggles]

Gretta: Hide.

Dwight: [grunt]

Dwight: [grunt]

- Ya, cha, cha.

Ya, cha, cha.

Ya, cha, ya, cha,

CHA!

Baldric: Hold!

Gretta: Sir Dwight, catch!

- Ow!

[fighting grunts]

Gretta: Ha!

- Wenzo Thief.

- Hello.

Didn't think anyone was home.

Gretta: You have been pinned
to the table

by invincible shears.

- Oh, is that what those are.

Gretta: Yield villain,
or Sir Dwight will...

do you bodily injury
with his invincible needle.

Dwight: Um.

Gretta.

I lost the invincible needle.

Gretta: What?

Where?

Dwight: Literally
in a haystack.

- A Quiet Friar's robe.

Baldric: Stolen
by this shameless thief.

And after
they gave you sanctuary!

- I was thinking
about giving it back.

- Oh, oh.

Wenzo: I just needed it
to finish this one job.

Gretta: Well,
you have failed Wenzo Thief.

Baldric: Hand over
your booty.

Dwight: His what?

- Happy to oblige.
your booty.

- You are?

- I'm a thief, not a martyr.

[ominous music]

- What is it?

- A tovenaar relic.

Dwight: Ha!

Found it!

All right Mr. Thief,

your invincible robes got
nothin' on my invincible needle

so start talking.

- Yes,
I would be all too pleased.

Do you think you could unpin me
from this table?

All: No.

- And what
a comfortable table it is.

- Where did you get this?

- I am a Thief
from a long line of Thiefs.

My father, Bozo Thief, was hired

to break into
Your Highness's castle

and steal that relic.

- Your father?

- Bozo?

- Alas, he was hanged
as a thief

before he could do the job.

- That's terrible.

- Such is the fate
of we thieves.

My father, my grandfather,
his second wife, her stepmum,

all hanged
from the same yew tree.

They call it Thief Tree.

I'll most likely swing
from it myself one day.

- [murmuring assent]

Dwight: Or you could just
stop stealing stuff.

Hexela: Bozo Thief was hanged
from Thief Tree.

- Like all good Thiefs.

- Mm.

Then why were you the one
to steal this relic?

Wenzo: Well,
the client paid in advance

and we had already
drunk away the money,

so the job fell to me.

[labored breathing]

I scaled the castle walls
like a spider.

And entered the castle

[grunting]

with the grace of a cat.

[yells]

[crashing]

My instructions were
to find a secret chamber

deep in the bowels
of the castle.

I hid by day,

and I searched the castle
by night,

with the stealth of a,

of a,

what's a real stealthy animal
only comes out at night?

- A vampire.

Gretta: A wolf?

Baldric: An owl?

Dwight: A racoon?

- A lynx.

All: Ah..

Dwight: Yeah, that's right.

Wenzo: So, I'm stalking around
like a lynx, right,

until I found
the secret chamber.

I knew where to look,

but though my flight was
light-footed as a fox,

the royal guards discovered me.

[heavy breathing]

No, no, no, no.

I knew if I was found
with the relic, I would--

Gretta: Swing
from Thief Tree?

Wenzo: Yes.

I'm not quite ready for that,
so I hid my booty instead.

- Your what?

Baldric: You climbed to the
window and leapt--

- Like a tiger.

- Out of the castle
to escape into the woods.

- Then what happened?

- The Quiet Friars hid me
from the royal guards.

- You stole
a Quiet Friar's robe.

- Anyway,

I was walking back
to the castle

when I unaccountably
and uncontrollably

fell sound asleep.

- The champion spell.

Wenzo: When I awoke,
your castle was in ruins.

After months of tracking you
like a panther,

I finally found you here.

Baldric: And you broke in
last night.

- Yes,
and then you recognized me.

Gretta: And we went
to the Quiet Friary

and got the invincible
shears and needle.

- And then Baldric
called me and asked me

to bring my tent.

Gretta: We set our trap.

Baldric: You broke in again.

- Guys, we were all here
for this part.

Baldric and Gretta: Oh.

- So...

now you know all.

- Not quite, Mr. Thief.

Who hired you to steal
this relic?

- Oh.

That I cannot say, m'lady.

Dwight: 'Cause
you don't know?

- Because he will cut out
my tongue

and feed it to the ravens.

- [disgusted noise]

- Oh, okay.

Well, nobody wants that.

- Uh-uh.

Here's what I propose.

You unfasten me
from this table

and then I will just skulk off
into the night like a--

- Skunk!

- Uh, badger,

I was gonna say badger.

Baldric: No, I think skunk.

- Look,
you can keep the little trinket,

I won't say anything,

you won't say anything,

it'll be our little secret.

- And what of your client?

- My problem, not yours.

- Well, I'm off.

Pockets to pick.

Houses to burgle.

Dwight: You know, man,

you're a smart guy
with a skillset.

Maybe you should think
about getting out

of the thief business.

You know,

maybe then you wouldn't have
to swing from Thief Tree.

Wenzo: [laughs briefly]

But I'm Wenzo Thief.

Dwight: Well, maybe
you could be Wenzo Architect,

or Wenzo Grocery Checker,
Wenzo Attorney-at-Law.

You got choices, man.

Wenzo: I'm Wenzo Thief.

- Just something
to think about.

Wenzo: And now I slip softly
into the night, like a bat.

[crash]

Sorry.

[door opens and shuts]

Gretta: Baldric, please return
this to the Quiet Friary.

Baldric: Of course, Highness.

Gretta: [sighs]
And what of this?

Hexela: I know a safe place.

[ominous music]

♪

♪

♪

[key turns]

[key locks]

Hexela: [exhales]

Baldric: You put yourself
at terrible risk, Hexela.

Surely we can find
another place to--

Hexela: Secure a tovenaar relic?

This one and all the others
must never see the light of day.

- Wenzo Schoolmarm, no,

Wenzo Wheat-Farmer?

Hmm, no.

Wenzo Canine-Companion, yes,

though I think they call it
doggy daycare now.

[forest sounds]

- Uh.

Sir Aldred of Westfold.

Well met.

- Wenzo Thief,

I paid you handsomely
for a simple burglary.

Wenzo: I found the castle
and the secret chamber

and the stone box,
just as you instructed.

Sir Aldred: I've been there
myself and found nothing.

Please tell me it was you
that stole the relic

before I could.

Wenzo: Alas, no,

when I opened the crypt
it was empty.

Sir Aldred: As I feared.

The relic is long gone.

Wenzo: Awfully disappointing.

Sir Aldred:
But I am optimistic.

Wenzo: You are?

Sir Aldred: To a fault.

This relic is lost to me,
but my hopes remain high,

for there are others.

[loud construction]

[ominous music]

♪

♪

[creaking]

Man: [exhales]

[high-pitched ringing]

[whimpering]

♪