Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 2, Episode 7 - Queen Tree - full transcript
When a young woodcutter starts chopping down trees without permission, Gretta rallies her friends to stop him before he cuts down the Queen Tree, the princess' mother who was turned into a magnificent oak by enchantment. Unfortunately Chlodwig makes their mission much more difficult when he decides to become a matchmaker.
Dwight: So here's pretty much
everything you need to know.
Baldric: This is Emelian,
the son of the royal woodcutter.
Gretta: And the first boy
I ever loved.
Dwight: This is the tree
you guys want to cut down?
Gretta: I will kill any man
who touches this tree!
It's...
Baldric: Her mother.
Emelian: I swear
to protect the queen
with my life
until the end of my days.
Gretta: I dub thee,
knights of the realm,
and protectors of the queen.
[peaceful music]
♪
[kick stand going down]
[contemplative music]
♪
[terrifying roar]
- Uff.
Ah!
- Sir Dwight?
- [weak voice]
Hey Emelian.
Emelian: [grunt]
I beg your forgiveness.
I mistook you for--
Dwight: A rival woodcutter,
I know.
- Sir Dwight!
Well, how goes peasant school?
Dwight: Uh, you know,
it goes okay.
Everybody misses you.
Your lab partners in biology
are getting' kinda concerned.
Emelian: Dad!
[liquid spilling]
Yoska: Son, I found another.
Emelian: No.
- Another?
- What's amiss?
Yoska: This makes three.
- Three of what?
- Oak trees, Your Highness.
Emelian: Who would do
such a thing?
- No honest woodcutter.
- Okay, what are
we talking about here?
- Some monster is
cutting down the ancient oaks.
- Like an actual monster,
monster?
Yoska: No, just cutting them
down leaving them to rot.
It's senseless.
To fell an ancient tree
is sin enough,
but for no purpose.
- What if
there is a purpose?
You two weren't
the only woodcutters
who sought this tree.
Dwight: So, you think whoever's
out there in the woods
killing the oak trees,
is looking for...
What's the plan, Gretta?
- I am going
to find the killer
before they find my mother.
[ominous music]
[theme music]
Dwight: Okay, so
out a thousand years ago
there was this princess, Gretta.
And she was in big trouble
because she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician,
Baldric cast the champion spell.
Put everyone
in the woods to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with
Gretta's big, scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Instead...
Ah!
[kiss]
Dwight: they got me.
♪
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
♪
Dwight: All right,
[grunt] got everything!
And, 12 minutes ahead
of schedule.
Emelian: What have you there?
- The ultimate
wilderness survivor pack,
forest edition.
Emelian: [sigh] All right.
- 'Kay.
- Sir Dwight,
seeing as you are
the princess's champion,
are you close
to her thoughts?
- Uh...
Emelian: [grunt] Ah.
- Sir Emelian!
Dwight: Dude, you okay?
- Yeah, no harm done.
Dwight: Oh, that is going
to require immediate attention.
Emelian: It's just a scratch.
- This is why
I am first aid certified.
All right.
Let's see what we got in here.
[snap]
[inaudible]
Dwight: Can you hold that?
Just like that.
Whoa, hey, calm down.
Let's practice our breathing.
[breathing deeply]
Slow down that blood flow.
[rip]
Antibiotic, sting-free,
wound-cleansing wipes.
Emelian: I'd hardly call it
a wound.
Dwight: Sorry, does that hurt?
Emelian: Did what hurt?
- Okay.
Aerosol-free, antiseptic spray
promotes natural blood-clotting.
[spritzing]
Just keep arching your back,
just all the way, like, mm.
Great, okay.
[gagging]
And boy, yep, that's a doozy.
All right, and, ta da!
- Are those cats?
Dwight: Yeah,
for every bandage sold,
they donate a penny
to homeless shelters
for kittens.
[birds crying out]
[footsteps]
Dwight: Chlodwig!
- Well met, fellows.
Gretta: What brings you
so deep into the woods
on this day?
- I might ask you
the same thing.
Emelian: We're looking
for a woodcutter.
- Aren't you
a woodcutter?
Gretta: A rival woodcutter
killing oak trees.
Emelian: Have you seen
any sign of them?
- Follow me.
♪
♪
♪
- Double-headed axe,
recently sharpened.
[moist mouth noises]
on a rock, crystal, stone.
It's the work
of a master woodcutter.
- But do you know who?
- Kill the tree,
leave the wood,
it's expressly against
the woodcutter's code.
- Woodcutters have
a code?
- But why?
Emelian: Without a code,
all would be chaos.
Dwight: I think he means
why is somebody
serial killing oak trees.
Emelian: Huh, there's a few ways
to tell if a tree is magic,
you can chew the leaves,
boil the bark,
you can write it a poem--
- Wait, what?
Really?
- Although the easiest way
to tell is to--
- Cut it down.
Everyone comb the ground
for any trace of the villain.
Emelian: Sir Dwight,
Prince Chlodwig.
Chlodwig: Hm?
Emelian: Does the princess
hold any special love
in her heart?
Chlodwig: Oh, many, many, many.
She loves
a glazed hog's head.
And boot sweets.
- I don't think
that's what he means.
Chlodwig: And the honey buns
made by Little Debbie.
- No suitor
has claimed the heart
of the princess.
Chlodwig: Wasn't there
a paperboy?
Dwight: Yeah, that's over.
Emelian: So, neither of you
would oppose me making my suit?
- You-
You're gonna make a suit?
Is it gonna have a shirt?
- For the hand
of the princess.
Now that I am Sir Emelian,
Knight of the Realm,
I may dare seek
the princess's heart.
- Uh.
Emelian: My father says
it's time to pick a wife,
though he would much rather
me marry a woodcutter.
Dwight:
But you're like my age.
Chlodwig: You are in luck,
Sir Emelian.
I am considered by many to be
an expert in matters of love.
- Yeah, not so much.
Chlodwig: I shall help you
woo the fair princess.
- Please don't say woo.
- Come fellows!
Look at this.
Look at the size
of these footprints.
Chlodwig: Look at the size
of Sir Emelian's muscles.
[manly grunt]
Emelian: [weak laugh]
They disappear into the thicket.
- Into the thicket we go,
with haste.
- Wait!
I suggest we split up.
- Oh.
Emelian: We could cover
more ground.
Dwight: All right, hold on.
Before anybody goes anywhere,
we need emergency walkies.
Gretta.
Emelian.
Okay.
Chlodwig.
Okay, so,
if you have something to say,
hold the button down
and talk.
Testing, one,
two,
three.
Yeah.
Chlodwig:
Wa, wa, wa, wa, wa, wa.
Gretta: [laughs]
Chlodwig: Le, le, le, le, le.
Hey nonny-nonny.
- Chlodwig, um.
- Listen carefully.
The princess will go
in that direction,
with the strong, valiant
and handsome Sir Emelian.
Sir Dwight and I will go
in the other direction
without the strong, valiant,
and handsome Sir Emelian.
- Copy that.
[birds chirping]
Gretta: We lost his trail.
Emelian: Princess,
I have a question.
Gretta: How could such
a big-footed man vanish
without a trace?
Emelian: No.
I have a question about you.
♪
- This will do nicely.
'Tis a sticky bog.
- I see that.
[flies buzzing]
[slap]
[inaudible]
Man, we are getting eaten up
out here.
[splork, splork]
Dwight: Ha.
Plant-based, non-lethal
mosquito repellant.
[spritzing]
Ah, it smells like citrus.
Hey Chlodwig, you wanna try
astronaut ice cream?
- Not now, Sir Dwight.
I have a plan.
- Did you mean
what you said?
- What I said?
- When we met
in your castle by surprise.
You said that, you,
well you said that I... was.
Chlodwig: [over walkie]
Princess Gretta!
Sir Emelian!
Help!
Gretta: What's the alarm?
Chlodwig: You came
but a moment too late.
Sir Dwight and I
were attacked
by a sticky bog monster!
- What?
- [gasp]
Chlodwig: An immense,
blood-lusty brute
with claws for legs
and one giant eye.
Emelian: What happened?
Dwight: Ask him.
- It tried to pull us
into the sticky bog.
Emelian: You're most fortunate
it did not succeed.
Anybody who ever steps a foot
in the sticky bog,
never steps a foot out again.
Chlodwig: [quietly]
You will thank me for this
on your wedding day.
Gretta: What?
Aaaaaah!
[splat]
Emelian: Gretta!
Dwight: Gretta!
[thick, liquidy sounds]
Chlodwig:
Now's your chance!
- [coughing and gasping]
Emelian:
Come here, come here.
Grab my hand.
Chlodwig: Yes, Sir Emelian.
- She's stuck!
- 'Tis not called
a sticky bog for nothing.
- Help me get
off the ground!
Emelian: [grunt]
Reach, reach, reach.
- I got it!
Gretta: Get me out of here!
- [whispering] Sir Dwight!
Gretta: Reach!
Dwight: [grunt]
Grab on!
Heave-ho guys!
Dwight and Emelian: [grunting]
Chlodwig:
Yes, Sir Emelian, yes.
Great work, yes.
Oh, so strong.
Oh.
Dwight and Emelian: [grunt]
Dwight: Okay,
try and swing to us.
Come on!
Gotcha!
- You just saved my life.
- [growl]
- Here, I have
a microfiber towel
in here somewhere.
Chlodwig: [fierce whisper]
A perfect opportunity bungled.
Emelian: Pardon?
Chlodwig: [fierce whisper]
The sticky bog!
It was your chance
to prove yourself!
Gretta: You pushed me
into a sticky bog!
- My motives were pure!
Gretta: What possible motive--
[deep bubbling]
[clicking and squealing]
- STICKY BOG MONSTER!
Emelian: Whoa!
- Ah!
- Ev better!
Emelian: What?
Chlodwig: Fight the monster,
you oaf!
[squealing roar]
Emelian: Get behind me,
princess.
- That's the spirit!
- Stop, that's ridiculous!
I'm the one with the sword.
- Where's the--
[squealing roar]
Dwight: Where's the--
Bear spray!
[tsssszzzz]
[high squeals of pain]
- Run!
[yelling]
- Sorry!
[squealing continues]
Dwight: [yelling]
[defeated growling]
[birds chirping]
- Hm.
[light splash]
Chlodwig:
What an unsettling texture.
- Right?
Emelian: Two perfect
opportunities bungled.
- Listen, here's the thing
about Chlodwig's plan--
- I have it!
Dwight: Of course.
- I shall disguise
myself as a fiendish brute
and set upon the princess,
at which time she--
- Will beat the snot
outta ya.
Chlodwig: She will be
in a state of profound terror.
And that is when
you will race to the rescue.
- Uuuh.
- You will fight me
and she will--
- Totally know it's you
and think you're both psycho.
Chlodwig: And you will be naming
a wedding date before sunset.
Dwight: See, I see a lot
of holes in this plan.
Chlodwig: If this plan works,
you will name your first son
Chlodwig.
- If this plan works,
I will name my first son
Chlodwig.
- And I will mentor
young Chlodwig
as if he were my own seed.
- Please don't say seed.
Hey!
He just ran off
with my survivor pack.
Emelian: Sir Dwight, I think
I understand the plan.
- That's amazing.
- How shall I know
when the princess is seized
by the fiendish brute?
[scream]
[manly growl]
- Wow.
He threw that together quick.
Emelian: [cheerfully]
Unhand the princess or die.
[thud]
[grunts]
[wham]
[thud]
- That's it!
You are out of control
and gonna get somebody
seriously hurt.
Come on Chlodwig,
nobody's buying it, all right?
Take off the stupid mask,
lose it!
[ominous music]
[bellow]
- Stoyan!
Dwight: You know this guy?
Gretta: [struggling]
- Rival woodcutter.
- You shan't stop me, boy.
Not you, nor your father,
nor anyone.
The tree is mine!
Emelian: We searched these woods
for years.
Found nothing,
there's no magic tree.
- You're a better liar
than your father,
but you're still a liar.
Gretta: Sir Emelian,
can you reach my dagger?
Emelian: No, just your talkie.
- Her walkie?
Hold down the button.
[blip]
Emelian: Done.
Dwight: Chlodwig!
Hey, Chlodwig!
Come in!
Help!
Chlodwig: Mm.
I am here, brother.
- What are you wearing?
- Frightening, isn't it?
Dwight: Oh, yeah.
Gretta: You look like a--
Dwight: Just say fiendish brute.
Gretta: What?
Emelian: Untie us!
[metal ringing]
[intense music]
♪
Emelian: Dad!
- Son!
- We found the bad guy!
Yoska: Who?
Dwight: Ah!
Yoska: Stoyan!
[heroic yell]
- [growl]
All our lives,
we've cut wood in this forest,
nothing to show for it,
but scars!
We could be rich men!
All of us!
- She's not
just a tree, Stoyan!
- Eeyaaah!
[grunting]
Emelian: Yaaah!
[grunting]
[grunting and blows]
- [grunt]
- [laughing]
Yeeahh.
[metallic ring]
- Hya!
[thud]
[weak spritz]
[click, click]
- Sir Dwight!
Stoyan: [roar]
Yoska: Don't!
- [screaming] Noooo!
[thunk]
[powerful magical noise]
[explosion]
[faint whooshing]
[gasping]
[peaceful music]
[faint whooshing]
Emelian: Dad,
that could have been us.
[birds chirping]
♪
♪
♪
Emelian: Princess Gretta.
When you didn't come
this morning, I...
Is anything amiss?
- I must upon occasion
make an appearance
at peasant school.
- On occasion?
- My father and I
would speak with you,
Your Highness.
Yoska: Your Highness, uh,
we are sworn
to protect the Queen Tree.
- But as we have all seen,
it's apparent
the Queen Tree--
- Needs no protection.
Yoska: We beg your leave
to return to the woods,
Highness.
- To the woods?
Yoska: The trees of the woods
have no one to defend them.
It is the woodcutter's code
to protect the forest
for the generations yet to come.
- Sir Yoska and Sir Emelian,
Knights of the Realm,
and protectors of the Queen.
You have fulfilled your office
with honor.
I give you leave to return
to your home
and appoint you guardians
of the woods.
♪
♪
♪
Dwight: Hey guys!
Wait up!
You guys could probably
use this.
- You are always welcome
at our fire, Sir Dwight.
[smack]
- Huh, thanks...man.
Emelian: Farewell, Sir Dwight.
- [weak laugh]
Farewell, guys.
Yoska: I know the wife
for you, son.
Emelian: Dad.
Yoska: Tobar's daughter,
Everelda.
Emelian: [groan]
Yoska: Now
that girl can swing an axe.
Emelian: I don't want a girl
who can swing an axe.
Yoska: She's got the shoulders
of a bull.
Emelian: [groan]
Yoska: She'd bear you
gargantuan sons.
Emelian: No! No!
Stop!
No!
- What?
She's got hands like a man!
♪
everything you need to know.
Baldric: This is Emelian,
the son of the royal woodcutter.
Gretta: And the first boy
I ever loved.
Dwight: This is the tree
you guys want to cut down?
Gretta: I will kill any man
who touches this tree!
It's...
Baldric: Her mother.
Emelian: I swear
to protect the queen
with my life
until the end of my days.
Gretta: I dub thee,
knights of the realm,
and protectors of the queen.
[peaceful music]
♪
[kick stand going down]
[contemplative music]
♪
[terrifying roar]
- Uff.
Ah!
- Sir Dwight?
- [weak voice]
Hey Emelian.
Emelian: [grunt]
I beg your forgiveness.
I mistook you for--
Dwight: A rival woodcutter,
I know.
- Sir Dwight!
Well, how goes peasant school?
Dwight: Uh, you know,
it goes okay.
Everybody misses you.
Your lab partners in biology
are getting' kinda concerned.
Emelian: Dad!
[liquid spilling]
Yoska: Son, I found another.
Emelian: No.
- Another?
- What's amiss?
Yoska: This makes three.
- Three of what?
- Oak trees, Your Highness.
Emelian: Who would do
such a thing?
- No honest woodcutter.
- Okay, what are
we talking about here?
- Some monster is
cutting down the ancient oaks.
- Like an actual monster,
monster?
Yoska: No, just cutting them
down leaving them to rot.
It's senseless.
To fell an ancient tree
is sin enough,
but for no purpose.
- What if
there is a purpose?
You two weren't
the only woodcutters
who sought this tree.
Dwight: So, you think whoever's
out there in the woods
killing the oak trees,
is looking for...
What's the plan, Gretta?
- I am going
to find the killer
before they find my mother.
[ominous music]
[theme music]
Dwight: Okay, so
out a thousand years ago
there was this princess, Gretta.
And she was in big trouble
because she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician,
Baldric cast the champion spell.
Put everyone
in the woods to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with
Gretta's big, scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Instead...
Ah!
[kiss]
Dwight: they got me.
♪
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
♪
Dwight: All right,
[grunt] got everything!
And, 12 minutes ahead
of schedule.
Emelian: What have you there?
- The ultimate
wilderness survivor pack,
forest edition.
Emelian: [sigh] All right.
- 'Kay.
- Sir Dwight,
seeing as you are
the princess's champion,
are you close
to her thoughts?
- Uh...
Emelian: [grunt] Ah.
- Sir Emelian!
Dwight: Dude, you okay?
- Yeah, no harm done.
Dwight: Oh, that is going
to require immediate attention.
Emelian: It's just a scratch.
- This is why
I am first aid certified.
All right.
Let's see what we got in here.
[snap]
[inaudible]
Dwight: Can you hold that?
Just like that.
Whoa, hey, calm down.
Let's practice our breathing.
[breathing deeply]
Slow down that blood flow.
[rip]
Antibiotic, sting-free,
wound-cleansing wipes.
Emelian: I'd hardly call it
a wound.
Dwight: Sorry, does that hurt?
Emelian: Did what hurt?
- Okay.
Aerosol-free, antiseptic spray
promotes natural blood-clotting.
[spritzing]
Just keep arching your back,
just all the way, like, mm.
Great, okay.
[gagging]
And boy, yep, that's a doozy.
All right, and, ta da!
- Are those cats?
Dwight: Yeah,
for every bandage sold,
they donate a penny
to homeless shelters
for kittens.
[birds crying out]
[footsteps]
Dwight: Chlodwig!
- Well met, fellows.
Gretta: What brings you
so deep into the woods
on this day?
- I might ask you
the same thing.
Emelian: We're looking
for a woodcutter.
- Aren't you
a woodcutter?
Gretta: A rival woodcutter
killing oak trees.
Emelian: Have you seen
any sign of them?
- Follow me.
♪
♪
♪
- Double-headed axe,
recently sharpened.
[moist mouth noises]
on a rock, crystal, stone.
It's the work
of a master woodcutter.
- But do you know who?
- Kill the tree,
leave the wood,
it's expressly against
the woodcutter's code.
- Woodcutters have
a code?
- But why?
Emelian: Without a code,
all would be chaos.
Dwight: I think he means
why is somebody
serial killing oak trees.
Emelian: Huh, there's a few ways
to tell if a tree is magic,
you can chew the leaves,
boil the bark,
you can write it a poem--
- Wait, what?
Really?
- Although the easiest way
to tell is to--
- Cut it down.
Everyone comb the ground
for any trace of the villain.
Emelian: Sir Dwight,
Prince Chlodwig.
Chlodwig: Hm?
Emelian: Does the princess
hold any special love
in her heart?
Chlodwig: Oh, many, many, many.
She loves
a glazed hog's head.
And boot sweets.
- I don't think
that's what he means.
Chlodwig: And the honey buns
made by Little Debbie.
- No suitor
has claimed the heart
of the princess.
Chlodwig: Wasn't there
a paperboy?
Dwight: Yeah, that's over.
Emelian: So, neither of you
would oppose me making my suit?
- You-
You're gonna make a suit?
Is it gonna have a shirt?
- For the hand
of the princess.
Now that I am Sir Emelian,
Knight of the Realm,
I may dare seek
the princess's heart.
- Uh.
Emelian: My father says
it's time to pick a wife,
though he would much rather
me marry a woodcutter.
Dwight:
But you're like my age.
Chlodwig: You are in luck,
Sir Emelian.
I am considered by many to be
an expert in matters of love.
- Yeah, not so much.
Chlodwig: I shall help you
woo the fair princess.
- Please don't say woo.
- Come fellows!
Look at this.
Look at the size
of these footprints.
Chlodwig: Look at the size
of Sir Emelian's muscles.
[manly grunt]
Emelian: [weak laugh]
They disappear into the thicket.
- Into the thicket we go,
with haste.
- Wait!
I suggest we split up.
- Oh.
Emelian: We could cover
more ground.
Dwight: All right, hold on.
Before anybody goes anywhere,
we need emergency walkies.
Gretta.
Emelian.
Okay.
Chlodwig.
Okay, so,
if you have something to say,
hold the button down
and talk.
Testing, one,
two,
three.
Yeah.
Chlodwig:
Wa, wa, wa, wa, wa, wa.
Gretta: [laughs]
Chlodwig: Le, le, le, le, le.
Hey nonny-nonny.
- Chlodwig, um.
- Listen carefully.
The princess will go
in that direction,
with the strong, valiant
and handsome Sir Emelian.
Sir Dwight and I will go
in the other direction
without the strong, valiant,
and handsome Sir Emelian.
- Copy that.
[birds chirping]
Gretta: We lost his trail.
Emelian: Princess,
I have a question.
Gretta: How could such
a big-footed man vanish
without a trace?
Emelian: No.
I have a question about you.
♪
- This will do nicely.
'Tis a sticky bog.
- I see that.
[flies buzzing]
[slap]
[inaudible]
Man, we are getting eaten up
out here.
[splork, splork]
Dwight: Ha.
Plant-based, non-lethal
mosquito repellant.
[spritzing]
Ah, it smells like citrus.
Hey Chlodwig, you wanna try
astronaut ice cream?
- Not now, Sir Dwight.
I have a plan.
- Did you mean
what you said?
- What I said?
- When we met
in your castle by surprise.
You said that, you,
well you said that I... was.
Chlodwig: [over walkie]
Princess Gretta!
Sir Emelian!
Help!
Gretta: What's the alarm?
Chlodwig: You came
but a moment too late.
Sir Dwight and I
were attacked
by a sticky bog monster!
- What?
- [gasp]
Chlodwig: An immense,
blood-lusty brute
with claws for legs
and one giant eye.
Emelian: What happened?
Dwight: Ask him.
- It tried to pull us
into the sticky bog.
Emelian: You're most fortunate
it did not succeed.
Anybody who ever steps a foot
in the sticky bog,
never steps a foot out again.
Chlodwig: [quietly]
You will thank me for this
on your wedding day.
Gretta: What?
Aaaaaah!
[splat]
Emelian: Gretta!
Dwight: Gretta!
[thick, liquidy sounds]
Chlodwig:
Now's your chance!
- [coughing and gasping]
Emelian:
Come here, come here.
Grab my hand.
Chlodwig: Yes, Sir Emelian.
- She's stuck!
- 'Tis not called
a sticky bog for nothing.
- Help me get
off the ground!
Emelian: [grunt]
Reach, reach, reach.
- I got it!
Gretta: Get me out of here!
- [whispering] Sir Dwight!
Gretta: Reach!
Dwight: [grunt]
Grab on!
Heave-ho guys!
Dwight and Emelian: [grunting]
Chlodwig:
Yes, Sir Emelian, yes.
Great work, yes.
Oh, so strong.
Oh.
Dwight and Emelian: [grunt]
Dwight: Okay,
try and swing to us.
Come on!
Gotcha!
- You just saved my life.
- [growl]
- Here, I have
a microfiber towel
in here somewhere.
Chlodwig: [fierce whisper]
A perfect opportunity bungled.
Emelian: Pardon?
Chlodwig: [fierce whisper]
The sticky bog!
It was your chance
to prove yourself!
Gretta: You pushed me
into a sticky bog!
- My motives were pure!
Gretta: What possible motive--
[deep bubbling]
[clicking and squealing]
- STICKY BOG MONSTER!
Emelian: Whoa!
- Ah!
- Ev better!
Emelian: What?
Chlodwig: Fight the monster,
you oaf!
[squealing roar]
Emelian: Get behind me,
princess.
- That's the spirit!
- Stop, that's ridiculous!
I'm the one with the sword.
- Where's the--
[squealing roar]
Dwight: Where's the--
Bear spray!
[tsssszzzz]
[high squeals of pain]
- Run!
[yelling]
- Sorry!
[squealing continues]
Dwight: [yelling]
[defeated growling]
[birds chirping]
- Hm.
[light splash]
Chlodwig:
What an unsettling texture.
- Right?
Emelian: Two perfect
opportunities bungled.
- Listen, here's the thing
about Chlodwig's plan--
- I have it!
Dwight: Of course.
- I shall disguise
myself as a fiendish brute
and set upon the princess,
at which time she--
- Will beat the snot
outta ya.
Chlodwig: She will be
in a state of profound terror.
And that is when
you will race to the rescue.
- Uuuh.
- You will fight me
and she will--
- Totally know it's you
and think you're both psycho.
Chlodwig: And you will be naming
a wedding date before sunset.
Dwight: See, I see a lot
of holes in this plan.
Chlodwig: If this plan works,
you will name your first son
Chlodwig.
- If this plan works,
I will name my first son
Chlodwig.
- And I will mentor
young Chlodwig
as if he were my own seed.
- Please don't say seed.
Hey!
He just ran off
with my survivor pack.
Emelian: Sir Dwight, I think
I understand the plan.
- That's amazing.
- How shall I know
when the princess is seized
by the fiendish brute?
[scream]
[manly growl]
- Wow.
He threw that together quick.
Emelian: [cheerfully]
Unhand the princess or die.
[thud]
[grunts]
[wham]
[thud]
- That's it!
You are out of control
and gonna get somebody
seriously hurt.
Come on Chlodwig,
nobody's buying it, all right?
Take off the stupid mask,
lose it!
[ominous music]
[bellow]
- Stoyan!
Dwight: You know this guy?
Gretta: [struggling]
- Rival woodcutter.
- You shan't stop me, boy.
Not you, nor your father,
nor anyone.
The tree is mine!
Emelian: We searched these woods
for years.
Found nothing,
there's no magic tree.
- You're a better liar
than your father,
but you're still a liar.
Gretta: Sir Emelian,
can you reach my dagger?
Emelian: No, just your talkie.
- Her walkie?
Hold down the button.
[blip]
Emelian: Done.
Dwight: Chlodwig!
Hey, Chlodwig!
Come in!
Help!
Chlodwig: Mm.
I am here, brother.
- What are you wearing?
- Frightening, isn't it?
Dwight: Oh, yeah.
Gretta: You look like a--
Dwight: Just say fiendish brute.
Gretta: What?
Emelian: Untie us!
[metal ringing]
[intense music]
♪
Emelian: Dad!
- Son!
- We found the bad guy!
Yoska: Who?
Dwight: Ah!
Yoska: Stoyan!
[heroic yell]
- [growl]
All our lives,
we've cut wood in this forest,
nothing to show for it,
but scars!
We could be rich men!
All of us!
- She's not
just a tree, Stoyan!
- Eeyaaah!
[grunting]
Emelian: Yaaah!
[grunting]
[grunting and blows]
- [grunt]
- [laughing]
Yeeahh.
[metallic ring]
- Hya!
[thud]
[weak spritz]
[click, click]
- Sir Dwight!
Stoyan: [roar]
Yoska: Don't!
- [screaming] Noooo!
[thunk]
[powerful magical noise]
[explosion]
[faint whooshing]
[gasping]
[peaceful music]
[faint whooshing]
Emelian: Dad,
that could have been us.
[birds chirping]
♪
♪
♪
Emelian: Princess Gretta.
When you didn't come
this morning, I...
Is anything amiss?
- I must upon occasion
make an appearance
at peasant school.
- On occasion?
- My father and I
would speak with you,
Your Highness.
Yoska: Your Highness, uh,
we are sworn
to protect the Queen Tree.
- But as we have all seen,
it's apparent
the Queen Tree--
- Needs no protection.
Yoska: We beg your leave
to return to the woods,
Highness.
- To the woods?
Yoska: The trees of the woods
have no one to defend them.
It is the woodcutter's code
to protect the forest
for the generations yet to come.
- Sir Yoska and Sir Emelian,
Knights of the Realm,
and protectors of the Queen.
You have fulfilled your office
with honor.
I give you leave to return
to your home
and appoint you guardians
of the woods.
♪
♪
♪
Dwight: Hey guys!
Wait up!
You guys could probably
use this.
- You are always welcome
at our fire, Sir Dwight.
[smack]
- Huh, thanks...man.
Emelian: Farewell, Sir Dwight.
- [weak laugh]
Farewell, guys.
Yoska: I know the wife
for you, son.
Emelian: Dad.
Yoska: Tobar's daughter,
Everelda.
Emelian: [groan]
Yoska: Now
that girl can swing an axe.
Emelian: I don't want a girl
who can swing an axe.
Yoska: She's got the shoulders
of a bull.
Emelian: [groan]
Yoska: She'd bear you
gargantuan sons.
Emelian: No! No!
Stop!
No!
- What?
She's got hands like a man!
♪