Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 2, Episode 6 - Truthberry Cobbler - full transcript
Dwight: Don't forget
the trash bags, guys.
This is a pack it in,
pack it out campground.
Gretta: It is still
unclear to me
as to why we are making camp.
We're not on a quest?
- No.
Gretta: We aren't on a hunt?
Dwight: Absolutely not.
Gretta: We aren't practicing
drills?
Dwight: Not unless
you want to.
- Well, then
what are we about?
Dwight: We are about
unwinding and unplugging
and enjoying a simpler way
of life.
- Hm?
- And we get
Dutch oven cobbler!
- [gasps]
- Cobbler?
- Cobbler?
Dwight: Oh yeah, yeah,
cobbler is happening.
There are fresh
blackberry bushes everywhere
at the campground.
[liquid sloshing]
[loud spitting]
[gagging]
- Who got crumbs
in my sheep's bladder?
- That's a question
I'm only gonna hear once
in my life.
Nana: Haa!
[keys rattling]
I got the truck.
Time to load out, campers!
Dwight: All right.
Nana: Go, go.
[door shuts]
- I told her nine
of the clock.
[door opens]
[romantic music]
Hexela: [gasps]
Baldric!
- Hexela.
[snap]
- So good of you
to invite me along.
[footsteps]
- Hey!
[phones beeping]
- Oh!
[beeping continues]
Gretta: [gasps]
Dwight: Hm.
Chlodwig: What's amiss?
Dwight: Fire warning.
[signal stops]
Hexela: Route 156 is closed
in both directions.
Nana: That's the highway
we take to the campsite.
Chlodwig: The encampment
is postponed then?
Nana: Oh, honey.
I'm so sorry.
I know how much
you look forward to this.
Gretta: Never fear,
we may still make camp
without venturing near the fire.
I know the perfect place.
And it has a few more comforts
of home.
- Well, let's go, go, go.
Dwight: Come on!
♪
Dwight: Okay, so about
a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta.
And she was in big trouble
because she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
♪
So, her court magician,
Baldric cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with Gretta's
big, scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Ah!
Instead,
[kiss]
they got me.
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
[birds calling]
♪
Hexela: Mm.
Gretta: Well, what say you,
Sir Dwight?
Are you enjoying
the simpler ways of life?
Are you unwinding
and unpugging?
- Unplugging.
Nana: Hey!
I'm off on my nature walk.
Dwight: Got your bear spray?
- Got it!.
I'll be back by lunch time.
Hraa-ta-ta.
[horn]
Dwight: What's that?
- Baldric and Chlodwig
are returning from the hunt.
- The hunt?
[sizzling]
- I didn't think
it was necessary to say,
please don't kill any
cute woodland creatures
in preparation of your meals.
- Mm.
Gretta: So, here we are sitting
around the fire,
roasting rabbits,
just as we do most every day.
Chlodwig: It's been squirrels
more than rabbits for me lately.
- Mm.
Dwight: Come on!
We agreed you would
stop eating the squirrels!
Gretta: So,
what's camping about this?
- Well,
we're not camping until...
[clunk]
- [gasp]
Dwight: Ta da!
Now, we're camping.
All: [sounds of delight]
Dwight: Fresh
blackberry cobbler.
Baldric: Oh-oo-hoo-hoo.
Allow me, Sir Dwight.
[thick spray]
♪
[thick spray]
- [mouth full] Delicious!
- Delectable!
- Divine.
- [mouth full] Delightful.
- Thanks guys.
This is one
of my better batches.
The secret recipe
is fresh blackberries.
- Mm.
- Mm.
- Mm.
All: Mm, mm.
- Hey, anybody seen Nana?
She said she'd be back
by lunchtime.
- You're right.
- More cobbler for us.
[Hexela and Chlodwig laugh]
- How long has it been?
Four hours!?
I knew
this was a terrible idea.
Let's go camping
in the middle
of the spooky woods
with this creepy castle
and all the medieval nut jobs.
- You said
you liked my idea.
Dwight: I hated the idea
but you were just so pretty
and adorable,
I couldn't just
smack you down,
plus I really want
this opportunity
to impress you with my cobbler.
[weak laugh]
- Sir Dwight is making
a fool of himself.
Come brother,
I will distract
the attention away
from your ridiculousness.
Dwight: I would appreciate that.
Baldric: I'm curious.
What distraction will you use?
Hm?
- I have it.
We must find Nana!
- Yes.
- We will conduct
a search.
Gretta: Let's split up.
- I get to go
with Hexela!
I've been waiting
for a moment such as this
to be alone with her.
- [gasps]
[laughs]
Oh Baldric.
When I got up this morning,
I felt old and bloated
and I wanted to chop all
of my infuriating hair off,
[gasp]
but you make me feel
so wonderful.
And that's why
I keep stringing you along.
Oh.
[gasp]
Baldric: Mm?
Chlodwig: Let's away,
we three will search
the nearby woods.
Baldric: We two
will search the castle.
Hexela: Mm.
Chlodwig: We will find Nana,
Sir Dwight,
or give it a fair effort
and return for more cobbler.
Dwight: [sigh]
Dwight: [yelling] Nana! Nana!
Gretta,
you're making a weird face
and it's making me nervous.
Chlodwig: She looks angry.
She knows that I am the one
who got crumbs
in her sheep's bladder.
Gretta: I knew it!
Dwight: Is that why
you're making that face?
Gretta: It just so happens,
that I ate so much cobbler
that I now have
the tummy bubbles.
Did I just say that out loud?
Dwight: Yep.
That's okay, everybody gets
the tummy bubbles.
Chlodwig: Speaking
of tummy bubbles,
I think I'll walk off some
distance by myself for a time.
Dwight: Do it, yes.
Please, go ahead.
The farther the better.
Gretta: I fear the worst.
Dwight: Keep going Chlodwig!
Gretta: No, about Nana.
You're right.
These woods are treacherous.
And if something would have
happened to Nana,
it would be my fault.
Dwight: You're scaring me.
Gretta: I'm scaring myself.
Dwight: You know
what we're gonna do?
We are gonna channel
all this anxiety into action
and we're gonna find Nana.
Gretta: You're brave.
And I like your hair.
- You're very large.
Man: Hunnh.
[thump]
Baldric: Lady Nana!
Hexela: I don't like it at all.
Baldric: You suspect foul play?
Hexela: I don't like
my new body spritz.
It smells like cheese.
Baldric: Hm, I hadn't noticed.
Oh wait, now I smell it.
Hexela: Mm.
Something's not right, Baldric.
Baldric: Aged white cheddar.
Hexela:
We keep saying everything
that pops into our heads.
Baldric: We do, don't we?
Hexela: Why would they make
a body spritz
that smells like cheese?
Baldric: I like cheese.
Hexela: Well,
I like some cheese,
I like cheesecake.
Baldric: Mm.
Hexela: [giggles]
[gasp]
See, we're doing it again!
- You are right and
your eyelashes are enchanting.
- They're fake.
[gasp]
- I don't care.
[gasp]
Hexela: I have to get away
from you.
I've spent years cultivating
the perfect mysterious,
alluring mystique.
Baldric: And I love it.
Hexela: [yells]
I'm ruining everything!
[horrified yell]
[footsteps running off]
- Oh!
That is more woman
than I can handle.
[thick spray]
Dwight: Any luck?
Baldric: No, she darted off
before I could make my move.
- What?
- Uh, uh,
you mean Lady Nana.
Uh, sorry Sir Dwight.
Our search was fruitless.
Gretta: Mm.
Someone take this cobbler away
from me.
I need help.
- You did kinda snarf
half the pan.
Gretta: Sweets are
my weakness.
I have a whole stash of them
hidden in my boot.
[clatter]
See.
- How do you walk
with all that candy
in your boot?
Gretta: But this cobbler
is better
than all of my boot sweets
put together.
- Ew.
- What's your secret?
- The fresh blackberries
I picked them myself
right outside.
Baldric: Right outside?
[spoon clatters]
Gretta: Outside the castle?
- I'm scared.
Gretta: They weren't
blackberries, Sir Dwight.
They are--
- Truth berries.
- Truth berries?
Baldric: Yes.
Anyone who eats truth berries
is compelled
to speak the truth.
- And only the truth.
Baldric: For six to eight hours.
- That actually clears up
a lot for me.
Baldric: We should tell
the others.
Gretta: Where are the others?
Hexela: You are an enigma.
You are a mystery.
You are a closed book full
of beguiling secrets.
You are marinated
in Cheez Whiz body spritz.
[sniff]
Ah.
Gah.
Bwu.
[screams]
This is an outrage!
Untie me, you big,
brawny,
broad-shouldered,
beautiful beast.
Man: What mean you three,
by creeping
around these woods?
Nana: You're the creep buddy.
And if I could reach
my bear spray,
you'd be a creep crying
on the ground right now!
Chlodwig: Bear spray.
Will it turn you into a bear?
Nana: No.
Chlodwig: Will it turn me
into a bear?
Man: Who are you?
Hexela: I'm just a single witch
looking for love.
Man: What are you lot doing
here?
Chlodwig: 'Tis called camping.
[Hexela screams]
- To what purpose?
- That is the mystery.
- How tall are you,
handsome woodcutter?
[Man chokes]
Nana: Hexela, stop flirting
with our kidnapper.
Hexela: I can't!
And I won't.
Chlodwig: I have a plan.
Nana: What?
Chlodwig: I thought
if I started talking
a plan would come out.
Baldric: One thing is certain.
We are not alone
in this castle.
[distant banging]
[thump]
Dwight: Ah.
Eeuh.
All: Aaaah!
Dwight: aaah.
- Princess Gretta.
- Emelian?
- You know this guy?
Wow, he is ripped
and way better looking than me.
Baldric: This is Emelian,
the son
of the royal woodcutter.
Gretta: And the first boy
I ever loved.
Baldric: Hm.
Wha?
Dwight: Mm.
Oh yeah,
he's got like a ten-pack.
I need a better muscle-toning
regimen.
Baldric: What were you doing
prowling about the castle, lad?
You nearly frightened
the wits out of us.
- I beg
your forgiveness,
we meant only
to secure the castle.
Baldric: We?
- Well, my father and I--
I fear we have made
an unspeakable mistake.
Dwight: You tied my Nana
to a tree!
Chlodwig: In his defense,
he does have
impressive forearms.
Dwight: What?
Chlodwig: I cannot dislike
a man with impressive forearms.
Hexela: And I can't dislike
a man with rippling muscles,
strong hands,
a jaw like an iron hammer,
and eyes that burn
like guilty pleasure!
[gasp]
- I can.
Woodcutter: Begging
your forgiveness, Highness.
We mistook your friends
for prowlers.
- Oh.
- An unforgiveable mistake.
- Pff, I have already
forgiven you.
So, now tell me,
is there a special lady
in your life?
Baldric: All right.
Gretta: Because, if not--
Baldric: All right.
[thunk]
Hexela: Do make
yourself comfortable.
[pat, pat]
Baldric: What are you
doing here?
Hm?
Emelian: Only making
an honest living
as a woodcutter, sir.
Woodcutter: Times are hard.
These woods have changed.
Hexela: I believe you have
every quality of my perfect man.
[gasp]
I have a list right here.
I keep it close to my heart.
Whoo!
Number one.
Broad shoulders.
[gasp]
Why can't I stop talking?
[gasp]
- Okay. Wow, what a day.
I'll be in my tent.
Dwight: Nana?
Baldric: Can we return
to the subject at hand!?
Hexela: Yes, number two,
family man.
Check.
Number three,
grizzly facial hair.
- But, I--
Hexela: Number four,
[scream]
I have got to stop... talking.
- Oh.
Hexela: [squeal]
[desperate yell]
Dwight: Okay. Group
talk, right now, Hexela's tent.
[thunk]
Be right back.
'Kay.
Just, uh, sit tight.
[awkward laugh]
Dwight: What the?
Chlodwig: I'm confused.
Gretta: Your tent brings us
here?
Dwight: This isn't camping.
Baldric: You never cease
to amaze me, Hexela.
Hexela: I'm too mortified
to accept compliments, Baldric.
Gretta: The witch is right.
This is a disaster.
Dwight: Hey guys.
Anyone else think there's
something weird going on
with the two super buff
woodcutter guys?
Hexela: Yes!
Yoska is a desirable catch,
why hasn't he settled down yet?
Anyone know?
Hm?
Baldric: [disgusted noise]
Chlodwig: I'm hungry.
I think I'll finish off
the cobbler.
- Oh!
Bring me some.
Baldric and Gretta: No!
It's truth berry cobbler.
Hexela: What?
Dwight: Which is why we all
keep running our mouths off
with no filter.
- Oh.
Chlodwig: No filter?
Dwight: You're pretty much
the same Chlodwig.
Hexela: [sighs] It had
to be truth berries.
- Do you think Emelian
finds me alluring?
Dwight: Of course
he finds you alluring.
You're the
most freakin' alluring girl
anyone's ever seen.
Chlodwig, will you slap me
super hard please.
[slap]
[grunt]
Gretta: That looks like it hurt.
Dwight: It did.
-You suspect
the woodcutters
of some evil purpose,
Sir Dwight?
Chlodwig: I have a plan.
Gretta: What?
Chlodwig: I'm trying to form it
into words in my mouth.
- You don't have
a plan, do you?
Chlodwig: No.
Dwight: No worries,
'cause I have a plan.
And it starts with cobbler.
- Mm.
Yoska: Very tasty.
Emelian: It's the best thing
I've ever had.
- That's sweet
of you guys,
it's actually a specialty
of mine,
an old family recipe
[rattling]
I have adapted over--
[candies falling]
Um, right, task at hand.
Uh, so what are you guys doing
here at the castle?
Yoska: We're looking
for a special tree.
[smack]
- Dad!
It's a secret.
- So, what's so special
about this tree.
Yoska: Well, it's magic.
If we cut it down we could
sell the wood for way more money
[smack, smack]spend
in a lifetime.
Why am I telling you
all this?
Dwight: Because you,
just ate more than your share
of truth berry cobbler.
[clatter]
Dwight: So,
I'll be asking the questions,
if you don't mind.
Thank you.
Emelian,
how do you get those washboard
abs and huge biceps?
- I swing an ax ten hours
a day.
- Wow! Really?
Why don't you guys wear
a shirt?
Yoska: We don't have shirts.
[candy clattering]
- [clears throat] So,
what makes you think
the magic tree is here?
- It isn't.
[smack, smack, smack]
We know the tree is exactly
[smack]
thirty furlongs
from this castle.
- We just don't know
in what direction.
Yosac: [grunts] We've been
searching these woods for years.
[grunt]
Confound it.
We've made a chart.
Of everywhere we've searched.
- Only this section remains.
Dwight: So this magic tree,
is in there somewhere?
Why did you guys tie up
Nana, Chlodwig and Hexela?
- We took them
for rival woodcutters.
- Woodcutters have rivals?
Yoska: [frustrated sigh]
Gretta: We shall help you find
your magic tree.
- Thank you, Highness.
- But only answer
this one question,
in the years
since we last met,
have you ever thought of me?
[gasp]
- Princess,
I have thought of you
every moment of my life
since the day
I first beheld you.
The morning sun
is your touch,
the breeze is your kiss,
the rustling of the leaves
is your voice.
You are in every breath,
and every thought,
and every beat of my heart.
- Okay, that answers
that question.
Who wants to go
on a magic tree quest?
[noises of relief]
Dwight: Just about
a furlong more.
Hexela: Oh! Civilization.
My feet are killing me.
Why do I insist on buying
an eight and a half
when I know I'm a nine.
Nana: Where to, Dwight?
- That way.
Quick march.
♪
Yoska: Son,
do you know what that is?
- This is the tree
you guys want to cut down?
Emelian: We can sell the wood
to wizards and witches
and mages and sorcerers.
- Do you take pre-orders?
[metal ringing]
Gretta: No one touches
this tree!
- Gretta.
- I will kill any man
who touches this tree.
- Princess,
Your Highness,
dear child.
- [half sobbing] It's, it's...
- Her mother.
[poignant music]
Emelian: Highness,
we didn't know.
Yoska: We would never harm
the queen.
[ax clatters to ground]
Not for all the money
in the world.
[Emelian's ax clatters down]
Chlodwig: There you are!
Huzzah!
We found the tree!
Nana: Shh!
Gretta: [sobbing quietly]
Emelian: I swear on my knees
to protect the queen
with my life
until the end of my days.
[sniff]
Yoska: And I so swear.
- [shuddering breath]
I dub thee knights of the realm
and protectors of the queen.
Rise Sir Yoska
and Sir Emelian.
- [clears throat]
[sniff]
♪
[rustling]
- Guys?
Baldric: Mm.
Nana: Good morning,
gummi bear.
Dwight: What are you?
Guys, we're supposed
to be camping.
Chlodwig: We're celebrating
Sir Dwight.
Have a breakfast burrito.
Baldric: The effects of the
truth berries have passed.
Dwight: You sure?
See if you can tell a lie.
Baldric: Oh, um.
I did not steal Hexela's
perfect man list
and set it on fire.
- I knew it!
Dwight: It's great news,
turns out a little truth
can go a long way.
Where's Gretta?
♪
[axes clanging]
Dwight: Uh, guys.
Gretta: Let him pass.
[gentle music]
♪
♪
♪
Dwight: She's beautiful Gretta.
♪
the trash bags, guys.
This is a pack it in,
pack it out campground.
Gretta: It is still
unclear to me
as to why we are making camp.
We're not on a quest?
- No.
Gretta: We aren't on a hunt?
Dwight: Absolutely not.
Gretta: We aren't practicing
drills?
Dwight: Not unless
you want to.
- Well, then
what are we about?
Dwight: We are about
unwinding and unplugging
and enjoying a simpler way
of life.
- Hm?
- And we get
Dutch oven cobbler!
- [gasps]
- Cobbler?
- Cobbler?
Dwight: Oh yeah, yeah,
cobbler is happening.
There are fresh
blackberry bushes everywhere
at the campground.
[liquid sloshing]
[loud spitting]
[gagging]
- Who got crumbs
in my sheep's bladder?
- That's a question
I'm only gonna hear once
in my life.
Nana: Haa!
[keys rattling]
I got the truck.
Time to load out, campers!
Dwight: All right.
Nana: Go, go.
[door shuts]
- I told her nine
of the clock.
[door opens]
[romantic music]
Hexela: [gasps]
Baldric!
- Hexela.
[snap]
- So good of you
to invite me along.
[footsteps]
- Hey!
[phones beeping]
- Oh!
[beeping continues]
Gretta: [gasps]
Dwight: Hm.
Chlodwig: What's amiss?
Dwight: Fire warning.
[signal stops]
Hexela: Route 156 is closed
in both directions.
Nana: That's the highway
we take to the campsite.
Chlodwig: The encampment
is postponed then?
Nana: Oh, honey.
I'm so sorry.
I know how much
you look forward to this.
Gretta: Never fear,
we may still make camp
without venturing near the fire.
I know the perfect place.
And it has a few more comforts
of home.
- Well, let's go, go, go.
Dwight: Come on!
♪
Dwight: Okay, so about
a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta.
And she was in big trouble
because she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
♪
So, her court magician,
Baldric cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with Gretta's
big, scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Ah!
Instead,
[kiss]
they got me.
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
[birds calling]
♪
Hexela: Mm.
Gretta: Well, what say you,
Sir Dwight?
Are you enjoying
the simpler ways of life?
Are you unwinding
and unpugging?
- Unplugging.
Nana: Hey!
I'm off on my nature walk.
Dwight: Got your bear spray?
- Got it!.
I'll be back by lunch time.
Hraa-ta-ta.
[horn]
Dwight: What's that?
- Baldric and Chlodwig
are returning from the hunt.
- The hunt?
[sizzling]
- I didn't think
it was necessary to say,
please don't kill any
cute woodland creatures
in preparation of your meals.
- Mm.
Gretta: So, here we are sitting
around the fire,
roasting rabbits,
just as we do most every day.
Chlodwig: It's been squirrels
more than rabbits for me lately.
- Mm.
Dwight: Come on!
We agreed you would
stop eating the squirrels!
Gretta: So,
what's camping about this?
- Well,
we're not camping until...
[clunk]
- [gasp]
Dwight: Ta da!
Now, we're camping.
All: [sounds of delight]
Dwight: Fresh
blackberry cobbler.
Baldric: Oh-oo-hoo-hoo.
Allow me, Sir Dwight.
[thick spray]
♪
[thick spray]
- [mouth full] Delicious!
- Delectable!
- Divine.
- [mouth full] Delightful.
- Thanks guys.
This is one
of my better batches.
The secret recipe
is fresh blackberries.
- Mm.
- Mm.
- Mm.
All: Mm, mm.
- Hey, anybody seen Nana?
She said she'd be back
by lunchtime.
- You're right.
- More cobbler for us.
[Hexela and Chlodwig laugh]
- How long has it been?
Four hours!?
I knew
this was a terrible idea.
Let's go camping
in the middle
of the spooky woods
with this creepy castle
and all the medieval nut jobs.
- You said
you liked my idea.
Dwight: I hated the idea
but you were just so pretty
and adorable,
I couldn't just
smack you down,
plus I really want
this opportunity
to impress you with my cobbler.
[weak laugh]
- Sir Dwight is making
a fool of himself.
Come brother,
I will distract
the attention away
from your ridiculousness.
Dwight: I would appreciate that.
Baldric: I'm curious.
What distraction will you use?
Hm?
- I have it.
We must find Nana!
- Yes.
- We will conduct
a search.
Gretta: Let's split up.
- I get to go
with Hexela!
I've been waiting
for a moment such as this
to be alone with her.
- [gasps]
[laughs]
Oh Baldric.
When I got up this morning,
I felt old and bloated
and I wanted to chop all
of my infuriating hair off,
[gasp]
but you make me feel
so wonderful.
And that's why
I keep stringing you along.
Oh.
[gasp]
Baldric: Mm?
Chlodwig: Let's away,
we three will search
the nearby woods.
Baldric: We two
will search the castle.
Hexela: Mm.
Chlodwig: We will find Nana,
Sir Dwight,
or give it a fair effort
and return for more cobbler.
Dwight: [sigh]
Dwight: [yelling] Nana! Nana!
Gretta,
you're making a weird face
and it's making me nervous.
Chlodwig: She looks angry.
She knows that I am the one
who got crumbs
in her sheep's bladder.
Gretta: I knew it!
Dwight: Is that why
you're making that face?
Gretta: It just so happens,
that I ate so much cobbler
that I now have
the tummy bubbles.
Did I just say that out loud?
Dwight: Yep.
That's okay, everybody gets
the tummy bubbles.
Chlodwig: Speaking
of tummy bubbles,
I think I'll walk off some
distance by myself for a time.
Dwight: Do it, yes.
Please, go ahead.
The farther the better.
Gretta: I fear the worst.
Dwight: Keep going Chlodwig!
Gretta: No, about Nana.
You're right.
These woods are treacherous.
And if something would have
happened to Nana,
it would be my fault.
Dwight: You're scaring me.
Gretta: I'm scaring myself.
Dwight: You know
what we're gonna do?
We are gonna channel
all this anxiety into action
and we're gonna find Nana.
Gretta: You're brave.
And I like your hair.
- You're very large.
Man: Hunnh.
[thump]
Baldric: Lady Nana!
Hexela: I don't like it at all.
Baldric: You suspect foul play?
Hexela: I don't like
my new body spritz.
It smells like cheese.
Baldric: Hm, I hadn't noticed.
Oh wait, now I smell it.
Hexela: Mm.
Something's not right, Baldric.
Baldric: Aged white cheddar.
Hexela:
We keep saying everything
that pops into our heads.
Baldric: We do, don't we?
Hexela: Why would they make
a body spritz
that smells like cheese?
Baldric: I like cheese.
Hexela: Well,
I like some cheese,
I like cheesecake.
Baldric: Mm.
Hexela: [giggles]
[gasp]
See, we're doing it again!
- You are right and
your eyelashes are enchanting.
- They're fake.
[gasp]
- I don't care.
[gasp]
Hexela: I have to get away
from you.
I've spent years cultivating
the perfect mysterious,
alluring mystique.
Baldric: And I love it.
Hexela: [yells]
I'm ruining everything!
[horrified yell]
[footsteps running off]
- Oh!
That is more woman
than I can handle.
[thick spray]
Dwight: Any luck?
Baldric: No, she darted off
before I could make my move.
- What?
- Uh, uh,
you mean Lady Nana.
Uh, sorry Sir Dwight.
Our search was fruitless.
Gretta: Mm.
Someone take this cobbler away
from me.
I need help.
- You did kinda snarf
half the pan.
Gretta: Sweets are
my weakness.
I have a whole stash of them
hidden in my boot.
[clatter]
See.
- How do you walk
with all that candy
in your boot?
Gretta: But this cobbler
is better
than all of my boot sweets
put together.
- Ew.
- What's your secret?
- The fresh blackberries
I picked them myself
right outside.
Baldric: Right outside?
[spoon clatters]
Gretta: Outside the castle?
- I'm scared.
Gretta: They weren't
blackberries, Sir Dwight.
They are--
- Truth berries.
- Truth berries?
Baldric: Yes.
Anyone who eats truth berries
is compelled
to speak the truth.
- And only the truth.
Baldric: For six to eight hours.
- That actually clears up
a lot for me.
Baldric: We should tell
the others.
Gretta: Where are the others?
Hexela: You are an enigma.
You are a mystery.
You are a closed book full
of beguiling secrets.
You are marinated
in Cheez Whiz body spritz.
[sniff]
Ah.
Gah.
Bwu.
[screams]
This is an outrage!
Untie me, you big,
brawny,
broad-shouldered,
beautiful beast.
Man: What mean you three,
by creeping
around these woods?
Nana: You're the creep buddy.
And if I could reach
my bear spray,
you'd be a creep crying
on the ground right now!
Chlodwig: Bear spray.
Will it turn you into a bear?
Nana: No.
Chlodwig: Will it turn me
into a bear?
Man: Who are you?
Hexela: I'm just a single witch
looking for love.
Man: What are you lot doing
here?
Chlodwig: 'Tis called camping.
[Hexela screams]
- To what purpose?
- That is the mystery.
- How tall are you,
handsome woodcutter?
[Man chokes]
Nana: Hexela, stop flirting
with our kidnapper.
Hexela: I can't!
And I won't.
Chlodwig: I have a plan.
Nana: What?
Chlodwig: I thought
if I started talking
a plan would come out.
Baldric: One thing is certain.
We are not alone
in this castle.
[distant banging]
[thump]
Dwight: Ah.
Eeuh.
All: Aaaah!
Dwight: aaah.
- Princess Gretta.
- Emelian?
- You know this guy?
Wow, he is ripped
and way better looking than me.
Baldric: This is Emelian,
the son
of the royal woodcutter.
Gretta: And the first boy
I ever loved.
Baldric: Hm.
Wha?
Dwight: Mm.
Oh yeah,
he's got like a ten-pack.
I need a better muscle-toning
regimen.
Baldric: What were you doing
prowling about the castle, lad?
You nearly frightened
the wits out of us.
- I beg
your forgiveness,
we meant only
to secure the castle.
Baldric: We?
- Well, my father and I--
I fear we have made
an unspeakable mistake.
Dwight: You tied my Nana
to a tree!
Chlodwig: In his defense,
he does have
impressive forearms.
Dwight: What?
Chlodwig: I cannot dislike
a man with impressive forearms.
Hexela: And I can't dislike
a man with rippling muscles,
strong hands,
a jaw like an iron hammer,
and eyes that burn
like guilty pleasure!
[gasp]
- I can.
Woodcutter: Begging
your forgiveness, Highness.
We mistook your friends
for prowlers.
- Oh.
- An unforgiveable mistake.
- Pff, I have already
forgiven you.
So, now tell me,
is there a special lady
in your life?
Baldric: All right.
Gretta: Because, if not--
Baldric: All right.
[thunk]
Hexela: Do make
yourself comfortable.
[pat, pat]
Baldric: What are you
doing here?
Hm?
Emelian: Only making
an honest living
as a woodcutter, sir.
Woodcutter: Times are hard.
These woods have changed.
Hexela: I believe you have
every quality of my perfect man.
[gasp]
I have a list right here.
I keep it close to my heart.
Whoo!
Number one.
Broad shoulders.
[gasp]
Why can't I stop talking?
[gasp]
- Okay. Wow, what a day.
I'll be in my tent.
Dwight: Nana?
Baldric: Can we return
to the subject at hand!?
Hexela: Yes, number two,
family man.
Check.
Number three,
grizzly facial hair.
- But, I--
Hexela: Number four,
[scream]
I have got to stop... talking.
- Oh.
Hexela: [squeal]
[desperate yell]
Dwight: Okay. Group
talk, right now, Hexela's tent.
[thunk]
Be right back.
'Kay.
Just, uh, sit tight.
[awkward laugh]
Dwight: What the?
Chlodwig: I'm confused.
Gretta: Your tent brings us
here?
Dwight: This isn't camping.
Baldric: You never cease
to amaze me, Hexela.
Hexela: I'm too mortified
to accept compliments, Baldric.
Gretta: The witch is right.
This is a disaster.
Dwight: Hey guys.
Anyone else think there's
something weird going on
with the two super buff
woodcutter guys?
Hexela: Yes!
Yoska is a desirable catch,
why hasn't he settled down yet?
Anyone know?
Hm?
Baldric: [disgusted noise]
Chlodwig: I'm hungry.
I think I'll finish off
the cobbler.
- Oh!
Bring me some.
Baldric and Gretta: No!
It's truth berry cobbler.
Hexela: What?
Dwight: Which is why we all
keep running our mouths off
with no filter.
- Oh.
Chlodwig: No filter?
Dwight: You're pretty much
the same Chlodwig.
Hexela: [sighs] It had
to be truth berries.
- Do you think Emelian
finds me alluring?
Dwight: Of course
he finds you alluring.
You're the
most freakin' alluring girl
anyone's ever seen.
Chlodwig, will you slap me
super hard please.
[slap]
[grunt]
Gretta: That looks like it hurt.
Dwight: It did.
-You suspect
the woodcutters
of some evil purpose,
Sir Dwight?
Chlodwig: I have a plan.
Gretta: What?
Chlodwig: I'm trying to form it
into words in my mouth.
- You don't have
a plan, do you?
Chlodwig: No.
Dwight: No worries,
'cause I have a plan.
And it starts with cobbler.
- Mm.
Yoska: Very tasty.
Emelian: It's the best thing
I've ever had.
- That's sweet
of you guys,
it's actually a specialty
of mine,
an old family recipe
[rattling]
I have adapted over--
[candies falling]
Um, right, task at hand.
Uh, so what are you guys doing
here at the castle?
Yoska: We're looking
for a special tree.
[smack]
- Dad!
It's a secret.
- So, what's so special
about this tree.
Yoska: Well, it's magic.
If we cut it down we could
sell the wood for way more money
[smack, smack]spend
in a lifetime.
Why am I telling you
all this?
Dwight: Because you,
just ate more than your share
of truth berry cobbler.
[clatter]
Dwight: So,
I'll be asking the questions,
if you don't mind.
Thank you.
Emelian,
how do you get those washboard
abs and huge biceps?
- I swing an ax ten hours
a day.
- Wow! Really?
Why don't you guys wear
a shirt?
Yoska: We don't have shirts.
[candy clattering]
- [clears throat] So,
what makes you think
the magic tree is here?
- It isn't.
[smack, smack, smack]
We know the tree is exactly
[smack]
thirty furlongs
from this castle.
- We just don't know
in what direction.
Yosac: [grunts] We've been
searching these woods for years.
[grunt]
Confound it.
We've made a chart.
Of everywhere we've searched.
- Only this section remains.
Dwight: So this magic tree,
is in there somewhere?
Why did you guys tie up
Nana, Chlodwig and Hexela?
- We took them
for rival woodcutters.
- Woodcutters have rivals?
Yoska: [frustrated sigh]
Gretta: We shall help you find
your magic tree.
- Thank you, Highness.
- But only answer
this one question,
in the years
since we last met,
have you ever thought of me?
[gasp]
- Princess,
I have thought of you
every moment of my life
since the day
I first beheld you.
The morning sun
is your touch,
the breeze is your kiss,
the rustling of the leaves
is your voice.
You are in every breath,
and every thought,
and every beat of my heart.
- Okay, that answers
that question.
Who wants to go
on a magic tree quest?
[noises of relief]
Dwight: Just about
a furlong more.
Hexela: Oh! Civilization.
My feet are killing me.
Why do I insist on buying
an eight and a half
when I know I'm a nine.
Nana: Where to, Dwight?
- That way.
Quick march.
♪
Yoska: Son,
do you know what that is?
- This is the tree
you guys want to cut down?
Emelian: We can sell the wood
to wizards and witches
and mages and sorcerers.
- Do you take pre-orders?
[metal ringing]
Gretta: No one touches
this tree!
- Gretta.
- I will kill any man
who touches this tree.
- Princess,
Your Highness,
dear child.
- [half sobbing] It's, it's...
- Her mother.
[poignant music]
Emelian: Highness,
we didn't know.
Yoska: We would never harm
the queen.
[ax clatters to ground]
Not for all the money
in the world.
[Emelian's ax clatters down]
Chlodwig: There you are!
Huzzah!
We found the tree!
Nana: Shh!
Gretta: [sobbing quietly]
Emelian: I swear on my knees
to protect the queen
with my life
until the end of my days.
[sniff]
Yoska: And I so swear.
- [shuddering breath]
I dub thee knights of the realm
and protectors of the queen.
Rise Sir Yoska
and Sir Emelian.
- [clears throat]
[sniff]
♪
[rustling]
- Guys?
Baldric: Mm.
Nana: Good morning,
gummi bear.
Dwight: What are you?
Guys, we're supposed
to be camping.
Chlodwig: We're celebrating
Sir Dwight.
Have a breakfast burrito.
Baldric: The effects of the
truth berries have passed.
Dwight: You sure?
See if you can tell a lie.
Baldric: Oh, um.
I did not steal Hexela's
perfect man list
and set it on fire.
- I knew it!
Dwight: It's great news,
turns out a little truth
can go a long way.
Where's Gretta?
♪
[axes clanging]
Dwight: Uh, guys.
Gretta: Let him pass.
[gentle music]
♪
♪
♪
Dwight: She's beautiful Gretta.
♪