Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 2, Episode 5 - Switcheroo - full transcript
♪
Gretta: [gasps]
Is that the circus?
Dwight: Termites.
Gretta: Huh?
Nana: It's so nice of you two
to let us stay a few days.
Baldric: It is our duty
to give refuge to our subjects
should they come
under attack.
Chlodwig: The circus is
in town.
[laughs] I love the circus!
Dwight: Oh, no, no.
It's a fumigation tent.
Sorry, buddy.
Gretta: Sir Dwight's house
has been invaded
by legions of termites.
Dwight: True.
Gretta: And the circus has
come to vanquish them.
- False.
- Glory to the brave.
[triumphant music]
[theme music]
Dwight: Okay, so about
a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta.
And she was in big trouble,
because she had lots
of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician,
Baldric cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell
with his kiss,
and deal with
Gretta's big, scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Instead...
Ah!
[kissing noise]
they got me.
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
[whirring]
Dwight: Thanks for dinner, guys.
You know,
I'm not usually a parsnip guy,
but these were great.
Baldric: It was
my grandmother's recipe.
- What is this concoction?
Nana: Oh, we call it,
movin' and groovin' juice.
Dwight: No, no, we don't,
actually.
Not anymore.
Nana: Four ounces
of this stuff every night,
keeps things nice and loose.
It's mostly juiced prunes--
Dwight: Baldric!
I would love to get
that parsnip recipe.
Baldric: Ah, it's parsnips.
Nana: Dwight used
to get stopped up for days.
Baldric: Ew.
Nana: And when I say days,
I mean weeks.
I mean sometimes
it would get so bad
that I would just
have to make like--
Dwight: About tomorrow,
I'm gonna email you
those slides before bed.
- Oh, okay, great.
Dwight: Am I before
or after bunko?
Nana: After.
So you can take
as long as you want.
The ladies can't get enough
of you, sweetpea.
Chlodwig: Ladies?
- Oh. At the senior ladies
luncheon.
Dwight's doing
a lecture series
on understanding your grandkids.
What's your topic tomorrow?
- Texting with teens.
Nana: I'll meet you there, okay?
Dwight: Yeah, you got it.
Nana: Okay, you night owls.
I am going to get ready
for bed.
- Mm.
Nana: Mm.
Down the hatch, honeybear.
You don't want any slowdowns
tomorrow.
Um.
Night.
[dribbles]
Nana: All set down here?
- Yeah, yeah.
Got my air mattress,
my sleeping bag.
I'm all good.
- All righty then,
good night roomies.
Baldric: Good night, dear lady.
Gretta: May your frail bones
find rest under our roof.
Nana: Oh. I'm sure.
Chlodwig: And may the circus
soon be victorious!
- [grunts]
[gulping]
Dwight: You might want
to slow down on that, buddy.
It's gonna hit you
pretty hard tomorrow.
- Ah. 'Tis a hearty brew.
[small motor running]
Gretta: Huh.
Chlodwig: So, Sir Dwight,
tomorrow is a momentous day
for us both.
Dwight: Oh, yeah?
Chlodwig: You give your oration
to the leading ladies
of the village
and I escape the grasp
of Hexela, the witch.
- Hexela?
The witch?
The grasp?
- Indeed.
Dwight: Well, send.
Gretta: Well, what have you
to do with Hexela?
- We share an enthusiasm
for knucklebones.
- Oh.
- No.
Dwight: What's knucklebones?
- A game of chance.
- Hexela is unbeatable
at knucklebones.
Chlodwig: Oh fluffy stuff,
she's hardly unbeatable.
- You beat her?
- Well, not yet.
But I'm learning
her weaknesses
and deciphering her strategy.
- How much have you lost?
- Two hundred crowns.
Baldric: Two, uh?
Dwight: What are you?
Hey!
Look, that's my dinner
for tomorrow!
Chlodwig: How so?
Dwight: I wrote my name on it.
Chlodwig: Did you?
- You had to take
my name off of it to eat it.
Baldric: Is your brain addled?
What is the first thing
I taught you, Highness.
- Oh.
Never bring a dagger
to an ax fight.
Baldric: Mm.
Never owe a debt to a w...
- Witch.
Gretta and Baldric:
A witch, yes.
Chlodwig: Have no fear,
for I have a foolproof plan.
- [moans]
- Does it start with
making me more noodle salad?
Chlodwig: I have challenged
Dalibor the Destroyer
to a wrestling match.
- Dalibor?
- The destroyer?
- He'll destroy you.
- I think not.
Baldric: [doubtful noise]
Chlodwig: And to the victor
of the match,
goes a purse of 200 crowns.
- Mm.
- Brilliant, no?
Baldric and Gretta: No!
Chlodwig: I shall win the match,
pay the witch
and live happily ever after.
- Hm.
Baldric: A perfect plan
for a perfect fool.
Chlodwig: [snoring]
- Unbelievable.
[crickets chirping]
[dogs barking]
[quiet footsteps]
[bell rings loudly]
- Ten o'clock and all is well!
[grunts]
- Baldric?
Chlodwig: [snoring]
Dwight: [sighs]
[bell rings loudly]
- Ah!
- Eleven o'clock
and all is well!
Chlodwig: [snores]
Dwight: [sighs]
[bell rings loudly]
- Twelve o'clock
and all is well.
[bell rings]
[faint magical sound]
Baldric: [yawns]
[bell rings]
- What died in my mouth?
Uh, ew.
What?
What the?
Chlodwig!
- [snorts] Uh, oh.
- Aaaaah!
- Ah, floof.
[ax thwacks]
- Hm.
Chlodwig: Gretta!
Baldric!
Look everyone!
Scramble the jets!
Call the BBC!
Dwight: All useless efforts,
brother.
Give me but a moment
to explain!
Chlodwig: No!
No, no, no, no, no.
I do not want to hear a word out
of your mouth.
Um, my mouth.
Don't use my mouth!
Baldric: Cease
your caterwauling.
Chlodwig: Oh, I am going
to caterwaul my brains out.
You have never seen
caterwauling.
- What's amiss?
Baldric: Prince Chlodwig
is caterwauling.
- Today must be
my birthday.
Gretta: Happy birthday,
Sir Dwight.
Chlodwig: Over here!
I'm Sir Dwight.
- In what sense?
Chlodwig: The sense that I am
Sir Dwight in that dude's body.
Dwight: I clearly lost track
of the date,
Chlodwig: Waa!
Dwight: but how?
According to my runic calendar
my birthday should fall
on the second day
of the sixth new moon
in the year of Arloc.
Chlodwig: Dude,
I'm not a violent person
but I think I might actually
punch you in the face.
Dwight: Only consider,
brother, it's your face.
Chlodwig: [small grunt]
- Have you any idea
what is happening here?
Baldric: None, Your Highness.
Dwight: Allow me to explain.
On the day of my birth,
I came under a wizard's curse
that has plagued me ever since.
Every year on my birthday,
I live a day
in someone else's life.
- Oh.
Chlodwig: What a nut job curse!
Dwight: Specifically in the life
of the last person
whom I have wronged.
Gretta: Mm.
Chlodwig: You did eat
my noodle salad, and,
and, you slept
on my air mattress
in my sleeping bag.
Dwight: There you have it.
Chlodwig: You know what?
I'm over it.
Forgiven and forgotten.
Now, I just really need my body
back.
Dwight: It grieves me
to tell you this, Sir Dwight,
but we are trapped
in this predicament
until midnight tonight.
Chlodwig: No, no, no, no, no.
Look, I've got stuff today.
- As have I.
- The senior ladies
luncheon at 11:00.
- How does this luncheon
of senior ladies compare
to my match
with Dalibor?
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure
you're a no-show.
Dwight: Remember when you
face him do not be daunted
by his immense size.
Chlodwig: Chlodwig, I am not
fighting Dalibor the Desolator.
Dwight:
Dalibor the Destroyer.
- Not doing it.
- But it's the match
of the century.
The bandit's will never allow me
to renege.
Chlodwig:
The bandits can eat it.
What are they gonna do?
[yelling]
Gretta: Dwight! Dwight!
I'm coming!
Baldric: Unhand him!
Gretta: You stay with, with,
Chlodwig.
- Right.
- Stout heart, Sir Dwight!
All my hopes go
with him, Baldric.
He cannot fail.
He will not fail.
- He certainly can,
and most likely will.
Dwight: I will not fail him.
We must ready ourselves
and be off.
- Whither?
- To the senior ladies luncheon.
- Oh.
[sarcastic] Huzzah.
♪
♪
[Bandits laughing]
- I swear, if another
bandit puts me in another bag,
whoa.
Bandit: Behold the challenger!
[crowd cheers]
Bandit: Prince Chlodwig...
the Unstable.
[crowd shouts
in appreciation]
Chlodwig: Uh, hi.
Is there any way we can push
this thing to tomorrow?
- That's not Dalibor
the Destroyer.
- Huh?
- That's his spear carrier.
[crowd cheers]
Gretta: This is--
- I know.
Bandit: Dalibor the Destroyer!
[crowd cheering]
Dalibor: [very gruff]
I destroy you.
- I, I'm sure you will.
Dalibor: [growls]
- [whimpers] I'm gonna die!
If I die, who dies,
me or Chlodwig?
Gretta: Have courage,
Sir Dwight.
[punch]
Chlodwig: Ow.
- Show no fear.
Chlodwig: You show no fear,
you're not the one
who has to battle
Dalavor the Destructor!
Gretta: Dalibor the Destroyer.
Chlodwig: Whatever that ton
of big, hairy man.
You're not fighting him.
- Well, nor you.
You must escape.
Chlodwig: Good idea.
Gretta: Behave naturally.
- Copy that.
Ew.
What are you--
Gretta!
- I will create a diversion.
Chlodwig: What diversion?
Uh.
- I'm thinking.
Chlodwig: Uh, Gretta?
Gretta: Hail, fellows!
Would you like to see
some magic?
Dalibor: [growls]
Gretta: Behold
I shall remove my thumb
from my own hand.
[crowd ohs]
Man: Is she a witch?
Dalibor: Ah.
Bandit: Fight!
[rock music]
♪
♪
♪
♪
Dalibor: [roaring]
[thud]
Gretta: Dwight! Dwight!
Dwight. Dwight.
Chlodwig: Is it over?
- You lost.
- That's fine with me.
[old-fashioned music]
Dwight: Ladies!
Your wait is over.
Nana: Dwight, there you are.
And Baldric?
Uh, so nice of you to join
the ladies luncheon, I--
Baldric: I shall explain all.
Ladies.
- Bewitched.
Captivated.
Nana: Uh.
Oh, uh, Dwight, honey.
Uh, how 'bout we get started.
- Mm, yeah.
Nana: Um, texting with teens.
Dwight: Ah, yes.
My oration.
Nana: Uh, sure thing, uh,
I'll run the slides.
Dwight: My youth was one
of privilege but isolation.
A wilderness of the soul.
[cheering]
Gretta: You were a great sport.
You know that?
I am proud of you.
Hexela: How now,
Prince Chlodwig?
Gretta: Hexela.
- You owe me 200 crowns.
A debt you swore you'd pay
by sunset.
Gretta: What's the first thing
you need to know?
Chlodwig: Never wrestle a guy
who's last name is Destroyer.
Gretta: Never owe a debt
to a witch.
- Mm.
Chlodwig: Tell you what Hexela,
Chlodwig will pay you
tomorrow first thing.
Gretta: A word in your ear,
Prince Chlodwig.
She mustn't know that
you aren't Chlodwig.
Chlodwig: Why not?
Gretta: Because
this is a witch's debt
and it must be paid
on the promised time
and it may only be paid
by Chlodwig.
Chlodwig: If he doesn't?
Gretta: I shudder to think.
[shuddering noise]
Chlodwig: Sorry,
you were saying?
- I'm generally known
as a reasonable woman.
- By whom?
- And since I do enjoy
a good game of knucklebones,
I propose we play.
If you win,
your debt is forgiven.
- What if I don't?
- [small laugh]
- He doesn't have
any money, Hexela.
You can't draw blood
from a turnip.
- Maybe you can't.
But in answer
to your question,
I might be willing to accept
payment of another sort.
Chlodwig: What sort?
Hexela: Hm.
Let me think, perhaps,
your earlobes!
Chlodwig: Why do you want
my earlobes?
Hexela: Let's just say
a prince's earlobes are
handy little things.
[slap]
Hexela: Ah!
- And if we refuse
your proposal?
- Well then I shall
simply have to recoup my losses
in some other way.
[gasp]
Perhaps I'll sell you
to the bandits.
Hi boys!
Dolliver.
Call me.
Do come along, children.
[snap]
Chlodwig: Huh. Give me a minute.
[stomach gurgles loudly]
- What's amiss?
Chlodwig:
I am movin' and groovin'
[stomach grumbling]
Excuse me.
Dwight: My dearest friends
were the shadow puppets
I created on the walls
of my private quarters.
- Uh.
- Yes. I see.
This is a random assembly
of letters.
It is the nonsense babbled
by lunatics.
Pay it no heed.
Nana: Oh! I know this one!
I love you, hugs and kisses.
[applause]
- Pardon?
- Go ahead.
- Uh.
R-r-rotafool.
A Flemish word, I believe.
Woman 1: Oh, rolling
on the floor laughing.
[applause]
- This ancient woman
is unwell.
Baldric: Ah, I see.
Ha, ha.
That is clever.
Each letter represents
a word.
Ha, ha, ha.
Oo, do another one.
- Oh!
Baldric: [stammering]
Better take waffles!
Ah!
Dwight: Excellent advice.
Baldric: Thank you.
- Oh!
[mumbling]
Baldric and Dwight: Ah, ha, ha.
Dwight: Another one.
- Oh, yeah.
Baldric: Um.
Dwight: Uh, uh, uh, br, br
bring roasted beef!
- Ah yes.
Dwight: Bring roasted beef!
[women laughing]
Dwight: Another! More!
Nana: Ah, here we go.
Dwight and Baldric: W, w, w...
- Wear your winter hat!
[All laughing]
Dwight: My turn, my turn.
One more.
Yes.
Uh, ling,
ling,
lemur,
lock,
lemon...
Lady of love.
Baldric: No, no,
don't do that.
Stop it.
Hexela: Have a seat my dear.
[clears throat]
We all know the rules.
- Let's pretend we don't.
Hexela: Pardon?
Chlodwig: Just talk me
through it.
I just like the way
you explain things.
- Oh.
Very well then, Your Highness.
We throw the bones.
- What bones?
Hexela: These bones.
[clattering]
Gretta: Each bone has
four sides,
each side has a number.
- I'm sorry,
where are these bones from?
- [clears throat]
Are you quite certain
you want to know?
- I'm quite certain
I don't want to know.
- Mm-hm.
Gretta: You each get three turns
to throw the bones.
- Okay.
Gretta: After each turn
your numbers will be added.
- Uh-huh.
- Whoever has
the greatest number
after three rounds, wins.
- Th- that's it?
There's zero skill involved
in this game.
Hexela: [laughs and snorts]
Well, that is a matter
of opinion.
Gretta: Hexela is a master
at knucklebones.
Hexela: Oh!
Chlodwig: But it's all luck!
- Well, then let's begin.
And see who fortune
will favor today.
[laughs]
[clattering]
Hexela: One, three, three, two.
[clicking]
Not bad.
[rattling]
[blows]
Gretta: Two, one, three, one.
[clicking]
Hexela: Oh, seven for you,
eight for me.
On to round two.
Chlodwig: Wait a second,
my score was one,
three, three, two.
That adds up to nine.
- Not by my calculations, no.
- Your calculations,
your what?
You realize why
she's unbeatable
at knucklebones, right?
- What are you suggesting, sir.
- Math has come a long way
in the last thousand years.
- Ha!
- Do you have your phone?
- I believe so.
Chlodwig:
There's two rounds left
and here's how they're gonna go.
We're gonna use your bones,
my calculator.
- [noise of frustration]
Nana: [singing]
Happy birthday, dear Chlodwig,
in Dwight's body,
happy birthday to you.
[applause]
Chlodwig: Hey guys.
- Blow out your candle.
- [blows very hard]
Now, we feast.
Chlodwig: It's all you,
birthday boy.
- Mm.
I believe this is the first time
I've celebrated my birthday.
Nana: Really?
- What with the wizard's curse,
my birthday's always been
something of a hardship.
Nana: Poor thing.
Dwight: With the exception
of today.
I have not spent a day
in one's life
that I have enjoyed more
than yours, Sir Dwight.
Chlodwig: Thanks, man.
Baldric: Have no fear.
Prince Chlodwig fulfilled
your duty
at the senior ladies luncheon.
- Oh, wow.
Nana: He made quite a splash.
Gretta: Huh.
- I think you have
several dates already lined up.
Dwight: Mm.
What of you, Sir Dwight?
Were you victorious
in your match
with Dalibor the Destroyer?
- He destroyed me.
- No.
- Yeah, sorry dude.
- What of the witch?
My debt.
Gretta: Well, Sir Dwight has
bested Hexela at knucklebones.
Baldric: Ha!
Impossible!
- How?
- What's the first thing
you need to know.
- Never eat
the last lemon fritter
at a dwarf banquet.
Baldric: Mm,
never owe a debt to a witch.
Chlodwig: Never let the witch
do the math.
- Ah!
Dwight: Mm, mm.
[squeak]
♪
Baldric: Rouse yourselves,
sluggards!
It is a new day.
- Huzzah!
Rejoice fellows,
for I am Chlodwig once more.
Baldric: [laughs]
Dwight: Fluffy stuffs,
there is only one Chlodwig,
and it is I.
Gretta: Uh.
- But, but, but...
Dwight: [laughs] I'm just
messing with you man.
Who wants waffles?
Baldric: Oo, waffles.
- Huh.
Gretta: Perhaps
with some move along juice.
Chlodwig: Most certainly,
we don't want
any slowdowns today.
♪
Gretta: [gasps]
Is that the circus?
Dwight: Termites.
Gretta: Huh?
Nana: It's so nice of you two
to let us stay a few days.
Baldric: It is our duty
to give refuge to our subjects
should they come
under attack.
Chlodwig: The circus is
in town.
[laughs] I love the circus!
Dwight: Oh, no, no.
It's a fumigation tent.
Sorry, buddy.
Gretta: Sir Dwight's house
has been invaded
by legions of termites.
Dwight: True.
Gretta: And the circus has
come to vanquish them.
- False.
- Glory to the brave.
[triumphant music]
[theme music]
Dwight: Okay, so about
a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta.
And she was in big trouble,
because she had lots
of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician,
Baldric cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell
with his kiss,
and deal with
Gretta's big, scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Instead...
Ah!
[kissing noise]
they got me.
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
[whirring]
Dwight: Thanks for dinner, guys.
You know,
I'm not usually a parsnip guy,
but these were great.
Baldric: It was
my grandmother's recipe.
- What is this concoction?
Nana: Oh, we call it,
movin' and groovin' juice.
Dwight: No, no, we don't,
actually.
Not anymore.
Nana: Four ounces
of this stuff every night,
keeps things nice and loose.
It's mostly juiced prunes--
Dwight: Baldric!
I would love to get
that parsnip recipe.
Baldric: Ah, it's parsnips.
Nana: Dwight used
to get stopped up for days.
Baldric: Ew.
Nana: And when I say days,
I mean weeks.
I mean sometimes
it would get so bad
that I would just
have to make like--
Dwight: About tomorrow,
I'm gonna email you
those slides before bed.
- Oh, okay, great.
Dwight: Am I before
or after bunko?
Nana: After.
So you can take
as long as you want.
The ladies can't get enough
of you, sweetpea.
Chlodwig: Ladies?
- Oh. At the senior ladies
luncheon.
Dwight's doing
a lecture series
on understanding your grandkids.
What's your topic tomorrow?
- Texting with teens.
Nana: I'll meet you there, okay?
Dwight: Yeah, you got it.
Nana: Okay, you night owls.
I am going to get ready
for bed.
- Mm.
Nana: Mm.
Down the hatch, honeybear.
You don't want any slowdowns
tomorrow.
Um.
Night.
[dribbles]
Nana: All set down here?
- Yeah, yeah.
Got my air mattress,
my sleeping bag.
I'm all good.
- All righty then,
good night roomies.
Baldric: Good night, dear lady.
Gretta: May your frail bones
find rest under our roof.
Nana: Oh. I'm sure.
Chlodwig: And may the circus
soon be victorious!
- [grunts]
[gulping]
Dwight: You might want
to slow down on that, buddy.
It's gonna hit you
pretty hard tomorrow.
- Ah. 'Tis a hearty brew.
[small motor running]
Gretta: Huh.
Chlodwig: So, Sir Dwight,
tomorrow is a momentous day
for us both.
Dwight: Oh, yeah?
Chlodwig: You give your oration
to the leading ladies
of the village
and I escape the grasp
of Hexela, the witch.
- Hexela?
The witch?
The grasp?
- Indeed.
Dwight: Well, send.
Gretta: Well, what have you
to do with Hexela?
- We share an enthusiasm
for knucklebones.
- Oh.
- No.
Dwight: What's knucklebones?
- A game of chance.
- Hexela is unbeatable
at knucklebones.
Chlodwig: Oh fluffy stuff,
she's hardly unbeatable.
- You beat her?
- Well, not yet.
But I'm learning
her weaknesses
and deciphering her strategy.
- How much have you lost?
- Two hundred crowns.
Baldric: Two, uh?
Dwight: What are you?
Hey!
Look, that's my dinner
for tomorrow!
Chlodwig: How so?
Dwight: I wrote my name on it.
Chlodwig: Did you?
- You had to take
my name off of it to eat it.
Baldric: Is your brain addled?
What is the first thing
I taught you, Highness.
- Oh.
Never bring a dagger
to an ax fight.
Baldric: Mm.
Never owe a debt to a w...
- Witch.
Gretta and Baldric:
A witch, yes.
Chlodwig: Have no fear,
for I have a foolproof plan.
- [moans]
- Does it start with
making me more noodle salad?
Chlodwig: I have challenged
Dalibor the Destroyer
to a wrestling match.
- Dalibor?
- The destroyer?
- He'll destroy you.
- I think not.
Baldric: [doubtful noise]
Chlodwig: And to the victor
of the match,
goes a purse of 200 crowns.
- Mm.
- Brilliant, no?
Baldric and Gretta: No!
Chlodwig: I shall win the match,
pay the witch
and live happily ever after.
- Hm.
Baldric: A perfect plan
for a perfect fool.
Chlodwig: [snoring]
- Unbelievable.
[crickets chirping]
[dogs barking]
[quiet footsteps]
[bell rings loudly]
- Ten o'clock and all is well!
[grunts]
- Baldric?
Chlodwig: [snoring]
Dwight: [sighs]
[bell rings loudly]
- Ah!
- Eleven o'clock
and all is well!
Chlodwig: [snores]
Dwight: [sighs]
[bell rings loudly]
- Twelve o'clock
and all is well.
[bell rings]
[faint magical sound]
Baldric: [yawns]
[bell rings]
- What died in my mouth?
Uh, ew.
What?
What the?
Chlodwig!
- [snorts] Uh, oh.
- Aaaaah!
- Ah, floof.
[ax thwacks]
- Hm.
Chlodwig: Gretta!
Baldric!
Look everyone!
Scramble the jets!
Call the BBC!
Dwight: All useless efforts,
brother.
Give me but a moment
to explain!
Chlodwig: No!
No, no, no, no, no.
I do not want to hear a word out
of your mouth.
Um, my mouth.
Don't use my mouth!
Baldric: Cease
your caterwauling.
Chlodwig: Oh, I am going
to caterwaul my brains out.
You have never seen
caterwauling.
- What's amiss?
Baldric: Prince Chlodwig
is caterwauling.
- Today must be
my birthday.
Gretta: Happy birthday,
Sir Dwight.
Chlodwig: Over here!
I'm Sir Dwight.
- In what sense?
Chlodwig: The sense that I am
Sir Dwight in that dude's body.
Dwight: I clearly lost track
of the date,
Chlodwig: Waa!
Dwight: but how?
According to my runic calendar
my birthday should fall
on the second day
of the sixth new moon
in the year of Arloc.
Chlodwig: Dude,
I'm not a violent person
but I think I might actually
punch you in the face.
Dwight: Only consider,
brother, it's your face.
Chlodwig: [small grunt]
- Have you any idea
what is happening here?
Baldric: None, Your Highness.
Dwight: Allow me to explain.
On the day of my birth,
I came under a wizard's curse
that has plagued me ever since.
Every year on my birthday,
I live a day
in someone else's life.
- Oh.
Chlodwig: What a nut job curse!
Dwight: Specifically in the life
of the last person
whom I have wronged.
Gretta: Mm.
Chlodwig: You did eat
my noodle salad, and,
and, you slept
on my air mattress
in my sleeping bag.
Dwight: There you have it.
Chlodwig: You know what?
I'm over it.
Forgiven and forgotten.
Now, I just really need my body
back.
Dwight: It grieves me
to tell you this, Sir Dwight,
but we are trapped
in this predicament
until midnight tonight.
Chlodwig: No, no, no, no, no.
Look, I've got stuff today.
- As have I.
- The senior ladies
luncheon at 11:00.
- How does this luncheon
of senior ladies compare
to my match
with Dalibor?
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure
you're a no-show.
Dwight: Remember when you
face him do not be daunted
by his immense size.
Chlodwig: Chlodwig, I am not
fighting Dalibor the Desolator.
Dwight:
Dalibor the Destroyer.
- Not doing it.
- But it's the match
of the century.
The bandit's will never allow me
to renege.
Chlodwig:
The bandits can eat it.
What are they gonna do?
[yelling]
Gretta: Dwight! Dwight!
I'm coming!
Baldric: Unhand him!
Gretta: You stay with, with,
Chlodwig.
- Right.
- Stout heart, Sir Dwight!
All my hopes go
with him, Baldric.
He cannot fail.
He will not fail.
- He certainly can,
and most likely will.
Dwight: I will not fail him.
We must ready ourselves
and be off.
- Whither?
- To the senior ladies luncheon.
- Oh.
[sarcastic] Huzzah.
♪
♪
[Bandits laughing]
- I swear, if another
bandit puts me in another bag,
whoa.
Bandit: Behold the challenger!
[crowd cheers]
Bandit: Prince Chlodwig...
the Unstable.
[crowd shouts
in appreciation]
Chlodwig: Uh, hi.
Is there any way we can push
this thing to tomorrow?
- That's not Dalibor
the Destroyer.
- Huh?
- That's his spear carrier.
[crowd cheers]
Gretta: This is--
- I know.
Bandit: Dalibor the Destroyer!
[crowd cheering]
Dalibor: [very gruff]
I destroy you.
- I, I'm sure you will.
Dalibor: [growls]
- [whimpers] I'm gonna die!
If I die, who dies,
me or Chlodwig?
Gretta: Have courage,
Sir Dwight.
[punch]
Chlodwig: Ow.
- Show no fear.
Chlodwig: You show no fear,
you're not the one
who has to battle
Dalavor the Destructor!
Gretta: Dalibor the Destroyer.
Chlodwig: Whatever that ton
of big, hairy man.
You're not fighting him.
- Well, nor you.
You must escape.
Chlodwig: Good idea.
Gretta: Behave naturally.
- Copy that.
Ew.
What are you--
Gretta!
- I will create a diversion.
Chlodwig: What diversion?
Uh.
- I'm thinking.
Chlodwig: Uh, Gretta?
Gretta: Hail, fellows!
Would you like to see
some magic?
Dalibor: [growls]
Gretta: Behold
I shall remove my thumb
from my own hand.
[crowd ohs]
Man: Is she a witch?
Dalibor: Ah.
Bandit: Fight!
[rock music]
♪
♪
♪
♪
Dalibor: [roaring]
[thud]
Gretta: Dwight! Dwight!
Dwight. Dwight.
Chlodwig: Is it over?
- You lost.
- That's fine with me.
[old-fashioned music]
Dwight: Ladies!
Your wait is over.
Nana: Dwight, there you are.
And Baldric?
Uh, so nice of you to join
the ladies luncheon, I--
Baldric: I shall explain all.
Ladies.
- Bewitched.
Captivated.
Nana: Uh.
Oh, uh, Dwight, honey.
Uh, how 'bout we get started.
- Mm, yeah.
Nana: Um, texting with teens.
Dwight: Ah, yes.
My oration.
Nana: Uh, sure thing, uh,
I'll run the slides.
Dwight: My youth was one
of privilege but isolation.
A wilderness of the soul.
[cheering]
Gretta: You were a great sport.
You know that?
I am proud of you.
Hexela: How now,
Prince Chlodwig?
Gretta: Hexela.
- You owe me 200 crowns.
A debt you swore you'd pay
by sunset.
Gretta: What's the first thing
you need to know?
Chlodwig: Never wrestle a guy
who's last name is Destroyer.
Gretta: Never owe a debt
to a witch.
- Mm.
Chlodwig: Tell you what Hexela,
Chlodwig will pay you
tomorrow first thing.
Gretta: A word in your ear,
Prince Chlodwig.
She mustn't know that
you aren't Chlodwig.
Chlodwig: Why not?
Gretta: Because
this is a witch's debt
and it must be paid
on the promised time
and it may only be paid
by Chlodwig.
Chlodwig: If he doesn't?
Gretta: I shudder to think.
[shuddering noise]
Chlodwig: Sorry,
you were saying?
- I'm generally known
as a reasonable woman.
- By whom?
- And since I do enjoy
a good game of knucklebones,
I propose we play.
If you win,
your debt is forgiven.
- What if I don't?
- [small laugh]
- He doesn't have
any money, Hexela.
You can't draw blood
from a turnip.
- Maybe you can't.
But in answer
to your question,
I might be willing to accept
payment of another sort.
Chlodwig: What sort?
Hexela: Hm.
Let me think, perhaps,
your earlobes!
Chlodwig: Why do you want
my earlobes?
Hexela: Let's just say
a prince's earlobes are
handy little things.
[slap]
Hexela: Ah!
- And if we refuse
your proposal?
- Well then I shall
simply have to recoup my losses
in some other way.
[gasp]
Perhaps I'll sell you
to the bandits.
Hi boys!
Dolliver.
Call me.
Do come along, children.
[snap]
Chlodwig: Huh. Give me a minute.
[stomach gurgles loudly]
- What's amiss?
Chlodwig:
I am movin' and groovin'
[stomach grumbling]
Excuse me.
Dwight: My dearest friends
were the shadow puppets
I created on the walls
of my private quarters.
- Uh.
- Yes. I see.
This is a random assembly
of letters.
It is the nonsense babbled
by lunatics.
Pay it no heed.
Nana: Oh! I know this one!
I love you, hugs and kisses.
[applause]
- Pardon?
- Go ahead.
- Uh.
R-r-rotafool.
A Flemish word, I believe.
Woman 1: Oh, rolling
on the floor laughing.
[applause]
- This ancient woman
is unwell.
Baldric: Ah, I see.
Ha, ha.
That is clever.
Each letter represents
a word.
Ha, ha, ha.
Oo, do another one.
- Oh!
Baldric: [stammering]
Better take waffles!
Ah!
Dwight: Excellent advice.
Baldric: Thank you.
- Oh!
[mumbling]
Baldric and Dwight: Ah, ha, ha.
Dwight: Another one.
- Oh, yeah.
Baldric: Um.
Dwight: Uh, uh, uh, br, br
bring roasted beef!
- Ah yes.
Dwight: Bring roasted beef!
[women laughing]
Dwight: Another! More!
Nana: Ah, here we go.
Dwight and Baldric: W, w, w...
- Wear your winter hat!
[All laughing]
Dwight: My turn, my turn.
One more.
Yes.
Uh, ling,
ling,
lemur,
lock,
lemon...
Lady of love.
Baldric: No, no,
don't do that.
Stop it.
Hexela: Have a seat my dear.
[clears throat]
We all know the rules.
- Let's pretend we don't.
Hexela: Pardon?
Chlodwig: Just talk me
through it.
I just like the way
you explain things.
- Oh.
Very well then, Your Highness.
We throw the bones.
- What bones?
Hexela: These bones.
[clattering]
Gretta: Each bone has
four sides,
each side has a number.
- I'm sorry,
where are these bones from?
- [clears throat]
Are you quite certain
you want to know?
- I'm quite certain
I don't want to know.
- Mm-hm.
Gretta: You each get three turns
to throw the bones.
- Okay.
Gretta: After each turn
your numbers will be added.
- Uh-huh.
- Whoever has
the greatest number
after three rounds, wins.
- Th- that's it?
There's zero skill involved
in this game.
Hexela: [laughs and snorts]
Well, that is a matter
of opinion.
Gretta: Hexela is a master
at knucklebones.
Hexela: Oh!
Chlodwig: But it's all luck!
- Well, then let's begin.
And see who fortune
will favor today.
[laughs]
[clattering]
Hexela: One, three, three, two.
[clicking]
Not bad.
[rattling]
[blows]
Gretta: Two, one, three, one.
[clicking]
Hexela: Oh, seven for you,
eight for me.
On to round two.
Chlodwig: Wait a second,
my score was one,
three, three, two.
That adds up to nine.
- Not by my calculations, no.
- Your calculations,
your what?
You realize why
she's unbeatable
at knucklebones, right?
- What are you suggesting, sir.
- Math has come a long way
in the last thousand years.
- Ha!
- Do you have your phone?
- I believe so.
Chlodwig:
There's two rounds left
and here's how they're gonna go.
We're gonna use your bones,
my calculator.
- [noise of frustration]
Nana: [singing]
Happy birthday, dear Chlodwig,
in Dwight's body,
happy birthday to you.
[applause]
Chlodwig: Hey guys.
- Blow out your candle.
- [blows very hard]
Now, we feast.
Chlodwig: It's all you,
birthday boy.
- Mm.
I believe this is the first time
I've celebrated my birthday.
Nana: Really?
- What with the wizard's curse,
my birthday's always been
something of a hardship.
Nana: Poor thing.
Dwight: With the exception
of today.
I have not spent a day
in one's life
that I have enjoyed more
than yours, Sir Dwight.
Chlodwig: Thanks, man.
Baldric: Have no fear.
Prince Chlodwig fulfilled
your duty
at the senior ladies luncheon.
- Oh, wow.
Nana: He made quite a splash.
Gretta: Huh.
- I think you have
several dates already lined up.
Dwight: Mm.
What of you, Sir Dwight?
Were you victorious
in your match
with Dalibor the Destroyer?
- He destroyed me.
- No.
- Yeah, sorry dude.
- What of the witch?
My debt.
Gretta: Well, Sir Dwight has
bested Hexela at knucklebones.
Baldric: Ha!
Impossible!
- How?
- What's the first thing
you need to know.
- Never eat
the last lemon fritter
at a dwarf banquet.
Baldric: Mm,
never owe a debt to a witch.
Chlodwig: Never let the witch
do the math.
- Ah!
Dwight: Mm, mm.
[squeak]
♪
Baldric: Rouse yourselves,
sluggards!
It is a new day.
- Huzzah!
Rejoice fellows,
for I am Chlodwig once more.
Baldric: [laughs]
Dwight: Fluffy stuffs,
there is only one Chlodwig,
and it is I.
Gretta: Uh.
- But, but, but...
Dwight: [laughs] I'm just
messing with you man.
Who wants waffles?
Baldric: Oo, waffles.
- Huh.
Gretta: Perhaps
with some move along juice.
Chlodwig: Most certainly,
we don't want
any slowdowns today.
♪