Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 2, Episode 3 - All Hail the Woodchuck - full transcript
[cheering]
Male Cheerleader:
We took down Timberland!
We decimated Forest Glen!
And we obliterated Riverside!
None of that
is gonna mean a thing
if we don't wipe the floor
with Lakeview High
in the big game tonight!
[cheering]
Male Cheerleader:
This is it Woodside!
This is the showdown
with our biggest rivals,
all right?
We need you out there
in full force tonight.
[cheering]
[ominous breathing]
[ominous breathing]
Gretta: Sir Dwight,
it is almost time.
[muffled groans]
- You are unwell.
- What?
No, no, no, no.
I'm fine.
Male Cheerleader: Do you hear
that Lakeview?
[cheering]
Male Cheerleader: That's
what's waiting for you tonight.
[cheering]
Male Cheerleader: We are going
to tear you guys apart!
And just in case
you don't think we're serious.
We stole your precious little
horn out of your trophy case.
Yeah, and if you want it back,
you're gonna have
to fight us for it.
[horn sounds long and loud]
[birds chirping]
[horn is heard again]
[growls]
[theme music]
Dwight: Okay,
about a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta.
And she was in big trouble,
because she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
♪
So her court magician,
Baldric cast the champion spell.
It put everyone
in the woods to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with
Gretta's big, scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Instead...
Ah!
[kissing noise]
they got me.
♪
Ah!
♪
Dwight: Ow!
♪
[cheering]
Male Cheerleader:
Now, to bring us home,
Woodside's very own good luck
charm, Woody the Woodchuck!
[cheering]
- Have no fear,
I know what to do.
My uncle suffered
from the mariner's plague.
- The what?
- I will get the leeches.
- No!
[breathing deeply]
Hee, hee, hoo, hoo.
Okay.
The woodchuck must go on.
Woo!
Woodchuck!
[music and cheering]
[music and cheering]
[music and cheering]
[music and cheering]
[music and cheering]
[stomach gurgling loudly]
Dwight: [vomiting]
[groans]
All better.
[phone notification]
Uh, uh.
Snackstand.
Gretta: No.
Sir Dwight, you need rest,
in a dark room with no drafts
where we can let
the foul blood out of you.
Dwight: No, we're leaving
my blood right where it is.
Gretta: But we must--
Dwight: I can't be sick, okay.
Lakeview is our biggest rival,
and Woody must come through.
- Come through what?
- Woody the Woodchuck
has only missed three games
in the last twenty years,
and each
of those three times,
we have suffered
our worst defeats.
Woody means everything
to this school.
And even if I am p--
[gags]
feeling a bit touchy
in the tummy,
the Woodchuck
has to bring it.
- Bring what?
- Sir Dwight!
I just heard
the fateful news.
Dwight: What's that?
Baldric: A tonic.
It could make a dead man leap
from his grave.
- I'm not even gonna
ask what's in it.
- Very wise.
- Okay, what's in it?
Baldric: The juice
of five figs.
- Uh-huh.
Baldric: The powdered pits
of three apricots.
- It actually doesn't
sound so--
- The intestines
of two field mice.
- And there it is.
Look, I appreciate your concern,
but I'm good.
I'm actually allergic
to apricot pits.
Baldric: Oh.
- And field mice.
Boy: Dwight, hey whoa.
Dude, you look like... terrible.
Gretta: It's the plague.
Or the scourge.
Possibly the pestilence.
- It's the half-off sushi.
- Oh.
[gulp]
Baldric: To protect
against the half-off sushi.
Boy: Have you tried castor oil?
And peanut butter
with ginger?
Got my dad up and running
after he had
a really bad tuna roll.
Dwight: Okay, do we have um,
organic popcorn, um,
brown rice krispie squares
and biodegradable,
um, plastic straws?
- Uh, check, check and check.
Dude, seriously,
you look like death.
Like, really, really deathly.
Dwight: Thanks man.
[slap]
Go Woodchucks.
Boy: Go Woodchucks.
- Have you
any mutton shanks?
[ominous drumming]
Baldric: Begone, devils.
[shaking] I say begone!
Begone!
- Gak!
Good luck charm.
For the big game.
Look guys.
I really appreciate
all your chants
and all your tonics and
[sniffing] what is this?
- Devil Begone.
- You know what?
I'm actually feeling better.
- Oh.
- And you know why?
Because
I don't have a choice.
I have a job to do.
I have several jobs to do.
Gretta: But can't someone
else--
Dwight: No!
I will not be that guy.
Nobody else is gonna be
Woody the Woodchuck
for the pre-game
or half-time shows,
and nobody else is going
to announce the game.
It is on me.
- I truly admire
your valor, Sir Dwight.
Dwight: Lakeview is our arch
enemy and we will not go down
on my watch.
- You mean our honor
is at stake?
- Yeah.
- Huh.
I understand.
We will uphold the honor
of Woodside.
- Glory to the brave.
- Great.
- ALL HAIL THE WOODCHUCK!
- 'Kay.
Hey Sophie,
how are we looking for--
- Dwight,
you don't look so hot.
[distorted]
You don't look so hot.
[sounds are distorted]
Are you hungry, Dwight?
Or do you just want a bite?
Dwight: [gagging
with mouth closed]
Baldric: Oh!
Dwight: [vomiting loudly]
[shaking]
[cheering]
Baldric: What weapons
have they chosen?
Gretta:
Only those orange orbs.
- Strange choice
of weapon.
[cheering and music]
Baldric: Sir Dwight!
You are called to arms.
Gretta: I will go tell them
you are unwell.
Dwight: No, no, no.
The pre-game is just
as important as
a pep rally
and half time shows.
It's all part
of the Woodside ritual.
If Woody doesn't show,
we don't win.
It is a proven aoo- ao-
algorithm.
Thirty more seconds.
Aaaah.
So cold.
So nice.
Okay, okay, mm.
Here we go.
[inhales deeply]
- For the honor
of Woodside.
- Uh.
Baldric: ALL HAIL
THE WOODCHUCK!
[cheering]
- Oh look,
it's a little Woodchuck.
Baldric: Woody!
Woody!
Woody!
Woody!
Woody!
Woody!
Woody!
Dwight: She knows
it's just a show, right?
Highlander Mascot: Oh, hi buddy,
I don't know whether
to hug you or to
[thwap]
[thud]
[cheering]
- Siri, text Jake an apology.
Siri: Apologizing to Jake.
Highlander Mascot:
What the heck was that, man?
That's not what we rehearsed.
[thwap]
[cheering]
Baldric: Nice!
Baldric: Nice!
[horn sounds]
[horn sounds again]
Highlander: [growls]
Gretta: But how was I to know
it was for show?
Dwight: Because this is
the non-insane century.
Remember?
Nice turf?
We don't have death matches
at basketball games!
Baldric: Still,
impressive show of force.
Gretta: Thank you.
Baldric: I am so exhilarated.
What's next?
It's as though I'm back
at the mage versus wizard
battle of 986.
Hm?
[laughing]
- I have
to announce the game.
You have to cheer and watch.
Excuse me.
[thud]
[choking for air]
Gretta: Powerful weapon indeed.
Baldric: An orb of havoc.
I've heard of them,
though I've never seen one
with my own eyes.
- I need a minute.all.
[buzzer]
Wait, wait,
I'm supposed to announce the...
Baldric: Leave it to me,
Sir Dwight.
Dwight: Wait, no, no, no.
Baldric: You may recall
Sir Dwight,
that I recently served
as Grand Marshall
for the three-legged race.
Never fear, Sir Dwight.
[slap]
Dwight: Ow.
Baldric: I've got this
on lock up!
Dwight: Lock down.
- Yes.
[clears throat]
Hear ye, peasant youth!
It is my great honor to welcome
you to this contest
between the valorous
Woodchucks of Woodside!
[cheering]
And the heinous
[mic feedback]
Highlanders of Lakeview!
[booing]
♪
The blue knight prepares
to unleash the orb of havoc
on the red knights.
What's this?
The red knights have thrown
their hands up in the air
in surrender!
Huzzah!
The battle is won!
[Baldric laughs] Wait!
The merciless blue knight
releases the orb of havoc
and it goes straight
into a fish net,
a broken fish net.
Oh, what a disastrous failure.
What folly is this?
Blue knight flings the orb
of havoc
at one of his fellow knights,
who flings it
at another blue knight.
And again through
the broken fish net.
[horn sounds]
[horn sounds]
[horn sounds]
[buzzer]
Baldric: Both sides sound
a retreat. Huh.
Appalling.
- Can you please tell
Baldric it is not a retreat,
it's just half-time.
[pained groan]
Gretta: You have taken a turn
for the worse.
Dwight: I just need my bed.
Gretta: Your dear ones should be
at your side.
Dwight: What?
- Go hence
and beckon Nana.
- You have to say
call Nana.
Siri: Beckoning Nana.
[phone rings]
Nana: Hey Gretta!
What's the score?
- Nana!
Come quick!
Sir Dwight is not long
for this earth.
Dwight: No, no, I'm still long,
Nana.
I, I'm just a little
under the weather.
- I'm afraid
these are his final hours.
- Not as serious
as all that.
- His soul all
but flutters over our heads!
- My soul's
not fluttering anywhere.
Nana: Oh, dear, dear, dear.
I'll be there in a jiffy.
- Ah, geez.
Gretta: [wailing]
- What are you doing?
- Wailing in lamentation.
- Doing the what
in the what?
Gretta: [wailing even louder]
- Have the lamentations begun?
Gretta: Baldric!
Baldric: [begins wailing]
[wailing over the PA system]
Dwight: Stop!
Stop, stop, stop.
Please--
[wailing continues]
Dwight: Please, stop.
[rock music]
Dwight: The half time show
is starting.
- I must hurry
to the privy then.
The contest will resume shortly
and I've had three flagons
of orange soda.
Look out!
Coming through!
Hurry, hurry!
Dwight: Woody does not miss
half time.
We are winning by nine.
Bring us home, Gretta.
Gretta: Is this your dying wish?
Dwight: Absolutely.
Gretta: [wails]
[horn sounds]
Baldric: [over PA system]
I feel so much relieved.
[rock music]
- And the Woodchuck
has laid down the gauntlet,
but will the Highlander
accept the challenge?
Highlander mascot: [screaming]
- [chuckles]
- You're too crazy!
Baldric: He will not.
He will not. Ha.
[door slams open]
Higlander: I accept
your challenge.
Filthy dogs!
[ominous music]
[ax clinks]
[cheering]
- Oh.
- [nervously]
'Tis only for show.
Baldric: Finally
a worthy challenger. Hm?
[chuckles] Yah!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
The Woodchuck strikes first.
Highlander: Ha!
[thump]
Baldric: Oh, the Woodchuck
has been beheaded!
Ha, ha, ha.
The Woodchuck miraculously
recapitates
and attempts a counter assault.
[thump]
- Boom goes
the Woodchuck!
Highlander: [chuckles]
Now you've made me angry,
wee beastie.
- They're growing
their seniors big
at Lakeview this year.
[thump]
Highlander: Oh!
- Another blow
for the Woodchuck.
- And hairy.
Highlander: [roars]
[ax thuds]
[grunts and thuds]
[grunts and thuds]
Baldric: The big brute counters
with a backwards head twist.
Highlander: [Scottish accent]
You squirrelly thief.
Return me what you've stolen.
- Stolen?
Highlander: The honor
of Strathclyde!
[thump]
[inaudible]
[horn blows]
Baldric: Did he say--
Gretta: Strathclyde.
This is no show.
Baldric: A warrior
from Strathclyde, here?
Run, you peasant half-wits!
Save yourself!
[cheering]
- What does he want?
Baldric: We must find out.
Speak to him, Your Highness.
In his own tongue.
[cheering]
Highlander: [roars]
Gretta: [Scottish accent]
Are ye from Strathclyde,
noble highlander?
- Aye,
and my father
and his father before.
I will avenge the wrong
you've done our honor.
- When did they have
time to choreograph this?
Gretta: [Scottish accent]
None here would dishonor ye,
nor your kinfolk.
- You have stolen
the sacred horn of Strathclyde.
[horn sounds]
- You pilfering rascal!
I'll have your guts
for garters.
[roaring]
- [weak laugh]
Hey! Hey Gretta!
I think you guys are taking this
a little bit too far.
Gretta: The horn!
- What?
Gretta: Get the horn!
Baldric: Hurry Sir Dwight!
Or he'll have all of our guts
for garters!
- What does that even mean?
[horn sounds]
- This is not for show!
[roaring continues]
- Hurry!
[cheering]
[horn sounds]
Boy 2: [distorted] Hey Dwight!
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Woo!
[thud]
- Princess!
Dwight: [whispering]
Get the horn.
[horn sounds]
Dwight: Gretta!
Highlander: [roars]
♪
Highlander: [exhales]
Dwight: [exhales]
[crowd murmuring]
Gretta: [Scottish accent]
I return this horn
of Strathclyde
to its rightful owner,
and offer ye the Woodchuck's
deepest apologies.
Highlander: I accept your
apology, ya wee beastie.
[crowd cheers]
Dwight: [laughs then gags]
[horn sounds]
Highlander: Oh, let's get you
home now where ya belong,
ya wee troublemaker.
Baldric: Long live
the Woodchuck!
Huzzah!
[cheering]
Dwight: [sounds of suffering]
Gretta: You're sure
it's not the plague?
Dwight: Yeah.
Gretta: Or the scourge?
Dwight: Mm-hm.
Gretta: Or the pestilence?
Dwight: Just regular old
food poisoning.
Gretta: Well, then
there's no time to waste.
You must swallow
a piece of charcoal.
Dwight: Why would I do that?
Gretta: It will absorb the
poison from your stomach.
Dwight: Oh.
[laughs weakly]
How did anybody survive
the middle ages?
Baldric: Would someone please
clear the battlefield
of fishnets?
[cheering]
Dwight: Sounds like
two more points for us.
[door opens]
Gretta: Our victory is assured
and our honor is maintained
thanks to the Woodchuck.
Dwight: Thanks to you.
Really.
You guys came through
for me today when I needed it.
- It was our privilege
Sir Dwight.
After all the times
you've come to our aid.
[car door opens and shuts]
Nana: There you are pumpkin!
Dwight, you look awful.
Dwight: I, I just,
I just need...
- Aw.
Dwight: That.
I needed that.
Nana: You know what else
you need?
Some chicken noodle soup.
- Thank you.
- Oh.
- I am being summoned.
Dwight: After that show,
I'm not sure what you can do
for an encore.
- I still have
a few more moves.
Dwight: Go get 'em, Woody.
[gags]
Nana: Oh my!
Dwight: Sorry, sorry.
Nana: [stammering]
Not in the car.
Baldric: Long live
the Woodchuck!
Ha, ha!
♪
Male Cheerleader:
We took down Timberland!
We decimated Forest Glen!
And we obliterated Riverside!
None of that
is gonna mean a thing
if we don't wipe the floor
with Lakeview High
in the big game tonight!
[cheering]
Male Cheerleader:
This is it Woodside!
This is the showdown
with our biggest rivals,
all right?
We need you out there
in full force tonight.
[cheering]
[ominous breathing]
[ominous breathing]
Gretta: Sir Dwight,
it is almost time.
[muffled groans]
- You are unwell.
- What?
No, no, no, no.
I'm fine.
Male Cheerleader: Do you hear
that Lakeview?
[cheering]
Male Cheerleader: That's
what's waiting for you tonight.
[cheering]
Male Cheerleader: We are going
to tear you guys apart!
And just in case
you don't think we're serious.
We stole your precious little
horn out of your trophy case.
Yeah, and if you want it back,
you're gonna have
to fight us for it.
[horn sounds long and loud]
[birds chirping]
[horn is heard again]
[growls]
[theme music]
Dwight: Okay,
about a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta.
And she was in big trouble,
because she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
♪
So her court magician,
Baldric cast the champion spell.
It put everyone
in the woods to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with
Gretta's big, scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Instead...
Ah!
[kissing noise]
they got me.
♪
Ah!
♪
Dwight: Ow!
♪
[cheering]
Male Cheerleader:
Now, to bring us home,
Woodside's very own good luck
charm, Woody the Woodchuck!
[cheering]
- Have no fear,
I know what to do.
My uncle suffered
from the mariner's plague.
- The what?
- I will get the leeches.
- No!
[breathing deeply]
Hee, hee, hoo, hoo.
Okay.
The woodchuck must go on.
Woo!
Woodchuck!
[music and cheering]
[music and cheering]
[music and cheering]
[music and cheering]
[music and cheering]
[stomach gurgling loudly]
Dwight: [vomiting]
[groans]
All better.
[phone notification]
Uh, uh.
Snackstand.
Gretta: No.
Sir Dwight, you need rest,
in a dark room with no drafts
where we can let
the foul blood out of you.
Dwight: No, we're leaving
my blood right where it is.
Gretta: But we must--
Dwight: I can't be sick, okay.
Lakeview is our biggest rival,
and Woody must come through.
- Come through what?
- Woody the Woodchuck
has only missed three games
in the last twenty years,
and each
of those three times,
we have suffered
our worst defeats.
Woody means everything
to this school.
And even if I am p--
[gags]
feeling a bit touchy
in the tummy,
the Woodchuck
has to bring it.
- Bring what?
- Sir Dwight!
I just heard
the fateful news.
Dwight: What's that?
Baldric: A tonic.
It could make a dead man leap
from his grave.
- I'm not even gonna
ask what's in it.
- Very wise.
- Okay, what's in it?
Baldric: The juice
of five figs.
- Uh-huh.
Baldric: The powdered pits
of three apricots.
- It actually doesn't
sound so--
- The intestines
of two field mice.
- And there it is.
Look, I appreciate your concern,
but I'm good.
I'm actually allergic
to apricot pits.
Baldric: Oh.
- And field mice.
Boy: Dwight, hey whoa.
Dude, you look like... terrible.
Gretta: It's the plague.
Or the scourge.
Possibly the pestilence.
- It's the half-off sushi.
- Oh.
[gulp]
Baldric: To protect
against the half-off sushi.
Boy: Have you tried castor oil?
And peanut butter
with ginger?
Got my dad up and running
after he had
a really bad tuna roll.
Dwight: Okay, do we have um,
organic popcorn, um,
brown rice krispie squares
and biodegradable,
um, plastic straws?
- Uh, check, check and check.
Dude, seriously,
you look like death.
Like, really, really deathly.
Dwight: Thanks man.
[slap]
Go Woodchucks.
Boy: Go Woodchucks.
- Have you
any mutton shanks?
[ominous drumming]
Baldric: Begone, devils.
[shaking] I say begone!
Begone!
- Gak!
Good luck charm.
For the big game.
Look guys.
I really appreciate
all your chants
and all your tonics and
[sniffing] what is this?
- Devil Begone.
- You know what?
I'm actually feeling better.
- Oh.
- And you know why?
Because
I don't have a choice.
I have a job to do.
I have several jobs to do.
Gretta: But can't someone
else--
Dwight: No!
I will not be that guy.
Nobody else is gonna be
Woody the Woodchuck
for the pre-game
or half-time shows,
and nobody else is going
to announce the game.
It is on me.
- I truly admire
your valor, Sir Dwight.
Dwight: Lakeview is our arch
enemy and we will not go down
on my watch.
- You mean our honor
is at stake?
- Yeah.
- Huh.
I understand.
We will uphold the honor
of Woodside.
- Glory to the brave.
- Great.
- ALL HAIL THE WOODCHUCK!
- 'Kay.
Hey Sophie,
how are we looking for--
- Dwight,
you don't look so hot.
[distorted]
You don't look so hot.
[sounds are distorted]
Are you hungry, Dwight?
Or do you just want a bite?
Dwight: [gagging
with mouth closed]
Baldric: Oh!
Dwight: [vomiting loudly]
[shaking]
[cheering]
Baldric: What weapons
have they chosen?
Gretta:
Only those orange orbs.
- Strange choice
of weapon.
[cheering and music]
Baldric: Sir Dwight!
You are called to arms.
Gretta: I will go tell them
you are unwell.
Dwight: No, no, no.
The pre-game is just
as important as
a pep rally
and half time shows.
It's all part
of the Woodside ritual.
If Woody doesn't show,
we don't win.
It is a proven aoo- ao-
algorithm.
Thirty more seconds.
Aaaah.
So cold.
So nice.
Okay, okay, mm.
Here we go.
[inhales deeply]
- For the honor
of Woodside.
- Uh.
Baldric: ALL HAIL
THE WOODCHUCK!
[cheering]
- Oh look,
it's a little Woodchuck.
Baldric: Woody!
Woody!
Woody!
Woody!
Woody!
Woody!
Woody!
Dwight: She knows
it's just a show, right?
Highlander Mascot: Oh, hi buddy,
I don't know whether
to hug you or to
[thwap]
[thud]
[cheering]
- Siri, text Jake an apology.
Siri: Apologizing to Jake.
Highlander Mascot:
What the heck was that, man?
That's not what we rehearsed.
[thwap]
[cheering]
Baldric: Nice!
Baldric: Nice!
[horn sounds]
[horn sounds again]
Highlander: [growls]
Gretta: But how was I to know
it was for show?
Dwight: Because this is
the non-insane century.
Remember?
Nice turf?
We don't have death matches
at basketball games!
Baldric: Still,
impressive show of force.
Gretta: Thank you.
Baldric: I am so exhilarated.
What's next?
It's as though I'm back
at the mage versus wizard
battle of 986.
Hm?
[laughing]
- I have
to announce the game.
You have to cheer and watch.
Excuse me.
[thud]
[choking for air]
Gretta: Powerful weapon indeed.
Baldric: An orb of havoc.
I've heard of them,
though I've never seen one
with my own eyes.
- I need a minute.all.
[buzzer]
Wait, wait,
I'm supposed to announce the...
Baldric: Leave it to me,
Sir Dwight.
Dwight: Wait, no, no, no.
Baldric: You may recall
Sir Dwight,
that I recently served
as Grand Marshall
for the three-legged race.
Never fear, Sir Dwight.
[slap]
Dwight: Ow.
Baldric: I've got this
on lock up!
Dwight: Lock down.
- Yes.
[clears throat]
Hear ye, peasant youth!
It is my great honor to welcome
you to this contest
between the valorous
Woodchucks of Woodside!
[cheering]
And the heinous
[mic feedback]
Highlanders of Lakeview!
[booing]
♪
The blue knight prepares
to unleash the orb of havoc
on the red knights.
What's this?
The red knights have thrown
their hands up in the air
in surrender!
Huzzah!
The battle is won!
[Baldric laughs] Wait!
The merciless blue knight
releases the orb of havoc
and it goes straight
into a fish net,
a broken fish net.
Oh, what a disastrous failure.
What folly is this?
Blue knight flings the orb
of havoc
at one of his fellow knights,
who flings it
at another blue knight.
And again through
the broken fish net.
[horn sounds]
[horn sounds]
[horn sounds]
[buzzer]
Baldric: Both sides sound
a retreat. Huh.
Appalling.
- Can you please tell
Baldric it is not a retreat,
it's just half-time.
[pained groan]
Gretta: You have taken a turn
for the worse.
Dwight: I just need my bed.
Gretta: Your dear ones should be
at your side.
Dwight: What?
- Go hence
and beckon Nana.
- You have to say
call Nana.
Siri: Beckoning Nana.
[phone rings]
Nana: Hey Gretta!
What's the score?
- Nana!
Come quick!
Sir Dwight is not long
for this earth.
Dwight: No, no, I'm still long,
Nana.
I, I'm just a little
under the weather.
- I'm afraid
these are his final hours.
- Not as serious
as all that.
- His soul all
but flutters over our heads!
- My soul's
not fluttering anywhere.
Nana: Oh, dear, dear, dear.
I'll be there in a jiffy.
- Ah, geez.
Gretta: [wailing]
- What are you doing?
- Wailing in lamentation.
- Doing the what
in the what?
Gretta: [wailing even louder]
- Have the lamentations begun?
Gretta: Baldric!
Baldric: [begins wailing]
[wailing over the PA system]
Dwight: Stop!
Stop, stop, stop.
Please--
[wailing continues]
Dwight: Please, stop.
[rock music]
Dwight: The half time show
is starting.
- I must hurry
to the privy then.
The contest will resume shortly
and I've had three flagons
of orange soda.
Look out!
Coming through!
Hurry, hurry!
Dwight: Woody does not miss
half time.
We are winning by nine.
Bring us home, Gretta.
Gretta: Is this your dying wish?
Dwight: Absolutely.
Gretta: [wails]
[horn sounds]
Baldric: [over PA system]
I feel so much relieved.
[rock music]
- And the Woodchuck
has laid down the gauntlet,
but will the Highlander
accept the challenge?
Highlander mascot: [screaming]
- [chuckles]
- You're too crazy!
Baldric: He will not.
He will not. Ha.
[door slams open]
Higlander: I accept
your challenge.
Filthy dogs!
[ominous music]
[ax clinks]
[cheering]
- Oh.
- [nervously]
'Tis only for show.
Baldric: Finally
a worthy challenger. Hm?
[chuckles] Yah!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
The Woodchuck strikes first.
Highlander: Ha!
[thump]
Baldric: Oh, the Woodchuck
has been beheaded!
Ha, ha, ha.
The Woodchuck miraculously
recapitates
and attempts a counter assault.
[thump]
- Boom goes
the Woodchuck!
Highlander: [chuckles]
Now you've made me angry,
wee beastie.
- They're growing
their seniors big
at Lakeview this year.
[thump]
Highlander: Oh!
- Another blow
for the Woodchuck.
- And hairy.
Highlander: [roars]
[ax thuds]
[grunts and thuds]
[grunts and thuds]
Baldric: The big brute counters
with a backwards head twist.
Highlander: [Scottish accent]
You squirrelly thief.
Return me what you've stolen.
- Stolen?
Highlander: The honor
of Strathclyde!
[thump]
[inaudible]
[horn blows]
Baldric: Did he say--
Gretta: Strathclyde.
This is no show.
Baldric: A warrior
from Strathclyde, here?
Run, you peasant half-wits!
Save yourself!
[cheering]
- What does he want?
Baldric: We must find out.
Speak to him, Your Highness.
In his own tongue.
[cheering]
Highlander: [roars]
Gretta: [Scottish accent]
Are ye from Strathclyde,
noble highlander?
- Aye,
and my father
and his father before.
I will avenge the wrong
you've done our honor.
- When did they have
time to choreograph this?
Gretta: [Scottish accent]
None here would dishonor ye,
nor your kinfolk.
- You have stolen
the sacred horn of Strathclyde.
[horn sounds]
- You pilfering rascal!
I'll have your guts
for garters.
[roaring]
- [weak laugh]
Hey! Hey Gretta!
I think you guys are taking this
a little bit too far.
Gretta: The horn!
- What?
Gretta: Get the horn!
Baldric: Hurry Sir Dwight!
Or he'll have all of our guts
for garters!
- What does that even mean?
[horn sounds]
- This is not for show!
[roaring continues]
- Hurry!
[cheering]
[horn sounds]
Boy 2: [distorted] Hey Dwight!
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Woo!
[thud]
- Princess!
Dwight: [whispering]
Get the horn.
[horn sounds]
Dwight: Gretta!
Highlander: [roars]
♪
Highlander: [exhales]
Dwight: [exhales]
[crowd murmuring]
Gretta: [Scottish accent]
I return this horn
of Strathclyde
to its rightful owner,
and offer ye the Woodchuck's
deepest apologies.
Highlander: I accept your
apology, ya wee beastie.
[crowd cheers]
Dwight: [laughs then gags]
[horn sounds]
Highlander: Oh, let's get you
home now where ya belong,
ya wee troublemaker.
Baldric: Long live
the Woodchuck!
Huzzah!
[cheering]
Dwight: [sounds of suffering]
Gretta: You're sure
it's not the plague?
Dwight: Yeah.
Gretta: Or the scourge?
Dwight: Mm-hm.
Gretta: Or the pestilence?
Dwight: Just regular old
food poisoning.
Gretta: Well, then
there's no time to waste.
You must swallow
a piece of charcoal.
Dwight: Why would I do that?
Gretta: It will absorb the
poison from your stomach.
Dwight: Oh.
[laughs weakly]
How did anybody survive
the middle ages?
Baldric: Would someone please
clear the battlefield
of fishnets?
[cheering]
Dwight: Sounds like
two more points for us.
[door opens]
Gretta: Our victory is assured
and our honor is maintained
thanks to the Woodchuck.
Dwight: Thanks to you.
Really.
You guys came through
for me today when I needed it.
- It was our privilege
Sir Dwight.
After all the times
you've come to our aid.
[car door opens and shuts]
Nana: There you are pumpkin!
Dwight, you look awful.
Dwight: I, I just,
I just need...
- Aw.
Dwight: That.
I needed that.
Nana: You know what else
you need?
Some chicken noodle soup.
- Thank you.
- Oh.
- I am being summoned.
Dwight: After that show,
I'm not sure what you can do
for an encore.
- I still have
a few more moves.
Dwight: Go get 'em, Woody.
[gags]
Nana: Oh my!
Dwight: Sorry, sorry.
Nana: [stammering]
Not in the car.
Baldric: Long live
the Woodchuck!
Ha, ha!
♪