Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 2, Episode 2 - Unlucky in Love - full transcript
♪
- Whoa,
what is going on here?
Spring cleaning?
- It is not
in the strong box.
Dwight: It's actually
a microwave.
Works a lot better
if you plug it in.
- Sir Dwight,
you've arrived just in time.
Baldric has misplaced
his beckoning instrument.
- His beckoning...?
- The...
- Oh!
You mean his cell phone.
[footsteps]
- The goat yielded nothing.
- Did you try calling it?
- The goat?
- The phone.
- BECKONING
INSTRUMENT!
[birds chirping]
- BECKONING INSTRUMENT!
BECKONING INSTRUMENT!
Mm.
I am undone.
- I'm on it.
[phone beeps]
Dwight on phone:
Say your name.
Baldric on phone:
You know my name.
Dwight on phone:
It's for when people call you.
Baldric on phone:
If they call to me,
we can assume
they know my name.
Dwight on phone: You've
reached Baldric's phone,
leave-- [beep]
- It must be dead.
Baldric: Oh.
Dead.
No.
- We'll just charge it up
and then
it won't be dead anymore.
It'll be...
Baldric: Undead?
- Kinda...
- Perhaps I should look
inside the chamber pot again.
- Ew.
- Oh dear.
- It's not
in the rock holder.
- Hey, Dwight!
Did you know
that Emily's back in town?
- Emily?
- Who's Emily?
Dwight: Uh.
- The little dolly,
Dwight's had a crush on
for years.
It's the sweetest thing.
- I wouldn't say crush.
Nana: He used to follow her
all around.
Dwight: We were walking
in the same direction.
Nana: He wrote her
the most darling little poems.
- Poems?
- Wanna hear my favorite?
Baldric: Oh, oh.
Gretta: Do tell.
Baldric: Yes, yes indeed, yes.
Nana: Emily, Emily,
why do you not notice me?
I may not be tall, rich
or full of might--
Baldric: No, he is not.
Nana: But I am still yours,
forever Dwight.
- You know that
by heart, huh?
Baldric: Nicely rhymed,
Sir Dwight.
- Emily's grandma
lives next door
so she only comes to visit
a few times a year.
Baldric: Oh.
Well then, you must call
upon the lady, Sir Dwight.
- I mean, [stammering]
I could.
- Well, of course you must.
Nana: Just relax, be yourself.
Dwight gets so nervous
around Emily.
Dwight: No, I don't!
Gretta: Does he?
- Oh, this one time.
Oh! This is the cutest story.
Baldric: Oh!
[laughing]
Nana: Okay, so once
upon a time there was this...
[magical sounds overlap]
Dwight: Uh, our grandmothers
thought we should meet,
and I saw you over here so,
HI, I'm Emily.
I mean, you're Emily.
You knew that.
[awkward laugh]
BYE!
[all but Dwight laughing]
- Oh, oh, oh,
and my all -time--
- You know,
thanks for stopping by, Nana.
We are right
in the middle of stuff.
Nana: I think she's
at her grandma's house now.
Are you going to go over?
Dwight: You know,
I'm kinda tied up here.
Kisses!
[door slams]
[exhales]
Gretta: Sir Dwight,
what's a crush?
[Dwight laughs]
- Who knows?
[forced quiet laughter]
Let's find
that beckoning device, huh?
The thing that beckons...
The first 24 hours of a search
are the most important,
so let's stay focused.
[ominous music]
[triumphant laugh]
Baldric: Ah, of course.
Ah, how could I have forgotten?
Gretta: We have but to charge it
back to life
and all will be right again.
Baldric: Mm.
You may now pay a visit
to your lady love.
- Not my lady love.
- Oh!
Might I suggest the scent
of hawk's blood,
with just a splash
of stallion sweat?
[pop]
- I'm good.
Baldric: Whoof.
Ah, it will boost
your confidence.
Dwight: I don't need
a confidence boost.
Baldric: Mm.
Gretta: You look
nervous, Sir Dwight.
Dwight: Well, you know, I'm not.
I feel fine.
I'm just going to go
over there and say hi,
and see what happens,
but I got a good feeling,
like today is,
is my day.
[crash]
[shattering glass]
Dwight: I'm good,
just shake it off.
[intense music]
[door shuts]
[theme music]
Okay, so about
a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta,
and she was in big trouble
because she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with
Gretta's big, scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Instead...
Ah!
[kissing noise]
they got me.
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
- Emily!
Hey!
Hey, Emily.
Hi.
Hi!
Emily.
[clears throat]
[deep voice] Hey, Em.
Would you like--
Ah!
So, I know you're vegan,
and there's this new vegan
restaurant where--
[grunt]
[ominous music]
[fwing!]
Earl: Dude!
Stop pushing buttons!
Frank: I didn't touch
anything here, man.
[fwing!]
Earl: We have to unplug it.
[fwing!]
- a great lunch menu
and I was just wondering if--
[thwap]
we GA- HA- HA!
OKAY, VERY FUNNY,
HA, HA, HA, HA,
YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK
SOMEONE'S TEETH OUT.
Emily: Heeey, Dwight.
- Emily!
He-hey.
Hi.
Wow, you're, you're back, that's
[forced wheezing laugh]
What a surprise.
- Really?
Your Nana just called
and said that you were
on your way over.
- She did.
Awesome.
[weak laugh]
Gretta: How goes it?
- [more weak laughter]
[thwap]
Ah!
[thud]
- Not at all well.
Dwight: Ah.
- Are you okay?
- Let me see.
Dwight: Yep, yep,
yeah, yeah, totally.
[indistinct talking]
Dwight: You got any more rakes
I should know about?
[thwap]
Ah!
[pained laughter]
That is a yes.
- I am so sorry.
I honestly had no idea
grandma even owned a rake.
I mean, rakes.
[chuckles]
- So, how have you been?
[dog panting]
[liquid sound]
Hey!
[dog barks]
I know your owners, Tank!
They taught you better
than this!
[wheezing laughter]
So, I, um, --
[fly buzzing] uh,
[indistinct talking]
[buzzing]
- Strange.
It's almost as if Sir Dwight
were--
Dwight: meaning to check out
this [buzzing] new
vegan restaurant.
[explosive coughing]
Baldric and Gretta: Cursed!
[coughing]
- Are you okay?
- [croaks] All good.
[whispers] See you later.
- Is that the new place
on Center Street?
[coughing]
- We should totally go.
Maybe grab an early dinner?
- Hey!
Were you guys spying on me?
- Sir Dwight,
'twas fortunate for you we were.
- How is that fortunate?
- You are cursed,
Sir Dwight.
- With bad luck.
- 'Kay, first of all,
no such thing as curses.
Second of all, there
is no such thing as luck.
[plopping]
- Oh.
- There.
How do you explain that?
- Everybody poops.
- Well, I do know a spell--
Dwight: It is a part of life.
It's got nothing to do
with luck.
[bird calls]
[plopping]
[bird calls]
- So, let's say
I was cursed with bad luck.
Baldric and Gretta: M-hm.
[Tank barking]
Dwight: What'd you reload
already?
[thwap]
Ah!
[thwap]
Ah!
[thud]
Oh!
Baldric: We must act quickly.
- I will protect Sir Dwight,
you find a way
to undo the curse.
- [sighs] Curses
are not my specialty.
Have no fear, I know someone.
[knocking]
[enticing music]
Hexela: Baldric.
[door slams]
- Hexela.
[laughing romantically together]
We have no time
for foolishness.
- [sighs]
Magicians.
♪
♪ on the floor
your mother made. ♪
♪
Emily: But it's weird though,
right?
It's as if the rain cloud was
only over your head.
- [laughs] Right?
[fwoomp]
[high-pitched gasping]
[water sloshing]
Emily: See anything?
[splash]
- No fire,
if that's what you mean.
Uh.
How about the tofutti burger?
- That's what
I was gonna get!
[thump]
[grunt]
- [squawks] No!
[grunt]
- Not... the tofutti burger?
- No, no, I was just,
was just preparing,
if the waiter asks me
if I want fries.
[squawks] No!
Heck [squawks] no!
Not in this lifetime!
Keep your sodium
and trans fats, kind sir.
[laughing]
Baldric: The griffin hex renders
the accursed speechless,
not that one.
Oh, ah.
The mermaid curse
causes the victim
to break out in scales.
Hexela: Ooo.
Mm.
Boop.
[Baldric chuckles]
[Hexela laughs softly]
Baldric: [clears throat]
Hexela: [sighs resignedly]
Baldric: Hm.
Oh, it's not the troll jinx,
since he hasn't grown horns.
Yet.
[soft laughing]
Baldric: Hexela!
Hexela: I just love
how your brow furrows
when you're flustered.
Baldric: Mm.
I assure you, I
[clears throat]
[Hexela softly blows air]
Baldric: [giggles]
Madame!
Hexela: [sighs in frustration]
Fine.
[thud]
Hexela: Describe the curse
that has befallen Sir Dwight.
- It is a bad case
of ill-fortune.
The worst I have ever seen.
He was befouled by a bird
at 30 paces.
I saw it with my own eyes.
- [disgusted noise]
Hm.
Look Baldric.
I think I found your curse.
- The Curse of the Kobolwald.
Hexela: We must hurry.
- I have never met
anyone else
who has a solar hair dryer.
- Well, you know,
think globally, act locally.
[dishes clattering]
Emily: Oh!
[dismayed sounds
from customers]
Dwight: Hi.
- Good e'en fair youths.
Dwight: Uh.
- Might I sing you
a spritely ballad?
Dwight: No.
Emily: Sure.
Dwight: Thanks.
Gretta: ♪ There once
was a wild boar, ♪
♪ such beauty
never seen before, ♪
♪ Hey-oo, hey-oo, hey-oo-oo. ♪
♪ His hair would flow
when he would run, ♪
♪ his gracefulness equalled
by none. ♪
♪ Hey-oo-hey-oom. ♪
♪ The prince saw the lovely
beast and proclaimed, ♪
♪ we must have a feast! ♪
♪ Hey-oo-hey-oo, hey -oo. ♪
Dwight: I'm not sure
where this is going.
Gretta: ♪ And they all ate him
up, yum, yum, yum. ♪
♪ And the boar was no more,
no more. ♪
♪ And they all ate him up,
yum, yum, yum, ♪
♪ and the boar was no more,
no more! ♪
Dwight: 'Kay, got it.
The pig's gone.
We got it.
[weak laughter]
Emily: Thank you.
[weak applause]
Emily: That was...
Dwight: An ironic choice
for a vegan restaurant.
Ah!
- Oh, uh.
- Mm, da, huh,
leg cramp, all good.
I'm just going to go
over there and,
and stretch this out
real quick.
[weak laughter]
Ah!
Mm!
Oh man, that [indistinct]
What the heck is a kobolwald?
Gretta: A spirit.
Baldric: More like a sprite.
Gretta: It's the protector
of the home and hearth,
sometimes it helps out
with the chores.
- It keeps demons
and pestilence at bay.
- But only if treated
with respect.
Baldric: Could you actually
have been so foolish
as to disrespect a kobolwald?
- No, I've never
disrespected a kobolwump
in my life.
I don't even know what that is.
- It sits on the mantel.
- The little statue guy?
No, I barely moved him.
- [gasps] No.
- You moved it?!
Well, naturally you're cursed,
what did you expect, Sir Dwight?
- Oh,
because everybody knows
you never move a kobolwald.
- Unless you follow
proper protocol.
- Oh.
- You have until sunset
to make amends
or forever walk the earth
accursed.
- What!
Well, how do I make amends?
Emily: It's like the trashcan
had a vendetta against you.
Dwight: Yeah, weird.
Emily: [exhales] How fun!
I love the idea
of his and hers facials.
- There you are!
No time to waste, in your seats.
[whistles]
Dwight: Let's get to relaxing.
[Emily laughs]
- Ahhh.
[hums pleasantly]
Much better, huh sweetie?
Emily: M-hm.
Hexela: Yeah.
Okay, just soak it up and
let the ox dung do its magic.
Emily: Ooo, chimes.
Hexela: [loudly] All clear!
The sun is almost set.
We must conjure the gift.
Dwight: Gift?
Baldric: Yes,
an appeasement gift.
To the kobolwald.
Hexela: [clears throat]
First, you must jump
through hoops.
Baldric: Mm.
Dwight: Oh!
Like, literally jump through.
[murmurs of assent]
Dwight: Okay.
Yeah, I can do that.
[exhales]
Hexela: Oh!
Backwards.
While apologizing.
And acting like
your favorite animal.
- Seriously?
- Quickly!
The sun!
Baldric: Yes.
- Oh.
Hm.
All: [expressing dismay]
- Porcupine?
- Jump,
not what you were doing.
- Porcupines don't jump.
Uh.
Baldric: The apology!
Dwight: Mr. Kobolwalsh.
All: Kobolwald.
Dwight: I'm truly sorry--
- As the porcupine,
you featherhead.
- As the porcupine?
All: The sun!
- Uh.
[strange high-pitched grunting]
Mr. Kobolwald, I am--
[strange high-pitched grunting]
truly sorry.
- Dwight?
Baldric: Wha!
- Oh,
I'll have to try that next.
Relaxing?
Dwight: Mm.
- Dream powder,
it will do her
practically no harm.
- Practically?
Gretta: Hurry!
Dwight: Mm.
[strange high-pitched grunt]
Mr. Kobolwald,
I'm truly sorry that
[grunt]
that I moved you
from your comfy spot
[grunt]
[whooshing and bubbling]
Baldric: It's working!
It's working!
- Now the sonnet.
- Sonnet?
- You must devise a sonnet
in the kobolwald's honor.
- This guy's taking
himself a little ser--
All: The sonnet!
- As the porcupine?
- Well, of course not.
That would be ridiculous.
All: [laughing and ridiculing]
Baldric: What a silly boy.
Hexela: Goodness.
- [clears throat]
Oh, brave and handsome
little kobolwald.
Baldric: They are
a bit self-conscious
about their stature.
[manly grunts]
- Oh, oh.
Uh, uh.
Huge and tall and ginormous
Mr. Kobolwald.
I give in thee honor,
your sonnet, in your honor.
[deep mystical noises]
Gretta: It's working.
Finish it.
- And even though
I have no idea what else to say,
I do know you are the king
of everything gargantu-ing.
[more mystical noises]
[gasping]
Baldric: Oh.
- A hat?
- A gift has been conjured.
Make haste!
Dwight: Uh!
Baldric: We have
only moments.
Dwight: Ah!
He doesn't bite or anything?
Gretta: Quickly!
- Mr. Kobolwald, again,
my sincerest apologies
for uprooting you
from your spot.
Please accept this gift
as reparations.
Sorry.
So sorry.
Baldric: Easy.
Gretta: Be careful.
- Sorry!
I got you.
- Something's
still not right.
- But I did everything.
Is it just me?
Or does the kobolwald look
even taller than normal today?
[chuckle]
- Oh! Absolutely.
Baldric: Without doubt.
- What lofty stature!
- Very imposing
are you, quite.
All: [laughing in relief]
Baldric: You have done it.
Well done, Sir Dwight.
Ha, ha!
Congratulations!
You are no longer accursed.
Dwight: [laughing in pain]
Thanks guys.
For everything.
- It was the least
I could do for my champion.
- Emily!
Oh!
[door slams]
- Oh, Hexela, Hexela,
who's the fairest
of them all?
[throaty laugh]
No, too overdone.
[high-pitched cackle]
That's too on the nose.
[Throaty but dignified laugh]
Original, I like it.
[running footsteps]
- Dwight?
Wasn't that just so relaxing?
- Yeah.
I, I can't even.
Emily: I'm glad
we finally got to hang out.
I don't know why
it never worked out before.
Dwight: Yeah.
Emily: I had a great time.
- Me too.
- I should be back
at Christmas.
- I run
a pretty mean toy drive.
- I'll be there.
[steps]
Baldric: Something amiss,
Highness?
Gretta: No.
Nothing Baldric,
just keeping an eye out
for invaders.
You can never be
too vigilant.
Baldric: Stay vigilant indeed.
♪
- Whoa,
what is going on here?
Spring cleaning?
- It is not
in the strong box.
Dwight: It's actually
a microwave.
Works a lot better
if you plug it in.
- Sir Dwight,
you've arrived just in time.
Baldric has misplaced
his beckoning instrument.
- His beckoning...?
- The...
- Oh!
You mean his cell phone.
[footsteps]
- The goat yielded nothing.
- Did you try calling it?
- The goat?
- The phone.
- BECKONING
INSTRUMENT!
[birds chirping]
- BECKONING INSTRUMENT!
BECKONING INSTRUMENT!
Mm.
I am undone.
- I'm on it.
[phone beeps]
Dwight on phone:
Say your name.
Baldric on phone:
You know my name.
Dwight on phone:
It's for when people call you.
Baldric on phone:
If they call to me,
we can assume
they know my name.
Dwight on phone: You've
reached Baldric's phone,
leave-- [beep]
- It must be dead.
Baldric: Oh.
Dead.
No.
- We'll just charge it up
and then
it won't be dead anymore.
It'll be...
Baldric: Undead?
- Kinda...
- Perhaps I should look
inside the chamber pot again.
- Ew.
- Oh dear.
- It's not
in the rock holder.
- Hey, Dwight!
Did you know
that Emily's back in town?
- Emily?
- Who's Emily?
Dwight: Uh.
- The little dolly,
Dwight's had a crush on
for years.
It's the sweetest thing.
- I wouldn't say crush.
Nana: He used to follow her
all around.
Dwight: We were walking
in the same direction.
Nana: He wrote her
the most darling little poems.
- Poems?
- Wanna hear my favorite?
Baldric: Oh, oh.
Gretta: Do tell.
Baldric: Yes, yes indeed, yes.
Nana: Emily, Emily,
why do you not notice me?
I may not be tall, rich
or full of might--
Baldric: No, he is not.
Nana: But I am still yours,
forever Dwight.
- You know that
by heart, huh?
Baldric: Nicely rhymed,
Sir Dwight.
- Emily's grandma
lives next door
so she only comes to visit
a few times a year.
Baldric: Oh.
Well then, you must call
upon the lady, Sir Dwight.
- I mean, [stammering]
I could.
- Well, of course you must.
Nana: Just relax, be yourself.
Dwight gets so nervous
around Emily.
Dwight: No, I don't!
Gretta: Does he?
- Oh, this one time.
Oh! This is the cutest story.
Baldric: Oh!
[laughing]
Nana: Okay, so once
upon a time there was this...
[magical sounds overlap]
Dwight: Uh, our grandmothers
thought we should meet,
and I saw you over here so,
HI, I'm Emily.
I mean, you're Emily.
You knew that.
[awkward laugh]
BYE!
[all but Dwight laughing]
- Oh, oh, oh,
and my all -time--
- You know,
thanks for stopping by, Nana.
We are right
in the middle of stuff.
Nana: I think she's
at her grandma's house now.
Are you going to go over?
Dwight: You know,
I'm kinda tied up here.
Kisses!
[door slams]
[exhales]
Gretta: Sir Dwight,
what's a crush?
[Dwight laughs]
- Who knows?
[forced quiet laughter]
Let's find
that beckoning device, huh?
The thing that beckons...
The first 24 hours of a search
are the most important,
so let's stay focused.
[ominous music]
[triumphant laugh]
Baldric: Ah, of course.
Ah, how could I have forgotten?
Gretta: We have but to charge it
back to life
and all will be right again.
Baldric: Mm.
You may now pay a visit
to your lady love.
- Not my lady love.
- Oh!
Might I suggest the scent
of hawk's blood,
with just a splash
of stallion sweat?
[pop]
- I'm good.
Baldric: Whoof.
Ah, it will boost
your confidence.
Dwight: I don't need
a confidence boost.
Baldric: Mm.
Gretta: You look
nervous, Sir Dwight.
Dwight: Well, you know, I'm not.
I feel fine.
I'm just going to go
over there and say hi,
and see what happens,
but I got a good feeling,
like today is,
is my day.
[crash]
[shattering glass]
Dwight: I'm good,
just shake it off.
[intense music]
[door shuts]
[theme music]
Okay, so about
a thousand years ago,
there was this princess, Gretta,
and she was in big trouble
because she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone in the woods
to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with
Gretta's big, scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Instead...
Ah!
[kissing noise]
they got me.
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
- Emily!
Hey!
Hey, Emily.
Hi.
Hi!
Emily.
[clears throat]
[deep voice] Hey, Em.
Would you like--
Ah!
So, I know you're vegan,
and there's this new vegan
restaurant where--
[grunt]
[ominous music]
[fwing!]
Earl: Dude!
Stop pushing buttons!
Frank: I didn't touch
anything here, man.
[fwing!]
Earl: We have to unplug it.
[fwing!]
- a great lunch menu
and I was just wondering if--
[thwap]
we GA- HA- HA!
OKAY, VERY FUNNY,
HA, HA, HA, HA,
YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK
SOMEONE'S TEETH OUT.
Emily: Heeey, Dwight.
- Emily!
He-hey.
Hi.
Wow, you're, you're back, that's
[forced wheezing laugh]
What a surprise.
- Really?
Your Nana just called
and said that you were
on your way over.
- She did.
Awesome.
[weak laugh]
Gretta: How goes it?
- [more weak laughter]
[thwap]
Ah!
[thud]
- Not at all well.
Dwight: Ah.
- Are you okay?
- Let me see.
Dwight: Yep, yep,
yeah, yeah, totally.
[indistinct talking]
Dwight: You got any more rakes
I should know about?
[thwap]
Ah!
[pained laughter]
That is a yes.
- I am so sorry.
I honestly had no idea
grandma even owned a rake.
I mean, rakes.
[chuckles]
- So, how have you been?
[dog panting]
[liquid sound]
Hey!
[dog barks]
I know your owners, Tank!
They taught you better
than this!
[wheezing laughter]
So, I, um, --
[fly buzzing] uh,
[indistinct talking]
[buzzing]
- Strange.
It's almost as if Sir Dwight
were--
Dwight: meaning to check out
this [buzzing] new
vegan restaurant.
[explosive coughing]
Baldric and Gretta: Cursed!
[coughing]
- Are you okay?
- [croaks] All good.
[whispers] See you later.
- Is that the new place
on Center Street?
[coughing]
- We should totally go.
Maybe grab an early dinner?
- Hey!
Were you guys spying on me?
- Sir Dwight,
'twas fortunate for you we were.
- How is that fortunate?
- You are cursed,
Sir Dwight.
- With bad luck.
- 'Kay, first of all,
no such thing as curses.
Second of all, there
is no such thing as luck.
[plopping]
- Oh.
- There.
How do you explain that?
- Everybody poops.
- Well, I do know a spell--
Dwight: It is a part of life.
It's got nothing to do
with luck.
[bird calls]
[plopping]
[bird calls]
- So, let's say
I was cursed with bad luck.
Baldric and Gretta: M-hm.
[Tank barking]
Dwight: What'd you reload
already?
[thwap]
Ah!
[thwap]
Ah!
[thud]
Oh!
Baldric: We must act quickly.
- I will protect Sir Dwight,
you find a way
to undo the curse.
- [sighs] Curses
are not my specialty.
Have no fear, I know someone.
[knocking]
[enticing music]
Hexela: Baldric.
[door slams]
- Hexela.
[laughing romantically together]
We have no time
for foolishness.
- [sighs]
Magicians.
♪
♪ on the floor
your mother made. ♪
♪
Emily: But it's weird though,
right?
It's as if the rain cloud was
only over your head.
- [laughs] Right?
[fwoomp]
[high-pitched gasping]
[water sloshing]
Emily: See anything?
[splash]
- No fire,
if that's what you mean.
Uh.
How about the tofutti burger?
- That's what
I was gonna get!
[thump]
[grunt]
- [squawks] No!
[grunt]
- Not... the tofutti burger?
- No, no, I was just,
was just preparing,
if the waiter asks me
if I want fries.
[squawks] No!
Heck [squawks] no!
Not in this lifetime!
Keep your sodium
and trans fats, kind sir.
[laughing]
Baldric: The griffin hex renders
the accursed speechless,
not that one.
Oh, ah.
The mermaid curse
causes the victim
to break out in scales.
Hexela: Ooo.
Mm.
Boop.
[Baldric chuckles]
[Hexela laughs softly]
Baldric: [clears throat]
Hexela: [sighs resignedly]
Baldric: Hm.
Oh, it's not the troll jinx,
since he hasn't grown horns.
Yet.
[soft laughing]
Baldric: Hexela!
Hexela: I just love
how your brow furrows
when you're flustered.
Baldric: Mm.
I assure you, I
[clears throat]
[Hexela softly blows air]
Baldric: [giggles]
Madame!
Hexela: [sighs in frustration]
Fine.
[thud]
Hexela: Describe the curse
that has befallen Sir Dwight.
- It is a bad case
of ill-fortune.
The worst I have ever seen.
He was befouled by a bird
at 30 paces.
I saw it with my own eyes.
- [disgusted noise]
Hm.
Look Baldric.
I think I found your curse.
- The Curse of the Kobolwald.
Hexela: We must hurry.
- I have never met
anyone else
who has a solar hair dryer.
- Well, you know,
think globally, act locally.
[dishes clattering]
Emily: Oh!
[dismayed sounds
from customers]
Dwight: Hi.
- Good e'en fair youths.
Dwight: Uh.
- Might I sing you
a spritely ballad?
Dwight: No.
Emily: Sure.
Dwight: Thanks.
Gretta: ♪ There once
was a wild boar, ♪
♪ such beauty
never seen before, ♪
♪ Hey-oo, hey-oo, hey-oo-oo. ♪
♪ His hair would flow
when he would run, ♪
♪ his gracefulness equalled
by none. ♪
♪ Hey-oo-hey-oom. ♪
♪ The prince saw the lovely
beast and proclaimed, ♪
♪ we must have a feast! ♪
♪ Hey-oo-hey-oo, hey -oo. ♪
Dwight: I'm not sure
where this is going.
Gretta: ♪ And they all ate him
up, yum, yum, yum. ♪
♪ And the boar was no more,
no more. ♪
♪ And they all ate him up,
yum, yum, yum, ♪
♪ and the boar was no more,
no more! ♪
Dwight: 'Kay, got it.
The pig's gone.
We got it.
[weak laughter]
Emily: Thank you.
[weak applause]
Emily: That was...
Dwight: An ironic choice
for a vegan restaurant.
Ah!
- Oh, uh.
- Mm, da, huh,
leg cramp, all good.
I'm just going to go
over there and,
and stretch this out
real quick.
[weak laughter]
Ah!
Mm!
Oh man, that [indistinct]
What the heck is a kobolwald?
Gretta: A spirit.
Baldric: More like a sprite.
Gretta: It's the protector
of the home and hearth,
sometimes it helps out
with the chores.
- It keeps demons
and pestilence at bay.
- But only if treated
with respect.
Baldric: Could you actually
have been so foolish
as to disrespect a kobolwald?
- No, I've never
disrespected a kobolwump
in my life.
I don't even know what that is.
- It sits on the mantel.
- The little statue guy?
No, I barely moved him.
- [gasps] No.
- You moved it?!
Well, naturally you're cursed,
what did you expect, Sir Dwight?
- Oh,
because everybody knows
you never move a kobolwald.
- Unless you follow
proper protocol.
- Oh.
- You have until sunset
to make amends
or forever walk the earth
accursed.
- What!
Well, how do I make amends?
Emily: It's like the trashcan
had a vendetta against you.
Dwight: Yeah, weird.
Emily: [exhales] How fun!
I love the idea
of his and hers facials.
- There you are!
No time to waste, in your seats.
[whistles]
Dwight: Let's get to relaxing.
[Emily laughs]
- Ahhh.
[hums pleasantly]
Much better, huh sweetie?
Emily: M-hm.
Hexela: Yeah.
Okay, just soak it up and
let the ox dung do its magic.
Emily: Ooo, chimes.
Hexela: [loudly] All clear!
The sun is almost set.
We must conjure the gift.
Dwight: Gift?
Baldric: Yes,
an appeasement gift.
To the kobolwald.
Hexela: [clears throat]
First, you must jump
through hoops.
Baldric: Mm.
Dwight: Oh!
Like, literally jump through.
[murmurs of assent]
Dwight: Okay.
Yeah, I can do that.
[exhales]
Hexela: Oh!
Backwards.
While apologizing.
And acting like
your favorite animal.
- Seriously?
- Quickly!
The sun!
Baldric: Yes.
- Oh.
Hm.
All: [expressing dismay]
- Porcupine?
- Jump,
not what you were doing.
- Porcupines don't jump.
Uh.
Baldric: The apology!
Dwight: Mr. Kobolwalsh.
All: Kobolwald.
Dwight: I'm truly sorry--
- As the porcupine,
you featherhead.
- As the porcupine?
All: The sun!
- Uh.
[strange high-pitched grunting]
Mr. Kobolwald, I am--
[strange high-pitched grunting]
truly sorry.
- Dwight?
Baldric: Wha!
- Oh,
I'll have to try that next.
Relaxing?
Dwight: Mm.
- Dream powder,
it will do her
practically no harm.
- Practically?
Gretta: Hurry!
Dwight: Mm.
[strange high-pitched grunt]
Mr. Kobolwald,
I'm truly sorry that
[grunt]
that I moved you
from your comfy spot
[grunt]
[whooshing and bubbling]
Baldric: It's working!
It's working!
- Now the sonnet.
- Sonnet?
- You must devise a sonnet
in the kobolwald's honor.
- This guy's taking
himself a little ser--
All: The sonnet!
- As the porcupine?
- Well, of course not.
That would be ridiculous.
All: [laughing and ridiculing]
Baldric: What a silly boy.
Hexela: Goodness.
- [clears throat]
Oh, brave and handsome
little kobolwald.
Baldric: They are
a bit self-conscious
about their stature.
[manly grunts]
- Oh, oh.
Uh, uh.
Huge and tall and ginormous
Mr. Kobolwald.
I give in thee honor,
your sonnet, in your honor.
[deep mystical noises]
Gretta: It's working.
Finish it.
- And even though
I have no idea what else to say,
I do know you are the king
of everything gargantu-ing.
[more mystical noises]
[gasping]
Baldric: Oh.
- A hat?
- A gift has been conjured.
Make haste!
Dwight: Uh!
Baldric: We have
only moments.
Dwight: Ah!
He doesn't bite or anything?
Gretta: Quickly!
- Mr. Kobolwald, again,
my sincerest apologies
for uprooting you
from your spot.
Please accept this gift
as reparations.
Sorry.
So sorry.
Baldric: Easy.
Gretta: Be careful.
- Sorry!
I got you.
- Something's
still not right.
- But I did everything.
Is it just me?
Or does the kobolwald look
even taller than normal today?
[chuckle]
- Oh! Absolutely.
Baldric: Without doubt.
- What lofty stature!
- Very imposing
are you, quite.
All: [laughing in relief]
Baldric: You have done it.
Well done, Sir Dwight.
Ha, ha!
Congratulations!
You are no longer accursed.
Dwight: [laughing in pain]
Thanks guys.
For everything.
- It was the least
I could do for my champion.
- Emily!
Oh!
[door slams]
- Oh, Hexela, Hexela,
who's the fairest
of them all?
[throaty laugh]
No, too overdone.
[high-pitched cackle]
That's too on the nose.
[Throaty but dignified laugh]
Original, I like it.
[running footsteps]
- Dwight?
Wasn't that just so relaxing?
- Yeah.
I, I can't even.
Emily: I'm glad
we finally got to hang out.
I don't know why
it never worked out before.
Dwight: Yeah.
Emily: I had a great time.
- Me too.
- I should be back
at Christmas.
- I run
a pretty mean toy drive.
- I'll be there.
[steps]
Baldric: Something amiss,
Highness?
Gretta: No.
Nothing Baldric,
just keeping an eye out
for invaders.
You can never be
too vigilant.
Baldric: Stay vigilant indeed.
♪