Dwight in Shining Armor (2018–2021): Season 2, Episode 1 - Champion Do-Over Pt. 2 - full transcript
Dwight: 'Kay, so this ought
to get you up to speed.
[neighing]
Baldric: Who are you?
- Sir Aldred of Westfold
at your service.
Now, Princess,
I see your predicament.
- What predicament?
Aldred: But the solution
is as plain.
- What solution?
Aldred: Unbinding spell.
It would loose Sir Dwight
from his obligation
as your champion.
- What?
Baldric: How?
Aldred: It requires that another
take Sir Dwight's place.
Dwight: Who?
Aldred: I offer myself
as your champion,
if it so please you.
- So, we've been thinking
about your offer.
Gretta: Sir Aldred of Westfold,
you are the champion
of my choice.
- Yah!
Chlodwig, who is this guy?
Hexela: The devil himself.
Where is the princess?
To the woods,
and quickly!
There's no time to lose.
[water streaming]
Hexela: [laughing gently]
Mm-mm-mm.
[poof]
Hexela: [gasp]
- [soft gasp]
You're a miracle worker.
- I've been called worse.
Do tell me, Sir Dwight,
this remarkably
accomplished young man,
this Sir Aldred of Westfold,
did he perhaps bear a scar
on his right forearm?
- Yeah, yeah, one
of the big chihuahuas bit him.
And someone wrote a song
about it.
- I think
I may have heard it.
- Keep the change.
- Thank you.
And where is Sir Aldred now?
Dwight: Just hanging
at Gretta's.
I think he's camping out
there tonight.
- I see.
- Uh, oh.
Hexela: [laughs gently]
[mwah]
Dwight: Come by in the morning,
I'm sure he'd love to give you
his autograph.
- Oh, for best results,
hold a kitten or a bunny
at least, mm, 10 minutes
before bed.
- Yes ma'am.
Hexela: [laughs gently]
[door shuts]
[intense music]
♪
♪
[door squeaks quietly]
[inaudible]
[inaudible]
[door squeaks quietly]
[key turns]
[bottles clinking]
[phone rings]
Baldric on phone: Stop pushing
things in my face, Sir Dwight.
Dwight on phone:
Say your name.
Baldric on phone:
You know my name.
Dwight on phone: It's for
when people call you.
Baldric on phone:
If they call to me
we can assume they know my name.
Dwight on phone:
You've reached Baldric's phone.
Leave a message.
He'll probably
never call you back.
Baldric on phone:
Who are you talking to?
[Hexela sighs]
Dwight: Chlodwig,
who is this guy?
Hexela: The devil himself.
Where is the princess?
- Well,
she went back with him.
- And Baldric?
[exhales]
To the woods and quickly.
There's no time to lose.
[intense music]
[theme music]
Dwight: Okay, so about
a thousand years ago
there was this princess, Gretta.
And she was in big trouble
because she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone
in the woods to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with
Gretta's big, scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Instead....
Ah!
[kissing noise]
they got me.
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
Dwight: Tell us
everything you know
about this Sir Aldred guy.
Chlodwig: [growling]
If that's even his name.
- He has many names.
This one he has not worn
for centuries.
Dwight: Centuries?
Hexela: He is
no ordinary knight,
and certainly no hero.
Chlodwig: An imposter!
- A tovenaar.
Chlodwig: Impossible.
Hexela: Not impossible,
Your Highness,
inevitable.
- What's a tovliar?
Chlodwig: Tovenaar.
- An evil this world
has not seen for 15 centuries.
Dwight: 'Kay.
Hexela: The tovenaars were
a brotherhood of dark wizards,
souless creatures who must
have been human once
though so long ago,
there's no record of it.
They grew in numbers
and in terrible strength..
And it seemed
that their cruel tyranny
would plunge the world
into neverending night,
until a champion came forth,
Osric of the House
of Moondragon.
Dwight: Osric the Grim.
We've got a bust of that guy.
Isn't he Gretta's relative?
Chlodwig: Eleventh great
grandfather, I believe.
The founder of the House
of Moondragon.
Hexela: He raised an army,
allied himself with magicians
and witches and mages
of noble heart,
and gave battle
to the tovenaars.
The tovenaars fell,
all destroyed save one.
Chlodwig: Sir Aldred.
The last of the tovenaars?
Dwight: Are you sure?
Like, like sure, sure?
Hexela: He and I have crossed
paths before.
[weary grunt]
Hexela: Baldric!
Oh! Pookie-boo!
My brave darling.
Baldric: Oh.
Are my wounds mortal?
Chlodwig: I see only
a scratch or two.
- And a little bloody nose.
- Oh.
Hexela: What happened?
Baldric: Uh.
The villain struck a blow
to my face, and--
Dwight and Chlodwig: Took
your blood, spittle and tears?
- How did you know?
Dwight: There's pretty much
nobody this guy hasn't punched
in the face today.
Hexela: This is how
he gains his abilities.
He steals them.
Once he possesses
your blood, spittle and tears,
he possesses your skills
as well.
- Scumbag.
- There's not a wizard alive
who can command that spell.
- There is one.
[ominous music]
- No.
No.
Uh.
He's taken my scepter.
And Princess Gretta!
Dwight: We're going
to find her, Baldric.
Hexela: Hurry,
lest we find her too late.
Sir Aldred: Blood,
spittle,
and tears.
Ah.
That's all I need from you.
Gretta: Baldric said
he would meet us here?
Sir Aldred: Indeed,
after he stables my horse
and gathers provisions.
Mm.
Hexela: Do you know
where he's taken her?
Baldric: The secret chamber.
Dwight: We can't just charge
in there.
This guy is like
Voldemort meets Sauron
with a Darth Vader cape.
Baldric and Hexela: Hm?
- We need a plan.
Hexela: He's right.
- I shall devise
a strategy of attack.
- Or maybe something
a little less directly
confrontational?
Baldric: Prince Chlodwig
and Sir Dwight
will enter the chamber
through the west passage.
Chlodwig: Ah!
And lure the villain
into an inescapable pit!
Dwight: What inescapable pit?
- We shall have
to find one.
And speedily.
Dwight: How are we going
to speedily find
an inescapable pit?
- Never doubt me, Sir Dwight.
Uh!
Baldric: You two
will distract Sir Aldred,
while Hexela and I approach
through the south corridor.
And strike
when he least expects.
Hexela: Yes, something must
completely absorb his attention.
Chlodwig:
To the west passage!
[bats calling]
Gretta: I think I shall go help
Baldric in the stables.
Sir Aldred: No!
[small laugh]
Don't trouble yourself.
Tell me, Princess, what was
the use of this chamber?
- It was the most
secure place in the castle.
It served as a retreat
if calamity should strike.
- Ah,
I have heard of this chamber.
Was there not a stone box
in it?
One to secure items of value?
- Not that I know of.
- Think.
A stone box,
marked with this emblem.
[music intensifies]
- Well, if there was such
a box with such an emblem,
Baldric would certainly know
of it.
I think I'll go find him.
[metallic ring]
Ha!
Who are you?
Sir Aldred: Guess.
[swords clanging]
Gretta: The emblem
on your throat, what is it?
Sir Aldred: You should know,
Gretta of the House
of Moondragon.
- Ah!
Ha!
Dwight: Is this still
the west passage?
I'm a little turned around.
[thunk]
[bat]
- Chlodwig?
Chlodwig: Sir Dwight!
- Huh! Chlodwig!
- Sir Dwight, I have
found an inescapable pit!
- You're kidding?
Really?
Good for you, man.
- Just
as I planned it.
- Wait, you planned this?
Chlodwig: Almost exactly.
Except in my plan,
Sir Aldred falls
in the inescapable pit,
not I.
[laughs]
Dwight: Here, see
if you can grab my hand.
- It's no use,
Sir Dwight.
The pit is inescapable.
[laughs]
- Well, I'll just find
a rope or something.
Chlodwig: No time.
Princess Gretta is
in the clutches of a tovenaar.
You must find her
without delay!
- Okay.
Sit tight, I'll be back.
[swords clanging]
[grunts]
Sir Aldred: I've stolen the
abilities of hundreds of people
over hundreds of years.
I could kill you
in an instant, little princess.
[swords clanging]
- Then why don't you,
coward?
[grunting]
Sir Aldred: Because
my greatest joy in life
is to use my enemies'
own skills against him,
or her as the case may be.
[swords clanging]
Gretta: Ah!
Dwight: Hey there!
Sir Aldred: Ah, your champion.
Gretta: Sir Dwight!
Run for help!
He's a thief and a villain,
and--
- Toviar.
Sir Aldred: I think you mean
tovenaar.
- No.
- Yes.
- But the tovenaars are extinct.
- Technically, endangered.
- Sir Dwight,
go for this throat!
Dwight: Ah!
[dagger clangs onto stone]
I'm not going
for anybody's throat.
Violence is the problem,
not the solution.
- Hundred percent agree.
I think if we just talk this
through,
there's a way that
we can all get what we want
and go home happy.
- Don't listen to him,
Sir Dwight.
Sir Aldred: I just think
communication breaks
down barriers.
- Absolutely.
Sir Aldred: So if we're all
open, then solution-minded,
we can all win.
- This guy is making
a lot of sense.
- He's using
your skills against you.
- How 'bout I start?
I need something.
It belongs to a friend
of mine
and I think it might have ended
up here in this secret chamber.
- All right.
What is it?
- It's hard to describe,
but it's in a stone box
with this emblem on it.
You help me find it,
then we all part as friends.
- 'Kay.
That's easy.
Looks like a stone box to me.
- You're right.
It's so obvious,
how could I have missed it?
Dwight: Teamwork makes
the dream work.
There you go.
Sir Aldred: [laughing]
Dwight and Sir Aldred:
[laughing]
Sir Aldred:
My deepest thanks.
And now I will leave you
with a trick I picked up
from a peg-legged,
Ruthenian wizard.
[stomp]
- Ah!
[lively folk music]
[grunting in time to music]
- I never tire
of this spell.
It's simple, useful
and wildly entertaining.
It compels its victims
to dance the Hopak
until they die of exhaustion.
Dwight: [breathless] What
happened to parting as friends?
- Save your breath,
here come the kicks.
Dwight: Uh.
- I do enjoy
a good Hopak.
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
- Listen carefully, Baldric.
When he is throroughly
distracted, that's when you act.
You will know the moment.
Baldric: What are you going--
Hexela: Sh!
Baldric: But I--
Hexela: Sss.
Baldric: I don't--
Hexela: Ttt.
Baldric: Hm.
Hexela: Mm.
Baldric: Hm.
Hexela: My sweet love, trust me.
Dwight: Ah!
[rumbling]
- Empty!
Hexela: Hail,
Sir Aldred of Westfold.
- Hexela.
Hexela: It's been
a long time.
- Far too long.
Gretta: This demon is
an aquaintance of yours?
- Hardly a demon.
- Hardly an acquaintance.
- You broke my heart, Hexela.
Hexela: [laughs]
Oh, silly goose.
We both know
you haven't a heart.
Sir Aldred: [laughs]
[Hexela joins in]
- How I've missed you.
Hexela: I was sure
you'd forgotten
about me centuries ago.
Dwight: Just how old are you?
And more kicks.
Gretta: Ah, floof!
Sir Aldred: You are a woman
not easily forgotten.
Hexela: Tell me,
what brings you to this castle?
Back into my life?
Sir Aldred: I might ask you
the same.
Hexela: Well, fate surely.
I knew our last goodbye
was not our last goodbye.
I've been waiting
for this moment,
this is it.
The moment.
- Uh.
[kissing]
[growling quietly]
[Hexela exhales]
Sir Aldred: If only
you had joined us Hexie.
Nothing against
the brotherhood,
but we desperately needed
a woman's perspective.
Hexela: Agreed.
What you fellows
always lacked was flair.
Hm.
[whoosh]
[thud]
Baldric: Uh!
Hexela: Ah!
My own objectification spell!
Well, I'll take that
as a complement, my darling.
- As you should, my dearest.
Baldric: Give me that witch!
[grunt]
Sir Aldred: Gladly,
I must be on my way.
- Hexela!
Are you all right?
- Where were you?
That was
a glorious opportunity.
Baldric: More like
a glorious kiss on the lips!
- [sigh] And he was
thoroughly distracted.
Baldric: Ah, uh, was he though?
Hexela: Yeah.
Baldric: Were you?
- Thoroughly.
Hexela: [laughing]
Well aren't you a darling.
[laughs]
Baldric: [vocalizes frustration]
Sir Aldred: Well, this has been
the most disappointing day
I've had in centuries.
Truly it's going to be
a depressing journal entry.
The only bright spot
I have is all of you
and the knowledge
I take with me,
that you will shortly die
agonizing deaths.
Baldric: Unhand my scepter,
you thief.
- Ah, so this is
the famed scepter.
The one that decimated
the armies of Oakmond.
The one that turned to cinders
the necromancers of Brunevaard.
Baldric: [murmur of assent]
- Until today,
you were the only magician
in the world
with the skill to wield it.
Chlodwig: Aaaaah!
- HALT!
Dwight: Chlodwig!
You got out.
Chlodwig: Sadly, yes.
The pit was not
after all inescapable.
Dwight: Oh! Bummer!
- Is this everyone?!
Are you waiting on any more
members of your rescue party?
- Only the witch.
Ah, all present, yes.
- I warn you.
[heavy wind]
Don't!
[zapping]
[thick liquid dropping]
Baldric and Hexela: Oh!
Oh!
Chlodwig: [sound of disgust]
Baldric: Make haste!
Time is not our friend.
[Gretta panting]
Baldric: Would you mind,
Sir Dwight?
Thank you.
Quickly!
- So hard to find
a solid man these days.
[liquid flowing slowly]
Dwight: Someone want to tell me
why we're running away
from a puddle?
Baldric: A puddle of evil.
Dwight: What?
Gretta: How long do we have?
Baldric: Difficult to say
Your Highness.
Chlodwig: Weeks?
Days?
Hexela: More likely hours.
Dwight: Before what?
Gretta:
Before Sir Aldred is back.
Dwight: But wait,
isn't he, you know, dead?
Baldric: Somewhat dead.
Hexela: For the moment.
Wait.
You didn't think a tovenaar
would stay dead, did you?
Dwight: Yeah, I kinda did.
Baldric: Not so, Sir Dwight.
He thought he was dead dead.
All: [laugh]
Baldric: Let's go.
Hexela: Tovenaars are creatures
of evil,
as Osric the Grim learned
when he met them in battle.
Baldric: They can be killed
like other men,
but unlike other men,
they don't stay killed.
Hexela: Osric and
the House of Moondragon
fought the tovenaars
for decades.
But how can one vanquish
an enemy
that rises again
each time he falls?
Baldric: Finally Osric found
the answer
that saved the world
from desolation.
Chlodwig: I know this part.
Mummy used to tell me
this story to terrify me
into staying in my bed at night.
Gretta: Oh.
Dwight: A kinda good mom.
Chlodwig: The only way
to make sure
a dead tovenaar stays dead,
you must separate his bones
and bury each bone alone.
Hexela: Exactly as Osric did.
A grim task to be sure.
Dwight: Is that why they
called him Osric the Grim?
Gretta: Apparently
he was always grim,
even as a child.
Baldric: Osric's army
defeated the tovenaars
and then buried their bones
in secret regions
throughout the world.
Each bone separate
from every other to ensure
that no tovenaar could ever rise
again.
Hexela: Their evil went
with them, into the ground.
Baldric: Every place
a tovenaar's bones were buried
became a dark realm.
Dwight: Wait, didn't you say
that Woodside was built
on a dark realm?
Baldric: We did.
Dwight: Oh, so underneath
Woodside is just a bunch
of undead super bad guy bones.
Gretta: The bones
of a tovenaar.
Dwight: [panting]
Oh, uh.
[birds chirping]
[footsteps]
Dwight: Chances are,
he's not coming back.
He was looking for something
in your castle.
It wasn't there.
So, I'm sure he's off doing
some evil wizard stuff
someplace else.
Gretta: We can only hope.
You came to my rescue today,
knowing you would have
to face the tovenaar.
Dwight: To be honest,
I had no idea
what that even was.
- You're a rare person,
Sir Dwight.
I would be most grateful
if you would continue
as my champion.
- Yeah, okay.
I mean, I kinda thought I would
after Sir Aldred turned out
to be a--
- Undead creature of evil?
Dwight: Yeah.
So we're back on?
Gretta: Indeed we are.
[ominous music]
[thick bubbling]
♪
to get you up to speed.
[neighing]
Baldric: Who are you?
- Sir Aldred of Westfold
at your service.
Now, Princess,
I see your predicament.
- What predicament?
Aldred: But the solution
is as plain.
- What solution?
Aldred: Unbinding spell.
It would loose Sir Dwight
from his obligation
as your champion.
- What?
Baldric: How?
Aldred: It requires that another
take Sir Dwight's place.
Dwight: Who?
Aldred: I offer myself
as your champion,
if it so please you.
- So, we've been thinking
about your offer.
Gretta: Sir Aldred of Westfold,
you are the champion
of my choice.
- Yah!
Chlodwig, who is this guy?
Hexela: The devil himself.
Where is the princess?
To the woods,
and quickly!
There's no time to lose.
[water streaming]
Hexela: [laughing gently]
Mm-mm-mm.
[poof]
Hexela: [gasp]
- [soft gasp]
You're a miracle worker.
- I've been called worse.
Do tell me, Sir Dwight,
this remarkably
accomplished young man,
this Sir Aldred of Westfold,
did he perhaps bear a scar
on his right forearm?
- Yeah, yeah, one
of the big chihuahuas bit him.
And someone wrote a song
about it.
- I think
I may have heard it.
- Keep the change.
- Thank you.
And where is Sir Aldred now?
Dwight: Just hanging
at Gretta's.
I think he's camping out
there tonight.
- I see.
- Uh, oh.
Hexela: [laughs gently]
[mwah]
Dwight: Come by in the morning,
I'm sure he'd love to give you
his autograph.
- Oh, for best results,
hold a kitten or a bunny
at least, mm, 10 minutes
before bed.
- Yes ma'am.
Hexela: [laughs gently]
[door shuts]
[intense music]
♪
♪
[door squeaks quietly]
[inaudible]
[inaudible]
[door squeaks quietly]
[key turns]
[bottles clinking]
[phone rings]
Baldric on phone: Stop pushing
things in my face, Sir Dwight.
Dwight on phone:
Say your name.
Baldric on phone:
You know my name.
Dwight on phone: It's for
when people call you.
Baldric on phone:
If they call to me
we can assume they know my name.
Dwight on phone:
You've reached Baldric's phone.
Leave a message.
He'll probably
never call you back.
Baldric on phone:
Who are you talking to?
[Hexela sighs]
Dwight: Chlodwig,
who is this guy?
Hexela: The devil himself.
Where is the princess?
- Well,
she went back with him.
- And Baldric?
[exhales]
To the woods and quickly.
There's no time to lose.
[intense music]
[theme music]
Dwight: Okay, so about
a thousand years ago
there was this princess, Gretta.
And she was in big trouble
because she had lots of enemies
and not a lot of friends.
So her court magician, Baldric
cast the champion spell.
It put everyone
in the woods to sleep
until a champion would come,
break the spell with his kiss
and deal with
Gretta's big, scary enemies.
But that guy never showed up.
Instead....
Ah!
[kissing noise]
they got me.
Ah!
♪
Ow!
♪
♪
Dwight: Tell us
everything you know
about this Sir Aldred guy.
Chlodwig: [growling]
If that's even his name.
- He has many names.
This one he has not worn
for centuries.
Dwight: Centuries?
Hexela: He is
no ordinary knight,
and certainly no hero.
Chlodwig: An imposter!
- A tovenaar.
Chlodwig: Impossible.
Hexela: Not impossible,
Your Highness,
inevitable.
- What's a tovliar?
Chlodwig: Tovenaar.
- An evil this world
has not seen for 15 centuries.
Dwight: 'Kay.
Hexela: The tovenaars were
a brotherhood of dark wizards,
souless creatures who must
have been human once
though so long ago,
there's no record of it.
They grew in numbers
and in terrible strength..
And it seemed
that their cruel tyranny
would plunge the world
into neverending night,
until a champion came forth,
Osric of the House
of Moondragon.
Dwight: Osric the Grim.
We've got a bust of that guy.
Isn't he Gretta's relative?
Chlodwig: Eleventh great
grandfather, I believe.
The founder of the House
of Moondragon.
Hexela: He raised an army,
allied himself with magicians
and witches and mages
of noble heart,
and gave battle
to the tovenaars.
The tovenaars fell,
all destroyed save one.
Chlodwig: Sir Aldred.
The last of the tovenaars?
Dwight: Are you sure?
Like, like sure, sure?
Hexela: He and I have crossed
paths before.
[weary grunt]
Hexela: Baldric!
Oh! Pookie-boo!
My brave darling.
Baldric: Oh.
Are my wounds mortal?
Chlodwig: I see only
a scratch or two.
- And a little bloody nose.
- Oh.
Hexela: What happened?
Baldric: Uh.
The villain struck a blow
to my face, and--
Dwight and Chlodwig: Took
your blood, spittle and tears?
- How did you know?
Dwight: There's pretty much
nobody this guy hasn't punched
in the face today.
Hexela: This is how
he gains his abilities.
He steals them.
Once he possesses
your blood, spittle and tears,
he possesses your skills
as well.
- Scumbag.
- There's not a wizard alive
who can command that spell.
- There is one.
[ominous music]
- No.
No.
Uh.
He's taken my scepter.
And Princess Gretta!
Dwight: We're going
to find her, Baldric.
Hexela: Hurry,
lest we find her too late.
Sir Aldred: Blood,
spittle,
and tears.
Ah.
That's all I need from you.
Gretta: Baldric said
he would meet us here?
Sir Aldred: Indeed,
after he stables my horse
and gathers provisions.
Mm.
Hexela: Do you know
where he's taken her?
Baldric: The secret chamber.
Dwight: We can't just charge
in there.
This guy is like
Voldemort meets Sauron
with a Darth Vader cape.
Baldric and Hexela: Hm?
- We need a plan.
Hexela: He's right.
- I shall devise
a strategy of attack.
- Or maybe something
a little less directly
confrontational?
Baldric: Prince Chlodwig
and Sir Dwight
will enter the chamber
through the west passage.
Chlodwig: Ah!
And lure the villain
into an inescapable pit!
Dwight: What inescapable pit?
- We shall have
to find one.
And speedily.
Dwight: How are we going
to speedily find
an inescapable pit?
- Never doubt me, Sir Dwight.
Uh!
Baldric: You two
will distract Sir Aldred,
while Hexela and I approach
through the south corridor.
And strike
when he least expects.
Hexela: Yes, something must
completely absorb his attention.
Chlodwig:
To the west passage!
[bats calling]
Gretta: I think I shall go help
Baldric in the stables.
Sir Aldred: No!
[small laugh]
Don't trouble yourself.
Tell me, Princess, what was
the use of this chamber?
- It was the most
secure place in the castle.
It served as a retreat
if calamity should strike.
- Ah,
I have heard of this chamber.
Was there not a stone box
in it?
One to secure items of value?
- Not that I know of.
- Think.
A stone box,
marked with this emblem.
[music intensifies]
- Well, if there was such
a box with such an emblem,
Baldric would certainly know
of it.
I think I'll go find him.
[metallic ring]
Ha!
Who are you?
Sir Aldred: Guess.
[swords clanging]
Gretta: The emblem
on your throat, what is it?
Sir Aldred: You should know,
Gretta of the House
of Moondragon.
- Ah!
Ha!
Dwight: Is this still
the west passage?
I'm a little turned around.
[thunk]
[bat]
- Chlodwig?
Chlodwig: Sir Dwight!
- Huh! Chlodwig!
- Sir Dwight, I have
found an inescapable pit!
- You're kidding?
Really?
Good for you, man.
- Just
as I planned it.
- Wait, you planned this?
Chlodwig: Almost exactly.
Except in my plan,
Sir Aldred falls
in the inescapable pit,
not I.
[laughs]
Dwight: Here, see
if you can grab my hand.
- It's no use,
Sir Dwight.
The pit is inescapable.
[laughs]
- Well, I'll just find
a rope or something.
Chlodwig: No time.
Princess Gretta is
in the clutches of a tovenaar.
You must find her
without delay!
- Okay.
Sit tight, I'll be back.
[swords clanging]
[grunts]
Sir Aldred: I've stolen the
abilities of hundreds of people
over hundreds of years.
I could kill you
in an instant, little princess.
[swords clanging]
- Then why don't you,
coward?
[grunting]
Sir Aldred: Because
my greatest joy in life
is to use my enemies'
own skills against him,
or her as the case may be.
[swords clanging]
Gretta: Ah!
Dwight: Hey there!
Sir Aldred: Ah, your champion.
Gretta: Sir Dwight!
Run for help!
He's a thief and a villain,
and--
- Toviar.
Sir Aldred: I think you mean
tovenaar.
- No.
- Yes.
- But the tovenaars are extinct.
- Technically, endangered.
- Sir Dwight,
go for this throat!
Dwight: Ah!
[dagger clangs onto stone]
I'm not going
for anybody's throat.
Violence is the problem,
not the solution.
- Hundred percent agree.
I think if we just talk this
through,
there's a way that
we can all get what we want
and go home happy.
- Don't listen to him,
Sir Dwight.
Sir Aldred: I just think
communication breaks
down barriers.
- Absolutely.
Sir Aldred: So if we're all
open, then solution-minded,
we can all win.
- This guy is making
a lot of sense.
- He's using
your skills against you.
- How 'bout I start?
I need something.
It belongs to a friend
of mine
and I think it might have ended
up here in this secret chamber.
- All right.
What is it?
- It's hard to describe,
but it's in a stone box
with this emblem on it.
You help me find it,
then we all part as friends.
- 'Kay.
That's easy.
Looks like a stone box to me.
- You're right.
It's so obvious,
how could I have missed it?
Dwight: Teamwork makes
the dream work.
There you go.
Sir Aldred: [laughing]
Dwight and Sir Aldred:
[laughing]
Sir Aldred:
My deepest thanks.
And now I will leave you
with a trick I picked up
from a peg-legged,
Ruthenian wizard.
[stomp]
- Ah!
[lively folk music]
[grunting in time to music]
- I never tire
of this spell.
It's simple, useful
and wildly entertaining.
It compels its victims
to dance the Hopak
until they die of exhaustion.
Dwight: [breathless] What
happened to parting as friends?
- Save your breath,
here come the kicks.
Dwight: Uh.
- I do enjoy
a good Hopak.
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
- Listen carefully, Baldric.
When he is throroughly
distracted, that's when you act.
You will know the moment.
Baldric: What are you going--
Hexela: Sh!
Baldric: But I--
Hexela: Sss.
Baldric: I don't--
Hexela: Ttt.
Baldric: Hm.
Hexela: Mm.
Baldric: Hm.
Hexela: My sweet love, trust me.
Dwight: Ah!
[rumbling]
- Empty!
Hexela: Hail,
Sir Aldred of Westfold.
- Hexela.
Hexela: It's been
a long time.
- Far too long.
Gretta: This demon is
an aquaintance of yours?
- Hardly a demon.
- Hardly an acquaintance.
- You broke my heart, Hexela.
Hexela: [laughs]
Oh, silly goose.
We both know
you haven't a heart.
Sir Aldred: [laughs]
[Hexela joins in]
- How I've missed you.
Hexela: I was sure
you'd forgotten
about me centuries ago.
Dwight: Just how old are you?
And more kicks.
Gretta: Ah, floof!
Sir Aldred: You are a woman
not easily forgotten.
Hexela: Tell me,
what brings you to this castle?
Back into my life?
Sir Aldred: I might ask you
the same.
Hexela: Well, fate surely.
I knew our last goodbye
was not our last goodbye.
I've been waiting
for this moment,
this is it.
The moment.
- Uh.
[kissing]
[growling quietly]
[Hexela exhales]
Sir Aldred: If only
you had joined us Hexie.
Nothing against
the brotherhood,
but we desperately needed
a woman's perspective.
Hexela: Agreed.
What you fellows
always lacked was flair.
Hm.
[whoosh]
[thud]
Baldric: Uh!
Hexela: Ah!
My own objectification spell!
Well, I'll take that
as a complement, my darling.
- As you should, my dearest.
Baldric: Give me that witch!
[grunt]
Sir Aldred: Gladly,
I must be on my way.
- Hexela!
Are you all right?
- Where were you?
That was
a glorious opportunity.
Baldric: More like
a glorious kiss on the lips!
- [sigh] And he was
thoroughly distracted.
Baldric: Ah, uh, was he though?
Hexela: Yeah.
Baldric: Were you?
- Thoroughly.
Hexela: [laughing]
Well aren't you a darling.
[laughs]
Baldric: [vocalizes frustration]
Sir Aldred: Well, this has been
the most disappointing day
I've had in centuries.
Truly it's going to be
a depressing journal entry.
The only bright spot
I have is all of you
and the knowledge
I take with me,
that you will shortly die
agonizing deaths.
Baldric: Unhand my scepter,
you thief.
- Ah, so this is
the famed scepter.
The one that decimated
the armies of Oakmond.
The one that turned to cinders
the necromancers of Brunevaard.
Baldric: [murmur of assent]
- Until today,
you were the only magician
in the world
with the skill to wield it.
Chlodwig: Aaaaah!
- HALT!
Dwight: Chlodwig!
You got out.
Chlodwig: Sadly, yes.
The pit was not
after all inescapable.
Dwight: Oh! Bummer!
- Is this everyone?!
Are you waiting on any more
members of your rescue party?
- Only the witch.
Ah, all present, yes.
- I warn you.
[heavy wind]
Don't!
[zapping]
[thick liquid dropping]
Baldric and Hexela: Oh!
Oh!
Chlodwig: [sound of disgust]
Baldric: Make haste!
Time is not our friend.
[Gretta panting]
Baldric: Would you mind,
Sir Dwight?
Thank you.
Quickly!
- So hard to find
a solid man these days.
[liquid flowing slowly]
Dwight: Someone want to tell me
why we're running away
from a puddle?
Baldric: A puddle of evil.
Dwight: What?
Gretta: How long do we have?
Baldric: Difficult to say
Your Highness.
Chlodwig: Weeks?
Days?
Hexela: More likely hours.
Dwight: Before what?
Gretta:
Before Sir Aldred is back.
Dwight: But wait,
isn't he, you know, dead?
Baldric: Somewhat dead.
Hexela: For the moment.
Wait.
You didn't think a tovenaar
would stay dead, did you?
Dwight: Yeah, I kinda did.
Baldric: Not so, Sir Dwight.
He thought he was dead dead.
All: [laugh]
Baldric: Let's go.
Hexela: Tovenaars are creatures
of evil,
as Osric the Grim learned
when he met them in battle.
Baldric: They can be killed
like other men,
but unlike other men,
they don't stay killed.
Hexela: Osric and
the House of Moondragon
fought the tovenaars
for decades.
But how can one vanquish
an enemy
that rises again
each time he falls?
Baldric: Finally Osric found
the answer
that saved the world
from desolation.
Chlodwig: I know this part.
Mummy used to tell me
this story to terrify me
into staying in my bed at night.
Gretta: Oh.
Dwight: A kinda good mom.
Chlodwig: The only way
to make sure
a dead tovenaar stays dead,
you must separate his bones
and bury each bone alone.
Hexela: Exactly as Osric did.
A grim task to be sure.
Dwight: Is that why they
called him Osric the Grim?
Gretta: Apparently
he was always grim,
even as a child.
Baldric: Osric's army
defeated the tovenaars
and then buried their bones
in secret regions
throughout the world.
Each bone separate
from every other to ensure
that no tovenaar could ever rise
again.
Hexela: Their evil went
with them, into the ground.
Baldric: Every place
a tovenaar's bones were buried
became a dark realm.
Dwight: Wait, didn't you say
that Woodside was built
on a dark realm?
Baldric: We did.
Dwight: Oh, so underneath
Woodside is just a bunch
of undead super bad guy bones.
Gretta: The bones
of a tovenaar.
Dwight: [panting]
Oh, uh.
[birds chirping]
[footsteps]
Dwight: Chances are,
he's not coming back.
He was looking for something
in your castle.
It wasn't there.
So, I'm sure he's off doing
some evil wizard stuff
someplace else.
Gretta: We can only hope.
You came to my rescue today,
knowing you would have
to face the tovenaar.
Dwight: To be honest,
I had no idea
what that even was.
- You're a rare person,
Sir Dwight.
I would be most grateful
if you would continue
as my champion.
- Yeah, okay.
I mean, I kinda thought I would
after Sir Aldred turned out
to be a--
- Undead creature of evil?
Dwight: Yeah.
So we're back on?
Gretta: Indeed we are.
[ominous music]
[thick bubbling]
♪