Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 9, Episode 5 - Alan in Charge - full transcript

Alright look, here's the deal.

- We bought a six foot sub.
- Yep.

We should have
been 15 duck calls.

You know how
many duck calls it is?

- How many?
- Fourteen!

We got gypped on this one, Jase.

Yeah, that's almost a
whole 'nother sandwich.

We just got shafted.

That's right, they
gave us the shaft, boys.

- Six inches.
- Yeah, the six inch shaft.

It just ain't right.



Recut it and short
change yourself six inches.

I like it.

What are you doing?

I'll tell you what's going
on, we got the shaft.

I need the purchase order 1053.

- Now?
- Right now, during lunch break?

Yes, I need to
match it up, right now.

I wasn't gon' bring that
up but it is lunch break.

It is lunch break.

Hey.

You threw it in the garbage?

No, this is the file.

Jase.

If there's one thing you
can rely on these guys



to do at work, it's
take long lunch breaks.

If there's something
you can't rely on them for,

it's pretty much
everything else.

Hand him that.

Eek.

Actually that does match.

Okay, so Jase found the thing

but any normal
employee would've lost it.

So, in a way, he's
so disorganized,

he can't even lose
something properly.

I need a bigger bin.

So, I don't have
to keep doing this.

You need to organize
that whole thing.

At least get a filing
cabinet or a binder.

Crap, get a Trapper Keeper.

If I need to come back
here and get something

you need to be able to
hand it to me just like that.

- I did just hand it to you.
- How would you fix that?

I know, this was an exception.

But if I ask for another one, I
guarantee you couldn't find it.

- I'll take that bet.
- I don't have one now,

but the point is that's
not a file cabinet.

- I know what's in here.
- That's right.

Who's going to step up and
organize the darn filing cabinet?

I would, but my plate's full.

Hire somebody.

- Right here.
- See? I wish you were more like that.

I actually don't wanna do it.

But I think if you hired
Alan he could do it.

He's the most
organized person I know.

Agreed.

I've got two too many brothers
of mine working up here.

Blood's thicker than water.

All right, who's going to step
up and be the team leader?

- Hire Alan!
- Yeah.

- We need Alan!
- That's right.

We need Alan!

All right, I'll think
about it and talk to Al.

But y'all need to step up.

That thing needs
to be organized.

All right, everybody
come get your sandwich.

I want the end piece.

What do you mean,
"you want the end piece?"

Look here, I was
crappie fishing one day.

Look, cork goes under.

Cork goes under, look.

I caught a big ol'
octopus, okay?

Look, a octopus.

And, look, I made
tacos outta that sucker.

You talk 'bout good?

Where was you at when
you caught a octopus?

I was in the lake.

- Are you kiddin'?
- No.

They're saltwater only.

When they get
in freshwater, boy.

Hey, you talkin' about...

Al!

What's happenin', ladies?

What're you doin' here?

- I'm the office manager.
- Awesome.

Checkin' out our
efficiency needs.

So, look, I wanna
hear from you guys.

What are some
things that we can do

to be a little more
efficient around here?

Let's take our TV
out of the '90's.

You guys watch a lot of TV?

It's not even HD.

It doesn't know what that is.

You reckon we can get
an ice-cream machine?

Do you think that
would help efficiency?

Mm-hmm.

Everybody wants some ice-cream.

That's exactly right.

So, I had the opportunity
to put together a little list

of things I think
is going to help us.

I've been workin' on some
ways we can be more efficient.

Yep, okay.

So, you guys are going to rotate

through trash, clean-up,
sweeping, mopping.

The kitchen, which
is a disaster zone.

I'm havin' flashbacks
to my Army days

here with all this
crap I'm lookin' at here.

Hey, look, there's a reason
I retired from the military.

Two words: "Organa," "Zation."

Well I know this is gonna
take a little time to soak in.

I don't know about all this.

Al reminds me of
this superior I had.

We called him
Sergeant Slaughter,

'cause wherever he went, he
was a killing machine of fun.

Oh, we can do it,
Si, it's a team sport.

- No, I don't think so.
- We're all going to pull together.

Sarge walks in, "Robertson,
clean the barracks! Tuck in that shirt!

And do somethin' with them boots!
They smell like rotten cabbage!"

I don't know why he was
hung up on my boots, okay?

It was my feet that
smelled like cabbage.

What I'm going to do the
rest of today is just observe.

I need to see what you
guys are doin' in here.

So you just carry on
like I'm not even here.

What about a
bigger refrigerator?

I'm not here, Godwin,
I'm just observin'.

I'm not here.

- You just going to stand there?
- I'm not here.

Do what you'd normally do.

You're going to realize you're
here in about 20 seconds.

I'm not here.

Korie, what time'd you
say the alarm went off?

It was, like, 3:00
in the morning.

Well, it's the motion detector
that went off in the front yard.

I told you. Somebody was here.

I'm not going to say
somebody was here.

Somethin' tripped the alarm.

I'm sure it was a raccoon
or a dog or somethin'.

How do you know?

'Cause the dogs, I can
tell by the way they bark.

Oh, please.

They have an animal bark
and they have a person bark.

It's a distinct bark.

Korie got so riled up
over our security alarm

goin' off last night, she
called in our security guy, Dan.

Dan, write the code on
the wall above the alarm.

Why would you wanna do that?

So you can remember,
so you turn it off.

Then if a burglar comes
in and the alarm goes off,

he's going to read the
code and just turn it off.

If he's already in, we
would know he's here.

Korie is panicking, but
these alarm malfunctions

happen all the time.

If they didn't, the expression
"false alarm" wouldn't exist.

We gotta get the
security alarm working.

It's workin', it goes
off all the time.

Right about now, I wanna
install a security system

that will protect me from ever
having this conversation again.

I spent a lotta
years on the force.

You've gotta
pay attention to it.

That's what it's here for.

- Oh, no.
- Wise beyond your years, you are.

I think I got you rigged up.
I gotta go, I've got a class.

- You takin' some college classes?
- I teach a class.

Jedi-training.

It's actually a
self-defense class.

Apparently, I'm going to need
that since Willie's not real concerned

about the security around here.

I better learn to
take care of myself.

There is one pressure
point I can show you

that he'll wet his pants.

- Really?
- Yes, ma'am.

Pipe down, Dan.

I wanna learn that.

Can we come back
tomorrow for a class?

The only problem with tomorrow
is my assistant's not available.

I have to have someone
that I demonstrate on.

John Luke will do it.

- What do I have to do?
- Endure a little of pain.

They're going to beat
the crap outta you.

All right, guys, I
gotta get outta here.

- Holler at you tomorrow.
- Thanks, Dan, appreciate it.

John Luke, I am your father.

You're hilarious.

Hilarious, I am.

We've been violated, boys.

What in the world?

I'm tellin' ya, we've
been violated.

Where's my stuff?

- Violated.
- Name tags?

- At least he got the chairs right.
- I think that's my chair.

Nope, that's mine,
it's got my name on it.

I get up to go to the
bathroom all the time,

I can't be sittin'
in the middle.

Oh, no, uh-uh.

This ain't bad.

How am I supposed
to fit right here?

Why y'all sittin' down?

'Cause I'm tired.

This is usually where
I get my best rest.

This is the problem
with people like y'all.

Somebody comes and
changes the way we do things,

and y'all are like, "Okay."

This is a comfortable
chair, I like it.

Buncha dumb oxen.

I do like this chair, though.

I gotta feelin' how this
might've happened.

And that's only mildly creepy.

Look, I love Al.

He's the best beardless
man that I know.

However, he can
be a real nuisance.

We're like puppets.

And Al thinks he's
the puppet-master.

When I was a kid,
he was the boss.

We're not kids anymore, though.

I figured that was obvious.

"Do not...

- touch."
- "touch."

"anything...

- thing!"
- "thing."

Exclamation point,
exclamation point.

Exclamation point.

This aggression
will not stand, boys.

The other thing that
should be obvious,

I don't take orders
from beardless men.

Just as a general rule.

Mornin' men.

What do you think
of the changes?

- Funny.
- I think it sucks.

Si, you haven't even
given it a chance.

How would you
like for me to come...

I'll ask you this.

How would Lisa like for
me to come into her bedroom

and then just
rearrange everything?

She'd have you
arrested, first of all...

Well, think that's what
we oughta do to you.

So what's that in your hand?

Good observation, Martin.

This is your time-sheets.

What?

So here's the way it works.

Whenever you guys need to
take a break, you punch-out.

No.

Si, you need to take
a nap, you punch-out.

No.

Jep, you've got a gas
attack, you punch-out.

- Oh, yeah.
- We have to keep track of time.

- Nope.
- I'm going to leave these here.

Do not destroy these.

I know you guys can do it,
come on. Be all you can be, Si.

- See, there he goes again, boys.
- Like the Army. You can do it.

Ain't going to happen.

I think, since he sent us a message,
we need to send him a message.

What're you fixin' to do?

Things are changin'.

This aggression
will not stand, boys.

Number one, this
is not a dance class.

This is not a Pilates class.

This is not a "get fit" class.

This is a "get mean" class.

We're going to show
you how to get out

of a number of grasps or holds.

It doesn't take size.

It doesn't take strength.

Has nothin' to do with age.

All it is is leverage,
speed, and a target.

- Oh, wow.
- Ever been attacked?

Anybody ever had an altercation?

You know, I have
miniature farm animals.

And I have a little
pygmy goat, sweet as pie.

He decides to head butt
me in the back of the knee.

When he did that, guess what
happened to my other knee?

I went down.

Goats aren't the only
ones that can do that.

Well, sometimes
Willie tickles me,

and I can't get him off of me.

I promise you, when we get done,

if you don't want him
tickling you, he will not.

Good.

So, John Luke. If
you'll step over here,

then we'll start
demonstrating some stuff.

All right, John Luke.

- Yeah, John Luke.
- You got this, John Luke.

I'm so glad all the wives
decided to join me today,

because there are a lot of
unpredictable people out there,

and you just never know

when someone's
going to try to hurt you

or someone you love.

John Luke, you are
fixin' to hit the ground.

Oh, no, I'm scared.

Oh, my goodness.

Also, I can't stand it
when Willie tickles me.

I can take this hand,
and make him do anything

I want him to do.

Stand on your tippy-toes.

Tippy-toes.

I take a finger in each
knot and I go straight down.

Good grief.

If Dan's demonstrations
with John Luke

are any indication of what
I'm going to learn today...

Get on the ground!
Get on the ground!

I don't think Willie's going to be
winnin' any more tickle battles.

I own him.

Whatever I want is mine.

Is it normal for the
perpetrator to start

laughing at this point?

No, I can stop that.

- Mom!
- Don't hurt him.

Stop! Stop!

Poor John Luke.

I'm going to do that to Willie.

All right, Johnny D, we need
a new flavor for the menu.

So I gotta see which
one you think is the best.

Mississippi Pan Juice
or Attila the Runs?

- I thought it was a little hot.
- Yeah, it's hot.

Is it in your sinuses?

I don't think I have
any hair left in my nose.

That's where it hit me.

My sinuses would totally
open up when I did it.

- What's up?
- What do y'all need?

He made a bad mistake.

- This is an emergency.
- Yeah, he messed up.

We're having a
scientific meeting.

I thought it'd be a
good idea to hire Al,

but now it'd be a
better idea to fire him.

- Yeah, you need to fire the boy.
- It was your idea.

- I said I made a bad call.
- He messed up.

That's not easy for me to say.

I'm not firin' Al.

He's a vibe-killer.

What he's doin' is,
is killing productivity.

There's very little productivity. I
don't know how you can kill that.

We're gettin' all orders, now.

I don't even know what
he's doin', so I don't care.

He brought in paperwork,
time-cards, all this junk.

Clean up detail
and all this junk.

The more you talk about it,
sounds like he's doin' a good job.

- No, he's not, trust me.
- No, no.

You're the one sayin' he
was going to save everything

and that's exactly
what we needed.

If he stays, production
starts to go down.

Oh, it's already gone down.

We could be buildin'
duck calls right now.

Look, if he stays
we're outta here.

- Yeah, we're out.
- No.

Alan needs to be fired.

You hired him, you fire him.

Oh, I've been wanting to
fire my brother for years.

All right, y'all need
to get back to work.

Al took all our snacks.

Hand me one of them wings.

All right, I got you the
perfect wing right here.

- Good grief, Johnny D.
- There ya go.

- Good grief, son.
- Johnny D...

- Do you like that?
- See?

- It's really not bad.
- Are you kiddin' me?

- What's that called?
- "Attila the Runs."

- No.
- Brother, that was my water.

Tell them boys to put
some hot sauce on that stuff.

I told you it wasn't that hot.

He eats a lot of
weird stuff every day.

You are such a pansy.

All right, do you wanna learn
how to defend against this?

- It's orange, it's kinda cute.
- It's still a gun!

- I love orange.
- It's not intimidating at all.

It looks like a pumpkin-gun.

It's a prop, it's how we
teach you how to defend

- against a hand gun.
- Is it rubbery?

Do they make guns
in pink for girls?

Yellow, like the sunshine.

Pretty floral print,
or something.

- I like polka-dots.
- I do, too.

You know what, we
should get a purse

that has that little
pocket in there,

that concealed weapons pocket.

Everybody agreed,
we like orange.

Everybody agrees, it's pretty.

It's even pretty
if it's polka-dot.

We all good with that.

We may look like a group
of dainty, Southern belles.

But us Robertson wives,
we've got a little fight in us.

All right.

Parry, stay up, elbow.

Whoop, stop, stop, back up.

We're not afraid to throw
down if the situation calls for it.

Oh, my gosh.

What happened?

I think anytime you marry
into a family of stubborn men,

you learn to fight
for what you want.

Go for the wrist.

How do you jam the gun?

With the second hand.

You come over the top
with the second hand.

- Very good.
- Got it! Yes!

You figured it out.
You figured it out.

Although, the Robertson
men are definitely softer

the younger they get.

John Luke, you look so cute.

You look like a Transformer.

My God.

Look, he's got home
plate attached to his groin.

I know you don't wanna hurt him.

But I think

we can make you
have a little incentive.

- Uh-oh.
- Think about his smart mouth.

Just think about this.

He's got you on the
ground, and he is tickling you.

Oh, that makes me mad.

- Oh, it's goin' down.
- Get him.

- Come on, come get me.
- Come on.

Come on, Korie.

Kick, kick, good.

Got him, good kick! Good kick!

You never learn? You take on one
Robertson woman you take on all of 'em?

- Yo.
- You got a minute?

What's up?

Well, I'm wondering about this.

Well, I don't really
know what happened.

Well, here's what I know,
we're up on production.

No TV, time-sheets
are bein' turned in.

There's a schedule now,
for the next six months.

- How long have you been here?
- Two days.

Hang on, let me get him in here.

I need Jase to come to
my office immediately.

Were you listenin'
to our conversation?

We were lookin' for somethin'.

What're you lookin'
for in Korie's office?

- Stuff.
- Where's Si?

He's been in the
bathroom for, like, an hour.

Did he clock out for that?
That's what I'm talkin' about.

I could hear the moans and
the groans through the walls.

He said that stuff wasn't hot.

What is that?

See this defacing of
company property?

I've just been trying to
find the person who did it.

I've just been
carrying it around.

- I bet.
- Oh, I see you got your memo.

Here's the deal.

Al just informed me
that production's up.

So I'm thinkin' about
keeping him around.

- That's a bad call.
- Finally, somebody that appreciates.

- He's exactly right.
- It's a terrible idea.

You know who else
was exactly right?

- This guy, right here.
- No.

'Cause he's the one that saw
ya... I'm tryin' to build ya up.

- You were right.
- No, I was wrong.

- I'm sayin' you're right.
- I was wrong.

No, you're wrong
because you were right.

- No.
- See what I'm sayin'?

But you're wrong thinkin'
that you weren't right.

You're both wrong.

What I'm sayin' is AI's stayin,

and I like the direction
he's takin' the company.

Exactly what we need because
I've been seeing some things,

Willie, that quite frankly need
to be organized at the top.

- For Jase?
- No, no. I'm talkin' about you.

Believe me, I got my
stuff in line, all right?

'Cause I've been
observing for two days now.

Don't look after what I...

I think trickle down
has to start trickling.

He's onto somethin' here.

And we need some
trickle-down organization.

- He's right about that.
- No, he's wrong about that.

I've already trickled
all I can trickle.

I wanna start the
trickle at the top,

and then it's going
to trickle down.

That's why I brought you
in, you're part of the trickle.

Not enough trickling.

Somebody didn't
trickle right, all right?

I'm just saying, if
you want this to be

a well-oiled machine,
then I need to begin here.

I don't need somebody
telling me what to do.

I got a list that I need
to talk to you about.

- Jase, you're right. Al...
- you're out.

- You're fired.
- It's just business.

Here, you can have this.

Fired for helping the company?

Chalk it up for just a
two-day experience.

Whoa, man. Good
grief. Good grief.

Oh, man. Whoa.

Look, I'm tellin' you
boys, Mount St. Helens

didn't have nothin' on what
just happened in the bathroom.

- You don't wanna be in there.
- No.

I just had a glimpse of Hell.

All right, we got it.

Did you clock out?

Has he got squared
away here, yet?

- Yeah, he gone.
- I mean, I love you.

You're my favorite
nephew, but, you know, hey.

You know, better times.

What do you want, Si?

Ice would be nice.

Oh.

- I wasn't sure you got it.
- We got it.

I would sit down, but I
can't. You talk about bad.

Good grief.

Now what you gotta
remember is you gotta get mean.

Whelp, you all
got it figured out?

Look what the cat drug in.

I texted 'em to come by
because I have been very pleased

with what I seen today.

It's like yoga class, huh?

- Far from it.
- No.

- We bad.
- Yup.

All right, y'all got some
cheerleading moves or not?

Oh, please.

Who's "Roboflop" over there?

Are you wearin' a diaper?

Well, one of the pressure
points actually make you pee.

No tellin' how many
people's peed in that thing.

We can show you some things
they've learned, anybody wanna go?

- Come on, Korie.
- This is from the straddle position,

which means the
woman is layin' in the bed.

She wakes up and they're
trying to strangle her.

It's the hardest
move to get out of.

Korie does it very well.

There's nothing
better than getting back

at your husband
for messing with you.

All right, let's do it.

This'll be a piece of cake.

I'd actually like
to try to figure out

that pee-your-pants move.

That would totally be
the sweetest payback.

Get on top of her. Put your
hands around her throat.

- Sit on me.
- If you're scared, say you're scared.

- I'm not scared.
- Well, straddle her.

Especially since the last
time we had a tickle fight,

Willie mad me pee my
pants, just, like, a tiny bit.

I mean, he's made me
pee my pants a few times.

Go.

All right, Korie, come on.

- Lock your leg!
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Girls win. Girl power.

Good job.

- Perfect!
- We bad.

All right, y'all bow.

Father, we thank You for
another good day on planet Earth.

For that, we are
humbled and hopeful.

In the name of Jesus I pray.

- Amen.
- Amen.

We've all had those
moments in life where,

for better, for worse, your
family exceeds your expectations.

Sure, it can catch
you off guard.

Like your older brother getting
way too involved in your work habits,

or underestimating your
wife's self-defense skills,

which, for the record, I
wasn't trying that hard.

Regardless of what
happened today,

it's important to
embrace each other.

Not just because we
share the same last name,

but for what makes us
different, no matter how different.

Let me tell you, Attila the Hun,

she is a mean,
sadistic little heifer.