Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 9, Episode 6 - Renaissance Men - full transcript

Korie, I like this.

I think I'm going with
the sombrero look.

No, lose the hat.

Without the hat,
this is just a blouse.

- It's not a blouse.
- Think I had a shirt like that.

- It's a Renaissance period shirt.
- Back in the '90s.

Normally coupled with a doublet

and a pair of loose
fitting britches.

- Are you gonna keep talking like that?
- 'Course, my lord.

It's for Godwin,
Willie. Come on.

I'm wearing this shirt.
That should be enough.



Doublet.

For many years now, it's been
a Duck Commander tradition

to throw a birthday party for
some of our best employees.

Well, Godwin's birthday's
a few days away,

and he's chosen quite an
interesting theme for his party.

Huzzah!

A Renaissance fair.

Godwin and I love
Renaissance fairs.

Britches. Doublet. Huzzah!

The costumes, the
games, the pageantry.

Si!

- Nice blouse there, Willie.
- It's not really a blouse.

It's more of a
Renaissance period piece.

Where'd you get that,
from Lane Bryant?



- Si, this was a manly man.
- Thank you.

That look like a big
woman's blouse to me.

- What are you?
- I'm a woods elf.

Al, what are you wearing?

Well, I had an issue last year.

Godwin remembers.

It was, uh...

- We were eating our turkey legs, and...
- That's a cool story.

Yeah, so...

Where's Godwin?

Godwin, hurry up.

It's Burger King!

Godwin, you were
meant to live in that period.

That fits you perfectly.

- It's him.
- The king!

- Huzzah!
- For the king!

- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!

- Huzzah!
- What's up!

- Huzzah!
- What's up!

Is Si saying, "What's up"?

Huzzah!

What's up!

Good job, Burger King. Let's go.

We gotta get you some britches.

- Britches.
- Aw, crap.

Come on.

- You can't just wear the blouse.
- Huzzah!

- Huzzah!
- What's up!

Good grief.

I'm excited about the Ren fair.

It's gonna be fun to dress up.

Yeah, you wait
till you see this.

I don't see the big deal.

You wanna get him
a bird for his birthday?

My buddy set me up
with a local falconer,

and, I mean, his name
is Rusty Scarborough.

How cool is that?

- What's up? I'm Jep.
- Rusty.

- Hi. Jessica.
- Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.
Whoa! What a bird.

He is king of the falcons.

Which is one of my
highest aspirations.

And meeting Jean
Claude Van Damme.

- I just like saying "falcon."
- Yeah.

It's a cool word, if
you think about it.

- Right.
- Falcon.

This is a buzzard.

Really?

We were just finishing
up a little training session.

Jess, calm down.
It's gotta stretch.

You're safe.

So, if you had a burglar, and
say you had to choose between

a gun you had hid away,
or you could get her out,

sic her on him, which
would you choose?

Well, she wouldn't
sic on a human,

so it would have to
be the gun and me.

- It's so awesome.
- They're not dangerous to people.

- They only, uh...
- Just...!

They eat small animals, and
they have a natural fear of humans.

- Get him.
- No, um...

That is awesome.

So, basically, why
I called us out here

is my buddy is
having a birthday party.

We're having, like, a Ren fair.

Can I have him on my arm?

- Her. Her on my arm?
- Ugh.

Yeah, we can probably
make that happen.

It's so awesome.

- It's pretty awesome.
- So awesome.

The falcons would be what
would be in a Renaissance fair.

And I do have a falcon that
we can teach you how to handle.

That is awesome.

All right, we'll
get the falcon out.

Awesome.

- It's so awesome.
- Shut up.

Hello, m'ladies.

- Hey.
- Hello, m'lords and ladies.

You like this costume?

It's a cute blouse, but
I'm afraid you'll get it dirty.

It's not a blouse.

This is a men's shirt
from that time period.

- Konichiwa.
- Oh, good grief.

I didn't remember any ninjas
during the Renaissance period.

You're only thinking
European Renaissance.

We are Japanese Renaissance.

Are you a ninja?

No, I'm a samurai warrior.

- It's the Edo period.
- Edo?

"Edon't" matter what time of
period it is, you look like an idiot.

That's tough talk coming
from a man wearing a blouse.

I thought you said it was a
Renaissance man's costume.

Yeah, well, today it looks
like a blouse... m'lady.

All right. I'm no historian,
but I'm pretty sure

that my costume is
a good representation

of what a nobleman would have
worn during the Renaissance.

Hello.

Oh.

There's the Phantom
of the Opera showed up.

He's my Antonio
Banderas as Zorro.

Oh, good grief.

I'm pretty sure that Zorro
was a character on a TV show

that was set in
19th century Mexico.

You look like the Hamburglar.

And I'm pretty sure Mr. Miyagi
was a maintenance man,

at the apartment
complex in Reseda.

- Oh, boy.
- What is that?

- Uh! His Majesty!
- Hear, hear!

There he is.

Oh, BK Broiler!

He's actually pretty good.

This is gonna be good.

At some point, you gotta
let go of that chicken leg!

Who built this chair?

Here. Friar.

Jump! Jump!

- I'm trying to jump.
- Jump!

- Jump!
- Huzzah!

What's up!

- Jump!
- Hold on king.

Good job, Martin.

Hear ye hear ye,
lords and ladies,

and Zorros and wood
elves and samurais.

Godwin may be the one here
with the most Ren fair experience,

but I do know a thing or two about
the way people spoke at the time.

Make haste to gather round.

- Korie's getting into this.
- She is.

Literally, like,
one or two things.

Make haste.

But after all
Godwin's done for us,

the least I could do is
Google "Ren fair lingo."

And at least I'll look cooler
than the guy in the blouse.

We're here celebrating
King Godwin the Stouts,

and the year and
day of his birth.

Huzzah!

- Huzzah!
- What's up!

King Godwin has
requested a tournament.

He also ordered a pizza.

You don't have to
take that from him.

From the House
of Willie, Lord Willie.

And from the house
of Jason, Lord Jase.

From the House
of... Shogun Motioto?

That's close.

Al.

And last but
certainly not least...

- No, least.
- Yeah, definitely least.

From the House of Jeptha...

Where's Jep?

He said he had to pick
something up for the party.

He's scared.

What do we do?

- His oldest son...
- Oldest son.

- Takes his place.
- That's right.

- Perfect.
- That's Renaissance rules.

Well, that's an upgrade.

River!

River says, he's gonna
make love not war.

I hope River did not say that.

I'm not sure River's
up for the challenge.

- I'll do it.
- Ah.

Hang on now, she's...

Come join the
competition, young maiden.

Hear, hear!

Hear, hear!

Join us fair maiden.

Sadie, you sure about this?

I danced on national
TV, I think I got this.

Let the games begin!

All right, Let the games begin!

- Huzzah!
- Where do we start?

I don't even know
what we're playing,

but I'm gonna win.

We're not dancin' are we?

All right, let's get
this falcon out.

- In a black box.
- Black...

Everything good is
kept in black boxes.

Aw, wow.

Oh, it's so cute..

Oh, man.

As it turns out, a
peregrine falcon

is a little bit
smaller than a hawk.

This is a peregrine falcon.

This falcon was just born
right? It's like an infant?

No, this is like a three
or four year old falcon.

- Awesome.
- That's... cool.

Actually, a lot smaller.

This bird can strike a
duck at 230 miles an hour,

so it's historically had a
common name of the "duck hawk."

But given the choice
between an over-sized hawk

and a peregrine falcon, I'll
take the falcon all day long.

Do you also have a bald eagle?

- Yeah, we have a bald eagle.
- Can I personally...

- No.
- No?

- No.
- It's also my only choice.

What is his name?

Well, for our education birds,
we don't give them names.

- So, can I call him Morpheus?
- Hmm, let's not.

But I wanna be Neo,
and him be Morpheus.

- You can be Neo.
- I can be Neo?

- Yeah.
- That's awesome.

All right, so, we're
gonna try to...

The more still you can keep
that arm, the better it'll be.

- Come here, Morpheus.
- There you go.

We will hunt together, Morpheus.

- You and the Morpheus thing.
- We will conquer this world.

All right. You need to
take a video of me just...

Okay. All right, big boy.

- So, tell me when you're recording.
- Action.

Start over again.

- Oh my word.
- Just one more time.

Action.

It's just a normal afternoon
with me and my falcon.

- Are you gonna smile?
- No, I'm not smiling.

- I'm friggin' holding a falcon.
- You look constipated.

Me and Morpheus have bonded.

Like an Avatar, our
tails have joined together,

and we've become one.

That's actually
how they reproduce.

Yeah.

All right, look, you
wanna get a shot of us,

like, walking off together?

Hey, we don't have time. We
have to go. We have to get ready.

Fade to the sky.

- Okay, let's go.
- Look, one more thing.

Seriously?

I'm always hungry.

I can't believe that you
willingly have done this.

- I love it.
- How many times?

Three times.

That's three days in your
life you'll never get back.

That's three weekends.

It's a weekend?

Make way for the king!

Oh, there he is, His Majesty.

- You're eatin' my...
- No.

- Don't you eat that.
- I didn't.

- Why is the king so angry today?
- Maybe the ol' gout's settin' in.

All right, since a
true knight's worth

is shown by his ability
to use the weapon,

the first challenge
is the bow and arrow.

Huzzah!

Let the games begin.

Okay.

When I showed up at
Godwin's birthday party,

my first thought was when it
comes to the weapons competition...

Is this what they
used back then?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I'm fixin' to go
medieval on all of you.

Archer's ready.

Aim.

Fire.

Nice.

Bulls-eyed it.

But now, I'm faced
with the reality

that this is the equivalent
of a carnie booth.

Archers ready.

Aim.

Fire.

Whoa.

Whoa.

There's a dead squirrel
in the woods now.

We both went way over that way.

Sadie.

I've got a name for
them two. Vegetarians.

All right, the king will announce
the winner of this round.

House of Willie!

Huzzah!

I'm starting to think, since
he pays his salary, maybe...

Yeah, his name's on my check.

- Maybe I hit the target.
- Whelp.

But his arrow didn't even stick.

The king's decision is final.

Off to the dunking booth.

- To the dunking booth.
- The king has spoken.

Well, I know I can
win the dunking booth.

This ain't over.

Look, nobody's gonna
win this competition,

because all of you are terrible.

What's up?

For our next competition,
the royal dunking booth.

Korie, we got it,
we got balls already.

When I heard we were doin' a
Renaissance fair for Godwin's birthday,

I didn't expect it to
have a dunking booth.

On, player, to
the dunking booth.

I don't think little
Will expected it either.

He's just a kid.

Well, he oughta know
how to play the horn better.

Then again, what did he expect

when he volunteered
to be the court jester?

Oh, no.

Hey, Will, you gotta heckle 'em.

Get the crowd into it.

Um.

- Heckle.
- Do some hecklin' Will.

You throw like a girl.

All right, hold it,
I can't stand this.

- Hold up.
- Oh, good grief.

You want heckling? I'll
show you heckling, boy.

What's the woods elf doing?

Si, Will's not the
one that you heckle.

Right, just seeing if
he was paying attention.

Who's up next? The
Phantom of the Opera guy?

Are you talking to
me with this stuff?

- We got the ninja.
- Samurai warrior to you.

The big fat guy in a
red shirt, with a blouse.

I'm fixin' to fire one
at the woods elf.

Ooh, she's gettin' mad.

I don't know what's
more frustrating,

Si's terrible heckling...

You talkin' about
a bunch of clowns.

- Ouch.
- Incoming.

- Ah, hit, great.
- Rejected.

Or the fact that none of us can
hit a target from 20 feet away.

The puff ninja again. All right!

The Phantom of the Opery!

Maybe we'd be more accurate
if the target looked like Si's face.

Fancy pants dancer
there. Ball one.

The way I see it, Will's
gonna get wet... eventually.

But the sooner
we hit the target,

the sooner we get old
geriatric Robin Hood to shut up.

Hey, look, fat boy.
Get a little closer.

I don't want you
tearing something.

Oh!

Yes! Yes!

And the fool goes down.

I told you it was gonna
happen, this time.

House of Will is victorious!

Friar, leg me.

That's definitely not my job.

That is awesome.

Okay, take ten.

Action.

Did you get that?

Yeah, babe, I got it.

- You gotta try this.
- We gotta go babe.

- Come on.
- Hey, Rusty.

- Yeah.
- Could she try?

- Sure.
- You can be a falconette.

I don't think
that's a real thing.

- I got this.
- Okay, open your fingers up.

What a natural.

Look how calm
and collected he is.

What can I say.

He's just comfortable
as he can be.

- Well, I mean, I calmed him down.
- No.

So now, he's in a good place.

He looks like he's
really takin' a like to you.

Yeah.

He was kinda the same
with me too, we kinda bonded.

- Hmm, sure.
- Yeah.

Okay, now I'm
gonna get a picture.

We'll take one quick picture.

It better be a good one.

Got it.

- Profile pic.
- It's my profile pic.

Well, we can both have it.

- This my thing, not yours.
- Well, you can share it.

You're embarrassing
me in front of Rusty.

You're embarrassing
yourself in front of Rusty.

I'm not embarrassin' myself.
I'm having the best time of my life

'til you started takin'
over Morpheus.

You're the one that wanted
me to hold the falcon.

I just want you
to hold him, not...

Okay, I guess I'll give it back.

My husband's gettin'
mad and jealous.

Calm down lady hawk.

Go back to your master.

He doesn't even wanna
leave me. Did you see that?

Jess, you're letting
falconry go to your head.

- You have to keep a good
even - It's really for Godwin.

You've made this all
about you, it's really selfish.

I just wanna look cool walkin'
in there with a falcon on my arm.

For Godwin.

Come on, let's go.

You just took my dreams
and stomped on 'em.

Jep.

This is cool.

Leg me!

Okay fair maidens and merry men,
we are down to our final challenge.

We have had the
battle of weapons,

which was won by
the House of Willie

and we have also
had the dunking booth,

which was also won
by the House of Willie.

Good job, babe.

So, it's pretty much over,

'cause there's no way
anyone can beat me.

But the battle of wits
is worth three points.

What? What kind
of bull crap is that?

- You better win this one, babe.
- I'll participate, but under protest.

Martin, proceed
with the questions.

- Proceed.
- Alright.

- This is like trivia?
- Yeah.

I have a heart that never beats.

Oh, crap.

I have a home but never sleep.

Riddles aren't my bangzo.

I can take a man's
house and build another's

and I love to play games,
with my many brothers.

A seedless watermelon!

Easy wood elf,
you're not in this.

- Hey, that's the answer though.
- No.

I am a king among
fools, who am I?

Hey, you know, I think
I'm gonna quit on this one.

Last time I did a word problem
with y'all, it took all day so...

- Wait a minute.
- I'm out, good luck.

Hey, but Jep would never quit.

- It's been fun.
- Yes, he would.

- Of course he would.
- She gone.

Is it a large oak tree?

In what way can a
tree play a game?

Well, they drop the
leaves, they shake.

For most of my life,
I've been a C-plus man,

in some circles that
wouldn't be something

you'd necessarily be proud of.

I stand by my answer.

The answer's not a
tree, so keep guessing.

- It's not a tree?
- A dead cow.

What?

But as I'm watching
the battle of the wits,

it made me proud to be C-plus.

- What about an artichoke?
- What about an anchovy?

Does an anchovy have a heart?

Very proud.

New York City.

Does a city have a brother?

- Yeah, New Jersey.
- No.

- That's a state, Si.
- The answer to the question...

The king of hearts
in a deck of cards.

Is a falcon.

That is not correct.

What are you supposed to be?

Jepthra, father of falcons.

That's dumb.

Well you're dumb,
you got ruffles.

That look like a parrot.

- No, Willie looks like a parrot.
- Does he talk?

If I sent him on you, he
would take out your eyes.

No, not at all.

They have a natural
fear of humans.

Wow, that is the most
awesomest thing I've seen today.

His name is Morpheus.

- No.
- Morpheus.

- We don't give them names.
- We talked about this.

- Morpheus?
- Morpheus.

No, it's a peregrine falcon.

- Morpheus.
- No.

Rusty.

King Godwin, I present
you a display in falconry.

I never woulda
thought I'd see that.

I'm giving you a
display of falconry.

Let's see it.

I just did, that was it.

Does he do anything, or does
he just sit there on your arm?

They just sit there.

Well, I just started, the first rule
of falconry is know your limits.

No, it's make sure
the bird's comfortable.

- That's debatable.
- Not at all.

At least make the bird do something.
Outside that, you just holdin' a bird.

- What's his name?
- Jepthra?

Jepthra, father of falcons.

Jepthra, come over here.

Very kingly there.

- Yes, your grace.
- King toad frog.

Get down on one knee.

I knight thee, Sir Jepthra,
winner of the tournament.

What?

All he did was miss the
whole show and bring a bird.

Look at that thing though,
that thing is awesome.

That was much
to do about nothin'.

- The king declares a feast.
- Seriously?

Get the king another turkey leg.

Father, bless our meal,

bless our family,
Father, bless our country.

Be our God this day and forever.

Jesus Christ our Lord, amen.

Amen.

Being the king ain't
as easy as it looks.

Sure there are plenty of perks,

but it also comes with
a lot of responsibility.

We may have come a long
way since the middle ages,

but the basic
traits of a good king

will always be compassion,
wisdom and a strong heart.

And while Godwin
may not have exhibited

all those qualities today,
he did decide to feed us

before we brought
out the pitchforks.

And that's a win in my book.

To the king!

To the king!

What's up?