Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 9, Episode 4 - Drone Survivor - full transcript

Boy is it slow.

I ain't laid my eyeballs on
a duck in the last two hours.

- Jep.
- I'm sorry.

Number one, you should never
have a cell phone in a blind.

- Well.
- What're you doing?

I'm reading about how to do
A-O-E-D-P-S on my own priest.

On your what?

- It's my character on a game.
- And they call it a priest?

- A priest.
- That seems kind of sacrilegious to me.

Look, I love huntin'
with my family.

But when it's kind of slow,
they can get pretty annoying.



He doesn't even have his
gun. It's down here by me.

Jep, that's embarrassing.

You all ain't killin' nothing'.

They all start playing
the blame game

about why the ducks
aren't coming in.

That's why they ain't
comin' in, all that racket.

You're violating a
number of rules here, Jep.

Sometimes ducks
just ain't flyin', dudes.

- What you playing?
- I'm not playing anything.

I'm just reading about
a game that I play.

Wouldn't it be more
funner to play it?

Well, you gotta learn
stuff as you play it.

Jep, you need to get a life son.

And sometimes I just want to
catch up on World of Warcraft



without anybody
gettin' on my case.

I can tell you what
the problem is,

besides Jep being on
his phone in bizarro land.

Um...

Problem is, we need
a roof on the blind.

- Okay, here we go, boys.
- Okay...

I just think that you
would shoot more ducks

if the ducks didn't see you.

Trust me, puttin'
a roof on the blind,

it makes no difference.

Here's the deal.

Me and my dad have had
a disagreement for years.

I think we need to put
roofs on our duck blinds.

- Give it up, Jase.
- He disagrees.

We would shoot ten
times more ducks.

You're wrong.

The thing is, when my dad
thinks he knows something,

it is nearly impossible
to change his mind.

When ducks come
over, you go like this.

And get close to the
brush in front of you.

And through the years,
we have slaughtered ducks.

The last time I remember my
dad admitting he was wrong,

was right before
he was baptized.

What we need is
a bird's eye view

'cause these guys
are delusional.

Why don't you just get a drone?

- The things that drop bombs?
- No!

You just fly it over, it
has a 1080p camera on it

and you would see
what a duck sees

and then you would
know what you look like.

Where would you get a drone?
The Department of Defense?

Actually, I just bought one.

- Just then?
- Just then.

On your phone?

Yeah, it doesn't seem
so stupid now, does it?

- No, it still seems stupid.
- Here's the plan.

We get the drone. We send
it over the top of the blind.

If the drone can
see human beings,

I win and we build a
roof. If it can't, you win.

Hey, it's your money.

It's actually my money, dad.

Hey, what's the difference?

The other night, I broke
open that king cake.

First bite, I chomped
down on the baby. First bite.

Not only did I almost
die and chip my tooth...

- But you gotta buy the next one.
- Yeah.

Well, y'all lucky. I ain't never
found a baby in a king cake.

Oh, you 'bout probably found it,
you just swallowed it and inhaled it.

Yeah.

Well, I hear ol' Jep. He's
got a grin on his face.

I got it boys.

Dude, how awesome is this?

- Now, that's pretty cool.
- Dude.

So, Jep, how much did you
pay for your little toy there?

Dad, this isn't a toy.

It's a state of the art quad-copter,
1080p video, gambit control.

- This has got it all.
- How much did you pay for it?

Look at the remote
for this thing.

To me, technology is scary.

- So that's what we're down to?
- Oh, yeah.

There will be a time
where you can fly this

- to go get you some chips.
- Seriously?

You know, the
government tracking people

and chips put in this
and that and the other.

They tell me they'll make
these the size of honeybees.

Huh?

You know, the government spying
on people. They got, like, a honeybee.

It's just like that but
it's just a little bitty thing.

Like a honeybee.

Give it another 50
years, the way it's going,

and every fly you see on
the wall is suspect at best.

Pretty sure that's illegal.

Illegal?

Is it the FBI, is it the
CIA or is it a house fly?

Well, I'm going to
get away from it.

That's where we're headed.

Forget all that.

Y'all get in the blind,
act like you're huntin'.

If we can easily see y'all,
Operation Roof on the Blinds begins.

- All right, let's try it.
- You ready?

Fire it up.

What started off as an argument

about whether our
blinds need roofs

has turned into a quest
to prove Phil wrong.

Whoa, get her on!

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, my goodness.

Now what?

The chance to prove my dad
wrong comes around about as often

as a successful Willie diet.

Shorty, get low, low, low.

- Jep, you're making me nervous.
- You want a shave and a haircut?

- Jep, I ain't playin' son.
- You want a shave?

I just wish that Jep had a
clue of what we're on to here.

- Oh, 360.
- Jep!

Quit playin' around
and send it up.

Are you not seeing this?
That's a 1080 right there.

But this is the
family I'm dealt.

Jep, go higher.

It's fine, I'm gonna
get it up there.

Yo!

Here it comes.

Where's that thing going?

- Where you going?
- That way, go.

That thing's going out of sight.

- It's gone.
- Wait.

Oh, shoot.

Oh, crap.

I lost signal.

- Where'd it go?
- We lost it.

But I know one thing.

What comes up...

I wonder if it's got
a parachute on it.

What comes up...

- Let's go track it.
- Yeah, we gotta find it.

Oh, we gotta find it.
It's got my evidence.

Objection your honor.

Good grief.

- What kind of D.A. would do that?
- Overruled.

Hey, that ain't Law & Order.

Si, we don't have
time to watch the show.

- Hey, get out of the way.
- Si, let's go.

Hey, sit down, there ain't
somethin' but 30 minutes left.

My Uncle Si's been
out of commission lately

because he tweaked his back.

So, today I'm taking
him to the chiropractor

so he can get back to work.

- The show's over.
- What are you doing?

All right, let's go.

Now, you may think
it's weird to make your

67-year-old uncle
go back to work,

especially since Si doesn't
really do anything anyway,

but he's still on the payroll
and he refuses to retire.

This ain't no Hangtown omelet.

So I ain't gonna pay him just to
sit around and stay home all day.

This smells like a Denver to me.

Also, that omelet? That's
coming out of his paycheck.

- Si, let's go.
- Oh, before we hit the road,

I need you to empty
Sweet Pea's litter, litter box.

I'm not doing that.

You can do it after
your back gets fixed.

Hey, he's gonna have to
use it today and he won't do it.

If it's dirty, he
will not do it.

He'll crap in the
middle of the floor.

Si, I'm not touching cat crap.

Scoop it out and then we'll go.

I'd do it, but hey, my back.

All right, I'm gonna do it only because
this whole house smells like crap.

He needs to go on a diet.

All right, where's the
scoop for this thing?

Hey, it should be laying
there right beside it.

There's nothing laying
there other than 50 cat turds.

Well, get one out
of the dishwasher.

You have a scoop
in the dishwasher?

No, but, hey, get a
big spoon out of there.

A spoon that you eat with?

Yeah, a dishwasher
is, like, 200 degrees.

That kills anything.

Oh my, I'm gonna hurt
my back doing this crap.

What are you doing over there?

Done, let's go.

God, that's nasty.

That ain't nasty.

Where we goin'?

Two-hundred and 70
degrees north by south, wait...

- Huh? North by south?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Southwest.

Normally, this would be the
time that I would leave Jep

to his own devices.
Pun intended.

We got about a hundred and
three meters and we'll be there.

How far is that?

I don't know, how many
yards is in a meter?

However, if we don't
find that footage,

I may never get
another opportunity

to potentially prove
my dad wrong.

- This is gonna take us right there.
- How sure are you?

- I am, I would say 7.8.
- 7.8?

- Better than half.
- That's a decent score in diving.

I will get this footage.

I don't care if we
have to go to NASA.

Not NASA. Where
would we go, uh...

Jep, you're making me nervous.

Now, I got a lot riding on this.

No, we're going to find
Melissa with this thing.

- You named it "Melissa"?
- Yes.

You spend over a thousand
dollars on something,

you get to name it and
I named her Melissa.

Melissa is my wife's name.

I thought her name was Missy.

Melissa Louis Robertson.

I named my hot tub Bubbles.

Eighty-eight jets, baby.

All right, I got a signal
boys. Hang a left.

- I named my dog Todd.
- That dog was not a thousand dollars.

My back is killing me.

Hey, how are you doing today?

- Don't let him use that.
- Hey, that's a good bell.

We're here for an
appointment for Si Robertson.

All right, if y'all would,
y'all can just have a seat

in that first room right there.

Do I need to take
my clothes off now?

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Hey, look.

I've got to be naked
for them to examine me.

Si, let the doctor tell
you what you're gonna do.

I wonder what this
guy did for a living.

- Si, that's not a real spine.
- What do you mean? Yeah it is.

The medical profession
calls them "cadavers."

Si, quit messin'
with stuff. Si, look...

- Hey...
- Was this piece...

- Good grief.
- Hey, Si, I'm Dr. Mayfield.

- Hey, hi.
- Willie.

Doc, how you doin', man?

Good, did you break
my spine, man?

No, we were just,
something was wrong with it.

I'll get it fixed up
here in a second.

Okay, no problem.

I've got some x-rays
to go over and show ya.

We're gonna put these up here.

Now, I know it
looks a little weird.

I don't know if you've
seen that before.

It looks like a jack-o'-lantern.

- So one of the discs right down here...
- It looks like a drunk cut it out.

Okay.

For a medical practitioner,

who isn't a psychiatrist
or a psychologist,

I'd say Dr. Mayfield is
handling Si's barrage

of insanity pretty well.

Can you kind of
describe your pain?

It's itchy, moist, mushy pain.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Okay.

Most people would've just tucked
tail and ran out of the room by now.

- But Dr. "Okay"...
- Okay.

Seems like he's a
pretty good listener.

What happened that
might've caused some of this?

I done this in my sleep.

- Okay.
- Okay, I was fightin' 25 ninjas.

- Twenty-five ninjas?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Either that or "okay" is code for,

"I stopped listening
about five minutes ago."

The good news is, we
can help you with this.

We'll get you over to
an exam room here.

That's where I take
my clothes off, right?

Oh, my gosh, Si.

We're good on there. We
don't need you naked, okay?

Okay.

All right, boys, so
we're getting warm.

All I've seen is
beer cans and tires.

- GPS says it's right here.
- It ain't here.

- Unless it buried in the ground.
- Right there.

You know, if it
came from a height,

I've shot ducks so high
that when they hit the ground,

they embed in the actual ground.

- Or in that tree.
- No, he's got a point.

Right there.

Oh!

- That thing was right.
- Yes!

- Now, how do we get it?
- Well?

Hold it right there
and I'll get my boot.

- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna throw my boot at it.

No, don't throw your boot.

- Why not?
- 'Cause you're gonna break it.

Look, I'm glad my family's
here today helping me.

But they don't have
exactly the best history

with helping me out with things.

She's hurt. We gotta
ease her down gently.

- Well, here, hit it with this.
- No, no hittin'.

When I was 10, they
helped me go fishing.

No, no shaking.

Ended up with a
fish hook in my calf.

Which my dad
took out with pliars.

Why don't we just get our
guns and shoot the branch?

No.

It's like all of their ideas are
from Wile E. Coyote cartoons.

Throw it down and let it
go, maybe it'll sling shot it.

No, no sling shot.

So you can see where
I'm kind of worried

about taking their help.

I tell you what we do.

We go get a ladder...

- We'll have to leave somebody here.
- I ain't stayin'.

I ain't stayin' out
here, are you kiddin'?

I'm lost. I don't even
know where we're at.

We're in a tight spot.

What if you get on
Godwin's shoulders?

Yeah, that'll give
you about two foot.

What if we put Godwin
on your shoulders?

What if we took some vines...

What do you think
I'm built out of?

- All right.
- Yeah.

Look, I'm gonna
go into attack mode.

I'm gonna get like a squirrel
and I'm gonna shimmy up this tree.

Risking life and limb
for my little brother's toy

is really not something
I'm into doing.

- Jep.
- All right.

We don't need anything
to happen to that footage.

All right.

If it falls out, just
sacrifice yourself.

Um...

However, climbing this
tree to prove my dad wrong

is something I'm gonna go for.

- You're like a leopard.
- Watch him lean.

Look, it's already going down.

- Come on, you got this.
- Come on.

I can't imagine anything
better than hearing my dad say,

"Jase, I was wrong."

- Hold on, hold on.
- Hey, I'm doing the splits here.

Just a little further.

Even if I have to
break my leg to hear it.

- Keep going.
- I got it.

- Keep going.
- There we go.

- I got it.
- You got it?

We got it, got it, got
it, got it, got it, got it.

Whoa.

- One...
- Hold on.

- Two...
- Whoa.

Three, that's all of it.

You want to go
look at the footage?

Yeah.

Old Si and Phil, they
gonna be put to shame.

Okay, what I need you to do
then is come and go face down

for me on the table, Si.

And we're gonna get you
adjusted here, all right?

All right, doc, let me tell you.

The last time I went
crappie fishing I caught

a pound and a half
crappie and broke two ribs.

You're gonna have to be gentle.

Okay, what I'm gonna do now,

if you just relax and
the more you relax,

the easier this is
on both of us, okay?

Okay.

And what I'm gonna have
you do is kind of scoot down

just a little bit for me.

And I'm gonna...

Good grief.

Hey, look, I came up
here to get fixed, okay?

Not to be snapped in
half and then laughed at

by fat man Willie
Robertson there.

We'll do that one
more time right there.

He's laughing now,
but hey, one day,

he's gonna get
old just like I am.

Now this is the one that kind of

scares people sometimes
but you got to relax.

Oh!

And look, he's carrying about an
extra hundo in pounds there, buddy.

Oh, golly!

- One more.
- Whoa!

You think I've got
a bad hunchback,

he's fixin' to look like
an upside down fishhook.

Wow, okay. Doc, I feel
like a new man here.

Well, great, I thought
we could help you out.

Actually, my back's been
hurtin', too. It's real stiff.

That's not unusual in a
middle-age man or anything, Willie.

- "Middle-age man"?
- Yeah, you're gettin' old.

- Middle-age, you're getting old.
- No, my back it's just kind of stiff.

- Stiff?
- I probably hurt it in the gym.

And it's in the lower back?

- Yep.
- Okay.

I think I got something
that might help you with that.

I'm down for a try.

Well, get on over here
and get you hooked up.

- Does he get to take his clothes off?
- No, Si.

All right, so what
are we doing here?

So we're going to tilt you
back and that's gonna help

decompress your lower back and
give you some relief down there.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Let me make sure we
got you locked in good.

All right.

I'm gonna let you
go slowly back.

- All right.
- You ready?

- Ow!
- All right, all right, hang on.

All right, Willie.

I'm gonna come back and check
on you in a few minutes, okay?

- Okay.
- All right.

Oh!

All right, Will, here's
the choices you got

for what you want
me to read to you.

We got 20 golf tips
or a flyer on osmosis.

What do you choose?

Uh...

Golf tip it is, all right.

And look, you know
who this is about?

- Jimmy Fallon.
- Oh.

Doc? Doc?

All right, we're possibly
changing the future

of duck hunting as we know it.

- Are you excited?
- Just roll the tape, son, crap.

The video you are about to
watch was shot from Jep's drone.

The drone formerly
known as Melissa.

What?

You named it after me?

No, "Sweet Melissa." It's
an Allman Brothers song.

Wasn't "Jessica" an
Allman Brothers song, too?

Almost ready.

So, what exactly
are we looking for?

- We took Jep's toy.
- It's not a toy.

And we filmed a bird's eye view.

So what everyone
gets to do is to be a jury.

And if the human
beings are that noticeable,

then we need a roof.

We're at a pivotal moment
in our family's history.

I perhaps have garnered evidence

that can make my dad say,
"Yeah, I was wrong on that."

Now, Phil, you can state your
argument on blinds with roofs.

- Don't need them.
- That's Phil's position.

Two to one.

Maybe once a decade
does somebody in my family

look around and say,

"Huh. I guess I
was wrong on that."

I just think you're gonna
do better if you have a roof.

'Cause I know this
about my family.

They're passionate and stubborn.
Even when they're clearly wrong.

'Cause look, some
people that we hunt with,

I'm not gonna mention any names,

some people actually
feel like they're invisible.

I am invisible. This
is a stupid exercise.

- What's gotten into him?
- He's got his back fixed.

- He's a new man.
- Sure they're gonna see you!

They're up in the air above you!

Take your natural glycerin
tablet and calm down.

Which is why I brought my own
set of impartial jurors to back me up.

Okay, we have action.

So the duck is making a circle.
So far, no visible human beings.

- He's lookin', he's circling.
- There he goes.

He says, "I'm gonna
go in right there."

- There's the decoys.
- There's the decoys.

- No visible human beings.
- Nope.

- No visible human beings.
- Nope, nope.

- And look.
- Can't see us.

Whoa, now, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hello.

- Look at that.
- Hmm.

- Well?
- Huh.

What do you think?

Yes!

Well, I know I have some strong
opinions, no doubt about that.

However, I must say that
I do know when I'm licked.

Si, you have to admit, I didn't
know we stood out like that.

Good grief, that's the first
time I've been sincerely

mistaken in 50 years.

And all because of the drone.

Good night, that's a
double whammy there.

Look at Godwin. You know
what it's seeing more than anything

is the top of your head.

I think the jury's fixin'
to come in on this

and, Si, it don't look good.

It look like to me we got a big
roofin' operation after seeing that.

But the next question is,

who's the poor soul
that's going to end up

building the 70 roofs?

Me? I doubt it.

All in favor of a roof?

- Raise your hand.
- They won me over.

Si, you're in?

Yeah, the jury's already out
and come back in and voted guilty.

As the winner, though,
I do recommend now

we think about it while we eat.

- I'm in.
- Good call.

Do you smell that fried chicken?

All right, everybody bow.

Thank you, Father,
for the one you sent.

You have given us peace of mind

and a deep love for one another.

Through Jesus I pray, Amen.

Amen.

As you get older, it's easy
to get set in your ways.

Especially for a family as
stubborn as the Robertsons.

You may have certain opinions
that you've had for years,

but while getting older
may make you wiser,

it doesn't always
make you right.

The truth is, sometimes you
may need your opinion adjusted,

or your back adjusted.

And even though it's
not always pleasant,

that's what family is there for.

To help you get
that quick adjustment

that will change
your perspective

and even make you
feel years younger.

Maybe too many years younger.

Si, you shouldn't
be lifting that.

Ooh, no, I'm a new man. Ah, oh.