Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 9, Episode 3 - Ball in the Family - full transcript

Out!

I didn't really know
adults did this.

Jep, you're terrible.

I knew like kids and
teenagers did it, but...

This is the oldest
form of competition.

Yeah, I don't think it's
meant for older people though.

Take an object,
throw it at somebody

and they try to
get out of the way.

I mean they got shirts
made up and everything.

"Ball Blart, Ball Cop."

- That's not bad.
- No, that's dumb.



"Your Mom and
Them" is pretty cool.

I don't know what that means.

You don't know what it means?

Your mom and them?

Like your mom and
them going to the mall.

You're talkin' about
your mom and them.

Where's your mom and them?

It's like your mamma
jokes, you know.

That's not what your
mom and them says.

Your mamma jokes, that's it?

Where are your mom and them,

like the crew that
your mom rolls with,

like your mamma's
entourage, kind of.

- Yeah.
- OK.



Let's go "Your Mom and Them!"
We talkin' bout your mom and them.

Normally, I would be makin' fun at
Jep for joining a dodgeball league...

You're playin' like
your mom and them.

Oh, shoot, heads up, hey.

But I gotta tell you,
when we were kids

we played various
forms of the same game.

We played dodge rock.

- What?
- That was a fun game.

Remember when you hit that
guy on the back of the head?

We disappeared
like a fart in the wind.

That's the ultimate
form of competition,

you're good at it or, you're
headed to the emergency room.

Winner, "Your Mom and Them!"

- What's up!
- Wow, good job, good job, Jess.

- Good game.
- Thank you.

- I didn't know adults did that.
- You didn't?

I didn't, I thought it
was just a kid-game.

Oh my goodness.

What is going on
with the duck boys?

Why am I not surprised?

What happened did the
flute factory fall apart?

What happened they
only had medium shirts?

You're lookin' at the
state-wide champion, thank you.

Sixty-four pair assists. What?

You missed an "I" there.

"McMillan's Villians..."

It's a play on words.

- What?
- Yeah.

Speaking of playin', you all
playin' with these two girls?

Your mom and
them plays with girls.

Matter of fact, we just
saw your mom and them

at the Duck Diner,

since I been eatin'
there free for a year.

I mean you can tip still.

Hey, it's all free.

Me and Phillip McMillan
have a long standing rivalry.

Kinda like Ali and
Frazier if they were older,

hairier and really outta shape.

Well, you all may wanna
put a team together.

We'll play you.

I don't know if you guys
are in shape to play, I mean,

Willie's not very good at
dodging biscuits, gravy...

That's very true.

No, he's not good at dodgin'.

You might get hurt if you keep
runnin' your mouth like that.

Your mom and them.

Old McMillan and I have
competed against each other

in a lawn mower
race, which I won.

An outhouse race, which he won.

Now he wants to play dodgeball.

I think this rivalry thing
has just gone way too far.

This is just childish.

Missy, you don't have to play,

we're not gonna make
you wash your makeup off

and come out there
and break a nail.

Really?

Speakin' of chipped a
nail, you chipped a nail.

Chuck!

It may not be the coolest game,

but the thought of gettin' to throw
stuff at Phil, it's kinda exciting.

We'll meet y'all on the court.

- That's his hardest throw, right there.
- Your mom and them.

- Oh!
- Phil, I'm in.

- That's gonna cost ya.
- Oh, my gosh, we got some work.

- Catch you up in two days.
- Two days.

There's a state
championship for dodgeball?

No, he's full of crap.

Whoa!

Do you have any 10's?

Nope, go fish.

You got any aces?

I'm not playin' with you
if you keep doin' this.

You need to work on
your poker face, okay?

Oh, what a sweet kitty.

Oh, that cat's been
acting weird lately.

- Really?
- Yeah, he's stayin' out all hours

and look, he come
back the other day

and he had spaghetti
all over his face.

Well, he found some
spaghetti, who cares.

My dogs go out and
find stuff too, to eat.

He's got a home, he don't need
to be goin' out to another one.

Me and Sweet Pea, hey look,
we're like two peas in a pod.

We both like you
know, take naps, okay,

we both like fried croppy...

and then we both land on our
feet if you drop us off of the roof.

Maybe it's like
Lady and the Tramp?

I ain't gonna put up
with no hanky-panky.

And they're goin' to a little alley
and there's an Italian restaurant.

Oh, yeah, I bet there is.

Look, but lately my nappin' buddy
has turned into a two-timin' heifer on me.

Purring like he's met
the love of his life.

Have you ever thought
about following Sweet Pea

and see where he goes?

You want me to stalk my
cat, is what you're sayin'?

That's right, pet detective.

Like Jesse Ventura?

I think it was Ace Ventura.

Oh, Jesse Ventura was a
mayor of some California town.

He was a wrestler.

Well, hey, all I know is he
got killed by the Predator.

- That is weird.
- It is weird.

So where'd Sweet Pea go?

Hey, no need for Jesse Ventura,

I got Sweet Pea under
house arrest, okay?

And I'll probably put a
chain and ball on him fore...

- Si...
- What?

That door is open.

God, I left it open.

Good grief.

Si, you better follow him
and see where he's goin'.

He's livin' a double life on me.

Well, do you want me to
call Phil? He's a tracker.

No, Phil don't even like cats.

I know the perfect person, he's
a tracker and a noted Republican.

All right, these'll
be the practice balls.

I don't think you
practice dodgeball,

you throw the ball and
you dodge the ball, right?

No, you gotta practice.

What are we practicin'?

We're gonna throw
at the targets, okay?

There's not gonna be seven
people all piled in, in a five foot area...

Aim at a target
and hit the target.

Nobody is standing still...

Let's go, hit.

They could huddle up,
that's the way they did...

This is where you start.

- No they didn't...
- Huddle up, you spread out?

I mean they were spread out.

In any kind of warfare,
sometimes they will huddle up.

- Let's hit.
- Iron phalanx. What's it called?

Iron phalanx.

You don't want to huddle
up, that's a terrible idea.

It's a terrible idea.

All right, let's
go, hit the targets.

Whoops.

That's terrible.

We got a big dodgeball
match coming up

that will settle this rivalry with
Phil McMillan once and for all.

So I want our team to
be in tip-top condition.

- Ah, that's terrible, terrible.
- Whoo!

Terrible, terrible.

Compliments are for losers.

That's why I'm choosing
to motivate them

through negative reinforcement.

- Yes.
- I was distracted.

Work on your form.

- My hands were sweaty.
- Let's go, you're out.

Focus!

If you want your team to
win, you need to let them know

all the things
they're doin' wrong.

- I'm much better in a game.
- Yeah.

I'm better at dodgin'.

And right now, that's
pretty much everything.

- You all are horrible.
- Fire at will.

Who's pathetic now?

Who's pathetic now?

- Butt shot!
- You got a spleen shot on me.

This is opening rush.

It's the most important
drill you can do, right here.

Important drill.

- Opening rush.
- Rush is a really big deal.

- It's a really big deal.
- A really huge deal.

- Big deal.
- If you don't start off good...

This is where the game starts.

In the opening rush
you lose the game.

- The most important part.
- You can't teach speed.

Yeah, but there's...

There's a technique
to gettin' the ball.

There's a technique
to it, I'm gettin' there.

- First team who gets there...
- They got the advantage.

They got the advantage.

You all are makin' this
way too complicated.

Jep, bring the stopwatch.

It's kinda my drill, I
mean I laid the balls out.

- I'm the team captain.
- Why are you the captain?

- You don't play dodgeball.
- I think Jep should.

I played dodgeball
when I was little.

Here's the problem,
Willie's the CEO,

and he thinks that makes him
qualified to be a dodgeball coach.

- I set this whole thing up.
- Jep, just give it up.

He has the worst body
type imaginable for this sport.

Prove you can dodge a dump truck

before you try to teach
anything about dodging a ball.

Why don't you show
us what you can do?

I'm saving myself.

On second thought,

that would probably be the end of
your coaching career, the dump truck.

You're gonna see
warrior skills tomorrow.

Oh, please.

You're gonna be calling
me, Game Time Willy.

I think we should
have nicknames.

I already have a nickname.

- What's yours?
- Dinja, dodgeball ninja.

- I wanna be like, Firecracker.
- I'm the Grenade.

Cause when you
go to the bathroom...

It's cause when I throw it,
it's gonna destroy something.

Stand in front and just
take one for the team.

That's not a grenade,
that's a landmine, that's you.

It's sneaky, it's
hidden, you don't see it.

It's dirty.

What do y'all think
about me, I don't know.

- The Paint Bandit.
- How bout just Bandit?

- I like Pink Panther.
- I like the Pink Squirrel.

Why are we on pink, just
cause I'm wearing it today?

I should call everybody
the color of their shirt?

What are you, babe?

I think I'm gonna be...

Coming up with cool
and clever nicknames,

it's not for everybody, some
people have it and some don't.

And Jase, he definitely
does not have it.

Hyper Jase, cause I'll
put you into hyper space.

- Okay.
- Hyper Jase.

Jase is a classic over-thinker.

That's why he comes
up with stinkers like,

Jase the Trace Missile.

No one's ever gonna call
you that, that's four words.

Everything that
comes out of his mouth

is stripped of swag, swag-less.

Jase the Human Shield.

How bout the nickname Dumb?

It's nothin' to be ashamed
of, but it is a bit embarrassing,

even for Jase's standards.

All right, since you all had
a little fun with me earlier

I've decided that to make
this even more of a rush.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

First we're gonna do a
little catching game, okay?

- Catch it, oh!
- Oh, my goodness!

Oh shoot, I almost had that.

Okay, I think we're
done, I'm outta here.

If you all play like that your
nickname's gonna be Crappy.

I don't know where that cat is.

Ain't no tellin'
where that idiot's at.

Goodness, what's
Mountain Man doin' here?

- That's who I called, Kay.
- I hope that's not a mistake.

Hey, what seems to
be the problem here?

Well, Mountain Man,
it's a case of infidelity.

He's went off with
another woman.

- Infidelity?
- He's got a girlfriend.

What about Christine?

No, Mountain Man, you
don't understand it, okay?

- It's about my cat...
- Name's Sweet Pea...

That's right, he
won't stay at home.

Okay, well let me
take a look around here

- and see what I can see.
- He's one tricky cat now,

I'm tellin' you, you
better bring your A game.

He left the door open.

- You left the door open?
- Well, hey, look.

Was you tryin' to
get rid of the cat?

- No, I ain't tryin' to get rid of him.
- He's just gettin' old.

I forgot him when I
tried to do something.

Okay, well he's somewhere
around here, I'd imagine.

- Wow.
- Mm-hm.

Look, Mountain Man, he's
like a red-neck pocket knife.

He's good for all sorts of jobs.

He's also old, rusty
and dull as a two-by-four.

Smells like a cat.

But, you could call
him an idiot travant

cause he's got
trackin' abilities.

Hey, I just like to call
him Mountain Man though.

Looks like he's
headed that way, too.

Should we take
a picture of that?

Mountain Man on his knees?

- No, I don't think so.
- No, of that track and make sure.

I can't see no track, Kay.

Well, they're headed that
way and they smell fresh.

They're goin' straight
down that way.

They headed that way
and they smell fresh, Kay.

- Did you get that, they smell fresh?
- Right down through here.

- Mm-hm, he goin' through here.
- This is like Scooby Doo.

Yeah, this is like
Scooby Doo, alright.

- Go ahead there, Shaggy.
- Mm-hm.

Jase.

- What?
- My ankle is hurting.

- What, from yesterday?
- My ankle's hurtin'.

I mean as much
as I want to do this...

You just don't want
to do it, do you?

Why don't I bail and
let Cole come in?

- Fine, all right.
- Okay, really?

Yeah.

Well, you look fine now.

All right, Missy's out.

- What?
- What's wrong?

- Sweet!
- The good news is we got Cole.

All right, you wanna
do some stretchin'?

- We been stretchin'.
- He stretches forever.

Uh, we gotta burst a ball, here.

So, let's work
on the hips, hips.

- That looks inappropriate.
- Really?

It's kinda embarrassing.

I'm just stretch...
Everybody stretches.

Look, I love my husband

and I support him in
anything he decides to do,

but he is takin' this
stretching thing way too far.

He's puttin' that
ball to the test.

What are you doin?

Stretching my knees.

Lewd acts.

I mean I know he's
tryin' to make sure

he doesn't injure
himself while playing.

So I'm happy he's stretching,

but I'm concerned he's gonna
hurt himself while stretching.

That was a good
stretch right there.

And that would be
really embarrassing.

- Well, well, well.
- McMillan's Villans.

And here they are.

What are you doin,
what'd that ball do to you?

- What'd you got a deal with Tom Brady?
- I'm stretchin' son.

- I've never stretched in my life.
- You're stretchin' that shirt out.

This is what we're supposed
to wear when you play D-ball.

All right.

Do you all need to stretch?

Brother, I don't know if I'm gonna be
able to make it to service on Sunday,

so can you put this
in the plate for me?

- I see that.
- Let's keep it fair.

He's a preacher, he can't cheat.

Keep it fair, he's
just gonna keep it fair.

Why don't you go stretch?

Five minutes, you all ready?

- Did you tip the ref?
- No, I didn't tip the ref.

- Well.
- What's he gonna do?

This is the most useless
referee job you could ever have.

I heard that.

Good grief, Sweet Pea?

Hey, get back here.

You two-timin' rascal.

Si, I feel like I'm on
a wild goose chase.

Except I don't see any geese
or goose's around here, Kay.

- Well, a wild cat chase then.
- Well, hey.

- Mountain Man, what are you doing?
- I think she's in there.

- Hey, it's not a she, it's a he.
- Okay.

Put those binoculars
away, you're being a creep.

Haven't you heard
about the castle rule?

That's his castle, he's
got a right to shoot you.

All right, all right.

I've had it with the cat,
come on, let's go in the house.

I've had all I can stand
of this lost cat for one day.

Come on, Shaggy.

Hey look, I can't believe
I've wasted three hours

lookin' for that stupid cat.

Hey, there she is.

That is a he.

Okay.

Where'd you get this toy?

Look, this is the perfect example
that felines are just like women.

Well, I'm glad you been
havin' fun, you big, fat rascal.

Don't upset him, you're gonna
make him fall off that whole thing.

He's fixin' to fall
off, I hope he does.

Then we'll...

They put you through
a whole bunch of crap

and they never apologize for it.

Well, that'll be $5 for
the tracking fee, Si.

$5?

Look every once in a
while you're reminded,

hey, don't waste your time
trying to figure them out.

You big, fat rascal you,
you ain't worth two cents.

Look, just be happy
with the time you get

to spend with them, at least
you don't have to, you know,

spend time with Mountain Man.

$5.

You know what Sweet
Pea's home, she's well...

- All right.
- She's happy.

It's not a she, Kay, it's a he.

Got to admit, Sweet
Pea is a little girl's name.

Oh, good grief.

Your mom and them.

Look they have a
Marine on their team.

Come on, let's get
all hyped up, come on.

- Let's get all hyped up.
- One, two, three, Duck Cluck.

Hey, do we go down up on two?

Like one, two, down, up
and come up on three?

Just one, two,
three, Duck Cluckers.

Is this mandatory?

- Okay, go down on three.
- Jase! Be a team player.

- Oh, your hands are cold.
- Ready, one, two, three.

Duck Cluckers!

Boom shacka lacka.

Oh, good night.

All right, are we
ready to rumble?

- Are we ready to rumble?
- Yes.

All right, everybody must
have a hand or foot on the wall

to begin the game,
on my whistle.

Whoo!

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
watch out, watch out.

Watch out, babe.

You're out.

- She's out.
- Out.

Phil, you're out.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Watch out, Jase.

Jase, you're out.

Just as I expected
all those hearty meals

at the Duck Diner have not
helped Phil's dodgeball game.

Dang I shoulda
caught that ball. Dang!

I did not expect however, to be
playing against a military sniper.

- Oh, shoot.
- Korie, out.

I mean this guy can hit a
movin' target a mile away

from the top of a Humvee,

he's gonna make
quick work of six idiots

standin' about 10
feet in front of him.

Ah!

Watch out!

Oh, Willie, you're out.

You're out.

I shoulda just challenged
Phil to a game of bowling.

- It's one-on-one now.
- Come on, Cole!

- Good job...
- Get him, get him, get him.

Hey, don't hurt my baby.

The Duck Cluckers
are the winners.

That's your ball game, boys.

And that's how
the big tree falls.

We might have lost to
Phillip McMillan in the past,

while riding a
toilet, but not today.

I think I will be at
church tomorrow.

No refunds there, bud.

But I will be glad to
see you at church.

Today we ascend on
the throne of victory.

Well, I guess that's all of it.

I got pizza coming,
you wanna eat?

You all wanna eat some pizza?

- Celebratory pizza.
- Good game, man.

Ducks and Villans,
we're all friends.

- Good game, got you out.
- Good game.

All right, let's pray.

Father we're so thankful for
everything you've given us,

we're thankful for this great
game, to Christ we pray, Amen.

Amen.

All right, let's
get on that pizza.

Whew, that's some
good lookin' pizza there.

It's important to love,
accept and forgive

anyone in our lives,

regardless of whether
they're family or bitter rivals.

Despite whatever disagreements
or issues we may have,

everyone deserves
a second chance,

whether it be an animal

or just a person who
smells like an animal.

Just because we battled
it out with Phillip McMillan

and his team of weirdos,

doesn't mean we can't sit down

and break bread
when it's all over.

Especially because
that bread is part of pizza

and you don't wanna
miss out on that.

Hey Si, did you ever find
out where your cat was going?

He's hangin' out with
your mom and them.

I don't know why I even ask.