Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 9, Episode 2 - Flock and Key - full transcript
Si recruits his nephews to help him transport a storage container to his backyard, but things take a turn when Jep becomes locked inside the box. Meanwhile, Jase helps Mia prepare for her ...
What in the world's
he got going on?
I don't know.
Si, what are you doing?
I'm putting security
camouflage on my shed.
All right, whatever.
Where's my auger?
I've been robbed.
- What?
- I've been "ramsacked."
- I've been bamboozled.
- Ransacked?
Yeah, "Ramsacked." Yeah.
- "Ramsacked"?
- Yeah, "ramsacked."
They stole my
stuff and your auger.
They stole my auger?
Yeah, they stole it.
I've been traumatized,
I've been violated.
Si, I think I'm the one
that's been violated here,
'cause they stole my auger.
What are you talking about?
All right, so lending an
expensive piece of equipment
to a man who can't even
keep track of his own glasses,
even though they're on his
face, was probably a terrible idea.
This is your security
system, some camo netting?
Well, hey, look, you
gotta have something.
That'll stop 'em.
I'm not sure why
he didn't just tell me
the auger was
stolen over the phone.
But to be fair, he did
mention something
about miscreants and hoodlums
flushing this nation
down the commode.
Si, your shed doesn't
even have a door.
It's got half a door.
But I never really
put the two together.
I had some antiques
in that thing, look at that.
It looks like they
took everything good
and left all the crap.
There ain't nothing these
dadgum rascals won't steal.
They're the lowest of the low.
Hey, this whole nation's
going to the toilet.
That shed's a toilet.
No, it ain't. There ain't
nothing wrong with that shed.
I don't think the camo
netting's gonna help any.
What's this nation gone to?
You gotta put chains
and locks on everything?
Yeah.
- Pretty much.
- That's pretty much what you do.
No, I oughta be able to leave
my shed unguarded, y'all.
You're talking about I
gotta hire a security force
around this darned place.
No. I said just maybe get a
shed with a door that locks.
Look, boys, I'm gonna
get the boys in blue.
They get the forensic
evidence, okay?
Cops will just tell you
to put a door and a lock.
Well, I guess my auger's gone.
I've been violated, I've
been bush-whacked.
I've been Amtraked
and side-tracked...
Si, you just need to
bulldoze this whole thing.
That thing's like
one of my children.
You don't put camo
netting over your kids.
What are you trying to say here?
You need a new shed.
You gonna buy me a shed?
Si, I'm not buying
you a new shed.
- You're gonna buy me an auger.
- What are you talking about?
- No.
- But it was stolen from you.
Yeah, but it was yours.
All right, we'll
split the difference.
I'll buy it, and you install it.
That... What...
I'm gonna get
something out of the deal.
- What about my auger?
- The thieves took the auger.
Okay, get over it, it's gone.
How much that thing cost anyway?
- A couple hundred dollars?
- $800.
- $800?
- Yes.
- You paid $800?
- Yeah.
- Did you feel violated?
- No.
You should have, for $800.
You're the one that
should call the law.
- $800, good grief!
- You got ripped off.
Mia, here's the deal.
Your mom's plane
has been delayed,
so she wants me to take care
of your cheerleading event.
Who's getting me ready then?
That would be me.
You go in there, you
put your hair in a ponytail.
You grab some pom-poms, and...
We don't have pom-poms.
You can't hold pom-poms
while you're throwing
somebody in the air.
What happened to cheerleading?
You have to do my
hair, my makeup...
Oh, my goodness.
Tonight's cheer
competition is a big deal.
Can you just call Aunt Korie?
'Cause she's done
it with Bella before.
I already called
Aunt Korie, she's out.
So I'm gonna handle this.
Well, what about Aunt Jessica?
She's good with hair.
- She's good with makeup.
- She's busy.
This is Mia's last event
before another round of
surgery on her cleft palate,
and the whole family will
be out there to support her.
Are you really gonna help me?
Yeah. I mean,
how hard can it be?
Mm, pretty hard.
I mean, the idea of my dad
at a cheerleading competition,
this is
once-in-a-lifetime-type stuff.
I'm not sure I agree with
you wearing all this makeup.
I mean, last time I
checked, you're still a kid.
Oh, there's, like, a million
cheerleaders out there,
and they all wear makeup.
What's wrong with these people?
You saying I have
something wrong with me?
No, I'm saying you're beautiful.
You don't need all this paint.
Well, we have to wear it.
So what do I need to do?
So you have to have the,
the stuff on your eyes
that match perfectly
with a little wing right here,
and then you need
to have a lot of blush.
Your cheeks are really
pink, bright red lipstick.
And then you need
to do the gloss on it.
And it's supposed to
be in a wing shape...
A little angel wing right
here, an angel wing...
It goes like that, it
goes like this, and that...
Then you have to
put a braid right here.
Have you ever
made an angel? Dad?
I have no idea what that means.
I think you have a problem.
How hard can this be?
Mm, pretty hard.
Si, I thought we's
here to get a shed.
Yeah, we're gonna get a shed.
This is the Fort
Knox-type shed that I need.
Just think, if I'd
have had this,
you wouldn't have lost your
auger, know what I mean?
No, I rarely know what you mean.
Hey, look, this is the "Tal
Mahaj" of storage units.
It don't get no better.
- That's the slogan, boys.
- I like it.
They've got little
sheds that are nice.
- No. Hey...
- It's better than a shed.
It's better than a
shed, just like he said.
Si, what's your wife
gonna say about this?
Hey, she don't care, I
wear the pants in the family.
- We'll see how that goes.
- I tried that.
This thing keep thieves out?
It's thief-proof.
Solid as a safe.
Hey, the man has got a point.
He's selling it. Of course
he's gonna say that.
- Wow.
- No.
Hey, look, it's one thing
I learned from the war:
You can never be too prepared.
There's no way we
can move that thing.
- I got the truck, got the crane.
- Come on, man.
And with the technology
advancements
and "weapontry," we're
more vulnerable than ever.
What day you
want it delivered, Si?
My shed, it's gotta be
strong, just like me, okay?
Fortified and full of crap.
You know people
actually live in these now?
Put 'em on a
piece of land, and...
- No, they don't.
- It's kind of cool.
- Yeah, they do.
- Yeah, they do too.
It's a hipster's dream.
A hippie back in the '60s
would've loved to had one of these.
How would you go to the toilet?
Oh, you just go
outside for that.
No, you just cut a hole in it.
- Oh. Or that.
- We can put a bucket under it.
Come on, man.
Sounds like we got a deal to me.
A little bit to the left!
Left? Your left or my left?
Your left.
Nah, the other way.
- You need to turn it this way.
- Si!
Hey, quiet down in
the peanut gallery.
Whoa!
Hey, look out now.
The truck move?
Yes, it's sinking.
Oh, crap!
- Point it my way.
- Better his than mine.
Headache! Headache!
Headache!
I think she's a
little front heavy.
Hey, is the truck supposed
to be off the ground?
All right, bring it in
for a landing, boys!
Shut up!
- You sure that's where you want it?
- Put her down!
Whoa! Whoa!
Good job. Perfect.
What do you think?
I think you're stupid, so...
No. I mean, look at
it, what do you think?
It looks like a fire truck.
Does that rock and pop, or what?
And especially when I get
them .50 calibers of mine on it.
You talkin' about
rockin' and poppin'.
Huh?
Hey, we gotta put guns
and ammo and food
in this thing, son, to be ready.
Ready for what?
For the zombie "apocalyse."
What? Your yard?
Welcome to the
zombie apocalys-shed.
"Apocalys"?
Yeah, the "apocalys."
What's a zombie "apocalyp"?
Jep, did you tell
him about zombies?
Yeah.
Look, don't be talking
behind my back.
Come over here
and say it to my face.
Jep told me all about
zombies the other day.
Look, that ain't nothing
but a metaphor for hippies.
Si, the zombie
apocalypse is not real.
Yeah, Jep told me you would say
the "apocalyse" wasn't real.
Look, hey, the hippies, okay?
Look, they was
running rampant, okay?
And they was, you know,
stumbling and mumbling
and shuffling all around.
No matter what Jep
told you, it ain't real.
Look, it ain't a
matter of time, okay?
- It's when they're coming.
- Huh?
It's like they lived out
of some kind of shoe
that smell like a skunk.
And I'm gonna be ready, buddy.
That's scary.
Hey, look, all you
hippies out there,
you mess with
Silas M. Robertson,
you're gonna suffer consequences
and the repercussions.
- Good plan.
- I'm gonna be ready.
All right, boys, we
gotta get food and ammo
in this thing ASAP.
That means "as soon as
possible," for you non-army guys.
Si, we know what "ASAP" means.
Get the old shed in the
new shed then we'll eat.
And it's on me.
Yeah, I'm hungry.
This is not a government
job. Y'all are here to work.
Daddy, you just put it in
and wrap the ponytail around.
How does that feel right there?
It all fell down.
It's a lot harder
than it looks here.
It's really simple.
I know.
Stay. Stay. Sit.
Just because I've never
done Mia's hair or makeup
doesn't mean I
can't figure this out.
- What do you think?
- Okay, okay.
This is my nightmare today.
I've painted several
houses and a few barns.
You put this for your eyeliner.
I'm not sure I'm gonna
be able to do that.
How different can
a little face paint be?
You just take it
and slop it on there.
Cover up all the
nooks and crannies.
Okay. Oh, darn. Oh, good.
This is the same
thing, it's just brighter.
Dad, you're scaring me.
- I went too high.
- Dad!
I'm worried if this
gets in your eye.
Have you ever had
this in your eye?
No. People are
really experienced.
All right, well I have
absolutely no experience.
Remember to do the wings.
Oh, the wing.
Where's the wing go?
It's just a little sharp,
pointy thing right there.
"Sharp, pointy thing"?
Let me give it a try.
Got your wing for ya.
I'm more going
for the duck wing.
I don't wanna look like a duck.
Nothing wrong with
looking like a duck.
They're the most
beautiful bird on the planet.
Okay, I'm getting
kind of nervous.
Got your wing for ya.
Courtesy of old Jase. Perfect!
You're gonna love this.
I finally did something right.
Dad, I look like a
constipated dog.
Maybe my coach can do it.
Your coach can do this?
Hey, easy with
that decoy, Godwin.
You and Jep be careful
with the owl there.
That's Sweet Pea's
long-lost brother.
That's a white,
albino, petrified cat.
But be careful with
him, he's priceless, boys.
I found him when
I was in Arizona.
Got "Mexico" on it.
It ain't got "Mexico"
on it, you knucklehead.
- It says "Mexico" right here.
- It says "Mexico."
What do you mean,
"It says 'Mexico""?
- Oops!
- That's all of it.
- That did it.
- Y'all killed Albino?
- Good grief!
- Cracked it.
Is there any treasure in there?
Well, that'd been awesome
if them... were in there.
Do you still want this?
No, you done killed him.
Al bit the dust, boys.
Hey, look, I'm really
enjoying my new
storage container/
zombie shelter.
This thing is cool, though, man.
You can do all kind
of stuff up in here.
All right, check this out, boys.
Hey, it's like an expensive
pair of underwear, okay?
It's good at
holding all my junk.
- Give me a hand, Martin.
- Hand for what?
The real question here, okay,
is how's he gonna do
in a zombie "apocalyse"?
Okay.
If it had some kind
of ventilation system,
this place would be pretty cool.
Wait!
- Installed.
- Hey!
I know for a fact
Jep ain't a zombie.
Hello!
Okay? But, hey, let's face it.
If there was a
zombie "apocalys,"
okay, Jep would
be the first one to go.
Let me outta here.
Hey, I think he's turning,
boys. He's infected.
- Infected with what?
- Zombie.
Ha-ha, real funny.
Shut up, zombie.
Let me out.
He's saying something.
"Let me out," is
what I'm saying.
He said, "Don't open the
door. I might hurt somebody."
I gotta get outta here, man.
He said, "You can't
let me outta here, man."
Yeah, he said don't let him out.
It's 300 degrees in here.
He's already turned,
boys, I can't hear him.
My eyelids are sweating.
Hey, he's in the
mutation stage right now.
Seriously, guys, my
crotch is getting swampy.
All right, Si, let him out.
This is definitely not
a good place to live.
I was totally wrong about that.
- I got a key here somewhere.
- Si!
- Seriously, it's hot.
- Ain't no key gonna help that.
That's a combination lock.
Hey, what about a lock?
Did y'all lock me in here?
Uh-oh.
- Y'all done?
- Yeah, we're done.
Did you lock the dang door?
Shut up in there, zombie!
Why is he locked
inside the container?
I wanted to see if it worked.
- Si, open up.
- Look, I'm serious, hey.
And he don't know
the combination.
No, I don't know what that, hey.
Die in a stupid container.
- I'm going to get some bolt cutters.
- Bolt cutters?
I'm gonna cut that lock off.
Hey, that thing cost me $8.
I'm getting bolt cutters.
Willie, you can't cut it off.
There's a zombie
quarantine going on here.
I am not a zombie!
Shut up, zombie.
What are we gonna do now?
I guess we're gonna have
to wait till Willie gets back
with the bolt cutters.
- Well, I'm hungry.
- My eyeballs are sweating.
Hey, look, I got some
cookies in the house.
Some cookies?
Yeah, fresh baked, too, boys.
Hold on, Jep,
we'll be right back.
You want a cookie?
Hey, where y'all going?
Good talk.
Hey, I want some cookies!
I need a bucket of water too!
Seriously, guys, my
crotch is getting swampy.
Get in your lines, let's go.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
Man, is this normal?
This seems pretty intense.
- You do this too?
- Yes.
It's making my joints queasy.
I mean, you talk
about pull a muscle...
There's Mia, she's late.
Yeah, we ran into
a little problem.
Her mom, plane got delayed.
Long story short, I
was in over my head.
She's missing warmups.
Well, I had a little problem
with her hair and makeup.
Right, it's supposed
to be a cat eye.
Well, it was angel wings.
- Yeah, he was having a little trouble.
- Yeah.
There are very few things
in this life that scare me.
I thought, like, the angel thing
was supposed to go like that.
You're right, baby, it is. It's
supposed to go up like that,
but you're supposed
to have it on both eyes.
This is not actually
my area of exper...
And your dad drew, like,
some kind of smudged "X."
Yeah.
Bears, cotton mouth moccasins.
That's about it.
It's a short list.
I didn't know what they looked
like, I never seen an angel.
I said, "What kind of"...
You could've Googled
a picture of angel wings.
That would've probably
been a good idea.
But I'll tell you this,
Mia's cheerleading coach,
she scares me.
That's not gonna work.
It won't work.
It's the most intimidated
I've ever been
by someone without a beard.
You're gonna have to get
one of my moms to do that.
Okay, good idea.
- Got it? Hurry up.
- Got it.
- You talk about a bulldog.
- That's a little rude.
You might hurt her feelings.
Trust me, there's no way I
can hurt that woman's feelings.
All right... Day
one, minute three.
I'm so hot in here.
Jess, just thought I'd
make you a message.
I love ya.
A lot of times, when you
said, "Take the trash out,"
I didn't do it. I'm sorry.
You're a good woman.
Wait at least a year before
you get married again.
Don't make any
rash decisions. Okay?
And he better be cool and
be a gamer, and all that.
So, don't get some moron
that my kids won't like.
I love you.
Hey, y'all gotta get
me outta here, man.
- These cookies are good.
- They are good.
Hey, Jep, I wish you could've
had one of these cookies.
Agua.
- What?
- Agua.
He said "agua." That's
Spanish for "brains."
Hey, look, in every
experiment, okay,
there's gotta be a
test subject, all right?
Look, and Jep made
a good one today.
You don't reckon
he died, do you?
No, he's undead, Godwin.
This here was a quarantine
test, okay, and it passed.
Boys, I'm gonna tell you what.
This zombie shed here...
pretty good investment.
I need to go to the bathroom.
- Oh, yeah, it works.
- He can't get out.
That's exactly right.
That's what I wanted
to make sure of.
I need to poop.
This thing worked so good, hey,
I'm probably gonna buy me
ten more for the front yard.
Hey, plus, I like
messing with Jep.
Cavalry's here, boys.
- Brought beer?
- No, Willie's here.
Y'all gotta get me outta here.
All right, here we go, boys.
Don't freaking bang on the door.
He ain't gonna be
able to do it, boys.
There ya go, baby!
Piece of junk!
- The light!
- I warned y'all.
You okay?
- Is that him?
- Not funny.
- You was acting strange, son.
- What happened, bro?
Did you pee in your
pants or something?
I just sweated through
my boxers and my jeans.
- That's what I'd say, too.
- I'm dehydrated.
Hey, look here.
I got about two or three
more things on the porch
I need to put in here.
Let's hurry up, I gotta go.
Hey, by the way,
your auger's in there.
Are you freaking kidding me?
It's in the back, under a tarp.
Si, ain't no freaking...
Hey!
All right, boys.
Let's see if we got
any more cookies left.
Let me out!
Jep, did you go to
the bathroom in here?
All right, Mia's up next.
These girls work hard.
I can't get over this.
- It's a big deal.
- It's a very intense thing.
What are you talking about?
A bunch of kids jumping
up and down on stage?
That ain't a sport.
Anything they
can do that I can't,
I consider that a sport.
No, it ain't no sport.
- This is a sport.
- No.
Number one, they
ain't got no ball
to kick it around, throw it
around, so it ain't a sport.
Is NASCAR not a sport, Si?
- No, NASCAR ain't no sport.
- What about karate?
That doesn't involve a ball.
Now you're talking
something now, kung fu, okay?
Kicking people,
hitting them in the face.
Yeah, now we're going somewhere.
Si.
Y'all, think about it. When
they was doing their moves,
then they just go and they flip.
Yeah, boom, right on the neck!
That one's out.
Drag her off the stage,
bring out another one.
Hey!
Please tell me
I did not miss it.
No, you did not miss it.
Yes! Oh, my goodness!
- I cannot believe I made it.
- You made it.
It's all under control.
You got her ready
and everything?
- What does she look like?
- Piece of cake.
- She looks fantastic.
- Really?
She looks great.
I don't know what I'm
more relieved about,
getting here on time,
or Jase pulling off
the whole cheer-dad thing.
I had to get some help.
He had to call in
reinforcements.
Yeah, I turned into,
like, a manager.
Let's just be honest
here, I had zero confidence
that Jase could pull this off.
- I'll have to admit something.
- What?
I usually have to
ask a couple of moms
to help me too.
Maybe you should've
put that with the text.
But if there's one
thing I can count on,
it is Jase going the
extra mile for our kids.
Y'all grab hands.
- Y'all ready to be amazing?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Ready to do awesome?
- Yes, ma'am.
All right.
Dear Lord, I pray that
You watch over these girls
as they go on stage.
Lord, I thank You
that these girls
have the talent they have.
In Your son's name
we pray, Amen.
One, two, three!
Go, Moo-Moo!
Mia!
Here we go.
We oftentimes learn the
hard way when we've taken
something for granted.
Jase can vouch for this
after getting a crash course
in cheer-mom duties.
I managed to take
my auger for granted
When I lent it to my Uncle Si.
And speaking of
Si, he's got a poorly
camouflaged shed to thank
for all his crap getting stolen.
But despite all that
it's a good reminder
of the things or people, we
should never take for granted.
Like your
cheerleading-savvy wife,
or pretty much anyone
else in your family,
even if they do lock you
in a storage container.
Not bad.
Hey, Si, don't forget,
you still owe me an auger.
No, I don't think so.
he got going on?
I don't know.
Si, what are you doing?
I'm putting security
camouflage on my shed.
All right, whatever.
Where's my auger?
I've been robbed.
- What?
- I've been "ramsacked."
- I've been bamboozled.
- Ransacked?
Yeah, "Ramsacked." Yeah.
- "Ramsacked"?
- Yeah, "ramsacked."
They stole my
stuff and your auger.
They stole my auger?
Yeah, they stole it.
I've been traumatized,
I've been violated.
Si, I think I'm the one
that's been violated here,
'cause they stole my auger.
What are you talking about?
All right, so lending an
expensive piece of equipment
to a man who can't even
keep track of his own glasses,
even though they're on his
face, was probably a terrible idea.
This is your security
system, some camo netting?
Well, hey, look, you
gotta have something.
That'll stop 'em.
I'm not sure why
he didn't just tell me
the auger was
stolen over the phone.
But to be fair, he did
mention something
about miscreants and hoodlums
flushing this nation
down the commode.
Si, your shed doesn't
even have a door.
It's got half a door.
But I never really
put the two together.
I had some antiques
in that thing, look at that.
It looks like they
took everything good
and left all the crap.
There ain't nothing these
dadgum rascals won't steal.
They're the lowest of the low.
Hey, this whole nation's
going to the toilet.
That shed's a toilet.
No, it ain't. There ain't
nothing wrong with that shed.
I don't think the camo
netting's gonna help any.
What's this nation gone to?
You gotta put chains
and locks on everything?
Yeah.
- Pretty much.
- That's pretty much what you do.
No, I oughta be able to leave
my shed unguarded, y'all.
You're talking about I
gotta hire a security force
around this darned place.
No. I said just maybe get a
shed with a door that locks.
Look, boys, I'm gonna
get the boys in blue.
They get the forensic
evidence, okay?
Cops will just tell you
to put a door and a lock.
Well, I guess my auger's gone.
I've been violated, I've
been bush-whacked.
I've been Amtraked
and side-tracked...
Si, you just need to
bulldoze this whole thing.
That thing's like
one of my children.
You don't put camo
netting over your kids.
What are you trying to say here?
You need a new shed.
You gonna buy me a shed?
Si, I'm not buying
you a new shed.
- You're gonna buy me an auger.
- What are you talking about?
- No.
- But it was stolen from you.
Yeah, but it was yours.
All right, we'll
split the difference.
I'll buy it, and you install it.
That... What...
I'm gonna get
something out of the deal.
- What about my auger?
- The thieves took the auger.
Okay, get over it, it's gone.
How much that thing cost anyway?
- A couple hundred dollars?
- $800.
- $800?
- Yes.
- You paid $800?
- Yeah.
- Did you feel violated?
- No.
You should have, for $800.
You're the one that
should call the law.
- $800, good grief!
- You got ripped off.
Mia, here's the deal.
Your mom's plane
has been delayed,
so she wants me to take care
of your cheerleading event.
Who's getting me ready then?
That would be me.
You go in there, you
put your hair in a ponytail.
You grab some pom-poms, and...
We don't have pom-poms.
You can't hold pom-poms
while you're throwing
somebody in the air.
What happened to cheerleading?
You have to do my
hair, my makeup...
Oh, my goodness.
Tonight's cheer
competition is a big deal.
Can you just call Aunt Korie?
'Cause she's done
it with Bella before.
I already called
Aunt Korie, she's out.
So I'm gonna handle this.
Well, what about Aunt Jessica?
She's good with hair.
- She's good with makeup.
- She's busy.
This is Mia's last event
before another round of
surgery on her cleft palate,
and the whole family will
be out there to support her.
Are you really gonna help me?
Yeah. I mean,
how hard can it be?
Mm, pretty hard.
I mean, the idea of my dad
at a cheerleading competition,
this is
once-in-a-lifetime-type stuff.
I'm not sure I agree with
you wearing all this makeup.
I mean, last time I
checked, you're still a kid.
Oh, there's, like, a million
cheerleaders out there,
and they all wear makeup.
What's wrong with these people?
You saying I have
something wrong with me?
No, I'm saying you're beautiful.
You don't need all this paint.
Well, we have to wear it.
So what do I need to do?
So you have to have the,
the stuff on your eyes
that match perfectly
with a little wing right here,
and then you need
to have a lot of blush.
Your cheeks are really
pink, bright red lipstick.
And then you need
to do the gloss on it.
And it's supposed to
be in a wing shape...
A little angel wing right
here, an angel wing...
It goes like that, it
goes like this, and that...
Then you have to
put a braid right here.
Have you ever
made an angel? Dad?
I have no idea what that means.
I think you have a problem.
How hard can this be?
Mm, pretty hard.
Si, I thought we's
here to get a shed.
Yeah, we're gonna get a shed.
This is the Fort
Knox-type shed that I need.
Just think, if I'd
have had this,
you wouldn't have lost your
auger, know what I mean?
No, I rarely know what you mean.
Hey, look, this is the "Tal
Mahaj" of storage units.
It don't get no better.
- That's the slogan, boys.
- I like it.
They've got little
sheds that are nice.
- No. Hey...
- It's better than a shed.
It's better than a
shed, just like he said.
Si, what's your wife
gonna say about this?
Hey, she don't care, I
wear the pants in the family.
- We'll see how that goes.
- I tried that.
This thing keep thieves out?
It's thief-proof.
Solid as a safe.
Hey, the man has got a point.
He's selling it. Of course
he's gonna say that.
- Wow.
- No.
Hey, look, it's one thing
I learned from the war:
You can never be too prepared.
There's no way we
can move that thing.
- I got the truck, got the crane.
- Come on, man.
And with the technology
advancements
and "weapontry," we're
more vulnerable than ever.
What day you
want it delivered, Si?
My shed, it's gotta be
strong, just like me, okay?
Fortified and full of crap.
You know people
actually live in these now?
Put 'em on a
piece of land, and...
- No, they don't.
- It's kind of cool.
- Yeah, they do.
- Yeah, they do too.
It's a hipster's dream.
A hippie back in the '60s
would've loved to had one of these.
How would you go to the toilet?
Oh, you just go
outside for that.
No, you just cut a hole in it.
- Oh. Or that.
- We can put a bucket under it.
Come on, man.
Sounds like we got a deal to me.
A little bit to the left!
Left? Your left or my left?
Your left.
Nah, the other way.
- You need to turn it this way.
- Si!
Hey, quiet down in
the peanut gallery.
Whoa!
Hey, look out now.
The truck move?
Yes, it's sinking.
Oh, crap!
- Point it my way.
- Better his than mine.
Headache! Headache!
Headache!
I think she's a
little front heavy.
Hey, is the truck supposed
to be off the ground?
All right, bring it in
for a landing, boys!
Shut up!
- You sure that's where you want it?
- Put her down!
Whoa! Whoa!
Good job. Perfect.
What do you think?
I think you're stupid, so...
No. I mean, look at
it, what do you think?
It looks like a fire truck.
Does that rock and pop, or what?
And especially when I get
them .50 calibers of mine on it.
You talkin' about
rockin' and poppin'.
Huh?
Hey, we gotta put guns
and ammo and food
in this thing, son, to be ready.
Ready for what?
For the zombie "apocalyse."
What? Your yard?
Welcome to the
zombie apocalys-shed.
"Apocalys"?
Yeah, the "apocalys."
What's a zombie "apocalyp"?
Jep, did you tell
him about zombies?
Yeah.
Look, don't be talking
behind my back.
Come over here
and say it to my face.
Jep told me all about
zombies the other day.
Look, that ain't nothing
but a metaphor for hippies.
Si, the zombie
apocalypse is not real.
Yeah, Jep told me you would say
the "apocalyse" wasn't real.
Look, hey, the hippies, okay?
Look, they was
running rampant, okay?
And they was, you know,
stumbling and mumbling
and shuffling all around.
No matter what Jep
told you, it ain't real.
Look, it ain't a
matter of time, okay?
- It's when they're coming.
- Huh?
It's like they lived out
of some kind of shoe
that smell like a skunk.
And I'm gonna be ready, buddy.
That's scary.
Hey, look, all you
hippies out there,
you mess with
Silas M. Robertson,
you're gonna suffer consequences
and the repercussions.
- Good plan.
- I'm gonna be ready.
All right, boys, we
gotta get food and ammo
in this thing ASAP.
That means "as soon as
possible," for you non-army guys.
Si, we know what "ASAP" means.
Get the old shed in the
new shed then we'll eat.
And it's on me.
Yeah, I'm hungry.
This is not a government
job. Y'all are here to work.
Daddy, you just put it in
and wrap the ponytail around.
How does that feel right there?
It all fell down.
It's a lot harder
than it looks here.
It's really simple.
I know.
Stay. Stay. Sit.
Just because I've never
done Mia's hair or makeup
doesn't mean I
can't figure this out.
- What do you think?
- Okay, okay.
This is my nightmare today.
I've painted several
houses and a few barns.
You put this for your eyeliner.
I'm not sure I'm gonna
be able to do that.
How different can
a little face paint be?
You just take it
and slop it on there.
Cover up all the
nooks and crannies.
Okay. Oh, darn. Oh, good.
This is the same
thing, it's just brighter.
Dad, you're scaring me.
- I went too high.
- Dad!
I'm worried if this
gets in your eye.
Have you ever had
this in your eye?
No. People are
really experienced.
All right, well I have
absolutely no experience.
Remember to do the wings.
Oh, the wing.
Where's the wing go?
It's just a little sharp,
pointy thing right there.
"Sharp, pointy thing"?
Let me give it a try.
Got your wing for ya.
I'm more going
for the duck wing.
I don't wanna look like a duck.
Nothing wrong with
looking like a duck.
They're the most
beautiful bird on the planet.
Okay, I'm getting
kind of nervous.
Got your wing for ya.
Courtesy of old Jase. Perfect!
You're gonna love this.
I finally did something right.
Dad, I look like a
constipated dog.
Maybe my coach can do it.
Your coach can do this?
Hey, easy with
that decoy, Godwin.
You and Jep be careful
with the owl there.
That's Sweet Pea's
long-lost brother.
That's a white,
albino, petrified cat.
But be careful with
him, he's priceless, boys.
I found him when
I was in Arizona.
Got "Mexico" on it.
It ain't got "Mexico"
on it, you knucklehead.
- It says "Mexico" right here.
- It says "Mexico."
What do you mean,
"It says 'Mexico""?
- Oops!
- That's all of it.
- That did it.
- Y'all killed Albino?
- Good grief!
- Cracked it.
Is there any treasure in there?
Well, that'd been awesome
if them... were in there.
Do you still want this?
No, you done killed him.
Al bit the dust, boys.
Hey, look, I'm really
enjoying my new
storage container/
zombie shelter.
This thing is cool, though, man.
You can do all kind
of stuff up in here.
All right, check this out, boys.
Hey, it's like an expensive
pair of underwear, okay?
It's good at
holding all my junk.
- Give me a hand, Martin.
- Hand for what?
The real question here, okay,
is how's he gonna do
in a zombie "apocalyse"?
Okay.
If it had some kind
of ventilation system,
this place would be pretty cool.
Wait!
- Installed.
- Hey!
I know for a fact
Jep ain't a zombie.
Hello!
Okay? But, hey, let's face it.
If there was a
zombie "apocalys,"
okay, Jep would
be the first one to go.
Let me outta here.
Hey, I think he's turning,
boys. He's infected.
- Infected with what?
- Zombie.
Ha-ha, real funny.
Shut up, zombie.
Let me out.
He's saying something.
"Let me out," is
what I'm saying.
He said, "Don't open the
door. I might hurt somebody."
I gotta get outta here, man.
He said, "You can't
let me outta here, man."
Yeah, he said don't let him out.
It's 300 degrees in here.
He's already turned,
boys, I can't hear him.
My eyelids are sweating.
Hey, he's in the
mutation stage right now.
Seriously, guys, my
crotch is getting swampy.
All right, Si, let him out.
This is definitely not
a good place to live.
I was totally wrong about that.
- I got a key here somewhere.
- Si!
- Seriously, it's hot.
- Ain't no key gonna help that.
That's a combination lock.
Hey, what about a lock?
Did y'all lock me in here?
Uh-oh.
- Y'all done?
- Yeah, we're done.
Did you lock the dang door?
Shut up in there, zombie!
Why is he locked
inside the container?
I wanted to see if it worked.
- Si, open up.
- Look, I'm serious, hey.
And he don't know
the combination.
No, I don't know what that, hey.
Die in a stupid container.
- I'm going to get some bolt cutters.
- Bolt cutters?
I'm gonna cut that lock off.
Hey, that thing cost me $8.
I'm getting bolt cutters.
Willie, you can't cut it off.
There's a zombie
quarantine going on here.
I am not a zombie!
Shut up, zombie.
What are we gonna do now?
I guess we're gonna have
to wait till Willie gets back
with the bolt cutters.
- Well, I'm hungry.
- My eyeballs are sweating.
Hey, look, I got some
cookies in the house.
Some cookies?
Yeah, fresh baked, too, boys.
Hold on, Jep,
we'll be right back.
You want a cookie?
Hey, where y'all going?
Good talk.
Hey, I want some cookies!
I need a bucket of water too!
Seriously, guys, my
crotch is getting swampy.
Get in your lines, let's go.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
Man, is this normal?
This seems pretty intense.
- You do this too?
- Yes.
It's making my joints queasy.
I mean, you talk
about pull a muscle...
There's Mia, she's late.
Yeah, we ran into
a little problem.
Her mom, plane got delayed.
Long story short, I
was in over my head.
She's missing warmups.
Well, I had a little problem
with her hair and makeup.
Right, it's supposed
to be a cat eye.
Well, it was angel wings.
- Yeah, he was having a little trouble.
- Yeah.
There are very few things
in this life that scare me.
I thought, like, the angel thing
was supposed to go like that.
You're right, baby, it is. It's
supposed to go up like that,
but you're supposed
to have it on both eyes.
This is not actually
my area of exper...
And your dad drew, like,
some kind of smudged "X."
Yeah.
Bears, cotton mouth moccasins.
That's about it.
It's a short list.
I didn't know what they looked
like, I never seen an angel.
I said, "What kind of"...
You could've Googled
a picture of angel wings.
That would've probably
been a good idea.
But I'll tell you this,
Mia's cheerleading coach,
she scares me.
That's not gonna work.
It won't work.
It's the most intimidated
I've ever been
by someone without a beard.
You're gonna have to get
one of my moms to do that.
Okay, good idea.
- Got it? Hurry up.
- Got it.
- You talk about a bulldog.
- That's a little rude.
You might hurt her feelings.
Trust me, there's no way I
can hurt that woman's feelings.
All right... Day
one, minute three.
I'm so hot in here.
Jess, just thought I'd
make you a message.
I love ya.
A lot of times, when you
said, "Take the trash out,"
I didn't do it. I'm sorry.
You're a good woman.
Wait at least a year before
you get married again.
Don't make any
rash decisions. Okay?
And he better be cool and
be a gamer, and all that.
So, don't get some moron
that my kids won't like.
I love you.
Hey, y'all gotta get
me outta here, man.
- These cookies are good.
- They are good.
Hey, Jep, I wish you could've
had one of these cookies.
Agua.
- What?
- Agua.
He said "agua." That's
Spanish for "brains."
Hey, look, in every
experiment, okay,
there's gotta be a
test subject, all right?
Look, and Jep made
a good one today.
You don't reckon
he died, do you?
No, he's undead, Godwin.
This here was a quarantine
test, okay, and it passed.
Boys, I'm gonna tell you what.
This zombie shed here...
pretty good investment.
I need to go to the bathroom.
- Oh, yeah, it works.
- He can't get out.
That's exactly right.
That's what I wanted
to make sure of.
I need to poop.
This thing worked so good, hey,
I'm probably gonna buy me
ten more for the front yard.
Hey, plus, I like
messing with Jep.
Cavalry's here, boys.
- Brought beer?
- No, Willie's here.
Y'all gotta get me outta here.
All right, here we go, boys.
Don't freaking bang on the door.
He ain't gonna be
able to do it, boys.
There ya go, baby!
Piece of junk!
- The light!
- I warned y'all.
You okay?
- Is that him?
- Not funny.
- You was acting strange, son.
- What happened, bro?
Did you pee in your
pants or something?
I just sweated through
my boxers and my jeans.
- That's what I'd say, too.
- I'm dehydrated.
Hey, look here.
I got about two or three
more things on the porch
I need to put in here.
Let's hurry up, I gotta go.
Hey, by the way,
your auger's in there.
Are you freaking kidding me?
It's in the back, under a tarp.
Si, ain't no freaking...
Hey!
All right, boys.
Let's see if we got
any more cookies left.
Let me out!
Jep, did you go to
the bathroom in here?
All right, Mia's up next.
These girls work hard.
I can't get over this.
- It's a big deal.
- It's a very intense thing.
What are you talking about?
A bunch of kids jumping
up and down on stage?
That ain't a sport.
Anything they
can do that I can't,
I consider that a sport.
No, it ain't no sport.
- This is a sport.
- No.
Number one, they
ain't got no ball
to kick it around, throw it
around, so it ain't a sport.
Is NASCAR not a sport, Si?
- No, NASCAR ain't no sport.
- What about karate?
That doesn't involve a ball.
Now you're talking
something now, kung fu, okay?
Kicking people,
hitting them in the face.
Yeah, now we're going somewhere.
Si.
Y'all, think about it. When
they was doing their moves,
then they just go and they flip.
Yeah, boom, right on the neck!
That one's out.
Drag her off the stage,
bring out another one.
Hey!
Please tell me
I did not miss it.
No, you did not miss it.
Yes! Oh, my goodness!
- I cannot believe I made it.
- You made it.
It's all under control.
You got her ready
and everything?
- What does she look like?
- Piece of cake.
- She looks fantastic.
- Really?
She looks great.
I don't know what I'm
more relieved about,
getting here on time,
or Jase pulling off
the whole cheer-dad thing.
I had to get some help.
He had to call in
reinforcements.
Yeah, I turned into,
like, a manager.
Let's just be honest
here, I had zero confidence
that Jase could pull this off.
- I'll have to admit something.
- What?
I usually have to
ask a couple of moms
to help me too.
Maybe you should've
put that with the text.
But if there's one
thing I can count on,
it is Jase going the
extra mile for our kids.
Y'all grab hands.
- Y'all ready to be amazing?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Ready to do awesome?
- Yes, ma'am.
All right.
Dear Lord, I pray that
You watch over these girls
as they go on stage.
Lord, I thank You
that these girls
have the talent they have.
In Your son's name
we pray, Amen.
One, two, three!
Go, Moo-Moo!
Mia!
Here we go.
We oftentimes learn the
hard way when we've taken
something for granted.
Jase can vouch for this
after getting a crash course
in cheer-mom duties.
I managed to take
my auger for granted
When I lent it to my Uncle Si.
And speaking of
Si, he's got a poorly
camouflaged shed to thank
for all his crap getting stolen.
But despite all that
it's a good reminder
of the things or people, we
should never take for granted.
Like your
cheerleading-savvy wife,
or pretty much anyone
else in your family,
even if they do lock you
in a storage container.
Not bad.
Hey, Si, don't forget,
you still owe me an auger.
No, I don't think so.