Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 9, Episode 1 - Inlawful Entry - full transcript

Good shot, Cole.

Watch out, incoming.

Yep.

Hey.

What are they doing?

I don't know.

You got your
windshield wipers on.

It's-It's sunny.

You can come out now.

- Hey!
- Hi, guys!

- Hey! How ya doin'?
- How ya doin'?



Y'all are back.

We were getting bored at home,
so we decided to come over here

and spend a few days with you.

"A few days"?

Yeah.

Look, y'all can stay
as long as y'all want to.

Now that Missy's
parents are retired,

they have a lot of free
time on their hands.

We were playing
basketball. You wanna play?

With my boots?

Well, if you did wanna play,

I was gonna say you
can back that thing out,

and you can park
it on the street.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.



Yeah.

Which is great, but her dad
can be a bit of a space invader.

Streets are for strangers.

Driveways are for family.

That's pretty good.

I never heard that before.

So Missy and I have
developed a code word

for when I feel like my
space is being invaded,

"Missy!"

- Hey, Miss! How are you?
- Y'all are back already?

Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

I didn't even know y'all
were gonna be coming.

- Hi, babe.
- Yeah, I sent you a message.

You sent me emojis.

Emojis have messages.

I have a car, a house,
and a smiley face.

We're coming to your
house, smiley face.

- Dad.
- Ha-ha! Yeah!

Can't you read "Dad?"

Why didn't I understand that?

It's hard for me too.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Do y'all want
something to drink?

Mom, you want some
lemonade or something?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, well, come in.

Y'all gonna play
some basketball?

Well, yeah.

But we're gonna
have to move that RV.

You think we're too close?

Maybe just a bit.

Ah, let's try it,
pass me that rock.

All right, Kareem!

Uh.

Cole, go get the ball.

I'm going for some lemonade.

Smiley face.

♪ Oh, good morning, Mr. RV

♪ Good morning, all you friends

Oh, goodness,
goodness, goodness.

- Larry!
- What? Oh.

- Good mornin'!
- Good mornin'.

- Did you wash my truck?
- Yeah.

Jase, you've got to
have a clean truck, son.

It's all a part of aerodynamics.

All those dust particles,
they get in the way, man.

Huh?

Look, I love my father-in-law,
but compared to my family,

the man is a
full-fledged yuppie.

Well, Larry, here's the deal,
I kind of like my truck dirty.

If you wash your truck,
somebody might steal it.

They look at my truck, it's
unwashed, it smells like death.

They walk up there
and they say, "Nope."

The few things we have
in common: our faith...

Cleanliness is
next to Godliness.

And our love for his daughter.

Oh, goodness.

So it's like a
deterrent for theft.

But it smells like dead varmits.

That's about it.

Well, I'm gonna need
you to move that RV

so I can get my truck out.

I gotta go to work.

Uh-oh, we got a problem.

It can't go anywhere.

I've got it all propped up.

- Your driveway is on a slant.
- Oh, no.

- You put that thing here to stay.
- So it's level.

You can fit through
there. I'll move my car.

Okay.

♪ Oh, good mornin', good mornin'

Glad to have you here, Larry.

John Luke!

- Hey.
- Are you ready?

Yes, sir.

Got the sign up and everything.

- That's it?
- Yeah.

John Luke, I can't even read
it from the darn parking lot.

Mm-hmm.

This is not exactly
a grand opening.

John Luke is married now,

and he's probably gonna
have a family to support soon.

So, naturally, I was
excited he showed initiative

to start a snow cone stand.

How does anybody
even know it's here?

I told everyone I
know. All my friends.

Well, you must not
have many friends.

They're coming.

It's the perfect
starter business.

John Luke, this is optimal
snow cone weather.

And with me as his partner,

there's no way he
can screw this up.

Nobody's even
hitting their brakes.

If you build it, they will come.

- No, no, they won't.
- Yeah.

If you build it, they don't
know about it, they ain't coming.

Then again, I've
been wrong before.

- Brian's bought some.
- Who's Brian?

- My employee.
- Hello, Brian.

All right, look.

We've got a major
advertising problem.

What we need is a good slogan.

It needs to be
clever, something like,

like, "Ice Ice Baby."

"Too cold. Too cold."

I don't get it.

Vanilla Ice?

We have vanilla ice.

No, John Luke.

It's a song.

Remind me to teach
you about the '90s.

You gotta hook it.
Catch and release.

- Just stand right there, Godwin.
- No, I ain't standing there.

Hey, he'll hook you.

- See if I can get a Si.
- Hey!

Have you lost your mind?

- What?
- What's wrong with you?

That thing's got a hook in it.

I was trying to catch
the oldest fish in the sea.

- Wait a minute.
- Uh-oh.

My in-law just sent me a
cartoon picture of a piece of pizza.

A cartoon piece of pizza.

- It's an emoji.
- What does it mean?

What in the world is "emoji"?

Well, maybe he
likes pizzas. I do.

Y'all are weird.

Hey!

- Anybody hungry?
- Larry?

- Hey, Jase!
- Hi, guys!

I didn't know you
were coming up here.

- What you got?
- Man, I got something to eat.

Did you get my text?

He said something about you like
pizza or something. I don't know.

Oh, is that what that meant?

Yeah. I sent you a
picture of a little pizza.

Yeah, we were just...

- Whoa! No!
- Oh, good grief!

That is a party foul.

That's yours, Godwin.
That one's yours.

That's disgraceful.

Just dust it off,
it'll be all right.

You're gonna eat it.

Look, Jase has got
it pretty dang good

when it comes to Larry.

A father-in-law that
brings you pizza at work?

That's pretty darn
cool in my book.

If you keep bringing us pizza,

you are welcome
up here, brother.

Hey.

I mean, that's up there
with a father-in-law

that's also into video games.

Or one that knows how to use
throwing stars and numchucks.

A true ninja.

Larry, you can text me
anytime. I like your style.

Mm-hmm.

Come to think of it, I'm
gonna be a pretty awesome

father-in-law one day.

All right, I've come
to see the duck calls.

Where are the duck calls?
Nothing here but boxes.

And the boxes are
full of duck calls.

Give that man that
duck call right there.

You gonna train
me how to blow it?

Look, you got
your greeting call.

That's the most famous
sound in the duck world.

I don't think I can do that one.

Oh, yeah, you can do it.

Give it a whirl.

- That ain't bad.
- Not bad.

Well, now that I've learned how
to blow a duck call, let's go hunting.

The problem is, duck
season's not open.

- Want to go quail hunting?
- Hey.

- Well, yeah.
- Yeah.

- I do.
- I do.

- I'm in.
- No.

Here's the problem with
going hunting with yuppies.

Jase, it's a win-win, son.
Pizza, now let's go quail hunting.

Yeah.

Yuppies go hunting for fun.

They want to chit-chat
and have a good time.

I've never eaten quail.

- Well, we gotta go now.
- Yeah, yeah.

I hunt for food.

When's the last time
you hunted, Larry?

Oh, not more than
four or five decades.

It's not that I don't want
to go hunting with the man.

I just don't wanna
get shot today.

If you want a safe
hunt, lose the yuppie.

Come on, Jase, what do you say?

We need some quality time.

I think y'all do need
some quality time.

Let's go quail hunting.

- Say "yea."
- Yea!

- Hey.
- Well.

All right, that's a "yes."

- We're in?
- Uh-oh, Kareem!

What?

No.

You ain't no basketball player.

Let's try quail hunting.

All right, guys, it
looks good inside.

It looks a lot...

- I fixed the sign.
- I like it.

I spent a lot of
time on this one.

- You did that?
- I did that by myself.

I think it looks good.

You're the boss.

Let's get one thing straight.

Technically, he's not your boss.

I'm your boss, 'cause
I'm the major contributor

of funds into this
business, all right?

You're the boss.

John Luke, did you
even interview him?

- Yes, sir.
- His name is Brian.

Okay.

So, look, if you're
gonna interview people,

you're gonna have to ask
proper questions, all right?

- Yes, sir.
- Okay?

Brian, what makes you wanna
be in the snow cone business?

I'm good with ice.

Okay, that's a
start, that's a start.

- Yeah, you gotta love the product.
- Exactly.

It's important that John
Luke hires a strong staff

filled with ambitious
and responsible people.

Where do you see yourself
in the next five years?

I always wanted to go
to, like, a theme park, man.

That'd be so fun.

Yeah. I'm talking
about, like, a job.

Well, I guess I
could work there too.

Because a good business won't
last long without good employees.

But I did always
wanna be a doctor.

A doctor? That's
cool, that's interesting.

Pediatrician.

Take it from someone
who has a lot of experience

with inadequate employees.

Did you go to college, or...

No, I don't feel like maybe I
need to go to school, because,

like, I've learned how to
do a lot of stuff via YouTube.

Um, okay.

You want to nip this
problem in the bud.

You ever been in trouble?
Any run-ins with the law?

Anything like that?

Yes, sir.

Oh, it's a "yes." Okay.

Normally, that's "no."

Okay. Well, uh...

At least John
Luke can fire Brian.

I'm stuck with my
employees for life.

All right, look, you
pretty much answered

every interview question
that I asked incorrectly.

He's a good salesman.

I make the best snowballs
this side of H-Town.

Know what I'm sayin'?

We're not in H-Town.

We're in West Monroe, Louisiana.

Hold that thought.

John Luke, is he gonna be the
one interacting with the customers?

- Yes, sir.
- I can't understand a word he's saying.

Any time you hire somebody,

you gotta be ready to
fire that person, okay?

Hello, Brian. Wow,
what was fast.

Tell me that ain't the best
snowball you've ever tasted.

"Snow cone," but all right.

What is this? What's
this flavor called?

It's called the BR-5000.

It's a combination
of blue raspberry,

red raspberry, with
piña colada on the top.

Ohh!

Man, I'm getting weak in
the knees eating this thing.

That is the most legit
snow cone you'll ever taste.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Actually, for the
first time, Brian,

I understand what you're sayin'.

This is legit.

That's what we like to call,
in the biz, a "game changer."

Too legit to quit.

"Ice Ice Baby."

Here's your safety.

I know about a safety.

I'm just saying. You
haven't hunted in, what?

- Oh, 50 years.
- Fifty years?

I mean, just think, if you
hadn't driven a car in 50 years,

you might need to
go over the basics.

- All right.
- So see this? That's safety on.

Gotcha.

That's off.

That's red. That means
that's live. That's hot.

Red doesn't mean stop?

No. No, red don't mean
stop, red means hot.

Hot, safety on.

No. That's off.

See that red?

- That means danger.
- Danger.

Teaching somebody about hunting is
like teaching a kid how to ride a bike.

You start with the
training wheels.

See?

Safety on.

Safety off.

Safety on.

You don't have to
say that every time.

On, off, on, off, on,
off, on, off, on off.

- Safety first.
- Got it.

Only in hunting, the
bike is a deadly weapon.

There is no room for error.

When do we put
on the face paint?

No. The face paint
doesn't go with orange.

We got the orange on
because in all the confusion,

I don't wanna get shot.

Or me, I'm the youngest.

I got a lot more to live for.

Then again, my
wife broke her jaw

while learning
how to ride a bike,

and Larry was her instructor.

Is that the tag?

Yeah.

- What are you doing?
- I gotta get that off.

If I don't like hunting,

I'm gonna take it back
and get my money back.

Good grief, take it back?

So that was a bad analogy.

But you get what I'm saying.

The dog will find them. Then
we ease up there and flush 'em.

- Are we ready?
- Mm-hmm.

Hunt 'em up, Stella.

Stella!

Let me and Larry take the lead.

I don't want to be in
front of Larry anyway.

That's it.

I could've been a contender.

That's the wrong movie, Godwin.

Contender for what,
the Goodyear Blimp?

What you got there on your head?

Oh, this is my new
headwear, you like?

I don't know if you
can pull that off.

I just figure cars passing by,
they see the bandana, see me.

'Cause we look so much
alike, they're gonna think it's you,

and they'll buy some.

- I like it.
- You look nothing like me, okay?

I think we favor each other a
little bit more than you think.

Oh, geez, I hope not.

- I see it.
- You know what I'm sayin'?

No, I don't know
what you're sayin'.

But I'm gonna
let it slide a day.

Don't do it again. Lookie here!

- Here's some customers.
- What's up, guys?

- Welcome!
- Fancy seeing you here.

Okay, I want a small
Tiger's Blood, please.

- Small Tiger's Blood.
- Small Tiger's Blood!

Can I have a small horchata?

- Small horchata.
- Small horchata!

Okay, that's loud.

For a small business like this,
it's important that John Luke

have a good rapport
with his customers.

- Small Tiger's Blood!
- Thank you for not buying that.

Thanks, Dad.

At some point, money
has to change hands.

Because in order for this
snow cone stand to succeed,

repeat business is a must.

You can't just give
this stuff away for free.

Why not?

That's all our profit
going right out the door.

And there's no better way
to have a customer return

than to give them
good, old-fashioned,

quality customer service.

John Luke, you're burning...

You're burning all the...

You're burning
all the pr... Just...

Bro!

Unfortunately, John Luke
doesn't have any customers.

He has freeloaders.

John Luke, how are we
gonna make any money

if you're just giving it all to
your friends and your family?

Those people are gonna
make us a lot of money

because they're gonna
put it on social media.

- That's why people come.
- That's not how it works.

You gotta have better signs.

You gotta let people know
what they're coming to.

I mean, that's how
people buy things.

Not nowadays, social media.

- Free marketing.
- Oh, my gosh.

Can we get one more
round of snow cones, please?

Yeah, of course.

No, there's no more
round of snow cones.

That's it. You got one.

That's your last
one that's free.

But John Luke said they're free.

Okay, well, that's
over, no more.

I don't have any money.

Do you have any money?

- Here you go.
- Thanks, Dad.

You're welcome.

That's the last free one.
Where's my change?

We don't have any change.

- Don't have any change?
- Mm-mm.

Stella, bring me my bird!

All right, Stella.

She's onto something here.

Line 'em up.

All right, Larry, come on.

She's on 'em, get ready.

Jase, this is so exciting.
They're in there, Jase.

They gotta be in there.

Oh, they're in there. You
have to be quiet, though.

I got 10-to-1 odds that
Larry don't cut a feather.

I got 10-to-1 odds
we gonna be eatin'

fried chicken tonight
instead of quail.

Jase, isn't this cool?

Shh.

Shh!

- Shh-shh!
- Hmm.

I'm honored that I can educate
my father-in-law in hunting.

This is the great
outdoors, Jase!

Shh.

However, Larry isn't the
easiest person to hunt with,

because he's loud.

Jase, why won't they
fly? Jase, make 'em fly.

Come on, you dirty birds, fly.

It's the same reason
that most yuppies

go into the woods and they say,

"I don't see anything here."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on!

That's because they heard
you coming, and they're hiding.

- Any moment, any moment.
- Jase.

Oh, oh, I can feel
my heart beating.

We're still working on
Larry's stealth mode.

I feel like I'm chaperoning
a date or something.

It's a man date, a man
and his father-in-law.

Get ready now, this
is gonna be quick.

This is it, this
is it, this is it.

Come on up. Come
on up a little bit.

Right there.

Well...

- Why didn't you shoot?
- Mine won't work.

You got the safety on.

No, no, no. Don't tell me that.

That's why I told you,
"Safety on, safety off."

Hey, we got one, boys.

One ain't gonna be enough.

No, no.

Look, the best thing
about quail hunting, okay,

is eating them little
heifers afterwards.

We're gonna need a lot of
mashed potatoes, biscuits.

- Gravy.
- Butter.

Sautéed onion.

You don't even
need any utensils.

You don't even need
teeth, either, okay,

because, look, they'll
melt in your mouth.

Mushrooms.

- And cheese.
- And cheese.

But, hey, none of this matters
if you're hunting with Larry.

Aaahh! Whoo!

Because, look, you've
got to actually kill 'em,

okay, to be able to eat 'em.

Safety off.

I was this close of being with
you when you shot your first quail.

Well, you will be yet.

I'm gonna be at your
house a little longer.

- Hmm.
- Just joking.

That's the best joke
you've told all day.

You got me.

One weird dude.

You know, you can
buy quail at the store.

- What are we doing here?
- I know it.

- You wanna go?
- I will if you will.

You want to?

All right, let's go.

Don't act like
you don't want to.

Let's let them
have their moment.

We'll catch y'all later.

Stella, bring me my bird!

- Safety off.
- No. You keep that on.

Small root beer,
small watermelon.

Small watermelon!

Can I get a small
zombie with cream?

Small zombie!

- Can I have a small green apple?
- Small green apple.

Green apple!

Thank you, you'll pick
it up right over there.

- Hey.
- Hey, Miss Korie.

- What do you want?
- Can I get a strawberry?

- Strawberry!
- Y'all are busy.

This morning, it
was pretty slow,

but I sent out the old
Tweet on social media

and brought the crowd.

- Good thinking.
- He did good.

He got a lot of people here.

I may have doubted John Luke,

but I have to say, his marketing
strategy is kind of working.

All right, Mr. Newlywed. I've
never ordered a snow cone.

I've never eaten a snow cone.

What do you have back
there? Give me the best you got.

All right. We'll go BR-5000.

I'll try it.

If John Luke keeps this up,

he's gonna be a very
successful business owner

like his old man.

That ain't bad.

- Not bad.
- You know what I'm sayin'?

Yes, sir, I know
what you're sayin'.

Next lesson: getting family
members to pay for a snow cone.

Pony up.

Hey, look, give me some
cubed ice, boys, for my tea.

I don't want that crushed junk.

- We ain't got no cubed ice.
- You ain't got no cubed ice?

What kind of joint you
running around this joint?

Hey, Si, I got some ice for you.

- Hey!
- Quit!

I got him on the run, boys!

Free snow cones for everybody!

Yeah. They get
the family discount.

John Luke. No free
snow cones for family!

That's it.

All right, y'all bow a minute.

Father, we thank You for the
good food You blessed us with.

I also am thankful, Father,
that you blessed John Luke

with a good snow cone stand.

Through Jesus.
In His name I pray.

- Amen.
- Amen.

All right, boys, let's eat.

Oftentimes, we view our
differences as negatives,

which is easy because
most disagreements

come from what makes
us fundamentally different.

As unnerving as
it may be, though,

it's important to look
at those differences

as a chance to learn
from one another.

Heck, in some cases,
you might just be able

to teach someone a thing or two.

Or maybe you'll just learn.

"Ice Ice Baby."

♪ In living color