Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 9, Episode 11 - RV There Yet? - full transcript
John Luke, I can't believe
you're going to college.
It seems like you just
got out of high school.
Kay, he did just get
out of high school.
He's onto bigger
and better things.
I don't know about bigger and
better, but he's going onto other things.
- We're gonna miss him.
- Yep.
The time has finally come
to send John Luke to college,
so we're hitting the road
tomorrow to take him and his wife
to their new home in Virginia.
Little Simba. Seemed like yesterday,
I was holding you up like this.
Aw.
Dad, that was yesterday.
Was it?
These kids grow up so fast.
I just kind of wish
they were staying
a little closer to home
than Liberty University.
Before long, you'll be having
kids, teaching them stuff.
All right, Mr. Memory
Lane, I need a burger.
All right.
- Good talk, John Luke.
- I'm hungry.
I mean, Virginia's,
like, a 14-hour drive.
That's a long time to be
in an RV with your family.
Especially my family.
So let's get this straight. What
time are we leaving to Nashville?
We're leaving at six o'clock.
We're going to Nashville?
- No, "we're" not going.
- Tomorrow?
- You're not going.
- We're going.
What are you talking
about? No, y'all gotta take me.
We're taking John Luke
and Mary Kate to Liberty.
I know, that's fine.
We're going to Liberty
so Cole can see it,
and we're visiting Nashville to
check on Reed in his new place.
And meet up with my buddy, Colt.
Then, hey, you gotta take me.
- Because look...
- Si.
I'm learning how
to play the guitar.
And I'm fixin' to
become a rock star.
- Si.
- Okay, I'm gonna knock
Nashville's socks off.
Whoa.
Si, you've been playing
the guitar for like two weeks.
I know it, but I'm good already.
Look, guys, there's
different phases of life.
You're a kid, you're an
adult, and then you're old.
Hey, I'm not afraid to
say it. I'm at the old part.
We can book him in at all
the nursing homes in the area.
Hey...
You gotta be good
at nursing homes.
You'd be out in the
nursing home circuit.
Y'all gonna regret saying
that when I'm a star.
The man wants to be
a rock star, come on.
Look, it's my last shot, boys.
I can get killed by a comet
tomorrow, you never know.
Gettin' old ain't that bad.
'Cause number one, I don't
care what anybody else thinks.
I'm at that age. All right?
Just give me a chance.
That's all I'm saying.
- Y'all going to Nashville anyway.
- Fine!
It's fine, but be prepared to carry
some boxes when we get to Virginia,
'cause that's the
main thing we're doing.
I'll help you unload
John Luke and Mary Kate.
- Si, you're going to Nashville.
- There you go, all right.
- He's in.
- That's settled.
Look out, Nashville!
Silas Merritt Robertson
is coming to town,
and old age is coming with him!
Attention, everybody.
Was gonna give a little speech
for John Luke and Mary Kate.
So they're heading off
to school happily married.
And we'll be driving a
truck up there with Si now.
6:00 a.m.
I'll see y'all at the
butt crack of dawn.
Great, Si.
All right, so we want
to end with a toast.
To John Luke and Mary Kate.
- Cheerio.
- Hear, hear!
So you wanna be
a rock star, huh?
I got a face for music, buddy.
Si, you got a face
for radio, I believe.
Happy Birthday.
You're seven today.
Uh-huh.
When the rest of the family
gets back from their trip,
we're gonna do a
big birthday party.
But today we're gonna
celebrate with just us.
- Jep, you blew it out!
- No, I didn't.
I can't believe our baby boy,
River, is seven years old today.
What do you wanna do
for your birthday, buddy?
I wanna eat the cake.
It seems like yesterday
I was holding that
little peanut in my arms,
and now he's so grown up.
Do you want to maybe
go skating or bowling?
No.
We're gonna have, like, a
really big blowout next weekend.
But today's his actual birthday,
so we're gonna do a
little something special.
I wanna make a superhero movie.
Or we can just do something
completely weird and random.
I showed him some of my
old Duck Commander movies.
Like hunting DVDs, maybe?
I wanna be the Assassin.
I've never heard
of that superhero.
Well, he's a new one.
Is he good, or a bad person?
- He's just a complicated person.
- So he murders people? Uh-uh.
He does what he has to do
to get paid and to do good.
Assassin!
This will be fun!
Yay!
Tomorrow, we make a
movie called Assassin.
- Assassin.
- You are definitely my son.
You came from my loins.
Inappropriate.
- Smile, Willie.
- Si, I'm driving.
- Smile!
- I can't smile.
All right, pick up!
- Punch!
- We there?
- Stop.
- I need a bathroom.
Oh, great.
- I ain't pulling over.
- Hey, it's unsafe for me
to try to walk back
to the bathroom.
Okay? It's dangerous.
He's got a point.
Not only, not only for myself,
it's dangerous for
those that I'm walking by.
- Oh, great.
- Okay? You gonna pull over or not?
No, I'm not pulling over.
I guess I'm gonna
have to use my teacup.
- That's disgusting.
- So all the women close their eyes.
What?
There's a sign that says,
"School's starting.
School for all ages."
And it's open.
This is my dad on trips,
reading all the signs.
He reads every sign.
Si, you don't have to read
every sign that we pass.
That was a good one back there.
Civil War Trail?
Huh, and there's a
cannon on top of the hill.
Pennsylvania Avenue.
Ford Avenue.
Broadway.
Yep.
Are we having fun
yet on this road trip?
Right, that's what
I'm talking about.
This place looks great.
A very, um, Si-like store.
Yeah.
Ooh.
Y'all know the statement,
"The clothes make the man?"
Hey.
We've hit the
mother lode, buddy!
Five minutes into Nashville,
and Korie and Sadie
have already found a
clothing store to check out.
But it's not them
I'm worried about.
It's ZZ Flop and his big dreams.
Jackpot!
Hurry up, we gotta go see Colt.
Si with ambition is like
Gollum with his precious.
It's unpredictable
and kind of creepy.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah. Here we go.
Yeah, all right!
I'm gonna try on a
few things real quick.
Basically, I'm just trying
to keep from spending
my entire trip in
Nashville on Si's delusions.
It's like my two worst
things in the world.
Trying on clothes and then
stuck with Si, combined.
Oh, look, hey, you
can't expect nothing
from somebody
that ain't an artist.
Knucklehead!
Okay, boys.
Look, camo pants are gone.
Uh-huh. Yep. Okay.
- That is disturbing.
- Disturbing? Hey!
- Watch your mouth.
- You have the tiniest calves
- I've ever seen in my life.
- Oh, shut up!
Now I know why
you don't wear shorts.
It's just two bones.
Oh, hush!
- Si, hurry up. We gotta go.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey!
Si, I'm fixin' to leave, right?
And we're leaving
you in this store.
- Willie.
- Hey, you can't rush sexy, son.
Most men, when
they get my age, okay,
and they hit their
midlife crisises,
the next thing, you
know, they lose their mind.
Hey, but if you ask me, okay,
I'm fixin' to hit life's sweet spot.
I'm ordering me about five to
ten thousand dollars' worth of stuff
and charge it to you.
Si, I told you I was
spending $100, that's it.
Hey, the socks I
got on cost $100.
I'm like a caterpillar
fixin' to enter its cocoon.
And then, voila!
Next thing you see,
I'm a beautiful butterfly
with the voice of an angel,
okay and the guitar
skills of Stevie Vay Ron.
Okay, I'm near ready, boys.
I'll be cooler than the
other side of the pillow.
I like it.
Come on.
Come on up here.
I don't like it.
This trip could transform
my life and music, okay,
as we know it, forever.
All right, what do ya think?
- It's a little bit too flashy.
- What?
But not in a good way flashy.
It might be a little overkill.
You look like a
cartoon character.
It needs a little more pizzazz.
Interesting shirt. Let's
go with no camo pants.
O-kay.
You already tried that on.
I don't support lunacy.
God!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Oh, yeah. This is the one.
Okay. Here we go. Look here.
The man formerly known
as Si no longer exists.
- Nice.
- Love it.
I like it.
Perfect.
Now you're looking
at the Royal Flush.
I like it.
Hey, Willie, you do have
your credit card, right?
Si, no.
Put it on the credit card.
So, exactly what are
we doing here, Jeppico?
That's a great question,
and as the director,
I can answer that.
We are making a movie for River
for his birthday entitled The Assassin.
- What?
- Basically, the movie is,
an evil wizard will
capture the princess
using foul henchmen,
and River, The Assassin,
rescues the princess.
What?
I'm super pumped
about River's movie.
As you can see,
I have this. Cool.
It's gonna be like a
low-budget passion project,
'cause I really don't
have the resources
to do anything else.
Everybody's got a part.
Dad, you'll be
playing the evil wizard.
You guys are henchmen.
Sort of like I'm
coaching a football team
with some tennis players.
They're all about their
rackets and their fuzzy balls.
They're not into pigskins, helmets,
knocking people's heads off.
Mom, you're a wizardess.
Priscilla will be
playing the president.
- Whoo!
- Hello.
These are my assistants.
- I need some water.
- Quiet on the set, people.
Hey, but I'll take
what I can get,
which is pretty much the C-team.
My smoking hot, beautiful
wife is the princess.
I would say D, but I got
a thing for the princess.
All right, Dad.
This is your staff.
You got one line.
- My heebie-jeebie stick.
- That's actually your staff.
- Looks more like a broom, doesn't it?
- You basically, you got one line.
- "Thou shalt not pass."
- "You're on the wrong road."
- "Thou shalt not pass."
- "Don't go down that road," I got it.
"Thou shalt not pass."
It's a good line.
- Pass.
- Pass.
- Pass.
- Pass.
All right, and now, please
welcome River, The Assassin.
Everybody clap.
Do your cartwheel.
Do your round-off.
Man, I got chills.
- That's what Mama's talkin' about.
- That was pretty good.
Are you an assassin
or a cheerleader?
- Shut up!
- Shut up.
Oh, he'll get
you later for that.
Easy. Easy.
- Y'all ready to make the movie?
- He don't have super powers.
- Get him, Assassin!
- River of pain!
He's a mean one.
Colt, this is awesome,
man. So the video's out?
Cut 'em all, Jack.
It's worldwide, man.
Oh, man, that's awesome.
- It's unbelievable.
- Good?
People are going crazy.
You did good, too, man.
Might be another
music career for you.
I don't think I'll
quit my day job.
Speaking about
quitting a day job,
I'm thinking about
getting into the music biz.
What's your artist
name gonna be?
Is it gonna be Si?
In Nashville, I'm gonna be
known as the "Royal Flush."
The Royal Flush.
Why the Royal Flush?
Because I like poker.
There's been way
worse ideas than that,
I'll be honest with you.
There you go.
We're in my buddy Colt's
studio, and Si's wasting no time
trying to kick-start
his music career.
Si, you look like a dead guy.
Hey, look, I'm networking
here, son, okay.
Look, I'm all for Si
pursuing his dreams.
I just wish his dream was
something a little more realistic.
Me and you are
down like four flat tires.
Oh, oh, right to the bottom.
I'm not trying to be mean,
but Si is a little past his prime.
And that's putting it gently.
I mean, the man can't
even tell a full story
without totally losing
his train of thought
or taking a bathroom break.
Hey, y'all two like
music. What do you think?
- Si, you'll be just like T-Swizzle.
- That's what I was thinking.
Keith Wiggle?
T-Swizzle.
Taylor Swift.
Taylor Swift? Who is he?
You have a lot to learn
about your new industry, Si.
The music industry ain't exactly a
business where old men become stars.
When's the last time
you can remember
a 66-year-old guy winning
Best New Artist of the Year?
Never.
I just had just a
brainstorm, okay?
Look, Royal Flush, okay?
And here's the new album,
Rhinestone is the New Black.
That ain't bad. Let's see, uh...
♪ They call me Si, y'all
♪ I spit that country grammar
♪ I drink that sweet tea
♪ Grew up in Louisiana
♪ I'm like the poker king
♪ They call me Royal Flush
♪ I spit that country grammar
♪ So, Willie, just hush ♪
- How about that?
- There you go.
All right, so I did that.
Now you do, do what I just did.
Hey, look, this rapping thing,
it's easier than I thought, okay?
It's just, you know,
you're telling a story.
Look, the other night,
we're at Jase's house, okay.
We deal the cards out, okay.
I got pocket tens.
Jase has got pocket jacks.
Hey, he raises me 50.
I bump him a hundo.
Okay, the other two
knuckleheads in the hand,
they fold because they can't
stand the heat in the kitchen.
Okay, Jase gets up and says,
"I've got to go
to the restroom."
- Wait.
- I said, "Hold it.
"The hand is going on,
and you can't do that, okay?
- Play your cards."
- Is this a song?
Are you describing
a actual poker game?
Well, this is a song but it
was actually a poker game, too.
Okay.
- Okay, this is real.
- I mean, you may be onto something.
- Oh, no. This is real, okay?
- Okay, I'm sorry.
Keep going. Go, go, go.
Hey, even Colt Ford couldn't
keep up with my rhymes.
Okay, we waited till the river,
and Jase says, "I'm all in."
I flopped a set
of tens, so I said,
"You lose, you idiot!"
Nailed it.
Si! Good job. Wow.
I can't believe how
fast you picked that up.
I don't know what just happened.
Hey, word to your mother.
Maybe I can get you
up onstage or something.
You never know, I mean that
could be your big debut right there.
Aw, I wish we could see that.
But we gotta get the
kids to Lynchburg.
All right, look, hey, I'll have
your people call my people.
- I'll just text you.
- No, I don't have a cell phone.
Put 'em in their spots.
- You're right here.
- I'm right here?
Okay.
- Get out of the scene.
- We ready?
The princess cries.
Roll. Take one.
First shot, Jess, you
just start going, "Help!"
Thou shalt not pass.
Not yet. I need this three-shot.
What?
- I might kick you on accident.
- Go. Go, go.
Help! Help, Assassin! Save me!
- Okay. Okay.
- Was it not believable?
What are we doing?
My bad, forgot
to press "record."
I want this movie
to be great for River,
but I think it's about time
for Jep to take it down a notch
on the whole director thing.
- Help! Help!
- You'll never get away!
- Save me!
- You'll never get away!
Good. Good.
It's not like we're
professional actors.
Especially Phil.
I'm not sure if he even knows
what's going on right now.
- Ready. Go.
- Thou shalt not pass.
Not yet, Dad.
I think it's about time
for Spielberg Robertson
to wrap it up before I
lose all feeling in my arms.
- Does that hat stink?
- Gross!
- And so I can slap Martin.
- Cut!
- How ridiculous.
- All right, moving on.
All right, so we're on break?
We got about three
more scenes to shoot.
Thou shalt not pass.
Hold on, Dad, I hadn't
started recording yet.
Where is our house?
- I think that's it.
- Well, like, the rest of it.
It looks like a bunker.
Marriage is like a house.
Yep.
Now that John Luke is married
and graduated high school,
he's officially leaving
boyhood and entering manhood.
I mean, where are we gonna stay?
We're all supposed to stay here.
There's not even a bathroom.
We got leaves and stuff, so...
Gross.
Which is why Korie
and I left it up to him
to set up his new house just
outside of the Liberty campus.
The e-mail said
it should be here.
John, did you know it
wasn't gonna be done?
- You can read the e-mail.
- Let me see.
It's not here.
- It said the house would be delivered.
- They have to put it together.
- I don't get it.
- It's not. Yeah, it...
This is gonna be a while.
On the bright side, we don't have
to help him move in and decorate.
School starts, like, very
soon. We don't have a house.
- What are we gonna do?
- We can just live on love.
No, we need a house.
But we should probably revisit the
whole "entering into manhood" talk.
- All you need's a good, strong tarp.
- Jase.
This'll probably
be the best thing
that ever happened
to your marriage.
No, but they're newlyweds.
They need a few little luxuries.
We could just stay in
the piece that's here.
We're not living
here. There's bears.
If a bear shows up,
kill him and eat him.
And then tan his fur
and use it for a garment.
- Yeah!
- No, that no.
Look at the view.
Look at the woods.
You can live off the land here.
That's okay for a night,
but I have a feeling
this might be a while.
No, no, hey, a bear
that weighs 400 pounds,
you can eat on him
for about a month.
Not with no
refrigerator, you can't.
Oh, yeah, salt him down.
Mary Kate's a brand-new
Robertson. We gotta ease her in.
She married a Robertson.
Hey, the girl already
knew what she was in for.
All right, look, maybe
we just go see if we can
find a condo or
something by the school.
Let this finish. It's just
like my own marriage.
The house is
something you care for.
Actually, this has nothing,
I mean, 'cause this wasn't,
this was just poorly planned.
- It was a miscommunication.
- There you go.
- It was a miscommunication.
- I misread the e-mail, I'm sorry.
So next time, before
we drive 1,500 miles,
we need to know more
about where we're going.
That's right.
Communicate next time
before we take this road trip.
All right, everybody
know what they're doing?
Godwin, you remember your line?
- Huh?
- Whatever.
All right, let's do our slate.
Take four!
- Lilly.
- Action!
I'm the President
of the United States,
and, Assassin, you need
to go save the princess.
You're not the President.
You're just a girl.
- Hey. Stick to the script, okay, kids.
- What you talkin' about?
Okay, now I'm
gonna go save Mama.
No, we're not saving Mama.
We're saving the princess, okay?
I'm here to save the princess.
You'll never find the princess!
Oh! Oh! Ow! Ow!
Shoot him with your laser guns.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
The man said "wait."
I caught him. What?
There's two of you, it
doesn't make sense.
There's two of me?
Yeah, you gotta throw
it out and not be seen.
Let me switch it to slow-mo.
- Okay.
- Action!
Ahh!
There goes that dummy.
- Your head fell off.
- And your pants slid down.
No!
That was terrible.
You ever think about
how something's gonna
look in your head, and then
you try to make it happen,
and it goes nothing
like what you imagined?
That is basically
my entire experience
of trying to make
this movie today.
Is this dummy
supposed to be Godwin?
Well, it was the best
thing we could find
on such short notice.
He's way too skinny.
That's not enough.
Well, you know, the
camera adds ten pounds.
Yeah, we need to
add a hundred pounds.
We're talking about Godwin
here. He's really, really fat.
He's right up there.
Good job, Godwin.
It's like having a
five-year-old try to draw you.
He might get a few things right.
But in the end, a
bunch of squiggly lines,
some jacked-up eyes,
and one leg's way
longer than the other one.
Plus his pants fell down,
and it's showing
off his little shimmy.
- It's just weird-looking.
- He is weird.
And the head has
to explode on contact.
It's the whole
point of the scene.
That is Godwin's
prop double right now.
It's a jacked-up mess.
Take six.
I think we're gonna have
to do another take of that.
- Take seven.
- Go.
No!
Reset.
No!
Reset.
- No!
- Cut!
It's like no matter how many
times we drop it from the roof,
we just can't put
it out of its misery.
All right, let's reset.
- Come on, back to one.
- Here's your arm.
- You'll pay for this, Assassin!
- Grab his head!
Take him back inside.
I'll get a part of his head.
- Let's do it again.
- Ew, gross.
- Uh-oh, I broke something.
- See ya, Dad.
Or should I say director?
I'm gonna tell you a
little bit about Liberty.
We've got, 14,500 students
that take classes here on campus,
- and we've also got...
- How long is this tour?
Well, to see everything
that Liberty has to offer,
we usually spend about
three hours on a tour.
Three-hour tour.
Well, we can't do
no three-hour tour.
What do you mean?
Hey, haven't you ever
seen Gilligan's Island?
What?
- No.
- I apologize for him.
Hey, look, don't apologize.
That's a sign of weakness.
Hey, look, let me tell
you something, okay?
Education.
That's a total waste
on these young people.
I'd like to learn more
about the school,
so could we just,
like, keep going?
- Sounds good, lead the way.
- Lead the way.
Why do they get
all the good stuff?
Hey, how about get a
job and work for a living?
Okay, we're here to learn
about the campus, so...
- Okay, fine.
- What about y'all?
Do y'all have any more questions
that you wanna ask them?
I got a question. Is there
a phone in every room?
Everyone has cell phones.
Except me.
You might find
this hard to believe.
But, hey, yours truly, I
never graduated from college.
- Can I bring Sweet Pea with me?
- Who's Sweet Pea?
That's my cat.
She probably couldn't
live in the dorm.
No pets?
But, hey, if I go
back to college...
It's party time!
Hey, y'all got a taco here?
A taco?
Yeah.
- A single taco?
- Yeah, a single taco.
You sure it eats tacos?
Sweet Pea will eat anything.
He's like a goat.
- Can you tell me a...
- What about an ice machine?
- Can you take him somewhere, please?
- That way, I can go from
from building to building
when I need a ice refill.
I'm not sure if you could
bring your tea to class.
Oh, no, no.
- That's it, he's out.
- No, I ain't out.
This goes where I go.
All right, Si, it's looking
like you're not gonna
be able to be a student here.
It's looking trouble for
this university, okay?
All right, how about this?
Y'all keep going with the tour, and
me and Si will meet you at the end.
That sounds like
an awesome idea.
Good idea.
All right, well, we'll see
y'all at the end of the tour.
If there's any paperwork to do,
y'all do the paperwork to admit me.
I'm going with them.
Well, I'll show you
the residence halls.
Thank you so much.
Have y'all got any open
mic nights around here?
- We sure do.
- It's party time!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- And your name?
- Korie.
- Korie, we talked on the phone.
- Yes, nice to meet you.
- Hi, John Luke.
- John Luke, hey.
- Mary Kate.
- Mary Kate, hey.
- Hey, I'm Willie.
- Will, hey. My name's Obey.
I'm the resident assistant here
on the Residential Commons One.
So because John Luke and
Mary Kate's home is not ready yet
and they literally
have nowhere to stay,
we are checking out the
dorm situation on campus.
- Did you say "Obey"?
- Yes.
We almost named
John Luke, "Trust."
- Obey.
- Mm-hmm.
You would think Willie
would be on his best behavior,
considering this is John
Luke starting a new school,
making new friends, trying to
find a place to actually live, but no.
It would be actually strange
if he made it the whole day
without embarrassing his son.
One of our rooms isn't ready.
We have another room available,
if you guys wanna check that out.
We'd love, we'd
love to check it out.
I will obey what you say, Obey.
- All right. Let's do it.
- What do you say?
I just hope we
can find something
for John Luke and Mary
Kate on such short notice.
Preferably something
with a roof, and walls.
Oh, this is great.
This is awesome.
Look at this fancy thing.
I don't even think
I could fit in that.
A little small.
Two beds, bunk-style.
We have two desks,
two dressers, two closets.
Do you not have
any rooms that have,
like, a queen bed
or a full bed or...
No, it's usually just the twin.
Do sometimes people,
like, sleep two to a bed?
Yeah, like two spoons
fit in the tray like that.
Not usually, guys are not...
Mary Kate, maybe
y'all could just bring
the mattresses down
and put them on the floor.
That way, y'all
could sleep together.
Sleep together?
Wait, wait, wait.
We really can't have
coed living on this floor.
- So... So, like...
- So...
Wait, is this just
for girls or boys?
This is for boys, only.
Moving off to college
was supposed to be
John Luke and Mary Kate's first big
step towards being full-fledged adults.
Unfortunately, John
Luke blew this one.
- We're married.
- Yeah.
- So they can't both stay here?
- No.
Unless Mary Kate wants
to get a short haircut
and wear some dude clothes,
I got be honest, I got nothing.
Yeah, this is just for two guys.
- Have you ever seen She's the Man?
- No!
But John Luke is a man now.
He should be able
to figure this out.
Do I look like a guy?
I mean, it wouldn't be perfect,
but, I mean, you could pass.
John Luke!
And I should really stop
overestimating John Luke.
This is not gonna work.
It's not gonna work.
Thank you for your help.
Okay, thanks, guys, I'm sorry.
I cannot believe you were
gonna turn me into a boy.
You would've been a hot guy.
John Luke!
Good job, buddy.
- All right, guys.
- Power up.
This is the finale.
This is the fireworks.
This is where Jean-Claude
Van Damme goes,
"A-a-a-a-a-a!"
Aah!
- In Bloodsport?
- Oh, yeah.
Remember that guy
threw that stuff in his eyes?
- Remember that...
- Chong Li.
- Oh, Chong Li?
- Yeah.
Kumite.
Does everybody kind
of know your roles?
Mom, you're the
first one to die.
You gotta think,
like, Shakespearian.
I'm gonna melt.
That's the difference.
Well, you just, just die.
Just do it kind of
naturally. Just let it flow out.
You can cry if you want.
Well, I should've been a
good person, I'm not that evil.
Mom, but he wanted
you to be evil, you know.
Okay. I'll try.
Put a little effort
into it for his birthday.
Okay.
- You just look crazy.
- Well, that...
But that's kind of good.
Kind of evil, too, crazy woman.
Martin, what do you got?
I've got a question.
Is the Assassin gonna
attack the director
and take his pants back?
Don't be talking about my pants.
Martin, River's gonna
punch you in the gut.
- What?
- Gut shot.
I used to shoot
the hunting videos
for Duck Commander
back in the day,
so I know how to
shoot a story and ducks.
Dad, you got the
one line, remember?
What do you say? "You can't."
- Thou shalt...
- No entry.
Don't go down this road.
Thou shalt not pass.
Thou shalt not pass.
That's close.
But this is like trying
to put together a puzzle
with pieces that
don't quite fit together.
Or listen to you when
you tell them what to do.
Road closed.
No unauthorized
personnel beyond this point.
Wrong way.
Do not enter.
- Seats taken.
- Thou shalt not pass.
All right, let's move on.
Nonetheless, it's
still your job to put
the puzzle together,
and hopefully in the end,
it somehow resembles the
picture on the front of the box.
Or at least resemble something.
- All right, we ready?
- Yeah.
Ready? Action!
Quit playing with the dog!
Save me, Assassin!
Yes, awesome.
You're so cute. You're darling.
Mom, you can't
tell him he's cute.
You got to be
like, "You dirty rat."
You dirty rat.
- That's close.
- You're the dirty rat.
You're the rat.
- Oh, boy...
- Okay, that was a weird...
- No entry beyond this point.
- Freeze, wizard!
Hold on, we got to
do one more take.
Dad, this is the final line.
I believe in you.
Bub, you ready?
Action!
Thou shalt not pass.
Freeze!
Oh, I think I got a cramp.
Whoops, may not be.
- Oh, yes!
- Oh, he's down.
He's down. Good death.
Victory!
Help me! Help me, bub.
Help me, Assassin.
You're the best assassin
in the whole wide world.
- Run, River. Get it over with.
- Good job.
Hurry. Hurry.
This is taking forever.
All right, guys. We
could do that better.
One more take.
- No.
- We're out.
Thou shalt not do
any more takes.
All right, good. Y'all
get the tents set up.
- Kids are in the tents.
- Adults in the RV.
Wait, could I stay in the RV?
I'll just sleep in a
chair or something.
All right. Sadie, you
can sleep in the RV.
- That's all we got room for.
- Sweet..
No, I get the couch.
No, Si, you're not
sleeping in the RV.
All right, then I'll take
one of the captain's chairs.
Either the passenger
or the driver.
No, Si, you're not
sleeping in the RV.
- Well, he's an adult.
- I'm an adult.
No, you sleepwalk and you snore.
And don't forget
about the night terrors.
So that basically makes
you the triple threat
of all sleep disorders,
so you're out.
Fine. I'll sleep out here
in the great outdoors
and be the pioneer of the
Robertson family, okay?
- Me and the bears.
- Perfect.
Like, for real, bears?
Yeah, for real, bears.
Like, you really
think there are bears?
There are bears around here.
- There are bears here.
- They're bears.
I'm not afraid to get
eaten by a bear, okay?
As long as Willie's
with us, hey,
all the rest of us
have nothing to fear.
'Cause, look, hey, that's a
dinner bell standing, ringing, okay?
Look, hey, I'm gonna tell
you. You're all safe, okay?
We got the prime
rib over here, okay?
The bear will choose
him first, trust me.
Okay, boys.
Okay...
Getting mauled by a bear, okay?
Now, that's an
entirely different story.
Oh, he'll tear you up
something fierce, okay?
He'll probably even kill you.
John Luke ain't got no
problem either. He's skinny.
But he probably won't eat you.
I'm starving. We
got some hot dogs?
We got some food.
All right, I'll get the food
I should've known you
brought food everywhere you go.
He's got baked beans
and marshmallows.
And I guarantee
somewhere in there,
he's got some ice cream
stored away somewhere.
We've got good, fresh
beans hot off the grill.
And I say so myself...
they're pretty good.
I'm not gonna test that out.
Si, I'm not putting anything
inside my body that you have
handled, looked at, or touched.
These are gourmet
here, I'm telling you.
What are we gonna
do about a house?
Well, I think we got an idea.
We're gonna leave the RV here,
and you guys can live
in it, 'til the house is built.
And we're gonna fly home.
Boy, this is really gonna
help your marriage.
Sometimes you
need a little adversity.
What doesn't kill you,
makes you stronger.
But if you die,
all bets are off.
Okay, you're not helping.
- What do you mean?
- I think we can do it.
You pretty much
have no other choice.
Now we have time, we can stop
back to Nashville and see Colt's show.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Who's in?
I'm in.
John Luke, you're gonna
drive us to the airport,
and then you can
come back, set it all up.
All right, boys. Let's
leave this dump.
Si, this is not a dump.
This is John Luke
and Mary Kate's house.
Well, I mean, hey, it was
a figure of speech okay?
Si.
Royal Flush.
Now, look, I got some
friends of mine in the house.
Duck Commander is in
the house tonight, baby.
Willie, these people
wanna see you up here!
Y'all make some noise!
What's going on?
- What's up?
- So I'm gonna tell y'all something.
Si said he wants to be
in the record business.
He even got a new
name for himself.
He loves playing cards, y'all,
so he calls himself Royal Flush.
Y'all make some
noise for Royal Flush!
Right here! Right here,
the big flop himself!
I'm gonna just let
you do your thing.
I'll be back here.
Look here, okay?
I normally sing, but in
honor of this man right here,
I'm gonna try to rap.
I think you got it.
Cue up that music, boys!
♪ Hey, my name is Royal Flush
♪ And, look, they call
me that because, look
♪ I'm a poker-playing
fiend and king
♪ The dealer deals out two cards
♪ Cut Mr. Fives
Si's been going on and
on about his music career
for the entire trip, and
now that he's on stage,
I have to admit, he's got
some sort of watchable quality,
like a car wreck on
the side of the road.
♪ The flop hit the board
♪ It's ace, ace, queen
I guess sometimes you
just have to slow down
and listen to a senior citizen
rap about a poker hand.
♪ Royal Flush,
he's got ace, queen
♪ And done flop
the stone-cold nut
I may regret this,
but I also don't want
to hear about it for
the rest of my life.
- Dance for 'em one time.
- Hey.
Show 'em. Look out, Jack.
Ohh, shake it, baby, shake it!
Oh, my goodness!
Look at them legs!
- I'm done.
- All right.
Look here, Royal Flush out.
Well, thanks, everybody.
I wanna thank y'all for
participating in the movie,
and just, you know,
supporting the arts.
- I thought it was River's movie.
- Yeah, me too.
We did something really
cool that River will remember
the rest of his
life, I know I will.
And, you know, I think
he had a great director.
A humble one.
I'd like to kind of
give a special thanks
to the people who's inspired me.
Steven Spielberg.
Oh, okay.
Any Denzel
movie, I love 'em all.
- JCVD.
- Who's that?
Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Bloodsport. I
mean, that's really.
I think that's really kind of
what inspired this whole thing.
What about us? Your
kids, your mom and dad?
You guys did pretty good.
But, I mean, Chong Li was,
like, the best bad guy ever.
Kumite.
I'm proud of everybody that worked
on this movie today, especially myself.
I'd like you to sit back
and enjoy the director's cut.
It's just a home movie.
The Assassin.
You taking this thing to
Sundance or something?
If anybody doesn't like it,
they're just not sophisticated.
Because this movie
is freakin' awesome.
Mostly due to an
awesome writer and director.
And my family did an okay job.
Jep, we knew you had it.
I've told myself
that many a nights.
When you were younger,
we thought it was just weird.
Thank you, Dad.
Whoo!
This is like the
regulation viewing, ain't it?
Here we go.
Duh-duh-duh-duh.
Why have you
got it in the future?
Somebody used their thesaurus.
"A devastating nuclear war
has left the human race under..."
Ohh.
At what point was I a robot?
This is a Ring movie.
"The super-hot princess."
It's so stupid.
He's still got words coming up.
"Hyper-karate."
"Hyper-karate." I made that up.
Did you film any action?
Laser punches.
How much writing, is this it?
Are you gonna show the
footage, or is this a novel?
Hey, son, you
gotta build up your...
- Still writin'.
- Oh, boy.
Ready?
"The Assassin!"
That's what it says.
And that just hits you
in the teeth right there.
Help! Help, Assassin!
You're the only one
that can save me!
- He can't save you now?
- Help!
You'll never get away!
You'll never get away.
You're never getting away!
What's up with your voice?
Help!
I'm the President
of the United States,
and, Assassin, you need
to go save the princess.
I need to save the princess.
You'll never find the princess!
Oh, laser beams.
Yes, give me five.
You've dropped
your pants, Godwin.
This is PG-13 right here.
That's all of him, poor fella.
Oh, there he is.
Oh, there goes the white goatee.
No!
No, don't pick it up.
His head!
This is where it gets
graphic. Shut your eyes, Mom.
You'll pay for this, Assassin.
Oh, the brains went everywhere.
Did you hear that sound effect?
Oh, it was awesome.
- Hero shot.
- Look at this.
Oh, there's your hero.
Oh, good grief.
And, oh, look at that.
I wish I could do a
cartwheel like that.
Whoo!
You dirty rat!
You dirty rat!
Super punch!
He missed on that one.
I'm melting!
Come on, Assassin,
save the princess!
You're next.
Oh, no.
Bring it, Assassin!
Ohh!
- Thou shalt not pass.
- Freeze!
Yes!
Look, he's frozen!
Help me, Assassin.
Watch your super speed, buddy.
You're so fast, River!
Thanks, Assassin, for saving me!
I love you.
You nailed them
when they were down.
Nice job, buddy.
Everything is Jep Robertson.
And Jep, "Based on a dream."
I thought it was River's dream.
The stars of the show
are the last thing you see.
Oh, yeah, by the
way, these guys.
These guys were here.
All I can say is,
"You're welcome."
For what? You're welcome.
We helped you make this.
At least I don't have to worry
about being in the sequel.
Thanks, Dad.
It was more writing than
it was picture showing.
- What did you think?
- It was awesome.
Thank you, buddy.
That's who matters, right here.
His very own movie.
I think we should
watch it again.
Yay!
I second that Merritt.
Go past all that reading part.
Lord, we thank you
so much for River,
who's a great kid, great
son, and a good brother.
Lord, I also pray for John
Luke and Mary Kate traveling.
Bub, you say your prayer.
Dear God, thank you
for my friends, Amen.
- Amen.
- One, two, three.
Happy birthday!
Let's get on this doggone pizza.
We've been fortunate as a family
to have the chance
to take part in so much.
From hunting trips to concerts,
we've really been blessed
with some unique experiences.
But seeing my own
son grow up, get married,
and start college is really all
a proud father could ask for.
And while I'll always
be there for him,
I look forward to seeing
how he does on his own,
hopefully with a fully constructed
home in the near future.
I call a toast. To good living.
Living off love.
And beans.
you're going to college.
It seems like you just
got out of high school.
Kay, he did just get
out of high school.
He's onto bigger
and better things.
I don't know about bigger and
better, but he's going onto other things.
- We're gonna miss him.
- Yep.
The time has finally come
to send John Luke to college,
so we're hitting the road
tomorrow to take him and his wife
to their new home in Virginia.
Little Simba. Seemed like yesterday,
I was holding you up like this.
Aw.
Dad, that was yesterday.
Was it?
These kids grow up so fast.
I just kind of wish
they were staying
a little closer to home
than Liberty University.
Before long, you'll be having
kids, teaching them stuff.
All right, Mr. Memory
Lane, I need a burger.
All right.
- Good talk, John Luke.
- I'm hungry.
I mean, Virginia's,
like, a 14-hour drive.
That's a long time to be
in an RV with your family.
Especially my family.
So let's get this straight. What
time are we leaving to Nashville?
We're leaving at six o'clock.
We're going to Nashville?
- No, "we're" not going.
- Tomorrow?
- You're not going.
- We're going.
What are you talking
about? No, y'all gotta take me.
We're taking John Luke
and Mary Kate to Liberty.
I know, that's fine.
We're going to Liberty
so Cole can see it,
and we're visiting Nashville to
check on Reed in his new place.
And meet up with my buddy, Colt.
Then, hey, you gotta take me.
- Because look...
- Si.
I'm learning how
to play the guitar.
And I'm fixin' to
become a rock star.
- Si.
- Okay, I'm gonna knock
Nashville's socks off.
Whoa.
Si, you've been playing
the guitar for like two weeks.
I know it, but I'm good already.
Look, guys, there's
different phases of life.
You're a kid, you're an
adult, and then you're old.
Hey, I'm not afraid to
say it. I'm at the old part.
We can book him in at all
the nursing homes in the area.
Hey...
You gotta be good
at nursing homes.
You'd be out in the
nursing home circuit.
Y'all gonna regret saying
that when I'm a star.
The man wants to be
a rock star, come on.
Look, it's my last shot, boys.
I can get killed by a comet
tomorrow, you never know.
Gettin' old ain't that bad.
'Cause number one, I don't
care what anybody else thinks.
I'm at that age. All right?
Just give me a chance.
That's all I'm saying.
- Y'all going to Nashville anyway.
- Fine!
It's fine, but be prepared to carry
some boxes when we get to Virginia,
'cause that's the
main thing we're doing.
I'll help you unload
John Luke and Mary Kate.
- Si, you're going to Nashville.
- There you go, all right.
- He's in.
- That's settled.
Look out, Nashville!
Silas Merritt Robertson
is coming to town,
and old age is coming with him!
Attention, everybody.
Was gonna give a little speech
for John Luke and Mary Kate.
So they're heading off
to school happily married.
And we'll be driving a
truck up there with Si now.
6:00 a.m.
I'll see y'all at the
butt crack of dawn.
Great, Si.
All right, so we want
to end with a toast.
To John Luke and Mary Kate.
- Cheerio.
- Hear, hear!
So you wanna be
a rock star, huh?
I got a face for music, buddy.
Si, you got a face
for radio, I believe.
Happy Birthday.
You're seven today.
Uh-huh.
When the rest of the family
gets back from their trip,
we're gonna do a
big birthday party.
But today we're gonna
celebrate with just us.
- Jep, you blew it out!
- No, I didn't.
I can't believe our baby boy,
River, is seven years old today.
What do you wanna do
for your birthday, buddy?
I wanna eat the cake.
It seems like yesterday
I was holding that
little peanut in my arms,
and now he's so grown up.
Do you want to maybe
go skating or bowling?
No.
We're gonna have, like, a
really big blowout next weekend.
But today's his actual birthday,
so we're gonna do a
little something special.
I wanna make a superhero movie.
Or we can just do something
completely weird and random.
I showed him some of my
old Duck Commander movies.
Like hunting DVDs, maybe?
I wanna be the Assassin.
I've never heard
of that superhero.
Well, he's a new one.
Is he good, or a bad person?
- He's just a complicated person.
- So he murders people? Uh-uh.
He does what he has to do
to get paid and to do good.
Assassin!
This will be fun!
Yay!
Tomorrow, we make a
movie called Assassin.
- Assassin.
- You are definitely my son.
You came from my loins.
Inappropriate.
- Smile, Willie.
- Si, I'm driving.
- Smile!
- I can't smile.
All right, pick up!
- Punch!
- We there?
- Stop.
- I need a bathroom.
Oh, great.
- I ain't pulling over.
- Hey, it's unsafe for me
to try to walk back
to the bathroom.
Okay? It's dangerous.
He's got a point.
Not only, not only for myself,
it's dangerous for
those that I'm walking by.
- Oh, great.
- Okay? You gonna pull over or not?
No, I'm not pulling over.
I guess I'm gonna
have to use my teacup.
- That's disgusting.
- So all the women close their eyes.
What?
There's a sign that says,
"School's starting.
School for all ages."
And it's open.
This is my dad on trips,
reading all the signs.
He reads every sign.
Si, you don't have to read
every sign that we pass.
That was a good one back there.
Civil War Trail?
Huh, and there's a
cannon on top of the hill.
Pennsylvania Avenue.
Ford Avenue.
Broadway.
Yep.
Are we having fun
yet on this road trip?
Right, that's what
I'm talking about.
This place looks great.
A very, um, Si-like store.
Yeah.
Ooh.
Y'all know the statement,
"The clothes make the man?"
Hey.
We've hit the
mother lode, buddy!
Five minutes into Nashville,
and Korie and Sadie
have already found a
clothing store to check out.
But it's not them
I'm worried about.
It's ZZ Flop and his big dreams.
Jackpot!
Hurry up, we gotta go see Colt.
Si with ambition is like
Gollum with his precious.
It's unpredictable
and kind of creepy.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah. Here we go.
Yeah, all right!
I'm gonna try on a
few things real quick.
Basically, I'm just trying
to keep from spending
my entire trip in
Nashville on Si's delusions.
It's like my two worst
things in the world.
Trying on clothes and then
stuck with Si, combined.
Oh, look, hey, you
can't expect nothing
from somebody
that ain't an artist.
Knucklehead!
Okay, boys.
Look, camo pants are gone.
Uh-huh. Yep. Okay.
- That is disturbing.
- Disturbing? Hey!
- Watch your mouth.
- You have the tiniest calves
- I've ever seen in my life.
- Oh, shut up!
Now I know why
you don't wear shorts.
It's just two bones.
Oh, hush!
- Si, hurry up. We gotta go.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey!
Si, I'm fixin' to leave, right?
And we're leaving
you in this store.
- Willie.
- Hey, you can't rush sexy, son.
Most men, when
they get my age, okay,
and they hit their
midlife crisises,
the next thing, you
know, they lose their mind.
Hey, but if you ask me, okay,
I'm fixin' to hit life's sweet spot.
I'm ordering me about five to
ten thousand dollars' worth of stuff
and charge it to you.
Si, I told you I was
spending $100, that's it.
Hey, the socks I
got on cost $100.
I'm like a caterpillar
fixin' to enter its cocoon.
And then, voila!
Next thing you see,
I'm a beautiful butterfly
with the voice of an angel,
okay and the guitar
skills of Stevie Vay Ron.
Okay, I'm near ready, boys.
I'll be cooler than the
other side of the pillow.
I like it.
Come on.
Come on up here.
I don't like it.
This trip could transform
my life and music, okay,
as we know it, forever.
All right, what do ya think?
- It's a little bit too flashy.
- What?
But not in a good way flashy.
It might be a little overkill.
You look like a
cartoon character.
It needs a little more pizzazz.
Interesting shirt. Let's
go with no camo pants.
O-kay.
You already tried that on.
I don't support lunacy.
God!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Oh, yeah. This is the one.
Okay. Here we go. Look here.
The man formerly known
as Si no longer exists.
- Nice.
- Love it.
I like it.
Perfect.
Now you're looking
at the Royal Flush.
I like it.
Hey, Willie, you do have
your credit card, right?
Si, no.
Put it on the credit card.
So, exactly what are
we doing here, Jeppico?
That's a great question,
and as the director,
I can answer that.
We are making a movie for River
for his birthday entitled The Assassin.
- What?
- Basically, the movie is,
an evil wizard will
capture the princess
using foul henchmen,
and River, The Assassin,
rescues the princess.
What?
I'm super pumped
about River's movie.
As you can see,
I have this. Cool.
It's gonna be like a
low-budget passion project,
'cause I really don't
have the resources
to do anything else.
Everybody's got a part.
Dad, you'll be
playing the evil wizard.
You guys are henchmen.
Sort of like I'm
coaching a football team
with some tennis players.
They're all about their
rackets and their fuzzy balls.
They're not into pigskins, helmets,
knocking people's heads off.
Mom, you're a wizardess.
Priscilla will be
playing the president.
- Whoo!
- Hello.
These are my assistants.
- I need some water.
- Quiet on the set, people.
Hey, but I'll take
what I can get,
which is pretty much the C-team.
My smoking hot, beautiful
wife is the princess.
I would say D, but I got
a thing for the princess.
All right, Dad.
This is your staff.
You got one line.
- My heebie-jeebie stick.
- That's actually your staff.
- Looks more like a broom, doesn't it?
- You basically, you got one line.
- "Thou shalt not pass."
- "You're on the wrong road."
- "Thou shalt not pass."
- "Don't go down that road," I got it.
"Thou shalt not pass."
It's a good line.
- Pass.
- Pass.
- Pass.
- Pass.
All right, and now, please
welcome River, The Assassin.
Everybody clap.
Do your cartwheel.
Do your round-off.
Man, I got chills.
- That's what Mama's talkin' about.
- That was pretty good.
Are you an assassin
or a cheerleader?
- Shut up!
- Shut up.
Oh, he'll get
you later for that.
Easy. Easy.
- Y'all ready to make the movie?
- He don't have super powers.
- Get him, Assassin!
- River of pain!
He's a mean one.
Colt, this is awesome,
man. So the video's out?
Cut 'em all, Jack.
It's worldwide, man.
Oh, man, that's awesome.
- It's unbelievable.
- Good?
People are going crazy.
You did good, too, man.
Might be another
music career for you.
I don't think I'll
quit my day job.
Speaking about
quitting a day job,
I'm thinking about
getting into the music biz.
What's your artist
name gonna be?
Is it gonna be Si?
In Nashville, I'm gonna be
known as the "Royal Flush."
The Royal Flush.
Why the Royal Flush?
Because I like poker.
There's been way
worse ideas than that,
I'll be honest with you.
There you go.
We're in my buddy Colt's
studio, and Si's wasting no time
trying to kick-start
his music career.
Si, you look like a dead guy.
Hey, look, I'm networking
here, son, okay.
Look, I'm all for Si
pursuing his dreams.
I just wish his dream was
something a little more realistic.
Me and you are
down like four flat tires.
Oh, oh, right to the bottom.
I'm not trying to be mean,
but Si is a little past his prime.
And that's putting it gently.
I mean, the man can't
even tell a full story
without totally losing
his train of thought
or taking a bathroom break.
Hey, y'all two like
music. What do you think?
- Si, you'll be just like T-Swizzle.
- That's what I was thinking.
Keith Wiggle?
T-Swizzle.
Taylor Swift.
Taylor Swift? Who is he?
You have a lot to learn
about your new industry, Si.
The music industry ain't exactly a
business where old men become stars.
When's the last time
you can remember
a 66-year-old guy winning
Best New Artist of the Year?
Never.
I just had just a
brainstorm, okay?
Look, Royal Flush, okay?
And here's the new album,
Rhinestone is the New Black.
That ain't bad. Let's see, uh...
♪ They call me Si, y'all
♪ I spit that country grammar
♪ I drink that sweet tea
♪ Grew up in Louisiana
♪ I'm like the poker king
♪ They call me Royal Flush
♪ I spit that country grammar
♪ So, Willie, just hush ♪
- How about that?
- There you go.
All right, so I did that.
Now you do, do what I just did.
Hey, look, this rapping thing,
it's easier than I thought, okay?
It's just, you know,
you're telling a story.
Look, the other night,
we're at Jase's house, okay.
We deal the cards out, okay.
I got pocket tens.
Jase has got pocket jacks.
Hey, he raises me 50.
I bump him a hundo.
Okay, the other two
knuckleheads in the hand,
they fold because they can't
stand the heat in the kitchen.
Okay, Jase gets up and says,
"I've got to go
to the restroom."
- Wait.
- I said, "Hold it.
"The hand is going on,
and you can't do that, okay?
- Play your cards."
- Is this a song?
Are you describing
a actual poker game?
Well, this is a song but it
was actually a poker game, too.
Okay.
- Okay, this is real.
- I mean, you may be onto something.
- Oh, no. This is real, okay?
- Okay, I'm sorry.
Keep going. Go, go, go.
Hey, even Colt Ford couldn't
keep up with my rhymes.
Okay, we waited till the river,
and Jase says, "I'm all in."
I flopped a set
of tens, so I said,
"You lose, you idiot!"
Nailed it.
Si! Good job. Wow.
I can't believe how
fast you picked that up.
I don't know what just happened.
Hey, word to your mother.
Maybe I can get you
up onstage or something.
You never know, I mean that
could be your big debut right there.
Aw, I wish we could see that.
But we gotta get the
kids to Lynchburg.
All right, look, hey, I'll have
your people call my people.
- I'll just text you.
- No, I don't have a cell phone.
Put 'em in their spots.
- You're right here.
- I'm right here?
Okay.
- Get out of the scene.
- We ready?
The princess cries.
Roll. Take one.
First shot, Jess, you
just start going, "Help!"
Thou shalt not pass.
Not yet. I need this three-shot.
What?
- I might kick you on accident.
- Go. Go, go.
Help! Help, Assassin! Save me!
- Okay. Okay.
- Was it not believable?
What are we doing?
My bad, forgot
to press "record."
I want this movie
to be great for River,
but I think it's about time
for Jep to take it down a notch
on the whole director thing.
- Help! Help!
- You'll never get away!
- Save me!
- You'll never get away!
Good. Good.
It's not like we're
professional actors.
Especially Phil.
I'm not sure if he even knows
what's going on right now.
- Ready. Go.
- Thou shalt not pass.
Not yet, Dad.
I think it's about time
for Spielberg Robertson
to wrap it up before I
lose all feeling in my arms.
- Does that hat stink?
- Gross!
- And so I can slap Martin.
- Cut!
- How ridiculous.
- All right, moving on.
All right, so we're on break?
We got about three
more scenes to shoot.
Thou shalt not pass.
Hold on, Dad, I hadn't
started recording yet.
Where is our house?
- I think that's it.
- Well, like, the rest of it.
It looks like a bunker.
Marriage is like a house.
Yep.
Now that John Luke is married
and graduated high school,
he's officially leaving
boyhood and entering manhood.
I mean, where are we gonna stay?
We're all supposed to stay here.
There's not even a bathroom.
We got leaves and stuff, so...
Gross.
Which is why Korie
and I left it up to him
to set up his new house just
outside of the Liberty campus.
The e-mail said
it should be here.
John, did you know it
wasn't gonna be done?
- You can read the e-mail.
- Let me see.
It's not here.
- It said the house would be delivered.
- They have to put it together.
- I don't get it.
- It's not. Yeah, it...
This is gonna be a while.
On the bright side, we don't have
to help him move in and decorate.
School starts, like, very
soon. We don't have a house.
- What are we gonna do?
- We can just live on love.
No, we need a house.
But we should probably revisit the
whole "entering into manhood" talk.
- All you need's a good, strong tarp.
- Jase.
This'll probably
be the best thing
that ever happened
to your marriage.
No, but they're newlyweds.
They need a few little luxuries.
We could just stay in
the piece that's here.
We're not living
here. There's bears.
If a bear shows up,
kill him and eat him.
And then tan his fur
and use it for a garment.
- Yeah!
- No, that no.
Look at the view.
Look at the woods.
You can live off the land here.
That's okay for a night,
but I have a feeling
this might be a while.
No, no, hey, a bear
that weighs 400 pounds,
you can eat on him
for about a month.
Not with no
refrigerator, you can't.
Oh, yeah, salt him down.
Mary Kate's a brand-new
Robertson. We gotta ease her in.
She married a Robertson.
Hey, the girl already
knew what she was in for.
All right, look, maybe
we just go see if we can
find a condo or
something by the school.
Let this finish. It's just
like my own marriage.
The house is
something you care for.
Actually, this has nothing,
I mean, 'cause this wasn't,
this was just poorly planned.
- It was a miscommunication.
- There you go.
- It was a miscommunication.
- I misread the e-mail, I'm sorry.
So next time, before
we drive 1,500 miles,
we need to know more
about where we're going.
That's right.
Communicate next time
before we take this road trip.
All right, everybody
know what they're doing?
Godwin, you remember your line?
- Huh?
- Whatever.
All right, let's do our slate.
Take four!
- Lilly.
- Action!
I'm the President
of the United States,
and, Assassin, you need
to go save the princess.
You're not the President.
You're just a girl.
- Hey. Stick to the script, okay, kids.
- What you talkin' about?
Okay, now I'm
gonna go save Mama.
No, we're not saving Mama.
We're saving the princess, okay?
I'm here to save the princess.
You'll never find the princess!
Oh! Oh! Ow! Ow!
Shoot him with your laser guns.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
The man said "wait."
I caught him. What?
There's two of you, it
doesn't make sense.
There's two of me?
Yeah, you gotta throw
it out and not be seen.
Let me switch it to slow-mo.
- Okay.
- Action!
Ahh!
There goes that dummy.
- Your head fell off.
- And your pants slid down.
No!
That was terrible.
You ever think about
how something's gonna
look in your head, and then
you try to make it happen,
and it goes nothing
like what you imagined?
That is basically
my entire experience
of trying to make
this movie today.
Is this dummy
supposed to be Godwin?
Well, it was the best
thing we could find
on such short notice.
He's way too skinny.
That's not enough.
Well, you know, the
camera adds ten pounds.
Yeah, we need to
add a hundred pounds.
We're talking about Godwin
here. He's really, really fat.
He's right up there.
Good job, Godwin.
It's like having a
five-year-old try to draw you.
He might get a few things right.
But in the end, a
bunch of squiggly lines,
some jacked-up eyes,
and one leg's way
longer than the other one.
Plus his pants fell down,
and it's showing
off his little shimmy.
- It's just weird-looking.
- He is weird.
And the head has
to explode on contact.
It's the whole
point of the scene.
That is Godwin's
prop double right now.
It's a jacked-up mess.
Take six.
I think we're gonna have
to do another take of that.
- Take seven.
- Go.
No!
Reset.
No!
Reset.
- No!
- Cut!
It's like no matter how many
times we drop it from the roof,
we just can't put
it out of its misery.
All right, let's reset.
- Come on, back to one.
- Here's your arm.
- You'll pay for this, Assassin!
- Grab his head!
Take him back inside.
I'll get a part of his head.
- Let's do it again.
- Ew, gross.
- Uh-oh, I broke something.
- See ya, Dad.
Or should I say director?
I'm gonna tell you a
little bit about Liberty.
We've got, 14,500 students
that take classes here on campus,
- and we've also got...
- How long is this tour?
Well, to see everything
that Liberty has to offer,
we usually spend about
three hours on a tour.
Three-hour tour.
Well, we can't do
no three-hour tour.
What do you mean?
Hey, haven't you ever
seen Gilligan's Island?
What?
- No.
- I apologize for him.
Hey, look, don't apologize.
That's a sign of weakness.
Hey, look, let me tell
you something, okay?
Education.
That's a total waste
on these young people.
I'd like to learn more
about the school,
so could we just,
like, keep going?
- Sounds good, lead the way.
- Lead the way.
Why do they get
all the good stuff?
Hey, how about get a
job and work for a living?
Okay, we're here to learn
about the campus, so...
- Okay, fine.
- What about y'all?
Do y'all have any more questions
that you wanna ask them?
I got a question. Is there
a phone in every room?
Everyone has cell phones.
Except me.
You might find
this hard to believe.
But, hey, yours truly, I
never graduated from college.
- Can I bring Sweet Pea with me?
- Who's Sweet Pea?
That's my cat.
She probably couldn't
live in the dorm.
No pets?
But, hey, if I go
back to college...
It's party time!
Hey, y'all got a taco here?
A taco?
Yeah.
- A single taco?
- Yeah, a single taco.
You sure it eats tacos?
Sweet Pea will eat anything.
He's like a goat.
- Can you tell me a...
- What about an ice machine?
- Can you take him somewhere, please?
- That way, I can go from
from building to building
when I need a ice refill.
I'm not sure if you could
bring your tea to class.
Oh, no, no.
- That's it, he's out.
- No, I ain't out.
This goes where I go.
All right, Si, it's looking
like you're not gonna
be able to be a student here.
It's looking trouble for
this university, okay?
All right, how about this?
Y'all keep going with the tour, and
me and Si will meet you at the end.
That sounds like
an awesome idea.
Good idea.
All right, well, we'll see
y'all at the end of the tour.
If there's any paperwork to do,
y'all do the paperwork to admit me.
I'm going with them.
Well, I'll show you
the residence halls.
Thank you so much.
Have y'all got any open
mic nights around here?
- We sure do.
- It's party time!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- And your name?
- Korie.
- Korie, we talked on the phone.
- Yes, nice to meet you.
- Hi, John Luke.
- John Luke, hey.
- Mary Kate.
- Mary Kate, hey.
- Hey, I'm Willie.
- Will, hey. My name's Obey.
I'm the resident assistant here
on the Residential Commons One.
So because John Luke and
Mary Kate's home is not ready yet
and they literally
have nowhere to stay,
we are checking out the
dorm situation on campus.
- Did you say "Obey"?
- Yes.
We almost named
John Luke, "Trust."
- Obey.
- Mm-hmm.
You would think Willie
would be on his best behavior,
considering this is John
Luke starting a new school,
making new friends, trying to
find a place to actually live, but no.
It would be actually strange
if he made it the whole day
without embarrassing his son.
One of our rooms isn't ready.
We have another room available,
if you guys wanna check that out.
We'd love, we'd
love to check it out.
I will obey what you say, Obey.
- All right. Let's do it.
- What do you say?
I just hope we
can find something
for John Luke and Mary
Kate on such short notice.
Preferably something
with a roof, and walls.
Oh, this is great.
This is awesome.
Look at this fancy thing.
I don't even think
I could fit in that.
A little small.
Two beds, bunk-style.
We have two desks,
two dressers, two closets.
Do you not have
any rooms that have,
like, a queen bed
or a full bed or...
No, it's usually just the twin.
Do sometimes people,
like, sleep two to a bed?
Yeah, like two spoons
fit in the tray like that.
Not usually, guys are not...
Mary Kate, maybe
y'all could just bring
the mattresses down
and put them on the floor.
That way, y'all
could sleep together.
Sleep together?
Wait, wait, wait.
We really can't have
coed living on this floor.
- So... So, like...
- So...
Wait, is this just
for girls or boys?
This is for boys, only.
Moving off to college
was supposed to be
John Luke and Mary Kate's first big
step towards being full-fledged adults.
Unfortunately, John
Luke blew this one.
- We're married.
- Yeah.
- So they can't both stay here?
- No.
Unless Mary Kate wants
to get a short haircut
and wear some dude clothes,
I got be honest, I got nothing.
Yeah, this is just for two guys.
- Have you ever seen She's the Man?
- No!
But John Luke is a man now.
He should be able
to figure this out.
Do I look like a guy?
I mean, it wouldn't be perfect,
but, I mean, you could pass.
John Luke!
And I should really stop
overestimating John Luke.
This is not gonna work.
It's not gonna work.
Thank you for your help.
Okay, thanks, guys, I'm sorry.
I cannot believe you were
gonna turn me into a boy.
You would've been a hot guy.
John Luke!
Good job, buddy.
- All right, guys.
- Power up.
This is the finale.
This is the fireworks.
This is where Jean-Claude
Van Damme goes,
"A-a-a-a-a-a!"
Aah!
- In Bloodsport?
- Oh, yeah.
Remember that guy
threw that stuff in his eyes?
- Remember that...
- Chong Li.
- Oh, Chong Li?
- Yeah.
Kumite.
Does everybody kind
of know your roles?
Mom, you're the
first one to die.
You gotta think,
like, Shakespearian.
I'm gonna melt.
That's the difference.
Well, you just, just die.
Just do it kind of
naturally. Just let it flow out.
You can cry if you want.
Well, I should've been a
good person, I'm not that evil.
Mom, but he wanted
you to be evil, you know.
Okay. I'll try.
Put a little effort
into it for his birthday.
Okay.
- You just look crazy.
- Well, that...
But that's kind of good.
Kind of evil, too, crazy woman.
Martin, what do you got?
I've got a question.
Is the Assassin gonna
attack the director
and take his pants back?
Don't be talking about my pants.
Martin, River's gonna
punch you in the gut.
- What?
- Gut shot.
I used to shoot
the hunting videos
for Duck Commander
back in the day,
so I know how to
shoot a story and ducks.
Dad, you got the
one line, remember?
What do you say? "You can't."
- Thou shalt...
- No entry.
Don't go down this road.
Thou shalt not pass.
Thou shalt not pass.
That's close.
But this is like trying
to put together a puzzle
with pieces that
don't quite fit together.
Or listen to you when
you tell them what to do.
Road closed.
No unauthorized
personnel beyond this point.
Wrong way.
Do not enter.
- Seats taken.
- Thou shalt not pass.
All right, let's move on.
Nonetheless, it's
still your job to put
the puzzle together,
and hopefully in the end,
it somehow resembles the
picture on the front of the box.
Or at least resemble something.
- All right, we ready?
- Yeah.
Ready? Action!
Quit playing with the dog!
Save me, Assassin!
Yes, awesome.
You're so cute. You're darling.
Mom, you can't
tell him he's cute.
You got to be
like, "You dirty rat."
You dirty rat.
- That's close.
- You're the dirty rat.
You're the rat.
- Oh, boy...
- Okay, that was a weird...
- No entry beyond this point.
- Freeze, wizard!
Hold on, we got to
do one more take.
Dad, this is the final line.
I believe in you.
Bub, you ready?
Action!
Thou shalt not pass.
Freeze!
Oh, I think I got a cramp.
Whoops, may not be.
- Oh, yes!
- Oh, he's down.
He's down. Good death.
Victory!
Help me! Help me, bub.
Help me, Assassin.
You're the best assassin
in the whole wide world.
- Run, River. Get it over with.
- Good job.
Hurry. Hurry.
This is taking forever.
All right, guys. We
could do that better.
One more take.
- No.
- We're out.
Thou shalt not do
any more takes.
All right, good. Y'all
get the tents set up.
- Kids are in the tents.
- Adults in the RV.
Wait, could I stay in the RV?
I'll just sleep in a
chair or something.
All right. Sadie, you
can sleep in the RV.
- That's all we got room for.
- Sweet..
No, I get the couch.
No, Si, you're not
sleeping in the RV.
All right, then I'll take
one of the captain's chairs.
Either the passenger
or the driver.
No, Si, you're not
sleeping in the RV.
- Well, he's an adult.
- I'm an adult.
No, you sleepwalk and you snore.
And don't forget
about the night terrors.
So that basically makes
you the triple threat
of all sleep disorders,
so you're out.
Fine. I'll sleep out here
in the great outdoors
and be the pioneer of the
Robertson family, okay?
- Me and the bears.
- Perfect.
Like, for real, bears?
Yeah, for real, bears.
Like, you really
think there are bears?
There are bears around here.
- There are bears here.
- They're bears.
I'm not afraid to get
eaten by a bear, okay?
As long as Willie's
with us, hey,
all the rest of us
have nothing to fear.
'Cause, look, hey, that's a
dinner bell standing, ringing, okay?
Look, hey, I'm gonna tell
you. You're all safe, okay?
We got the prime
rib over here, okay?
The bear will choose
him first, trust me.
Okay, boys.
Okay...
Getting mauled by a bear, okay?
Now, that's an
entirely different story.
Oh, he'll tear you up
something fierce, okay?
He'll probably even kill you.
John Luke ain't got no
problem either. He's skinny.
But he probably won't eat you.
I'm starving. We
got some hot dogs?
We got some food.
All right, I'll get the food
I should've known you
brought food everywhere you go.
He's got baked beans
and marshmallows.
And I guarantee
somewhere in there,
he's got some ice cream
stored away somewhere.
We've got good, fresh
beans hot off the grill.
And I say so myself...
they're pretty good.
I'm not gonna test that out.
Si, I'm not putting anything
inside my body that you have
handled, looked at, or touched.
These are gourmet
here, I'm telling you.
What are we gonna
do about a house?
Well, I think we got an idea.
We're gonna leave the RV here,
and you guys can live
in it, 'til the house is built.
And we're gonna fly home.
Boy, this is really gonna
help your marriage.
Sometimes you
need a little adversity.
What doesn't kill you,
makes you stronger.
But if you die,
all bets are off.
Okay, you're not helping.
- What do you mean?
- I think we can do it.
You pretty much
have no other choice.
Now we have time, we can stop
back to Nashville and see Colt's show.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Who's in?
I'm in.
John Luke, you're gonna
drive us to the airport,
and then you can
come back, set it all up.
All right, boys. Let's
leave this dump.
Si, this is not a dump.
This is John Luke
and Mary Kate's house.
Well, I mean, hey, it was
a figure of speech okay?
Si.
Royal Flush.
Now, look, I got some
friends of mine in the house.
Duck Commander is in
the house tonight, baby.
Willie, these people
wanna see you up here!
Y'all make some noise!
What's going on?
- What's up?
- So I'm gonna tell y'all something.
Si said he wants to be
in the record business.
He even got a new
name for himself.
He loves playing cards, y'all,
so he calls himself Royal Flush.
Y'all make some
noise for Royal Flush!
Right here! Right here,
the big flop himself!
I'm gonna just let
you do your thing.
I'll be back here.
Look here, okay?
I normally sing, but in
honor of this man right here,
I'm gonna try to rap.
I think you got it.
Cue up that music, boys!
♪ Hey, my name is Royal Flush
♪ And, look, they call
me that because, look
♪ I'm a poker-playing
fiend and king
♪ The dealer deals out two cards
♪ Cut Mr. Fives
Si's been going on and
on about his music career
for the entire trip, and
now that he's on stage,
I have to admit, he's got
some sort of watchable quality,
like a car wreck on
the side of the road.
♪ The flop hit the board
♪ It's ace, ace, queen
I guess sometimes you
just have to slow down
and listen to a senior citizen
rap about a poker hand.
♪ Royal Flush,
he's got ace, queen
♪ And done flop
the stone-cold nut
I may regret this,
but I also don't want
to hear about it for
the rest of my life.
- Dance for 'em one time.
- Hey.
Show 'em. Look out, Jack.
Ohh, shake it, baby, shake it!
Oh, my goodness!
Look at them legs!
- I'm done.
- All right.
Look here, Royal Flush out.
Well, thanks, everybody.
I wanna thank y'all for
participating in the movie,
and just, you know,
supporting the arts.
- I thought it was River's movie.
- Yeah, me too.
We did something really
cool that River will remember
the rest of his
life, I know I will.
And, you know, I think
he had a great director.
A humble one.
I'd like to kind of
give a special thanks
to the people who's inspired me.
Steven Spielberg.
Oh, okay.
Any Denzel
movie, I love 'em all.
- JCVD.
- Who's that?
Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Bloodsport. I
mean, that's really.
I think that's really kind of
what inspired this whole thing.
What about us? Your
kids, your mom and dad?
You guys did pretty good.
But, I mean, Chong Li was,
like, the best bad guy ever.
Kumite.
I'm proud of everybody that worked
on this movie today, especially myself.
I'd like you to sit back
and enjoy the director's cut.
It's just a home movie.
The Assassin.
You taking this thing to
Sundance or something?
If anybody doesn't like it,
they're just not sophisticated.
Because this movie
is freakin' awesome.
Mostly due to an
awesome writer and director.
And my family did an okay job.
Jep, we knew you had it.
I've told myself
that many a nights.
When you were younger,
we thought it was just weird.
Thank you, Dad.
Whoo!
This is like the
regulation viewing, ain't it?
Here we go.
Duh-duh-duh-duh.
Why have you
got it in the future?
Somebody used their thesaurus.
"A devastating nuclear war
has left the human race under..."
Ohh.
At what point was I a robot?
This is a Ring movie.
"The super-hot princess."
It's so stupid.
He's still got words coming up.
"Hyper-karate."
"Hyper-karate." I made that up.
Did you film any action?
Laser punches.
How much writing, is this it?
Are you gonna show the
footage, or is this a novel?
Hey, son, you
gotta build up your...
- Still writin'.
- Oh, boy.
Ready?
"The Assassin!"
That's what it says.
And that just hits you
in the teeth right there.
Help! Help, Assassin!
You're the only one
that can save me!
- He can't save you now?
- Help!
You'll never get away!
You'll never get away.
You're never getting away!
What's up with your voice?
Help!
I'm the President
of the United States,
and, Assassin, you need
to go save the princess.
I need to save the princess.
You'll never find the princess!
Oh, laser beams.
Yes, give me five.
You've dropped
your pants, Godwin.
This is PG-13 right here.
That's all of him, poor fella.
Oh, there he is.
Oh, there goes the white goatee.
No!
No, don't pick it up.
His head!
This is where it gets
graphic. Shut your eyes, Mom.
You'll pay for this, Assassin.
Oh, the brains went everywhere.
Did you hear that sound effect?
Oh, it was awesome.
- Hero shot.
- Look at this.
Oh, there's your hero.
Oh, good grief.
And, oh, look at that.
I wish I could do a
cartwheel like that.
Whoo!
You dirty rat!
You dirty rat!
Super punch!
He missed on that one.
I'm melting!
Come on, Assassin,
save the princess!
You're next.
Oh, no.
Bring it, Assassin!
Ohh!
- Thou shalt not pass.
- Freeze!
Yes!
Look, he's frozen!
Help me, Assassin.
Watch your super speed, buddy.
You're so fast, River!
Thanks, Assassin, for saving me!
I love you.
You nailed them
when they were down.
Nice job, buddy.
Everything is Jep Robertson.
And Jep, "Based on a dream."
I thought it was River's dream.
The stars of the show
are the last thing you see.
Oh, yeah, by the
way, these guys.
These guys were here.
All I can say is,
"You're welcome."
For what? You're welcome.
We helped you make this.
At least I don't have to worry
about being in the sequel.
Thanks, Dad.
It was more writing than
it was picture showing.
- What did you think?
- It was awesome.
Thank you, buddy.
That's who matters, right here.
His very own movie.
I think we should
watch it again.
Yay!
I second that Merritt.
Go past all that reading part.
Lord, we thank you
so much for River,
who's a great kid, great
son, and a good brother.
Lord, I also pray for John
Luke and Mary Kate traveling.
Bub, you say your prayer.
Dear God, thank you
for my friends, Amen.
- Amen.
- One, two, three.
Happy birthday!
Let's get on this doggone pizza.
We've been fortunate as a family
to have the chance
to take part in so much.
From hunting trips to concerts,
we've really been blessed
with some unique experiences.
But seeing my own
son grow up, get married,
and start college is really all
a proud father could ask for.
And while I'll always
be there for him,
I look forward to seeing
how he does on his own,
hopefully with a fully constructed
home in the near future.
I call a toast. To good living.
Living off love.
And beans.