Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 9, Episode 10 - Van He'llsing - full transcript

All right, look,
we're almost here.

This whole, you hear it
buzzing before you get to it.

- Huh?
- It buzzes.

I don't think that's
a good sound, boys.

Look, look at 'em,
look at all those bees.

I know, I see 'em up there.

We're gonna get stung
is what's gonna happen.

Hold on.

Let me get up here
under this thing.

- Si.
- What?

- Don't answer my phone.
- Hello.



- Si.
- Hey!

Your woman sounds
upset for some reason.

- Say what, Missy?
- What's she saying?

Something about your
son had broke down

on the highway
somewhere in a van.

- He don't have a van.
- Oh, no, yeah, he does.

Tell her we'll come pick him
up after we get finished fishing.

Hey, Jase said he ain't got
time for you and Reed's problem.

- I didn't say that.
- Hey, I'll tell him.

Hey, she said you get your
butt down there and pick Reed up

at The Muffler Shop.

Don't answer my phone again.

My son Reed is
living in Nashville

where he's trying to make it
as a musician and a singer.



He's coming in 'cause
we're having a release party.

He's being released from jail?

His record release.

What I don't know is why he's
calling me from a body shop.

He's gonna sing. We're
gonna have a concert,

and then we're gonna get
together for the after-party.

- I'm in.
- Are we eating?

Yeah, we're eating good.

But I'm pretty sure there were some
bad decisions made at some point.

- What are we having?
- Well, we're gonna cook fish

as soon as we get
up under that beehive.

- No.
- Nope. Nope. Nope.

- Listen to me.
- Good grief!

- Here we go.
- I'm hit.

- He's hit.
- That's it, I'm outta here,

and I'm taking my pole with me.

Martin, crank that
motor up, and let's go.

I'm fixin' to get outta
here alive, boys.

The Muffler Shop?

- Let's go check it out.
- He's back in town.

There he is, hey.

He's changed a lot, ain't he?

He has. Boy, you done grown up.

- You got some new tattoos?
- Oh, yeah.

- What is this?
- This is a compass.

I'm a traveling man,
that's why I got the van.

- That's it?
- Yeah.

Is this really your van?

- Oh, yeah.
- And you bought it?

- I bought it.
- You bought that?

- Yeah.
- It's got a dream catcher in it.

Whatever you paid for it,
I don't even wanna know.

- 5,000.
- $5,000?

$5,000?

- You paid $5,000 for that?
- I got a steal.

Did they tell you there were
3,000 hidden in it somewhere?

Hey, look, Reed needs a
hippie intervention, okay?

'Cause the last thing you want
is a hippie-redneck crossover.

The hippies are
back in town, boys.

Hey, you talk about
an identity crisis?

This boy's gonna have one.

Next thing it'll be, he'll
have flowers in his hair,

and everything he says,
it'll be, "Peace, baby, hey."

You want peace?

Hey, I'll give you
a piece of my mind.

"Make love, not war."

And while I'm at it I might
as well slap the fire outta you.

Hey, come at me, hippie.
I'll give you a little slappie.

I think this is the
beginning stages

of winding up living in
a van down by the river.

Uh-oh, here we go.

You want the bad
news or the worse news?

- Give it to me.
- All right.

Man, you got a
rolling time bomb here.

You got some bad wheel bearings.

Brake cylinder on
the left front is bad.

The motor in the back,

you've got a spark plug
that's blown out of the cylinder.

The motor's gonna
have to be replaced.

The whole motor?

Whole motor's gotta be replaced
'cause you're running too hot.

How much this gonna hit him for?

You're looking in
upwards of about $3,400.

Thirty-four...

Whoa!

- Talk about hippie!
- Beep-beep.

Dude, look at that
tooth. Look at it.

Let me see.

It's barely hanging on.

You can tie a string to it.

- No.
- No?

I bet Willie could
pull that thing out.

Let me snatch that
thing out real quick.

- No.
- You better watch out, Willie.

Hey.

I've been trying to
teach River some moves.

Wrestling moves.

- How cute.
- I want him to learn jujitsu,

but I think he's a
little young for that.

He should just do wrestling.

They have it at the school now.

- Isn't that dangerous?
- No.

It's not just, like,
in the backyard.

- Yeah, it teaches them discipline.
- I think I'd be cool.

Look, River spends a
lot of time with his sisters,

so I wanna make sure
he gets a good dose

of boy stuff while he's young.

I'd like him to be, like,
the perfect weapon.

- I want him to know MMA moves...
- wrestling.

- Ninja training.
- I really want him to learn piano.

- No.
- No.

That's way down on the list.

- I'm the perfect weapon.
- That's what I'm talking about.

So I got him on a healthy diet of
Seagal and Van Damme movies.

River, do you have some moves?

He's got the River of Pain.

- It's a kick to the shin.
- Street skills, I like that.

My goal is for River
to grow up just like me.

Just your average gentlemanly
ninja karate machine.

My friend Kurt's coming in.

- He knows all about wrestling.
- Really?

- Mm-hmm, yeah. He's big time.
- That's cool.

He can teach him some stuff.

- Heck, yeah.
- That's cool.

River, you wanna
start wrestling?

Yeah.

All right, we'll set it up tomorrow.
We'll get your first wrestling lesson.

It's gonna be great.

Remember we used to
wrestle in the backyard?

Yep.

Hey, I still have the
championship belt.

- No way.
- You wanna see it?

Yes, I wanna see that.

Wrestling was a huge
part of our lives growing up.

We used to eat, sleep,
and dream wrestling.

I used to think his belt was
the coolest thing in the world.

- Oh, my goodness.
- There you go.

- Oh...
- Shoot!

It doesn't fit you
anymore, big boy.

Seriously, though. We lost bunk
bed privileges 'cause we were using

them to perform double
axe handles and suplexes.

- Let me try it on, Willie.
- You had your chance, son.

The matches would last days,
or at least until Jep started crying.

Would be mine if
we wrestled now.

- No.
- My bet's on Jep.

- No.
- I wanna wear it.

You ain't gonna wear this
sucker. It's not for little pipsqueaks.

You ain't got enough beans
in your little River pants.

Get it, Bubba.

Get it, River, get it.

Reinforcements.

The River of Pain.

The River of Pain.

Get him.

Hey!

Well, well, well.

Look at you.

I picked up a hitchhiker.

Who are you?

The Artist Formally
Known as Our Son.

Oh, so glad you're home.

- Hey, Mia.
- Hi, Reed.

Well, your hair has
gotten really long.

- It's gotten long.
- So, tell me about these tattoos.

- Oh, I got these for free.
- How?

The artist was a big
fan of my music, so...

Oh.

He's grown up, babe,
it's part of the process

I know, you just
look really different.

I'm just having
to get used to it.

We've always heard
other people say,

"Your kids are gonna grow
up in the blink of an eye."

- This is the new one right here.
- It's a harp.

You don't play the harp.

But to actually see it happen
can be sometimes overwhelming.

- I'm trying to express myself.
- Oh, you're doing it.

It's a lot to deal with.

But watching them pursue
their dreams, that's what matters.

- What?
- He has earrings, too.

Oh, my goodness.

That and not
getting a face tattoo.

I don't think I could handle it.

I got some new
songs that I wanna play

at the record
release party tonight.

You'll see that I've
come a long way,

and it's all gonna be okay.

I'm with you, I'm
just saying, the van...

What's the deal
with your vehicle?

I made a really good investment.

I'm gonna disagree
with him on that.

- What are you talking about?
- It's a 1969 Volkswagen van.

Cool!

- It's not cool?
- It is cool.

- It is cool.
- It would be cool if it ran.

But it doesn't run.

- It blew up.
- Okay.

I think we should just
rethink this whole van.

Boom!

She gone.

Every kid makes mistakes
when they're growing up.

When I was 20, I
wrecked my dad's truck.

And that was just one mistake.

But it was really big.

I need this to tour around in.

I can save tons of
money on hotels.

It has a bed in it, I
can sleep in there.

That's what makes us
who we are, dumb mistakes.

You can sleep in the
Walmart parking lot for free.

Oh, my goodness.

This is making me
a lot more nervous.

Despite his poor
choice in vehicles,

I think Reed's gonna
turn out to be just fine.

So what's the plan?

You gotta fix it. You're
the one that bought it.

I would've said...

Is it safe?

Baby, it was built in 1969.

Did they have
seatbelts back then?

No, it doesn't
have seatbelts in it.

There's some duct
tape that's, like...

What? No.

Heck, no.

I didn't have a seatbelt, so...

- Oh, you put that in there?
- Yeah.

Well, now, that's
being resourceful.

- Oh, no.
- Thank you.

Where's your buddy Kurt?

He's coming. He'll
be here in a second.

Yep, touch your toes.

- Willie.
- What's up?

- There he is.
- How you doing, my friend?

- Good to see you.
- Good to see you, man.

- Willie, it's Kurt Angle.
- How you doing, Jep?

Dude, you know my name.

Yeah, yeah, Willie told me.

Oh.

Still awesome, though.

I told you he was coming.

You didn't say Kurt
Angle. You said Kurt.

Dude, I'm a huge fan.

Okay.

Not only did you win the
gold medal in the Olympics,

you were a 14-time
World Wrestling Champion.

- Yep.
- Jep, he knows what he's done.

It is so cool that
Willie made it possible

for me to meet Kurt Angle.

My dad has a poster of you.

Your dad?

- Nice.
- Yes.

And for River to learn
how to wrestle. Of course.

You mind signing
something for me?

Sure. What are their names?

It's not for them. It's for me.

- Oh, good grief.
- Oh.

I know everything there
is to know about this guy.

Not in a creepy way or anything.

Yes.

There you go, Jep.

Yes! I'll never wash it.

That's a little weird.

Yeah.

Kurt Angle is an American hero.

And more importantly,
he's my hero.

All right, so Kurt's
gonna show these kids

a little bit about wrestling.

I'm the perfect weapon.

- He just kicked you, man.
- Yeah, he did.

It's called the River
of Pain right there.

- The River of Pain?
- Yeah, that's his move.

I'll show him a river of pain.

I'm gonna teach you
a wrestling stance.

I want you to get in a
square stance like this.

I want you to
squat with your legs.

Now give me a
tough face, like a...

- There you go, good.
- How cool are his boots?

Now I want you to
move. Slide step.

- Where do you get those boots, Kurt?
- I'm sorry?

Where do you get boots
like that? The gold...

"Boots"? These are
wrestling shoes, man.

We don't have boots
in amateur wrestling.

They're just awesome.
That's all I'm saying.

Jep, there's man crush,
and then there's what

you're doing right
now, which is just weird.

I should've known that this would
be way too much for Jep to handle.

Hey, guys, time-out.

Do you, like, lotion
tan, or do you, like...

- Jep.
- Is he serious?

No, he's not serious. Go ahead.

I mean, it's embarrassing,
even for Jep.

Hey, Kurt, what you
benching these days?

How do you move your
neck if you broke it five times?

How much protein do you
take each day, in grams?

Come on, Dad! You're
embarrassing me.

He's about one more weird
comment away from a restraining order.

Or a headlock.

Yeah, we wrestled quite a
bit when we were younger.

- You and Willie?
- Yeah. Like hardcore.

You don't wrestle anymore?

Nah, he's scared.
I'm grown up now.

I'm scared. I'm not scared.

I just hadn't thought
of the idea, but...

- Are you scared?
- No, I'm not scared.

- Are you actually scared, Willie?
- No, I'm not scared.

Why would I be scared?

Nobody in the history of Jep, has
ever been scared of Jep, including me.

Well, I was just thinking
we're in the wrestling spirit.

Why don't you put the title up for
grabs? Maybe you two could go at it.

I don't know. That
sounds stupid to me.

But I'm a little concerned
about injuring myself.

My shoulder's kind of messed up,

and I got a little touch
of the tennis elbow.

- Tennis elbow?
- Yeah. Killing me.

Really? I won a gold
medal with a broken neck.

I think you'll be all right.

I mean, hey, I
used to be the hare.

Now I'm entering into
my tortoise phase of life.

When Kurt says you
wrestle, you wrestle.

I'm starting to like this guy.

I knew you would.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Without hurting yourself.

What do you think?

Two brothers going
at it for the tin foil title.

All right, I'm in.

Jep, you're fixing to
get your butt kicked.

Oh, God! You little sucker.

Nice kick, River.

Good job, buddy.

The River of Pain strikes again.

Welcome to Reed Robertson's

album release concert.

Y'all fired up?

The Rhett Walker Band is here.

Mac Powell and his
band, they're in town.

So without further ado, are
y'all ready to hear some music?

Play "Free Bird." Go.

Reed, come do your thing.

How you guys doing tonight?

Good!

All right.

This is a song called
"I'll Be the One."

♪ From the setting
sun to the breaking dawn

♪ And through the darkness
though the night is long

♪ If you ever need
somebody, I'll be the one

At 20 years old, Reed
has come a long way.

I mean, I would've
never dropped everything

and moved to Nashville.

So it scares me a little bit to
think about what he's doing.

♪ And if you lose your
way and you can't hold on

♪ I'll be right beside you,
take my outstretched arm

♪ If you ever need somebody...

He knows that it's gonna take

a lot of work to pull this
off, and he's ready to do it.

♪ And I'll live my life for you

♪ I'll fight for
you, I'll die for you

♪ It's me and you no
matter what may come

♪ And I'll walk through
fire for you if you want me to

♪ I swear it's true,
you can call me crazy

♪ But I just call it love

♪ If you ever need
somebody, I'll be the one ♪♪

Thank you.

So right now, this is
what we're gonna do,

I'm gonna have my buddy
Rick come back up here.

And we'll have Mac
Powell come up here.

We're gonna sing
you guys a song.

You're gonna know
it, so sing along.

Y'all help us out, put them
hands together, come on.

♪ Amazing grace

♪ How sweet the sound

♪ That saved a wretch like me

Sing it, you redneck hippie!

All right, gentlemen,
are you ready?

The rules are: no
eye gouging, no biting,

no fish hooks, no cages,
no chairs, no beard pulling,

and no suplexes.

- What?
- Do we understand the rules?

- Yes, sensei.
- Hey, we'll just do pro style.

All right, gentlemen. When I blow
this whistle, the match will start.

Are we ready?

There's two points.

And another two points.

He's fighting off his back.

He's still not pinned.

And he kicks out.

- Daddy, go!
- The score is four to nothing.

Come on, guys.

Let's go! Let's
go. Start fighting.

One second.

You guys can't be tired
already. Come on, guys.

With Willie gassed, I
think it's the perfect time

to serve up a little Jepalaya.

Go, Dad!

However, I may have
got a little ahead of myself

when I agreed to fight
out of my weight class.

Go!

Daddy!

Oh!

But it's not the size
of the dog in the fight,

it's the size of the
fight in the dog.

He's done, son, he's done.

- Ow!
- River of Pain.

One, two, three!

- Yeah!
- Good pin.

Time out. I got
kicked from behind.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You
said you wanted to do pro style.

You wanted it, you got it.

It's under protest.

- Winner and new champion, Jep!
- Yes.

I hope those screams
haunt you at night.

That was awesome, dude.

Boom.

I feel like crying,
but I'm not going to.

Not in front of my kids.

- Dad.
- I won't do it, buddy.

Not in front of you.

But I might later.

- All right, Reed, come out here.
- All right.

Your daddy and I
need to talk to you.

Am I in trouble or something?

- You'll find out.
- Reed, look.

- Here's the deal.
- Having a meeting.

I'm all for you going
on tour and singing.

This van is the problem.

You cannot drive
around in an unreliable

and unsafe vehicle.

I'm just not gonna allow it.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

We came up with a compromise.

Okay.

You wanna see?

- Sure.
- All right, let's go.

Mia, you coming?

Yeah.

All right, Reed.

Y'all washed the van.

I drove it through a car wash.

You drove it?

New engine, Reed.

Whoa!

New engine, and...

Whoa!

We changed it
from the inside out.

I always thought when
they're 18, my job is done.

That is so not true.

- Wow, this is awesome.
- We got you new seat covers.

You got new brakes.

Sometimes they need
you more than ever

during this phase of life.

- Look, guitar hook.
- Same carpet.

Bacteria-free carpet.

- It was clean before.
- No, it wasn't.

- Don't push it.
- Yeah, it wasn't clean.

- Yeah.
- No.

It's moments like this
that make parenting great.

Not only do I get to do
what's right for Reed.

Let me show you
my favorite feature.

New seatbelts.

These are a little bit
better than duct tape.

Yeah.

I also get to help him
pursue his dreams.

Thanks so much, guys, thanks.

- You're welcome.
- Least we could do.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

In your honor, my next tattoo,

- I'll get y'all's faces on my leg.
- No!

Maybe one on each leg.

- One on each cheek.
- Uh-oh.

Nobody'll ever
see it but your wife.

That'll be weird.

All right, let's pray.

Dear Lord, I just
wanna thank You

for my family and how
supportive they've been, Lord.

And I just wanna thank
You for my parents,

because I couldn't
do this without them.

In Jesus' name we pray.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Every child grows
at a different pace.

Some people like Reed grow
up fast and move on quickly,

while others like Jep take
a little longer to mature

and stay mama's
boys well into their 30s.

Part of growing up is making
choices on who you wanna be.

So whether your kids wanna
do the things you enjoy,

like wrestling, or
take their own path

and wind up living in a
van down by the river,

it's important for
your children to know

that no matter
where life takes them,

they still have their
family to fall back on.

♪ Was blind but now I see ♪

Hey, play us another
song there, hippie man.