Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 8, Episode 7 - The Ducket List - full transcript

Si, did you watch The 36th
Chamber of Shaolin last night?

Yeah, I watched it last
night. I love that movie.

Hyah!

What are you doing?

Hey, a kung fu master
is always on alert.

Ow.

You have just entered
the 36th chamber.

- Thank you, sensei.
- I got a loaded weapon.

Oh, I'd slap that out of your
hand before you even knew it.

You better be glad, out of
reflex, I didn't just go, "Pow."

No "pow," I'd have caught the
bullets and threw them out of the way.



I'm a kung fu master, son. Yeah.

Where, exactly, is
the 36th chamber?

- That's outside of Dallas.
- Huh.

Look at this.

- Wow.
- Tree fell.

What are the odds of that?

That tree fell
right where I sit.

- Boys, I was almost a goner.
- Huh?

Yeah, I'd be just
like a pancake, boys.

Whoo, that'd be
one tough pancake.

These boys don't understand.
When I seen that crushed duck blind,

I saw my whole life
flash before my very eyes.

That ain't a laughing
matter. I'm serious.

No, I mean...



Form the time I was an
itty-bitty baby, to present time.

That quick.

If the tree fell, and you
ain't there to see it...

I almost died.

That don't make sense.

It's one of them "paradockers."

A pair of Dockers? I
thought you hated Dockers.

Look, I'm trying to make a
point here. I could've been dead.

Look, I'm no spring
chicken anymore.

Si, you never thought
about dying before?

No, what are you talking about?

I'm more like a fall chicken.

- You had a heart attack.
- So?

- You went to Nam.
- So?

- And you're approaching 70.
- So?

And winter is coming.

Look, before you know it, I
might even be a fried chicken.

Si, you probably
would've lived over there.

Si?

I ain't feeling too good, boys.

I'm gonna try to take
a nap or something.

I don't know if I can, though.

I got a lot on my mind.

He must be really messed up
in the head if he can't take a nap.

He's acting more
weird than normal.

- And that's saying something.
- He's finally exited the 36th chamber.

- That don't make sense.
- You don't make sense.

You put bullets in chambers.

Hey, have you all seen that app that
tells you how good you sleep at night?

- Do what?
- They have an app for that?

Listen. This is Jessica.

That was a snore!

That's a full-blown
man snore there.

'Cause she kept saying,
"No, I do not." "No, I do not!"

And I was like, "Yes you do."

Well, I'll tell you
who can snore... Si.

- No, I don't think so.
- And it's never the same.

- No.
- "Beavers and ducks."

And then he, like, realizes
he's not breathing...

Every day for Si is a
near death experience.

It ain't funny, since I
had a brush with death.

Si, are you still
worried about that tree?

You wasn't even
there when it fell.

Yeah, but if I'd've been sitting
there, I'd've been crushed to death.

Well, it only missed
you by about 20 miles.

When you have a
brush with death, okay?

I was in a coma for five days.

It kind makes you
think about things, okay?

- Five days.
- On death's door.

Moving along, I got to thinking
about all the things I want to do.

- Bucket list.
- Here we go.

- So I made my dream list, okay?
- Bucket list.

- Look, time's running out.
- You made a bucket list.

- You put all the stuff in a bucket?
- Hey, you idiot!

Ain't no bucket! Knucklehead.

- All right.
- What'd I say to yell?

All right, let's hear it.

Look, there are plenty
of people in this world

who could use a good
jump start in their life.

Si's not one of them.

First thing I want to do: be
voted "Most Valuable Player"

in the Little League
World Series.

- You're 70 years old!
- That was not funny.

He's been seizing the day
ever since I've known him.

Here's a good one: date
with Wonder Woman.

- Good grief.
- Drive a race car.

Judge a Miss America contest.

Play fetch with Air Bud.

- Si, he's not real.
- Ride a bull for eight seconds.

- You're gonna die.
- Become a world famous doctor.

- Like George Clooney.
- What?

Here's a biggie:
cure hemorrhoids.

Eat at a hibachi restaurant.

- So far, you've got one that we can do.
- Okay.

We're talking about a man who
makes napalm in his kitchen sink.

For funsies.

Then... Then... Then... Then...

Pick up some red
Cheetos... Oh, good grief.

- Hold it.
- What?

That's my grocery list for Christine.
I gotta grab her some Cheetos.

I wouldn't normally entertain insanity,
but Si's gonna do this bucket list.

And we're gonna
have to watch over him

and make sure that
somebody doesn't get hurt.

And by somebody, I mean Si.

- Flaying a balloon chair.
- Balloon chair?

Yeah, like in the movie, U.P.

- Up.
- You mean the movie, Up.

It's not like E.T.

- I kinda like the hibachi grill idea.
- I'll go with him there.

There is a hibachi restaurant
a mile down the road.

- What, here in Monroe?
- Yeah. It's good, too.

I say we go to the hibachi
tomorrow and figure the rest out later.

I like that guy,
comes out there and...

- Ha!
- Hibachi!

- And you just cut off Jep's bun.
- Dude.

No.

Man buns.

John Luke, what's the score?

Dad, with 15 dollars,
Kay with eight dollars,

Al with 12 dollars,
and me with six dollars.

Why are we scoring
Scrabble in dollars, anyway?

It's a motivational tactic.

With John Luke's graduation
right around the corner,

I figured it would be a good time
to teach him some life lessons

before he heads off to college.

The bigger the words,
the more the money.

Big words, big money.

First lesson: big words will
make you sound intelligent.

This, boys, is how
you play the game.

Twenty-eight dollars.
And that would be "farts."

No, you wouldn't let
me use bathroom words.

But fart jokes will
make you hilarious.

Okay, you ready?

Can you make a drumroll?

Kay, just put the word down.

You're gonna love it.

Somewhere I've never
been but I might go one day.

Here we go.

- What is that?
- Toronto

Kay, that's "Taranto."

Oh, "Taranto." It's
a city in Canada.

You can't play that, Kat. We
gotta make you take that off.

Well, I think I should have
consideration for my age.

You have consideration because
you never graduated high school.

That is a lie.

Grandma Kay didn't
graduate high school?

- She most certainly did.
- Do you have a diploma?

What's the big deal
about a piece of paper?

Well, if you get that
degree, then I'll believe you.

I'll prove it to you. We'll
go to my school tomorrow.

- Let's go try to find it.
- John Luke, it ain't there.

These boys think I was
a high school drop out

just because I was absent
during my graduation.

- I was a Bearcat, man.
- Where's your high school, Narnia?

Back then, I was too busy
taking care of Baby Alan

to worry about my
high school graduation.

I want to see some of
my old teachers anyway.

- Some of your old teachers, Kay?
- Yeah.

What, do you want to
stop by the cemetery?

That's like 50 years ago, Mama.

- Well, people teach a long time.
- Not that long.

I know I have a
diploma out there.

And once I find it, I'm gonna smack
these boys over the head with it.

Kay, are you gonna
play another word or not?

Are you ready for me to play?

This game's gonna be crap.

John Luke, if Kay can
beat you at this game,

you should just not
even go to college.

Si, you ever use these before?

Why would I use chopsticks?

You were in Vietnam, Si.

- I used my fingers.
- Ugh.

- Here comes our man.
- Here we go, boys.

Hi, sir, how are
you doing today?

All right, now we're going.

- Wow.
- Watch out.

See how fast that
guy's hands is?

Can you imagine him
with a throwing star?

I was pretty surprised that Si had
never been to this hibachi restaurant.

- Watch out for your hand.
- Watch out, boy. Here we go.

This is a paradise for rednecks.

- All right, here we go.
- That's a smiley face.

Little happy face, all right.

Hey! Ho! Watch the beard.

Just look at Godwin. He
can hardly contain himself.

Do it again.

And there's a lot to contain.

My hat.

All right. Hey, where'd
you get that neat hat?

Because I'm a chef.

- For a chef?
- Yeah.

That's the next item
on my bucket list, boys.

I just added to it. I
want to be a hibachi chef

and get one of
them hats like that.

- You want to be a chef today?
- Yeah, I wanna be a chef.

No, no, no, no.

No, yeah. Hey.

Hey, look, I admit
it. I'm not a chef.

But hey, this hibachi
thing, it's a little different.

- I need a hat.
- All right, let's get you...

- It's a little tight.
- Do you have insurance here?

You need my knife.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Go shaolin on us, Si.

Okay, it's all about
the show, boys.

Who, whoa, whoa!

- Si! Si!
- Now I got your attention.

We might ought to make
our bucket list right now.

Look, you gotta keep
the guests on their toes.

Razzle and dazzle 'em, boys.

Uh-oh.

Hey, ho! Hey, all right.

Get the shells out.

No... roughage, boys, roughage.

They could care less
what you're gonna feed 'em,

as long as they're entertained.

Oh, hey, here we go, hey!

Whoa!

All right. Look, boys, perfect!

Si, that's not rare, that's raw.

- You ready, Jase?
- That's raw!

Here you go, buddy.

And if they don't like
the food, too bad, okay?

They gotta eat it anyway.
It's the polite thing to do.

All right, boys. Check.
That one's done.

What's next on the list?

- Astronaut.
- Uh, what's after that?

Well, bull riding, I guess.

- Let's do that.
- Yep.

Si, I know the perfect
place for you to ride a bull.

Boy, high schools
have a smell, don't they?

Kay, do you remember
any of this stuff?

Oh, man. Cheerleading
stuff. Oh, my goodness.

Hey, Dad, we need to check in.

Go Bearcats! Go Bearcats!

That sounds like a
bearcat with a bad cold.

Bear... cats!

I never knew that looking
for my lost high school diploma

would bring back so
many fun memories.

Go, team, go, go, go!

I remember I always loved
hanging out in the hallways.

See, I can't really do
anything without my pom-poms!

Just causing a
ruckus with other kids.

- Go for the Bearcats!
- You're gonna get us in trouble.

I want to go look where
my locker was, okay?

Until we'd get in trouble
for making too much noise.

You used to just bang

- This is it.
- It's the perfect height for you.

Excuse me, can I help you?

- Busted.
- Uh, yeah, we were...

- I used to go here.
- She said she graduated here.

I graduated from here.

Well, we're glad to
have former Bearcats,

but all visitors have to check
in with the principal in the office.

- I told you.
- John Luke, I told you, son.

- We told him.
- I told you.

We told him. These
high school kids.

I can't read, I didn't
have my glasses with me.

Hey, have you ever
ridden a mechanical bull?

- No.
- You're welcome.

Si, you'd better be careful. Even
them fake ones'll hurt you, now.

What are you talking about? I'll
jump on top of that sucker like that,

grab hold, go, "Heya, heya!"

I'll probably go ahead
and keep my tea with me.

Some of the items
on Si's bucket list

are just plain out dangerous.

Ride!

Go ahead, son, gimme!
Is that the best you got?

Y'all want to ride the bull?

Do I want to ride that bull?

Well, of course I
want to ride that bull.

I'm all for Si completing
his bucket list.

I just don't want him
to kick the bucket.

- Step right up, sir.
- Uh-oh.

Low...

So what we're really
trying to do here,

is protect Si from Si.

Oh!

- All right, boys.
- There he goes.

Come here, you big sucker.

Turn the thing on. Kick
it up to eleven. Let's go.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Hi-yo, Silver!

Whoa, hey, hey!

- Good grief!
- Is this in slow motion?

Hey, ride or die!

Hey, turn this puppy off.

That's it!

Uh-oh.

That was a fine
ride, sir. Fine ride.

- Good job, Si.
- All right.

Well, you rode the bull
and lived to tell about it.

Next thing, astronaut, boys.

- We got something else for you.
- Yeah, we do.

Get your tea and
let's get out of here.

- Hello. How are you all doing?
- Oh! How are you?

- I'm Ricky, principal here.
- How you doing? Al Robertson.

- Good, how you doing?
- Hey, Ricky how you doing?

Nice to see you.

You know, we don't actually
have the diploma here,

- but we've got...
- Did somebody steal it?

If the diploma exists,
we'll put into the state for it,

and they'll send it
to you in the mail.

- "Kay Robertson: C, C, C..."
- That is not...

Why did I get in
trouble for making Cs?

"English: F. Speech: F."

I may not have had the
best grades in high school,

but it's because I was
busy doing other things...

- "C, C, C, C..."
- It's like a Spanish dictionary.

What about American history?

- "History: F."
- Thought I did better than that.

Like getting married
and having a baby.

You had one "A"
in home economics.

Of course, well that
makes perfect sense.

Plus, if truth be told, I didn't
like studying very much.

We found something that
might be a little interesting.

This is a yearbook
from back in 1966.

- It's got a picture and name there.
- Oh, my goodness.

Oh, look, everybody
else has all their stuff.

"Honor roll, letter
award, baseball."

Marsha Kay Robertson.

Blank space.

- Whatever you can think of...
- I " showed up."

- Well, look at it. There it is.
- I just don't know...

Are you gonna say you're sorry?

- Are you gonna say you were wrong?
- I'm not so clear.

- It's kinda hazy.
- I'm in a book with a cap and gown.

What's hazy about that?

We do take these graduation pictures
usually well before the end of the year.

- So...
- Bing, bing, bing!

- I did graduate.
- Mom, we're proud of you

for all you've accomplished
without a high school degree.

Stop it, Willie.

- What do you think?
- I ain't going up in that.

It was on your bucket list.

What I was thinking about was a
few balloons tied to a rickety chair.

- It's a basket.
- Tied to a big balloon.

It's looks like a big snow cone.

What's the worst thing
that could happen?

I could die.

Look, boys, I don't have
dying on my bucket list.

I dare you to do it.

I'll tell you what. Don't
ever dare me. All right, boys.

Hey, look, I would rather die
doing something dangerous

than live my whole
life as a chicken.

Know this, if I die, I will
come back and haunt you.

Plus, I would make one
heck of a scary ghost.

Yeah, I'm telling you.

Hey, boys, I'm fixing to go
where no man has gone before...

Up!

Bon voyage.

I'll admit, I thought
Si was overreacting

when he started talking
about all this bucket list stuff.

Oh, this is cool, boys. Whoa!

But hearing his screams of joy

as this balloon
lifted him in the air,

it's made it all worth it.

Oh, were going
up, up up and away!

We did a good
thing for the old man.

The only problem is, there are a lot
more things on this bucket list to do.

Check!

Oh, no! My bucket list!

- It's gone.
- Good riddance.

Problem solved.

- I'm the king of the world, boys!
- Uh-oh.

Y'all are looking like ants.

Except for you, Godwin.

It's hard to believe the time has come
for my son to graduate from high school.

John Luke Robertson.

It has been the most
wonderful privilege

to watch John Luke grow
up over the last 18 years.

Class of 2015, you
may switch your tassels.

And I'm just so proud
of the man he's become.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the class of 2015.

And even though it's
hard letting your baby go,

it's a little easier knowing the bright
future that he's got ahead of him.

Before we go, I had something
special I wanted to do right here.

Me and John Luke got
together, and Al and, uh...

we found a little hidden
treasure for Miss Kay.

Since the whole family's here
for John Luke's graduation tonight,

I decided this would be the perfect
time to give my mom a little surprise.

All right, you're gonna
need this, Mom, for this.

- This?
- Put this on.

I never wore one of these.

I don't usually like to
admit when I'm wrong,

but after making a few calls
to the Board of Education,

I'm happy to say I was wrong.

This is the moment in time
we've been waiting over fifty...

something years...

for this to happen.

The state of Louisiana grants
the high school diploma...

after a long wait,

to Marsha Kay
Carroway Robertson.

Congratulations, Miss Kay.

And I stand corrected.

We do have a diploma.

Oh... I've got chills
thinking about this.

Some people didn't take my word.

I had to live
through that doubt.

People... I mean, they
all but called me a liar.

You know, I'm not
saying who it was.

But he's close, if you
know what I mean.

Willie.

John Luke, I'm so proud of you.

And now I'm proud of me.

I finally got this. And
that's all that matters.

I can't wait to show it to Bobo.

- Throw your hat.
- Throw your hat!

- Throw it.
- Okay, here it comes!

Uh-oh.

Only one final point.

America never, I mean
never, give up on a dream.

Don't give up!

Don't give up, America!

I'm so proud of John Luke,
but I'm more proud of me.

All right, let's bow.

Father, we believe you created the
cosmos, we believe you created us,

we are grateful, and I pray
in the name of Jesus, amen.

- Amen.
- Let's dig in.

It's unfortunate that life
doesn't always turn out

the way you hoped it would.

It takes courage to make
your dreams come true.

That's why it's important to take
the goals of your loved ones seriously,

whether it means giving your
mother the benefit of the doubt,

cheering your son on as
he graduates high school,

or even helping your crazy uncle
checking some items off his bucket list.

When your loved ones
decide to pursue their dreams,

the best thing you can
give them is your support,

even if that means listening
to your uncle go on and on

about his bucket list.

Hey, I've got something
else for the bucket list, guys.

Is it doing the dishes?

No, it's parachuting
into a volcano.

I've done dishes before.