Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 8, Episode 6 - Bachelor Party Blowout - full transcript

The old ball and chain, Martin.

Are you getting
nervous? Tell the truth.

No I'm not nervous.

- You're not nervous?
- No.

- You look nervous.
- Huh?

It's just the way you look.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah.
- I'm not nervous.

- Really?
- No.

No.

Yeah.



- Yeah.
- Yeah.

The last remaining
bachelor in the duck call shop

is fixing to tie the
knot. Face is red.

- It's sunburnt.
- Nerves.

To say that Martin
needs some grooming...

Huh?

Is an understatement.

Yeah.

That's why they
call us groomsmen.

You should be nervous. Hey,
we're talking about eternity here.

What God has joined together...

let no man separate.

Although we're not
very well groomed...

we do know a thing
or two about marriage.



The boy's life, OK,
is over as he knows it.

I tell yah, y'all are one
fine support system here.

He'll thank us for all
the advice one day.

So have you decided who's
going to be your best man?

I'd be a pretty good best man.

- Uh.
- I thought I was your best man anyway.

No, I said you were the best
man for planning the bachelor party.

When is the bachelor party?

Because we're going to send
the boy out in a blaze of glory.

Boom! Fireball!

Hey.

You didn't get the email?

- Uh-oh.
- I don't get email.

I'll check the email.

- Si doesn't even know what an email is.
- That's right.

- I sent out emails.
- Godwin.

Bring cabin stuff.

That's it?

That's it.

Cabin stuff.

What is cabin stuff?

You know, cabin stuff.

You boys don't know
nothing about a bachelor party.

OK, nobody has said
anything about explosives.

You got to have explosives
at a bachelor party.

- Cabin stuff.
- Cabin stuff.

Boooom!

Godwin, you did good.
Man this place is awesome.

- Did ya'll see the cannon outside?
- Look at all this stuff.

Yup, that's a cannon.

Look at all these
old doves, man.

What is that, a civil war
pistol here? Hey Martin.

- Huh?
- Hand me them gloves over there.

All right.

Si, be...

- I do declare, sir.
- What?

I challenge you to a dual.

Have you lost your mind?
Why did you slap me?

- I am general Nathan Beauregard.
- What?

And we will meet on the field of
honor, sir, unless you are a coward.

- Slap me again.
- Finest of a pistol.

Don't do it again.

This cabin, hey, it's perfect
for a bachelor party. OK.

It's got everything you need: dueling
pistol, OK, gloves to slap people with.

He's got all the
usual suspects here:

rattle snake, you
got the logger head,

and the... the little...

mutant.

That's a chupacabra, boys.

No, it's not.

I guarantee.

OK, no wonder Godwin
would pick this spot.

It looked like a redneck
Applebee's in here.

Godwin, what's on the menu?

Ta-dah!

- What is it?
- Looks like a printer.

It's a bread maker.

Godwin, have you ever
actually been to a bachelor party?

I want to try it out.

No, the answers no.

- Well, there's old Al.
- How's it bearded ladies?

- Bang zone.
- Ready to get this party started?

- What in the world is that?
- It's my karaoke machine.

I'm talking about that growth on
your face right above your top lip.

You're talking
about this 'stache?

Is that thing going to be on
your face for my wedding?

Mm-hm. Focal point.

This is premeditated
beard murder.

Al didn't arrive just
fashionably late.

He arrived about
forty years late.

I mean I don't
encourage shaving,

except in an
emergency situation.

- And that's, that's 911 right there.
- Uh-oh.

And I've never felt better.

Mustache's by themselves haven't
been cool since about the '70s.

I'm against all mustaches.

And we all know that that was a
troubling period of American history.

Magnum P.I., greatest detective
of all time is that not true Si?

Identity crisis.

Identity success.

The old crisis inflation,

discos, the me
generation, mustaches.

- Chuck Norris.
- Dale Earnhardt.

- Dale Earnhardt.
- Sam Elliott.

- Sam Elliott. That's a good one.
- Uh-oh. Right.

Coincidence, I think not.

I mean the bachelor party was
started off good and now it's taken a turn.

- You ready to fire up a little Steely D?
- For the worst.

Hey, the first man to use
that teriyaki machine...

gets shot, y'all.

OK?

With my dueling pistol.

He already slapped
me with a glove.

Willie, put your phone up.
Come on we're working now, man.

Kay, I'm trying to do a little
business. Where do you want it?

Over here.

My mom's always dreamed
of having a petting zoo

to share with her
grandkids so I'm taking

the morning to help
her get it all set up.

I'm excited.

I can tell you're excited.

I mean, it's on my
bucket list, this is.

You got a small bucket, Kay.

No, I mean, I dreamed about
this since I was a little girl.

Unfortunately today happens
to be Martin's bachelor party,

so I want to get this over
as quickly as possible

so I don't miss
out on all the fun.

But according to
Jep's last update,

about the only thing I'm missing
is some pumpernickel bread.

What kind of animals are
you putting in there Miss Kay?

Oh, we're going to have
every kind. It's going to be great.

We're not having every kind Kay,
we're getting three or four animals,

like a goat...

another goat and a...

maybe... maybe just goats.

I'm thinking about one
of those little monkeys.

- The what?
- I might even make it a little hat.

Have you ever tried
to pet a monkey?

Well, we could put
rubber things on their teeth.

- All right.
- So they couldn't bite.

The Hannibal Lector
monkey is out so...

You know what? We can
have a miniature elephant.

We're not having
an elephant, Kay.

Maybe we could order one
from like Africa or somewhere

or just, just off the Internet.

- Oh, boy.
- You can pay for it.

Kay, we're not
building a circus here.

You're not the boss of this.

Well, technically this is my
place, so I kind of am, but...

But I'm your mother and you
said I could put my animals here.

I said you could put a few
animals, not Noah's ark.

Throw a donkey in there,
a donkey, a couple of pigs.

Why are we doing this again?

I want the grandkids to
have the farm experience.

Well, speaking of the kids, we
need to go pick them up. Let's go.

You're acting bossy again.

OK y'all want to come over
here and I'll show you the first?

- Oh, do we.
- We've got all kinds of animals.

Oh my goodness I'm so excited.

- Kay it stinks in here.
- Y'all ready to see something adorable?

Oh, we're making
memories for life.

Whoa, take it easy pal.

- Oh precious.
- Isn't it cute?

Willie, it look at
you. Look at him.

You're going to be able
to see her in a few minutes.

Oh, I'm so excited.

I thought that the smell in
this petting zoo was bad...

but the sound of these animals,
let's just say it wouldn't surprise me

if they were making
hot dogs in the back.

- You want to hold them?
- Newborns.

- Treat them like a baby.
- Just like a baby.

We'll take those
two. We're good.

- No, we're not finished.
- Oh, no, we got way more.

Come to think of it,
that may not be a bad

idea to let them see
me eating a hot dog.

Just to send a message.

Oh!

Is that a cow?

- We'll bring him out. You ready to pet?
- Are we?

Behave or this could be you.

- Can we get this cow too?
- Not enough room.

No, I want this cow.
This has got to go.

Oh, man.

Would you guys like
to see more animals?

No I think we're good.

No, we got to have more.
Say more Willie, more Willie.

More Willie, more.

Pipe down, River.

Ready for the donkey,
Luke. She actually does tricks.

- She does tricks, Willie.
- Does he donkey kick?

They do. No I'm just joking.

Everything about these
animals is magical.

You know Jesus rode
on a donkey, right?

We can do a Christmas play
and have that miniature donkey.

Actually, Jesus
rode on a bigger one.

- Oh, he did? Well, I'm glad.
- Yeah.

I just love how cute they are,

how soft they feel,

and especially how
adorable they sound.

That's his quiet voice.

I can tell they're begging
me to take them home.

- Y'all ready, kids?
- How about some llamas?

- Let's role.
- Yeah we need a couple more animals.

We have a mama
llama and a baby llama.

Uh-oh.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Take it easy, pal. Take it easy.

Hey there.

This place is starting to
feel less than a petting zoo

and more like Jurassic Park.

I thought the humans were supposed
to be in control, not the other way around.

We've got a... We got
another dude over there.

Chase that one down.

Close it, close
it, close it. Whoa!

And instead of
resurrecting these animals,

old Diane's figured out a
way to sell them off to my mom.

Clever girl.

Hey, Willie I've got
to have one of these.

Whatever. Let me just get out of
here. I got to go to a bachelor party.

These actually come as
a pair, Willie, I'm afraid.

They're a family.

Don't know if this'll
fit in the trailer.

They'll fit. We'll
make sure they do.

- Diane, you ain't helping here.
- You hear that kids? We get both llamas.

Yeah.

Shut up.

Hang on guys, I
think I got this thing.

I can't get it to turn
on for some reason.

- Got it short.
- Look.

- Check, check. Ya'll hearing that?
- Nope.

Perfect, so it looks like
I'm going to do this acapella.

Let me stop you right there.

Look around and
tell me what you see.

Blowers, knives,
broken karaoke machine.

- A big blue marlin.
- Chupacabra, boys.

No, Si. It's right
there in front of you.

- Hey, chupacabra, boys.
- No!

- That's the best thing in here.
- Weapons.

Oh, hey.

Look, I'm not an expert when
it comes to bachelor parties,

but I do know when it's
time to spice things up.

You got all these weapons. Some
of them I have never seen before.

- Well, let's go blow something up.
- That's what I'm talking about.

Hey, we can always
do Steely Dan later.

No. No, we're not doing it.

A bachelor party
should not be about...

- Check, check.
- Pumpernickel bread.

Chupacabra, boys.

It's about celebrating
being a man,

and the best way to celebrate
that is with a gun in your hand.

I'd like to shoot that
Kentucky flintlock.

- That's what I'm talking about.
- He's got the ammo over in that shed.

He has an ammunition shed?

Yeah.

What are we doing sitting
around here eating bread?

- Let's go shoot some stuff.
- Hang on.

Choose wisely and
I'll meet you outside.

- Hang on. Hang on.
- What?

I got dough rising over here.

- Forget the dough!
- Let the dough rise.

You don't have to watch it.

Grab the spare gun.

I, sir, I challenge
you to a dual.

- All right, everybody's got your powder?
- Yup.

Got it? All right,
load the powder.

Boy, this is taking a
little bit of time here, boys.

If I was on the other side,
y'all would all be dead.

Hey, everybody that's
been in the military hey,

you've got to be ready for
battle at a moment's notice.

Can you imagine somebody charging
you while you're having to do this?

All right, boys,
I'm in full cock.

- Hold on.
- Wait.

- Calm down.
- He usually goes off half-cocked.

If you wasn't ready
when the enemy attack,

hey, you couldn't just say "Whoa,
whoa wait a minute, hold on now."

- Everybody ready yet?
- No.

Hey, look, if this
was a real battle,

Martin would have lost
half of his groomsmen.

- Are you ready?
- Let me get comfortable.

- What are we doing?
- All right hold on.

- Fire!
- Hold on.

- Fire.
- Wait.

Lucky for Jase, the opposition,
they ain't much of a threat.

Private Dingleberry,

you have assaulted
my whole family's honor.

Prepare to die, sir.

Ready...

aim...

fire.

He dead.

- Suck it.
- That's what I'm talking about.

When I hit that flour, did I
not look like Charles Bronson?

Charles Bronson?

- Yeah, exactly.
- You did not hit the flour.

- What are you talking about?
- You don't look like Charles Bronson.

- Death wish.
- You look like Titto, Titto Bronson.

That works for me.

Man when you shoot this thing, it
feels like you're shooting a cannon.

Oh, my goodness.

How they ever hit
anything with it, I don't know.

Wait a second. Why don't
we go shoot the real cannon?

Now we're talking.

He don't know nothing
about no heavy artillery.

I hate to say it, but I
think I'm with Si on this.

You didn't come
this far to retreat.

This country was established
on the back of cannons.

- I'm in.
- I'm in.

- America.
- It's in the national anthem.

Bombs bursting in air.

Uh-oh.

You got me. You got
me there. I'm all in for it.

Plus we're teaching Martin the
greatest attribute in marriage.

What? Shoot a cannon?

It's easier to give
forgiveness than permission.

This is "Marriage 101."

- Come on, Martin.
- Come on.

- Come on.
- Come on.

I have wanted to shoot that
cannon ever since I saw it.

Let's fire that cannon.

Now it's turned into a
bachelor party, boys.

What's the worst thing
that could happen?

- Death.
- Jep could blow us all up.

Could just be manned.

Aw, precious.

Well, Miss Kay, you got a pen full
of animals, you ought to be happy.

Smells like poo poo.

How did you talk Willie
into all these animals, Kay?

I just wouldn't take
no for an answer.

I should try that sometime.

Miss Kay, you got your animals.
I'm going to my bachelor party.

Hey, kids, y'all want
to milk the goats?

- Yeah.
- I like milk.

I want you to milk the
goat before you leave.

I'm not milking the goat.

The kids want you
to help milk the goat.

Kay, tell Phil to milk the goat.
He's probably done that before.

Thanks, dad.

It's all in the technique, Will.

Be nice to her, Willie.

Technique.

- Be gentle.
- Kay you want to help?

No, I can't get down and
get up. You know I'm slow.

- Oh! I'm getting the hang of it.
- Oh, look at it.

Well, I had a pretty good game
plan at the beginning of the day:

help Kay with her
petting zoo in the morning,

then book it over to
the bachelor party.

Oh, look at that.

Oh, sh...! Man down.

Milking an honorary goat
was not on the itinerary.

Yeah, you're a little off on your
technique when they go to kicking.

- Thanks dad, that really helps.
- Technique.

But it's not all bad.
Take it easy, take it easy.

I mean, it does feel good
knowing that I went out of my way

to help make Miss Kay's day.

A few more days like this, I'll finally
pass up Jep as the favorite son.

River you said you
wanted some milk?

Technique.

- I'm not...
- Yeah, Kay!

- Kay, close your mouth.
- I'm leaving.

Kay, I'm going to
my bachelor party.

Good riddance.

What did he say?

She's loaded now, boys.

We're fixing to send that
thing up into outer space.

You think you're gonna hit
the barrel with the cannonball?

Yeah.

I bet you anything that
you can't blow up that barrel.

- Anything?
- Anything.

I will bet you that mustache.

- Whoa, now wait a minute.
- We will blow up that barrel.

Let's not go crazy here about the
mustache. The mustache is staying.

Put your 'stache where
your mouth is. OK?

Uh, whatever.

Are you confident or not?

I feel very confident in keeping
my 'stache. That's all I can say.

- If you're that sure about it.
- Yeah.

- I'll put my mustache up.
- We've got a deal.

We going to blow something up or are
we gonna sit here and run our mouths?

Hey, I just made a bet.

All right, cannoneers post.

When was the last
time you done this?

Hey, cannoneers post! That
means assume your positions!

Especially you,
Private Dingleberry.

Hm?

Hey, my military career
didn't end after Vietnam.

I've taken part in countless
Civil War reenactments.

Load.

What? What did he say?

I can't understand
what he's saying.

Firing Civil War cannons...

OK, look it's not rocket
science. Warm the barrel.

Clear.

Advance the round.

Hey, rocket science, that
wasn't invented until later.

Ready.

One...

two...

three...

Fire!

- Whoa!
- Good night.

- So much for the 'stache.
- Boo-ya!

Give me some of that!

That was awesome.

Now that's a
bachelor party boys!

I don't know which is better,

seeing that cannon blow
that barrel to smithereens

or never having to stare
at AI's mustache again.

- Bye-bye 'stache.
- Uh-oh.

This is under protest.

Sorry, Al. You got a razor?

The only thing that
could have made it better

was if it the concussion of the
blast made AI's mustache go away.

But fortunately for Al,

there's a safer way
to remove facial hair.

Smooth as a baby's bottom.

Boys, I feel naked
without my mustache.

Well, I wish I could say
you look better, but nah.

I look good either way, Si.

Well, did I miss the cannon?

- Oh yeah.
- Crap.

You also missed the mustache.

- Who had a mustache?
- I don't want to talk about it.

All right, why don't ya'll say we say a
prayer, bless the food and then eat?

That sounds good to me.

Let's pray.

Father we love you, we're
grateful for another day.

We are thankful for all our
friendships and relationships.

Father, I ask you
to bless Martin

and Brittany and their
upcoming marriage.

Pray that you give their
relationship patience

and perseverance
and forgiveness.

We're thankful for Jesus.
Through Him we pray. Amen.

Amen.

Let's get on them fish.

Congratulations Martin.

And congratulations to you.

A perfectly good
mustache... Stinks.

As a Robertson, there are a lot of
ways we consider ourselves manly.

Whether that's providing
food on the table,

growing facial hair
or shooting guns.

But our manliness ain't
defined by these actions,

as much as it's defined
by the people in our lives.

We don't really grow into
manhood until we learn

to act as men towards
our loved ones,

whether that's by taking on
endless nagging by our mothers,

or the endless love
of our soon to be wife.

And despite still being a bachelor, I
have all the confidence in the world

that Martin will make
a great husband.

All right boys, to Martin. He
has no idea what's coming.

- Thanks for everything fellows.
- What do you say boys?

- Are we going to kick up some Steely D?
- No.