Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 8, Episode 5 - Pranks for Everything - full transcript

This is the greatest prank ever.

- Are you sure it's gonna work?
- Oh yeah.

As soon as this
door comes this way

it's gonna crash. There's
nothing holding it on.

- Ouch.
- He's never gonna see it coming.

Willie and I are in the
midst of a vicious prank war.

You have a peep hole?

Yeah, I got a peep hole.

It's been going on for 30 years.

That's not creepy at all.

It's not creepy.



Mm... hmm.

The prank war has actually been
dormant for the last couple of years.

But Willie decided he
would fire it back up last week

when he gave me a
donut filled with hot sauce.

Mm!

Got ya!

Retaliation is at hand.

Well, what do we do now?

Now we wait.

And the suspense builds.

Hold on, let me look.

- There he is.
- Well call him.

Willie!

Act natural. Act natural.



- Oh, snap!
- Good grief.

You must be on 'roids Willie.

Yeah you better take it
easy there, Kool-Aid man.

I have to admit
that was pretty good.

All right, I'll admit it,

restarting this prank
war after ceasefire

may not have been
the wisest choice.

I'm gonna take this
out of your pay check.

Ooh.

But there was a bottle of tabasco sauce
sitting right next to the box of donuts.

How could I resist?

You need to get you a white flag
and go ahead and start waving it.

It's time to call a truce...

The prank wars
is over, all right?

If it's over, I won.

Eventually.

You ain't won, it's just over. You're
gonna tear up the whole office.

You're gonna clean this up.

It'll buff right out.

Clean this crap up.

Pick that up too.
That's my prank.

Is that all you got?

Nah, this ain't over.

Oh, man! My back hurts today.

- When the boxes are getting heavy.
- Uh-oh, they're done getting heavy boys.

Jep, are you gonna help or are you
gonna sit there on your phone all day?

I'm sitting here
texting Jessica.

She keeps trying to correct
me on "your" and "you're".

I said I love your body.

Jep, why are you
telling me this?

Why not just do away with
apostrophes? I mean, what is the point?

Y'all haven't
finished this crap yet?

We're working on it.

Let's get it done, all right?

Oh...

Shoot!

That's your idea of a prank?

- That was supposed to hit you first.
- This is just dumb.

- Jase, I had a plan it didn't work.
- Yeah, obvi...

Ohh!

Booyah!

- Take tomorrow off, Johnny D. Good job.
- You got it on me!

Revenge is sweet isn't it?

Or, I suppose in this case you
could say revenge is starchy.

Hey, somebody call Ghostbusters.

There you go.

Just face it, General Custer,
or should I say, General Duster?

- That's better than the doors.
- Yeah.

The war is over.

This ain't over.

So what are y'all doing?

- Uh...
- We just dropped, we...

Uh, we... Check out
the... the mad baker here.

Yeah. So the
flour on everything,

what does that mean?

We dropped some
stuff and it got on Jase.

No, this is a prank war.

So now pranks are part of the
Duck Commander business? That's...

- Well, it kind of improves morale.
- Yeah.

Jase, let me tell you what
improves morale, volunteer work, son.

Do what?

I signed you boys
up for volunteer work.

When I go to visit the warehouse

everybody's always
doing the same thing...

Volunteers for what?

Clowning around.

They need y'all at
the church tomorrow.

They've got to resort the food
bank and a bunch of other stuff.

AI's in charge.

That's why I'm gonna
call in old Al, the preacher.

He's the most responsible
of the whole bunch.

Whatever he tells you, do it.

Al can handle it. He's
gonna whip them into shape.

I don't have a problem
volunteering, but...

- Do it.
- Grown men volunteer

or they choose not to volunteer.

Do grown men dust each other
with flour before they go to work?

I don't think so.

AI's in charge.

- All right fine. We'll go.
- Fine.

All right, clean this up.

Hey don't throw it
away, put it in a bag

and I'll take it home and use
it for Sweet Pea's litter box.

Si, that is gross.

No, it ain't. Hey!

That's all-purpose flour,
you know what I mean?

- Can use it for anything, huh?
- Right.

Okay, so we are going to learn
a dance called the Charleston

and it is from the 1920's.

These girls that were called "flapper
girls" used to wear these dresses

with these long tassels and
they would do the Charleston.

- So while this is doing this...
- Are you going to watch?

This is doing this. And
you do it at the same time.

That's close. We've got
some dancers in the family.

Don't kick each other.

Oh... whoops.

- Hey, hey.
- You're gonna break your leg.

- Y'all having dance class in here?
- Yes, we're having dance class.

- Well I brought a guest.
- Hello, hello.

Come on in here.

I've known Pierre for a few years
now and he happens to be the grandson

of Henri Matisse.

Pierre is a famous artist and
he's got an art exhibit here in town.

So I wanted to bring
him down to meet you.

And because Miss
Kay loves art so much

I brought Pierre
over for a big surprise.

Well, we have a
little surprise for you.

Did you get me some new
batteries for this remote?

- I didn't know you needed them.
- Every day...

Okay, but first...

You put them in once a month.

Okay I'll bring you
batteries next time,

but I have a better
surprise than batteries.

- Pierre has agreed to...
- I think it's Phil is overusing it,

because he puts the TV so loud.

- Wow.
- All right, Pierre has offered

to teach you an art
class while he's here.

I do some art.

I did these pictures.

I heard that you're quite
the famous artist of your own.

- Oh...
- No, I'm serious.

This is beautiful. Landscape
like that. I love nature.

What?

Tree, the water,
you know nature.

I've done some really
pretty flowers before too.

Flowers, I love flowers.

We're gonna set up a
room at the church building

and, like, everybody can
come. All the little kids can come.

That's wonderful.

Tomorrow, bingo, we
start creating beautiful art.

Perfect and Korie you won't
forget my batteries, will you?

- I will bring your batteries.

- Okay, that'll be great.
- Okay, we'll have a lot of fun.

- All right, bye!
- Bye-bye.

- See you tomorrow.
- Girls, we're gonna get some art going.

Ow.

Sorry. Oh well,
didn't mean to do it.

Art.

All right so we're gonna set up
chairs here in the multi-purpose room.

That's it?

Yeah it's a very important part
of volunteer work at our church.

Why aren't you setting up chairs?
You're the one that works here.

Son, kingdom of God
is about moving hearts.

You're about moving chairs.

My role is a little
higher calling than this.

Look I volunteer at
church all the time

but the last time I
had to set up chairs

I think I was, like, 14
and in trouble with Phil.

Do I need to go back
and call Dad? Is that

what needs to happen
here so I can just...

What are we 12?
You're gonna call dad?

So I guess not much has
changed in all these years.

Phil says y'all been
naughty so it's volunteer time.

I still get punished by my
dad and my stupid older brother

gets to be in charge
of the punishment.

I'm the warden,
you're the prisoners.

It's unbelievable.
I'm 42-years-old.

All right I've got some studying to
do, so I'm gonna leave this to y'all.

Peace be to you, brothers.

All right, bro.

All right, Jep, look no chair
within a foot of another one.

You could actually turn them
away from each other like that.

- No...
- Just like you don't even have to look

at the person next to you.

You know what we should do?

Look, dodge ball.

- All right.
- That ain't a dodge ball!

It's dodge ball. You're out.

You lost.

The best thing about
being put in Al detention

is that Willie and Jase, they'll
actually let me play a game with them.

- Ooh!
- Good.

When we were kids, they
never let me play a game.

Unless the game is: I do
everything they say without arguing.

That game ended with the day I
had to stick my head in the toilet.

Oh! Direct hit.

Yeah, that game stunk.

All right, let me show you
something. Look, time out.

Time out. All right,
look, stick your hand out

and I'm gonna show you something.
When the paddle comes down,

subconsciously you
have to pull your hand out.

You just, you can't overcome it.

- You think you can?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- All right, watch.

Hey!

Jep!

That was the dumbest
thing I've ever seen.

Hey, do it to Al.

What are y'all doing?

- Breaking hands.
- Do it to Al.

You're throwing balls,
you're tearing up stuff.

Look at that. You knocked
down a whole stack of chairs.

My chair guy's not gonna
be happy about that, guys.

Willie did that.

You have a chair guy?

Yeah, I have a chair guy.

Where's the chair guy?

The chair guy didn't have to come in
because I got you three knuckleheads.

Oh, my gosh.

Quit embarrassing me, y'all
are making so much racket.

Do your job.

Jep, I thought you
would move your hand.

Ah! Missed.

I didn't have time to move
my hand. You went whack-ow.

I'm one-handed now.

Hello ladies and gentlemen,

let us start with something
not too complicated.

We are gonna do some
scribbling there like that.

And that's not complicated.
Everybody can do that.

Do you see something
else into that?

- Hmm...
- Huh. What is that?

- Hmm...
- I don't see it.

- A tree?
- Ah, bingo.

Ah! Here we are. A tree.

- Fantastic.
- Bourgeois.

I wonder what it would be like

if I were a French
woman living in Paris.

Miss Kay, please come in here
and you're gonna draw those trees.

Oh. Miss Kay's an artist.

I'm a children's artist.

And the tourists would say look at that
French woman, isn't she sophisticated?

Whoa.

Whoa, Kay's boobs
taking down the easels.

Shut up.

I can just imagine myself strolling the
sidewalk with my little French poodles,

Bo Bo and Jay Jay.

Please, on that what
you see is a tree.

I would still come
out with this tree here.

- Very good.
- I like to draw animals too.

My, you're talented.

So now, Uncle Si come.

Oh, okay.

- You sit right there.
- Okay.

- And we're gonna make a portrait of you.
- Okay, let's see.

- All right.
- I just got in from Africa

from a big lion hunt.

- I come from Paris. How about that?
- You're from gay Paris.

Gay Paris. You got
it. Okay, very good.

So the best thing to
do, first you draw an egg.

Like an egg, yeah.

- Okay.
- And it's up to you to either

accent of color here and there

to make it a little
bit more... fleshy.

Ah, you're the artist.
You're the creator.

Si, this is hard.
You got off easy.

- You ought to be up here.
- Oh, please.

This is really hard
work, being a model.

Models are supposed
to keep their mouths shut.

No.

No, no.

- Ah!
- You're out.

- Seats perfect.
- No, they're not.

- Yep.
- They're too close together.

- Nope.
- Well, you lads did better.

- This is adequate.
- Yep.

- Adequate?
- This will work.

All right, good.

Well thanks to our
hard work, the elderly

people at White's
Ferry Road Church

have a place to sit down.

All right, I'm out
of here. I got to go.

Uh, no. We gotta go
to the food bank now.

- There's more?
- Oh, yeah. This was just...

Y'all thought this was it?

And while I just love to
donate my valuable time,

I got to draw the
line somewhere.

Dad said y'all were here
all afternoon, so let's roll.

How does Dad know our schedules?

And I drew that line this morning.
We are already way past it.

So how many of these
are we doing now?

We got to do, like, 175 bags
or until we run out of cans.

That's gonna take all day.

Yeah.

Jep, did you just
drink out of that bottle?

Yeah.

- Do not drink out of that bottle.
- I'm thirsty, bro.

Jep, we're feeding
the homeless here.

I'll replace it.

Jep, we're not supposed to be
eating this and drinking this stuff.

Vienna sausage.

- Oh, let me have some of them.
- No, or you're gonna replace that too.

Mm-mm!

Low sodium meatless
spaghetti sauce.

- Throw that away.
- That's nasty.

You can't start into "what I
like versus what he likes."

You've just got to
sack them by category.

Can I bring this home, Al?

No, you can't take
any of the food home.

I'll replace it.

Low sodium vegetarian beans?

No, I'm putting that
with the expired.

- Put that in the expired.
- You got to look out.

Wait a minute you
don't... If it's not expired,

- somebody will eat that.
- Al, that's offensive

if somebody was to get that.

I'm thinking some people are donating
things that they would not consume.

Where I'm from, we
go by two questions.

What is it? Can we eat it?

Why would you take
applesauce and unsweeten it?

Who would eat this?

You ought to try
this cream of chicken.

If I was gonna donate some food,

I would at least
know what it was.

Who eats potted meats?

- Hey, I'll take some.
- That's disgusting.

I mean, potted
meat that's in a can?

This is the crap that ain't
good enough to be in bologna.

Where's the pot?

This is not good. More
sorting. Less debating.

I mean the whole thing's
based on a lie right from the start.

Here.

- Wow.
- Best for last. Dented.

Dented but good.

- Dented but good.
- All right, we're done.

All right. Now we
got one more little job.

I saved the best for last.

- Shoot.
- Y'all Ready?

Al, you got any Pepto
in this food bank?

No Pepto, Jep, I'm sorry.

You shouldn't have been
eating all that potted meat.

- It's lips and butt holes, Jep.
- Disgusting.

All right. I think I'm done.

All right so it looks like
everybody's practically done.

So now we should have a critic.

Yeah. Do you think you
could be an art critic, Si?

Artitic?

- Art critic.
- A critic.

- A critic. A critic.
- A critic?

- Look I was born to critique art.
- Fantastic.

Let's see what
River man's got here.

Hey look, I've always wanted
to be immortalized in a painting.

- Good job, River.
- Thank you.

He drew a bunch of liver spots.

Liver spots?! That's my
Fu Manchu coming down.

Hey, just think of it, my face
hanging in some fancy museum.

It's called an arc-en-ciel.

- That's what a rainbow is in French?
- Yeah.

Okay.

You're telling me that
this ain't a masterpiece?

Kay, my ears are not that big.

Yes, they are.

- Well, I also drew a panda.
- Wow.

But hey, I wish I'd been
immortalized about 30 years ago.

You know, when
I was in my prime.

Here-here to Mr. Pierre.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

- Had a good teacher.
- Our instructor.

Thank you, thank you.

Class dismissed.

Hold on, everyone.
We've got one more project.

Do we get a snack?

Hey. Hey. Hey, look here.

Hey, look. Hey. Hey, look here.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

How many of
these we gotta stuff?

All of them.

Why do you y'all get
to do the cool jobs?

I'm back here stacking books.

The "cool job" as
in stuffing bulletins?

Yeah.

We're trapped in a building
with very few windows.

It's driving me bonkers.

Yeah, you boys look
like you're hard at it here.

- So are we done?
- You need to ask Al on that.

He's your man.

Al, we're done.

Al, Big Al.

We're done.

You already
finished the bulletins?

We're done. What are you doing,
listening to your own sermons?

Steely Dan.

It puts me in the zone.

Well, it took a lot of work, but
I'd say today was a success.

Consider yourself absolved.

The Bible says you should
never judge your brothers.

Good job, Al.

But if you really
press me on it...

We should have pranked him.

I'd give these guys
about a B minus.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the crap?

- Oh, my gosh.
- Hey.

Go, go, go! Come on, come on!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Yeah!

- You've been pranked.
- Ha!

- Good job.
- High-five, everybody.

Si, good job.

Yes. Good job.

That was good. I
wasn't expecting it.

Oh this prank war's
just getting started now.

Nobody pranks Willie
and gets away with it.

It was a good prank.

I thought you were
against pranks.

I am but this was a good one.

Why was this a good one?

It made me laugh.

I'll have the last prank.

I don't stop until I hear,
"Okay, it's not funny anymore."

- But you're not laughing.
- Oh, I'm laughing...

but on the inside.

And then I'll do one more.

Call it a truce?

Temporary truce.

- Temporary?
- I'm hungry and I'm tired.

Yeah, let's go eat.

- All righty.
- Let's go eat.

- Y'all got to clean this up.
- I don't think so.

I know just the four
volunteers to clean it up.

Here we go.

Oh, that's the
preacher meat. Mm!

Miss Kay's pork loin, it
ought to be a good one.

All right, y'all ready?

Whoopee cushion. Which
one of you grandkids did that?

Ahh! Cilla!

Cilla, you little rascal you.

All right, let's bow.

Father, thank you for a
good day on planet Earth.

Thank you for this good
food you blessed us with.

Thank you for your grace,
Father, that saves us.

- In his name I pray. Amen.
- Amen.

- All right, boys.
- All right, let's eat.

There are only a few things
in this world that you can lose

and never have the
opportunity to get back

and one of them is time.

That's why it's important to
make every moment count.

Maybe try something
different like an art class

or sign up for volunteer work.

Because unless you have a dad
like mine, no one is gonna do it for you.

Whatever you do don't invest 30
years of your life into a prank war.

Unless of course you know
you're definitely gonna win.

Who put the Saran
Wrap on the toilet?

My money's on Willie.

- Willie!
- That's your pay back.